Sex Tourists 1, Missionaries 0, Ladyboys 108

04 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

Tags

As a good Christian you need to know the reason Thailand is rife with ladyboys and male prostitutes is because of the teachings of Buddha.

On one of my regular trips down the rabbit hole known as Google the other day, I ran across a posting by a young American girl in Thailand doing missionary work. Having been in Bangkok for an entire week already, obviously she knew everything there was to known about the kingdom. Not that she was just sharing her new found and all encompassing knowledge with the folks back home mind you, hers was also a plea for monetary donations so she could continue to do the good work she’d already begun. Which, basically was to combat the locals’ heathen beliefs. ‘Cuz, as she said, “Where idolatry exists, so does sexual immorality.” And if there is one thing that gets holly rollers to reach for their wallets, it’s sexual immorality.

Unfortunately for the poor woman, while busy endeavoring so “that Jesus’ name will be known all throughout the nation”, she found herself surrounded by ladyboys. Or “so called ladyboys”. As she so called them. But knowing chicks with dicks alone was not gonna bring in the cash she needed from the faithful, she started off her tale with alerting one and all that all ladyboys in Thailand are forced into a life of prostitution. ‘Cuz nothing drops a right-wing conservative evangelical to his knees quicker than the idea of prostitutes. Especially those sporting both tits and a dick. Hail Mary.

Interweaving the two, just so her donors would know what their money could buy them in Thailand, she provided numerous facts and statistics about ladyboys and prostitutes in the kingdom. Such as that there are 67 million people in Thailand, and an estimated 2.8 million of them are prostitutes. Both men and women. Since she didn’t include transgendered in that sexuality roll call, ya have to assume that number is even higher. The problem, she says, is fourfold. The high number of working men, women (and possibly ladyboys) is due to widespread poverty, a low educational level, that “there are more centers of prostitution than there are schools”, and of course, the prevalence of Buddhism in Thailand. ‘Cuz as we all know according to The Buddha the path to enlightenment involves a sex change operation.

I’m guessing Bruce Jenner is a Buddhist.

I’m pretty sure that’s a Buddhist amulet she’s wearing below her waist.

She goes on to report that Thai parents sell their sons and daughters into the sex trade for as little as $12, where they are then forced to service a dozen customers daily. Even if Thailand doesn’t work on the metric system. Then, having dispensed with all the prostitution references her fellow Christians could possibly handle during one kneeling, she zeroed in on the ladyboys. But to understand ladyboys, you also have to understand the prevailing culture in Thailand. So she carefully explained the common Buddhist practices that lead to a life of hormone treatments.

First, all Buddhists believe that all Thai men are notorious womanizers and gamblers; their wives do not expect them to be faithful. And they are not considered healthy role-models for the children. So some mothers, if their child is born male, raise him to be female instead. Just to avoid the chance he’ll grow up to be like his gambling, womanizing father. Not that that is the only reason there are so many ladyboys in Thailand. Moms also take their children to a Buddhist monk who tells them if their boy-child has a female spirit. That’s due to their belief of reincarnation. And while it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with monks demanding boys be raised as girls, just to prove how knowledgeable she is on the subject, she threw in that according to Buddhism men are the spiritual merit providers of the family, which is nothing more than being required to fulfill an unspecified duty in a temple for a month, after which they are then free to live as they please (i.e. gamble and womanize).

Women, on the other hand, are considered the financial providers of the household in Thailand. Which is why all women in Thailand are prostitutes. And now that you understand how families work in Thailand you can also understand why in some they choose one of the sons to become a ladyboy. Which is so that they will have someone to support the family. Because as Buddhists, their only money making option is prostitution.

According to Buddha, as a Thai you can either be a gambling womanizing male, or a ladyboy prostitute. Which doesn’t exactly explain male gogo bar boys, but then no religion is perfect.

Granted, you may think that all sounds like logic at its fuzziest. But that’s how things work in Thailand. And our highly devoted and all-knowledgeable young missionary knows this to be true. Because at least one ladyboy she met told her exactly that. And to save those poor ladyboys’ souls and bring their medically enhanced blossoms to Christ, our young missionary works at a cafe devoted to employing former prostitutes and vulnerable young boys to give them a safer option for making money. Unfortunately, the cafe has been closed for a couple months. But it is in the process of reopening soon. So please pray that it will. And send your donations in now. ‘Cuz they have big plans. They’ll be open on Tuesday and Friday evenings. And will not only be busy saving souls, but offering English lessons. And art classes too.

Until then, our missionary friend is teaching English to young men who work in a “massage parlor”. Her quotes, not mine. ‘Cuz every good Christian already knows what “massage parlor” means. And so far, she says, she’s been blessed by that. Because “these are people that Christ died for, and I pray that I can show them his love each and every time I see them.” Which, as happy endings go, ya can’t ask for much more. At least not if you didn’t pay for a four hands massage.

I too feel very blessed by the knowledge this young missionary has shared. I’d provide a link to her website so that you could donate to her good work, but I’m concerned that she may soon find herself in a position where she may not be able to tell which Thai women are women prostitutes and which are ladyboy prostitutes. So instead I’m gonna have a few thousand stickers made up that say Honk If You Get Hard For Buddha. That should help her spread the light to those really in need of it. So feel free to send me your cash so that I too may continue with my charitable work to turn Buddhist prostitutes into the god-fearing Christian ladyboys they deserve to be.

The Fabled Black Buddha Of Bangkok

29 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Scams, Stupid Tourist Tricks, Wats

A black Buddha, but not The Black Buddha.

The year was 1993, and finally, after several trips to Thailand the locals were showing their appreciation for my interest in their country by rewarding me with the knowledge of an inside scoop worth some big bucks. The gods were looking kindly on me and my fellow band of merry travelers that day; we’d managed to be in Bangkok for the Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, and thanks to a friendly and helpful local we’d just been clued into that fact. Shame about the Grand Palace being closed though.

Thanks to karma being what it is, since that trip I’ve been extremely fortunate to have managed to be in Bangkok at the same time an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale has been happening again. On several occasions. I’m just not sure why the Thai government feels it’s necessary to close thee Grand Palace every time they hold one of their special Gem sales. It must have something to do with Buddhism.

Of course while any Thai tuk tuk driver worth his salt is gonna help celebrate your good fortune by delivering you to where you can make a killing buying gems and jewelry to resell back home at astronomical markups, as a Buddhist, your soul is what really matters to him. When the gods bless you with financial riches, it’s only right that you respond by showing them proper reverence. Being a farang, you may not realize this. No problemo. Before your Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver takes you to where you’ll be able to begin living the life of the rich and famous, he will take you to see Buddha. If he really cares about you, he may even take you to where you can have a nice suit made for the price of a meal at McDonalds so that you are appropriately attired for your meeting with Buddha. And in your nice new Custom Made Suit Ready In One Hour, you’ll look so splendid your tuk tuk driver will undoubtedly bless you with one of those warm and jubilant smiles Thailand is known for.

Still not The Black Buddha.

Being the lucky guy that I am, I have a closet filled with a variety of Custom Made Suits Ready In One Hour from my numerous visits to Bangkok, as well as a drawer or two filled with all the goodies I snatched up visiting an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale. I am truly blessed. Or would be. But while a procession of different Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Drivers have seen to my spiritual needs over the years by escorting me to The Golden Buddha, The Lucky Buddha, The Giant Buddha, and The Lucky Giant Golden Buddha, from a recent search on Google I’ve learned that I have been missing out. Not one Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver has ever taken me for an audience with the fabled Black Buddha of Bangkok. And as much as I love Thailand and consider the Thai people to be next to gods for their deeply held religious belief that all visitors to their wonderful country be personally blessed by the local deities – before being equally enriched thanks to an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale – I hate to admit that I’ve come to the conclusion that Thai people are racists.

Golden Buddhas, even the lucky ones, are a dime a dozen in Bangkok. No really. At the amulet market behind Wat Ratchanadda you can buy a dozen small golden Buddhas for a dime. The fabled Black Buddha is a different story. At least it is if you are a visitor from a western country. White folk don’t get taken to see The Black Buddha. That honor is reserved for those visitors whose skin color comes closer to matching the tones of The Black Buddha. Anyone visiting from an Asian, Middle-Eastern, or Latino country is afforded the opportunity of visiting The Temple Of The Black Buddha. Us farang have to make due with a Buddha covered in gold. It’s a shameful blight on the reputation of Thailand. I’m amazed the Thai Government allows this injustice to exist.

Now I’m sure those of you who insist on viewing The Land Of Smiles through rose-colored glasses are objecting right about now. “But dude! I’ve seen a black Buddha in Bangkok!” you’re saying. And I’m sure you have. I have too. But did an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver take you to se that Buddha? I bet not. Because while you may have seen a black Buddha, you probably have not seen The Black Buddha. If you had, you’d know The Black Buddha is not black.

Nope. This isn’t The Black Buddha either.

As soon as I heard my soul was not properly being tended to in Bangkok, I turned to the world’s premier source for all things religious, Google. A search on ‘black Buddha Bangkok’ returns 6,810,000 hits, and every single website listed on the first page of Google’s search results is a trip report from a non-white visitor who was blessed with the opportunity of being taken to see The Black Buddha by an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver (except for one guy who tried to pull a fast one by having the last name of Black. Didn’t work. He only got to see The Lucky Giant Golden Buddha.)

Not being native English speakers, these folk have all translated the word ‘visit’ incorrectly, thinking the proper word is ‘scam’ but then we all know how difficult English is to learn. (I have to admit that while I’d like to think this is just a common error in language usage, now that I know how racists Thai are I suspect this may also be a plot by non-Westerners to keep us whities from ever getting to see The Black Buddha.) In any case, reading of their adventures, the same experience is shared by all. After meeting an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver on one of the days the Grand Palace is closed, they are whisked off to see The Black Buddha before being provided the opportunity to participate in an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, only to find upon arrival that The Black Buddha is not black. The Black Buddha is gold. He used to be black. But those damn sneaky Thais, in an attempt to keep The Black Buddha hidden from farang sight, have disguised him by covering The Black Buddha with layers of gold leaf.

You may think I’m being overly suspicious, that the idea of a worldwide plot to keep The Black Buddha away from the farang eyes is just a bit of my natural paranoia shining through. And yes, if you delve far enough into the sites returned by Google you will find the occasional report of The Black Buddha being seen by a farang. But those are always tales told by an European backpacker, a brand of traveller known to bathe infrequently. So you can understand when an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver mistakenly thinks they are not white. But Google Images backs up my theory. Do a search on Black Buddha Temple Bangkok, and the pictures you’ll see are from about a dozen different Thai wats. None of which houses the real Black Buddha. Even Google doesn’t want you to see what the temple of The Black Buddha looks like.

Lots of Black Buddhas, but none are The Black Buddha.

I love Thailand. But racism and bigotry needs to be stamped out wherever you find it. The practice of keeping white folk from seeing The Black Buddha has to stop. I urge you to write your congressman today. With your support I’m sure the American government can convince the leaders of Thailand to rectify this matter. And then on my next visit to Bangkok, before I add to my collection of Custom Made Suits Ready In One Hour and my purchases from an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, I’ll finally be blessed with a visit to see Bangkok’s fabled Black Buddha.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

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Rules! Damnit! We Have Rules!

19 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Scams

Why is it that as much as Thais disregard rules, at other times they are so strict about defending them?

I think one – of the many – things I like about Thailand is the population’s general disregard for rules. In the west it’s not uncommon to hear the saying that rules are made to be broken. They have no comparable bit of popular wisdom in Thailand because the general consensus there is that rules are best ignored. It’s not so much about consciously breaking rules in Thailand, it’s just that life is easier by simply disregarding any rule that may get in your way. Being a bit of an iconoclast myself, I think that’s a pretty good rule to live by.

Of course there are rules, and then there are rules. Those meant for the local populace are one thing, those meant for anyone not lucky enough to be born Thai are another. It is one of the paradoxes of Thailand. Rules that govern the behavior of visitors to the country are strictly enforced, those that govern the actions of locals not so much. And rules that apply to both are only enforced when a farang is involved. Granted, enforcement efforts are usually about money and not really about the silly rule. Bangkok’s infamous litter police are a good example. There’s a 2,000 baht fine for littering that visitors will fall prey to even when they haven’t littered. But a Thai can get away scot-free when dumping a trash bag full of garbage at the feet of a litter patrol officer.

As unconcerned about rules as Thais are, as a farang when you have unknowingly or inadvertently broken some minor little rule you can be guaranteed that whoever the local is calling the shots he or she will cut you absolutely no slack. Explain, argue, try to use logic . . . your efforts will be wasted. The person you are trying to convince to see it your way will just keep giving you one of those damn Thai smiles, will just keep agreeing with your every point, and will just keep repeating whatever the stupid rule is that you broke. I think Thais have a rule about how to deal with farang. It seems to be a pretty effective one.

Thailand’s immigration rules for border crossings are from a past era but are still enforced today. Obviously, rules of grammar are not quite as important.

A good example that I recently mentioned in reply to a comment on this blog is a rule I ran up against at a hotel in Bangkok. Like many rules, it was not written down anywhere; you wouldn’t know about it until you broke it. The six story hotel’s frontage was all glass, a good portion of which was made up of the windows in each room. I like fresh air in a room. Even when the air barely qualifies as fresh. Within a few minutes of having opened one of the windows in my room, the front desk called to tell me I needed to close it. The hotel had a rule against opening windows in rooms. Huh. I decided the best rule of thumb was to follow the ever popular advice of When In Rome Do As The Romans Do, so I ignored their rule and their request to close the window. A bell hop showed up a few minutes later to rectify my error.

I know from experience that if 10:00 am is the cut-off time for breakfast at a hotel in Thailand, showing up at 10:01 means you’ll go hungry. Even if it is a buffet, all the food is still laid out, and there are numerous other guests still filling the dining room. Unless you are with a Thai. I’ve waltzed into breakfast with Noom a half hour after service had ended and the staff has not only allowed us in but had the cooks rustle us up food too. That’s the kind of thing that should, as a visitor, piss me off. But when you are in Thailand the best rule to live by is to just go with the flow.

I’d pay more attention to rules when I’m in Thailand, just to avoid hassles if nothing else. But a holiday is supposed to be about enjoying yourself and trying to adhere to all the rules of a country you are visiting doesn’t fit that theme. Fortunately, one of the rules in Thailand is that when you break one an outlay of baht will always make matters right again. I just consider those user fees and enjoy my time in The Kingdom rule free.

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I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Rules To Live By

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I Hate Phuket

26 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Phuket, Scams, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Phuket Dangerous.

Hey, finally a post the sexpats who spend their lives on the gay Thai message boards will enjoy! Or at least a post title they’ll like. The actual article, not so much.

What is with the all the hate for Phuket? From posts on the boards you’d think it was some crime infested sleazy little beachside town filled with the world’s lowest of lowlifes. But that’s Pattaya. And the boys who love boys love Pattaya. Bring up Phuket though and the rancor ratchets up to levels that surpass the Christian god’s opinion of Sodom and Gomorrah. On the message board, Phuket comes off sounding like Calcutta on steroids. You’d think Syria would be a safer spot to vacation listening to these folk.

I’m not sure why Phuket has become Thailand’s whipping boy. Maybe it was using those typhoon relief funds to build beach volleyball courts on Patong Beach. Whatever it was that Thailand’s best known southern beach resort area did, the gods were not amused. And they’ve taken it out on the rationality of gay Thailand forum posters. I haven’t seen such passion for hatred since LMTU and Beachball courted each other.

According to online reports, gangs of waves frequently terrorize tourists in Phuket.

Posters over at SGT froth at the mouth the most whenever Phuket is mentioned, but Jabba The Butt’s band of merry men sharpen their claws just as quickly. On both forums they trash Phuket but mean Patong Beach. Not that pesky little facts should ever get in the way of a good hissy fit. Anything and everything about Pattaya and Pedo Plaza meanwhile gets excused and defended. Not that a little bias ever hurt a good hissy fit either.

Kjun12 – or Kunt12 as BrisbaneGuy has aptly nicknamed him – seems to be the leader of the pack when it comes to vilifying Phuket. Just try to find any on-line Thailand forum where he hasn’t posted about how dangerous Phuket is. And he backs his claims up with facts too. A German tourist was beaten by a tuk tuk driver when the tourist refused to pay 200 baht for his ride. And a local woman had her purse and cell phone stolen. Yup, that’s a crime wave that screams for someone to fire up the Bat Signal.

Fountainspew chimes in condemning local authorities for failing to post warnings on the beaches about jellyfish, citing Hawaii’s practice of closing beaches when jellyfish appear while ignoring the fact that you don’t see barefoot construction workers using bamboo scaffolding in the Aloha State either. In his warning Fountainspew does however move to the positive and recommends all visitors pack a vial of vinegar when visiting the beach to use on jellyfish stings. Not that Fountainspew would need to exercise that precaution because peeing on a sting is just as effective and with him there surely would be no shortage of volunteers for that job. Even Beachball – forgetting to check his notes that says Phuket is his favorite destination in Thailand – can’t help but jump on the bandwagon with the startling news that even Thais visiting Patong Beach can fall victim to scams. The horror!

Danger Will Robinson!
Ladyboys in Thailand have dicks!

Outside of the gay forum world there are plenty of Chicken Littles posting of Phuket’s dangers too. Virtualtourist.com alone has 180 entries. Which includes warnings about dastardly criminals preying on tourists such as: wild monkeys bite, rip tides are dangerous, the tropical sun can burn you, elephant camps mistreat their animals, and ladyboys are really men. In fact, the majority of warnings about the dangers of Phuket are about beach safety and road safety. And those threads that actually deal with crime, invariably started by Kunt12, all quickly dissolve into a general bitchfest about how dangerous the entire country has become. Because the rest of the world is such a safe place these days. Nevertheless, Phuket is the place that some just love to hate.

Phuket gets called the crime capital of Asia and the most dangerous place in Thailand. When its naysayers bother to provide specifics, they are always incidents that also happen throughout Thailand. And throughout the world. One site I visited that was exceptionally vehement with its warnings about Phuket, like most, relied on broad generalizations rather than specifics and – after throwing in the road and beach safety thingy for good measure – provided a handy list of suggestions to keep you safe when visiting Phuket.

The author first spoke of “crazy Thai men” who drive on the wrong side of the street, how life is cheap in Thailand and the death of a tourist doesn’t mean anything to Thais (adding how common it is to see a photograph in the newspaper of “Thai men pointing at the dead tourist with big smiles or smirks on their faces”) and about how Thais “have developed a hatred for foreigners in general,” just to show how unbiased he was. Then, he posted his #1 warning:

Damage to jet skis in Thailand can be costly. So can damage to bar boys.

“If you are staying in a high rise building, then make sure that you don’t get drunk on the balconies, as the railings on these buildings are not very high and it is easy to fall off them. It is also a good idea to not stay in one of these buildings if you are mentally unstable, as there are far too many people who leap to their deaths whilst on holidays. There are numerous reports of guys who come to Thailand and fall in love with bar girls and then they run out of money on their holiday and the fantastic times come to an end so they jump to their death.

If you are mentally unwell and you are staying in a high rise building and plan on getting drunk, then this could be a recipe for disaster, as the extra depression of knowing that you are leaving Thailand and being drunk could make you do that crazy thing that too many tourists seem to do. There is also rumors of foreigners getting thrown off buildings and there is no way to check to see if this is true or not, as the police often don’t even bother showing up at the scene of the falls anymore in Pattaya.”

Yup, the biggest danger to tourists in Phuket are the flying farang of Pattaya. Those high-rise buildings should all be hauled off to the Bangkok Hilton. Which surely is located somewhere around Phuket.

Yes, when you arrange transpo into Patong Beach from the airport if you are foolish enough to take one of the mini-vans they will stop to ‘shuffle’ passenger loads at their office where you can buy overpriced day tour packages. Or in Bangkok you can hop into a taxi at the airport and pay a fixed fee for your ride into town in what is supposed to be a metered taxi.

Ever wonder why the locals in some areas just aren’t that friendly?

Yes, there’s a good chance if you rent a jet ski in Phuket when you return it you’ll be forced to pay for ‘damages’ that magically appeared during your rental period. Or you can avoid that Phuket scam by instead returning it in Pattaya. Where you’ll be forced to pay for ‘damages’ that magically appeared during your rental period.

Yes, tuk tuk prices are fixed in Patong Beach and fares are grossly inflated. Or you can catch a taxi in Patpong at night, or at any one of Bangkok’s popular touri restaurants, or when it is raining, where the drivers have all fixed the fare to a standard grossly overinflated price.

Yes, the drunk Aussies on Walking Street are an unruly bunch that may scare timid queens. Oh wait, that’s Walking Street in Pattaya.

Yes, if you rent a scooter or bicycle in Phuket and keep your valuable in the basket mounted to the handlebars someone may rip you off. Or you can ride a songtaew in Pattaya where a gang of pickpockets will do that trick for you.

Yes, the tuk tuks are controlled by the mafia in Phuket. As they are in Bangkok. Along with the taxis.

Yes you can get mugged in Phuket wandering around dark streets late at night. And fans of Pattaya all know how safe it is to take a stroll along Beach Road late at night by yourself.

Water safety is a personal responsibility.

Yes, it is true the locals in Patong Beach are less friendly and you’ll seldom run across the famous smiles Thailand is known for when visiting there. But that is also true of Khaosan Road in Bangkok. Nor are the locals around Kuta as friendly as those outside of the heavily touristed areas of Bali. Whodathunk dealing with drunk, obnoxious, cheap-ass tourists all day would have an effect on the attitude of locals?

Yes, Paradise Complex is a shadow of its former self with bars closing so fast and furious it’d make your head spin. If your head was not already doing 360s from all the closures in Pattaya. And Phuket at least manages to scrape together an annual Gay Pride celebration.

Yes, it’s a shame Phuket does not have a Grand Palace to be closed, or touristy photo ops set up at Wat Arun to use to exhort money out of unsuspecting touri, or small gay-run restaurants where it seems every customer gets ill, or tall enough condos to provide a high enough mount for flying farang to leap from, or a beachfront avenue filled with ugly street walkers, or one-day tailors offering four suits for 1,000 baht, or large jewelry stores filled with overpriced shoddy merchandise, or upstairs bars where you’ll be charged 1,000 baht for a drink, or blocks full of Nigerian drug dealers battling for victims with Nigerian whores, or $60 visits to fake hilltribe villages where you can buy crafts made in Vietnam at five times the price they’re offered at back in town, or . . . Yup, Phuket is dangerous and filled with scams.

The biggest danger in visiting Phuket is that you’ll fall in love with its tropical beauty.

The one complaint Phuket haters can stand behind is the high cost of vacationing there. But then if you showed visitors pictures of the beaches around Phuket alongside those you’ll find in Pattaya and ask which would be a more expensive holiday destination, the answers would be unanimous.

Phuket is one of Southeast Asia’s premier vacation spots, with an average of over 3 million visitors each year. Most have an enjoyable, trouble-free vacation. Taking a bit of responsibility for your own personal safety is key. As it is when visiting anywhere on the planet. I hate to break it to you, but Phuket is a safe holiday destination. As long as you are aware of potential scams, don’t get into altercations with locals or drunk farang, know how to enjoy the beach safely, and be as aware of your surroundings as you would be in any other heavily touristed city in the world. Then your biggest danger would be finding that Kunt12 is holidaying in Phuket at the same time as you are.

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Going Native In Bangkok

30 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tales, Thailand Travel Tips and Tales

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Scams

But then sometimes a little evil is a good thing.

Generally, I’m an upstanding citizen. My moral compass may have a slightly different north than yours, but – within reason – I’m honest, loyal, trustworthy, and all that other good stuff the Boy Scouts wanted me to be. As long as you overlook the gay thing. In business, I have a rep for being both honest and fair. And while many have trouble working their little minds around it, I say what I mean, shoot straight from the hip, and my word is sacrosanct. That doesn’t mean I won’t take advantage of a situation when it is to my advantage to do so, but even then it depends more on the person I’m dealing with than it does on the profits I may make. I take great pleasure in scoring a win against blowhards and know it alls. Fleecing the exceptionally stupid too appeals to me. Everyone else is safe. Okay, so maybe my moral compass’ north is where south is on yours. But my friend Noom tells me I’m a good man, so that’s what I’m going with.

I’ve written before – more than once – about the scams that await the unsuspecting touri in Bangkok. Each time I’ve done so I’ve pointed out that the best way to avoid being scammed is to reign in your greed. Greed plays an integral part in any scam. The chance to get something for free or at an unbelievably low price is what makes you overlook all of the warning signs that would otherwise tell you to flee. So when I say ‘exceptionally stupid’ I really mean ‘greedy little bastard who should know better’. And to a lesser degree, since all of the traditional scams in Bangkok are so well known, anyone who doesn’t do just a tiny bit of pre-trip research and then for failing to do so falls victim to a scam has it coming. Walking blindly into a scam that everyone knows about is stupid.

Now you may consider the locals who run these scams to be dishonest. I don’t. There may be a good deal of subterfuge involved, but when it comes down to it – when your money becomes their money – seldom are you getting anything less than what you agreed to. Take the Grand Palace Is Closed Scam for example. Yes, the Grand Palace isn’t closed, but the 50 baht tuk tuk tour of several wats is a real bargain; you get more than what you pay for with that part of the scam. Yes, the professional gentleman you happen to meet while touring one of those wats who clues you into the money you can make by buying gems and jewelry in Bangkok and then reselling them back home is a lying sack of shit. But then if you take business advice from strangers you meet on the street . . . well, I guess it’s your call whether you are greedy or just plain stupid. And then when you are delivered to the huge jewelry store where you are offered incredible savings on expensive pieces of bling of which you have no knowledge as to its value . . . seriously? Minus greed at work, would you make a purchase like that back home?

Did you get what you paid for?

The part of that scam where money exchanges hands is the purchase of jewelry. Where the unsuspecting feel they’ve been scammed is in that they bought a piece they were led to believe was worth a few thousand dollars that they were getting for a few hundred when its retail value is much lower. I’d agree it was a scam if you were sold a piece of glass instead of a gem, or the metal was plated instead of real gold or silver. But that’s not what happens. What happens is your greed allows you to grossly overpay for a cheap piece of bling. And whose fault is that?

Ditto for the suits for 99 baht tailor shops where your custom tailored clothing doesn’t include even a single fitting. You paid a cheap price for a tailor-made outfit and you got a cheap outfit worth every penny you paid. That’s not a scam, that’s greed and stupidity at work. And an Indian tailor. It is no different than paying $100 for a $10 fake Rolex. The vendor cleaned up, but you agreed to the price. And I don’t consider that dishonesty on the part of the vendor.

So it’s not surprising that I found myself one day while visiting the Weekend market helping a vendor who I’d done business with before to scam a touri who was just asking for it. When in Rome, do as the Romans do they say. It just so happens I was in Bangkok instead so I decided to go native. And fleece a touri.

Thai handcrafts made in Vietnam:
Scam, not a scam, or time to book a flight to Saigon?

The vendor is a little old Thai lady who speaks no English. Her small shop is filled with dazzling displays of cut gems and a little bit of finished jewelry. She also sells rough (un-faceted / un-polished) gems. The first time I bought from her the initial price per gram she quoted by using her calculator was laughable. So I did. And then promptly pecked out a figure as ridiculous as hers has been. Which gave her a good laugh too. Game on.

I enjoy bartering with Thais. They have a good time with it and seldom get angry as long as you are working toward a common goal. No claim to buttress your price is too outrageous. In fact, you’ll gain points – and a lower price – for originality. Using the sick or dying relative card before they get the chance to is greatly appreciated too. In this case, once she realized it wasn’t just for the sake of haggling but that I knew the value of what she was selling, we came to a price with which we were both happy. And we were both happy with each other. I’ve visited her tiny store on every trip I’ve made to Bangkok since then, and as soon as she spots me she pulls out trays of treasures she knows I’ll be interested in. Which means, I’m sure, regardless of the great deal I assume I managed to barter for on that initial visit, in her mind I payed far more than I should have.

On one visit, a middle-aged touri from Brazil was busy inspecting a tray of cut green stones while the old lady and I were busy cracking each other up with far-flung prices and tales of woe. I never understand her stories, I doubt if she understands mine. But the general gist is obvious from the vocal tones we use and the faces we make while taking turns punching out new numbers on her ancient little calculator. The lady from Brazil was impressed. And then, assuming she could speak English in front of the vendor without her understanding what she said, asked me if the woman was a thief or if she could be trusted.

A different kind of uncut gem.

Huh. Now you could ask me if a price was fair, you could ask me what the value of a stone was, you could ask me if I thought a particular stone was a bargain at the price you were haggling toward. Asking me if someone I like is a thief isn’t a good move. And then compounding your error by showing your greed and stupidity in one fell swoop . . . okay, so maybe my moral compass’ arrow fell off a few years ago.

I told the touri that I’d been doing business with the lady for years in reply to her question about the vendor’s honesty. Then, holding up the stone she was interested in she asked me, “Is this emerald real?”

Not that I’m that pedantic , but usually when I get the ‘is it real?’ question my reply is, “No, it is a figment of your imagination.” This time I shot a quick look at the old lady. Who managed to keep a straight face while her eyes implored me not to kill her sale. She does not speak English, but does know the English names of stones and undoubtedly knows the difference between an emerald and a piece of tourmaline. Taking advantage of someone’s stupidity is one thing, purposely mis-identifying a stone is another. I asked the touri what the vendor had told her and her reply was, “She doesn’t speak English, she just used her calculator”

The vendor had not said the stone was an emerald, the touri had decided it was. Emeralds are not native to Thailand. You are not going to get a good deal on an emerald in Thailand. You would though in a country where they are mined. Like Brazil. Idiot. “How much does she want?” I asked.

Rough has its admirers too.

In a low whisper to not alert the gods to her good fortune, her eyes filled with greed, she murmured, “She only wants 2,000 baht!”

The old lady followed our conversation, her eyes moving from one of us to the other as we discussed her goods. That piece of tourmaline, had it been an emerald, would have sold on the wholesale market for at least five grand. U.S. dollars. Using the same clandestine voice, I told the touri what she wanted to hear, “At 2,000 baht for an emerald of that size, it’s a steal.”

And it would have been. But for a piece of tourmaline it was about ten times higher than what it should have been at retail. The Brazilian woman quickly handed over her cash and scurried away quite pleased with the deal she’d just pulled over on the stupid old Thai woman. She knew she’d just been part of a scam but thought she was the scammer. When she’d cleared the area, the vendor let loose with the epitome of a Thai smile (which you may just want to keep in mind the next time you are on the receiving end of one of those glorious face-wide smiles). And then offered up a tray of rough that I always buy a few pieces of with a nod and, not surprisingly, one of the few English words she knew, “Free!”

Not only did I get to participate in a scam on the side of the scammer, I got a cut of the profits too. Now whenever I visit her booth the first thing she does is pull out her tray of tourmaline to offer to me, a joke so that we can both have a laugh and remember our day of mutual good fortune. That woman from Brazil, on the other hand, has probably been busy telling everyone she knows about how dishonest Thais are and of the gem scam she got taken for during her visit to Bangkok.

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News Flash: The Grand Palace Is Not Closed

15 Friday Jun 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Scams

The voices of the gods now inform touri that the Grand Palace is not closed. Unless it is.

I don’t know what to say about the fact that these days I’m picking up more useful tidbits off of Stickman’s weekly column than the far more prolific postings of the gay message boards, but there ya go. Knowing that some of you avoid Stick’s corner of the internet because it smells suspiciously of fish, I thought I’d pass along the latest word, one which I have a bit of a problem in believing. According to Stickman the government has installed a PA system along the walls surrounding the Grand Palace that announces to touri that the Grand Palace is in fact not closed.

Have they no sense of tradition!

The Grand Palace Is Closed scam is the second oldest con* in Bangkok. Anna Leonowens fell for it when she presented herself for her governess job, which is why she started all that whistling crap. But then blowing the whistle on locals is never a good idea in Thailand and she managed to get herself banned for all eternity for that little stunt. The Grand Palace Is Closed is a well-known and well participated in scam that ready ~~victims~~ touri greedily fall prey to in masses daily. The Grand Palace Is Closed scam is a rite of passage. And it provides income for scores of locals out to help visitors to their country. I don’t know what the government was thinking. If you hear rumors of a coup in the next few weeks, pay attention this time.

The new announcement, in ‘perfect English,’ advises touri that they should ignore anyone who says the palace is closed. The announcement states that the palace is open every day from 8:30 AM to 4:00 PM and that the last admission is 3:30 PM.

Lucky you! That’s an officially licensed special government approved tuk tuk!

At least half of the touri who hear this announcement will smarten up and realize the helpful local who regrettably tells them that the Grand Palace is closed just might be a liar. Okay, well, maybe 30% will. Still, that is enough potential victims who didn’t get fleeced to put a serious crimp in the income levels of helpful locals, special government approved tuk tuk drivers, visiting professionals who will tell touri about the large gobs of money to be made by purchasing gems in Bangkok and selling them for unheard of profits back in their home country, and gem dealers holding special, one day government approved jewelry sales that the lucky touri who was disappointed about the closure of the palace luckily stumbled upon.

More importantly it could easily put an end to my enjoyment of playing Scam the Scammer and getting a fifty baht tuk tuk ride to three cool wats finished off with a cool drink in a nicely air conditioned showroom where the sales help will quickly figure out I’m not spending a satang. Now I’m gonna have to go visit a damn museum instead.

The word is that before the government decided to intervene in free enterprise, backpackers – who obviously can’t afford pricey high quality gems that would be worth a fortune when they run out of funds and have to go back to the real world – often instead get the opportunity to pick up incredible deals on air and bus fares to wisk them off to the next destination where the locals will prey on their naivete. The Thai government in its ill-conceived move has not only helped to put a stop to these bargain basement deals but is blocking one of the important lessons in life that backpackers once had the opportunity of getting under their belt at an early age.

A humongous gold Buddha is included on the Scam The Scammer tour.

For most of them that lesson was: You Are A Loser You Backpacking Scum. For those that agreed to their trip of discovery on a whim and have hated every minute of it, the lesson that complete strangers who want to clue you in on a big secret are lying is one they would have benefited from for years to come. Thank the gods the bar boys who will tell you they love you within minutes of meeting are still readily available or my faith in humanity would be completely lost.

Not being a complete Philistine, whenever I have visited the Grand Palace I’ve dressed appropriately. The symbol of Thailand’s monarchy whose grounds are filled with temples, chapels, and shrines . . . you shouldn’t need to be told to dress respectably. Those that do need to be told often instead get their own version of the Grand Palace Is Closed scam wherein the gem shops and bargain ticket outlets are bypassed in favor of one of Bangkok’s award winning Indian Tailors since its obvious the poorly dressed touri are in need of a decent set of duds.

The best Indian tailors in Bangkok are always easy to spot. Their pants are one inch too tight and two inches too short. I’m not sure why they are all committed to the before picture, but have to assume it must be considered the apex of marketing in Calcutta. But inappropriately dressed visitors to the Grand Palace need not worry. A helpful local will point out an officially sanctioned tuk tuk driver who will know where these guys’ shops are. Those whose karma is not quite as good won’t get an opportunity to buy a new sets of clothes, they’ll get the opportunity to rent them.

Locals will turn to Buddha to fix what the government just screwed up for them.

I never realized there was a bonus scam lying in wait at the Grand Palace, but evidently there is and it too is a staple of the local economy. Or it once was. Now, in addition to announcing the hours the palace is open, the government’s broadcast also informs potential visitors that if they are dressed inappropriately there are acceptable coverings inside available for use at no charge. Evidently previously there were gangs of locals offering used clothing for rent to the unsuspecting and fashion challenged. Now, their business too has been given a swift kick in the okole by those currently in charge of the country. Maybe those plying their trade around the Grand Palace are all yellow shirt supporters. Or maybe the royal coffers are feeling the economic pinch too and the loss of admission fees is finally being taken seriously.

I don’t know what Thailand is coming to. The next thing ya know they’ll be prohibiting the rental of pre-damaged jet skis in Phuket.

(* The oldest con in Bangkok is that the guy you just met in a gogo bar loves you.)

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Scammed Again In Bangkok

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Scams

And hold onto your wallet too, there’s a new scam for those using Bangkok’s riverboats.

Considering that hordes of touri still fall for the ‘The Grand Palace Is Closed’ scam despite it being such an oldie but goodie, passing the word about a new scam in Bangkok may be nothing more than a warning once again falling on deaf ears. But then since it may provide me a chance sometime in the future of saying I told you so . . .

Stickman, a long time blogger who covers the straight commercial sex bar industry as well as making general observations about Thailand, recently mentioned a new scam he’d heard about that I thought I’d pass along. Many touri use the Chao Phraya riverboats to visit Wat Pho and the Grand Palace. Most guide books suggest getting off at Ta Tien Pier, the one closest to Wat Pho. Evidently there is a gentlemen there who charges visitors a 20 baht fee for using the pier. Stickman says he has a book of official looking tickets and that most people he approaches, not knowing any better, pay up.

There is no fee for using the piers; there is for using the boats. Other than at Central Pier, where on occasion someone sets up an old wooden table at the ramp entrance, you do not pay your for your ticket until you get on the boat. Unless you fell for the Tourist Boat scam, which I consider to be a scam but is in fact a bonafide business. For stupid touri.

Ticket takers collect fares on the riverboats, not on the piers.

If you are planning on visiting Bangkok and have not used the riverboats before, there is a link below to an article previously posted here about the system and how to use it.

Scamming touri is a Thai national pastime. A bit of research before you go coupled with a lack of greed on your part does wonders in avoiding getting ripped off. As much as I hate to hear of yet another touri getting scammed, I have to give this guy credit for coming up with a new one; Thais tend to rely on time honored scams so anyone taking the initiative to come up with something new deserves a pat on the back. Pat hard enough and he could end up floating in the Chao Phraya.

This enterprising local has set up shop on one of the lesser used piers, trading merit for a few baht from disembarking passengers. But he’s a nuisance, not a scammer.

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The Taxi Driver Lottery

09 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tales, Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Scams, Transportation

Bangkok’s taxis are one of the most colorful things about the city.

Mr. Thanusuwannasak is a taxi driver in Bangkok. He’s an old fart, ancient and scrawny as only an elderly Asian can be. But he has a half-inch long pony tail. Dyed blonde. That kind of vanity looks stupid when you have wrinkles, but you have to give Mr. Thanusuwannasak credit for the effort. Besides, he’s a giggler. Braving Bangkok’s bloody traffic in a small taxi that almost guarantees at the least loss of a limb should an accident occur just becomes that much more surreal when your driver can’t stop giggling.

I met Mr. Thanusuwannasak at the airport in Bangkok. Newbies to Thailand fall prey to the AOT and their overpriced limos. Which are the same vehicles used by most taxi drivers except they are a staid factory silver rather than the neon pinks, greens, and oranges favored by the taxi companies. Those visitors who’ve been to Bangkok before, or who are cheap enough to seek out the public taxi concession, make the long trek down to the first floor of the airport and get in line for the ordeal of saving a few bucks.

On my most recent trip for some reason there were very few taxis waiting. But then maybe there was a reason. A lot of Bangkok’s taxi drivers are temporary hires from up north. The bad flooding probably kept them at home driving boats in their old neighborhood instead of taxis in the capital. Whatever the reason, I had extra time waiting for a cab and, for the first time, noticed a large sign that explained that the taxis servicing the airport were required by law to use their meter. The sign went on in great detail, warning touri about fixed fare scams. Nice. About time someone noticed and put an end to that scam. But then I noted the date on the sign was 2008. I think its intent was not to serve notice to touri, but rather to clue in new taxi drivers to the potential of making a few extra bucks by ignoring their meter and haggling for a fixed fare instead. Ya gotta love Thailand.

Bangkok is known for its horrendous traffic problem. If they got rid of half of the taxis plying the streets the problem would go away.

By the luck of the draw, I drew Mr. Thanusuwannasak as a driver, who between giggles actually acted like he knew where my hotel was. But I wasn’t fooled by his obviously contrived jocularity and prepared myself for the usual driver attempt at quoting an inflated price for the ride into town. Instead, Mr. Thanusuwannasak immediately turned on his meter. Maybe business has been slow enough he had the time to read that sign. And didn’t realize, like all rules in Thailand, it could be ignored.

Mr. Thanusuwannasak made such a production out of presenting his business card to me that I made a noble effort at pronouncing his name. I got another giggle in reply. I’m not sure if his was a congratulatory chuckle, or if I’d mangled his name so badly it was worth a laugh. It might have been that I’d insulted his mother. I decided the safest bet was to just start calling him Mr. Giggles. Which he responded to well. With yet another giggle.

Mr. Giggles asked where I was from, a typical query from airport taxi drivers and bar boys alike as your answer clues them into how big of a tipper you may be. He then asked if I knew about the flooding. I did. And I made the proper noises of compassion for the plight of the millions of Thais whose lives have been impacted by the rising waters. Mr. Giggles made a few properly sympathetic noises himself. Or perhaps found a new octave to giggle in. And then thanked me for coming to Thailand even though I knew how bad the weather was. Sincerely. And he quit giggling for a minute while he did so. I was amazed. It’s been a decade or more since I received that kind of welcome to Thailand. And yet that was the exact type of attitude that made me fall in love with the country in the first place. Mr. Giggles and his blonde ponytail earned themselves a nice tip on the ride. And I kept his card.

Catching a taxi in Bangkok can be a hassle, but then other transpo options are not much better.

Flip a coin. Heads or tails. You have as much chance of landing a taxi driver at Suvarnabhumi Airport who lets loose with one of the glorious welcoming smiles that the Thai people are known for as you do one who grins just as broadly not in welcome but rather in anticipation of the few extra baht he’s gonna scam the stupid falang out of. And when it is the latter, it really is only a few extra baht. Maybe that’s why those guys don’t bother me as much as they once did. Seems like a lot of work and a nasty impact on your karma for what amounts to but a buck or two.

So yes, as officially posted, all airport taxis must charge by the meter. In practice, they almost all try and get a fixed fare out of you. 500 baht seems to be the preferred figure. That’s been the standard mode of operation for a few years now. For a while, it pissed me off and I’d run a small scam right back at them, acting dumb and confused to see how far down the road I could get them to drive before having to give up and demand they turn the meter on. But more recently I’ve mellowed. And now when the driver quotes some ridiculous fare I laugh, point at the meter, and settle back for the ride into town. The world looks far different when you giggle at it.

I’m not longer a strapping lad, but am still quite capable of carrying my own luggage. Taxi drivers at the airport all assume that’s part of their job though, even when they’ve got a good ten years on you. That the driver I pulled by the luck of the draw on a short hop back into Bangkok never even made an attempt at grabbing my bags should have clued me into a potential problem. When I hopped into his cab and he asked for ‘my paper’ I knew it was a clue to a potential problem. The driver gets his own portion of the receipt the girl at the taxi line scribbles on. She hands his to him, and yours to you. Yours has a ton of legalese on it but also includes the phone number to call to lodge a complaint when your driver misbehaves. Bad drivers like to get that information away from you. I’ve learned to tuck the receipt away in one of my bags that gets thrown in the trunk. Then I can act dumb when the driver asks for it.

You may get scammed by a taxi driver in Bangkok. You will get scammed by a tuk tuk driver in Bangkok.

The surprise though is what came next. Usually the driver asks if 500 baht is good. Instead, my not too helpful but ready to scam me driver pointed at the meter, turned it on, then added that there was a 50 baht additional charge (there is, it’s imposed by the airport). His apparent honesty threw me off my game. Until I realized it was a classic case of misdirection: get their focus on one hand so they don’t see what the other hand is doing. The other hand in this case was the meter. It started clicking away at a speed not normally used by anyone or anything in Thailand.

I’d read about this scam. Some drivers in Bangkok have their meters set to turn over at a quicker rate. And I finally had run into one of the rigged meters. By the time we hit the first toll plaza, the meter was already close to 200 baht. Shit. The problem was obvious. How to deal with it was not.

Confrontation is never a smart option in Thailand. But then neither is being a victim of a scam. Traffic was heavy and moving slow, so I had plenty of time to consider how best to handle the situation. I briefly considered and discarded the idea of jumping out of the cab at the next toll plaza. It’s not the best place in the world to catch a new taxi.

Catching Bangkok’s light rail system is always a better move than hailing a cab.

I was staying at a hotel I frequent often where I’ve become buddies with the bell hops, security guards, and the other dozen or so Thai guys who hang out around the lobby with no apparent job duties to perform. The ‘little guys’ often are the ones who can make your stay the most enjoyable. So I’m always friendly with them, pass out tips, and sneak a few cold beers back to hand around late at night when I return to the hotel from the bars. I decided I could press the issue when I arrived at the hotel, and that my buddies there might have my back (you can never be sure; Thais usually side with a fellow Thai regardless of the grievance).

I’d just decided that I’d hand him the regular fare and ignore the inflated fare on his meter when my driver got a phone call. After rattling off a bunch of Thai that I could barely get the gist of, he hung up and then apologized to me for taking the call. But his loom had just become ocean front property. The flood they’d been warning of had finally reached Bangkok. And, cuz karma works that way, the waters had made a bee line for his abode.

“Water. Up, up, up!” he explained using his outstretched hand to demonstrate the new heights the river had reached. “My loom,” he added shaking his head in sorrow, “No sleep.”

Shit. Not only had he become human and talkative, but was in the midst of experiencing a personal disaster. And as cold hearted as you may assume I am (which, really, is a safe assumption), the idea of arguing over 100 baht with a man whose living quarters had just been destroyed hardly seemed sporting. Especially since when we reached the hotel the scam part of the fare only came to 70 baht, just over two bucks.

During the 2011 floods, taxi companies parked their vehicles in long lines along highway overpasses to keep them high and dry.

The usual handful of smartly dressed hotel employees in their vaguely militaristic uniforms encircled the taxi as is the norm when we pulled up to the lobby entrance. And I think I made the right call. Or at least I did by my moral compass. After my bags had all been removed from his vehicle, I handed him the full figure shown on the meter. Plus the 50 baht the airport charges. But no tip. And then laid my hand gently on his shoulder while wagging my index finger at him and said in a reproachful manner, “Your meter . . .”

He got it. Immediately. My disappointment in his failing to be the good man Thais aspire to be was obvious. “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he replied apologetically nodding his head with each expression of regret. He’d been busted and knew it. But the gods had bitch slapped him once already in a major way, and made up for it somewhat by producing a falang who wasn’t willing to kick him while he was down.

I dunno. Maybe that was the wrong call. It really didn’t cost me anything, but it also allowed him to sail off and fleece some other unsuspecting touri. I’d like to think he considered the near bust a warning and had his meter set back to its proper speed. But I doubt it. And with my luck, I’ll get him instead of Mr. Giggles at the airport on my next trip too.

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