The internet has been a great boon to the citizens of our planet. You can become informed without having to watch FOX News, be educated without having to buy the entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica, be entertained without having to tune in to network TV, and catch up with members of your family without having to actually see them in person. Thanks to the internet, our lives had been filled with clips of cute kittens and puppies doing silly things, many Americans have taken the first step into the wonderful world of socialized medicine, we’ve discovered that a computer really is in fact preferable to dealing with ignorant store clerks, and we’ve watched Tom Daley come out (kinda, sorta). Our lives have been enriched, our social contacts diminished, and our sexuality expanded. ‘Cuz if there is one thing the internet has proven to be good for, it’s porn and getting laid.

If it wasn’t for the internet Farmers Only.com wouldn’t exist and there’d be a lot of lonely rural men who never had the chance to meet the woman of their dreams. The one who reminds them of their favorite cow. Replete with over-sized udders. Best yet, the internet has provided budding gay boys free access to gay porn videos in the privacy of their own home, no longer subjected to having to watch Linda Lovelace act like she’s licking an ice cream cone in Deep Throat. The internet has touched our lives in many wondrous ways. But nothing compares to the advances it has provided to novice gay boys by properly preparing them for giving their first blow job.

Before the days of the internet, bi-curious boys and those who were already sure they were destined to live their lives on their knees, their mouth serving as a giant in-box, had few options in learning the skills of giving good head. Still photos in gay porn magazines purloined from the local adult book store didn’t cut it, providing the what without giving a clue as to the how. And that old guy hiding in the bushes flashing the high school football team was too timid to share any knowledge he may have had. If you were lucky, you had a strange uncle, a confirmed bachelor, who’d provide a few pointers while he molested you. But that only made family reunions uncomfortable for everyone involved. Especially when someone would ask him why he was always hanging around in the bushes at the local high school.

But then Deep Throat premiered, took the country by storm, and changed the American fellatio landscape forever. Still pretending their life wouldn’t revolve around dick, gay boys to be snuck into theaters across the country, often in the company of their straight buddies, no one mentioning that the thrill of watching a man getting his dick sucked might not be quite as hetro of an experience as they’d assumed. And those who got hard when Harry Reems’ dick appeared on the screen kept mum about that too.

Unfortunately, Linda Lovelace was no Marilyn Chambers. And only proved that when it comes to sucking cock, women don’t know dick. ‘Cuz only if you don’t own one would you ever think that licking is the way to go. Lovelace’s on-screen performance was and is responsible for some of the worst blow jobs the world has ever seen or experienced. Instead of taking her cue from the title of that movie, she failed to put her mouth where the money-shot was. Which only served to prove the point that women can not follow directions. That’s fine for straight couples; straight dudes who turn their penis’ happiness over to the manipulations of a woman’s mouth get exactly what they deserve. But for all of the gay boys who she steered wrong Lovelace should have been arrested for committing a hate crime. And her legacy is still ruining good skull-fucking sessions today.

I’m all for equality, even equality of the sexes. Because allowing women their fantasies isn’t a particularly trying endeavor. It’s a lot like throwing a tennis ball for your golden retriever. It makes them happy. It allows them to get themselves all worked up over nothing. While you know they’d be much more content and satisfied if you just gave them a bone to gnaw on. But when that bone is a penis and a woman is involved, it should be a mouths off policy. And when it comes to giving advice on how to suck dick, women need to just keep theirs shut.

I recently ran across a website, Patti Knows, that features an advice column by a self-proclaimed sexologist, Emily Morse, who felt the need to prove she knows nothing. Even though she claimed to have perfected her dick sucking skills via an interview she did with gay porn star Conner Habib, the information she provides in 10 Tips For Giving A Great Blow Job was all obviously learned from when her daddy set her down in front of the TV to screen Deep Throat. Ten tips and in every one of them she manages to mention licking dick. In fact, although she controlled her bad urges until Tip #4, one of her mouthful of suggestions is even titled Lick It. No problemo. By the time you get to that error, if you’ve ever had your dick sucked properly, you already know the bitch hasn’t a clue about sucking dick.

She starts off with by giving an honorable mention to Cosmos’ advice to “give it a little nibble”. And women wonder why their men beat them. She concludes Tip #1 with the advice to “stretch your lips completely over your teeth”. Because, according to Ms. Morse, “Once you look like a toothless ninety-year-old, you’ll be ready to give a good blow job.” The only problem with that bit of advice is that once you look like a toothless ninety-year-old what you were supposed to be sucking on will no longer be there.

Her next few tips all focus on the head, with a lot of tongue on the tip suggestions, showing that while not quite missing the point she’s forgetting the six to seven inches below it. And even when she finally gets to the heading Deep Throating, she pulls a Lovelace and suggests, “Try to imagine you’re licking an ice cream cone.” Which explains why so many women end up spending their nights at home alone wallowing in a quart of Häagen-Dazs. Ms. Morse even goes so far as to state: “You certainly don’t have to deep-throat every time you give a blow job.” Um yes, Emily, you do. Seriously.

She goes on to conclude, not quickly enough, that occasionally you should “lick outside your comfort zone” before reminding one and all, “His penis is an ice cream cone, remember?” while providing the caveat that “most people don’t adore having a penis bobbing in and out of their mouth for 30 minutes”. And there’s the rub. Which is what most straight guys end up doing after the suffering through the dismal attempt their bitch made at giving them head. And it’s all Linda Lovelace’s fault.

There’s nothing difficult about giving good head. The directions are simple. Insert. Swallow. Repeat. It’s as simple as that. As for licking, if you’ve been deep throating cock for an hour or more and feel the need to come up for air for a few seconds, fine. But then get back to work.

I only bring this entire subject up because I recently had the experience – one I assumed was well in the past – of hearing those fateful words, “Um, dude, you know I’ve never done this before.”

I smiled. Grabbed the back of his neck. And replied, “it’s not polite to talk when your mouth is full.” And then bitch-slapped him when he tried to pull a Lovelace.

It wasn’t his fault. He’d never had a real blow job before. Only those women try to pass off as sucking dick. And if he’d turned to Google first, he probably found Emily Morse’s column. If you are gonna use the internet for clues on giving head, use Google Images, search on ‘gay porn blow job’. There’s thousands of results. And in none of those images will you see a tongue. Or an ice cream cone.

I think he thanked me. At least that’s what I interpreted “Mmmurph” to mean. Although that could have just been his tonsils talking. Bad habits, however, are hard to break. And when I took my hands off of his ears and looked down to where he kneeled, his tongue was at it again. But just when I was thinking the honeymoon, if not the entire relationship, was over, I noticed that not having my cock firmly lodged in the back of his throat allowed him to give a slight, satisfied smile. And then our eyes met. My lust was replaced with love. Because suddenly my penis loved being licked. It wanted to be licked. It wanted to be his ice cream cone. It was just glad he wasn’t a toothless ninety-year-old. ‘Cuz there are some changes that are just too great for anyone’s psyche.

Fortunately for me, my better instincts once again took over and my penis went back to its favorite hobby of spelunking. And fortunately for him, he swallowed instead of spitting. Because that was too close of a call. When your relationship starts getting in the way of your sex life, there’s trouble ahead. And it could change your perceptions of what a happy ending is really all about.

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