I would certainly hope that by now everyone would know better than to play without protection. Whether it is a specific virus that concerns you, or deadly life-threatening diseases in general, going ‘bareback’ is not only risky but can quickly turn a moment of pleasure into a life filled with pain. Human nature being what it is, even though they know better, too many are willing to throw caution to the wind, forgetting or ignoring how dangerous it is out there.

Of course if those who are infected would do the honorable thing and warn those with whom they come in contact, or if only temporarily infected quarantine themselves rather than spread the nasty little bug they’re carrying, it would alleviate some of the worry and concern. But then some people are just assholes. They are in it for themselves with no concern about the well-being of others. Which brings me to the point of this post, a timely one with an added benefit.

My New Year resolution for 2013 is to stop reading the Gay Thailand forum. Even better, one of my other resolutions for 2013 is to bestow more Turtle Ass Awards to the deserving this year. I just didn’t think someone would provide such an early excuse for me to do so.

Gay Thailand recently picked up a nasty piece of malware – the Exploit virus – which regular posters on his forum quickly alerted the site’s owner about. His reply was that his site was perfectly safe and it was just a minor glitch from some recent site maintenance work they’d done. Scarlett O’ Hara is not your best choice of characters to emulate when as a message board owner you are faced with an infectious site. Stupidity is one thing, ignorance another.

Savvy surfers don’t play without protection.

But then holding up Rhett Butler as your ideal and saying, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” is even worse. When you’ve become infectious, telling your membership or anyone else unlucky enough to have dropped by your site that there is no problem is just plain wrong. Fixing the problem and owning up to it, or pulling your site until you do, is the right move. Allowing your site to spread a virus in favor of collecting the few pennies your links to porn sites brings you is a despicable act.

That happened on Gay Thailand several days ago. I don’t surf without protection so I didn’t pick up what is a computer-destroying virus. But my condom of choice alerted me to the danger and my computer proudly patted itself on its back for having prevented the virus from taking hold. I read the warnings posted by members, and the bullshit answer posted by the owner/moderator. All while my anti-malware software pinged its little ass off. Which only served to prove the owner/moderator was stupid, ignorant, or a greedy little bastard who didn’t care if his site was passing on a doomsday bug to anyone who had the misfortune of visiting there. Or all of the above.

Perhaps it would be more reasonable for me to wait a bit and then log back in to see if the problem has been fixed. But I believe in safe surfing and see no good reason why I should expose my hard drive to an attack. Especially when that site’s owner’s attitude demonstrates his complete lack of concern for those who use his site. Since it has happened once, it probably will happen again. And maybe next time it will be a bug new enough that the software I use for protection will not keep my computer safe. Deleting the Gay Thailand message board bookmark from my computer is easier than dealing with what could be a disastrous surfing experience.

Sure now I’ll have to look into getting a script for Ambien rather than rely on Fountainhall’s long-winded and boring posts to put me to sleep. And no longer will I enjoy the comedic stylings of ThaiUnworthy, whose one-liners are never funny but when he is being himself and posting from his little black heart dude is ROFL funny. And I’ll miss out on the important scoops like where in Pattaya you can find the best canned beans for breakfast – or whatever in the hell it was Michael was whining about not being able to have for an early breakfast. Gay Thailand’s forum is the last bastion of a bunch of old white guys using the Khun honorific toward each other to show not only how sanctimonious but how ridiculous ‘in the know’ frequent visitors and Thailand expats can be, so I’ll miss that too. But then there are plenty of other forums to visit and plenty of other posers to laugh at with.

Don’t rely on others for watching out for your health or the health of your computer.

The last time I posted a review of the forums, I noted that while it wasn’t an active board Gay Thailand did have threads of interest to visitors of Thailand. That has been a thing off the past lately unless your interests run towards the minutia of the daily goings-on of Sunee Plaza. So giving up on that forum is not much of a sacrifice. The small handful of regular posters there like to congratulate themselves on being ‘good guys’ and for not participating in the slightly more bloody exchanges you’ll find on SGT. And if you don’t believe them, just try posting a contrarian opinion. But then the ‘respectable’ people have never been good at dealing with the less sanctimonious message board posters. Guttersnipe Das, a blogger/essayist whom I adore, hit it on the head – as he so often does – when it comes to the good guys on Gay Thailand:

“One thing that always strikes me is the abiding uselessness of respectable people. So-called respectable people. They are so good – you’d think that they’d be good for something. But no.
Evidently it takes very nearly all their energy, just to pretend nothing untoward is going on.”

I’d hope the regulars on Gay Thailand are as outraged that their glorious leader is more interested in the income his porn links generate than he is in protecting the safety of those who visit his site. But I’m doubtful that’ll happen. It’s only the outsiders they seem to get their panties in a wad over. When someone dares to offer an opinion that differs from theirs, they circle the wagons and let loose with the type of malicious outpourings that would earn sidelong glances at a Nazi Party convention. And then heartily pat each other on their backs for being such fine upstanding forum members. Or they rally around the flag to demand the owner/moderator ban the scum who dared an attempt at injecting a bit of reality into their little world.

Not long ago a not daily contributor started a thread asking why Gay Thailand seems to have such a problem in attracting new members. He offered several possible reasons, one of which was that the banter between regular posters may turn some people off. Of course the usual suspects chimed right in claiming they love the banter, but then since they are also the guilty ones that hardly addressed the issue, but did reinforce just how dense some people can be.

If you are not familiar with what GIGO means, drop by the Gay Thailand forum sometime. But please make sure your anti-virus and anti-malware software is updated first.

Gay Thailand’s problem in attracting new posters is that the regulars posting there are the kind of people most of us tend to avoid. They may be perfectly nice folk, but there is an intensity of self-importance at play that drives people away in droves. That atavistic instinct has served mankind well throughout history. Besides they are too busy trying to impress each other with the breadth of their knowledge of trivial matters to actually engage in banter. Except Thaiworthy who is so wrapped up in trying to find acceptance somewhere in the world that he routinely demonstrate why that is such an elusive quest for him.

The owner/moderator recently banned LMTU – which any right thinking forum moderator would do – but not because of anything LMTU did, but rather because of the responses generated from his regular membership to those posts. That ass-backwards approach to running a forum alone should qualify him for a Turtle Ass award. His ‘fuck ‘em they shouldn’t be surfing without protection’ approach to his site being toxic is just icing on the cake. And good enough for his board to win 2013’s first Turtle Ass Award.

The Gone With The Wind Turtle Ass Award Winner:
Gay Thailand

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Thrilled that it is time for another Turtle Ass Award

Time again for a post under the Criticism, Critiques, and Claps category. While I was leaning toward a Turtle Ass Award – everyone always loves them so – I did not intend to look toward one of the gay Thailand boards for inspiration this time around. But then I ran across the ‘All About LMTU’ thread on Jabba The Butt’s blog bored board and figured such a thread so prominently placed and so well read and posted to could only be an on-line eulogy to the great man and felt it only right – even though I’d always thought LMTU would be the Susan Lucci of the Turtle Ass Awards – I add my own tribute by presenting a special award in his memory.

Like most, I was saddened to learn of Let Me Tell U’s demise. A testament to LMTU’s popularity within the community, the tribute thread was seventeen pages long and had over 3,500 views, a new record for Jabba’s forum, the next closest being the infamous ‘stinky poo’ thread, one I never bothered to read but believe was a challenge to find a new and more appropriate title for Jabba’s board. Jabba is a difficult man to forget, but well worth the effort. There is no beginning to the man’s talents, but you have to give him credit for braving yet another attempt at a successful website if for no other reason than his efforts lend credence to the old adage ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’. And again, and again, and again, and again. Jabba started his board at the bottom and it’s been a downhill battle ever since. As owner, moderator, and top poster, he ruins his board single handedly, doing the work of three men: Curly, Larry, and Moe.

Since days – and sometimes weeks – go by with LMTU being the only member to start a new thread on Jabba’s forum, you can understand how deeply Jabba misses him. And he feels personally responsible for LMTU’s passing as preliminary reports are that LMTU died of boredom while reading one of Jabba’s posts. Authorities in Pattaya believe the same causation may be behind the rash of flying expat deaths that city has experienced over the last year.

Jabba started the thread off with a moving account detailing the countless minutes he and LMTU had spent together in person. But the depth of their bromance found its home on-line where the two, equally unarmed, often engaged in a battle of wits. Jabba usually won, relying on his authority to close or lock the thread using his famous iron fist, the strength of which he has built over the years in a failed attempt at becoming the master of his domain. Yes, Jabba often proved he was the bitter man, but LMTU gave as good as he got, the boys he’d spent a lifetime buying wishing he’d done the same with them.

Jabba The Butt and LMTU vie for top honors.

And speaking about premature ejaculators, Jabba turned the LMTU tribute thread into a sticky post, a term that could well apply to many threads on his board. He suspended his normal draconian set of board rules, that in itself a testament to the high regard in which he held LMTU. But Jabba’s actions have never spoken as clearly, or as plodding or as pontificating in manner as his words, nor do the two streams of consciousness often meet. So let’s turn to Jabba’s own words to pay “The great LMTU” respect.

Jabba, likening LMTU to Field Marshal Montgomery:, and admitting “throughout all the years of his posting, he’s never wrong,” offered a sorrowful lament: “Why, oh why can’t I be more like Let me tell u? Let me tell u is certainly my role model. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all be more like him . . . ?” Jabba added that that had long been one of his goals and apologized that “my board is about Thailand. It isn’t about you and your interesting life.”

Continuing with praise for his BFF, Jabba added: “I don’t think anyone, including me, can deny he does generate interest. There are plenty of real characters around here, but LMTU holds a place of his own. There is only one LMTU.” And then he thanked God for LMTU’s brief time amongst us.

LMTU, who touched so many lives while bringing enjoyment to so few, started his posting career on SGT where he quickly became a board favorite known for his eloquent writing style and for posts brimming with useful information. On SGT, he quickly demonstrated that his mine was so fine that no idea could penetrate it. And though other posters often took great exception to LMTU’s utterances, he did not allow their negativity and flaming to slow him down, showing that he didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’. But then, he didn’t know the meaning of most words.

It wasn’t long before the rest of the cyber world took notice and fans began copying and pasting LMTU’s posts, often week, months, and sometimes years before LMTU actually posted his. Realizing that his posts put other member’s attempts to shame, he abandoned SGT as he did board after board after board until finding his home and the perfect site for his talents at Jabba’s corner of the internet where everyone is entitled to be ignorant and most abuse the privilege.

Jabba finally finds a worthy opponent for a battle of wits.

LMTU’s legion of friends and fans chimed in to his eulogy thread adding their own testimony to the man’s superior intellect. Wallace the Wallet made a brief statement, saving his breath as he needed it to blow up his date for the night, comparing LMTU to the beloved Walter Mitty character. And Smiles, a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about, referred to him as “The Legend LMTU”. Smiles’ most recent posts are a homage to LMTU’s fascinating writing style, becoming more and more LMTU-esque with each posting.

Trongpai, the kind of person who can say absolutely nothing – and mean it, was so taken with LMTU’s persona, he rued the fact that he had passed on before someone told him how to start his own blog, stating that ‘it would be an win-win” for LMTU and his fans. Trongpai also felt the on-line eulogy wasn’t enough of an honor suggesting a foam party be held in Bangkok in LMTU’s honor complete with an open bar and some finger food as a fitting tribute since LMTU so often received a one finger salute from his many fans. (Jabba, btw, plagiarized Trongpai’s blog idea, then used a classic LMTU move stating that he and TP had the same idea at the same time, proving that yes, great minds do stink alike.)

Geezer, to whom someone once passed on the bad advice that he should always be himself, showed his love for the man by paying tribute to LMTU’s unchallenged veracity, recounting many of his favorite posts, noting LMTU’s tale of his adventures with a comely army boy he met in Saranrom Park was “a riveting series of posts.” And Rocket, choked with emotion and unable to post a coherent thought added “what an inspiration LMTU” has been to him.

Jaafar, temporarily abandoning the board everyone else abandoned years ago, took a more direct approach to immoralizing LMTU saying of his posts that they were “. . . a perfect example of what people . . . want to read on this message board.”

A typical reaction to a Jabba The Butt post.

Thaiworthy, who evidently recently got laid which greatly improved his normally dour demeanor, compared LMTU to William Shakespeare, and in one of the more eloquent statements said, “I don’t think anyone can deny LMTU’s posts don’t include farce, slapstick and mistaken identities, puns and bad word play. They are the elements that make him unique. He is a colorful character and pulling on the reins will not change him. Whoever else he is, he is still LMTU. Let the man dance and play and restrict him here as you see fit, but don’t scratch your heads wondering why he is so popular. If the reason isn’t obvious, it never will be.”

And Oxfordman, who knows little and suspects less, added, “. . . LMTU, . . . intriguing to say the least, . . . appears . . .respectable and liked by the gay community . . . he is the greatest.”

Jabba closed out the tribute thread by donating a special spot on his board for all future posts about LMTU, a permanent place for his fans and friends to continue their love-fest. Meanwhile, over at SGT, a similar LMTU thread received nowhere near the amount of attention it should have as the forum’s pecksniffian posters were busy trying to dictate how that board will conduct itself under its new ownership. The new owner, Da Boss, has made himself known and the overwhelming response and best wishes from the membership there have surely sent him off to read the fine print on Elephantspike’s refund and return policy.

And so, knowing tradition dictates special awards be named after a well-known and universally disrespected personality I give you the Jabba The Butt Lifetime Aggrievement Turtle Ass Award, and it’s first recipient LMTU. Fortunately LMTU’s posting career occurred in a Buddhist country where the belief in reincarnation is strong. I’m sure we will see LMTU, or one of his numerous personalities, posting again soon, offering walking, talking, stumbling, and posting proof that you don’t have to be sentient to survive.

The Jabba The Butt Lifetime Aggrievement Turtle Ass Award Honoree: LMTU