This is the first in a series of posts covering Bangkok Hotels for gay visitors. Yesterday’s post was an introduction to the series and describes the rating system I’ll be using for each hotel reviewed. Today’s post covers the area of town that most newbies assume is where they’ll want to stay: Bangkok’s red light district and home to the majority of gay gogo bars catering to the tourist crowd, Patpong. As a location for sex tourism, it can’t be beat. As a location for pretty much everything else, it sucks. And that’s the one thing all of the hotels in today’s post share: location. That won’t hold true for the other areas I cover.

(Note: I consider Patpong hotels to be those on and around Suriwong; those at the opposite end on Silom and those at the far end of Suriwong will be covered in a different posts.)

Begrudgingly I’ll award a few positive points to Patpong hotels on location since everyone else in the world seems to think it is where you need to stay if you are gonna be hitting the gogo bars. But I disagree. There are other areas just a short taxi ride away where you’ll get better value and which are more convenient for getting around the rest of the town. Yes, stay in Patpong and you will have only a short walk to get to the bars. But that walk will be in Bangkok’s heat and humidity, not to mention along crowded sidewalks overflowing with all the other visitors to Bangkok who are out for a night of risque entertainment. I’d rather take a short ride in an air-conditioned taxi and get out cool and refreshed to step directly onto Soi Twilight and into my favorite bar.

The closest BTS station to where you’ll be staying at these hotels is Sala Daeng, which I do not consider a ‘short’ walk away. These hotels like to say it is five minutes away, but ten is closer to being true. And that is not convenient. Taxis may be plentiful, but at night will only accept a fixed fare unless you are willing to walk to the outskirts of the district before catching one. And tuk tuks consider anyone staying in Patpong to be a rube – even more so than normal – and charge accordingly. If you are trying to get back to your hotel once the night’s entertainment has begun, trying to convince a taxi to take you to Patpong can be difficult at times, though you will do better by adding ‘Suriwong’ than allowing the driver to think he will have to battle the traffic on Silom. So transportation-wise this area sucks.

On a more positive note, there are convenience stores on almost every corner, lots and lots of restaurants, and the ever entertaining night market to boot. Ditto for money exchange booths. But for cheap laundry services, not so much.

Having said that, once I started listing the hotels in this area I realized with the exception of those catering to sex addicts and one I’d never hard of before, I’ve stayed at each of these properties at least once. I guess the allure of being close to the gogo bars is stronger than I thought. Granted all except one of my stays were for short periods of time, three days max with most being only for a night or two. And perhaps that’s a consideration I’d not thought of; if your visit is limited in length, a hotel in Patpong may be the right way to go.

Listing them all in one post, however, may not be. What I originally thought would be a small handful of hotels to review, quickly grew to well over a dozen. So I’m dividing them into two posts, this one will cover the better known and/or more popular Patpong hotels, tomorrow’s post will cover the smaller, less popular, and less liked or well-known establishments.

Again, all of the following hotels get the same score for location; I just don’t see that any one is better in this regard than is its neighbors. As much as I’d like to award a 2, I’ll pander to the crowd and score a 3 in this case. Now on to the hotels:

<The Rose Hotel:

Location. Location, Location: 3
The Shower Experience: 1
Bed Head: 3
A Clean, Well Lit Place: 2
Breaking Your Fast: 1
The Hired Help: 4
The People Next Door: 3
You Gets What Ya Pay For: 2
Gay-Friendly: 4
Extras: 3
Getting In And Getting Out: 5
Brownie Points: -1

OVER ALL SCORE: 30 out of 60 = 2

Down a dark and dingy lane off Suriwong, the 70 room Rose Hotel has a loyal following, primarily for its rep for turning a blind-eye to whatever it was you decided to haul back to your hotel room. Unfortunately, the hotel tends to turn a blind eye to everything else too. Though renovated a few years ago, there’s not much you can do with an ancient structure and the rooms still look and feel dated. Rooms run from the mid $50s to about $100 for their version of a suite. Your best bet is to book one without breakfast.
The Shower Experience: Tubs were all the rage when this hotel was built and that’s still what you get for a shower stall. Along with a nice collection of mold. That’s a shame because the water pressure and lack of fluctuating water temperature would otherwise be a nice way to start your day.

Bed Head: The beds at the Rose are firm but not hard. But they still use sheets, blankets, and a bedspread as linens, which while clean are quit worn. Other than the pillows being on the small side, the bed was less than memorable, which while not positive isn’t a bad thing either.

A Clean, Well Lit Place: Good lighting both natural and electrical, though not so much in the bathroom. But then considering the state of the bathroom, maybe that’s a good thing. I will note here that when you go with earth-tones for your decor, as a general rule it should be colors that are actually found in nature.

Breaking Your Fast: You’ll be charged extra for a refill on your coffee when eating at the hotel’s free set-menu breakfast; it’s served in the Rose Hip Restaurant, which should clue you in that you are not gonna get the whole flower. On my stay for day one we had the experience, on day two I sent Noom down to eat both of our breakfasts so he could get filled, on Day three, we went down the street for breakfast instead.

The Hired Help: The housekeepers did their jobs well and in a timely manner, the bell hops out front were always good for a joke and a laugh, and the one who would hit the elevator button for you seemed to be in on the joke that his job is. When I think of the Rose’s staff, a big smile comes to mind, and you can’t get much better than that.

The People Next Door: For the most part you did not hear the other guests while in your room, and in the lobby the majority were friendly; with many obviously gay guests it was easy to get into brief and friendly conversations.

You Gets What Ya Pay For: I’ve already dinged the Rose for its crappy breakfast, and have already noted you can get better value by staying outside of Patpong. This is a basic, striving to be a 3 star hotel, so the somewhat cramped room I could live with. Rooms come with a standard sized mini-bar and a television from the ‘80s with a limited number of channels. There is also a writing desk in the rooms, well-lit and of a height that you can still fit your legs and chair underneath.

In-room amenities are lacking, those are the kind of things you just automatically expect and only miss when they are gone. Kinda like your grandparents. Air-conditioning is by individual window units, which drip and can be noisy. But again that’s about what is to be expected in this class of a hotel. Being charged 300 baht a day for internet access, however was beyond the pale. That adds $15 to the cost of your room, which makes the Rose not that good of a deal or value.

Gay-Friendly: With it’s rep the Rose shoulda scored a five in this category. But it is the only hotel in Bangkok that I’ve run across that has a higher room charge for two guests, usually you can book a double for the same price as a single. Having heard how open they were to overnight gusts, I booked a single and then had Noom, unregistered, stay with me every night. At checkout I got scolded and warned next time I’d be charged the double fee. No problemo. There will be no next time.

Extras: For the size and category of hotel, the pool is awesome. And just off to its side is an adequate fitness room. And though I’ve yet to dine there, the Ruen Urai Fine Thai Cuisine built in a old teak house (which serves as a backdrop for the pool area) gets excellent reviews.

Getting In And Getting Out: Both checking in and checking out were quick and efficient. Even more so than you would usually call efficient in Bangkok.

Brownie Points: The Rose lost a point here thanks to its elevator. Which is small, though that is the norm in Bangkok. But it does not go to the upper floors. You have to get out and walk up a flight of stairs. And it is not very good at judging where the floors are – as when using the Tube in London, mind the gap!

<Tarntawan Place Hotel:

Location. Location, Location: 3
The Shower Experience: 2
Bed Head: 3
A Clean, Well Lit Place: 3
Breaking Your Fast: 3
The Hired Help: 5
The People Next Door: 4
You Gets What Ya Pay For: 4
Gay-Friendly: 5
Extras: 1
Getting In And Getting Out: 2
Brownie Points: +2

OVER ALL SCORE: 37 out of 60 = 3

The 75 room, 3-star Tarntawan is a gay institution in Bangkok and many guests appreciate being part of its primarily gay clientele. Others have noted that breakfast feels like a meat market with the other guests sizing up your boy du hour as their next possible victim. I want to like the Tarntawan, which sits in a secluded courtyard off Suriwong, more than I do; part of me can’t shake the feeling that, as many gay businesses do, they are trying to cash in on being a gay hotel by charging what I call a gay tax. There are a lot of pluses about this place, but some minuses that can’t be ignored too. And while the rooms are clean, they are also a bit dated – if you only spring for one of their standard rooms it’ll bring back to mind the days you lived in the closet.

The Shower Experience: Bathrooms at Tarntawan are done in marble and tile, but the shower is in a tub, the confines of which preclude enjoying showering with a friend. Water pressure however is good and the temperature does not fluctuate on its own.

Bed Head: My first stay at the Tarntawan was in a standard room; they used a box spring instead of a mattress which was a unique approach to say the least. Though that was years ago. More recently I stayed in a deluxe room, where the bedroom is sperate from the sitting area. The bed was firm but still comfy.

A Clean, Well Lit Place: How bright and cheery your room will be depends greatly on which room you get. Some feature floor to ceiling windows, some half-wall windows, some a bit less. The reliance on rattan and Thai-style furniture helps give the rooms a darker feel, and the lighting provided is more about ambiance than it is about illumination. Even rooms with larger windows can still be somewhat dark thanks to a view of a concrete wall a mere foot or two away from your room. When booking it’s best to specify that you would like a light room with some sort of a view. Then cross your fingers.

Breaking Your Fast: I’d suspect the Tarntawan’s gayness is a matter of flying a rainbow flag except that it offers it breakfast 24 hours a day, so obviously they get the gay traveller. Someone else might chime in about the selection offered, I’ve always ordered room service instead, which is included in your free breakfast.

The Hired Help: The staff at Tarntawan go out of their way to be both gracious and friendly. Almost to a fault. But that’s a good thing. They are always ready to help and tend to put your needs in front of the duties of their job. Housekeeping is efficient and pays strict attention to the Do Not Disturb lights – so make sure you turn it off when you leave your room or there’s a good chance your room will not be made-up when you return.

The People Next Door: Most guests are gay, those that aren’t undoubtedly feel out-numbered and are on their best behavior. Management schedules a social hour at the bar in the lobby on Thursdays where you can mingle with others staying there, though you can usually find a handful of gentlemen hanging out at the bar to make friends with any night of the week.

You Gets What Ya Pay For: Rooms run roughly $60 to $100, and a slight bit higher during peak season. For Patpong Tarntawan is an okay value. But considering what you can get elsewhere at the higher end of rates you can do lots better. But that tends to hold true for all Patpong properties. The rooms are basic, with a small attempt at providing some atmosphere. Recent upgrades mean they finally have in-room safes, and the old-style TVs have been upgraded to flat screens, but are still small and usually crammed into the room on a small end table almost as an after thought.

Gay-Friendly: Over-night guests are welcome, there is no joiner fee. The front desk holds your guest’s ID card until he leaves, and calls up to your room to make sure there are no problems before handing it back. For many, this is viewed as a plus and they feel it provides them with a higher degree of safety. Personally, I’d rather not. But being in the minority, I’ll give them points instead of docking them for this service. And while it’s not my style, many first time gay visitors love this place because it is, generally, a gay hotel. They feel they will be more accepted here, and worry less about problems or ridicule. Honestly though, 99% of hotels in Bangkok will be no different in regards to a guest being gay and/or his night-time pursuits.

Extras: Other than a business center and the aforementioned bar they like to call a pub, there are no additional amenities at the Tarntawan. Not having a pool may matter to you, so think about that.

Getting In And Getting Out: Check-in is quick and efficient. Checking out, not so much. I’m not sure why, their system is computerized and other than making sure you didn’t pack the contents of the mini bar into your suitcase, there is no good reason the process takes as long as it does. But as with all staff interaction at the Tarntawan, even when slow the service is gracious. The one thing they could do to better this score is to ensure the taxi they flag for you for your ride to the airport uses the meter. Many other hotels do this for you and it’s nice not having to go through the hassle of demanding it from your driver on your own.

Brownie Points: A nice touch are their personalized ‘In Residence” business cards issued to you at check-in complete with your name imprinted. I’m giving Tarntawan points for checking and holding overnight guest’s ID too, even if it does go against my grain. And I gotta give them credit too for their outstanding treatment of guests – you really do get the feeling that your satisfaction is of major concern to every member of the staff.

<The Glitz Hotel

Location. Location, Location: 3
The Shower Experience: 2
Bed Head: 3
A Clean, Well Lit Place: 3
Breaking Your Fast: 1
The Hired Help: 2
The People Next Door: 3
You Gets What Ya Pay For: 3
Gay-Friendly: 3
Extras: 0
Getting In And Getting Out: 3
Brownie Points: 0

OVER ALL SCORE: 26 out of 60 = 2

Glitz is one thing, looking like a cheap whore is another. One of the newer hotels in Patpong, the 14 room Glitz Hotel it is on the corner of the soi where you’ll find the Tawan bar. Like many of the newer places in town it .likes to consider itself a boutique hotel, not realizing that boutique and tiny are not synonymous. On the other hand, The Glitz says Patpong better than any of its competitors. If you consider that a good thing/

The Shower Experience: Considering how tiny the rooms are, the bathrooms are of decent size. But be forewarned – to save on space they’ve gone with glass partitions rather than walls. So not only is privacy an issue, but so is ventilation. There is a small window in the bathroom you can open, but there is no screen so flying guests frequently enter. The shower has a nice rain forest-style head that you stand under, but the stall and the bathroom are one and the same. Protect the toilet paper and your toiletries. Not that they will get totally drenched; the water is luke-warm at best and you’ll make quick work of showering.

Bed Head: The beds are comfy but firm and feature a duvet. Good thing there are blackout curtains on the windows, ‘cuz the bright lights they’ve used to illuminate the hotel would otherwise make it seem like afternoon all night long. And while the location right on Suriwong is a plus, the hotel is cheaply built and it can sound like you are sleeping on the street.

A Clean, Well Lit Place: Noting the decorator’s fondness for reds, pinks, and purples, largely due to the small size of the rooms they are well-lit during the day by natural light and satisfactorily at night because it doesn’t take much wattage to light up the cubbyhole you’ll be staying in.

Breaking Your Fast: Cold cereal, juice, milk, coffee, toast, eggs, and those strange little hot dog thingys are what will face you in the morning, so if you are a big breakfast eater you’ll do better booking a room without breakfast included and finding something more substantial out along Suriwong.

The Hired Help: It’s a small hotel, so the staff matches that. Even then they seemed to be over-worked, and while friendly enough seemed to act as they’d be happier if taking care of guests was not part of their job description. From my stay and reviews I’ve read from others, the nighttime security guard in the lobby’s sole responsibility is to take a nice long nap.

The People Next Door: It’d be interesting to poll guests to discover why they chose The Glitz as their place to stay in Bangkok. You’d think the clientele would be primarily gay guys and straight punters but during my stay there were families, and straight couples too. If you do breakfast at the hotel, you’ll meet all of them in an elbow-to-elbow setting.

You Gets What Ya Pay For: Not really. At $60 – $80 a night depending on the room, you can do better. The decor is modern, or at last an attempt at hitting that mark has been made. But cheap is never far behind. On the plus side, the rooms have nice-sized flat screen TV’s with a good range of channels, a dvd player for the bootleg discs you just bought in Patpong, and free internet.

There is the standard mini bar fridge, a room safe, and surprisingly for the size of the room, ample storage space for clothes and suitcases. On the downside, there is no elevator. Not that I’m not healthy enough to walk up four flights of stairs, but I am lazy enough to not want to. And maintenance, or maybe that’s construction, is wanting. Be gentle with the plumbing fixtures – they may be sitting there instead of actually attached.

Gay-Friendly: Overnight guests welcome, no joiner fee is charged. Front desk staff didn’t really seem to care who walked past, so it’s probably a good thing you need to use your room key to gain access to where the rooms are.

Extras: There are none. It’s The Glitz, not The Ritz.

Getting In And Getting Out: For my stay both were quick and as efficient as you can expect in Thailand. But one morning while leaving in search of an acceptable breakfast I stopped and watched two couples trying to check-out at the same time, which totally taxed the abilities of the girl at the front desk.

Brownie Points: Bright neon colors, small spaces, and minimal expense in construction costs, with tv, dvd, and computer access a must seems to be a new style of standard hotel offerings in Bangkok and The Glitz fits that mold perfectly. Recognizing it is what it is, this hotel neither gains nor losses extra points for its efforts, minimal that they are. As with most properties in Patpong, you’ll do better here by booking a larger room, but then at that price you’ll do even better a short taxi ride away.

<Siam Heritage:

Location. Location, Location: 3
The Shower Experience: 3
Bed Head: 4
A Clean, Well Lit Place: 4
Breaking Your Fast: 4
The Hired Help: 5
The People Next Door: 3
You Gets What Ya Pay For: 4
Gay-Friendly: 3
Extras: 3
Getting In And Getting Out: 4
Brownie Points: +2

OVER ALL SCORE: 42 out of 60 = 4

You’d think a hotel in the middle of Patpong that refuses to let commercial sex workers cross its doorstoop would have a difficult time being a success. Commercial sex workers are, after all, why Patpong exists. Throw in traditional Thai-style accommodations as its stated decor and I really start to get nervous – that can often mean dark woods and rattan that looks and probably came from the ‘50s. But the 73 room Siam Heritage Hotel manages to pull it off, and even earns the right to add ‘boutique to its name (as it often does).

The Shower Experience: I stayed in an Executive Room which had a tub and hand-held shower head. Set into an enclosed area so there was no need for a shower curtain. But friends booked the superior instead, and while their tub’s shower head was mounted on the wall, they got to do battle with a shower curtain daily. Once you get to the Executive Suite level, you get a walk-in shower stall too – for about $8 more, it would be worth it. Both the water pressure and temperature stability were great in the cheaper rooms too.

Bed Head: If you are a newbie to Thailand you need to know that most hotel beds are a wood platform with a mattress on top. There are no box-springs. That usually makes for a fairly hard bed. I’m assuming the Siam Heritage had their mattresses custom made, while still firm they were soft and probably the best bed I’ve slept in in Bangkok (admittedly I like a bed that is basically an over-sized pillow). The pillows, on the other hand, were on the thin side which would have been problematic since Noom always steals every pillow he can lay his hands on, but housekeeping brought up six more when I called down and asked for “a few more”.

A Clean, Well Lit Place: Thai-style decor means lots of dark wood and in a smaller room that can lead to an oppressive feeling. But the room I stayed in and the other two I looked at all managed to maintain a bright and welcoming atmosphere. The wood flooring helps keep the rooms feeling clean and fresh and the lighting offered ambiance where appropriate and light where needed. Noom, who has decided to be an asshole about being an ex-smoker twitched his nose often even though both our room and my friends’ were non-smoking, but I never noticed it myself.

Breaking Your Fast: The breakfast buffet is not lavish but it does offer an ample election of eastern and western food along with a station for having eggs made to order. And the restaurant area is pleasant and cheery. Kinda like the food service staff.

The Hired Help: For this class of hotel the staff was amazing, coming close to the level of service you get at the Oriental. I was expecting someone to kowtow before I could stop them. Smiling staff at good hotels is not unusual in Thailand, the country is known for that facial expression. But old hands can tell the difference between the few hundred smiles Thais have perfected. The staff at Siam Heritage beamed honest ones, they actually looked like they were happy to see you. I already mentioned the request for a few pillows that became a bundle – that was typical of our entire stay, every request was met with an over-the-top response.

The People Next Door: I was expecting more of an upscale crowd, but fellow hotel guests ran the gamut from the tour bus crowd to a few fussy old queens. Maybe they need to charge more for their standard rooms. The hallways have wood floors so sounds reverberate loudly and those of lower class talk loudly with no concern for fellow guests while making their way through the public areas. Or, maybe I’m becoming one of the fussy old queens. More importantly, while classy, this hotel is suitable for anyone and everyone. You won’t feel out of place in the least bit.

You Gets What Ya Pay For: At about $70 for a superior room up to $175 for their Presidential Suite (or the moer modestly priced executive suit at $100-ish) this hotel offers excellent value for what you pay. And, as usual, the more you pay the more you get. The lower scale rooms had minibars, the Executive Suites had full sized fridges. And a small but workable kitchen. There is free wi-fi throughout the hotel, in-room amenities abound, and everything is first-class. On the downside, don’t expect a view (other than of someone’s wall) and recognize that for the number of rooms the hotel has it is not a large property, so some rooms – both public and guest – can be on the small side.

Gay-Friendly: Over-night guests are not allowed, but at least the property is honest about it and won’t accept a bribe in the way of a joiner fee to get past their policy. On the other hand, I booked the room for both Noom and I and though he checked-in after me, no one batted an eye and he received the same warm welcome that I had.

Extras: Though small for the size of the hotel, there is a beautiful pool on the rooftop with sunbeds and a heated jacuzzi (I began to worry Noom would never get out of it once I convinced him to give it a try!). The hotel also has a spa, and offers a non-happy ending massage service. The fitness center seemed state of the art, and while – again – small, Noom was a happy camper with the facility.

Getting In And Getting Out: This is not the first hotel I’ve booked both Noom and I into, but have checked in separately. At the others I’ve had to carefully explain so that he is treated properly when he shows up. That was unnecessary at Siam Heritage, as soon as I started to explain I got an immediate, “No problem, sir.” And it wasn’t. Friendly and efficient both coming and going I couldn’t have asked for more (well, okay, it wasn’t the kneeling girl holding a registration card on a tray above her head that you get at the Oriental, but at a third of the price I can make sacrifices). Checking out, rather than having to ask for a taxi, the girl volunteered to have one called, and the doorman settled the meter/no meter matter before I stepped outside.

Brownie Points: Did I mention the silk robes in the rooms? I can’t help but compare this place with the Tarntawan, having stayed in a similar level of room at both at almost the exact cost. And yet the Siam Heritage is a totally different experience. It claims to be a 4-star hotel and I’d agree. I hope they maintain the place well, their Thai-style decor can become dated and worn quickly and I’d hate for Patpong to lose this little oasis of elegance. Shame about their policy on prostitutes though . . .

<Le Meridien

Location. Location, Location: 3
The Shower Experience: 5
Bed Head: 5
A Clean, Well Lit Place: 5
Breaking Your Fast: 4
The Hired Help: 3
The People Next Door: 3
You Gets What Ya Pay For: 3
Gay-Friendly: 3
Extras: 3
Getting In And Getting Out: 3
Brownie Points: +2

OVER ALL SCORE: 42 out of 60 = 4

Why Starwood under its new global rebranding, Le Meridien, choice Patpong for the location of its flagship property in Asia is beyond me. The river would be a better spot, the Embassy area a more popular locale since that’s where many other 5-star properties are located. But in the middle of the city’s red light district? Really? Nonetheless, the hotel’s claim to being a perfect example of where art, design, fashion, and fine food culture coexist seamlessly is spot on. As long as you are willing to pay for it. But that’s okay – the whole purpose of having money is to be able to look down your nose at the little people.

The Shower Experience: Damn. Again, like at Siam Heritage, a tub with a hand-held shower head. But the difference here is the tub is over-sized. And deep. And so inviting it’s the first bath I’ve taken in twenty years. But wait! There’s More! The bathroom also has a walk-in shower with a rain-forest shower head, and a sliding partitioned wall between the bathroom and bedroom too boot. Noom was more taken with the phone in the bathroom than its plumbing and called me on my cell phone every time he used the facilities. “Hi! I In Toilet!” became his favorite gag on that trip.

Bed Head: It probably isn’t fair to compare the beds at Le Meridien to those at other hotels in Bangkok. They imported theirs. So they are as close to heaven as you can get with high thread-count linens, a fluffy duvet, and feather pillows. Pure bliss for those of us who like an extremely soft bed, a guaranteed back each for those used to a firm mattress. If you are among the latter, I’m trying to work up some empathy, but it ain’t my strong suit.

A Clean, Well Lit Place: Yes, yes, and yes. I upgraded slightly to the Vista Plus room for an additional $20 and got a corner room (far removed from the elevators) with floor to ceiling windows. So lots of natural light. And yes, you can have a view even in Patpong. The lighting in the rest of the room was well thought out so it was strong where you needed it (above the desk and at the vanity in the bathroom) and of an ambient nature elsewhere (by the bed). Details count and Le Meridien misses few.

Breaking Your Fast: Le Meridien offers a lavish buffet breakfast with a multitude of Asian and Western food stations, all perfectly prepared and fresh. But you need to shop around when booking your room. Some sites include the breakfast in your room cost (at a good discount) while others do not. And if you pay at the door it runs about $25. For free (you know what I mean) it’s one of the better ways to start your day in Bangkok. If you have to pay for it, well that bad free breakfast at The Rose starts looking pretty good.

The Hired Help: At the prices Le Meridien charges you expect the help to be friendly, efficient, and subservient. And they come close. But no cigar. I was a bit surprised that they had not managed to hit the same excellent mark as the staff at Siam Heritage, and came no where close to the level of service at the Oriental. They were all friendly enough, and tended to stay on point depending what their job duties were, but no one made the extra effort that should go without saying at a 5-star property. They just didn’t walk the walk.

The People Next Door: Hai! It shouldn’t come as a surprise that a good deal of the hotel’s clientele are Japanese. No problemo. With heads at chest level they are easy to over-look. Seriously though, most guests at Le Meridien are at least upper middle class and a bit mor refined than you’ll run across at The Rose. At the same time the hotel tries to be contemporary and hip, so it’s not like you are stuck dealing with staid members of the monied class. If short pants and a tank top (singlet for non-Americans) is your thing you may feel a bit out of place. But generally, you should fit in if you can spring for a few hundred a night for a room. And that really isn’t a very high mark to hit.

You Gets What Ya Pay For: The last expensive rooms (Vista) run around $200, the next level up are the circular rooms (they have round beds) at $300, and you can get a suite for just under $600. Pricey. But . . . A few hundred bucks for a room might be more than you would normally pay for your stay. The value in Bangkok hotels comes by way of comparison to what you’d pay for the same room back home. In this case you are staying in a $500 – $600 a night room at a third of the cost. Everything in the rooms is top notch, and every room amenity you can think of is there. Plus some.

Even at $200 – $300 a night Le Meridien is a good value. Except for two things: the aforementioned possibility of having to pay about $25 for breakfast, and the ridiculous charge of $15 daily for in-room internet access. Just because you can afford to stay in a higher priced hotel doesn’t mean you should be raped over what really should be inclusive costs. As a guest you get 30 minutes of free time in the steam room, after that you have to pay, which is also ridiculous. And as for the dubious Go Green offer of in-house credit or loyalty membership points for passing on fresh towels and linens daily . . . .since when do 5-star hotels offer ala cart services? Tacky. Really tacky. If they care that much about the Earth, they can go plant some trees.

Gay-Friendly: Joiner fees should be beneath a 5-Star establishment. And they are at Le Meridien. Over night guests aren’t so much welcomed as they are ignored. Having Noom with me, and watching how he is treated is always a good indication of an establishment’s openness to non-traditional couples and at no time did anyone treat him with anything other than the usual respect they paid to other guests.

Extras: Le Meridien has a state of the art fitness center, a steam room, pool, spa, and offers non-happy ending massage treatments. The pool is nice, but a bit small for a 282 room hotel. There are also several restaurants and/or bars if you don’t want to walk out to Suriwong.

Getting In And Getting Out: As quick and efficient as you’d expect at a 5-star property both coming and going. However, the hotel sets back off the street and if you want to catch a taxi, you do so at the door. The doormen were lackadaisical about ensuring meters were used, which should be a standard for the hotel – the property should make it clear that meters are the only acceptable method for anyone picking up a fare at their hotel. Throughout the stay, at best, it was maybe a 70% proposition. On checkout and heading to the airport I had to go through the hassle of dealing with the driver to get the meter turned on on my own. I can live with that at The Rose, I expect better from a 5-star hotel.

Brownie Points:
I love concierges, especially those who really know what they are doing and as familiar with Bangkok as I am I abused the concierge at Le Meridien shamefully. And he took it like a champ. So brownie points there. And for having in-room safes large enough to stow your laptop in too. There were a lot of little things that impressed me with this hotel, but then I remembered how much I was paying for a room, and was less impressed.

Check back tomorrow for reviews, or at least a mention, of the remaining handful of hotels in Bangkok’s Patpong district.

(Note: I did not take any of the hotel and room photos in this post, it’s not my style. I don’t take photos of meals I’ve ordered either. These shots were all loaned to me by Beachball from his private photo album.)

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Hotels are not unlike bar boys. In addition to some offering hourly rental, opinions on which are good, which are bad, which is the best, and which is the worst are all very subjective. For the newbie, that makes trying to come to an informed decision on where to stay difficult – not knowing what it is that others consider makes one hotel better than the next, it’s impossible to nail down whether or not you’ll be pleased until you actually try the place out for yourself. Some reviewers on reputable travel sites take the time to explain why they liked or disliked a hotel, which better provides a clearer picture of what to expect. Most rave or spew disgust, but without details. What sets them off or caused them to gush could be of such little importance to you that you could easily decide to stay or not stay at a hotel, and then miss out on a great little place or – and worse – book your stay in a place that is so bad it ruins your holiday. At least with a bar boy you can go check him out before deciding whether or not to off him. Though that is possible with a hotel, most people pre-book their stay. Few want to waste their holiday time looking for an acceptable place to lay their head at night.

When you are unfamiliar with the city you plan to visit, picking out a good location for your hotel is difficult too. Some rely on proximity to an area or attraction they plan to spend the bulk of their time at or around, others by what sounds to them like an ideal spot. That’s not a problem, for example, if you are visiting Agra and want a hotel with a view of the Taj Mahal. But if you are visiting Bangkok instead and decide a hotel next to or with a great view of the river is the way to go, you may find yourself on the outskirts of the city, far away from everything you want to see and anything you want to do. To a newbie travelling to Bangkok, the benefits of staying in Siam versus Silom or by Sukhumvit versus riverside makes little sense too; they haven’t a clue as to what those neighborhoods are or where they are located in respect to what has drawn them to visiting Bangkok in the first place.

Location, of course, isn’t the only consideration. But since it is often the first thing people hone in on, it is what I’ll use in this series of posts to delineate and sperate the hotels that generally attract or cater to the gay traveller into groups. While everything else may be comparable, I don’t think comparing a hotel in the middle of Patpong with one on Sukhumvit makes sense as the two offer a totally different experience based on location alone. So each part of this series of posts will cover a different area, the hotels you’ll find there, along with a brief description of that area’s pluses and minuses.

Shameless Mac – god bless him wherever he may be – used to have a rather involved rating system for massage boys that, if you could remember what all of the designations stood for, provided an excellent idea of what kind of guys each shop had to offer. I’ll be using a similar – though not quite as extensive – approach for hotels, based on a 5 point scoring system for each criteria that I consider important in selecting a hotel (with 5 being as close to heaven as you can get and 1 being for a place I wouldn’t stay at with your dick). Lastly, before we get to the points I’ll be judging hotels on, keep in mind these reviews are subjective too. You may well disagree with what I have to stay (which probably isn’t unusual if you’ve read this blog before). BUT, I will explain why I liked or disliked something about a hotel so that if you have a different opinion on whether or not that is a good thing, you can discount or completely ignore how I scored the place and decide instead that it sounds like the perfect place for your stay.

In the posts that are to come I will link back to this one so that you can refresh your memory on the criteria I’ve used to score each property, as well as my personal prejudices in determining them.

1. Location. Location, Location:
Several factors weigh in on what I consider to be a good location for a hotel in Bangkok. Being in Patpong is not one of them. Close proximity to the BTS is. As is a neighborhood that offers immediate entertainment as well as handy access to a convenience store. How easy it is to get into and out of the area counts, as does how close or how convenient the hotel is to the places you intend on frequenting. One of the benefits of staying in Bangkok is every amenity you could possibly want, with the right hotel, is just outside your door. Pick the wrong hotel and every time you walk outside you’re looking at a ten minute walk or more instead. The area’s ambiance counts too, though that is generally not high on my list for a hotel in Bangkok – if it is conveniently located it is not gonna be tucked away in some serene and secluded garden-like spot.

2. The Shower Experience:
A morning shower is as important to my well-being as a ready supply of caffeine is. That means good water pressure, water temperature that doesn’t fluctuate, a shower head that at its tallest setting doesn’t hit my stomach, and a lack of mold growing in the cubicle. Not having to climb into the stall, deal with a damn shower curtain that once wet wants to plaster itself to my body, and enough room to play – or at least turn around in – all matters too.

3. Bed Head:
Whether for sleeping or play, the bed in your hotel room can make or break your stay. And it can have the same impact on your back. “The best bed I’ve ever slept in” is a nice recommendation except it fails to say why. What you consider a plus in beds may not be in my book. Some prefer sheets, a blanket, and a bedspread, others consider a duvet to be the best way to go. Some like a rock-hard bed, others a billowy ball of fluff to sink into. I’m of the latter persuasion. I like a bed that is womb-like. So while that’s the standard I’ll be using, I will detail just how closely the bed comes to my ideal and then if you are one of those who thinks the floor looks comfortable, you can completely discount my score.

4. A Clean, Well Lit Place:
I tend to think of these two together, probably because a dark room tends to just feel not as clean as one that is well lit either by natural or electrical light. Your bar boy du jour may appreciate a dimly lit room, I don’t. At the same time I’m not a fan of lighting that shines in my eyes like I’m in the middle of an interrogation session. Or fluorescent lighting that turns the luscious skin of the guy I rented for the night a sickly hue of green.

5. Breaking Your Fast:
I’m not a breakfast person. Coffee is usually all my system requires. Unless there are donuts or cold spaghetti available. Or cold pizza. Except when I’m in Thailand. Then, a free breakfast is a necessity to me, even though free means the price has been added to the cost of the room. Yup, a lavish buffet is nice, but I’ll accept less depending on how much I paid for the room. Within reason. It really is a matter of value. The more I pay for a room, the more I expect a better selection at breakfast. So a cheap room with a decent breakfast can still score a 5.

6. The Hired Help:
As tempted as I am to rate a hotel on its staff by how cute employes are, what really matters is how well they respond to your needs. For some that’s how friendly they are. Forget to greet a guest when passing in the hallway and some travellers get so upset they’ll never stay at that place again. As bad as it sounds, I think of a hotel’s staff as servants. While a smile is nice, their main job is serving my needs and if they can do that without me ever noticing their presence, that’s cool.

7. The People Next Door:
It may seem wrong to judge a hotel on the other folk staying there, but it is usually the hotel itself that encourages the type of clientele who frequents it. For example, almost all hotels in Thailand are gay-friendly, but some go out of their way to attract a gay crowd. That can be good. Or bad. Places heavily populated by the tour bus crowd went after that business, and – now to be a racist too – those that attract a clientele from third world countries advertised for that business. The people who are sharing the hotel with you can greatly affect how enjoyable your stay is. So where it matters, I’ll be including a note about what to expect out of the folk you’ll be running into in the lobby and hallways.

8. You Gets What Ya Paid For:
I chose to use value instead of cost when it comes to my wallet because what I get for what I pay matters more to me than the cost itself does. When I pay less for a room I’m willing to be less demanding and to accept a lower standard. Conversely when I pay big bucks I’m less willing to forgive the small things. You get what you pay for is a well known adage. And I want what I paid for. When I pay around $50 for a room, I don’t expect to find a chocolate left on my pillow during the turn-down service. When I pay $200 for a room, that damn chocolate had better be Godiva.

9. Gay-Friendly:
I always get a chuckle out of posters on the gay Thailand forums that rage against some hotel because it is not gay friendly when what they really mean is that it is not prostitute friendly. So I’m using that heading as a salute to bitchy queens who think every hotel should welcome trade with open arms. Not that I don’t agree with them to some extent. But I think a hotel’s standard should be either yea or nay. Those that charge a joiner fee are trying to have it both ways. Though for most it’s really about making an extra buck off of customers. Being charged 400-500 baht for the pleasure of being pleasured in your room sucks. When your hotel wants 1,500 baht or more . . . screw ‘em.

10. Extras:
I don’t tend to treat a hotel as my home away from home, but rather as a place to make pit stops. So numerous restaurants, a bar or two, a gym, sauna, pool, lending library, etc., while all nice don’t really matter to me. But I know I’m the exception to the rule. Besides, Noom loves having a gym to work out in and a pool to show off his body at. So even though I may not use them, I will score each hotel reviewed on the amenities it offers.

11. Getting In And Getting Out:
The check in and check out experience is different from The Hired Help section because it is the one area, even though this is Thailand, where I expect efficiency. Often when I’m checking in I’ve just been travelling for a full day and what stands between me and a bed had better be smiling and quick about what needs to be done. And when I leave I don’t want to have to schedule in an extra half hour to deal with front desk issues. How I am treated at the beginning of my stay is going to impact my feelings about my entire stay. And how I am treated on departure is what is going to stick in my mind all the long, long way home. In this I am not unique. You’d think the hospitality business would have figured that out by now.

12. Brownie Points:
You’d think the other eleven areas I’ll be scoring hotels on would be enough, but some places deserve extra points for going out of their way to make your stay everything it could possible be. And some deserve the exact opposite. If I use this area for a hotel I’ll explain why. Since the individual scores will add up to the hotel’s over all score, I’ll get to fudge that outcome, when appropriate, using brownie points.

I hope that as I review various hotels, you’ll chime in with your views too. They may be of more value to others than mine. And if I missed a place, please let me know about that too (though do pay attention to the areas as I have defined it, huh?)

Originally I had intended on including the first area of town I’ll be covering in today’s post, but this puppy is already too long. No problemo. I’ll get into the meat of the matter in tomorrow’s post. Though if you just checked into a new hotel, that may be too late to do you any good!

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