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…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

~ Ramblings, Rumblings and Travel Tales: Bangkok and Beyond

…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

Tag Archives: Offs

10 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bangkok Gay Go Go Bar

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

The gay kinda news website Queerty recently ran an article titled 13 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bar From A Castro Bartender. I almost skipped reading it because picking up someone in the Castro really doesn’t require stepping into a bar. When the street is full of gay guys on the prowl, you get hit on even while trying to scrape off the dog shit you just stepped in from your shoe. And when the odor of Eau De Fido isn’t enough to not get you laid, whatever fails some pretentious bar back wants to warn you about really don’t matter. On the other hand, not having to come up with original content is always a plus in my book, so I thought I’d re-purpose those tips with an eye towards modifying them for use in picking up a bar boy in Thailand. Or offing one as some jaded souls call it.

I thought that task may take some heavy editing. Surprisingly it did not. The world is a small place. And the line between getting laid for free and paying for it is a thin one. When it’s your orgasm at stake, convincing some hottie that your bed is the perfect place for him to throw his heels in the air takes about the same amount of effort regardless if he’ll be earning some taxi money or not. And thankfully, guys being guys, it seldom takes much effort in either case.

Nonetheless, many poor souls in the Castro return to an empty bed nightly, and many punters in Bangkok return to their bed with a bar boy they’d rather they hadn’t. Which guy you off is up to you, but having it be the one you really wanted is up to your skills at landing the perfect bar boy. So here are a few tips:

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you'll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you’ll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

1. The Meat and Greet.
Queerty’s bartender’s first bit of sage advice was to stop using your trusty pickup lines, noting that most fail as conversation starters and instead linger like bad gas. No problemo in picking up a bar boy ‘cuz he probably already thinks you smell a bit off. Pick-up lines, as such, are not necessary in landing the perfect bar boy. Slapping down your wallet bulging with cash on the table top, however, works wonders.

The boys have a traditional pick-up line of their own, however. Their what your name where you stay how long you stay Bangkok greeting gets the job done every time. Using it before they do, if you really feel the need to use a pick-up line, is a great ploy. Those who speak some English will laugh. Those who merely learned that phrase and really have no idea what it means will get a look of pure panic in their eyes. And there’s a good chance which ever of the two responses your potential off displays, it’ll be the same when he accompanies you to your hotel room and you drop your pants.

2. Let Your Demons Rest.
The second bit of advice from Queerty’s bartender is a warning against a liquid diet. By the time you drink enough to get up the nerve to hit on some hottie, you’ll be too drunk to be a success. ‘Cuz no one like a man who looks like he’s ready to hurl in the gutter. As well intended as that advice is, I think he got it wrong. If you are a 10, no matter how drunk you are there are still plenty of guys who will be willing to take you home with them. The warning should be that when you wake up in their bed the next morning you’ll have one mother of a hangover. And you’ll discover you just slept with a 3.

Ditto for the bar boy you pick up when you are too inebriated to remember you hate effeminate twinks. ‘Cuz that’s who you’ll wake up next to the next morning. And it’ll be the one who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps. Plus, when you go to tip him so he’ll leave you’ll discover your wallet is almost empty ‘cuz you ended up buying the bar’s mamasan a bottle. And a new cell phone.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

3. Sex By Proxy Is Never Enjoyable.
Queerty’s bartender says that if you want to hit on a guy, don’t send one of your buddies over to break the ice first. What he doesn’t say is what we all know: that bitch will end up taking your intended conquest home with himself if you do. ‘Cuz a gay wingman is always gonna pretend your plane already got shot out of the air if the guy is hot enough.

Playing Go Ask Him If He Likes Me is an even bigger mistake in a Bangkok gogo bar. First, because if he is hot enough just like in a Castro bar your wingman will off the boy first. Second, if he doesn’t the boy will assume he’s gonna be expected to do you both. And third, since most punters fly solo at gogo bars, your wingman for the night will be the bar’s mamasan and the only available boy will be the one who shares his tips with her. Which will be the twink who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps.

4. Reach Out And Touch Someone.
Our bartender in the know says one of the deadly sins in trying to pick up a trick in a gay bar is to have your eyes glued to your cell phone. Which just shows you how out of touch the dude is. ‘Cuz any gay guy worth is salt has his eyes permanently glued to his cell phone these days ‘cuz otherwise he might miss that hottie Grindr says is just down the block.

Bangkok’s bar boys are addicted to their phones these days too. Even if in their case it’s more about watching straight porn so they can get up for their job’s demands. And they won’t be the least bit put-off if you’re paying attention to your phone rather than to them. In fact, they prefer it. The danger here is not that you’ll fail to connect, but that every boy you show the least bit of interest in will immediately ask for your phone number. Then, whenever they need a few extra hundred baht, they’ll call you to remind you how much they love you.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he'll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he'll use it for a lifetime.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he’ll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he’ll use it for a lifetime.

5. Leave Your Baggage On The Plane.
No one in a bar in the Castro wants to hear about your problems, your failures, your worries, or your entire failed dating history. And bringing up your ex just means the guy you are trying to hit on will never become one. Bar boys don’t want to hear that shit either. No one does. Not even your mother. And the bar boy you want to off certainly doesn’t want to hear about the disastrous off you paid for the night before. Not because that’s gossip. Bar boys love gossip. He doesn’t want to hear your tale of woe ‘cuz he – and every other bar boy on the soi – already heard about it. And you don’t want to remind him of why your performance was so memorable.

6. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re A Cheapskate.
Obviously, our Castro bartended has never been to Pattaya. ‘Cuz his #6 tip is about how hot tipping is. Specifically: “People that visibly tip get more play. It shows they are generous and care enough to pay for service.” Word. You probably think a night with a bar boy is all about sex. To him it’s all about money. So tip generously and tip often. That shows you’re jai dee. And bar boys love customers who have a big heart. ‘Cuz they are the ones good for a few thousand baht later when emailed with the tragic news of the boy’s water buffalo having just died.

7. Gay For Pay Is An Honored Profession In Thailand.
The #7 bartender’s tip is to not ask potential tricks if he is single, and why. Ditto with bar boys in Bangkok. ‘Cuz most have a wife as well as several kids back home. And that’s TMI when your fantasy is about him falling madly in love with you. A similar mistake is asking him if he is gay. He is probably not. But will tell you he is ‘cuz he knows that’s what you want to hear. The problem is that bar boys tend to think gay means bottom. And when your dream was to be ridden hard and put away wet, finding out later you just offed the biggest bottom in Bangkok is never a happy ending.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

8. Love The One You’re With.
Queerty’s bartender thinks you should pay attention to the guy you are trying to take home with you and not instead chat with your friends, the bartender, every hot guy who walk past you, and the homeless man you brought into the bar because you though it’d be funny. Bar boys too appreciate it when their customer only has eyes for them. And starting your off off with a pouting bar boy is never fun. That joy should be saved for when he becomes your boyfriend several days later.

9. But Do It Safely.
Not using how much you despise wearing a condom as a pick up line is another suggestion our friendly bartender has for those trying to get laid. ‘Cuz it’s about getting laid, not getting laid to rest. Bangkok bar boys are not appreciative of customers who refuse to wear protection either. In their minds it’s not about whether or not the farang is diseased, but . . . well, in their minds there is no question, they know he is. But they also know the benefit of insisting a customer slips on a rubber is that many will be too drunk to accomplish that tricky feat. And that means a full night’s tip for zero effort. Which is what a bar boy thinks safe sex means in the first place.

10. Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.
The last bit of advice our knowledgeable bartender has worth discussing (there are three other bits of wisdom, but like most queens he tends to repeat himself) is to not use your hook-up as your official coming out party. Because unlike Islamic jihadists, gay men do not think seventy-some virgins constitute paradise. To a gay man, hearing, “This is my first time,” is almost as bad as hearing, “I don’t swallow.”

It's not that a bar boy won't tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he'll do so in Thai. And that's like a tree falling in a forest.

It’s not that a bar boy won’t tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he’ll do so in Thai. And that’s like a tree falling in a forest.

Bangkok bar boys, however, love virgins. Especially virgins to Bangkok. That not only means you don’t know that 5,000 baht is not a normal short-time tip, but that you’ll come quickly so they can go even more quickly. With the 1,000 baht taxi money that customers traditionally give their bar boy.

Costs aside, however, a gogo bar in Bangkok is the perfect place to lose your gay virginity. Bar boys will not hold your lack of experience against you. ‘Cuz they really aren’t all that interested in your orgasm in the first place. And bar boys are discrete too. They won’t tell all of your friends about the disgusting things you wanted to do with them. They will tell all the other boys on the soi, but then they were all laughing at you already. So no foul. And getting your gay on in Bangkok means no one back home will ever know. ‘Cuz what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok. Which helps explains why there are so many ladyboy bars in the breeder sex tourist nirvana of Nana Plaza.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don’ts For The Newbie: The Hotel Room Edition

Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don’ts For The Newbie: The Hotel Room Edition

A First Timers Visit To Gay Pattaya:   Part 2a -  Dongtan Beach And The Crack Of Don

A First Timers Visit To Gay Pattaya: Part 2a – Dongtan Beach And The Crack Of Don

A Walk On The Wild Side at Bangkok's Tawan Bar

A Walk On The Wild Side at Bangkok’s Tawan Bar

Bonus Shot: Not Nut’s Nuts

05 Thursday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Travel Photography

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Offs

bonus nuts

As inseparable as my camera and I are when traveling I seldom – like never – take photos of bar boys I’ve offed. Noom doesn’t count. He’s not just a paid for conquest. As for the rest, not all appreciate having their photo taken, especially since most customers want that shot showing everything they paid for. And even if they were all agreeable, where do you stop? Just the real hot – and talented – ones? Just those you still can’t believe actually allowed you to spend hours molesting them? If travel photography is supposed to be about memories of your trip, I guess it makes sense to return home with a few hundred photos of all the guys you did on holiday if you spent your nights and days rutting your way through Bangkok. But some of those guys were probably duds. And who wants a memory of that?

One night at Dick’s Cafe I ended up sharing a table with a fellow traveler. It was the easiest way out over what otherwise could have been an argument over who got the next empty table. We hit it off and spent a few hours after dinner enjoying the gogo bars on Soi Twilight. At some point, we started trading bad bar boy tales, stories of those who’d been duds. He’d had one just the night before. The guys was hot, but way too aggressive in my new friend’s opinion. But the night wasn’t a total loss. He’d taken tons of photos of the boy, like almost of every square inch of the dude’s body. They’d already been downloaded to his computer, so I didn’t get to see any of them. But when he began describing the guy’s muscles our mutual admiration of built boys came to light and we headed to Tawan.

Nut, a bar boy I’ve written about before, one of those who eventually became a friend instead of just a sex object, was working that night and as soon as he saw me came running over for a big hug. My companion gave me a strange look. And then managed to find a free moment to say, “That’s the guy!”

Huh. Nut was a sweetheart. Aggressive was not an adjective I’d ever think to use about him. And his acknowledging nod to his customer of the night before said he hadn’t been any more thrilled with his customer than his customer had been with him. Nut too gave me a strange look. Probably needless to say, we split up soon thereafter. Like the companionship of another tourist ever stood a chance against Nut’s naked hotness

As soon as he left Nut asked if he was my friend. I explained we’d just met, had dinner, and that I really didn’t know him. But since Nut did, intimately, he immediately began recounting his view of the previous night. Most of which was pantomiming holding a camera to his face and going, “Click. Click. Click.” Again and again and again.

When we got back to my hotel room, I pulled my camera out as a joke. Nut got it. But also liked the idea of me taking a few shots of him. After he got naked. He didn’t want me taking any photos with both his face and cock in the shot. And didn’t want any of his cock taken until it was hard either. Nut was a grower, not a shower. He’d complained to me in the past about customers who wanted a peak and then wouldn’t off him if he’d been soft. Despite him telling them, as he’d put it, “It get big!”

He wasn’t lying. And big was an understatement. Watching that thing grow out to its full proportions was more amazing than any magic trick David Copperfield ever pulled.

Like with Noom, I have a lot of photos of Nut because we tended to do things outside of the bedroom too. Thanks to that tourist I met who thought he was a dud, I’ve got several of Nut in all his glory too. Just without a face attached. Those of just his cock are buried away somewhere on one of my storage drives. That never happened with this shot. And it does bring back memories of that trip. ‘Cuz it’s one of my favorite Kodak moments from Bangkok. And while I’m sure I didn’t take as many shots as that guy had the night before, I’m even more sure those photos I did take bring back a lot more pleasant memories than his.

Off With His . . .

23 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

off with 1

In the world of Thailand’s gay gogo bars, offing a bar boy means that you are taking him away from the bar. What the two for you then do together is not of the bar’s concern, as obvious as what you will be doing may be. That’s how gogo bars avoid the issue of prostitution. It’s really no different than how escort agencies get away with the same trick back in the U.S. It’s about companionship between two adults, not sex. Wink, wink. Since there have been quite a few questions about the process and fees involved recently, and since that tradition still impacts the process today, I thought a brief explanation of the historical basis of offing a bar boy might be in order. But I’m going with a not-so-brief one instead.

Before there where gogo bars in Bangkok for gay clientele, there were gogo bars for the hetro set. Fish for sale has been a staple for visitors to the Kingdom for decades. The modern version got its start during the Vietnam War when Thailand was a popular spot for military service personnel on R & R. In those days, like today, the bars made money off of selling overpriced drinks and for surrounding customers with hot naked flesh. And made even more cash from supplying willing companions to those who wanted a fuller experience.

Working for a Thai employer is a bitch. They don’t pay well. And employees are completely at their mercy. Being the cheap ass most of them are, anytime they can get away with not paying a satang to an employee is a good day in their book. So the bars quickly developed a set of rules that kept employees in line and helped keep their bottom line in the black. The rules, which did and still do change from one bar to the next, are all backed up with monetary fines. Show up late, you get fined. Don’t show up at all, that’s another fine. Some of the straight bars today have even begun fining their stable when a girl gets a short-time off and then does not return to the bar when she’s done. Even outside of the bar world fining employees is a popular pastime among Thai employers. And because it is part of how business is done in Thailand, employees go along with the system that deducts wages from their check as often as possible.

off with 2

It’s always best for a gogo bar to have a large stable of employees on hand whenever a customer walks through the door. Sometimes I wish they cared more about quality over quantity, but there ya go. But when a gogo bar worker lands a customer, that means one less employee to entertain the clientele. So the bars decided that employee should be fined. What we typically call an off fee in the bars that gay men frequent is called a bar-fine in the gogo bars that cater to the straight crowd. They are the same thing. Whatever the amount set by the bar for this fine is, it is owed to the bar by the employee.

Of course gogo bar employees are poor, and customers are rich whether that’s true back in his home country or not. Traditionally, customers have been expected to pay the bar fine on the employee’s behalf. And that’s cool with the bar. They don’t care whose pocket the money comes from. They are still gonna make a profit out of it. Plus most bars pay a very small wage to each employee for showing up to work – but if that employee lands a customer, they don’t get their normal night’s wage. Because it is assumed they will earn even more from the tip they get off their customer. That’s another fine that isn’t even considered a fine. This tradition is slowly changing but is still practiced at many bars. I only mention it here to demonstrate how much bar owners love their cash. In case you never noticed.

So the off fee, or bar fine, is owed for a bar boy who spends time away from his place of work during regular working hours. If he leaves the bar three times in a night, going for short-time offs with three different customers, he owes the bar three bar fines. All of which will be paid by the customers who decided to off him. Which is both about tradition and deep pockets. If a customer decides to off him for more than one night, the bar boy is fined for each night he is away from work. And unless you are a total asshole, as the customer you will pay that fine on his behalf. Not that you have much choice these days ‘cuz that fine is usually added to your check bin.

off with 3

The only time I have ever argued over the amount of a bar fine I was asked to pay was a night after having offed a guy the night before and after having paid for that night’s off fee. The next night we went back to his bar around 9pm so I could pay an additional bar fine because I decided to keep him with me for another night. The bar wanted their usual off fee, plus another 100 baht, which was what their fine was for employees who showed up late for work (he was supposed to be there by 8pm). Both the boy and the bar thought that made perfect sense. And in the world of Bangkok’s gogo bars, it did.

My wallet disagreed. And actually won that one. Which still amazes me today. I paid the bar fine, but not the fine for being tardy. I claimed that he wasn’t late for work that night but rather was early for the next night. Meeting bullshit with bullshit of your own works well when face is involved. Plastering a stupid smile on your face and insistently repeating your same dubious claim of truth over and over again no matter what the other person says is the proper way to debate any issue in Thailand. The loser is he who blinks first.

So if you are confused about when and how much you owe on off fees, thinking of them as bar fines levied against the employee for not being at work should clarify the matter. For every night your boy is not at work – or is late getting there thanks to you, I guess – a bar fine is charged. Which you are supposed to pay. Thinking of them in this manner may also help explain why you should not expect a discount on the bar fines when you off a guy for an extended period of time. It’s like the fine you pay for speeding back home. You don’t get a discount for getting multiple speeding tickets. Fines are seldom treated like frequent flyer miles.

Top Ten Tips: How To Not Off A Bar Boy

14 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Gay Bangkok, Gay GoGo Bars, Offs, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Ignoring the signs staring you in the face means the kiss of death for your night in heaven.

Ignoring the signs staring you in the face means the kiss of death for your night in heaven.

I generally like to provide the counterpoint to all of the bad bar boys stories out there. I also like to think the general consensus that they all are liars, cheats, drug-addicts, and lazy is Pattaya-centric, ‘cuz in my dealings with Bangkok bar boys that simply is not true. Generally, I believe that what you put out there, and how you treat others, is what you’ll receive in return. Which makes all of those lying, cheating, drug addicted, lazy Pattaya bar boys make sense. But even the best of us has occasionally run across a bar boy who is just not up to the task. I have too. And later, after the fact, when I’m wondering just how pathetic it is that I’m about to masturbate alone in Thailand just to have the orgasm I already paid for, invariably I know it’s my own damn fault. I let my gonads do the thinking. Again. Even though I knew better, I offed a bar boy who experience should have taught me was gonna never live up to my expectations.

That doesn’t mean that you can have a perfect track record by being cautious about who you pick to fulfill your fantasies. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things just don’t go as planned. But even then, looking back, I know I coulda done better. I was too rushed, or too lazy, or too horny, or too something when I shouldn’t have been. For example, there was a bar boy at Hot Male I offed who did not exhibit any of the warning signs of a guaranteed dud. Okay, so his limited English was even more limited that normal. But he had the body of a Greek god. So I offed him, got back to my room, and discovered that along with that Greek god’s body he had the dick of a carnival freak. Yup, fang muk are difficult to spot in advance. And difficult to swallow back in your room.

Nonetheless, there are some common signs that the bar boy of your dreams will turn out to be a nightmare instead. And just like with how much you tip, it’s up to you. You can ignore what should have been evident, and then start bitching and moaning about the dud you paid for. Or you can wise-up and pay heed to these words of wisdom of when it is ion your best interest to not off a bar boy:

Guys with something to show will always find a way to show it.

Guys with something to show will always find a way to show it.

1. When What He’s Packing In His Underwear Ain’t His Package.
Sex sells. An iPhone stuffed into the front of your briefs does not. The general consensus is that bar boys keep their valuable stuffed in their tighty whities while on stage out of fear that whatever they hold dear to them may get ripped off if left in the dressing room. Bullshit. That’s a farang construct based on how farang act. There are only two reasons a bar boy stuffs his frontage with a foreign object. And neither is about being robbed, they are both about robbing you of your night’s enjoyment.

First, it’s his cellphone and he just can’t live without being available when his friends and family reach out to touch someone. That doesn’t bode well for you. That probably means he’ll be texting during your orgasm too. Second, he needs something down there to form a bulge and since Buddha saw no good reason to bless him otherwise, he relies on whatever he had in his pants pocket to do the work for him. That too doesn’t bode well for you even if you are not a size queen.

2. When He’s On The Prowl For Fresh Meat.
While you can’t blame a guy for trying, that doesn’t mean you have to be his bitch either. Always be wary of bar boys who approach you. You may think you are god’s gift to bar boys, but you ain’t. He’s not attracted to you, he’s attracted to your wallet. Any bar boy who approaches you has his eye on the prize and that ain’t your satisfaction. Treat him as you would a used car salesman who comes hustling across the lot saying he’s got a deal for you. ‘Cuz in either case you’re gonna end up with a lemon.

This has been one of my golden rules of offing a bar boy that has served me well over the years. Except for Noom. He approached me the first night we met and I thought perhaps I’d blown my chance many times in the past by refusing to off those who sought me out. At least until he corrected me. He says he got tired of me eyeballing his every move that night, that after watching me turn away bar boy after bar boy he finally decided I was just waiting for his appearance by my side. So I’ll add that caveat to this rule. Eye contact and a smile is an invitation. So now you shy guys have a fall back.

Whether it is straight porn or his favorite Thai sit-com, his television viewing habits should not be part of your orgasm.

Whether it is straight porn or his favorite Thai sit-com, his television viewing habits should not be part of your orgasm.

3. When He Thinks The English For Sawatdee Is Buy Me A Drink.
When the first words out of a bar boy’s mouth that you can understand is a request for you to spend money on him, your future has just been told. I like guys who hustle, I’m not a fan of those who try to hustle me. There should be a small window of time to get to know each other, or at least to allow you the opportunity of checking him out up close and personal, before you are obligated to help him and his bar make a profit off of your visit. And bar boy work ain’t that thirsty of a job.

4. When He’s Addicted To Straight Porn.
I only mention this one because it seems to be a common occurrence among fans of Pattaya. Bar boys with their eyes glued to their cellphones watching straight porn is only a phenomenon I’ve witnessed in Sin City. What floors me is how many punters seem to think this is normal. Even later back in their hotel room. If he needs to look at pussy to get hard, he’s in the wrong line of work. And you’ve got the wrong equipment. Besides, do you really want to catch a glimpse of vagina when your intentions were a night in heaven?

5. When The Mamasan Told You So.
Whether you still call them a mamasan, or a captain as is more likely the case in Bangkok, the bar employee who oversees your visit never has your best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean they are all out to fleece you. Some can even be helpful. But money, not your orgasm, is always job #1.

Like with a bar boy whose first words are about his thirst, any mamasan who asks for a drink as a greeting should not be trusted. Ditto when the first words out of her mouth are, “What boy you want?” Even if she doesn’t commit those unpardonable sins, be dubious about any bar boy she picks for you. That selection often depends on which bar boy tips her for your business. And the meat for sale is supposed to be on the stage, not sitting in your chair.

Blockbuster movies come with a trailer, there's no reason your off shouldn't include a sneak preview too.

Blockbuster movies come with a trailer, there’s no reason your off shouldn’t include a sneak preview too.

6. When His Yes Means No.
Unless you are extremely narrow in the range of what you enjoy doing in bed, you are usually better off going with the flow with any bar boy you encounter. And if it was important to you – whatever ‘it’ was – you shoulda made damn sure he would satisfy that need before you offed him. Having said that, there is also the Thai aversion to uttering “No” that needs to be considered. “I do everyting” is Thai for no. So even though you asked if he bottoms, he won’t when you make that attempt ‘cuz ‘everyting’ didn’t include anal.

Personally, I consider kissing an integral part of sex. And I get that some bar boys just ain’t into swapping spit with customers. No problemo. And no bidness from me either. So I always ask. And watch for the non-verbal clues that tell me his yes means no. If there is any question, I follow up with asking him if he is a good kisser. That almost always gets a shy laugh. But the guys who do will immediately prove it. Those who won’t stop at the laugh.

If topping is important to you, there’s not much you can do in the bar to ensure he bottoms other than inviting him to sit on your lap. Which I don’t advise. But a few follow-up questions can help you gauge his reaction for honesty. Be explicit. Asking, “I fuck you?” leaves little room for misunderstanding. And his face will tell you more than his words will. If you are a size queen, a sneak peak or at least a quick feel is not out of the question. That doesn’t mean you have a license to grope, or that you should start checking out the size of every guy in the bar. But no bar boy will refuse if it means sealing the deal. Unless he knows he’s lacking in the first place.

Watch for non-verbal clues, 'cuz when a problem exists there's usually a clue.

Watch for non-verbal clues, ‘cuz when a problem exists there’s usually a clue.

7. When He Comes With A Sticker Price.
I think from now on when I hear from a reader who experienced a night with a dud, who starts off his tale with “He told me he cost 2,000 baht” I’m just gonna mark those comments as spam and ignore them. Because every dud story I hear involves a bar boy who stated his fee up front. That’s not how it works. How much you tip is up to you. When you’ve agreed to a price before you leave the bar, there is no incentive for him to attempt to please you. And nine times out of ten, he won’t.

8. When He’s Just Not Into You.
When a bar boy’s attention is everywhere but on you, it’s never a good sign. No matter how much you are lusting after him, he’s just not into you. And can’t even summons up enough effort to act as though he is. Why would you think it’ll be any different once you get him alone, back in your hotel room? Even when it is just the two of you, he’ll still find the cheap painting on the wall more fascinating than he does you. Granted, you will seldom find a bar boy who with one look decides you rock his entire world. But at least he can fake it.

There was a bar boy at Dream Boy a few years ago that I asked to come sit with me. His face was okay, but he had these massive thighs that I immediately began imagining wrapped around my face. It was lust at first sight. At least for one of us. Dream Boys is a popular bar and can get quite crowded at times, meaning the bar just keeps packing punters in regardless of whether there is room left for them or not. So it was that night. Mr. Thighs To Dream For came off the stage in his underwear at my signal, and plopped his gorgeous flesh down next to mine. And then proceeded to stare at his friends on stage. The mamasan squeezed a fresh piece of meat into our row of seats and my leg brushed up against his. He immediately shifted so we were no longer touching. Huh. Who knew I was that toxic? But maybe he was just giving me room. So I moved my leg against his again, this time on purpose. He managed to find some existing space that didn’t exist to move away again.

Sa-moke and smoke are two different things. If it matters to you, learn the difference.

Sa-moke and smoke are two different things. If it matters to you, learn the difference.

Fortunately for me I can take a hint. I handed him 20 baht and gestured for him to head back to the stage. The incredulous look on his face was priceless. But, really? He expected me to off him when he couldn’t stand my leg touching his flesh? He was almost immediately replaced by a bar boy who’d been sitting with another customer, one who I was pissed at myself for letting get away, one with whom I’d traded several significant glances with over his potential customer’s shoulder. He scooted in next to me, gave my leg a squeeze, planted a quick kiss on my cheek, and the with a sad look on his face said, “I wit customer.”

Yup, he was. And that customer had his eyes on us. The boy suggested I wait for an hour and he’d be back. Unbeknownst to his customer, he’d already planned for a short, short-time off. I can only hope that was his customer’s plan too. Because the fool still offed that boy. He woulda done just as well with offing Mr. Thighs To Dream For. Which reminds me . . .

9. When He’s Already Booked.
Call it punter’s ethics, but you really shouldn’t steal a bar boy away from another customer no matter how badly you want to do him. Unless you are into sharing and that other customer is hot too. You can call it karma, I prefer to think of it as sloppy seconds, which is an orgasm I prefer to not think of at all. There’s always mañana. And if it is your last night in town, there’s always another bar boy of your dreams just a door or two away. It may be that the two of you really were meant to be together, but more likely that he’s available to the highest bidder. And it’s a long walk back to your hotel, with opportunities abounding every step of the way.

Closely related are those who just got back to the bar from a booking. Popular bar boys can get offed several times a night. Good for them. Not so good for you. I call that the law of diminished returns. It’s a sexual Ponzi scheme where as the last up to the plate you get left standing with just your bat in your hands. The guy who goes last never finishes in first place. Make a note, show up early the next night, and get him while he’s still fresh instead.

Drinks and off fees are not cheap, wasting more money on a bad off is never the way to go.

Drinks and off fees are not cheap, wasting more money on a bad off is never the way to go.

10. When His Square Peg Doesn’t Fit Into Your Round Hole.

Quit acting like you have a vagina. He will always be himself, and nothing you can do will change that. Especially for 2,000 baht. The perfect bar boy for you is never the sum of his faults. And there are lots of bar boys to choose from. If you are not into tattoos, don’t off a guy who sports ink. If you hate people that smoke, take a whiff before you off him. Don’t just be a cunt and tell him he can’t smoke later ‘cuz his nicotine addiction means more than your orgasm does and he’ll quickly dispense with the latter so he can enjoy the former. Ditto for yaba, poppers, or any other addiction he may have.

If you are a dedicated bottom and he is too it ain’t gonna work. If you like masculine men and he slips on a blouse to accompany you back to your hotel, your better off apologizing, slipping him his tip, and heading into another bar for the man you wanted. If you had your heart set on waking up with him next to you in the morning and he says he only does short-time, go back to the drawing board. If you want to ravish his body and he says looking only, find a more suitable partner. If you need to top, and he tells you he is a man, there are lots of bottoms in the sea. Go check out Classic Boys.

Fantasize all you want. Pretend he’s your boyfriend, or that he loves, you, or that he thinks you are hansum. But be real in your expectations. And know what those expectations are. In real life you may settle for less than ideal, when you are a paying customer there is no good reason to. Go ahead, be picky. Find every fault that you can. ‘Cuz there is a bar boy perfect for you. But you’ll never find him when you agreed to off a guy you won’t be happy with instead.

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Getting Off By Being Offed

07 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

Yes, money can buy a happy penis, but a little tender loving care can buy an ecstatic one.

Yes, money can buy a happy penis, but a little tender loving care can buy an ecstatic one.

The last thing I think about when offing a bar boy in Bangkok is just what it is that resulted in him spending his nights sexually servicing complete strangers, often men he would not otherwise want to have anything to do with. Actually, that’s not the last thing I think of. I don’t consider it at all. Even dwelling on the question would put a dampener on the evening’s fun. If I did, I’d feel guilty about those circumstances and double or triple his tip. Or, if you are not a fan of the plight of the poor theory of working as a bar boy and prefer the thought that they do it because they are too lazy to get a real job, I’d be too busy planning on everything I was gonna make him do to make damn sure I got my money’s worth. Either way, contemplating motivation never mixes well with sex. That’s why the gods put your brain in the head that they did.

Having become friends with several bar boys over the years, I have had the opportunity of learning more about their lives and why they decided to make prostitution their career. Perhaps it’s not surprising that it’s always about the money. Those who I have become friends with turned to bar boy work because their options for employment were otherwise severely limited. Yes, some of them could have landed jobs as a clerk at a 7/11 – although I say ‘some’ because even entry-level jobs like convenience store or fast food counter help often entail education or skill requirements beyond their abilities or experience – but faced with the choice of the minimal take home pay from an eight to ten hour six days a week job compared to the chance of hitting it off with a rich farang because you were willing to get naked with him, I think I’d go with a life of blowing for dollars too.

None of the guys I’ve built a friendship with over the years are of the mercenary bar boy variety, the guys who are strictly in it for scamming every satang out of customers that they can. That’s not to say they don’t exists, just that there’s not much room for friendship in a relationship where your goal is depleting the other man’s bank account. And it’s not that those I have built a friendship with don’t know all those tricks too. They’ve just decided not to employ them. Or to only employ them with customers who, by their own actions, demand it. The prostitute with a heart of gold is undoubtedly as big of a fantasy in Thailand as it is in the Western world. But as in any other type of service industry, there are those who value giving and those who value taking. There are those who believe that providing good service is the surest way to just rewards, and those who believe that it is incumbent upon themselves to grab whatever they can as quickly as they can.

Some bar boys will promise you the moon, others will take you to heaven. This is Thailand. It's up to you.

Some bar boys will promise you the moon, others will take you to heaven. This is Thailand. It’s up to you.

Regardless of motivation or mode of operation, money plays the leading role. Because working as a bar boy is a job. And anywhere in the world, with any job someone takes, the basis is always the pay. For many employees the world over, cash is the only consideration. Whether you are selling sex or a Happy Meal, the reason for doing so is the same: the money you walk away with at the end of the day. But anywhere in the world and in every type of employment there are also those who love – or at least enjoy – the work they do and those who struggle to get out of bed and force themselves to show up for another day at work. Often working in the same job, side by side, at the same pay rate. And that goes for the boys in the bars of Bangkok too. The difference is the rewards that are not as tangible as cold hard cash. And while your wallet may not feel that difference, your heart does.

There have been numerous studies done on what motivates employees. Everyone assumes it’s cash – and it is – but surprisingly beyond a pay level that meets an employee’s basic needs, those intangibles mean more. Money really doesn’t buy happiness. It helps. But it is not the only consideration. And you can see the difference between a bar boy whose focus is on his customer’s enjoyment versus those who want to do as little as possible for as much baht as possible. Even when they themselves can’t articulate the difference.

The twist in the bar boy / customer paradigm is that the same can be said of the customer. Those who focus on the amount of cash their orgasm costs them – and what they get for that cash – seldom enjoy themselves as much as those who consider that money secondary. When the state of your penis’ happiness is at play, no one wants to stop and think about what motivates the guy you’re paying to make your best buddy happy. But maybe you should. Because there are orgasms and then there are orgasms. And just a bit of effort can mean the difference between a memorable night in the sack and landing yet another dud.

How happy of an ending you have may depend on how happy you make your boy du jour.

How happy of an ending you have may depend on how happy you make your boy du jour.

I’d like to tell you I know the secret to making every off you pay for in Thailand a successful one. ‘Cuz then I’d publish this blog on a paid subscription basis and get filthy rich off of your orgasms. But I can’t. Because I’ve had my share of duds too. Although possibly far fewer than you’ve experienced. The small number of bad offs that I have suffered through, after the fact, I’ve chalked up to letting my little head doing the thinking. There were enough warning signals that I shoulda known better. But my successful off batting average is high enough to earn me a spot in the Hall of Fame. And even those that didn’t end as happily as I may have wanted, I’ve often enjoyed just for the companionship of the bar boy I picked. So while I could scam you out of a buck or two for sharing my vast knowledge and experience, the fact is you already know the answer. Because what promises to ensure you get the most out of the interaction you have with a bar boy is no different than what motivates you in your own personal interactions with others.

As anti established religion as I am, most of the major faiths share a common tenet that holds true. In Christianity it reads ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. Uh, that’s about how you treat them, not how good of a blow job you give. Conversely, for the glass half full folks and those who often land a dud, there’s ‘You reap what you sow’. The positive aspects in your interactions with others, those things they do or say that make you feel good, are no different than what a bar boy will find attractive about you. Regardless of how unattractive you are. A bit of respect goes a long way. Flattery even further. Everyone (well, most of us) would prefer spending our time with someone who is fun to be around, with someone with a smile on his face rather than a dour look that broadcasts his widespread resentment in life. And never underrate the importance of status to a Thai. He gets his from yours. And you get yours from the pride you show in yourself. You may scoff at such basic measures, but they mean a lot in Thailand. And those are the things that really get a bar boy off when he’s being offed.

Empathy too matters. Especially for those frequent posters on the gay Thailand message boards who like to claim bar boys are nothing more than prostitutes and should be treated as such. “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes” is a well-known adage that can be traced back to the Native American Cherokee tribe; Harper Lee rephrased that sentiment in To Kill A Mockingbird when she wrote, “You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” That doesn’t just mean you shouldn’t dismiss a bar boy’s emotional or social needs because of the work that he does, but that you should also consider how your actions impact his both status and his view of you as a customer. Which takes a bit more work. But it is well worth the effort.

Picking which bar boy to spend your time with shouldn't be your only consideration.

Picking which bar boy to spend your time with shouldn’t be your only consideration.

For example, there is currently a thread on one of the gay Thailand message boards about buying a drink at a gogo bar when you already know who you’ll off. In other words, you go to the bar having already picked out the guy you want to take off with the question being are you then obligated to buy a drink – which often serves as a cover charge – or can you just pay the off fee and skedaddle. I cringe whenever sexpats and sex tourists start talking about money on the boards. You’d think saving a buck was their main goal rather than the orgasm they traveled to Thailand in search of. Not surprisingly, everyone who contributed to this thread agreed that under those circumstances you should not have to pony up for the price of a drink; you are not there for the show, you don’t plan on being in the bar any longer than absolutely necessary, and often you may only be there to pay the off fee for a bar boy you already offed – it’s night #2 of your time with him, an unexpected pleasure, and you are only at the bar to pay his off fee again.

At first glance not buying a drink sounds perfectly reasonable. Although I’d question whether being reasonable or saving a few bucks is the motivation behind the act. Nonetheless, I can’t disagree. You are there only to hand over some cash, not to enjoy an evening at the bar. I’ve been in the same situation and arrived at the same conclusion. Primarily because I was thinking of it solely from my point of view. Fortunately the bar boy I was with was also a friend and felt comfortable enough in our relationship to point out what I’d missed.

Bar boys get tons of both status and good-will for bringing a customer back to his bar. The bar manager notices, appreciates the extra income, and will treat that boy accordingly. His barmates also take note of the ‘good’ customer he landed and his status among the group rises. Now you just have to decide which you value more: your $10 or the affect that money has on his self-esteem and the respect he gets from his employer and fellow employees.

Walking a mile in the other guy's shoes should be a part of your considerations, even when he's not wearing any.

Walking a mile in the other guy’s shoes should be a part of your considerations, even when he’s not wearing any.

Using the boards for advice back when I was a newbie, I learned that when you off a bar boy for a week or so it is not unreasonable to barter for a discount on the total of off fees you pay. The logic in that claim was based on two points: the basic idea that when you buy in bulk it should be cheaper, and that since bar boys are not slaves and get one day off per week, you shouldn’t have to pay an off fee for his day off. I dismissed the former. Bartering for off fees or tips based on the idea that you are owed a discount, or that neither the boy or the bar would otherwise get seven days worth of pay, is just plain cheapskate thinking. The little bit of money you save will cost you much more in the long run. But the latter made sense. Why should I pay a bar an off fee to cover a night when the boy would not be working at that bar anyway?

In this case it was a bar owner who provided me with the glimpse into the bar boy’s side of the equation. And again, it had not been a viewpoint I’d considered myself. Despite what we may think, a week in Phuket, for example, is not the jolly holiday for a bar boy that it would appear to be. It’s a stressful seven days of being away from his friends and family, spending 24 hours a day trying to take care of you, his customer. By paying that ‘extra’ day’s off fee, when he gets back to Bangkok he gets a free night off. Otherwise he ‘used’ his regular day off on your trip. And has to go right back to work again. That may matter little to you, but matters greatly to him.

It’s easy to think of the guys who work in the bars as sex objects because it is because of sex that we meet them. But they are human beings too and have the same emotional needs as everyone else. Even those who have become hardened from the years they’ve spent working in the bars. It’s amazing how something as simple as stopping on the way back to your hotel so he can have something to eat – that’d be food he is used to and enjoys – can make or break your night together. That’s the kind of thing that costs you little but can pay off big time. ‘Cuz a happy bar boy invariably leads to a happy ending. And he might even surprise you and not ask you for taxi money at the end of your time together.

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I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: ‘Til Death Do Us Part

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The 10 Bar Boys You’ll Off In Bangkok

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Gay Bangkok, Offs

You'd think with a bar called Dream Boy alone your chances of meeting the man of your dreams in Bangkok would be great. But then this is Thailand.

You’d think with a bar called Dream Boy alone your chances of meeting the man of your dreams in Bangkok would be great. But then this is Thailand.

Whether it is your first time offing a bar boy in Bangkok or your 100th, you are always in for a surprise. The more experienced punters usually have a long check-list of criteria they use in selecting their boy du jour, the first-timer often goes with the first bar boy who smiles at him. Both are equally at risk of landing a dud. ‘Cuz it is not until you get back to your hotel room and unwrap the package that you really know what you are getting. And the chances of you having a happy ending are about 50/50. Or 50/40 ‘cuz there’s always a 10% chance he’ll turn out to be a ladyboy too.

If only you really did get what you paid for, the life of a sex tourist would be grand. Some punters are lucky and meet the bar boy of their dreams. Many only meet the bar boy of their dreams if you consider nightmares to be dreams too. Most adopt the philosophy of if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. What you will find along that path to sexual enlightenment is that as special as every bar boy may be, they all tend to fit into categories, rankings of bar boys that share traits that are difficult to miss. Unfortunately, in most cases the customer doesn’t catch those little hints until after the act. And that means that you, like all those who have cum before you, will eventually meet these 10 types of bar boys you’ll off in Bangkok:

The Gay Boy bar boy should be easy to spot because he looks like he isn't.

The Gay Boy bar boy should be easy to spot because he looks like he isn’t.

1. The Gay Boy:
Being gay themselves, many punters claim they only off gay bar boys. That’s usually due to a mistaken belief that the twenty-year-old gay boy they do off will be more ‘into’ having sex with another man than would a straight one. They are partially correct in that assumption. The gay bar boy would in fact enjoy having sex with another man. As in any man other than you. Gay bar boys are no more attracted to fat, bald, myopic, elderly farang that are their straight counterparts. And any bar boy, gay or straight, will find you attractive enough if your wallet outweighs all of your other faults.

The biggest problem with offing The Gay Boy is in translation. Thais have never quite adopted the gay/straight designations used in the western world. To Thais there are men and then there are gays. The gays are all effeminate and as close to being a ladyboy as possible without stuffing your bra, an act which may be only a week or so away. That’s still not a problem if you prefer your men to be woman-like, but can be problematic when your purchase for the evening shows back up after changing into his street clothes.

There’s not much to be done when you’ve already agreed to the off and settled up your check bin before your boy du jour flounces back to your table reeking of Chanel knock-off and wearing the same outfit your 12-year-old niece showed up in at your family’s last 4th of July barbeque. Why the boys who want to be girls in Thailand all adopt the make-up stylings of Tammy Faye Bakker is one of life’s greatest mysteries. If you are not smart enough to excuse yourself to use the restroom, and then flee for the safety of the streets, that means you’ll get to parade down the major arteries of Patpong trailed by a strange little creature wearing leopard print leggings.

Of course if that idea bothers you, you only have yourself to blame. Unfortunately, there is also The Gay Boy subspecies known as The Closeted Gay Boy. That doesn’t mean he is not out. Everyone in Bangkok knows he’s gay. But on stage, in his underwear he looked like any other masculine man. But then when he shows up back at your table ready to go he’s decked out in all of his fabulousness. If that meant he is definitely a bottom, it’s possible you’d be willing to overlook his choice of dress. But just like ladyboys are often tops, the Gay Boy bar boy is often not into taking the bottom position either. But ya never know, and self-discovery can be a wonderful thing.

The Straight Boy bar boy looks like the perfect date until you get him back to your hotel room only to discover he doesn't have sex with men.

The Straight Boy bar boy looks like the perfect date until you get him back to your hotel room only to discover he doesn’t have sex with men.

2. The Straight Boy:
If every bar boy in Bangkok didn’t tell you he lies you as part of his introductory greeting, it’d be easier to separate the gay from the gay-for-pay. Not that how he self-identifies has anything to do with your orgasm. Unless he starts repeatedly telling you he is a man. That’s Thai for straight. And by straight I mean 100%. Why a straight boy would take a job that basically requires he have sex with other men would make little sense if it were anywhere else in the world other than Thailand. But in the kingdom The Straight Boy bar boy can make a good living by never having gay sex.

The Straight Boy bar boy will not kiss. He will not engage in anal, in either or any position. He may allow you to hug him, usually only while the two of you are still clothed. What he may agree to, if you caught him on a good night, is to get naked and masturbate while watching straight porn on his iPhone. As long as you stay at least ten feet away from him at all times.

The strangest thing about offing The Straight Boy bar boy is that after your extremely short-time together is over, after he may or may not have cum, and after who cares if you did or not, he will give you his cellphone number and ask for yours in return. As though you’d seriously want to relive that not-an-experience again. You’d think that would be the icing on the just-doesn’t-get-it cake, but 30% of his customers will re-book him for a second go round. And 15% of those will begin to refer to him as their boyfriend.

Faster than a speeding bullet, The Short-Timer bar boy manages to make a career out of being a premature ejaculator.

Faster than a speeding bullet, The Short-Timer bar boy manages to make a career out of being a premature ejaculator.

3. The Short-Timer:
Many punters are into quantity over quality and prefer offing a bar boy for short-time, which is generally considered to be for an hour or so max. The dedicated Short-Timer bar boy can fit a half a dozen offs into that hour. Their battle cry is You Cum, I Go and if you don’t quickly enough he will and will be out the door faster than you can say taxi money. The Short-Timer bar boy isn’t into showering first – that’s a waste of his valuable time. Ditto for completely undressing. And you can forget about safe-sex because by the time you could get a condom unwrapped he’ll have already cum and will be at the door ready to accept his tip.

While most bar boys dedicate their working hours to landing a customer, The Short-Timer’s efforts are all about escape. Once the two of you are out of the bar he will immediately tell you he can not stay later than (add 15 minutes to whatever time your watch says it currently is). And in case you prove to be a difficult customer, he will already have one of his barmates lined up to call him with a ready-made excuse for why he has to leave. Like a sick or dying relative. Or a demanding mamasan who insists he return to his bar.

For the true butterfly, the cool thing about booking The Short-Timer bar boy is that as soon as the both of you arrive back on the soi, you can book him again. He won’t remember that you are the customer he just finished with and the perplexed look on his face from the vaguely familiar surroundings when you arrive back at your hotel again minutes later can be priceless. And on your second go round you may even be able to sneak an orgasm in.

Same-Sex marriage is not legal in Thailand but that doesn't mean you won't be wed for life as far as The Long-Timer bar boy is concerned.

Same-Sex marriage is not legal in Thailand but that doesn’t mean you won’t be wed for life as far as The Long-Timer bar boy is concerned.

4. The Long-Timer:
The Long-Timer bar boy (AKA The Boyfriend) is a butterfly’s worst nightmare. By long-time you mean over night and possibly through breakfast the next morning. By long-time he means for the rest of your life. Or at least as long as you stay in Bangkok. The Long-Timer bar boy doesn’t just show his ID card to your hotel’s reception desk, he registers himself into your room. And checks for any future bookings you may have made so that he can be registered into your room for those dates too.

Many bar boys hope to find a generous farang who will ‘sponsor’ them. The Long-Timer bar boy dispenses with that hunt and just assumes any farang who books him just committed to a life-long relationship. And ridding yourself of him is an impossible feat. The Long-Timer bar boy is like a boomerang. You toss him out of your hotel room and he just comes flying right back at you. If you kick him out after breakfast, when you return hours later he’ll be waiting patiently for you in your hotel’s lobby. And will be ready to talk about your future life together and which china pattern will make the biggest splash at your wedding.

The biggest danger with Long-Timer bar boys is that there are so many of them. If you do manage to successfully rid yourself of one (which usually requires changing hotels at the very least) you can not ever show up at his bar again. Even a decade later. If you do, he’ll magically appear at your side before your first Singha does, ready to resurrect your romance as though that plastic surgery you underwent to disguise your identity really made a difference. Unfortunately there are only so many bars on Soi Twilight, so after racking up about a dozen Long-Timer bar boy offs you can never show your face on that soi again.

The Capitalist bar boy has his sights set on a long and loving relationship. With your bank account.

The Capitalist bar boy has his sights set on a long and loving relationship. With your bank account.

5. The Capitalist:
As much as punters like to think the boys working in the bars do so because they just love servicing the elderly, the fact is that for most of them it is just a job. To some, however, you are their career. And The Capitalist bar boy is all about you being his life-long employment opportunity. But don’t confuse The Capitalist bar boy with The Long-Timer bar boy, he’s not about a relationship with you. The only relationship he is interested in is one with your wallet.

The Capitalist bar boy differs from his barmates in that along with the popular bar boy greeting sequence of what your name, where you stay, how long you stay Bangkok, he will immediately ask you to buy him a drink. Because nothing turns The Capitalist bar boy on like seeing your hand reach for your back pocket. Not that it’s all about your money and how much of it you may be willing to spend on him. He cares about others too. So he’ll also ask you to buy a few of his barmates a drink, will ask you to tip a few of his barmates, and will remind you to tip a mamasan or two too. Because that shows you are jai dee. And a jai dee farang is a farang willing to finance the lifestyle of everyone he knows.

The Capitalist bar boy is not a fan of short-time offs, unless you tip well and are willing to book a short-time with him every night of your vacation. And will consider that enough to qualify as boyfriend material so that you will send him cash throughout the year too. No, The Capitalist bar boy prefers to spend lots of quality time with you instead. So there is time to go shopping (so you can buy him stuff), time to reflect on how wonderful the two of you get along (so you can buy him gifts), time to stop at 7/11 (so you can but him a fresh stock of his everyday necessities), time to meet his family (so you can but them gifts), time to meet his friends (so you can but them gifts while buying him stuff), and time to become familiar enough with your internet banking passwords so that you don’t have to remember to buy him stuff when the two of you are apart.

The Fresh Off the Farm bar boy is a blank canvas waiting to be painted upon. I hope you are a fan of Jackson Pollock.

The Fresh Off the Farm bar boy is a blank canvas waiting to be painted upon. I hope you are a fan of Jackson Pollock.

6. The FOF:
The Fresh Off the Farm (FOF) bar boy is the Thai bar boy version of the FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) guy; he’s never been outside of his village before, never saw a farang before, and only has had sexual experiences with his family’s livestock. There are pros and cons to offing a FOF bar boy. That his skills at giving a hand job suspiciously resemble his moves in milking a cow back home can go either way.

The FOF bar boy does not speak English. He also does not speak gay. So even if you pantomime ‘suck me’ he still won’t have a clue about what you’re saying. Nor will he have a clue about what the toilet in your hotel’s bathroom is for, why you’d think you should see him naked, or what your ass pointed in the air is suppose to mean. Unless your ass reminds him of his favorite water buffalo back home.

There are some punters who enjoy offing FOF bar boys, just like there are some punters who enjoy spending time with a virgin. And with FOF bar boys that’s usually one and the same thing. No matter how many times they’ve been offed before. Which should tell you something. Usually your time with a FOF bar boy will be as fulfilling as discovering that both you and the hottie you picked up back at the disco are both bottoms. But you will have cute stories to tell your friends about the footprints you found on your toilet seat.

The Buddha's Gift bar boy has the looks of a top male model, but what you see is all that you will get.

The Buddha’s Gift bar boy has the looks of a top male model, but what you see is all that you will get.

7. The Buddha’s Gift:
The Buddha’s Gift bar boy can be found on Soi Twilight although if he is your taste you’ll do better shopping at Jupiter, or even Tawan. These are the bar boys who would score a 10 in almost anyone’s book. And know it. They believe they are the gods’ gift to gays. And while The Buddha’s Gift bar boy may be straight or gay, much like with The Straight bar boy, your job is to admire and not touch. That you get to spend some personal one-on-one time with a The Buddha’s Gift bar boy should be enough to satisfy you. ‘Cuz actually satisfying you is not part of his plan.

The Buddha’s Gift bar boy usually only books short-time offs, being firm believers in that too much of a good thing is bad for you. They tend to believe an orgasm is bad for you too, though they usually will allow you to have one if it is self-induced and you are quick about it. For a The Buddha’s Gift bar boy, a long-time off is anything that lasts over 45 minutes (and never longer than an hour). He’ll also expect at least 1,000 baht more than the going rate, along with 500 baht for taxi money even though his bar is just across the soi from the short-time hotel that was the only place he would agree to go to with you.

Fortunately, The Buddha’s Gif bar boys are quite narcissistic and might even get hard if you pull out your camera. Not that that will do anything towards you having an orgasm, but your friends back home won’t know that and when you show off your photos of him they’ll all be jealous. Which is almost as good as an orgasm anyway.

Yaba-Daba don't.

Yaba-Daba don’t.

8. The Addict:
Yaba is a popular drug among Thai bar boys, which some assume is due to the soul-crushing work they do. But the fact is yaba is popular among all Thai men between the ages of 18 and 25. It’d be as popular among those a bit older too but yaba addicts rarely live past their 25th year. The Addict bar boy could also be anyone one of the other nine types of bar boys you’ll off in Bangkok, and probably was at one time. But once yaba becomes his sole reason for living, all other considerations drop by the wayside. So you can imagine just how much your happy ending rates with The Addict bar boy.

There are obvious signs that the bar boy your are thinking about offing is a yaba addict, but I won’t bother listing them because all you’ll be looking at is his crotch anyway. A good tip that you just offed an Addict bar boy, however, is when he has to make a quick stop down a dark alley on your way back to your hotel. That is only two blocks from his bar. There is also the anxiousness he’ll display once in your room, which has nothing to do with being nervous about being in an unfamiliar hotel with an unfamiliar man. Nor does his repeated visits to your room’s bathroom have anything to do with him having a small bladder.

On the plus side, assuming he doesn’t steal your iPhone, camera, and laptop, The Addict bar boy is an excellent choice if you are into short-time offs. And he will see that you get the orgasm you paid for too. ‘Cuz the sooner you come, the sooner he’ll get the money he needs for his next hit.

Being built like a Greek god is not necessarily a good thing.

Being built like a Greek god is not necessarily a good thing.

9. The Surprise Package:
One of the pluses in offing a guy from a gogo bar is that at the very least you’ll get to check out his package when he is on stage wearing nothing but his underwear. And as a gay man, calculating bulge into meat is usually not much of a challenge. But bar boys are quite skilled at packaging their packages to insure the most bookings, so there’s a good chance you’ll be in for a surprise when you finally get him back to your hotel room. Unfortunately, surprises are not any more popular in undressing your boy du jour than those that come in a box of Craker Jacks are. Although if you were lucky enough to score one of those little magnifying glasses in your Craker Jacks, it may come in handy.

The Surprise Package bar boy comes in two flavors, both of which are guaranteed to disappoint. The first is about size. Not that Asians are exactly known for being well-hung in the first place, but then you wouldn’t expect the owner of a micro-penis to be making a living out of having sex with strangers either. Although come to think about it, guys with a micro-penis probably only get to have sex with strangers. Other than hoping he is a bottom, there’s not much you can do when you discover The Surprise Package bar boy you just offed is a bit lacking. You can always throw him back in the pond and hope he grows into himself, but that does little for the happy ending you just paid for. And while it sounds reasonable, paying by the inch is not generally considered the proper way of going about tipping a bar boy. On the plus side, your best buddy will suddenly appear to be gigantic. And that’s never a bad thing.

The second flavor The Surprise Package bar boy comes in is about shape. Specifically about those shapes that the gods never intended to appear on a human penis. Unfortunately there is no way to tell in advance that the bar boy you are considering booking has a fang muk. Or a dozen of them. If you have not been unlucky enough to run into the phenomenon before, fang muck are small beads Asian men insert under the skin of their penis, supposedly because they give sex partners a thrill. Although why anyone would think most people’s reaction of throwing up when they encounter a fang muk would ever be considered thrilling is beyond me. While it would be rude to make fun of The Surprise Package bar boy who is a bit short in life, since he was born that way, you should have no qualms about laughing at The Surprise Package bar boy who only has himself to blame for the horrible misshapen sight his penis is. Granted, he will probably not want to stay when you are laughing at his penis, but then you didn’t really want to touch that thing anyway. And maybe next time you’ll get lucky and only have a micro-penis to deal with.

Sorry, I've already maxed out my daily limit on twink photos today.

Sorry, I’ve already maxed out my daily limit on twink photos today.

10. The Barely Legal:
A perennial favorite among the Sunee Plaza set, the Barely Legal bar boy can be found in Bangkok too, primarily in the cheaper, off-Twilight sleaze bars. These are the bar boys that are legally old enough to work in the bars but look like puberty is still far off in their future. The problem (besides the sickness responsible for those who seek this type of bar boy out) is that they also lack maturity. Of any sort. Even if they speak English, you can not hold a conversation with them because their entire world is that of a 14-year-old and the two of you share no commonalities. Not that that would matter much if you are just there for the sex, but regardless of how many customers have cum before you, the Barely Legal bar boy’s sexual expertise is as non-existent as your happy ending will be. You can chalk that up to bad luck. I’d call it karma at work.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
Gay Gogo Bar First Timers Guide Part IX

Gay Gogo Bar First Timers Guide Part IX

Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don'ts For The Newbie

Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don’ts For The Newbie

Dear Ann

Dear Ann

How To Have A Happy Ending

12 Monday May 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

To a bar boy, a happy ending means a handful of cash.

To a bar boy, a happy ending means a handful of cash.

A recent news story reported on the Sriracha Zoo’s failed attempt to promote world peace by proving crocodiles and ducks could share the same pond. The zoo introduced ducks to their crocs’ home and posted a sign in front of the exhibit stating: “Duck and Crocodile – the relationship between a herbivore and an omnivore, which can live together as friends at Sriracha Zoo.” Unfortunately they forgot to teach the crocs the difference between neighbors and food. But if you interpret ‘as friends’ to mean ” as Happy Meals” I’d say their experiment was a success. Animal lovers (many of whom probably had duck for dinner the night before themselves) were outraged and the zoo quietly removed the flock of floating food from the crocs’ enclosure. No problemo. Visitors to the zoo can still view the similar display of a pig living in a tiger’s cage. But ya better hurry.

Said pig may be history by the time you read this, but his life, and death, still serves a purpose. It made for a great opening paragraph, and the perfect segue to a closer look at a similar display you can see in Bangkok nightly: the introduction of a farang into the world of a bar boy. Although I guess I should apologize to the pig for besmirching his reputation with that comparison. ‘Cuz pigs are known to be intelligent animals. But the problem of dising the porcine community aside, the analogy works. And it’s not that farang aren’t rumored to be intelligent creatures too. It’s just that, as bar boys are fond of saying, they tink too much.

As much as fans of Bangkok’s commercial sex world like to deconstruct every little detail of the farang / bar boy relationship – regardless if that encounter lasts for 15 minutes or for years – it is, in truth, a basic form of human interaction that has been around for centuries. The dealings between a prostitute and his customer is not something new under the sun. Nor is it rocket science. Granted, this is Thailand and that means an only in Thailand twist is required, but then calling payment made for services rendered a ‘tip’ really isn’t all the different from the whores who ply their trade on the streets of Honolulu calling their rendered services a ‘date’. And both affectionately refer to their clients by the nickname of Pay Day.

Your focus should be on which bar boy to off, not on how to go about paying him.

Your focus should be on which bar boy to off, not on how to go about paying him.

To the punter the goal is sex. To the bar boy it’s baht. And while how much of either is involved may be debatable, that money will exchange hands is a given. How that payment is made is where every pig facing a tiger differs. How best to pay the piper seems to be an endless source of speculation among sex tourists, while to money boys bringing home the bacon is a fairly cut and dried proposition. In the end, whatever works best for you is the correct answer. But there are pros and cons to the various scenarios punters have come up with to cover the reality in their night of fantasy. So let’s take a look at a few of the more popular ways sex tourists have devised to handle handing over the cash.

The Premature Ejaculator.
Because it is unique to Thailand, the question of when to tip is problematic for some punters, especially first-timers to The Land of Smiles. A basic rule to live by for prostitutes the world over is to get the money up front. Which makes sense. A man in need of an orgasm will always hand that cash over with little thought when all he is thinking about is that orgasm to come. Afterwards, not so much. But for a variety of social custom reasons in Thailand, payment is made at the end of the interaction rather than at the beginning.

First, it is a tip. And by custom and practice you tip at the end of an encounter not before you are served. Second, Thai culture depends on every person doing the right and honorable thing. Which, despite countless interactions with farangs, Thais still believe. As the customer, you are supposed to be honorable in how much you pay. There is even the hope that you’ll prove you are jai dee and tip even more than expected. Regardless, paying at the end of your time together is the standard in Thailand. But the Premature Ejaculator shoots his wad of baht almost as soon as he and his boy du jour get back to his hotel room.

Prostitutes outside of Thailand want their money up front to avoid being short changed after the act. Conversely, when you tip up front in Thailand you may get short changed during the act. You may discover just how short of a time a short-time can be. If you are lucky your bar boy will remember what his parents taught him and will do the right thing instead. But you are just as likely to hire a guy who remembers what all the farang who came before you taught him. And that never promises a happy ending to your time together.

You have better things to do with your time than financial planning.

You have better things to do with your time than financial planning.

The SODDI Defense.
De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. There are punters who hate to face the reality of their orgasm being part of a commercial transaction. And so, rather than hand their boy du jour his tip, they leave it on the dresser, or the desk, or on a countertop, on the bathroom vanity, or on the top of the toilet tank. Because everyone knows Thais love to have fun and nothing is more fun than playing Find The Tip.

I call this the Some Other Dude Did It payment option, named after a well-known courtroom tactic in criminal trials where the defense suggests the blame for the crime should be laid at the feet of some unspecified ‘other guy’. In the farang / bar boy relationship it’s an It’s Not My Fault ploy that removes the personal interaction out of the payment process so that the punter can pretend that cash has nothing to do with the enjoyment he just experienced. It’s a favorite among those who prefer wearing their rose colored glasses. Even in bed.

The problem with using the SODDI defense is your boy du jour probably does not know the tip he is waiting for is that pile of baht laying on whichever surface you chose to stand in your hand’s stead. So at some point you still have to bow to the reality of the situation and tell him either verbally or with a non-verbal hint. Like pointing at it. Which kinda negates the fantasy you were trying to keep alive. And as not subtle as that direction may be, your boy du jour can easily misinterpret your clue and assume not only is he supposed to pocket that wad of cash, but your cell phone or laptop too.

How to pay your boy du jour should not be the sticky situation during your time together.

How to pay your boy du jour should not be the sticky situation during your time together.

The Tip Jar Is Around Here Some Place.
Similar to the SODDI defense, in which the punter usually leaves a specific amount of money as the tip sitting on which ever surface he selected, in The Tip Jar Is Around Here Some Place the punter leaves a wad of money for the bar boy to decide for himself just how much of a tip is his due. It’s a fantasy inside of a fantasy that allows the punter to avoid both handing the tip over directly and having to decide how much to tip. I assume the basis of this strategy is a reliance on a Thai to honor his heritage and do the right thing. I also assume that in 99 out of a 100 cases, that entire wad disappears. Unless there were some useless coins laying there too.

The pro for this ploy is the punter’s complete lack of responsibility for the result. The con, obviously, is how much that result will cost you. But then being a coward is supposed to cost you more.

This is also a popular choice among sex tourists who use a different option for making their primary payment, but who can’t quite work up the balls to deal with the secondary payment that often arises during a farang / bar boy interaction. Experienced bar boys know that even after getting their tip there is still gold to be mined from them thar hills. A common ploy among money boys is to ask for taxi money, after being tipped. Rather than saying no, some punters leave a small handful of bills and coins to nod towards for the bar boy to pull his taxi money from. Some consider this a good test of the bar boy’s honesty; how much he takes shows how well he should be trusted. But that he asked for taxi money when he’s gonna take a bus home in the first place pretty well settles that question. Know what I mean Vern?

Love means never having to provide an accounting of your time together.

Love means never having to provide an accounting of your time together.

The Energizer Bunny.
This is a new one to me, a process nicely detailed by a poster on one of the message boars recently that goes like this:

“This is for short time” (agreed upon given)
“This is for you to buy present” (tip if given)
“This is for taxi” (40 baht in Pattaya and 60-100 baht in BKK)
“This is the pass code for my ATM account” (priceless)

Okay, so I added the last line, but seriously . . . a) you are not counting out change, and b) WTF? Firstly, your boy du jour really does not care how you justified the amount you decided to give him. Hell, he probably doesn’t even understand your analytical bullshit ‘cuz that’s far too much English being used in the first place. Secondly, even if you are one of those punters who thinks negotiating the amount you’ll pay up front is the way to go – tipping on top of the tip and then adding taxi money to boot is ridiculous. If you need to overpay, just do it. Don’t make a calculator a necessary part of the transaction.

There is a fine line between being generous and being foolish with your money. Often when you think you are being the former, your boy du jour thinks you are being the latter. You think he’ll respect you for being so jai dee; in reality he’ll tell all of his bar mates what a sucker you are. And that they need to plan on an extra ten minutes to allow for the time it takes you to spell out what every baht note you hand him is for. Um, but don’t forget the donation to his university fund, ‘cuz a young mind is a terrible thing to waste.

In the end, a happy ending is what's important

In the end, a happy ending is what’s important

We’re Here. We’re Sex Tourists. Get Used To It.
Some punters take the suggestion that a bar boy is to be tipped for his services at the end of your time together a bit too literally. Rather than handing over his tip in the room just before the door opens, they wait, escort him to the lobby, and then pay him there. In front of the guests, the staff, and the gods. It’s the bar boy tipping equivalent of public urination. And it’s just as popular too.

Sure every member of the staff already knew you brought a prostitute back to your room. And every other guest already figured out the only way that young thang was gonna be hanging out with your ancient ass was if money was involved. But your boy du jour has some dignity. Even if you don’t. This one is all cons. The only pro is if you decided to be a cheap bastard with your tip, he probably will not make a scene in public. Unless he is a ladyboy. ‘Cuz ladyboys are all about making a scene in public.

Show Me The Money.
The time you spend in private with a bar boy is supposed to be fun. At least for one of you. So when the time comes for him to get a bit of enjoyment out of the transaction, make it easy on both of you. When it’s all over, when he is (unfortunately) dressed once again and ready to head back to his bar and his next customer, hand him his tip, thank him, wish him a good night, and politely open the door. So that you can boot his ass out in case he tries that taxi money ploy on you.

You do not need to count the money out in front of him. Usually he will not count it either. Unless your earlier actions (like you tried to haggle over the off fee back at his bar) suggest you should not be trusted. He may express his gratitude with a wai, sincere or not. You already expressed yours with a gratuity. It is a simple process, one that he’s encountered countless times before. It does not require that you make a production out of the part of your evening that you both would probably like to ignore. And then when he gets back to his bar there’s a good chance he won’t be telling his barmates about the pig he just had for dinner. Because unlike that experiment at the Sriracha Zoo, the relationship between a bar boy and his customer can result in a happy ending for everyone involved.

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A Day Late, A G String Full Of Baht Short

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Seven Shots (Of Reality): It’s A Sin When You Love Somebody (Part 1)

18 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Gay Thailand, Offs

What’s a poor, lonely gay farang to do? How about fly off to Thailand, fall in love, and sign your bank account over to a Thai moneyboy?

What’s a poor, lonely gay farang to do? How about fly off to Thailand, fall in love, and sign your bank account over to a Thai moneyboy?

(If you caught that Joe Cocker reference, you get bonus points. And good on you, you’re gonna need them. This is the 6th part of a 7 part series of posts about the joys of falling in love with a Thai moneyboy, and the subsequent whining about how badly he done you wrong. That I could sneak in a two part post on a seven article series of posts is a bonus for me. The bonus in it for you is that it may help you get used to being abused, which will be a major part of your life if you fail to head the valuable, if not snarky, advice I’m sharing with you in these articles.)

As a young ‘un I was fascinated by the history of European royalty, reading everything I could get my hands on about the subject. Historical accounts, biographies, weighty academic tomes, fictionalized stories heavy on romance, it didn’t matter. If a king, queen, or other ruler played a role in the book, I was a happy camper. Though now, looking back at those years, I can better understand the concerns of my 5th grade teacher when I walked into class one day with a dog-eared paperback of War and Peace under my arm. Okay, so the tears that caused may have been a bit over-dramatic, but in her defense my brother had taken her to task on the faulty picture of a catapult she’d drawn on the blackboard just the week before. But at that age I didn’t know that those who choose to teach elementary school often do so because their intelligence level precludes them from offering instruction to more mature minds, like those of high-school students. Though the frequency with which I had to correct her pronunciation of words with more than three syllable should have tipped me off.

Of course at that age, one of my favorite historical kings – ‘cuz I did not yet know that queens would play a much more pivotal role in my life – was England’s Henry VIII. As a role model for a precocious child, Hank’s probably not the best choice. For a future sower of seed, the big guy’s use and abuse of the marriage bed probably should sound a cautionary tale rather than be someone you want to emulate. As a cautionary tale about the dangers of pussy, however, you can’t do much better.

Shhhh. I’ve got a well-known secret to share. Just don’t tell the farang.

Shhhh. I’ve got a well-known secret to share. Just don’t tell the farang.

For a young lad who in his latter years will test his wiles against those of bar boys in Thailand, Henry’s story should be taken to heart. The past is prologue to the future, as they say, and while you may no longer be able to resort to the chopping block to rid yourself of an attachment you’ve grown weary of, Henry’s difficulties with the ladies should sound a warning of the financial and emotional costs of falling in love too often and for the wrong reasons. Henry was the original butterfly. And he probably would have been a much happier man if he’d only recognized that fact. If Henry had realized the cost of promising his kingdom for the horse he so badly wanted to ride, perhaps he’d have avoided those blunders and headed for the closest Ye Olde Massage Shoppe instead. Much like with picking up a new car these days, there are times it is better to lease than to buy.

When some poor fool – often from the country formed by Henry’s ill-advised loin’s exploits – shares his tale of woe about a bar boy who done him wrong on one of the message boards, the responses take the same form as those who have dissected Hank’s troubles and life over the years. In both cases there are those who sympathize with Henry, and those who sympathize with the queens. There are those quick to point out Henry’s errors. And those quick to pass judgement on the scammers who only had their eye on his wallet. About the only thing historians can agree on is that Anne Boleyn was a whore. Ditto for any boy who manages to trick a farang into a relationship with him. In truth, Henry and at least seven of his wives were probably equally to blame for the demise of their relationship. As for bar boys, their history doesn’t have Henry VIII in it. Instead they have Rama IV. And his 39 wives. So now who are you gonna blame?

With my first orgasm still a few years away, Henry’s preoccupation with his orgasms never quite hit home. And I was still a decade away from understanding when it comes to orgasms, in one manner or another, you always have to pay for it. Nonetheless, one of the practices in Henry’s day that fascinated me was the idea of the dowry. That as a man you not only got a wife but a substantial chunk of your wife’s family’s royal coffers to take her off of their hands just sounded too good to be true. It was like winning the lottery. I suppose, had I known then how worthless pussy really is, that traditional financial windfall associated with marriage would have made more sense.

The ties that bind don’t come cheap. Neither do Thai moneyboys.

The ties that bind don’t come cheap. Neither do Thai moneyboys.

Nonetheless, though mistakenly so, I thought I’d figured out why Henry was so enthralled with the idea of marriage and why he sought out wife after wife after wife. It sounded to me that choosing a career was the wrong path to take – a succession of wives could easily finance your entire life instead. Fortunately before I embarked on that life’s plan I also learned about another marriage tradition: divorce. And how the latter ends up costing much more than the former ever netted you. Kinda makes you wonder why the practice of beheading your wife when you tired of her ever went out of style.

Thailand may not have Henry VIII as part of its historical record, but the dowry system they know. And unlike Henry, it’s alive, well, and still in use today. But, this is Thailand, so – a always – there’s a local twist. In the Land of Smiles it is not the fish’s family who ponies up with cash, it is the man who pays for the pussy he’ll be waking up to the rest of his life. I’m just glad it was European royalty that fascinated me as a child. If it had been Thai customs instead I probably would have grown up gay just at the thought of having to pay out my hard earned cash for an orgasm or two. Oh. Wait . . .

Called sin sod in the local parlance, just like you have to pay the bar to off a boy, when things get more serious you have to pay his parents to off him from their home. You may not realize it, you may not be aware that is what is happening, but when you want to fiddle around on a more permanent basis, you’re gonna have to pay the piper. Welcome to Thailand.

I never promised you a rose garden. But you just promised my family a windfall of cash.

I never promised you a rose garden. But you just promised my family a windfall of cash.

In traditional marriages – that’d be those in which the poor sucker has not yet learned how worthless pussy really is – the concept of sin sod is known, hated by farang, and a ready source of profit for any Thai family lucky enough to sell of one of it daughters to a rich foreigner. In same-sex couplings, not so much. So far. Because same-sex marriages are still not a reality in Thailand. Thank the gods. The problem is that Thais are quite familiar with the custom of sin sod – often referred to as the bride price – even if as a farang you’re not. And since money is at hand – and a lot of it – that their ‘daughter’ is really their son is a minor detail easily overlooked.

So how common is the custom of sin sod? Well, since I just told you it involves a Thai getting money out of a farang we now know there is in fact such a thing as a stupid question. But since you asked, here’s what the Thai embassy’s official website has to say. And yes, I did just say the Thai embassy:

“The Thai dowry system, which is more commonly known as Sin Sod, is deeply rooted in Thai culture. It is a way of honoring your bride’s parents for raising their daughter well. This is also a way of showing that you are financially capable of taking care of your Thai bride throughout your married life, because her parents tend to consider financial security as basis for the marriage.”

Worth his, or its, weight in gold? You better count on it.

Worth his, or its, weight in gold? You better count on it.

The embassy goes on to explain that the sin sod is usually money (duh) and that the value of your future spouse depends on her social status, education, whether or not she is a virgin – those Thais and their sense of humor – her occupation, and the size of your bank account. Okay, so that last one was left unsaid, but it’s a given. They advise that “An average middle-class, university-educated Thai lady deserves a dowry of 100,000- 300,000 baht.” But then quickly add that “A dowry of a million baht for an uneducated lady of modest means is just ridiculous.” How we got from 300,000 baht to a million is not mentioned. But that too has a lot to do with what was left unsaid.

Of course so far we’re still talking about those poor breeders. Though I assume a ladyboy still qualifies as a ‘her’ and still qualifies as a cash cow for her family. Which may explain why there are so many ladyboys in Thailand. But before you start thanking the gods once again for blessing you with being gay, here’s a headline fresh off the press today (that’d be Coconuts Bangkok):

German Guy Weds His Thai Boyfriend With THB1 Million Dowry

There’s a video too of the 53-year-old meat exporter from Hanover, Germany and his 26-year-old boyfriend who met on-line three years ago and finally met in person when the farang flew to Thailand to wed, so for you masochists here’s the link.

The happy couple. Well, at least we know why one of them is smiling.

The happy couple. Well, at least we know why one of them is smiling.

Now farangs in the know – that’d be sexpats – will tell you that there is no good reason for you to pay the sin sod your BS’s family expects. But then advice coming out of Pattaya is always worth what it costs you. You may think as a farang you are above the custom of sin sod, but when a Thai family has its collective eye on your wallet, you’ll quickly learn there is nothing further from the truth. You may also think that as a gay man, sin sod is beyond your worries. Wrong again. And if you think just because you’ve not yet decided to exchange formal I Dos, you and your bank account are safe . . . check back tomorrow for Part 2 of this post and discover just how many lucky farang have paid the sin sod price without ever knowing it.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
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Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

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