• Gay Thailand and Gay Asia oldest and most visited forum. Click here to visit Gay Thailand forum.

…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

~ Ramblings, Rumblings and Travel Tales: Bangkok and Beyond

…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

Category Archives: The 12 Gays of Xmas

Tales and tails to make your season bright.

The 12th Gay of Xmas

24 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ 4 Comments

Hoping you find everything you ever wanted under your Christmas tree too.

Hoping you find everything you ever wanted under your Christmas tree too.

I love holdiay traditions. Especially when that means not having to come up with new blog content to amuse y’all. So this year you get – once again – the ever popular ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (aka The Soi Twilight Soi Stroll) updated, of course, with new holiday meat. By now you should know all the words, so feel free to sing along:

night before xmas 1

Twas the night before Christmas, when all down the soi,
Sex tourists were creeping, in search of a boy.
Neon lights were all strung – god only knows how,
While barkers yelled loudly their call of, “Show Now!”

The boys were all listless, but strutting their stuff,
Each a vision of youth, lined up in the buff.
Mamasan was in drag, the captain in a tux,
The boys were all wistful of making some bucks.

When out on the soi arose such a clatter,
The bar emptied out to see what was the matter.
The barkers were shouting, the soi all astir,
While at Maxi’s and Dick’s they all downed more liqueur.

night before xmas 2

The moon over Bangkok, red lights all aglow,
Brewed a promise of sex in the scene down below.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a rare sight these days: a live customer!

Avoiding the touts, he made quite a mad dash,
And they knew right away it just might mean some cash.
Mamasan got busy, big profits her aim,
She shrilled out her orders, calling each boy by name.

“Hey Somwang! You Sompong! Little Lek boy, Aek too!
Now Tui, Wit and Mongon! Come On! All of you!
Get up on the stage now! Get out of your clothes!
Hurry up and look lively! Get into your row!”

night before xmas 3

The music began as the lights went to dim,
The boys eyed the doorway; an old man stepped in.
With an insincere wai, then an order of beer,
The boys began dancing now that payday was here.

With candle wax dripping, hard cocks to enjoy,
Mamasan saw dollars, and asked, “You want boy?”
The old man was drooling, abandoned to fate,
“Too many to choose from, but I’ll try number eight.”

“Where you from? Where you stay?” the cute bar boy cried.
“ I tink I love you,” the cute bar boy then lied.
The old man was smitten in a blink of the eye,
“How much will this cost me?” “Up to you,” the reply.

night before xmas 4

The show wasn’t over, live sex acts still on tap,
“Tip Me!” screeched the boy fucking on the falang’s lap.
“Everyting,” was the promise of what he could do,
So the check bin was tallied, the off fee paid too.

They strolled down the sidewalk: a straight boy, an old queer,
It wasn’t a long walk, the hotel was quite near.
Suriwongse has rooms, for rent by the hour,
A quick dash upstairs, then into the shower.

With lights turned down low – this bar boy was sure modest!
It took near forever, to get him undressed.
The blue pill kicked in, the falang started to stroke,
Then pointed at his cock, and gently asked, “Sa-moke?”

night before xmas 5

The boy spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He blew, then he sucked, and finished off with a jerk.
Cleaning up with a tissue from head down to toes,
And giving a nod, off the bed he then rose.

His smile was heart melting, a quick kiss, just some lip,
With a sweet gracious wai he accepted his tip.
“Melly Clitmas to you,” he said at the door,
“I tink I take taxi, please 500 baht more?”

night before xmas 6

Wishing You, Yours
– and the guy you paid to spend the night with –

A Very Warm and Merry Christmas!

The 11th Gay of Xmas

23 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ Comments Off on The 11th Gay of Xmas

Not all good presents come wrapped.

Not all good presents come wrapped.

There are a lot of Christmas tales, stories, and traditions out there. But really not enough when you are into your fourth year of sharing twelve holiday tales each holiday season. I think next year I’ll be covering Hanukkah. ‘Cuz some of those Jewish boys are hot too. Which, as a segue into today’s tale isn’t all that great ‘cuz there’s nothing kosher about the Christmas pickle. And while it doesn’t quite have the draw that Spain’s pooping log does, the origin of the pickle’s tie-in to the time of that jolly old elf is nonetheless just as cloudy and unknown as are why sugar plums ever got associated with the holidays. That most try to blame the Germans is just icing on the cake.

The tradition of the Christmas pickle is easy enough. And equally as stupid. Late on Xmas night some unlucky member of the household hangs an ornament shaped liked a pickle on the tree, preferably in a well-hidden spot. Hidden works best both because otherwise people will know you hang a pickle ornament on your tree and because otherwise it clashes with and is easily mistaken for your gay uncle’s dildo ornament.

Early Christmas morning the family plays find the pickle (your gay uncle played a similar game the night before). The child who finds the pickle (the one on the tree, not the one your gay uncle keeps whispering to him about) gets a special gift from Santa. And the adult who does the same gets a year of good fortune. Even if he or she would rather have a present from Santa. I told ya it wasn’t as cool as the pooping log.

I know. It's not a pickle tie-in. So let's just call him Heinz and say it's a done deal.

I know. It’s not a pickle tie-in. So let’s just call him Heinz and say it’s a done deal.

The Germans got blamed because Germany used to produce hand blown glass ornaments, some in the shape of veggies. And as every good lesbian knows, pickles come from cucumbers which makes them a veggie too. Supposedly, this tradition was introduced to America when Woolworth’s began importing those ornaments in the 1890s. But the dates don’t add up and those in the know have let the Germans off the hook on this one. It’s not like we don’t already have enough to blame on the Germans anyway. Not that they are completely off the hook. ‘Cuz no one has ever held them accountable for sauerkraut. It was a Bavarian born dude who evidently was really the source for this tradition anyway. And like all good Xmas tales, it’s about hunger and death.

For this Christmas tale we harken back to 1864 and the American Civil War, aka The War Between The States, aka The War Of Northern Aggression. Or as FOX News calls it, The Good Old Days. Private John C. Lower, aka Hans Lauer, enlisted in Pennsylvania’s 103rd Infantry, which, as an infantry kinda sucked. Unless you were big on losing. And being captured by the Rebels. Which our German-born hero – who we will from here on in call HansPFC – was, and summarily sent to a prison camp in Andersonville, Georgia in April of that year.

HansPFC suffered through his time as a prisoner of war ‘cuz you know how dreadful summers in the south can be. But winters are no better, and come Christmastime HansPFC was finished, over, done, kaput. Knowing that he was in a real pickle and that his days were numbered to the single digits, on Christmas Eve he begged a prison guard to give him a pickle. At least that’s how the story goes. Not that asking for a pickled cucumber as your last meal makes a lot of sense. Personally, I think what happened was the guard told HansPFC that if he let him play hide the pickle he’d give him some food. But then as Christmas traditions go that probably wouldn’t be too popular of one. Except among shopping mall Santas.

The 11th Gay of Xmas 3

So HansPFC got his pickle in one form or another, and it saved his life. I know. But a lot of people believe in the Christmas tale of immaculate conception too. When HansPFC was eventually freed and returned to the bosom of his family, he started the tradition of hiding a pickle on the family’s tree every year in honor of that guard and the good times they had together.

I don’t actually know anyone whose family follows this tradition. And the Germans deny they had anything to do with it. Like they do with most things they are blamed for. But the country does still export a lot of glass pickle ornaments. Wink. Wink. And if I can find some green dildos in time, I’m giving them to my lesbians friends for the holidays so that they can start a new holiday tradition of their own.

The 10th Gay of Xmas

22 Monday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ 4 Comments

I'd like to hang my balls on him for the holidays.

I’d like to hang my balls on him for the holidays.

Oooops. My bad. Here it is the 10th day of Xmas already and unless you are one of those cheap bastards who wait for Christmas Eve to put your tree up ‘cuz the lots are all selling them at half off, then you’ve already been enjoying a week or two of one of the holiday’s most popular traditions: filling your home with toxic molds.

If you are like many people, you’ve probably come down with a bad cold mid-December of Christmases past and assumed it was one of the joys of winter that you just have to deal with, undoubtedly brought on by all those snot-nosed walking plague-ridden children at the mall. That’s what you get for not doing your holiday shopping on-line. But even those of us who click on Amazon.com to do our holiday shopping may still come down with a nasty bug. It turns out there is a good reason we don’t drag dying trees into our homes the other 11 months of the year. That’s because they are giant allergen-producing potential killers. No wonder the Germans like to claim they are the ones who came up with the idea of the Christmas tree.

Safe sex is possible, a safe Xmas tree not so much.

Safe sex is possible, a safe Xmas tree not so much.

Since lice and other creepy crawlers were just part of life back in the day, bringing a once but no longer living tree into your home for the holidays didn’t have much of an impact on your family’s health. But pine trees are covered in mold. And thanks to the warmth of modern-day housing and central heat, those mold spores multiply more than six fold before you even get your tree decorated. Thanks to your holiday spirit, there’s a fungus among us, and your Christmas tree could give you the gift of a hospital visit. ‘Cuz while you’re decorating your tree, your tree is decorating your home with thousands of tiny, fuzzy bits of mold, bacteria, and bugs.

One study tested various kinds of pine trees and found 53 different types of mold, 70 percent of which could lead to respiratory problems, up to and including bronchitis and pneumonia. And if you think you’re going to outsmart Death by setting up a fake tree, those plastic abominations are covered in a year’s worth of dust, all of which gets dispersed in the room when you set it up. So don’t be surprised if you give your friends and family an asthma attack for Christmas.

And let's not forget about those choking hazards too.

And let’s not forget about those choking hazards too.

But wait! There’s more! Traditionalists enjoy nothing more than cutting up their tree and burning it in the fireplace after the holidays. Generally, fire is a good method for destroying molds and bacteria. Heating up those growing in and on your tree, not so much. Along with that warming cackle and pop your tree makes as it’s burning to death – and do I have to bring up the Germans again? – your tree gets the last laugh. As the wood warms it releases even more bacteria into the air. And into your home. Just in case the first wave of bacterial invaders didn’t get you.

So happy holidays! Merry Christmas! And enjoy your Christmas tree. But you just might want to wear a haz-mat suit in your home during the holidays. That might not be gay apparel, but it will keep you alive.

The 9th Gay of Xmas

21 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ 2 Comments

Just in case you were dreaming of a white Christmas.

Just in case you were dreaming of a white Christmas.

It’s Christmastime and if you are like me by now thanks to well-intended by clueless straight friends and family, you’ve got rainbows coming out of your ass. That’s a lot of re-gifting to do. Whatever happened to the traditional gift of giving a bar boy for Christmas? Since the holidays are all about traditions (even if they miss that important one) here’s some advertising from the better days of America you can use as a hint for those who insist on focusing on your gayness when selecting Christmas gifts:

The cool thing about gay Xmas light sets is that you don't actually have to put them up. Just leave the box mounted by your front door. It helps keep Jehovah witnesses and Mormon missionaries from ringing your doorbell.

The cool thing about gay Xmas light sets is that you don’t actually have to put them up. Just leave the box mounted by your front door. It helps keep Jehovah witnesses and Mormon missionaries from ringing your doorbell.

And they come down with very little pressure too.

And they come down with very little pressure too.

Tickets for a gay cruise is a nice gift. When the on-board entertainment is a guy with puppets, not so much.

Tickets for a gay cruise is a nice gift. When the on-board entertainment is a guy with puppets, not so much.

Ha! I new there was something suspicious about that mouse!

Ha! I new there was something suspicious about that mouse!

Kinda makes you wonder what else is easy on Santa's throat.

Kinda makes you wonder what else is easy on Santa’s throat.

 And that is pretty gay. Especially since they had a dyke pose for the ad.

And that is pretty gay. Especially since they had a dyke pose for the ad.

No comment.

No comment.

'Cuz nothing says Juicy Fruit like a bunch of horny sailors.

‘Cuz nothing says Juicy Fruit like a bunch of horny sailors.

Betty is a lipstick lesbian and it has nothing to do with her period.

Betty is a lipstick lesbian and it has nothing to do with her period.

Now that marijuana is being legalized, I think it's time to bring cocaine back to supermarket shelves too.

Now that marijuana is being legalized, I think it’s time to bring cocaine back to supermarket shelves too.

Okay, so the plastic bag your dry cleaning comes in  is cheaper, but hey - whatever works!

Okay, so the plastic bag your dry cleaning comes in is cheaper, but hey – whatever works!

The 8th Gay of Xmas

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ Comments Off on The 8th Gay of Xmas

Tags

That's Gay

Ooops. Sorry. You said red nose. My bad.

Ooops. Sorry. You said red nose. My bad.

It’s Christmastime and you’re probably having no trouble recalling that most famous reindeer of all thanks to the local mall playing his theme song ad nauseam. But do you recall back on the 1st Gay of Xmas when I said I was considering telling you about the origins of some of our more beloved Christmas carols? No? Well I did. Even if I haven’t yet. And while the obvious choice would be to remind you that Silent Night and Crystal Night are not the same thing (the latter was neither holy nor very silent despite both being rather festive for German Christians) instead I’m gonna bow to the gods of popularity. And Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer will finally quit playing in your head. You can thank me later. Preferably with a cash donation.

So while I’m taxing your brain cells, do you know what the last Christmas/holiday song to reach No. 1 on any US singles record chart was? How about the only Christmas song to win three Grammy Awards? The only Christmas record to reach No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 Pop Singles chart? The third best all-time most downloaded Christmas/holiday digital single? The only Christmas song to be used in a Rocky movie? No? Let me give you a hint:

ALVINNNNNNNNNN!!!!

Wrong Alvin. But I'd still love to stuff my nuts in his mouth.

Wrong Alvin. But I’d still love to stuff my nuts in his mouth.

Yeppers, The Chipmunk Song (aka Christmas Don’t Be Late) holds all of those records as well as Ross Bagdasarian, Sr. (a.k.a. David Seville) who wrote and sung all the voices being the only composer of a Christmas song to appear standing next to Alfred Hitchcock in one of his famous signature cameo appearances in one of his own movies. But as not-so-illustrious as Bagdasarian’s career was, the true stars of this holiday classic are the chipmunks: Simon, Theodore, and the trouble-making Alvin, whose sole desire for a Christmas present is a hula hoop.

Now before I get to the heart of the matter of this holiday tale, let me remind you of the song’s opening lyrics. Just so that you’ll have a new Xmas ditty playing in your head well into the new year:

Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer
We’ve been good, but we can’t last
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast
Want a plane that loops the loop
Me, I want a hula hoop!
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don’t be late.

So you’re probably wondering what The Chipmunk Song has to do with donning your gay apparel. Other than that like Winnie The Pooh the Chipmunks often appeared naked from the waist down and should also be banned as was that silly old bear recently in Poland for his “dubious sexuality” and “inappropriate” dress. And the answer is it’s Lucille Ball’s fault. Or at least the fault of the gay news website Towelroad, which recently tried to claim Lucy as a gay icon. Granted, I never loved Lucy much anyway, but trying to pin the gay icon label on the comedian just because she was a “comic victim” whose “kooky ideas that always seem to backfire” “inspired generations of gay men” is pure rubbish. ‘Cuz if there ever was a beloved comedic figure known for wacky schemes destined to go wrong, it’s Alvin. And while he never over-dosed on downers like Judy, when it comes to gay icons Alvin and the Chipmunks deserve their due.

Because a good graphical pun is always worth beating to death.

Because a good graphical pun is always worth beating to death.

Let’s start with The Chipmunks being the original boy band, before the group’s name changed from “The Chipmunks” to “Alvin and the Chipmunks” ala The Supremes being shuttled aside in favor of Diana Ross And The Supremes. And while all Lucy is known for is screeching her husband’s name while breaking into tears, Alvin once boasted the Chipmunks were “bigger than Mickey Mouse”, inspiring John Lennon – in a show of one upmanship – to claim the Beatles were more famous than Jesus. Alvin’s enthusiasm was boundless and his despair bottomless. While Lucy’s scattered brain approach to life was always good for a laugh, impulsive, charming, and musical, Alvin referred to his often illogical or crazy plans as “challenging the ordinary”. And if that’s not the attitude that inspired generations of gay men, I don’t know what is. Then there’s the whole Chipettes thingy, which as far as I’m concerned was just the boys performing in drag.

By the way, did you know Amy Poehler played the youngest sister of the Chipettes, Eleanor? You really need to brush up on your Alvin & The Chipmunks trivia or you’ll be turned away at next year’s Gay Pride Parade. Even if you are wearing your tiara.

And it wasn’t just Alvin who paved the way for gay men who came after him. Nerdy brother Simon’s dry sense of humor and keen wit is the stuff that camp was made of. And shy, loving, sensitive, chubby, gullible, trusting, and naive brother Theodore was the square peg trying to fit in a round hole that every budding gay man could identify with. And he was probably gay. ‘Cuz only a gay chipmunk would demand to be called Theodore instead of Teddy.

gay xmas 8 4

Sure, if it wasn’t for Lucy I would never have had that gay teenage crush on Desi Arnaz Jr., but that was more about raging hormones than self-identity. Alvin, on the other hand, taught me the importance of being true to yourself. No matter what trouble it caused you. Not to mention how to stuff more in my cheeks than ever seemed possible. So this Christmas raise your glass in a toast to Alvin, the gay icon. Like you need an excuse to have another drink. And if anyone asks, tell ’em you want a hula hoop for Christmas. It’s more subtle than saying that you are a friend of Dorothy, and it won’t be just the guys over the age of sixty who will get your drift.

The 7th Gay of Xmas

19 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ Comments Off on The 7th Gay of Xmas

Huh. Aloha must mean Merry Christmas in Hawaiian too.

Huh. Aloha must mean Merry Christmas in Hawaiian too.

I don’t know about you, but lately its been visions of budding Filipino porn star Ken Ott that’s been dancing in my head and not sugar plums. ‘Cuz I don’t even know what sugar plums are. And the only sugar plum fairy I know of is a rather obese drag queen who’s just a bit too campy for my taste. But since it’s Aloha Friday, and since sugar plums sound suspiciously like crack seed, I thought I’d let Google inform me just what in the hell all the fuss is about sugar plums. And Google sent me to Wikipedia.

Wikipedia too hasn’t a clue. Oh, some troll snuck in an answer. But it’s wrong. Sugar plums have nothing to do with plums, and nothing to do with the fact that plums were once preserved by boiling them in sugar. I’m as right in claiming Noom has a pair of sugar plums hanging between his legs as Wikipedia’s answer is. So it turns out that no one else is quite sure what sugarplums are, despite their fame during the holidays. Kinda like Boxing Day. Everyone’s heard of it, many take the day off as a holiday, but no one can tell you about its origin. I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that considering what is loosely referred to as British cuisine, sugarplums and Boxing Day are both British inventions. Then again, maybe Christmas pudding was a serious enough offense against the holidays that we should let the Brits off on this one.

No problemo. To get to the heart of the matter of what sugar plums are, one only has to go to the source of why most of us associate them with Christmas: Clement Clark Moore’s A Visit from St. Nicholas, aka. Twas the Night Before Christmas, in which the children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. The one thing we all know about children is that they are all greedy little bastards. And nothing exemplifies the spirit of Xmas like greed. So much so the annual Black Friday melee at Walmart should be known as The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.

Nice set of sugar plums, dude.

Nice set of sugar plums, dude.

So let’s harken back to the days of old when the classes were well-defined and well-divided – or as the Republicans refer to them ‘when America was the America I grew up in – and when the world was made up of the haves and the have-nots for a Christmas tale of corporate greed and how it ruined a sweet deal for the job creators of that age. ‘Cuz being a 1%er in those days was an especially plum job.

Being an aristocrat in the 1500s had many advantages. And surely beat the shit out of being poor. Slavery was alive and well, and subjugating conquered people was a popular pastime among the rich. Child labor was just referred to as labor, and the only minimum wage in existence was that the wages of the lower classes were kept to a minimum. Not that any of that has anything to do with sugar plums. I just thought I’d remind you how good things once were. So along with treating the masses as a disposable resource, the rich of the day were constantly striving to find things to set themselves above their fellow man, preferably thanks to the sweat of said fellow man. And one of the sweetest ideas they came up with were sugar plums.

Sugar plums were a type of confectionery. But not just any confectionery. Some poor slob (preferably one you owned) spent several days toiling over a hot oven to make a single batch of sugar plums. They started with a central seed or kernel – caraway seeds, almonds, and cardamom seeds were popular – and laboriously built successive layers of hardened sugar around the seed in a process called panning. Each layer had to be allowed to harden before the next layer of sugar could be applied. The process was slowly continued until the resulting piece of candy was the size of a small plum. Hence the name sugar plum. You’ll note no where in the recipe was an actual plum used. But undoubtedly the sweat of the poor person making them added an entirely new level of sweetness to the candy.

Looks like a sugar plum fairy to me.

Looks like a sugar plum fairy to me.

Obviously, sugar plums were considered a luxury good, and were most likely to be found in an aristocrat’s pocket or served between courses at a rich person’s banquet. So Moore’s children nestled in their beds weren’t just dreaming about candy that they didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever tasting, but of the riches and life of luxury they hoped would one day be their’s. ‘Cuz even if the have-nots never got to try a sugar plum, they all knew what they were (probably because when a 1%er got to that nasty caraway seed in the middle of his he’d spit it out at the closest poor person). Ahhhh. Good times.

As a symbol of the lifestyle of the rich and infamous, sugar plums were quite popular and quickly entered the lexicon of the day. If your ‘mouth was full of sugar plums’, it meant that you spoke sweet but undoubtedly deceitful words. ‘Cuz even the rich don’t trust the rich. And if you ‘stuffed another’s mouth with sugar plums’, that referred to paying someone a bribe. Because they had lobbyists to protect rich people’s interests back then too. Soon everyone shortened the term to plum, and the Brits – ya knew the Brits would come into it sooner or later – used plum as slang for 100 pounds, or more generally, a big pile of moola. Plum eventually came to mean any especially desirable thing: a prize, a choice job, or a station in life. All of which were reserved for the enjoyment of the haves. When it came to plums, the have-nots were plum out of luck.

Now if your face has been turning those funny colors it tends to while you’ve been muttering, “But, but, but . . .” because I started this tale off by claiming your familiarity with sugar plums was due to Moore’s famous Christmas poem about childhood greed, and you are a cultured gay who wants to claim it’s your love of The Nutcracker instead, let’s take a quick look at what is probably Tchaikovsky’s most famous piece of work. in Act Two, the Land of Sweets is ruled by the Sugar Plum Fairy while Prince Coqueluche is out getting a bit of strange on the side. Because that’s what the rich did in those days. It’s also why they came up with the idea of serving wenches. ‘Cuz even among the poor you occasionally ran across fish that was beddable.

The real question of the day is since Tchaikovsky was gay, why did he compose a ballet about some poor dude's nuts getting cracked?

The real question of the day is since Tchaikovsky was gay, why did he compose a ballet about some poor dude’s nuts getting cracked?

So with Chocolate and Candy Cane in the house, you’ve probably wondered why in the hell Sugar Plum got to be head confectionery. Or at least questioned that role when you were not busy checking out the prince’s massive bulge and his lovingly encased taut buttocks. Uh, hello? I just explained that to you. So now can I get back to my tale? Geesh! You ballet gays plum tire me out.

So things were going well, the rich were rich, the poor were getting poorer, and life was sweet thanks to having a sugar plum or two to suck on. But it’s not enough to enjoy the poor getting poorer when you are rich, getting richer has its draw too. And nothing said greater corporate profits in those days than the Industrial Revolution. Thanks to steam heat and mechanized machinery the haves found they could get even more production out of their employees than before without paying them a penny more, and with only the occasional loss of a poor person when he, she, or it (as children were properly referred to in those days) fell into said mechanized machinery. ‘Cuz the socialist hadn’t invented OSHA yet.

Unfortunately that also meant the advent of mechanized rotating pans. And less-skilled workers could now make larger batches of sugar plums more easily. In quantity. At a much lower price. So soon it was sugar plums for all. And not just sugar plums. The falling price of sugar and the invention of labor-saving machinery meant all manner of small candies were heaping up on the confectioner’s counter. That’s how we got M&Ms. And how a once noble confectionery reserved for the enjoyment of the haves became plentiful and available to anyone with a sweet tooth. And once sugar plums were no longer a symbol of success, everyone realized that as a piece of candy, they kinda suck. Which is why no one knows what they are, or were, today.

No more sugar plums to be had? I'm sure you can find something else to suck on for the holidays.

No more sugar plums to be had? I’m sure you can find something else to suck on for the holidays.

Now you’d think the moral of this story is the danger of corporate greed and how it can lead to the loss of entitlements almost as valuable as profits. But the real lesson here is that when you have something sweet that the masses can’t afford to enjoy you need to sneak a law banning them from its use into an unrelated piece of has-to-be-passed legislation. Like a appropriations bill. Or the federal budget. Like Congress just did to repeal the Dodd-Frank derivatives rule that was supposed to isolate risky trading of those financial instruments that played a major role in the 2008 financial crisis when we broke the world’s economy from parts of a bank eligible for a government bailout. Or to put it another way, when you spend $1.5 million per day to buy influence in Washington, you can expect a few juicy plums to fall your way. Hee, hee, hee. Oooops, my bad. I meant ho, ho, ho.

The 6th Gay of Xmas

18 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ 2 Comments

It's not how the red suit goes on but how the red suit comes off.

It’s not how the red suit goes on but how the red suit comes off.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me . . .
Well, of course Ebola is on everyone’s Xmas list this year, but if you too want to avoid ever having to spend the holidays with your dysfunctional family again, let’s not forget all the other holiday traditions that could mean it’s your last. According to those who concern themselves with such things, or just take a less than stellar view of what makes their holidays merry, more than 80,000 people get the unwanted present of a trip to hospital during the 12 days of Christmas. And that includes 6,000 on Christmas Day itself. Probably not the ho, ho ,ho they were hoping for. So here’s a few things in addition to fruitcake that you should watch out for to insure your silent night isn’t a permanent one.

Holly.
Huh. I always thought it was “deck the halls with balls of holly”. Guess even as a child learning Xmas carols my future was preordained. And if you want any future at all, keep holly away in the manger this holiday season. Its leaves, bark, seeds, and especially its berries contain the deadly poison theobromine. Sure it is one of the many symbols of Christmas and comes in pretty (if prickly) green and red colors too, but according to biomedical sciences consultant Anne Marie Helmenstine, Ph.D., eating as few as 20 of its berries can kill you. On the other hand, if someone you detest invites you to their Xmas party your homemade holly fruitcake recipe might just be what the doctor ordered.

Mistletoe.
If you can’t find any holly for your hated ones holiday dinner table, mistletoe will do the trick too. It just acts slower. Which, I guess, could be a good thing if you prefer the painful death of others to be drawn out. Serves the bastard right for dumping you, huh? So while kissing under the mistletoe is good, kissing the plant itself ain’t. Ingested, it can cause blurred vision, nausea, stomach pains, vomiting, sudden weakness, and last but hardly least, death.

Pssst. Want some mistletoe little boy?

Pssst. Want some mistletoe little boy?

Mistletoe II.
Speaking of the kiss of death, there’s a danger associated with trading saliva under the mistletoe too. And not just that you may be forced to kiss someone you’d rather not. Like your 80-year-old aunt who slips you tongue every year. Thanks to all of that letting it snow, baby it’s cold outside during the holidays. And that means cold, flu, and other nasty little bugs being passed from one loved one to another. Treat mistletoe as you do sex. Safety first and if your intended refuses to wear protection, find someone else to smooch.

Air Travel.
I’d quote you the odds of reaching your final destination from flying, but the real danger is not the plane but all those strangers you are flying with, many of whom are sick and more than willing to share whatever they got. There are no regulations about disinfecting seat-back trays between flights on planes. Or restrooms. Which means both are some of the most germ-laden places above the earth. So if you need a good excuse for why you can’t fly home to be with your biological family this holiday . . .

Santa Claus.
The reason Santa’s belly jiggles like a bowlful of jelly is that he’s about to throw up. A survey of members of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (AORBS) – an organization you probably didn’t know existed but which proves there are some things worse than death – has found that Santa is sneezed or coughed on up to 10 times a day. So little Johnny gets to sit on Santa’s lap, but as well as his present he gets H1N1 influenza. Which, since we’re talking about ill and dying children ain’t no big thing. But when Santa gets infected he passes those germs on to everyone else in his NAMBLA chapter, and sooner or latter one of those sickos is gonna show up at your favorite gay bar ‘cuz they like to hide there. Obviously, the answer here is to avoid Santa. Or nuke the hell out of Sunee Plaza.

Thinking of giving a necktie as a gift this Christmas? Think again. According to Tae-sub Chung, M.D., of South Korea’s Gangnam Severance Hospital, if you wear a necktie, “you'll have less blood flow in the jugular vein, as well as in the carotid artery.” This can lead to glaucoma and eventual blindness, and increased odds of contracting arteriosclerosis. “In severe cases, you could have a stroke,” he warns. Huh. Maybe a tie is the perfect Christmas gift after all.

Thinking of giving a necktie as a gift this Christmas? Think again. According to Tae-sub Chung, M.D., of South Korea’s Gangnam Severance Hospital, if you wear a necktie, “you’ll have less blood flow in the jugular vein, as well as in the carotid artery.” This can lead to glaucoma and eventual blindness, and increased odds of contracting arteriosclerosis. “In severe cases, you could have a stroke,” he warns. Huh. Maybe a tie is the perfect Christmas gift after all.

Eating.
Did you know most people gain an average of 6 pounds in the nine days between Christmas Eve and New Year’s? Not that it matters. ‘Cuz most also eat their daily recommended calorie intake by 2pm on Christmas Day. And many consume 7,000 calories by the end of the day. Who knew McDonalds was open on Xmas? Pigging out for the holidays can increase your blood pressure, and the added stress can combine to make the perfect storm for a heart attack; the number of heart-related deaths increases by 5 percent over the holidays. And that’s not even counting those who get surprised when the trick they met on Grindr shows up looking nothing like his photo.

Heart Attacks II.
Many hospitals report December 26th as the busiest day of the year. That’s because so many people don’t want to ruin the festivities on Xmas by asking someone to dial 911 and rush them to Emergency. So when they first start feeling unwell, they wait a day to see a doctor. Only to discover Santa brought them a heart attack for Christmas. And the results of delaying treatment when you’ve had a heart attack is enough to give you a heart attack.

Eating II.
It takes a lot of concentration to pack away 7,000 calories in one day, but death can become you even quicker if someone cracks a joke while you are doing so. As funny as it is when your joke makes wine run out of a dining companion’s nose, laughing while ingesting food is a choking hazard. So keep the levity away from your Christmas dinner table. But don’t get too serious. ‘Cuz crying while eating has the same effect.

While you are having a nice time playing naughty this holiday season, remember to play safe. That means agreeing on a safe word first, knowing where the handcuff keys are kept, and insisting all toys are properly disinfected between uses. 'Cuz no one wants the gift of one of your STDs for Christmas you 'ho, 'ho, 'ho.

While you are having a nice time playing naughty this holiday season, remember to play safe. That means agreeing on a safe word first, knowing where the handcuff keys are kept, and insisting all toys are properly disinfected between uses. ‘Cuz no one wants the gift of one of your STDs for Christmas you ‘ho, ‘ho, ‘ho.

And just when you thought it was safe to go into the water again, these are the most often recorded reasons people show up at the hospital instead of at Grandma’s house during the holidays:

Parents stabbing themselves with scissors they have grabbed instead of screwdrivers to assemble toys;

People cutting themselves with knives which they are using to open presents too quickly;

Children falling off rocking horses or smashing new bikes into walls;

Tripping over toys and trailing cables in the rush to try out new computers and other appliances;

Gravy exploding in microwave ovens, hot fat spilled on the cook as they try to grapple with a big turkey and nasty cuts when chopping piles of vegetables;

Tipsy party guests toppling down stairs or crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table.

The 5th Gay of Xmas

17 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ Comments Off on The 5th Gay of Xmas

Tags

That's Gay

Guess what Santa has in his sack for you.

Guess what Santa has in his sack for you.

Remember back on the first gay of Christmas when I told ya there are worse things than a fruitcake to grace your holiday table? No? Well, remember that hot naked Asian guy’s photo I posted on the first gay of Christmas? Yeah, well, there was some text on the page too, some of which sounded that warning. Now you’d think since I already covered just how stupid and disgusting the traditional tie-in of nuts at the holidays is, I’d have already addressed this subject. But at least with nuts there’s still a few good holiday puns to be made. Months old fermented birds, not so much. But that’s what the folks in Greenland’s version of kim chee is. And it’s their way of saying Merry Christmas.

Ya don’t wanna know what they do to wish you a Happy New Year.

Like durian, kiviak is usually eaten outside to prevent smelling up the home for weeks. And like crawfish many sing the praises of biting off the birds’ heads and then sucking out the juices inside. And like you, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Which one has to assume is much like what kiviak tastes like. ‘Cuz it’s not just ripe, raw, fermented birds. It’s uncooked seal carcass juices too. Which I believe is also one of the ingredients used in making fruitcake. So the ho, ho, ho is on you.

While kiviak has not yet shown up in a basket on Chopped, the recipe for the traditional dish is pretty cut and dried. You start with about 500 auks ( a small local bird) and sew them inside of the hollowed-out body cavity of a seal – beaks, feathers, feet and all. Then seal the carcass with seal grease to prevent spoilage (wink, wink). And finally cover the dead bag of raw meat with a large rock for anywhere from 3 to 18 months (7 being the lucky number). Note that one of those two ingredients is auk and not eider, which some novice cooks attempted to use back in 2013 instead; the eider didn’t ferment as well and several people died from botulism poisoning. Although they probably were luckier than those who got served seconds.

I couldn't find the right naked Santa photo for this post but thought Psy done up for the holidays might just be repulsive enough to do the trick.

I couldn’t find the right naked Santa photo for this post but thought Psy done up for the holidays might just be repulsive enough to do the trick.

While the kiviak stews buried under rocks, the seal’s fat acts as a tenderizer and preservative, which eventually allows the birds to be eaten raw, including the bones. In fact, everything but the feathers are consumed. Although pungent, not to mention repulsive, reportedly kiviak tastes like Stilton cheese. And smells like someone cut the cheese. While a traditional Christmas treat, kiviak isn’t just for the holidays. It’s also served to celebrate weddings and birthdays too. ‘Cuz you can never get enough fermented bird in seal juices. And now ya know what to take to that holiday potluck dinner at your favorite lesbians’ house this year.

← Older posts

THE BEST IN THAILAND:

gay massage in Pattaya

GUIDED NIGHT TOURS BKK

gay nightlife bangkok

4 hours SAUNA TOUR

gay sauna bangkok

Index By Category:

  • Dancing With the Devil (376)
    • Gay Gogo Bar First Timers Guide (12)
    • I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy (128)
    • Tales Of The Big Mango (18)
      • The Boys In The Bar (18)
    • The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars (94)
  • Gay Thailand (202)
    • Bangkok’s Best Hotels For The Gay Guy (3)
    • Blogs & Message Boards (167)
      • Blogs (19)
      • Gay Thailand Message Boards (102)
        • Songkran ‘14 Special Report (11)
      • Sunday Funnies (90)
    • Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts (13)
  • It's A Gay World (1,178)
    • Gay of the Week (24)
    • Holiday Gift Guide (14)
    • Out This Week (19)
    • Photo Of The Week (21)
    • Smells Like Science (66)
    • The 12 Gays of Xmas (54)
  • Nude Dudes (1,405)
    • Absolutely Thursdays (110)
    • Aloha Friday (59)
    • End of the Week (181)
    • Eye Candy (141)
    • Hump Day Is Bump Day (58)
    • iPhone Fridays (107)
    • Jocks (59)
    • Monday Meat (54)
    • Monday Muscle (112)
    • Moving Pictures (34)
    • Selfies Sunday (57)
    • Stay In Bed Sundays (106)
    • Take It Off Thursday (56)
    • Tighty Whitey Tuesday (106)
    • Twinky Tuesday (56)
    • Wednesday Wetness (108)
  • Thailand Travel Tips and Tales (309)
    • Bangkok's Skytrain For Dummies (5)
    • Buddhism 101 (11)
    • First Timers Guide To Shopping In Bangkok (7)
    • Sex Break (11)
    • Tales (30)
    • This Is Thailand . . . (45)
    • Tips (143)
    • Top Ten Bangkok Experiences (9)
    • Wats of Thailand (42)
  • The Road To Rio (1)
  • The XVII Asiad (26)
  • The XXII Gays of The Winter Olympics (22)
  • Travel Commentary & Photography (294)
    • Travel Commentary (20)
    • Travel Photography (274)
      • 7 Shots (20)
      • Bali (10)
      • Bangkok (70)
      • Cambodia (28)
      • Chiang Mai (49)
      • Luang Prabang (17)
      • Malaysia (11)
      • Monk Shot! (70)
      • Phuket (2)
      • Ubiquitous Plastic Stool Shot! (36)
  • Travel Tales from Beyond Thailand (40)
    • Bali (2)
    • Bora Bora (1)
    • California (1)
    • Cambodia (13)
    • Hawaii (4)
    • Hong Kong (3)
    • Laos (9)
    • Malaysia (2)
    • Mexico (1)
    • New Orleans (1)
    • Singapore (1)
  • XXX Games (71)
  • Recent Posts
  • Good-bye Bangkokbois
  • Selfies Sunday #59
  • End Of The Week #186
  • Say, "Cheese!"
  • naked island dudeAloha Friday #59
  • TIT: The Times They Are A-Changin'
  • nude asian dudeTake It Off Thursday #59
  • Photo Of The Week #23
  • nude asian dudeHump Day Is Bump Day #59
  • The Road To Rio: Going For The Lin
  • naked asian twinkTwinky Tuesday #59
  • I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Eyes Wide Shut

Favorite Travel Tales:

Ad
The 7 Shot Rule

Ad
Angkor Wat: Still Life in the Still Life

Ad
Old Fisher Guy

Ad
Ideas That Don't Travel Well

Tags

And And More! Attractions Bangkok Bangkokbois Beachball Blogs Cambodia Chiang Mai Coming Out Gay Bangkok Gay GoGo Bars Gay Thailand Gay Thailand Forums Hong Kong Hotels and Restaurants Ladyboys Luang Prabang Malaysia & Indonesia & Singapore Markets & Shopping Money Matters Monks Movies & Television Muay Thai Nude Dudes Offs Olympics Photography Phuket Scams Stupid Tourist Tricks Tawan Bar That's That's Gay Tip of the Hat Awards Transportation Turtle Ass Awards Wats Yi Peng

FAVORITE GAY THAILAND STORIES:

Ad
In Search of Love, Money, or a Big Dick

Ad
Tony The Tiger

Ad
A Night At Nature Boy

Ad
I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: The Day The Music Died

POPULAR POSTS:

The XXX Games: Naked Olympic Athletes Celebrate The London Games

Gay of the Week: Channing Tatum (and his penis)

This Just Not In: Joe Manganiello’s Penis Is Really, Really Small

Nude Thai Boxing

Gay Of The Week: Two Samoan Men And A Penis

First Timers Guide To Bangkok Gay Gogo Bars

First Timers Guide To Shopping In Bangkok: Part II - Pratunam Market

Sex In The Locker Room: A Not So Straight Man’s Fanttasy

Bangkok’s Tawan Bar: Muscle Men Central

Gay Of The Week: Dakota Cochrane (And The UFC)

THE XXX GAMES:

PICTORIAL INDEX TO BANGKOK GAY GOGO BAR FIRST TIMERS GUIDES

PICTORIAL INDEX TO BUDDHISM 101 ARTICLES:

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Buddhism

PICTORIAL INDEX TO I FELL IN LOVE WITH A BAR BOY POSTS

The XXII Gays of The Winter Olympics

PICTORIAL INDEX TO THE BOYS IN THE BAR TALES

The 17th Asian Games of the Asiad

Archives

  • February 2016 (1)
  • April 2015 (22)
  • March 2015 (58)
  • February 2015 (54)
  • January 2015 (52)
  • December 2014 (66)
  • November 2014 (39)
  • October 2014 (45)
  • September 2014 (74)
  • August 2014 (52)
  • July 2014 (57)
  • June 2014 (55)
  • May 2014 (56)
  • April 2014 (65)
  • March 2014 (53)
  • February 2014 (75)
  • January 2014 (55)
  • December 2013 (67)
  • November 2013 (53)
  • October 2013 (48)
  • September 2013 (56)
  • August 2013 (61)
  • July 2013 (55)
  • June 2013 (64)
  • May 2013 (63)
  • April 2013 (63)
  • March 2013 (65)
  • February 2013 (62)
  • January 2013 (59)
  • December 2012 (81)
  • November 2012 (63)
  • October 2012 (73)
  • September 2012 (70)
  • August 2012 (98)
  • July 2012 (99)
  • June 2012 (73)
  • May 2012 (73)
  • April 2012 (71)
  • March 2012 (77)
  • February 2012 (64)
  • January 2012 (72)
  • December 2011 (52)
  • November 2011 (44)
  • October 2011 (43)
  • September 2011 (38)
  • August 2011 (40)
  • July 2011 (38)
  • June 2011 (40)
  • May 2011 (37)
  • April 2011 (39)
  • March 2011 (62)
  • February 2011 (54)

Recent Comments

  • Mrjorie on Monday Meat #5
  • Mrjorie on Aloha Friday #59
  • joy on Monday Meat #5
  • gray-haired boy by the sea on Good-bye Bangkokbois
  • Joey on Aloha Friday #29
  • ok on The 10 Bar Boys You’ll Off In Bangkok
  • Jon on How Do You Say Humongous In Sudanese?
  • Jon on The 2nd Gayest Thing You’ll Ever Put In Your Mouth
  • Jon on The 2nd Gayest Thing You’ll Ever Put In Your Mouth
  • Jon on Getting A Straight Boy to Go Gay
  • Joe on Bangkok’s Tawan Bar: Muscle Men Central
  • Robert Alvarez on Pictures That Move Me #2
  • Robert Alvarez on Can’t You See I’m Busy?
  • Daddy_lover on Bangkok’s Tawan Bar: Muscle Men Central
  • dookie on Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar First Timers’ Guide Part V
  • Raven Starre on The Elephant Experience in Thailand
  • david hopkins on Good-bye Bangkokbois
  • Andi Cheok on Good-bye Bangkokbois
  • e. sexton on The XXX Games: Naked Olympic Athletes Celebrate The London Games
  • Ryan Billingsley on Gay Of The Week: Thomas Finchum Wants To Be Top But Settles For A Three-Way
Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

  • Log in
  • Entries RSS
  • Comments RSS
  • WordPress.org

Proudly powered by WordPress Theme: Chateau by Ignacio Ricci.