Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall: A Salute To The Chakri Dynasty

18 Wednesday Feb 2015

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Having grown up watching Gilligan’s Island, the idea of a three hour tour always leaves me a bit anxious. But when Noom shows an interest in something beyond shopping, I tend to set my worries aside and just be happy my wallet gets to take a break. Such was the case after a quasi-business trip to Khaosan Road, the subsequent hassle in finding an open taxi, and Noom’s sudden realization that it was close enough to feeding time to stop off at his favorite pad thai restaurant. No problemo. It’s not exactly a short hike from the backpacker ghetto to the far side of Wat Ratchanadda where our early lunch awaited, but it is a shady walk down Ratcha Damnoen Klang Road. At least it was until Noom came to an abrupt stop and uttered that fateful cry, “Oh!”

We’d driven and walked past the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall many times in the past without incident. This time, maybe it was the lack of store windows to shop and a stomach that wasn’t quite growling yet that combined to entice him with the thought of spending our afternoon in a museum. Then again Noom is Thai. And he loves anything and everything about his culture. Even when it’s more about propaganda than tradition. But at a mere 100 baht, who was I to argue with his choice of historical record?

The Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall isn’t just a museum, it’s an interactive museum. But also being a museum run by the Thai government, your interaction is strictly controlled. Mindless wandering from exhibit to exhibit is not allowed. Because in Thailand we take guided tours. Which is where my anxiety about taking the three hour version came into play. But it coulda been worse. There’s a six hour version too. And with scheduling, the word is taking both could make you feel just like Gilligan (or Lovey Howell for you queens) stuck on an uncharted island with no apparent means of escape.

Officially the tour takes two hours. Or four. There are two ‘routes’ and you can choose to take one or both (for the same admission fee). But being a Thai museum run by the Thai government and billed as a Thai cultural experience, Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall runs on Thai time. So it all depends on how the tour schedule works out with your arrival time. First, there’s an introductory video that starts every fifteen minutes. Then your first two hour tour, which begin every 20 minutes. And then if you opt for the full experience, there’s the additional delay waiting for Part II to start. So not counting time spent at the coffee shop, checking out the views from the Observation Deck, or your boy du jour’s obligatory stop at the gift shop, plan on six hours for the full set of tours, or three hours for the single tour. But just remember that too was all that Gilligan thought he’d signed up for.

Now between almost a full day of sightseeing in one building and the fact that despite billing itself as an interactive learning center the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall is still a museum, you might be thinking: pass. And I don’t blame you. But somewhere between my bitching about being forced to take a guided tour, the length of the tour(s), the 1,000 baht deposit for the English language audio guide, the sometimes juvenile displays, and having how wonderful the royals of Thailand are for the country shoved down my throat, I actually began to enjoy myself. And Noom loved it from the get-go. Even with all the bitching I was doing.

From strictly a time best spent view, I’d almost want to tell you to go with your first instincts and give it a pass if you are only in town for a few days. But the info and displays on the Grand Palace alone would make your subsequent visit to that attraction much more rewarding. And while some of the interactive technology displays appear to have been constructed by The Professor from what he could find on the island, others are pretty damn cool. One, while you are sitting down watching a 4D-multimedia video (replete with scent and sensory effects), is actually an elevator that raises you to the next floor. Whodathunk a museum could actually be fun?

The museum is divided into nine ‘halls’ each focusing on a different aspect of Thai history/culture. The Grandeur Rattanakosin Room is mostly Chakri dynasty hype, but that segues into the Prestige of the Kingdom Room with interactive displays and scale models of the Grand Palace. You get to see the Emerald Buddha in not one but three different costumes (and all three are of a better view than you’ll get actually visiting the green guy), and the explanation of the meanings behind all the architectural details of the place is fascinating. It also provides glimpses into parts of the palace not usually accessible to the public.

In the Remarkable Entertainments Hall, a panoramic view of the olden days of Siam with traditional Thai entertainment spectacles involves you in the country’s performing arts, such as the masked Khon dance, lakhon plays, the Thai silk industry, fruit carving, and puppet shows – and yeah, you get to play with the puppets. Then it’s back to how cool it is to be royalty in the Renowned Ceremonies Room, a cinema-like hall with comfortable couch seating where you get to watch a king’s coronation ceremony. The Royal Barge Procession and the Royal Ploughing Ceremony are covered here too. Less all about the Chakri clan, the Impressive Communities Hall brings the different trade streets to life, from the monk’s bowl village of Baan Bat to the foodie lanes than run alongside the city’s canals.

I was hoping the Colorful Thai Way of Living Hall might include some interactive experience with Soi Twilight, but no such luck. Which may have had something to do with it being Noom’s favorite room. Not quite The Pirates of the Caribbean, after a brief look into to life at riverside you take a trip down the river (animated on a 3D multimedia screen) in your own boat (okay, it’s more of a cart, but go with the flow) whose movements stimulate a wild ride on the river. Then, before you get wet, the screen changes into a view of the old city and your boat becomes a tram while you ride down the first paved road in Thailand.

This was the most interactive room. You got to bop your heart out on a dance floor from the ’60s, try out some vintage costumes, and even have your photo superimposed on the cover of a magazine. It ends with a ride on the BTS, which is a good segue into the Sight – Seeing Highlights exhibit which features all the stuff you could have done in town instead of having visited the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.

That too was a popular exhibit for Noom. It’s mostly done in cartoons. And they take photos of you when you enter the room so that during the presentation your face shows up in parts of the display. Thankfully, unlike in many museums photography is allowed. So Noom has lots of shots of himself enjoying his day at the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.

(The Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.is open Tuesday through Friday from 11am to 8pm, and on Saturday and Sunday from 10am to 8pm. The last tour begins at 6pm, but consider going later in the day ‘cuz the views of the surrounding area – including the Loha Prasat, Wat Ratchanadda, and the Golden Mount are even more spectacular when lit at night.)

Penis Power In Thailand: The Legends Of Phra Nang Cave

05 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

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Attractions, Gay Thailand

Towering mounds of hard limestone thrusting into the sky ain’t the only reason visitors to Phra Nang Beach have penis on their minds.

While these days Thailand’s southern beach areas are best known for dead tourists, not-so-dead wood too awaits the more adventurous travelers. And since there are only so many illegal Burmese immigrants around to blame your local troubles on, the authorities on Krabi recently devoted a day’s efforts to cleaning up the island’s most troublesome hot spot. ‘Cuz rumor had it that some of those damn farang – who are almost as good as Burmese for finger-pointing – had been filling the local phallic shrine with dildos.

Thanks to Thailand being as sybaritic as it is religious, Phra Nang Cave – aka the Princess Cave – should be on every budding queen’s must-see list when holidaying on Krabi. Located on the far end of Phra Nang Beach, the cave is a shrine to an Indian princess who was killed in a shipwreck. Or she was the wife of a local fisherman who was lost at sea. I’m not sure how the legend of a dead princess and one about a dead fisherman’s wife who lived out the rest of her lonely days in the cave pining for her husband’s return managed to become intertwined and confused, but then since the result is hundreds of dicks who really cares?

Come to think about it, I’m not too sure how either legend ends up being about safety on the seas or getting knocked up either. But along with those two stories comes those two beliefs. Or you can combine them, kinda, sorta, and claim the shrine is where local fishermen go to pray for success with their day’s catch. Which doesn’t explain how having good luck with fish translates to dick either. Other than that some claim Phra Nang Cave resembles a vagina. But since the one thing everyone can agree on is that the only use for a vagina is sticking a dick or two in it . . .

According to local legend, this is what a vagina look like. Now aren’t you glad you avoid those things?

Which, at least, helps explain yet another local legend that claims if anyone carves a wooden dick and releases it at high tide anywhere along the Krabi coast, it will eventually end up in Phra Nang Cave. There’s a penis tie-in to yet another legend surrounding the cave too, which says that if a person enters the cave with a good heart, food will drop down from the cave roof to feed them. But if they enter with a bad heart, a great wind will usher from the cave and blow them tumbling to the other end of the beach. Not that Phra Nang Cave is the only place in Thailand you can get a blow job. Even, occasionally, a legendary one. In any case, that’s a lot of legends. And a lot of dick. Both of which the locals are generally in favor of. Farang dick, not so much. Which is why officers with the Noppharat Thara National Park and beach guards recently spent a sweaty day diligently searching the cave for foreign dick. But before we get to the meat of that story, let’s look at another not so legendary one.

Phra Nang Beach, with its beautiful white sand contrasting with the emerald expanse of the Andaman Sea has been called the second most beautiful beach in the world. Thanks to the massive limestone cliffs which block any possibility of making a road to the spot, the only way to get to the spectacular little bit of paradise is by boat. So back in the mid 1990s, The Dusit Group, Thailand’s premier resort chain, decided the only way you could improve on the pristine beauty of heaven was by building a 5-star, exclusive, $1,000 per night, 100 pavilion hotel. So, once again, we’re talking about dicks.

Ignoring every legend they’d heard of, not to mention a few hundred wooden penises, construction of the resort plodded along smoothly until the night before the grand opening when some of the construction workers decided to have a little Mekong whisky party in the Phra Nang Cave. Reportedly, the workers were from Isaan in the northeast part of Thailand, which is almost as good as illegal Burmese immigrants when you need someone to blame for a catastrophe. Which is usually the outcome of any Mekong whisky party. And in this case, the outcome was a fire that torched the penis shrine (that the diminutive workers burned the gigantic penises in a fit of jealousy is more of a rumor than legend).

Because nothing says tropical paradise like a 5-star resort, welcome to the Rayavadee.

Forget what you’ve heard about the dangers of a woman scorned, because that ain’t nothing compared to the ire of a few hundred penises scorched. While the Issan workers will still trying to decide which of their crew looked most like a Burmese, thanks to their whiskey-infused bonfire a local woman on the other side of the peninsula became possessed by a spirit and began babbling in tongues. Locals claimed Phra Nang’s spirit had take over the woman’s body, pissed about her shrine being destroyed. One of the tongues she babbled in must have been Thai ‘cuz the word went out that Phra Nang – undoubtedly because she couldn’t pronounce Myanmar – said, “The people who do this have the big house, but soon everything come down.”

Quicker than you can say Palad Khik (which is what Thais call wood dildos used as an offering at phallic shrines) word spread of the return of Phra Nang and the dastardly deeds of the Dusit Group. Hundreds of Thais gathered in protest in front of the Dusit Thani Hotel in Bangkok demanding the government stop the Dusit Rayavadee from “trespassing on Krabi’s national park.” Which probably would have been more effective at ground-breaking than grand-opening, but then that woulda meant the loss of lots of local jobs. The Dusit Group responded, showing how much the Thai peoples’ will meant to them, by rolling out a red carpet down Phra Nang Beach to the waterline amidst the sound of champagne bottle corks popping to welcome the hotel’s first guests arriving by hydrofoil jet ferry from Phuket. Phra Nang was not amused.

Pop, pop, pop went the bubbly on the beach. And then bam, pow, kaboom went the hotel’s generator, exploding and shooting flames into the sky in what appeared to be a volcanic eruption. That’s what happens when you mess with a goddess’ penises. And with no backup system to power the resort’s air-conditioners or to recharge foreign-made dildos packed away in guests’ suitcases, the hotel’s inaugural batch of the rich and famous were escorted back to the boat for a hasty retreat back to Phuket.

The last thing you want, as the Dusit Group learned, is an angry local spirit having a hard-on for you.

The Dusit Group’s PR department immediately went to work to prove their not-so-grand opening was merely a badly timed glitch rather than a curse and after bringing in a new generator ordered a large cement spirit house to be ceremoniously built in the cave with the sacrificial offering of a goat to not appease Phra Nang’s spirit, wink, wink. But the goddess didn’t want goat, she wanted penis. And that night, a Thai woman who worked at one of the bungalows was possessed by a spirit. Once again. ‘Cuz Thais will beat a curse to death just like they do a good joke.

Whether you believe in local superstitions or not, the locals do. Management of the Rayavadee awoke the next morning to find many of its employees ready to call it quits. Which kinda puts a dampener on holding a grand opening even when you’ve already held a trial one that didn’t go quite as planned. Bowing to the inevitable, and recognizing that when your heart is set on penis nothing else will do, the Dusit Group directed their remaining staff to spend the day in Phra Nang Cave carving replacement phalluses to turn Phra Nang’s frown upside down. which should have put an end to Phra Nang’s curse on the Rayavadee, but considering since then Gwyneth Paltrow has stayed at the resort . . .

Today, local fisherman and boatmen leave offerings in Phra Nang cave to ensure safe travel on the sea. Or to find true love. Or to get their wife pregnant. Or to have a successful day fishing. Not that it really matters ‘cuz unless they make their pilgrimage at the break of dawn they can’t get near the cave thanks to all the touri who want to take a selfie among the hundreds of erect penises, many vividly painted, many sporting colorful pieces of cloth. And a few far too realistic looking and made of silicone. Which doesn’t bother Phra Nang, but did piss off local authorities after a photo of an adult sex toy sitting in the cave appeared on-line (uh, that’d be a dildo and not Gwyneth Paltrow).

Wood penis good, silicone penis bad, trade-ins not allowed.

After a long, hard, sweaty day of thrusting themselves deeply into the dark, moist cave, the officers found the culprit: a single dong-shaped offering which the local media described as “a large, pink faded sex toy”. “We believe it was left there by a tourist who doesn’t really understand local beliefs,” said Komart Paenkerd, who works for the Krabi Provincial Cultural Office, adding, “Since antiquity, it is believed by locals that putting wooden Palad khik penis carvings in the cave will evoke the spirit of Phra Nang and ensure that you find true love.” So wood penis good, silicone penis bad. And any penis equals true love. Which is a legend I can get behind.

But let’s leave the last word to Khun Paenkerd. “I would like to inform tourists that sex toys are inappropriate as an offering,” he said. “Locals worship the spirit of Phra Nang with hardwood only.”

And that is as it should be.

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You Khan Toke A Boy Out Of The Bar, But Can’t Take The Thai Out Of A Bar Boy

25 Tuesday Nov 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

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Attractions, Chiang Mai, Hotels and Restaurants

Old doesn’t necessarily mean ancient although a night spent at one of Chiang Mai’s khan toke dinner shows will make your body feel that way.

On our first visit to Chiang Mai, (Noom’s first ever) to really enjoy the experience Noom decided he needed to go local. With a passion. Or at least what he envisioned the rural people of the north considered local. It was early in our relationship and the first time I got to see how he pursues an idea with a singular intense of purpose. We spent an entire evening at the Sunday Night Market roaming from stall to stall as he assembled his ‘northern Thailand’ wardrobe. Despite money being no object – meaning I didn’t object to the money he was spending out of my wallet – at each stall he’d haggle his little ass off, and then more often than not would walk away knowing he could get a better price somewhere just up the road. Hours later, with the market closing, on our way back through the market he ended up stopping at some of those same stalls to make his purchases. No problemo. By the end of our outing he had his outfit for our stay.

I’m not sure if those who live in and around Chiang Mai would consider a white cotton pair of fisherman pants to be part of their traditional wardrobe. Or the matching white shirt with a high Chinese collar. The sandals he may have gotten right. Even if I noticed most locals just went with rubber flip-flops. But the important thing was that Noom was happy. And much like a child with a new toy couldn’t resist wearing his new outfit to bed that night. Which didn’t make me any too happy. I tried using a bit of logic instead of just whining about his lack of nudity, telling him that if he slept in his new Northern Thailand clothes they’d be wrinkled for tomorrow’s wearing. He agreed. And then told me that would make them look more authentic. I made a mental note to only buy him sexy underwear in the future.

But part of the fun of that trip was that I’d told him he could decide everything we would do.; And then got busy filling in all the hours he couldn’t come up with an activity for. I shoulda figured after the fisherman pant outfit his knowledge of the northern part of his country was limited at best. But he didn’t completely crap out. He had one idea, one which he saved as a surprise. And he spent a few days surreptitiously gathering info, then telling me how much money he needed to arrange what he would only refer to as ‘you surprise’. And when the big night arrived, surprised I was.

Have I ever mentioned before how much I don’t like surprises?

The Thai food is elevated by a khantoke, in height if not in palatability.

Finding ourselves in Chiang Mai once again, this time with my recently acquired boyfriend, Noom decided that Dave too needed to experience the authentic Northern Thailand. Having become much more familiar with Noom’s mode of operations, when he told me I knew there would be no denying his plan. Except for the surprise part. Out for the day, when Noom made one of his frequent pit stops to water a fire hydrant, I pulled Dave aside and gave him the 411.

“Tonight we’re going to a Khan Toke dinner show. It’s kinda like one of those luaus they put on for tourists back in Hawaii. Bad food, bad native dancing, and you’ll suffer through a bad back tomorrow ‘cuz you have to sit on the floor throughout your meal. But Noom has his heart set on showing off his native land to you so we have no choice.”

“You’ve been to one of these things before?

“Sad to say, yes.”

“And it really sucks?”

“Worse than what I’ve already told you.”

“And you didn’t tell him it sucked?”

“That would have hurt his feelings.”

“So now I have to suffer through it too, just because you didn’t have the balls to tell him how much you hated it your first time?”

“Yeah, but we can stop at McDonalds afterwards so we’re not starving all night. Shhhh, here he comes. You have to act surprised.”

“No what I have to act is like I have a slight case of dysentery and can’t leave the hotel tonight.”

“Um, I think the one we’re going to has elephant rides too.”

“Liar.”

On the plus side, there is no such thing as a good or bad table at a Khan Toke dinner show. ‘Cuz there are no tables.

The khan toke dinner is a tradition among Lanna people dating way back in history. To the mid 1950s. The khantoke itself – a pedestal tray used as a small dining table – is a bit older. It was used for special meals and celebrations when eating off the floor was just too common. You’ve probably seen towers of different sized khantokes in handicraft shops at stalls around Thailand and possibly thought one would make a good cake pedestal. After spending an evening at a khan toke dinner and cultural show, you’ll probably think khantokes should only be used as cake pedestals. But hey, almost anything beats having your dinner served on the floor.

Because being original has never been a Thai trait, there are several places around Chiang Mai that put on khan toke dinners for the masses. Aficionados claim the best is at the Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center, located at the edge of the city about a 5 minute ride from the center of Chiang Mai. You can book your excursion almost everywhere in Chiang Mai, and most come with a free bus ride to and from the event. Personally I suggest arriving in your own private tuk tuk. It will help prepare your body for the torture to come.

Once at the Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center your evening begins with instructions to remove your shoes before being led to your not-a-table (also known as the floor), not because of any religious reasons as with visiting a wat but because it’d be rude to be tracking in dirt on the carpeting where your fellow diners will be grazing. Once you figure out how to lower yourself to the floor without looking like you’re falling off a bar stool, there are stacked, triangular shaped ‘pillows’ to rest against. Fortunately, before your food is served you’re given the opportunity to try those pillows out. And once you realize they tend to slip across the carpeting when you put your weight on them, you’ll find a new position that allows you to remain in one spot.

The show’s eye candy is far too over-dressed. But Wait! Are those fisherman pants?

As soon as the serving staff sees that you are not slipping into some other waitperson’s section, your food will arrive. You’ll note I didn’t mention menus. That’s because it’s a fixed meal. And while some refer to it as a buffet, it ain’t. Your not-a-table gets the same food as everyone else’s. If you arrived early (so that means you were not accompanied by a Thai) you may get seconds. If you are lucky. Or not. If you are even luckier.

The food comes in small bowls and fills your group’s khantoke. There is fried chicken, Burmese pork curry, fried pork skins, fried bananas, rice, not-fried vegetables, and some chili paste so that what you choose to eat has at least a bit of flavor. The best part of the meal is that if you go traditional, you get to eat it with your fingers. And the five second rule is extended by three seconds since any food you drop takes less time to hit the floor. Now aren’t you glad they made everyone take off their shoes?

Oh. And you get a fruit platter at the end of your meal too. Plus all the booze you can drink. As long as you are willing to pay for it. As you go. Because the price of your ticket doesn’t include alcohol even though getting wasted is a tradition among tourists that dates back even further than the traditional khan toke dinner does

Now I know where that Soi Twilight candle numbers came from.

About an hour into your meal, the entertainment starts. It’s traditional Thai dancing at its finest. Thais, other than those making their living as coyote dancers at the bars in Patpong, are not known for either their rhythm or dancing skills, but their attempts does help take your mind away from the horrendous music accompanying the dancers. And like traditional Hawaiian luaus filled with Samoan fire dancers and Tahitian bump and grind, in Thailand they’ve added a good dollop of non-traditional Thai dances to the show – like Samoan fire dancers – too. And like at traditional Hawaiian luaus, at the end of the performance the dancers grab a few unsuspecting tourists, pull them on stage, and make them attempt to dance Thai-style so that everyone else can have a good laugh and forget how uncomfortable sitting on the floor can be.

But Wait! There’s more! After your meal and after watching the cultural performance you can move to a nearby barn to watch even more traditional Thai dancing. More of the local tribal version than that of the royal court, it’s a fascinating look at how hill tribe ladies learned that blocking move they exhibit at the night bazaar, the one that manages to keep them directly in your path until you buy something from them. Which a few of the dancers practice in trying to get a tip out of you before you leave.

The best part of the evening is that if you took a tuk-tuk, there’s a McDonalds a mere two minutes from the venue. And just a few minutes further into town you can experience a total different type of traditional Thai dancing at any one of a number of gogo bars.

I feel sorry for the dancers if a Samoan tourist ever decides to drop by the Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center’s Khan Toke Dinner and Cultural Show.

If you enjoy visiting Jim Thompson’s House Of Silk For Sale, a traditional khan toke dinner show is probably right for you. And there are worse ways of spending your time in Chiang Mai. Like visiting an ‘authentic’ Hill Tribe village. But there are plenty of restaurants serving much better Thai food, and you can always get some take-out and eat it sitting on the floor of your hotel room.

The Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center’s Khan Toke Dinner and Cultural Show is held nightly starting at 7pm. The dancing begins around 8 and the after show dance performance lasts about 30 minutes. Depending on where you buy your tickets, dinner, with one free non-alcoholic drink will run you 500 to 600 baht per person. But attending the dinner show and keeping your bar boy happy, as MasterCard likes to say, is priceless. As for boyfriends, promise he might get to ride an elephant the next day and you may still get lucky after your meal.

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Stalking The Elusive Elephant Experience In Chiang Mai

17 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Chiang Mai

Because who doesn’t love elephants?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve traveled to Thailand with my friend Dave, who (if you’ve been following this blog you know) has more recently had that all important ‘boy’ designation added to the almost as important ‘friend’. My fist visit to the kingdom was with Dave, as were the next several in fact. We never made it out of Bangkok back then, and seldom made it out of Patpong either. There was no reason to. We were there for the nightlife, and in those days Patpong offered all the nightlife your system could handle.

Patpong’s night market was part of the scene in those days, but not the main focus as it has become over the years. Outside of the stalls crammed cheek to jowl down the middle of the street, shopping options revolved around booze and sex. Even then Patpong wasn’t the red light district it had once been, but then neither was it the blue light special it has since become. The naughty bars were primarily upstairs venues; street side beer bars were the name of the game and we spent most nights making the rounds up Patpong 1, down Patpong 2, and back again, drinking our way along the route. We never took the time to visit a wat. Or a museum. Or any of the myriad attractions that visitors to Thailand should. Our biggest adventure outside of Patpong was a night spent on Soi Cowboy. And even that excursion waited until our third or fourth trip to The Land of Smiles.

Over the years our visits together became less frequent. By the time we hit the Big Mango together again I’d developed my obsession with checking out every wat that crossed my path, and the only time I bothered to spend in Patpong proper was in cutting through it when moving from Soi 4 to Soi Twilight. When we did finally land in Thailand together again, Dave only agreed to visiting his first wat because I lied and told him he could get a beer there. But because my horizons had broadened, his did too. Or maybe it was just that as he aged his liver demanded an occasional time-out.

Dave’s love affair with elephants in Thailand is self-explanatory.

We just visited the kingdom again, this time as a couple, and spent a few days in Chiang Mai for the Yee Peng celebrations. Dave, as I had expected him to, had a list of bars he wanted to visit. He also had a non-alcoholic excursion planned, which I hadn’t expected. We’d barely checked into our hotel before he announced, “I wanna ride an elephant.”

Huh. And he wasn’t even drunk yet.

Visiting one of the elephant camps and taking your turn on one of the beasts’ backs is something I’d assume every visitor to Chiang Mai does. It sounds like a lot of fun. It’s not. Kinda like spending the night with a ladyboy, the reality is just never gonna live up to the expectation. It would be different if it was riding an elephant as opposed to riding on an elephant (and I don’t mean a fat ladyboy although that too probably works out the same). But the reality of riding on an elephant in Chiang Mai is an uncomfortable wood bench strapped onto the back of a bored beast who slowly plods along a well-beaten path following too closely behind another bored beast with another bored farang strapped to its back. It’s good for about five minutes of the 15 minute minimum ride option, and the most memorable thing about your excursion is when the elephant in front of your takes a dump.

Noom, my bar boy friend (who, if you’ve been following this blog you know has always had that all important white space between his designation of ‘boy’ and ‘friend’) was with us in Chiang Mai and was just as quick to change the subject when Dave brought up riding an elephant as was I. He too had been there and done that. On our first visit to Chiang Mai, he too wanted to ride an elephant. And agreed afterwards that riding on a elephant wasn’t all that. He’d also been along for the ride when accompanying other friends to Chiang Mai, who also felt their lives would not be complete without taking a turn on an elephant’s back. So it took longer for me to explain my plan on dealing with Dave’s elephant desires than it did for him to agree to being a co-conspirator in making sure that dream never came true.

Looking for the elephant experience in Chiang Mai? Just follow the hard to miss signs.

Elephants are an integral part of Thailand’s history. And even if you never get near an elephant camp (which was Noom’s and my intention) elephants are an integral part of any visitor’s trip to the kingdom. They are everywhere. Even on the ‘look I went to Thailand’ t-shirt you buy as a souvenir. In fact, someone has glued an elephant on pretty much any souvenir you buy in Thailand. Even back when Dave and I never made it outside of Patpong, the elephant experience was part of your visit. Back then, before it became illegal to do so (wink, wink) some enterprising elephant owner would stroll through the area with an elephant, selling bananas for tourists to buy to feed the poor beast. We’d learned your best interaction with an elephant on the streets of Bangkok was to not to – when those suckers decide to urinate, the entire block gets drenched.

Generally, I think the Thai insistence that whenever anyone thinks of Thailand they think of elephants to be over-kill. But when you are trying to avoid the actual experience of a face-to-face encounter with one, that’s a good thing. Noom decided his contribution to that goal would be to pretend Dave’s desire to ride one meant that Dave loved elephants And the best way to do that was to point out every elephant we encountered. “Look! Elephant!” became his rallying cry every time an elephant appeared, none of which were living examples of the ubiquitous beast.

We only made it through half of the Sunday Night Market thanks to Noom having to point out every elephant painting, sculpture, carving, decal, plush toy, and tchotchke he spotted. The Yee Peng lanterns we set afloat into the sky had to be sent flying while we stood next to one of the elephant statues at the moat by Tha Pae Gate. Dave (and by Dave I mean Noom and Dave, of course) got their picture taken standing in front of an elephant float during one of the Yee Peng parades. And Noom was crushed that he couldn’t find an elephant themed Krathong to float down the Ping river. Even though Dave offered to donate the small elephant statue Noom had bought for him with my wallet to the cause.

Chiang Mai’s Elephant Parade House can be even more fun than riding on one.

Dave is a big guy, standing well over six feet. Now in his late 40s, he’s packed on a bit of weight. So it was only my stern look at Noom that prevented a disaster and kept him from singing out, “Look! Elephant!” again on our first morning in Chiang Mai when Dave came strolling out of the shower naked. No problemo. The thought alone was enough to send Noom into a fit of giggles.

My efforts took the much more non-Thai (meaning subtle) approach of using Google to find elephant experience options in Chiang Mai that didn’t include encountering a real, live elephant. And as trip-planning ideas go, it wasn’t a bad move. Instead of hitting the attractions Noom and I had relied on in showing off Chiang Mai in the past, I found several new attractions worthy of the tourist experience in Chiang Mai. Art In Paradise, which I posted about last week, was one of them (they had a 3D, interactive Elephant painting, which was the initial must do elephants draw). And Dave (and by Dave I mean Noom and Dave, of course) got their picture taken standing in front it. Which was still cheaper and vastly more entertaining than riding on one.

Dave’s no slouch in the brains department, so by our second day in town he figured out what Noom and I were up to and put his foot down. “I don’t want to see an elephant. I don’t want to buy elephant souvenirs. I don’t want to spend the rest of this trip listening to Noom yelling, ‘Look! Elephant!’ I want to be with an elephant, one-on-one. Me. The elephant. Together. Get it?”

“Look! Elephant!”

Got it. Dave wanted the interactive experience of communing with a pachyderm. And since the lucky man has the world’s best boyfriend, that’s exactly what he got. Our next stop on the Chiang Mai Elephant Tour was the Elephant Parade House, a small venue tucked away in Chiang Mai Land just south of the Night Bazaar off Chang Klan Road. Part boutique, part workshop, part learning center, it’s the permanent home cum money maker for Elephant Parade, an artistic globe-spanning non-profit dedicated to raising awareness for the cause of elephant conservation and the main benefactor for The Asian Elephant Foundation.

Even if you are not familiar with Chiang Mai’s Elephant Parade House, you probably are with Elephant Parade, which has deployed some 1,000 life-size elephant statues created by over 100 Thai and international artists around the world, including on the streets of Amsterdam, London, Singapore, Milan, and Copenhagen, among others. It’s massive art for the masses that delights the citizens of every city where one of their open-air exhibitions have been held, and each concludes with an auction of the fanciful painted statues, some of which find a permanent home in the city where they were paraded.

Located in a modern, three-story shop house, Elephant Parade House features some full-size replicas of the elephant statues that have been part of one of the parades, along with smaller replicas that you can (of course) purchase. The second floor is a learning center that does a good job of explaining why elephant conservation is important, without getting preachy. But the real draw of the place is upstairs where for a mere 600 to 1,000 baht you can paint your very own elephant statue. Dave, who was still holding out for riding one, was not impressed. Until Noom began letting his inner artist flow free. And then, being the competitive bastard that he is, got busy painting his own.

What could be better than riding on an elephant? Painting one. Or pounding back a few while painting one.

Helpful staff circulates freely among the budding artists, ready to lend a helping hand so that your work of art doesn’t end up being something only your mother could love. That’s probably a great boon to the kids who give a new meaning to the art of finger painting. For adults acting like children, not so much. Dave, working on his ode to Wolverine (seriously, don’t ask) offered a deep-throated growl in response to the first helpful hint a staff member suggested to him. Which put a quick end to any further assistance being sent his way. Noom made up for that by constantly asking for more gold for his Ganesha-inspired work of art, which may have helped explain the staff’s willingness to keep supplying us with yet another round of Chang Beer (which Noom insisted on Dave ordering instead of his usual, Singha, so Noom could point out the elephant on the label).

Two hours and 3,000 baht later (because size always matters) we had a trio of artistic, half-foot tall laughably painted pachyderms. Noom, being the great guy that he is, promptly presented the one he’d painted to Dave as a gift. Which I’m sure had nothing to do with the coveted free space in his luggage, reserved for hauling stuff he really wanted back home to Bangkok. But that still left the elephant in the room – Dave’s desire to ride one – unresolved, with a mere two days of our time in Chiang Mai left. Huh. You’ll be surprised at how many non-riding elephant experiences there are in Chiang Mai. As was Dave.

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The Elephant Experience In Thailand	25 Uses For A Dead Elephant	Bangkok’s Erawan Museum and the Three-Headed Elephant

A Day of Pretense That’s Not About How Much He Lubs You

10 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Chiang Mai

Forget your favorite gogo bar, Art In Paradise is the best place to fulfill your fantasies in Thailand.

“I lie you”
“You hansum man”
‘”I lub you”

The standard repertoire of bar boys in Thailand has been taken as the god’s honest truth by many a punter over the years. Believing what your ears tell you is the first step down the slippery slope of falling in love with a bar boy and part of the experience that causes many visitors to return to the kingdom again and again. The illusion of love is a siren’s song hard to resist, at least until someone’s water buffalo dies and your ATM account gets tired of hearing that you need more money. But if that’s your typical experience in the Land of Smiles, and your wallet is groaning, “Not another trip to Thailand!” you may want to head up to Chiang Mai. There’s a new museum dedicated to your expert-level ability of suspending disbelief. And at only 300 baht, it’s the cheapest day filled with pretense and illusion you’ll ever have in the kingdom.

Art in Paradise is billed as the world’s largest interactive 3D experience. So at least they are consistent with their attraction’s theme.

Thailand has perfected the art of illusion. In fact, their political landscape relies upon it. Being the sanuk loving folk that they are, the Thais allow visitors to get in on the fun too. You can pretend you’re getting a real bargain by haggling over prices at a night market, fake that you’re an adventure traveler while trying to stay awake riding on an elephant’s back, and convince yourself of your bravery by squaring off with a wild tiger face to face, even if one of those faces is so pumped full of sedatives the only real danger is that it might fall asleep on top of you. And now in Chiang Mai there’s a new attraction filled with illusions. The first of which is that it calls itself a museum. It’s not. It’s more of an amusement park. Where your brain gets to go on all the rides.

Art In Paradise is a three-storey, interactive theme park filled with giant waves to surf, dinosaurs to battle, dolphins to feed, and flowing fields of lava to pick your way across. Not to mention a two times as large as a human roll of toilet paper that you’ll be glad to see if you tried a bit too much of the street food at the Walking Street market the night before. You can visit Angkor Wat, Venice, and Egypt; become one with a masterpiece by Van Gogh, or have your photo taken interacting with a elephant without having to actually spend an hour riding one. But it’s all an illusion. Just like calling the exhibits there art. Or its location paradise. Or the admission fee it charges 300 baht. ‘Cuz locals get in for only 180. No problemo. It may be the best not 180 baht you spend in Chiang Mai.

Continuing that theme, while Art in Paradise is an attraction in Thailand, it’s not Thai. It’s the brain-child of Jang Kyu Suk, a South Korean artist. And it’s filled with the work of fourteen other South Korean artists. Some 130 of them. But your boy du jour will lub the place, and even if you are not a member of the Instagram generation, you’ll snap quite a few cool selfies yourself. Provided you bring a camera. Or as they are now known in the real word, cell phones. Because that’s the genius of the place. It’s not about using 3D Art to provide a realistic version of the unreal. It’s about you having your photo taken. Again and again and again. The attraction even provides directions showing you the best place to take photos or explaining how to interact to get the optimum 3-D effect in the photos you take.

Better yet, let the art inspire you and then watch all the other tourists copy your pose of peeing in the water a giraffe is drinking from, or rimming the subject of a Renaissance painting. In fact, the place probably could up its visitor count by renaming itself 130 Silly Things You Can Do With Your Penis. But then you probably already did 128 of those things while visiting Soi Twilight in Bangkok.

The reality of Art In Paradise is the $10 it costs to enter. And that it is a waste of money if you don’t have something with you to capture a few pix. Many of the exhibits require that you remove your shoes before entering, just like at most wats in town, so wear something on your feet easily removed. And you’ll have lots more fun interacting with a friend or two than by yourself, although from personal experience I’ll tell you that going with not one but two narcissists isn’t the best idea. Although watching them try to out-pose each other can be fun. At least for the first hour. On the other hand, that’s an hour or two you won’t spend listening to someone whine about having to visit yet another wat. And you pretending you didn’t hear them.

Located in a shopping mall pretending it’s not defunct right on Changklan Road in between the Shangri La and Empress hotels, Art In Paradise is easy to find. Or if you want to get into the spirit of things early, you can book a package tour that includes a stop at the attraction while pretending you are a traveler and not just another tourist. You can also visit the attraction’s website – http://www.chiangmai-artinparadise.com – for an incredible example of the illusion of someone who speaks English. Or afterwards, stop in their cafe for the illusion of a dining experience where money is no object. But the real fun is in actually visiting the place and having your photo taken doing all the things you didn’t do while visiting Chiang Mai.

Forget stopping off at Tiger Kingdom and facing the very real threat of being mauled by a tiger, your selfie at Art In Paradise of a 3D tiger attacking you is a safer option. And while there may have been too many tourists crowding the site to get a good shot of you ringing the bells at Doi Suthep, they’ve been recreated sans the crowds at Art In Paradise. There’s a thousand baht note on one of the walls your boy du jour will spend hours trying to remove just like he does with those in your wallet, and the depths of a beautiful swimming pool to cool off in await at Art In Paradise, unlike the water feature your hotel tried to pass off as a pool.

You can do the elephant experience in Thailand thingy at Art in Paradise, do some deep-sea diving, enjoy a visit with pandas – and actually see a few unlike a visit to the panda exhibit at the Chiang Mai Zoo, and have your photo taken with a Hill-Tribe child in full costume without having to shell over a handful of baht for that pleasure. About the only Thailand experience you won’t get to interact with at Art In Paradise is ladyboys. But then they are an illusion best experienced in reality anyway.

Art in Paradise Chiang Mai is open daily from 9:00 am until 10:00pm; it is suggested you plan on spending at least two hours to see all the exhibits. As mentioned, adult farang admission is 300 baht, your boy du jour’s will only run you 180. Unless you are a fan of Sunee Plaza and are pretending he is of legal age – children get in for 120 baht.

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Bangkok Tourism For The Phallically Inclined

16 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

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Attractions, Bangkok

There’s a reason they call it Bangkok.

On the larger scale of things – that scale being all things penis – finding things to do while in Bangkok on a holiday generally revolves around finding guys to do while in Bangkok on a holiday. But as many sex touri have discovered in the past, when you get up before noon there’s just not a lot of penis to be had. Unless you played your cards right and woke up with one next to you. But don’t despair. If you have a one-track mind (and being a gay man I assume you do) that doesn’t mean spending your early daytime hours facing the drudgery of the city’s typical touri haunts. Like Jim Thompson’s House Of Silk For Sale. There are better options. Even if it is not in the flesh, Bangkok still offers lots of dick to occupy its gay touri’s time. In fact, once you narrow your focus, there’s dick everywhere, and photo ops abound.

For those into quantity, there’s the Chao Mae Tuptim shrine, home to a good thousand penises of every conceivable size, shape, and color. And while Wat Pho is primarily known for its gargantuan Reclining Buddha, everyone knows that while you slumber you also often sprout wood, so there’s an enviably sized erect penis statue in the wat’s forecourt garden too. The Mahathat Amulet Market (or any amulet market, or any market catering to touri for that matter) abounds with penis that you can take home with you as a souvenir – which is much cheaper than attempting to take a bar boy’s penis back home with you. But if you are a size queen, or are picky and only do significant penis, then your only choice is a visit to the City Pillar Shrine (aka San Lak Muang) opposite the Grand Palace in the southeast corner of Sanam Luang and close to the Ministry of Defense.

As penis goes, Bangkok’s city pillar shrine leaves a lot to be desired; as phallic symbols go, however, it’s hard to beat (um, but don’t. Unless you want to experience penis at the local jail). Often overlooked by touri in their rush to visit both the Grand Palace and Wat Pho in a single outing, San Lak Muang is one of the most ancient, sacred, and magnificent city pillar shrines in Thailand. As a city shrine, it is considered to have given birth to Bangkok. And as a phallic symbol, like those that are more phallic and less symbol, Thailand’s kings have never been able to just leave the damn thing alone. King Rama 1 is responsible for its original erection. And then Rama IV had to play with it too. It got its final stroke of a royal hand back in the early 1980s, and stands proudly today as a symbol of both the city’s history and its future.

Back in 1782, the recently coronated Rama I awoke one morning after having just established Bangkok as the country’s new capital, and looking down at what had popped up overnight, thought “Hmmmmmm, as long as I’m calling this place Bangkok, what it really needs is a giant . . .” and the next thing ya know, a 15′ high wooden woody was erected. It was only later that he thought of building himself a palace, or a temple, because like most men first things come first and the thing that always comes first is your penis. Although undoubtedly not the first monarch to sprout wood, Rama I is credited as being the first to have erected a monument to the birthing of a city in Siam. And just like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is all the rage today, back then all of the lessor royals and despots had to get in on the act and began erecting their own phallic monuments all over the country. At that time, custom dictated that the width of a city’s pillar should be equal to two fists of the king/ruler/leader/grand poobah who had it erected. But since size always matters, Rama I’s was, obviously, the biggest, symbolizing both the power and stability of the fledging nation and its ruler’s mighty sword.

There are two myths (well, now three) surrounding the city pillar’s erection. When a city pillar is founded, to call the spirits, the ritualistic proclamation are the words ‘In–Chan–Mun–Kong’ (In, from the north; Chan, from the south; Mun, from the east; and, Kong, from the west). According to one tale, that chant summonsed four snakes who crawled under the shrine and were killed. Soothsayers interpreted this as an ominous sign that Bangkok would only last as the capital for 150 years. Legend #2 says the same chant drew four ‘volunteers’ who responded, were captured, and then were brought to the ceremonial location and buried in a hole where their spirits would guard and protect the city. Soothsayers probably interpreted this as an ominous sign too, but kept mum ‘cuz when the king is having peopled buried alive it’s best to not attract his attention.

As a symbol of the might of the Chakri Siam Empire – as in mine is bigger than yours – Bangkok’s city pillar (as well as those erected elsewhere as a demarcation of the extent of the Empire much in the same way a dog marks its territory by peeing on fire hydrants) stood proudly as a warning against future Burmese invasions, a not so insignificant pesky problem Rama I was dealing with in those days, and the pillar included a horoscope intended to ensure prosperity and success (um, for Siam, not Burma, which was finding much success on its own thank you very much.) And then hedged his bet by including three guardian angels for his new capital’s city shrine. (Two of these guardian angels are in the Theparat Shrine for your viewing pleasure, just to the right of the main shrine as you enter from Lak Muang Road.)

Fast forward 71 years later, Rama IV, aka King Mongkut, was running things in Bangkok and laughed at the idea of Burma ever amounting to anything more than the provincial back-water country it still is today. European colonialism, on the other hand, was a concern. Even though the ruler of neither Spain nor Great Britain had a city pillar to call their own. So he decided his town needed a new horoscope, a new deity, and a new phallic shrine, although considering the result one assumes he wasn’t quite the man of stature his forefather was. Or was just a more honest one. In any case, on December 5, 1853 (an auspicious date then as it would be again 74 years later when the current king of Thailand was born) IV had the city pillar shrine rebuilt, moving it from the southwestern corner of Sanam Luang to the southeastern corner where it remains today. He also had the image of Phra Sayamthevathirat created and designated it as the supreme deity of the Kingdom of Siam.

Both pillars are now sheltered in white, prang-shaped shrine, at the center of the shrine stands the original pillar dedicated by King Rama I and just to the side of the original, a second pillar (a little more ornate, but still smaller nonetheless) which was erected by Rama IV. There’s also two more smaller golden pillars full of ribbons on the side, ‘cuz you can never have enough phallic symbols, and these two tend to be highly revered by women as shrines for getting pregnant, although spending a little more time at home with the hubby and a little less at shrines praying would probably do the same trick. There are also six, massive elephant tusks on display, just in case you wanted to see what real ivory looks like and tried your best to not notice that you can still buy fresh elephant tusk at just about any street side amulet market in town.

Intended to be the spiritual center for Thai citizens, San Lak Muang is held in high esteem by locals who honor its history by visiting to pray for stability in life, to be free of bad luck, to live a longer life filled with happiness and good fortune, and to have success in career and achievement. So it’s a lot like meeting a rich farang. Although dealing with the shrine is a lot easier. There is a small, heavy Buddha statue inside which the hopeful lift twice; on the first go you make your wish, on the second you wish again (yes, Buddhist gods too can be deaf at times) and if on both attempts you manage to lift the Buddha into the air, your wish will come true. And that rich farang will soon appear. If not, there’s two giant phallic symbols right in front of you and that’s pretty damn lucky too.

Of course when you are praying to giant penises, nothing can be left to chance and there is a specific ritual involved. First (and amazingly available for purchase right there at the shrine) you need 3 incense sticks, 1 candle, gold leaf, 2 lotus flowers, 2 flower garlands and 1 piece of three-colored satin fabric. The incense, candles, and lotus are offered to the principal Buddha image, and he gets your dollop of gold leaf too. The fabric gets wrapped around one of the smaller stand-in pillars, one garland goes to Rama I’s best buddy, and the other is offered to the five sacred deities that protect Bangkok from harm. For those with a more religious bent, instead of secular rewards, your offerings bring the Seven Noble Treasures: faith, morality, great learning, charity, wisdom, moral shame, and moral fear. Everyone else gets the farang.

Between the main shrine with the city pillars, and the second containing the protective deities, there are lots of floral tributes on display from the faithful. You’d think that’s a lot of wishing going on, but Buddhists – at least the Thai version – know it ain’t healthy to dis the gods so when their wishes have been granted, they return to the shrine to make offerings of thanks too. And since penis and gods alike generally like dancing girls, one of those ways of saying mahalo is to pay for a performance by the traditional lakhon dance troupe on hand in the nearby open-air sala. If you are lucky as a visitor, you’ll get to watch a performance during your outing. If not, you can watch another form of traditional Thai dancing later that night for the cost of a drink.

The shrine’s Thai classical dance performances are given many times daily from 08:30 until 15:30 hrs. (16:00 for Sunday). And the shrine itself is open from 05:30 to 19:300 daily. Entrance is free, but as a significant religious site please remember to dress accordingly (shoulders and knees should be covered). If time got away from you, even if you can’t get inside, the shrine is beautifully lit at night. And then you can find your own penis to make an offering to at Sanam Luang.

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The Hotties Of Thailand’s Premier Sporting Event

28 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Bangkok

The 13th Annual King’s Cup Elephant Polo Tournament is coming to Bangkok this weekend.

Knowing how much readers of this blog enjoy my coverage of the Olympics and other huge international sporting events, I’d be remiss in not covering one of Thailand’s top athletic tournaments, the King’s Cup Elephant Polo Tournament which runs this year from today through the 31st at the VR Sport Club in Samut Prakan. You may think that means an advanced version of a pub crawl featuring some of Pattaya’s most prodigiously built sexpats, but the animals on the playing field at the King’s Cup won’t be quite as large as they are only real elephants.

Bulges of amazing breadth and dongs that would put Swedish pole vaulters to shame, nonetheless will take center stage over the next four days in Thailand. This is the 13th running of the tournament put on by Anantara Hotels, Resorts & Spas under the direction of the World Elephant Polo Association (no, really), with teams competing from Scotland – a back to back World Champion and two times winner of the Kings Cup in Thailand – as well as over forty other different nationalities taking part in the charity event that funds the world’s only elephant therapy project for autistic children.

Elephant polo is a lot like regular polo and neither feature the half-naked hunky bodies of men’s water polo. But the King’s Cup also has parades, beauty contests, monk blessings, and an all-you-can-eat fruit buffet (for the elephants, not Pattaya’s sexpat population. So all you balloon chasers can just stay home). On the other hand, fans of Sunee Plaza will be thrilled to know all participants must be young, preferably under 20 and still at an age where they will thoroughly enjoy the sport, but large enough to carry a player with ease. Which should sound familiar to said Sunee fans.

Looks like feeding time at Pattaya’s Casa Pascal, but it’s the all-you-can-eat fruit buffet at the King’s Cup Elephant Polo Tournament.

Best yet, there’ll be plenty of prime pachyderm flesh packing the playing field. And probably a few cute mahouts too. To get you in the spirit for the tournament, here are some of the hotter contestants and fan favorites:

Jabba The Butt is an experienced player, and it shows.

For some unfathomable reason, this young contestant is always popular with fans from Sunee Plaza.

It’s rumored that veteran polo mount AK47 is trying out a new position this year.

Polo mount Bucknaway always rocks ‘the look’.

The player affectionately known as Christian PFC is a terror on the field but spends most of the tournament checking the temperatures of his fellow players.

And what international sporting event would be complete without an appearance by Kim Kardashian? Looks like she’s bringing baby North with her to this year’s festivities.

Oliver heard a rumor of where he could find an utopian workers paradise, but it only smelled like Palestine.

And you thought those Olympics bulges were impressive.

The elephant look alike contest is always a popular part of the festivities. (Please note due to an overabundance of potential contestants only the first 25 entries from Pattaya are allowed).

Getting a commemorative tattoo is always a popular pastime among local attendees.

Or for those who enjoy their pleasures more privately, a ‘handimal’ tattoo can make those lonely nights just a bit less lonely.

And a final reminder for tournament attendees: Watch out for pickpockets.

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Muay Thai Live: The Hype Lives

21 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Bangkok, Muay Thai

Looks like the stage at Dream Boy just before things get interesting, but nope, it’s Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives.

If you’re at Asiatique, Bangkok’s newest tourist trap, the dozen or so almost naked guys on stage for your viewing pleasure may seem like pretty much any night spent on Soi Twilight, but those boys are not there to provide you with a happy ending. If you’re at Asiatique, Bangkok’s newest tourist trap, when fists begin to fly and some poor sucker ends up in a bloody heap, it may not be that you just witnessed the latest expat going mano y mano with the ferris wheel ride operator over the attraction’s dual price structure either. And if you’re at Asiatique, Bangkok’s newest tourist trap, and see Thailand totally trounce Burma again and again, you are either my friend Noom daydreaming about historical events that never were, or you just dropped 1,500 baht to take in the spectacular known as Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives, aka Asiatique’s newest tourist trap within a tourist trap.

Not that Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives isn’t spectacular. It’s just that it has as much to do with muay thai as the Calypso Cabaret has to do with the daily life of Thailand’s transgendered community. Which may be understandable. Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives (MTLLL from here on in cuz I’m not typing out that entire name again) is created and directed by Ekachai Uekrongtham, who directed the ladyboy turned muay thai champion biopic Beautiful Boxer. And one of MTLLL’s stars is ‘Art’ Attaporn, who portrayed that ladyboy turned muay thai champion in Ekacha’s film. Throw in the Passion Fighter act, supposedly a modern day look at how muay thai is used on the streets in which the hero defeats a series of bad guys, one of whom seems just as intent on seducing him as fighting him, and . . . huh, maybe there is a good reason to go see MTLLL after all.

Of course if you’re actually interested in muay thai, you’ll do better going to see a real muay thai fight. There’s a free card every Wednesday night in front of MBK, so you can save yourself 1,500 baht while you’re at it. On the other hand, if you’re interested in seeing a muay thai fight and the signboard out in front of the The Pink Panther keeps catching your eye, you’ll probably do better heading over to Asiatique where Broadway meets muay thai at MTLLL’s extravaganza. And even if you lose the battle with the ‘we took your picture when you arrived now give us 240 baht for a copy’ vendor at MTLLL, it will probably still cost you less than what your check bin would add up to at Pink Panther. But then that’s only if you prefer a bit of break dancing with your martial arts.

Rumor has it that they closed down Lumpini Stadium to force unsuspecting touri to head to Asiatique to get their fill of muay thai fighting. Or at least that will be the rumor now that I’ve started it.

So granted, MTLLL could improve by a costume malfunction or two, but it is not intended as an alternative to heading out to the stadium to spend an evening watching real muay thai fighters go at it; ‘the legend lives’ part of the show’s title is the give away. MTLLL is an encapsulated look at the 300 year history of the sport, with ‘history’ meaning tall tales told of legendary muay thai champions. If you are familiar with those stories, it’ll seem like old home week. If not, the tales told are more akin to Putin claiming he’s only interested in liberating Ukraine. But then to the victors goes the spoils, the winners get to dictate history, and alls well that ends well, even if Burma did beat Thailand 4 to 0. But then don’t take my critique of the show too seriously; I still haven’t figured out if the T in muay thai should always be capitalized or not and if so what you are supposed to do with the M (but I’m going with not ‘cuz otherwise that requires yet another stroke of the keyboard).

MTLLL’s opening number is The Prisoner with Eight Limbs, which may sound like a homage to the Saw movie franchise, but is actually a reference to the martial art known as the Art of Eight Limbs (that’d be two feet, two knees, two hands, and two elbows ‘cuz modern day muay thai rules prohibit the fighters striking blows to their opponent’s two balls) and the popular story of Nai Kanomthom, who back in the late 1700s was captured by the Burmese when they were busy capturing the entire northern section of Thailand. Boo Burma! To celebrate his country making Thailand its bitch, Lord Mangra, the Burmese King, decided to hold a big festival during which his top fighters would do battle with Thailand’s top fighters, who were now known as Lord Mangra’s top slaves.

Unfortunately for the Burmese, Nai Kanomthom trounced his first opponent using the Art of Eight Limbs, the loser of which whined that Nai cheated by using black magic. Nai said no, that was just a black eye and then went on to beat the shit out of another ten Burmese. Yeah Thailand! Lord Mangra was so not impressed with his fighters that he declared Nai Kanomthom the winner, granted him his freedom, and awarded him several Burmese women to be his wives and concubines. Boo Breeders! Nai Kanomthom returned to what was left of Thailand as a hero, and lived out his life teaching muay thai when he wasn’t busy battling between the sheets with his slew of wives and concubines. And that’s why today the Thai government is cracking down on illegal Burmese immigrants. Ooops. Wrong post. My bad.

Okay, I think I’ve seen that act before years ago at Future Boys.

Round two tells the legend of King Sri Saan Petch, aka “The Tiger King,” who was infamous for disguising himself in a tiger mask and competing in muay thai tournaments. The mask was not because he was known as The Tiger King, but because if his opponents knew he was the king they would not have fought him, probably because king’s tended to behead people who pissed them off back in those days. Although in MTLLL’s version it’s because the Thai people loved their king and didn’t want to see him lose. Or see Burma win again. In any case, the role of the king is played by ‘Art’ Attaporn of Beautiful Boxer fame, and he almost makes as good of a king playing the role of a muay thai fighter as he did playing a ladyboy. But then if you’ve ever pissed off a ladyboy hooker on Sukhumvit you probably already know how talented they are at using their fists, so maybe that’s just type-casting.

There’s another historical act, and then the show moves into modern times and the break dancers take over ‘cuz that’s what muay thai is really all about. The spectacular ends with a section on Thai heritage and a group performance of the wai kru, the weird dance/kneeling ritual that comes at the beginning of muay thai fights and MTLLL’s take is just as exciting as the real version. But at least the seats at MTLLL’s venue are nicely padded and quite comfy so you won’t get a crick in your neck from that short, restful nap you just took.

Admittedly the feats of athleticism featured in the show really are quite extraordinary, even if few are anything you’d ever see used inside of a real muay thai ring. And unlike in a real muay thai fight there is no blood (other than that spilt by those who paid the VIP seating price that costs 300 baht more than a regular ticket only to discover all that means is you get a ‘free’ box of popcorn and a soda) so those who abhor blood and violence will thoroughly enjoy MTLLL. As will those who visited Asiatique for the thrill of riding a ferris wheel. Ditto for every tuk tuk driver, taxi driver, and concierge in town who will try to sell you a ticket to MTLLL, because at 1,200 to 1,500 a pop there’s a lot of filthy lucre to go around.

Okay, I know I’ve seen that act before years ago at Future Boys.

Which is why it’s so difficult to escape all the hype of MTLLL as a tourist these days. But most manage to at least escape buying a ticket; packed in like sardines isn’t exactly the phrase you’d use to describe the audience. Some must have just farted is. And MTLLL isn’t fairing that much better on TripAdvisor, review are sparse. And even sparser when you realize Sadie K from Islamabad reviewed an actual muay thai fight she attended and not MTLLL, making her one of the few people in the world who would actually confuse the two. Everyone else said it was just like going to a movie. That MTLLL is a Hollywood version of the ancient fighting sport hits it pretty much squarely on the nose.

Noom, who is both a big fan of the Thai version of history and muay thai gave the show a big thumbs up for its frequent reference to Burma sucking and a big, “Not Real!” to most of its muay thai. After the show, he made sure to pose for a photo with ever one of the women from the show, but I think that had more to do with breasts than it did with his approval of the show.

Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives is performed nightly, except for Sundays at 8:00 pm at The Stage at Asiatique. Tickets can be bought on arrival from the box office outside the theatre or in advance tickets online from Thai Ticket Master. Your best bet for getting there is taking the BTS to Saphan Taksin station and then the shuttle boat to Asiatique. The Stage theater is located at Warehouse 3 within the entertainment complex.