Every hot Hollywood hunk at one time or another has to deal with rumors about being gay. Some more than others. Some, like John and Tom, make a career of it. And some, like Hugh Jackman, find themselves addressing the issue again and again. And again. In the past, he’s denied being gay. And his wife has denied it too. As has his adopted kids. Still, those rumors persist. Maybe it’s because he’s photographed lovingly frolicking in the ocean with another man so often. Or his love of musicals. Or that he’s included in every list of closeted celebrities. Or that he flames so well. But now that the character he’s most often associated with, Wolverine, has come out of the closet, Hugh too has finally boldly gone where no straight man has gone before, by admitting he prefers men. And Asian men at that.

Or not. But considering the date, this does make for a good Photo of the Week, no?

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Is it live, or is it Memorex?

Forget mass beheadings by ISIS, Copenhagen turning into little America, and proof that global warming is a hoax ‘cuz everywhere but California is buried under a ton of snow, the real news of the week is that Justin Bieber’s best buddy has finally made an appearance. Unlike Punxsutawney Phil, it didn’t cast a shadow. But is responsible for a lot of shade being thrown. And despite the alleged evidence, the question still seems to be whether Justin has a big dick or just that he is a big dick.

If you are in the Is A Big Dick camp and haven’t been following the strange saga of Justin’s lack of stature, it all started back at the beginning of the year when Bieber and his penis appeared in a new Calvin Klein ad. Almost immediately the internet began claiming it ain’t all that. And BreatheHeavy­.com weighed in on the weight of Bieber’s package with what it claimed were unretouched photos from the photo shoot showing a decidedly less muscular and less endowed Justin. Some claimed the unretouched photos were photoshopped, while the masses continued to claim Bieber’s mass was the photoshopped version. Regardless, threatened by legal action, the website took those photos down.

Will the real Justin Bieber please stand up.

Meanwhile other internet sites and media outlets began their own investigations into Bieber’s crotch shots, pointing out other questionable parts such as a happy trail not visible in video footage from the shoot while in the print ads it looked like he’d grown some hair. Ditto for his well-defined six-pack in the print ads that look more like a two-pack in the video clips. The controversy wouldn’t die down, causing even further shrinkage to Bieber’s pride in his manhood.

And so the 20-year-old singer’s PR machine got busy proudly standing up for that which appeared unable to do the same for itself. One unnamed source close to the Canadian pop star’s penis claimed the Calvin Klein ads were retouched, but not to add the missing elements; he claimed Bieber’s bulge was retouched because it was too big for the underwear he was given to wear for the shoot. “Justin was too big for his underwear. They are too tight and needed to be photo shopped to make the pictures look less distracting,” he told anyone who would looked to be a Belieber.

Too big for his britches?

Patrick Nilsson, Justin’s personal trainer, added his two inches worth too, telling Access Hollywood, “I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.” And then realizing what he’d just said added, “Okay, I sound weird saying that, but yes.” Nilsson declined to elaborate further on exactly how he knows that to be true.

So Bieber decided to take the controversy into his own hands by publishing a photo on his Instagram account showing what he felt was proof in the pudding. The photo, captioned “photoshopped lol” shows the Biebs wearing nothing but a towel which may or may not include a vague outline of Justin’s penis. Which for those in the Is A Big Dick camp only served to prove the boyish crooner doesn’t know dick about dick. While Bieber’s self-published photo did little to end the debate, it did raise the question of which member of his entourage took that photo, and just what was going on that was responsible for raising that point.

Yeah, but ya know what a cold shower will do to a boy.

Not being able to allow sleeping dogs – or puppies – to lie, the latest in the possibly not so sagging saga is this weekend’s leaked text mBeiber’s Teeny Weeny 4essage between Bieber and his ex, Selena Gomez, in which Justin included several dick pix. Yup, tired of the is he or isn’t he controversy, actual shots of the Biebs’ little Bieb have been published to prove he really does measure up. Which too is a bit suspicious.

The flurry of text messages were originally published back in 2004 after Selena’s iPhone was reportedly hacked. The dick pix were originally blurred out. That proof of Justin’s manhood has now magically appeared has some wondering just how big of a dick Bieber really is. While it has others wondering if Justin knows the difference between a big dick and what’s not really hanging between his legs.

Maybe it looks bigger if you use the metric scale.

While the text part of the message proves Bieber is in fact a big dick, the accompanying photos just don’t add up to much. It is a dick. That it is Justin’s is still debatable. And ‘big’ is relative. One shows a fistful of dick, but for all we know he just choked up on his bat. The other attempts to give Bieber’s best buddy a thumbs up, and it almost appears to be a full-length feature film. But even if Justin has little hands (which is never a good sign) at best he’s looking at under six inches. Which ain’t much to brag about. Or as Selena tagged it, “U need to grow the fuck up.”

Obviously, if Bieber wants to prove his point he needs to do a full frontal, full body shot so his fans can see if he measures up to the hype. Or we could start a new controversy off of Selena’s comment, “All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole,” and check out his flip side instead. ‘Cuz while Bieber being a big dick may be debatable, that he’s a complete ass seems to be a given.

As gay becomes the cool thing to be, straight men are beginning to confuse the hell out of gay guys.

Those who oppose the gay agenda must be quaking in their boots these days. Courts in the U.S. continue to hand bigots and homophobes their heads on a platter, same-sex marriage is becoming the law of the land around the world, right-thinking citizens (which, strangely enough seldom includes those whose politics lean towards the right) use their wallets to protest oppression and the governments who sponsor it, and it seems hardly a day goes by that some almost famous person decides to come out. It’s a far cry from the day when homosexuality was called the love that dare not speak its name. Today, being gay is more akin to hanging out at Cheers. Where everyone knows your name. And that you are gay. We may still be a distance off from total acceptance, but we’ve already hit a plateau where being gay is kinda cool. Even those who can’t commit fully are heavily in the pursuit of finding the perfect bromance. Or at least another bisexual to hang out with.

There was a time too when homosexuality was known as the English Disease. And nostalgic for those days, the men of the UK are today busy getting their gay on. In a recent survey conducted by two researchers at Winchester and Durham Universities 93% of straight British men reported they had spooned with another man. And 98% said they’d shared a bed with a bro. One study participant said: “I love a quick cuddle, just so you remember your friends are about and are there for you.”

“I feel comfortable with Connor and we spend a lot of time together,” another volunteered. “I happily rest my head on Connor’s shoulder when lying on the couch or hold him in bed. But he’s not the only one. The way I see it, is that we are all very good and close mates.”

Hopefully, Connor is a straight dude too. Or he may see those affectionate gestures a bit differently.

Two guys cuddling in bed together is supposed to mean something. An orgasm.

Normally I’d be one of the last to argue against any form of man on man action. But enough is enough. It’s time gay men take the joys of being with another man back. It’s time that our straight brethren quit reaping the benefits of a bromance while suffering none of the consequences of living the gay lifestyle. Like having to learn show tunes. It’s time that Chris Martin not be allowed to merely say he questioned his sexuality over Harry Styles’ beauty, but instead be required to do the boy. On film. Not that having had to do Gwyneth Paltrow over the last several years I wouldn’t find Harry Styles attractive too. But if you are gonna talk the talk, you need to walk the walk. Even if that means Harry would be walking a bit funny for a few days.

As homonormative becomes the accepted state, the slippery slope of straight boys acting gay too is gaining wide acceptance. And that needs to stop. Even if it is part of the Brit’s collective gene pool. It’s time for Seth Rogen to quit salivating over Zac Efron’s body. And his dick. But that’s a coupling we don’t need to see. Not that a bit of solo action by Zac would be a bad thing. It’s time for the rule to be that if you want to have an affair with another guy, you need to be willing to suck dick too. ‘Cuz this bromance thing is getting out of hand. And it’s confusing the hell out of the little gay boys of the world. Not to mention making the plot of a lot of gay porn movies totally irrelevant.

Back in the day if you cuddled with a bro in bed, one of you was gay. The other, a bisexual in the making. You could dream, hope, and fantasize, but you were not allowed to touch. And if you woke up in the middle of the night to find your buddy’s arms wrapped around you, you knew there was more than one hard dick throbbing in that bed. Now that just means he loves you. But doesn’t want to make love to you. Now that hard dick pressed into your back just means it is a coincidence, it’s just one of the eleven times the average man spouts wood daily and is not an invitation to cram your tongue down his throat. How in the hell is a gay boy supposed to pick up on the signals when all of the signals have been co-opted by the straight guys?

When did a three-way become friends just cuddling together?

I just read a review of the latest bromantic comedy out of Hollywood, ‘cuz that’s the closest I’ll ever get to actually watching Neighbors. The reviewer praised the flick for playing what once would have been homophobic jokes as punch lines we all are ‘in’ on. The critic thought it was more fun to be pandered to than laughed at. As if that was a good thing. Acceptance is a good thing. Understanding is cool. But while imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, unless you are serious about it, unless you are willing to actively participate, keep your enjoyment over anal sex to yourself.

In Neighbors, boys will be boys and that means getting together to play with sex toys. Sorry, but when two men engage in dildo play together, that’s gay. Or is supposed to be. Instead, there are so many dildos in the movie they should get top billing. Above Dave Franco’s name. Especially since he’s a bottom anyway. And while I’m on the subject, his brother needs to quit pandering to the straight boys by acting gay too. It sets a bad example. Male celebrities who post twitter pix of them self in bed with another guy only encourage straight guys to think pseudo-gay romances are acceptable. And then the next thing you know Bruce Jenner will have a sex change operation so that he can better fit in with the Kardashian girls.

Ooops. Too late.

That is not what ‘brothers in arms’ is supposed to mean.

The pursuit of straight guys has always been one of my favorite sports. Primarily because even as a beginner scoring is just so damn easy. Or once was. There was always a line that once you convinced them to cross, you knew it was only a matter of time before they’d have their bottom pointed in the air. Like about 5 minutes. Those lines are no longer drawn in the sand. Now those same guys feel perfectly fine with what should still be considered foreplay. And to them it means nothing. Which is exactly what you’re gonna get. Because these days spooning with your best buddy doesn’t mean someone is gonna get lucky. It just means he’s in the middle of a serious bromance. Or that he’s from the UK. But, unfortunately, a gay man’s dick doesn’t speak bromance.

Wikipedia blames the modern day bromance on the use of the term in the skateboard magazine Big Brother in the 1990s to refer specifically to the sort of relationships that develop between skaters who spent a great deal of time together. Even though those relationships were much better covered in the gay porn classic Skater Kidz. And in Skater Kidz 2 and Skater Kidz 3. The modern day equivalent of Encyclopedia Britannica defines a bromance as “a close non-romantic relationship between two (or more) men, a form of affectional or homosocial intimacy.” I don’t think homosocial is even a real world. At best it means having tea with some fussy queen who practically swoons at the thought of getting to play mother.

Wikipedia goes on to provide examples of famous bromances to help you get the picture. Even though we all know that picture should only be envisioned when a bottle of lube is close at hand. They cite Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as “perhaps the pioneering bromance in showbiz history,” though technically the relationship between Batman and Robin came way before that and was always a bit suspicious. Star Trek’s on and off screen coupling of Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine gets a nod too as the epitome of the modern bromantic relationship. Which is my point. Zach had to come out just to set Chris straight on what those nights spent cuddling together were supposed to mean. And do you think that got Zachary any closer to his goal? Well, yeah, I do too but since they’ve yet to make it official, we have to just call it a bromance.

The gods invented alcohol to loosen up straight boys so they could enjoy gay sex, which is what male-bonding is supposed to be about.

It’s no surprise that Wikipedia’s entry on bromances starts off with a warning saying This Article Has Multiple Issues. Duh. Those issues are what are supposed to separate us. Not place us in bed together. “Boy was I drunk last night!” is supposed to be the straight guy’s excuse for the naked tumble he indulged in with his best buddy the night before. Just before he suggests the two of you go out drinking again tonight. Acting like it never really happened is fine with us gay guys. As long as you’re willing to not really do it again. And again. Straight boys who explore their sexuality with their gay best friend are not supposed to be allowed to chalk it up as a bromance gone wild. Straight guys are only supposed to be allowed to have sex with other guys when it’s pledge week at your local frat house. And despite Wikipedia’s enticing revelation that a bromance can be between two (or more) men, that’s not a bromance. It’s an orgy. And when there are no fish involved, it’s gay. Or the football team bonding in their locker room’s shower after practice. Which explains why Michael Sam considers team sports to mean something deferent than what 90% of his teammates does.

Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid was not a popular movie among gay men because it was a western. Because, as kids, playing cowboys and indians was supposed to end quite differently in our minds. That flick did not call to us because Paul Newman and Robert Redford were hot. Okay it did, and they were, but there was a bigger draw too. Movies are about fantasies, and the fantasy to gay men in that movie had Redford looking longingly into Newman’s baby-blue eyes. Just before he turned over and provided the muse for And Lee’s western to come, Brokeback Mountain. It was one of Hollywood’s greatest gay couplings. Because we were allowed to interpret it that way. Homoeroticism used to mean something. But now we have bromances instead. And every man in England butting up next to his bros. Now we have Zac Efron playing with a dildo. But not in a good way. Worse yet, we now have the ‘man date’ to contend with too.

This is not how you hang out with your buddies. It’s how you start a gay orgy.

A New York Times article helped clue breeders into the idea of a man date, defining it as follows:

A man date is two heterosexual men socializing without the crutch of business or sports. It is two guys meeting for the kind of outing a straight man might reasonably arrange with a woman. Dining together across a table without the aid of a television is a man date; eating at a bar is not. Taking a walk in the park together is a man date; going for a jog is not. Attending the movie “Friday Night Lights” is a man date, but going to see the Jets play is definitely not. Two guys getting together to suck each other’s dick is a man date, doing so after attending a revival of “Cats” together is not.

Okay, so I added that last one. But let’s get real. Strolling the beach at sunset, walking hand in hand is what gay guys do when they want to prove it really isn’t just about getting dick. Even though we all know you will be getting dick after strolling the beach at sunset. Especially if you were walking hand in hand. Though if your partner is on the queeny side you may have to reenact that scene from From Here To Eternity first. The point is, the behaviors described by The New York Times are not how straight guys are supposed to act. It’s how we act. Those are gay dates. Those are examples of what we do when we finally succumb to thinking Match.com is the only way we’re ever gonna find a husband. And straight guys imitating our mating rituals only leads to disappointment. We’re out there looking for a husband. Not another Best Man.

And you know just where the idea of bromances will lead to.

Those who rail against the Gay Agenda need to get wise and recognize the insidious promotion of the pseudo gay lifestyle that Wikipedia and Hollywood is. Because we need your help in keeping man-on-man relationships the exclusive domain of gay guys. It’s a sad state of affairs when the gay community has to look toward Rush Limbaugh for an assist. But we either need to champion the cause of the dudes from Duck Dynasty, or just accept that our world will slowly be eroded by the gay antics of the straight boys of the world. The world needs to put a stop to the idea of the bromance. ‘Cuz it’s a slippery slops that can only lead to that bestiality thing y’all are so fond of talking about. And when you co-opt the meaning of doggie style from us, things are gonna get really ugly, really fast.

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