How To Get The Most Out Of The Short-Time You Now Have

05 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

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The Good General has imposed a curfew on the hours you’ll have to enjoy the boys of Bangkok. But there are holes in his plan if you know how to spot them.

If you’ve ever partied in Bangkok, you know it as a city that never sleeps. That’s the good news. The bad news is that in his continuing effort to make Thailand a happy place, The Good General has decided to set Bangkok’s alarm clock to 12am. For the next two weeks (kinda,sorta) at the stroke of midnight Bangkok’s party palaces will be turning into pumpkins. Short-time offs just became that much shorter as the ongoing police vs. military/government squabble for power and tea money claims its latest victim.

According to numerous bar owners and event organizers all nightlife and entertainment venues, parties, and events must adhere to the new midnight entertainment curfew which will last for about two weeks. The word came down from above early Wednesday morning when squads of army and police officials visited a number of nightlife venues to order them closed for the Maka Bucha holiday. Which, since by law all major Buddhist holidays are dry, was expected. That the curfew would extend beyond the actual holiday, not so much.

Trying to make sense out of governmental decreed closing hours have never been easy. That the new curfew has been spread orally with nothing appearing in writing just adds to that confusion. Nevertheless, the new normal appears to be a midnight curfew for most venues, and a 1am closing for those located in an ‘entertainment zone,’ with some splitting the difference and planning to shut their doors at 12:30am. ‘Cuz even the country’s government runs on Thai time.

The hours you have to spend with the hot males of Soi Twilight just got shorter.

Regardless of just when the party ends, the new curfew means Bangkok’s sex tourists will be left with less time to party down. And fewer hours to decide just who they want to get down with. That’s not a problem for fans of Pattaya. Both because the new curfew appears to not be spreading beyond Bangkok’s borders and because said fans have already perfected the art of limiting their wallet’s exposure to the ruinous expenses of achieving an orgasm. From ordering up a boy through a mamasan without setting foot in the bar (thereby avoiding a $3 drink charge) to waiting until a bar closes to grab a boy desperate for a customer (thereby avoiding the off fee and ensuring the lucky boy will perform for a minimum tip) the cheap bastards who help make Thailand’s Sin City what it is know a thing or five about saving some bucks when out for a fuck.

Obviously, if you spend your time in Bangkok instead you understand the value of a dollar. Which is about getting value for the dollars you spend instead of trying to limit the number of them you expend. ‘Cuz when it comes to your orgasm it should be about quality and not a fear of quantity. But with the new curfew in effect, considering the financial aspect of your night on the town can help ensure yours is not a case of diminishing returns. And doing so while remaining a bar boy half naked kind of guy, will help keep your attitude a positive one. ‘Cuz otherwise you’re gonna start whining about the shortened hours of fun caused by the curfew and that’s the first step down the slippery slope that leads to being just another disgruntled sex tourist in Pattaya. So here are a few tips on keeping your head up while out on the prowl for the perfect guy to share a bit of head with:

Time Is Money.
Sure there is a lot to be said about the joy of spending hours in a gogo bar watching a steady progression of boys getting naked and doing those things naked boys tend to do. But from strictly a financial point of view, those are wasted hours, hours you spend getting wasted that do little to add to your evening’s bottom line. Which should be about lining up the bottom you’ll spend the night with. From an ROI viewpoint, less is more. The less time you spend sitting in a bar, the more time you’ll have sitting on some hot Thai guy’s face. So don’t think of the new curfew as a restriction on the hours you can spend spending your hard-earned cash on drinks for pushy mamasans and boys you won’t be offing, think of it as The Good General helping you to realize the greatest return on the money you’re investing into getting laid.

Learning to cope with the confines imposed by the curfew can mean getting even more value out of a short-time off.

The Early Bird Gets The Worm.
Granted, showing up at a gogo bar when it first opens makes you come off as a bit desperate. But then since you’re planning on spending your evening in a gogo bar, you probably are anyway. Still, being pigeon-holed as one of those pathetic punters who timed his Viagra intake poorly or whose system shuts down by 9pm regardless is never a good thing. No problemo. The boys know there is a curfew going on and if you set the fake Rolex you just bought at the night market ahead by an hour or two you can pretend you timed your arrival at a socially acceptable hour.

The plus in arriving early is that there will be many more boys to choose from. Not the bar’s stars mind you. ‘Cuz they don’t make their appearance until later in the evening when the bar isn’t just filled with cheap bastards trying to get the most out of their short-time off. But even with hours still in front of them to land a good customer, the boys who do come to work early will be desperately trying to avoid being offed by one of the usual crop of cheap bastard pathetic punters, and since you’re new to the early crowd scene they won’t have you pegged as belonging to that group. Yet. Score!

And as an added bonus, the boy you off probably showered just before coming to work so you can skip that step back in your hotel room and get even more naked flesh time in than you’d otherwise manage to achieve.

Oh if only that were true.

Fresh Boys Closed Due To False Advertising.
Bars on Soi Twilight come and go, but few went as quickly as Fresh Boys. Which was a shame. Had they lived up to their promise. ‘Cuz nothing is finer than a bar boy who hasn’t already serviced a half-dozen of your fellow sex tourists before you managed to get to him. Especially if you’ve ever spent an early evening at Dick’s watching the crowd that usually tends to hit the bars as soon as they open.

Personally, while I’m not generally concerned with how much a night in heaven costs, I think bar boys who’ve already made their evening’s tip a few times over should be discounted as the night wears on. Kinda like day old bread. ‘Cuz even with frequent showering, they start smelling a bit stale. But now that The Good General has decreed that you have to cum to the party earlier, boys whose freshness is past their expiration date are no longer a problem. Unless your preferred bar is Classic Boys. You’d think a bar with a ginormous water tank in it would mean a stable of boys constantly recently bathed. Nyet. But the chlorine does add to the bar’s ambiance, and at least you know whatever tropical skin diseases the punter who came before you attempted to pass on have been killed off. But I digress . . .

Short-Time Is The Right Time For Me.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to compute that a short-time off started earlier in the evening means a longer time of getting your rocket blasted off. But it take the wiles of a Pattaya sexpat to put a beneficial twist to the bar boy’s short-time refrain of, “You come, I go.” And there’s a lesson there to be learned.

When you off a boy at your usual hour (around 1am) whether it’s for a short-time or long-time off it’s a one-off too. Assuming you didn’t off two or more guys at once. But when you off that guy at 8pm instead, by 10pm you’ll find that you have time on your hands. When you’d planned on having your hands on something entirely different. Even with The Good General’s curfew in place, that still leaves you a few hours to slip into something more comfortable. Like another boy. Granted, stacking two or more short-time offs into one night won’t do much for the health of your bank account, but viewed as an evening of time well spent, it will put a healthy smile of your face.

So many men, so little time . . .

Happy Endings Come In All Sizes.
No one likes to be rushed. Especially when it comes to the blood rushing to your little head. But there is something to be said for appreciating the short-time you have to spend with the man of your dreams. You quickly learn to appreciate the little things. Like the taste of his nipples. Or how his cock makes that cute little bend toward the right as it gets hard. When you have plenty of time on your hands and your hands are spending their time on him, it seems the night will never end, all good things will come to he who waits, and there’s no reason to try to squeeze the most out of your nocturnal hours together. Thanks to The Good General’s curfew that’s no longer a luxury you can afford. Now you have to cram every scintilla of sexual enjoyment into a much tighter space. If you’re lucky.

But even as the hours you have to fulfill your every dream lessen, there’s still more to be had. Living large while the curfew is in effect may force a change of habits, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You’ll be less picky about the boy you choose since you have less time to spend choosing him. That means less time being indecisive while those who don’t suffer from the same infliction off every guy you were considering. And there’s even the chance that the boy you do off, no longer having the hours available to him to make his night’s wages off of multiple offs, will instead try to give you the happy ending you dreamed of in an attempt to get as big of a tip out of you as possible. Or at least some taxi money.

You too will be forced to make the most out of the boy you off; G.O.D. will no longer be an option for finding a suitable playmate when the one you bought earlier didn’t live up to your hopes and dreams. You may just find that the result is being happier with the guy and short-time you have since you no longer have the time to move on to the next one. And that’s all The Good General wants out of life. A happier Thailand, and a happier you.

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Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall: A Salute To The Chakri Dynasty

18 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sex Break

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Attractions, Bangkok

Having grown up watching Gilligan’s Island, the idea of a three hour tour always leaves me a bit anxious. But when Noom shows an interest in something beyond shopping, I tend to set my worries aside and just be happy my wallet gets to take a break. Such was the case after a quasi-business trip to Khaosan Road, the subsequent hassle in finding an open taxi, and Noom’s sudden realization that it was close enough to feeding time to stop off at his favorite pad thai restaurant. No problemo. It’s not exactly a short hike from the backpacker ghetto to the far side of Wat Ratchanadda where our early lunch awaited, but it is a shady walk down Ratcha Damnoen Klang Road. At least it was until Noom came to an abrupt stop and uttered that fateful cry, “Oh!”

We’d driven and walked past the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall many times in the past without incident. This time, maybe it was the lack of store windows to shop and a stomach that wasn’t quite growling yet that combined to entice him with the thought of spending our afternoon in a museum. Then again Noom is Thai. And he loves anything and everything about his culture. Even when it’s more about propaganda than tradition. But at a mere 100 baht, who was I to argue with his choice of historical record?

The Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall isn’t just a museum, it’s an interactive museum. But also being a museum run by the Thai government, your interaction is strictly controlled. Mindless wandering from exhibit to exhibit is not allowed. Because in Thailand we take guided tours. Which is where my anxiety about taking the three hour version came into play. But it coulda been worse. There’s a six hour version too. And with scheduling, the word is taking both could make you feel just like Gilligan (or Lovey Howell for you queens) stuck on an uncharted island with no apparent means of escape.

Officially the tour takes two hours. Or four. There are two ‘routes’ and you can choose to take one or both (for the same admission fee). But being a Thai museum run by the Thai government and billed as a Thai cultural experience, Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall runs on Thai time. So it all depends on how the tour schedule works out with your arrival time. First, there’s an introductory video that starts every fifteen minutes. Then your first two hour tour, which begin every 20 minutes. And then if you opt for the full experience, there’s the additional delay waiting for Part II to start. So not counting time spent at the coffee shop, checking out the views from the Observation Deck, or your boy du jour’s obligatory stop at the gift shop, plan on six hours for the full set of tours, or three hours for the single tour. But just remember that too was all that Gilligan thought he’d signed up for.

Now between almost a full day of sightseeing in one building and the fact that despite billing itself as an interactive learning center the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall is still a museum, you might be thinking: pass. And I don’t blame you. But somewhere between my bitching about being forced to take a guided tour, the length of the tour(s), the 1,000 baht deposit for the English language audio guide, the sometimes juvenile displays, and having how wonderful the royals of Thailand are for the country shoved down my throat, I actually began to enjoy myself. And Noom loved it from the get-go. Even with all the bitching I was doing.

From strictly a time best spent view, I’d almost want to tell you to go with your first instincts and give it a pass if you are only in town for a few days. But the info and displays on the Grand Palace alone would make your subsequent visit to that attraction much more rewarding. And while some of the interactive technology displays appear to have been constructed by The Professor from what he could find on the island, others are pretty damn cool. One, while you are sitting down watching a 4D-multimedia video (replete with scent and sensory effects), is actually an elevator that raises you to the next floor. Whodathunk a museum could actually be fun?

The museum is divided into nine ‘halls’ each focusing on a different aspect of Thai history/culture. The Grandeur Rattanakosin Room is mostly Chakri dynasty hype, but that segues into the Prestige of the Kingdom Room with interactive displays and scale models of the Grand Palace. You get to see the Emerald Buddha in not one but three different costumes (and all three are of a better view than you’ll get actually visiting the green guy), and the explanation of the meanings behind all the architectural details of the place is fascinating. It also provides glimpses into parts of the palace not usually accessible to the public.

In the Remarkable Entertainments Hall, a panoramic view of the olden days of Siam with traditional Thai entertainment spectacles involves you in the country’s performing arts, such as the masked Khon dance, lakhon plays, the Thai silk industry, fruit carving, and puppet shows – and yeah, you get to play with the puppets. Then it’s back to how cool it is to be royalty in the Renowned Ceremonies Room, a cinema-like hall with comfortable couch seating where you get to watch a king’s coronation ceremony. The Royal Barge Procession and the Royal Ploughing Ceremony are covered here too. Less all about the Chakri clan, the Impressive Communities Hall brings the different trade streets to life, from the monk’s bowl village of Baan Bat to the foodie lanes than run alongside the city’s canals.

I was hoping the Colorful Thai Way of Living Hall might include some interactive experience with Soi Twilight, but no such luck. Which may have had something to do with it being Noom’s favorite room. Not quite The Pirates of the Caribbean, after a brief look into to life at riverside you take a trip down the river (animated on a 3D multimedia screen) in your own boat (okay, it’s more of a cart, but go with the flow) whose movements stimulate a wild ride on the river. Then, before you get wet, the screen changes into a view of the old city and your boat becomes a tram while you ride down the first paved road in Thailand.

This was the most interactive room. You got to bop your heart out on a dance floor from the ’60s, try out some vintage costumes, and even have your photo superimposed on the cover of a magazine. It ends with a ride on the BTS, which is a good segue into the Sight – Seeing Highlights exhibit which features all the stuff you could have done in town instead of having visited the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.

That too was a popular exhibit for Noom. It’s mostly done in cartoons. And they take photos of you when you enter the room so that during the presentation your face shows up in parts of the display. Thankfully, unlike in many museums photography is allowed. So Noom has lots of shots of himself enjoying his day at the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.

(The Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.is open Tuesday through Friday from 11am to 8pm, and on Saturday and Sunday from 10am to 8pm. The last tour begins at 6pm, but consider going later in the day ‘cuz the views of the surrounding area – including the Loha Prasat, Wat Ratchanadda, and the Golden Mount are even more spectacular when lit at night.)

Cleaning Up Your Rep At Wat Rakang Kositaram

17 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

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Bangkok, Wats

Wat Rakang may not look like much from the Chao Phraya River, but that’s because your eyes are usually drawn to its neighbor, Wat Arun, instead.

It’s difficult to not be impressed with Wat Arun with its porcelain shard covered prang facade reaching into the sky as you motor up the Chao Phraya. It’s second only to Phuket for having a name that’s fun to pun around with too. And from Tha Chang Pier, it’s a crap shoot for most visitors whether figuring out how to get across the river for a visit or heading inland for an attempt at finding the Grand Palace not closed will be the easier endeavor. Either site works well if you are into crowds. But if a wat is wat’s up for your day and you want some significance out of your visit you may want to visit Wat Rakang Kositaram instead. Or Wat Rakang Kositaram Woramahawihan if you are pedantically inclined. Or Wat Rakang if you are not into details. It’s easy to find. Just look for Wat Arun and then look down. Locals know it is the temple to head for when your reputation needs some PR work. And considering what you probably did in Patpong last night, your rep undoubtedly needs a good dose of Wat Rakang’s magic too.

Wat Rakang’s claim to fame for helping you clean up yours is just one of its draws. That one is due to its name (The Temple of the Bells) and the belief that worshiping at the wat will result in you becoming popular and having an ever-growing reputation just like the far-reaching sound of ringing bells. Just outside the temple there is even a row of bells lined up. It is believed that ringing all of them in sequence will bring you good luck. But that depends on how you define luck. The temple’s fame comes from a large bell that was unearthed there during renovations in the 1700s when King Rama I reigned supreme. It was a cool bell. So he had it floated across the river and installed at the Temple of the Emerald Buddha in his palace, a swap he made for five smaller bells for the wat. So if you are a fan of quantity over quality, Wat Rakang is for you. Which brings us back to what you were probably up to in Patpong last night and why you really need to visit Wat Rakang today.

Wat Rakang’s version of the Dutch trading $24 worth of beads for Manhattan.

Undoubtedly, your soul is in bad need of making some merit and since locals in Thailand are always in bad need of some baht even before you make it to those bells your wallet can participate in various important Buddhist religious rites. Because just as anywhere in the world those fresh off the boat make for easy marks, at the Wat Rakang Pier you can buy food to throw at the massive school of catfish who greedily await your arrival. (There’s also a massive flock of pigeons greedily waiting to steal the bread you bought for the fish, but pretend they are usurpers from Burma and ignore them.)

Nearby, the aforementioned locals greedily await your arrival too and are willing to sell you a baby turtle or two to release into the Chao Phraya. Both of these activities are considered ways to make merit. I have to assume, being similar, that releasing your boy du jour to return to his gogo bar is a merit making activity too. But then if you took him temple touring with you today, he’s probably just glad you visited Wat Rakang instead of its neighbor, Wat Arun, and he didn’t have to help drag your tired ass up that wat’s prang’s steep, seemingly never-ending, narrow steps.

Because Thais love nothing more than beating a joke to death, King Bhumibol gave Wat Rakang some bells too.

Wat Rakang was built during the Ayutthaya period and was originally known as Wat Bangwayai. Because those five little bells Rama I tried to pawn off for the cool big bell he coveted weren’t quite enough, he also gave the wat a new name. Uh, that’d be Wat Rakang. ‘Cuz rakang is the Thai word for bell. Supposedly the wat got its moniker of The Temple of the Bells in honor of the discovery of that big ‘un, but when you are king you can do whatever you want, including grabbing the best souvenirs, and I suspect Rama I just wanted to throw some shade and give the temple a lasting reminder of what happens when you horse-trade with royalty. It’s kinda become a royal family joke. A pair of blue bells, which you can see in front of the temple’s ubosot, were more recently gifted to the temple by King Bhumibol (aka Rama IX). Those Ramas are such jokesters.

As if the bell thingy wasn’t enough, Rama I also built a rather grand residence just across the river from Wat Rakang (that’d be the Grand Palace) just so his former domicile could always have a reminder of the difference between being a king and a king-to-be staring it in its face. Before his enthronement, #I used to live at Wat Rakang. He ‘donated’ his former digs to the wat, headed off to war, and returned a king with a snazzy new place to call home. His former digs were torn down and then reconstructed by the pond behind the temple’s ubosot, not so coincidently in the spot where that damn bell was found. It’s been since moved again (‘cuz the royals just can’t resist fucking with Wat Rakang) and is now known as the Tripataka Hall, a monastic library, or Ho Trai, where the wat’s ancient Buddhist scriptures are kept (or at least those some Rama hasn’t moved across the river) and its once vividly painted red exterior walls are one of the temple’s most photographic sites.

As a ho trai Wat Rakang’s Tripataka Hall is impressive, as a royal residence, not so much.

But wait! There’s more! #I and his elder sister – who also wanted to get in on the act – had a Khmer-style prang built at Wat Rakang too, which Prince Naris – who is widely recognized as one of Siam’s greatest artists – deemed the most perfect Rattanakosin prang in Thailand. Wat Rakang’s prang is regarded as the prototype of prangs in the present era. Which finally sounds like Wat Rakang got some of the props it deserved. But as perfect as its prang may be, Wat Arun’s is a hell of a lot bigger (and more famous, rightly so) and we all know that with prangs as with most things, size matters. But I guess that does make Wat Rakang’s prang the quintessential Asian prang in Thailand. Or as the Chakri Dynasty clan like to joke when they sail by: “Oh look! It looks just like a prang. Only smaller.”

Now with Wat Arun almost next door, visiting Wat Rakang may start sounding like that time your parents promised you a trip to Disneyland and only took you to Universal Studios instead, but the whole point of rewarding international travel is the cool souvenirs you can take home to remind your friends and family of how much richer and more fulfilled your life is. And when it comes to Mickey Mouse ears in Thailand, nothing beats a powerful Buddhist amulet. Sure, you can find lots at the Mahathat Amulet Market over by the House That Rama I Built, but even Thai royalty won’t mess with Buddha bling and true believers know when it comes to luck, love, protection, and good fortune, Wat Rakang is the place to be. Unless you are a bell. Obviously.

Wat Rakang’s prang proves that good things do come in small packages. No, really.

There are a lot of Buddha amulets in Thailand but there are none so famous and sought after as Pra Somdej Wat Rakang made by Somdej Pra Puttajarn Toh Prommarungsee, or Archarn Toh or Somdej Toh for short. He was a son of King Rama II (before he became the King) and as pre-king royals in Thailand often do took the vows of monkhood at the age of 13. Unlike some, he stuck to it, probably because with 73 siblings his chances of becoming Rama III were pretty slim.

By the age of 21, he obtained senior monk status as well as the affectionate nickname Maha Toh, or King’s monk. And by the reign of Rama IV (aka King Mongkut, aka the titled character in The King And I) Maha Toh received the ultimate title of Somdej Phra Puttajarn Toh, the highest level of monkhood. Having scaled the monkhood peak and having put that whole bell thingy behind him, Somdej Toh found himself with lots of free time on his hands and took up amulet making as a hobby. Due to the old-timey methods he used – which imparted great power to his hand crafted pieces – these amulets became very famous and were called Somdej Wat Rakang, and/or Phra Somedej.

Wat Rakang’s presiding Buddha image is known as Phra Prathan Yim Rap Fa, but its power is overshadowed by the temple’s famous Phra Somdej amulets.

In his life time, Somdej Toh made around 84,000 Phra Somdej amulets. Today they fetch extremely high prices. Like in the millions of baht. Or, as a honored visitor to Wat Rakang, assuming you earned lost of merit feeding catfish and setting turtles or bar boys free, you too can buy a genuine Phra Somdej amulet right where it was made for a mere hundred bucks or so (so being the Thai word for however much you are willing to pay). Sure you can buy them on eBay and Amazon too, but while those may come with a genuine Certificate of Authenticity, just like when buying Mickey Mouse ears, it means so much more when you buy them from the mouse himself.

How powerful are Phra Somdej amulets? Back in 2008, a police officer in Pattaya got busted and charged for robbery and attempted murder when he tried to steal one, then estimated at a value of 8 million baht, from its owner. The Boy in Brown pointed his gun at the amulet owner’s head and pulled the trigger twice. But the gun failed to fire. And while guns that fail to fire in Pattaya are usually blamed on shoddy, knock-off Viagra, in this case it was the protective powers of the Phra Somdej amulet that got the props.

Is it live or is it Memorex?

The making of Phra Somdej amulets continued after his death, using the original five molds Somdej Toh made. Kinda, sorta. As an amulet maker he may have reigned supreme, as a mold maker, not so much. His sucked. So the king’s goldsmith made new ones. And then proceeded to mass produce the one-of-a-kind collectibles. But having learned their lesson with that bell thingy, the powers that be at Wat Rakang did not sit idly by while those bastards across the river hauled in all the loot and began offering new limited-edition amulets directly from where Somdej Toh once lived (limited-edition being Thai for as many as they could sell). That practice continues today and a new amulet is released whenever a significant and/or auspicious event occurs at Wat Rakang.

(Wat Rakang is open daily from 8am to 5pm; admission is free, but fake amulets are not. Take the Chao Phraya River Express Boat to Tha Chang Pier, hop off and then take a ferry to cross the river to the Wat Rakang Pier.It’s about a five minute walk from making merit by feeding the catfish to Wat Rakang.)

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Bangkok Tourism For The Phallically Inclined

16 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

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Attractions, Bangkok

There’s a reason they call it Bangkok.

On the larger scale of things – that scale being all things penis – finding things to do while in Bangkok on a holiday generally revolves around finding guys to do while in Bangkok on a holiday. But as many sex touri have discovered in the past, when you get up before noon there’s just not a lot of penis to be had. Unless you played your cards right and woke up with one next to you. But don’t despair. If you have a one-track mind (and being a gay man I assume you do) that doesn’t mean spending your early daytime hours facing the drudgery of the city’s typical touri haunts. Like Jim Thompson’s House Of Silk For Sale. There are better options. Even if it is not in the flesh, Bangkok still offers lots of dick to occupy its gay touri’s time. In fact, once you narrow your focus, there’s dick everywhere, and photo ops abound.

For those into quantity, there’s the Chao Mae Tuptim shrine, home to a good thousand penises of every conceivable size, shape, and color. And while Wat Pho is primarily known for its gargantuan Reclining Buddha, everyone knows that while you slumber you also often sprout wood, so there’s an enviably sized erect penis statue in the wat’s forecourt garden too. The Mahathat Amulet Market (or any amulet market, or any market catering to touri for that matter) abounds with penis that you can take home with you as a souvenir – which is much cheaper than attempting to take a bar boy’s penis back home with you. But if you are a size queen, or are picky and only do significant penis, then your only choice is a visit to the City Pillar Shrine (aka San Lak Muang) opposite the Grand Palace in the southeast corner of Sanam Luang and close to the Ministry of Defense.

As penis goes, Bangkok’s city pillar shrine leaves a lot to be desired; as phallic symbols go, however, it’s hard to beat (um, but don’t. Unless you want to experience penis at the local jail). Often overlooked by touri in their rush to visit both the Grand Palace and Wat Pho in a single outing, San Lak Muang is one of the most ancient, sacred, and magnificent city pillar shrines in Thailand. As a city shrine, it is considered to have given birth to Bangkok. And as a phallic symbol, like those that are more phallic and less symbol, Thailand’s kings have never been able to just leave the damn thing alone. King Rama 1 is responsible for its original erection. And then Rama IV had to play with it too. It got its final stroke of a royal hand back in the early 1980s, and stands proudly today as a symbol of both the city’s history and its future.

Back in 1782, the recently coronated Rama I awoke one morning after having just established Bangkok as the country’s new capital, and looking down at what had popped up overnight, thought “Hmmmmmm, as long as I’m calling this place Bangkok, what it really needs is a giant . . .” and the next thing ya know, a 15′ high wooden woody was erected. It was only later that he thought of building himself a palace, or a temple, because like most men first things come first and the thing that always comes first is your penis. Although undoubtedly not the first monarch to sprout wood, Rama I is credited as being the first to have erected a monument to the birthing of a city in Siam. And just like the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is all the rage today, back then all of the lessor royals and despots had to get in on the act and began erecting their own phallic monuments all over the country. At that time, custom dictated that the width of a city’s pillar should be equal to two fists of the king/ruler/leader/grand poobah who had it erected. But since size always matters, Rama I’s was, obviously, the biggest, symbolizing both the power and stability of the fledging nation and its ruler’s mighty sword.

There are two myths (well, now three) surrounding the city pillar’s erection. When a city pillar is founded, to call the spirits, the ritualistic proclamation are the words ‘In–Chan–Mun–Kong’ (In, from the north; Chan, from the south; Mun, from the east; and, Kong, from the west). According to one tale, that chant summonsed four snakes who crawled under the shrine and were killed. Soothsayers interpreted this as an ominous sign that Bangkok would only last as the capital for 150 years. Legend #2 says the same chant drew four ‘volunteers’ who responded, were captured, and then were brought to the ceremonial location and buried in a hole where their spirits would guard and protect the city. Soothsayers probably interpreted this as an ominous sign too, but kept mum ‘cuz when the king is having peopled buried alive it’s best to not attract his attention.

As a symbol of the might of the Chakri Siam Empire – as in mine is bigger than yours – Bangkok’s city pillar (as well as those erected elsewhere as a demarcation of the extent of the Empire much in the same way a dog marks its territory by peeing on fire hydrants) stood proudly as a warning against future Burmese invasions, a not so insignificant pesky problem Rama I was dealing with in those days, and the pillar included a horoscope intended to ensure prosperity and success (um, for Siam, not Burma, which was finding much success on its own thank you very much.) And then hedged his bet by including three guardian angels for his new capital’s city shrine. (Two of these guardian angels are in the Theparat Shrine for your viewing pleasure, just to the right of the main shrine as you enter from Lak Muang Road.)

Fast forward 71 years later, Rama IV, aka King Mongkut, was running things in Bangkok and laughed at the idea of Burma ever amounting to anything more than the provincial back-water country it still is today. European colonialism, on the other hand, was a concern. Even though the ruler of neither Spain nor Great Britain had a city pillar to call their own. So he decided his town needed a new horoscope, a new deity, and a new phallic shrine, although considering the result one assumes he wasn’t quite the man of stature his forefather was. Or was just a more honest one. In any case, on December 5, 1853 (an auspicious date then as it would be again 74 years later when the current king of Thailand was born) IV had the city pillar shrine rebuilt, moving it from the southwestern corner of Sanam Luang to the southeastern corner where it remains today. He also had the image of Phra Sayamthevathirat created and designated it as the supreme deity of the Kingdom of Siam.

Both pillars are now sheltered in white, prang-shaped shrine, at the center of the shrine stands the original pillar dedicated by King Rama I and just to the side of the original, a second pillar (a little more ornate, but still smaller nonetheless) which was erected by Rama IV. There’s also two more smaller golden pillars full of ribbons on the side, ‘cuz you can never have enough phallic symbols, and these two tend to be highly revered by women as shrines for getting pregnant, although spending a little more time at home with the hubby and a little less at shrines praying would probably do the same trick. There are also six, massive elephant tusks on display, just in case you wanted to see what real ivory looks like and tried your best to not notice that you can still buy fresh elephant tusk at just about any street side amulet market in town.

Intended to be the spiritual center for Thai citizens, San Lak Muang is held in high esteem by locals who honor its history by visiting to pray for stability in life, to be free of bad luck, to live a longer life filled with happiness and good fortune, and to have success in career and achievement. So it’s a lot like meeting a rich farang. Although dealing with the shrine is a lot easier. There is a small, heavy Buddha statue inside which the hopeful lift twice; on the first go you make your wish, on the second you wish again (yes, Buddhist gods too can be deaf at times) and if on both attempts you manage to lift the Buddha into the air, your wish will come true. And that rich farang will soon appear. If not, there’s two giant phallic symbols right in front of you and that’s pretty damn lucky too.

Of course when you are praying to giant penises, nothing can be left to chance and there is a specific ritual involved. First (and amazingly available for purchase right there at the shrine) you need 3 incense sticks, 1 candle, gold leaf, 2 lotus flowers, 2 flower garlands and 1 piece of three-colored satin fabric. The incense, candles, and lotus are offered to the principal Buddha image, and he gets your dollop of gold leaf too. The fabric gets wrapped around one of the smaller stand-in pillars, one garland goes to Rama I’s best buddy, and the other is offered to the five sacred deities that protect Bangkok from harm. For those with a more religious bent, instead of secular rewards, your offerings bring the Seven Noble Treasures: faith, morality, great learning, charity, wisdom, moral shame, and moral fear. Everyone else gets the farang.

Between the main shrine with the city pillars, and the second containing the protective deities, there are lots of floral tributes on display from the faithful. You’d think that’s a lot of wishing going on, but Buddhists – at least the Thai version – know it ain’t healthy to dis the gods so when their wishes have been granted, they return to the shrine to make offerings of thanks too. And since penis and gods alike generally like dancing girls, one of those ways of saying mahalo is to pay for a performance by the traditional lakhon dance troupe on hand in the nearby open-air sala. If you are lucky as a visitor, you’ll get to watch a performance during your outing. If not, you can watch another form of traditional Thai dancing later that night for the cost of a drink.

The shrine’s Thai classical dance performances are given many times daily from 08:30 until 15:30 hrs. (16:00 for Sunday). And the shrine itself is open from 05:30 to 19:300 daily. Entrance is free, but as a significant religious site please remember to dress accordingly (shoulders and knees should be covered). If time got away from you, even if you can’t get inside, the shrine is beautifully lit at night. And then you can find your own penis to make an offering to at Sanam Luang.

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The Hotties Of Thailand’s Premier Sporting Event

28 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Bangkok

The 13th Annual King’s Cup Elephant Polo Tournament is coming to Bangkok this weekend.

Knowing how much readers of this blog enjoy my coverage of the Olympics and other huge international sporting events, I’d be remiss in not covering one of Thailand’s top athletic tournaments, the King’s Cup Elephant Polo Tournament which runs this year from today through the 31st at the VR Sport Club in Samut Prakan. You may think that means an advanced version of a pub crawl featuring some of Pattaya’s most prodigiously built sexpats, but the animals on the playing field at the King’s Cup won’t be quite as large as they are only real elephants.

Bulges of amazing breadth and dongs that would put Swedish pole vaulters to shame, nonetheless will take center stage over the next four days in Thailand. This is the 13th running of the tournament put on by Anantara Hotels, Resorts & Spas under the direction of the World Elephant Polo Association (no, really), with teams competing from Scotland – a back to back World Champion and two times winner of the Kings Cup in Thailand – as well as over forty other different nationalities taking part in the charity event that funds the world’s only elephant therapy project for autistic children.

Elephant polo is a lot like regular polo and neither feature the half-naked hunky bodies of men’s water polo. But the King’s Cup also has parades, beauty contests, monk blessings, and an all-you-can-eat fruit buffet (for the elephants, not Pattaya’s sexpat population. So all you balloon chasers can just stay home). On the other hand, fans of Sunee Plaza will be thrilled to know all participants must be young, preferably under 20 and still at an age where they will thoroughly enjoy the sport, but large enough to carry a player with ease. Which should sound familiar to said Sunee fans.

Looks like feeding time at Pattaya’s Casa Pascal, but it’s the all-you-can-eat fruit buffet at the King’s Cup Elephant Polo Tournament.

Best yet, there’ll be plenty of prime pachyderm flesh packing the playing field. And probably a few cute mahouts too. To get you in the spirit for the tournament, here are some of the hotter contestants and fan favorites:

Jabba The Butt is an experienced player, and it shows.

For some unfathomable reason, this young contestant is always popular with fans from Sunee Plaza.

It’s rumored that veteran polo mount AK47 is trying out a new position this year.

Polo mount Bucknaway always rocks ‘the look’.

The player affectionately known as Christian PFC is a terror on the field but spends most of the tournament checking the temperatures of his fellow players.

And what international sporting event would be complete without an appearance by Kim Kardashian? Looks like she’s bringing baby North with her to this year’s festivities.

Oliver heard a rumor of where he could find an utopian workers paradise, but it only smelled like Palestine.

And you thought those Olympics bulges were impressive.

The elephant look alike contest is always a popular part of the festivities. (Please note due to an overabundance of potential contestants only the first 25 entries from Pattaya are allowed).

Getting a commemorative tattoo is always a popular pastime among local attendees.

Or for those who enjoy their pleasures more privately, a ‘handimal’ tattoo can make those lonely nights just a bit less lonely.

And a final reminder for tournament attendees: Watch out for pickpockets.

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Up A Lazy River To Wat Ratcha Oro

14 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Wats

Wat Ratcha Orasaram Ratchaworawiharn, or Wat Ratcha Oro as it is popularly known, or The Temple Of The Son Of A King, as its name translates, is one of Bangkok’s more unusual Buddhist Temples. Both in architectural style – it features no chofa or hang hong on its wiharn’s and ubosot’s roofs as Thai temples normally do – and in what you’ll find there: usually zero tourists. Because it’s a bit off the beaten path. There’s also ancient herbal formulas for what ails ya inscribed on the outside walls of the corridors of the wiharn (just in case you’re a new-age, aromatherapy, botanical kinda guy). And a large Reclining Buddha (not as large as the one at Wat Pho, but then neither are the lines of touri waiting to view it). Not to mention, tucked away under a shady pikul tree, a stone throne fit for a king (‘cuz it was). And, if you are feeling adventurous, you can arrive by boat along Khlong Dan. Throw in a museum highlighting the old days of the Chom Thing district, and a distinctively Chinese style and it’s no wonder it’s one of the top three wats in Bangkok tourists search for on the internet. Even if few ever make the trek there.

Chom Thong is a very old district of Bangkok that’s located between the estuary of the Chao Phraya and Tha Chin Rivers. The district was named after Wat Chom Thong, which dates back to the Ayutthaya period (and which is now known as .Wat Ratcha Orasaram Ratchaworawiharn, etc., etc., etc., but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). I only mention this now because you have options for getting there. You can take a taxi, or the bus, but as ancient as some of those seem at times you really should arrive by boat for the full historical experience. It’s your cheapest transportation option too.

That’s what Prince Chetsadabodin did back in 1820 when he led his army through Chom Thong en route to Kanchanaburi to counter the Burmese threat in a war that never actually transpired. Not that there weren’t enough other wars between the two kingdoms to make up for that loss. On the first day of his march to his not-a-war his route took him through Chom Thong where he held a sleep-over at Wat Chom Thong. While there, the future King Rama III officiated at a religious ceremony held to bless warriors headed off to war (or one they assumed would be occurring).

During the ceremony the temple’s abbot foretold an auspicious outcome to the prince’s campaign, claiming that the prince would win the war and return back to Bangkok safely. Both of which were a safe fortune to foretell ‘cuz royalty is not generally known to be big on being told they are gonna lose and die. And if you are wrong, it’s not like said royalty is gonna be around to take out his anger on you anyway.

Regardless, the future king praised the abbot’s prophecy – or intelligence in predicting a victory – and promised if he did in fact win when he returned he would renovate the temple. Face, being what it is in Thailand, meant Prince Chetsadabodin chalked up a win for his war that never happened, and seven months later made good on his promise to the old monk. The major renovations and improvements took 14 years to complete.

Because he favored Chinese art, the architectural and artistic work for the temple’s restoration was a combination of Thai and Chinese styles, which became known as Silpa Phra Ratcha Niyom (the king’s preferred art) and which can also be seen at eighteen other temples in the general area that Prince Chetsadabodin had a hand in renovating. One can only be glad that the Hello Kitty brand wasn’t known back in the mid-1800s. But then moon gates are cool regardless of which country they came from, and the Chinese-influenced paintings of peacocks in the wiharn are a nice break from the typical scenes of Buddha being the Buddha that decorate the interior of most wats in Thailand.

Prince Chetsadabodin’s interest in Chinese architectural styles stemmed from his successful trading ventures with China on behalf of the kingdom, the results of which prompted his pops, King Rama II, to affectionately refer to him as ‘Chao Sua’ (rich man). That influence, while not quite up to the acid-trip induced Gaudiesque stylings of Wat Rong Khun outside of Chiang Rai, produced one of the most zen-like Buddhist temples of its day, which Britain’s Ambassador to the Court of King Rama II, John Crawford, once described as the most beautifully built temple in Bangkok. Sitting on the western bank of the Sanamchai Canal, Wat Ratcha Oro’s red, Chinese-style pavilions and formal, stylized gardens invoke a tranquil setting for the temple, and its reflecting pond and unusual entrance perspectives provides it with a unique and serene atmosphere. Which worked out well for Prince Chetsadabodin, since his ashes are housed in the base of the main Buddha in the temple’s ubosot.

Thanks to his burial there, Wat Ratcha Oro’s ubosot also houses what is considered to be one of the finest Buddha images of its period – known as the Phra Buddha Anatakhun Adulyabophit – as well as the seldom-seen nine-tiered parasol which are only erected in temples where the ashes of kings are laid to rest. Outside, it has a Chinese-style roof, but done in the familiar Thai temple colors of orange and green; stucco chrysanthemum motifs surround its windows and doors, although the doors themselves are adorned with mother of pearl dragon patterns and guarded by Chinese guardian sculptures. And at its left-hand corner, the large stone throne used by King Rama III when he was still just the Crown Prince and visited the wat during its restoration work sits in a shady grove.

There are two wiharn at Wat Ratcha Oro, the more popular of the two houses the temple’s large Reclining Buddha, the other a bronze Standing Buddha believed to have been cast during the U-Thong period. The exterior doors and windows of both feature stucco reliefs of Chinese guardian deities done in golden lacquer. If you have not seen the Reclining Buddha at Wat Pho, Wat Ratcha Oro’s is exceptional, however the temple’s phra rabieng, the gallery surrounding the wiharn with its 32 stupas and round entrance gates to the atrium is a much more unique feature of this temple, and a much bigger draw for its visitors.

One of the nine royal temples, Wat Ratcha Oro is open daily from 5am to 8pm, although the ubosot is only open to visitors between 8 and 9 am and again between 4:40 and 6 pm. Admission is free.

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Muay Thai Live: The Hype Lives

21 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Bangkok, Muay Thai

Looks like the stage at Dream Boy just before things get interesting, but nope, it’s Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives.

If you’re at Asiatique, Bangkok’s newest tourist trap, the dozen or so almost naked guys on stage for your viewing pleasure may seem like pretty much any night spent on Soi Twilight, but those boys are not there to provide you with a happy ending. If you’re at Asiatique, Bangkok’s newest tourist trap, when fists begin to fly and some poor sucker ends up in a bloody heap, it may not be that you just witnessed the latest expat going mano y mano with the ferris wheel ride operator over the attraction’s dual price structure either. And if you’re at Asiatique, Bangkok’s newest tourist trap, and see Thailand totally trounce Burma again and again, you are either my friend Noom daydreaming about historical events that never were, or you just dropped 1,500 baht to take in the spectacular known as Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives, aka Asiatique’s newest tourist trap within a tourist trap.

Not that Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives isn’t spectacular. It’s just that it has as much to do with muay thai as the Calypso Cabaret has to do with the daily life of Thailand’s transgendered community. Which may be understandable. Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives (MTLLL from here on in cuz I’m not typing out that entire name again) is created and directed by Ekachai Uekrongtham, who directed the ladyboy turned muay thai champion biopic Beautiful Boxer. And one of MTLLL’s stars is ‘Art’ Attaporn, who portrayed that ladyboy turned muay thai champion in Ekacha’s film. Throw in the Passion Fighter act, supposedly a modern day look at how muay thai is used on the streets in which the hero defeats a series of bad guys, one of whom seems just as intent on seducing him as fighting him, and . . . huh, maybe there is a good reason to go see MTLLL after all.

Of course if you’re actually interested in muay thai, you’ll do better going to see a real muay thai fight. There’s a free card every Wednesday night in front of MBK, so you can save yourself 1,500 baht while you’re at it. On the other hand, if you’re interested in seeing a muay thai fight and the signboard out in front of the The Pink Panther keeps catching your eye, you’ll probably do better heading over to Asiatique where Broadway meets muay thai at MTLLL’s extravaganza. And even if you lose the battle with the ‘we took your picture when you arrived now give us 240 baht for a copy’ vendor at MTLLL, it will probably still cost you less than what your check bin would add up to at Pink Panther. But then that’s only if you prefer a bit of break dancing with your martial arts.

Rumor has it that they closed down Lumpini Stadium to force unsuspecting touri to head to Asiatique to get their fill of muay thai fighting. Or at least that will be the rumor now that I’ve started it.

So granted, MTLLL could improve by a costume malfunction or two, but it is not intended as an alternative to heading out to the stadium to spend an evening watching real muay thai fighters go at it; ‘the legend lives’ part of the show’s title is the give away. MTLLL is an encapsulated look at the 300 year history of the sport, with ‘history’ meaning tall tales told of legendary muay thai champions. If you are familiar with those stories, it’ll seem like old home week. If not, the tales told are more akin to Putin claiming he’s only interested in liberating Ukraine. But then to the victors goes the spoils, the winners get to dictate history, and alls well that ends well, even if Burma did beat Thailand 4 to 0. But then don’t take my critique of the show too seriously; I still haven’t figured out if the T in muay thai should always be capitalized or not and if so what you are supposed to do with the M (but I’m going with not ‘cuz otherwise that requires yet another stroke of the keyboard).

MTLLL’s opening number is The Prisoner with Eight Limbs, which may sound like a homage to the Saw movie franchise, but is actually a reference to the martial art known as the Art of Eight Limbs (that’d be two feet, two knees, two hands, and two elbows ‘cuz modern day muay thai rules prohibit the fighters striking blows to their opponent’s two balls) and the popular story of Nai Kanomthom, who back in the late 1700s was captured by the Burmese when they were busy capturing the entire northern section of Thailand. Boo Burma! To celebrate his country making Thailand its bitch, Lord Mangra, the Burmese King, decided to hold a big festival during which his top fighters would do battle with Thailand’s top fighters, who were now known as Lord Mangra’s top slaves.

Unfortunately for the Burmese, Nai Kanomthom trounced his first opponent using the Art of Eight Limbs, the loser of which whined that Nai cheated by using black magic. Nai said no, that was just a black eye and then went on to beat the shit out of another ten Burmese. Yeah Thailand! Lord Mangra was so not impressed with his fighters that he declared Nai Kanomthom the winner, granted him his freedom, and awarded him several Burmese women to be his wives and concubines. Boo Breeders! Nai Kanomthom returned to what was left of Thailand as a hero, and lived out his life teaching muay thai when he wasn’t busy battling between the sheets with his slew of wives and concubines. And that’s why today the Thai government is cracking down on illegal Burmese immigrants. Ooops. Wrong post. My bad.

Okay, I think I’ve seen that act before years ago at Future Boys.

Round two tells the legend of King Sri Saan Petch, aka “The Tiger King,” who was infamous for disguising himself in a tiger mask and competing in muay thai tournaments. The mask was not because he was known as The Tiger King, but because if his opponents knew he was the king they would not have fought him, probably because king’s tended to behead people who pissed them off back in those days. Although in MTLLL’s version it’s because the Thai people loved their king and didn’t want to see him lose. Or see Burma win again. In any case, the role of the king is played by ‘Art’ Attaporn of Beautiful Boxer fame, and he almost makes as good of a king playing the role of a muay thai fighter as he did playing a ladyboy. But then if you’ve ever pissed off a ladyboy hooker on Sukhumvit you probably already know how talented they are at using their fists, so maybe that’s just type-casting.

There’s another historical act, and then the show moves into modern times and the break dancers take over ‘cuz that’s what muay thai is really all about. The spectacular ends with a section on Thai heritage and a group performance of the wai kru, the weird dance/kneeling ritual that comes at the beginning of muay thai fights and MTLLL’s take is just as exciting as the real version. But at least the seats at MTLLL’s venue are nicely padded and quite comfy so you won’t get a crick in your neck from that short, restful nap you just took.

Admittedly the feats of athleticism featured in the show really are quite extraordinary, even if few are anything you’d ever see used inside of a real muay thai ring. And unlike in a real muay thai fight there is no blood (other than that spilt by those who paid the VIP seating price that costs 300 baht more than a regular ticket only to discover all that means is you get a ‘free’ box of popcorn and a soda) so those who abhor blood and violence will thoroughly enjoy MTLLL. As will those who visited Asiatique for the thrill of riding a ferris wheel. Ditto for every tuk tuk driver, taxi driver, and concierge in town who will try to sell you a ticket to MTLLL, because at 1,200 to 1,500 a pop there’s a lot of filthy lucre to go around.

Okay, I know I’ve seen that act before years ago at Future Boys.

Which is why it’s so difficult to escape all the hype of MTLLL as a tourist these days. But most manage to at least escape buying a ticket; packed in like sardines isn’t exactly the phrase you’d use to describe the audience. Some must have just farted is. And MTLLL isn’t fairing that much better on TripAdvisor, review are sparse. And even sparser when you realize Sadie K from Islamabad reviewed an actual muay thai fight she attended and not MTLLL, making her one of the few people in the world who would actually confuse the two. Everyone else said it was just like going to a movie. That MTLLL is a Hollywood version of the ancient fighting sport hits it pretty much squarely on the nose.

Noom, who is both a big fan of the Thai version of history and muay thai gave the show a big thumbs up for its frequent reference to Burma sucking and a big, “Not Real!” to most of its muay thai. After the show, he made sure to pose for a photo with ever one of the women from the show, but I think that had more to do with breasts than it did with his approval of the show.

Muay Thai Live: The Legend Lives is performed nightly, except for Sundays at 8:00 pm at The Stage at Asiatique. Tickets can be bought on arrival from the box office outside the theatre or in advance tickets online from Thai Ticket Master. Your best bet for getting there is taking the BTS to Saphan Taksin station and then the shuttle boat to Asiatique. The Stage theater is located at Warehouse 3 within the entertainment complex.

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Sex Break: Thai Flower Arranging For The Gay Guy

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sex Break

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Attractions, Bangkok

Like many things, the Thais make floral arts uniquely their own.

I’ll probably regret sharing this with you, but I started my working life as a florist. Okay, so I started my working life manning the front counter at McDonalds but since I got fired after two days I don’t think that counts. No matter how proud I am of that achievement. And I have an excuse for the florist thingy. At that time I had a girlfriend – yes, a real vagina – who attended a different high school than I did. Several of the area’s school districts joined together to offer vocational classes for seniors during the last three hours of the school day. She wanted to take the floral training block, and by my signing up too we got to spend part of our school day together. Awwww. Young love. The class was a success, our relationship not so much. She went on to become a mortician. And I went on to become gay.

Those classes were only a semester long. BUT, if you landed a job in that field you got credit for your employment and could go to work rather than school. So I did. I could simply say the rest is history and get on with the point of this post, but instead will tell you the florist business is one of feast or famine. On major flower giving holidays biz is blooming and demand is so great you could wrap up the weeds growing in the vacant lot across the street and desperate men would still buy them. Which I also did. You may be getting a small idea of why I lost that job at McDonalds. Outside of the holy flower giving days, bidness is dead. I don’t mean there is no business; there is. But you spend your days creating lovely works of floral art for dead people. ‘Cuz people feel obligated to send floral tributes to the dearly departed almost as much as guys do on Mother’s Day.

You wouldn’t think morticians have much of a sense of humor, but ya gotta find your laughs where you can. The first delivery I made to a funeral we were handling was one of those times. Everything was running smoothly until I got to the corsage the corpse’s family had ordered for the body and the funeral director told me it was my job to put it on the stiff. Yuk. I don’t like getting that close to old people even when they are still breathing. But I took a deep breath and then spent several minutes trying to pin the corsage to her blouse without getting dead tit. Much mirth among the funeral staff ensued. Finally one of the staff came over, lined up the corsage in perfect position, and then jabbed the corsage pin directly into her body to hold the flowers in place. Yup, that’s how they do it. So you may want to skip the corsage when your mom passes on. Or if you are not real fond of her, reserve the right of pinning on her corsage for yourself.

Bangkok’s Museum of Floral Culture is one of the city’s newer attractions.

As much as I enjoy checking out wats in Thailand, and as often as those wats feature dead people and/or bits and pieces of the dead Buddha, even I acknowledge there are other attractions worthy of a visitor’s time. I have a long list of places I’ve heard or read about that, some day, I want to take in. That list just keeps getting longer. At the rate new shopping malls are being built in Bangkok, those alone could keep me going for decades. So I rarely get around to checking out the places that have been waiting at the bottom of my list for years. On my most recent visit I decided to force myself to take in a few of those perennial must-dos. One of which – and I’m not sure why it ever made it to my list – was Bangkok’s Museum of Floral Culture. Maybe it was my years of toiling in the industry. Maybe it was because I’m a gay man. Maybe it was because it sounded better than The Sea Shell Museum. If you are a first-time visitor to Bangkok, I wouldn’t suggest the Museum of Floral Culture as part of your itinerary. But if you are a frequent visitor and are looking for something different to do, the museum makes for a tranquil outing for an afternoon.

The brainchild of internationally known floral artist Sakul Intakul – who is also the florist to the Thai royal court – the museum is set in a 100+ year old colonial-style two-story teak house built in 1920 by one of the officers of the palace guards, who was granted the land by the king. If you go on a weekend, Sakul is available to answer questions (and autograph his book), and just in case you were thinking that all floral designers are gay, after meeting the man you’ll quickly realize that is probably not just a stereotype. Opened in 2012, the museum is dedicated to the floral arts with an emphasis on their use in Thai art and culture. So it’s a bit of surprise that the one thing the museum is lacking in is flowers. Fresh blooms are few and far between. Your hotel lobby probably has a more massive display. The museum is more a tribute to the art of floral displays than a display of floral art. But then museums are (I’m told) supposed to educate, and in that task Sakul’s creation excels. And it still beats visiting Jim Thompson’s House of Silk for Sale hands down.

Located in a quiet residential area of Dusit district, the museum sits in a beautifully landscaped Thai-meets-Zen-style garden featuring shrubbery and trees planted in auspicious locations in accordance with ancient Thai beliefs; kind of a Thai geomancy version of feng shui for the garden At one time locals paid strict attention to what vegetation was planted in their gardens and where each type of tree or plant was located, all of which (when done properly) brought good fortune and luck to the residence. Nowadays, not so much. But the museum’s guides takes great care to explain the concept and it’s not a part of Thai culture you are likely to learn about elsewhere.

Who said all floral designers are gay?

Inside the house, each room serves as a different exhibition space. The first, the Dusit Gallery, displays photos of key members of the Thai court who helped to cultivate the Thai art of flower arranging during the reign of King Rama V. The World of Floral Culture is in the next room and features photos and plastic arrangements of floral displays used in festivals and ceremonies of Bali, India, Japan, Cambodia, Laos, and Tibet. There are two Heritage of Thai Flower Culture rooms, the first deals with the history of flower arranging in Thailand with a focus on how flowers, petals, leaves or other part of plant materials are sewn, pinned, weaved, tied, and folded to fabricate different forms of Thai floral art. Part II is all about banana leaves and how they are manipulated to create special offerings for the gods as well as Krathong floats. These two rooms were probably the most interesting of the tour as they dealt with the traditional styles of Thai floral arts.

There is another room or two on the tour (tours are mandatory, you can’t stroll through the museum on your own) and upstairs is an exhibit where Sakul shows you the drawings he makes in preparation for his creations, including his work that graced the state banquet tables at the Grand Palace for the 2006 celebration of King Bhumibol’s 60th anniversary on the throne.

None of which probably has you chomping at the bit to make the trek out to the Museum of Floral Culture. But wait! There’s more! As dull as the museum may sound, I would strongly recommend a visit for several reasons, all of which have to do with the experience rather than the attraction. And with a gay man in charge of things, you know parts of that experience are gonna be fabulous. First is getting there. It really is off the beaten path. You can take a taxi and hope for the best. But I’d instead recommend taking an orange flag river boat all the way up the Chao Phraya to Pier 18 (Payap) which will cost you a whopping 15 baht. That’s about a 45 minute ride from Central Pier and is an excursion in itself. From the pier it’s about a 15 minute hike to the museum through a mostly quaint residential section of old Bangkok, or you can catch a taxi (50 baht, 5 minutes).

How do they do that? The Museum of Floral Culture will show you.

One of the things that made me fall in love with Thailand when I first visited decades ago was the warmth and friendliness of the Thai people; there was a reason the country was known as the Land of Smiles. Nowadays, not so much. If you want a touch of that graciousness, a visit to the museum alone is worth the experience. The staff is wonderfully warm, welcoming, and interested in you. It’s as though along with the 100-year-old residence they’ve decided to put on a display of ancient Thai hospitality. Or maybe it’s just that several staff members are gay and recognize that quality in others. In any case, their friendliness is a major part of the experience.

The tour itself, which takes about 45 minutes – of which you’ll spend 40 minutes trying to decipher your guide’s attempt at English – is nothing to write home about. And you are not allowed to take photos inside of the house. But at the end of your tour it is suggested you stop to have tea and desserts on the open-air veranda: it will be the highlight of your visit. Whiling away another hour kicked back in colonial splendor is the perfect way to spend an afternoon at the museum; the Dok Mai Salon du Thé (finally) has fresh, beautiful flower arrangements adding to its ambiance and the salon is a perfect fit for the romantic atmosphere of this classic teak house.

The tea selections are all floral-infused and selected by Sakul. Try the Kathmandu Cinnamon Apple, a lively, fresh blend dominated by a delightfully aromatic burst of sweet and spicy cinnamon with a hint of juicy apples. A pot of tea runs 120 baht, or you could – and should – order the 240 baht set which comes with a selection of six exquisite Thai confectionary sweets. Not only do they look sumptuous, but they taste just as good, which may be a bit surprising at first if you are not familiar with Thai desserts.

It doesn’t get much better than an afternoon of sipping tea at the Dok Mai Salon du Thé.

As an added bonus, this year on the second Saturday of each month a special flower workshop is being held. Each session is limited to 12 participants (so book in advance) and each month the session covers a different subject such as the art of lotus petal folding, making a traditional pointed dome arrangement from jasmine blossoms, and stringing traditional flower garlands. Each course runs from 10am to noon and includes tea and sweets at a cost of 1,700 baht. Which may sound a but pricey, but at least you won’t have to do a vagina to gain some flower arranging skills like I did.

The Museum of Floral Culture is open from Tuesday to Sunday, 10.00am to 6.00pm. Guided tours are conducted in English at 11am and in Thai at 2pm and 4pm (although you may be the only people in your tour and then the language will be fit to your preference). Tours last for 45 minutes, but can easily stretch into an hour or more if you have lots of questions or just want to enjoy the house and grounds at a leisurely pace. Admission is 150 baht.

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