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Tag Archives: Phuket

Phuket Dreaming

02 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

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Movies & Television, Phuket

Uh, that'd be a wet dream.

Uh, that’d be a wet dream.

When you hear about fists flying in a Thailand resort town you probably think about incidences like the ladyboy in Pattaya who recently clobbered a Polish tourist with the spiked end of her high-heel shoe for interfering with the katoey’s attempt at soliciting the woman’s husband. But as is usually the case when it’s Pattaya versus Phuket, the one with clean water and tropical beaches scores the knock out punch. There’s a ladyboy in Phuket who would’ve instead taken on the Polish woman’s husband, and won. And these days, at least down south, there’s a good chance that husband would’ve spent his time in Thailand learning how defend himself instead of trolling Walking Street in an alcoholic daze susceptible to landing a dick when he thought he was getting a chick.

Ever since Parinya Charoenphol, aka Nong Toom, aka the Beautiful Boxer, aka the aforementioned ladyboy who would have been victorious, opened her gym in Phuket, the tropical paradise has become a hotbed of martial arts practioners. Strikers, grapplers, and former college wrestlers looking for a bit of payback for the years spent wearing ball-hugging singlets have flocked to an ever growing number of fight camps nestled among the island’s palm trees to brush up on their Muay Thai and MMA skills. Notable world title holders such as GSP, Anderson Silva, Tito Ortiz, and Roger Huerta have all spent time in Phuket, helping to make it one of the most popular Muay Thai training destinations in the world.

Despite MMA events being banned in Thailand since 2012 because the country’s athletic ministry deemed the popular sport “too brutal” (which is Thai for too much competition for Muay Thai), many MMA fighters make the trek to Phuket to train in Muay Thai because the style teaches how to throw elbow and knee strikes with enough force to cut or even knock out their opponent while in a clinch. Which are some of the most brutal strikes thrown in the sport. World renown schools like Tiger Muay-Thai and Phuket Top Team have filled that need, offering camps where you can train outdoors in the jungle in Phuket. While hordes of tourists flock to Patong Beach to practice the ancient sport of Tourists Gone Wild, many men – and a few women – with superb bodies land in Phuket to work up a sweat honing their skills at beating another human-being bloody. And if that doesn’t make for good TV, I don’t know what does.

Speaking of wet dreams, MMA Champ Roger Huerta spends most of his shirtless time in Phuket these days.

Speaking of wet dreams, MMA Champ Roger Huerta spends most of his shirtless time in Phuket these days.

Phuket Dreaming, which just began its second season, is the number one rated MMA WEB-TV series in the world. Delving into the life of fighters and the culture of Thailand, the reality show features two teams from competing gyms in Phuket as they work, train, and not act like desperate housewives. So it’s not the bloodiest of reality TV shows. But the flesh is all top rank, and the show offers a rare glimpse into the world of MMA fighters.

MMA is the fastest growing sport in the world. And according to some, the gayest sport in the world too. Which alone should be enough to give you an excuse to binge watch Season 1 of Phuket Dreaming. But even if you are not a fan of male bodies with zero body fat, the series still is worth your time. In and amongst the fighters training and actually fighting occasionally, its producers are using their show to highlight many of the more typical attractions of Phuket. Or at least those a MMA junkie would find attractive.

While ladyboys probably still outnumber MMA fighters in Phuket, you won’t find any on Phuket Dreaming (yet). But cock-fighting, shooting guns that are illegal in most parts of the world, cliff diving, ping pong shows, and the Phuket Vegetarian Festival have all been featured during the show’s first season. As did a day-tip to Koh Phi Phi. And if you need a sight to work up a bitch-slap at the least, Leonardo DeCaprio’s The Beach got a nod too. All of which makes the web-based series surprisingly watchable. Well, except for that unfortunate homage to Leo.

There's fight weigh-ins, and then there are championship fight weigh-ins.

There’s fight weigh-ins, and then there are championship fight weigh-ins.

Season 2 of Phuket Dreaming just kicked off with a segment featuring Muay Thai legends Lerdsilla and Nonsai Sor Sanyakorn, both of who use the same sinuous moves you’re probably more familiar with from watching bar boys dance on stage. But killer elbows and knees fly too and even if you don’t appreciate the fighting you’ll still be mesmerized by the fighter’s taut, brown bodies. Which for many is what Thailand is all about.

So if you are stuck thousands of miles away and looking for a touch of Thailand to help keep your dreams and memories alive, Phuket Dreaming might just be the answer. It’s almost as good as a YouTube video of the boys at work at Dreamboys. At least until someone catches a ladyboy going menstrual on an unsuspecting tourist in Pattaya.

(Click for the video of Phuket Dreaming Season Two, Episode 1 . . . Google will help you find the show's entire first season.)

(Click for the video of Phuket Dreaming Season Two, Episode 1 . . . Google will help you find the show’s entire first season.)

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There’s A Wrinkle In The Changing Face Of Phuket

06 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

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Phuket

What's the one thing Phuket's famous beaches don't have enough of?

What’s the one thing Phuket’s famous beaches don’t have enough of?

I get why the fans of Pattaya hate Phuket so much. It’s the beach resort version of penis envy. Phuket has picture postcard perfect tropical shorelines, Pattaya has a landfill trying to pass itself off as a beach. Phuket has 5-star hotels and luxurious exclusive resorts, Pattaya offers guest houses for under thirty-five bucks a night. Phuket draws celebrities and jet-set visitors from around the world, Pattaya’s allure attracts sex tourists who consider price before quality. Even Phuket’s jet ski scam puts Pattaya’s to shame. It’s a rivalry, but a one-sided rivalry at best. Mention Pattaya to fans of Phuket and all you’ll get is a sneering chuckle. As if.

But Pattaya isn’t alone in its grass is always greener syndrome funk. Phuket may not consider Pattaya competition, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t compare itself to other popular tourist destinations, or that when it does it doesn’t find itself coming up short too. Perhaps not as a beach resort, but in over-all numbers Phuket has something to be jealous about. And it’s doing something about it. Although Phuket may do better by following Pattaya fans’ lead and just haul out the hate instead.

A mere 283 nautical miles, or a 8 1/2 hour drive, or just over an hour in the air away from Phuket, Penang, Malaysia is a popular SE Asian tourist destination. It too has beaches, although Phuket’s are much more stunning. But it has a bustling downtown area filled with colonial era buildings painted every color of the tropical rainbow. A World Heritage Site, Penang is known for its architecture, its fascinating fusion of the East and West, its rich Chinese heritage, its awesome temples, its harmonious multiracial populace and old-world charm, its clan jetties, its botanical gardens and national forest, and its scrumptious hawker food. The ‘Pearl of the Orient’ is truly a tropical paradise that offers something for everyone, from historical buffs and nature park enthusiasts to those just wanting to relax on a sun-drenched beach. Almost all attractions difficult for Phuket to compete with. But what really sets Penang apart in Phuket’s eyes is the one tourist demographic Penang excels at: old people.

The crack of dawn on Patong Beach will soon take on a whole different meaning.

The crack of dawn on Patong Beach will soon take on a whole different meaning.

With an economy heavily dependent on tourism, Phuket has studied the issue and reached a conclusion: It needs old people, and a lot of them. Maybe even more than Pattaya attracts. Local officials, tour agents, and business folk from various parts of the island recently met to hash out ideas for what best would entice the geriatric set to Phuket. ‘Cuz the one thing they all agree on is beaches filled with discarded Depends is surely the path to prosperity.

Associate Professor Saranya Bunnag of the Social Sciences Faculty at Prince of Songkhla University (PSU) says “I believe we should attract more elderly tourists to come in Phuket. In Penang in Malaysia they get lots of these people. It would be good if we in Phuket can do the same.”

She said that the PSU research team has already begun collecting information about the behavior of old people on holiday. “They like comfortable accommodation and food that is easy to digest. They like visiting natural places such as the hot springs in Ranong, and places of history,” she says. What she didn’t say is why in the world Phuket thinks attracting elderly tourists, who are know for being cheap, is the path to riches for Phuket.

Forget the Kardashians, Phuket wants to feast on the naked flesh of Steven Tyler's man boobs instead.

Forget the Kardashians, Phuket wants to feast on the naked flesh of Steven Tyler’s man boobs instead.

Sure, the nightly scene on Walking Street is getting out of hand, but bussing in the elderly will kill that golden goose. When the oldies start showing up, the youth of the world quickly find a greener pasture. Just look at FaceBook these days. And granted, Kim Kardashian and Rihanna might not be the typical tourist you want to attract – for obvious reasons – but Phuket is a well-known tropical destination for globe-trotting celebrities. At least until it becomes a popular hang-out for the nursing home set. And as loath as I am to have to see Kim Kardashian’s naked ass yet again, that’s still preferable to Steven Tyler’s septuagenarian set of man boobs.

You have to wonder if they banned the use of umbrellas on Phuket’s beaches just to make room for the large number of walkers they are soon expecting. Or maybe it’s just about self-preservation. If another tsunami hits, with a beach full of octogenarians, the path to higher ground and safety is gonna be fairly clear for anyone under fifty. I’m just not sure Phuket has really thought their new tourism scheme through. Sure it’ll be a boon for the fixed, high price tuk tuk industry; the elderly will need transpo just to make it down the block. But are ladyboys who can put off their retirement by decades and still hear how much they look like some tourist’s granddaughter really what the world needs?

How many 70-year-olds are gonna sign up for an afternoon of fun on a jet ski? And will the jet ski operators be able to pull off demanding thousands of baht for damage caused by incontinence alone? It already takes van transpos hours to get from the airport to Patong Beach thanks to their obligatory stop at headquarters to sell passengers over-priced tour packages. Has anyone considered how long that trip will take when the van has to pull over for a potty break every fifteen minutes?

The new definition of The Land of Smiles if Phuket gets its way.

The new definition of The Land of Smiles if Phuket gets its way.

Phuket cleared away a lot of the commercial mess from its beach areas so that tourists could once again delight in the views its known for. When the senior citizens take over they are gonna have to rebuild those spots just to accommodate all the Sizzler’s the old folk will demand. And the colorful shops selling beach towels, hats, and sarongs will give way to druggists trying to keep up with the old folks’ daily pharmaceutical needs. Street vendors will have to learn that even after haggling their ass off to make a few baht of profit, they’ll still have to give a senior citizen’s discount or suffer the consequences. While balloon chasers are strictly a Pattaya phenomenon today, they’ll be part of Phuket’s landscape in the near future.

Nevertheless, Bunnag and her crew at PSU are pushing the plan to turn Phuket into a rest home forward. They’ll be presenting their final report to the Federation of Thai Industries within the next two weeks. “We aim to help create a new target market [the elderly] and create new tour routes for them in Phuket,” she says. And Pattaya will finally have something it already does better than Phuket.

TIT: The Dangers Of Wild Pussy In Thailand

24 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Phuket, Stupid Tourist Tricks

I know the thought that just flittered through your mind. And you are one sick puppy.

I know the thought that just flittered through your mind. And you are one sick puppy.

As if Thailand’s southern tropical destinations weren’t already suffering in the world’s press enough, this week Phuket haters got something new to cheer about: an Australian tourist was mauled by one of the exhibits at the local version of Tiger Kingdom. The man, who was bitten on the legs and stomach, says he was riding an elephant earlier in the day and thinks the lingering scents may have contributed to the tiger’s actions, not unlike what may happen if you off a bar boy early in the evening and then a ladyboy later that night. Because Aussies are known as good sports – okay, Aussies are known as drunks, but most drunks are good sports – the victim was concerned the tiger would be put down now that it’s known as a man-eater. Officials at Tiger Kingdom scoffed at the idea of lost profits from killing off the attraction of their attraction and assured the man the tiger would instead be ‘retired’. Which is Thai for ‘given a new name.’ Responding to the incident, the police report they have identified the tiger in question and want the world to know it is a tiger from Myanmar, and not one from Thailand.

It seems whenever visitor counts are low one of the kingdom’s tiger attractions makes the news with a story about the latest tourist playing the role of cat food. Not surprisingly, it’s always an Aussie. Okay, so once it was a woman from New Zealand, but Thai tigers like the rest of the world assume those are both the same country. You’d think that an attraction that allows humans to molest wild animals one-on-one would be perfectly safe, but considering all the bar boy who done me wrong stories out there, obviously tourists are quickly headed towards becoming an endangered species. But then the only tourists in danger are those stupid enough to believe that if they’ve paid 500 baht, playing with a tiger that its handlers insist is not drugged is perfectly safe. And that ladies and gentlemen is Darwinism at work.

I encountered my first tiger to be petted in Thailand several decades ago at a crocodile farm just outside of Bangkok. You’ll note that as popular as the opportunity of getting close to an animal that you shouldn’t is, that photo op of you sticking your head in a croc’s mouth just doesn’t exist. But there was a tiger on downers for you to take what may become your final selfie with, and being the brave soul that I am I immediately suggested my buddy Dave smile for the camera. And he did. On reflection, my recent decision to upgrade Dave to boyfriend status over Phil may have benefited from a few more trips down memory lane first. But then since Dave and I will soon be in Thailand again and he’s not yet had the chance of visiting Chiang Mai’s Tiger Kingdom, so Phil may still have a shot at the title.

Looks like show time in Sunee Plaza.

Looks like show time in Sunee Plaza.

Noom and I visited that attraction just after it opened several years ago. There were lots of signs posted warning against all the things you should not do when playing with a tiger. Playing with a tiger should have been one of them, but then there’s no money in that. Not cautious enough to stay outside of the cage, I was nonetheless cautious in my approach, and ready at all times to show just how quickly an aging farang can scale a chain link fence at the first sign of trouble. Noom, on the other hand, immediately set to violating every rule posted. And the tigers loved him. Polite enough to not mention that the only creature in that cage that day acting like a pussy was yours truly, later Noom summed up why he seemed so unconcerned about what could have happened with one of his favorite standard explanations: “Because I Thai.” I think when we visit Tiger Kingdom with Dave I’m gonna take Noom to ride an elephant first.

One of the problems Tiger Kingdom faces is that tigers are in fact an endangered species. If you don’t believe that, take a trip to Bangkok’s amulet market by the Grand Palace on any weekend and check out all of the tiger parts available for sale. (Tiger claws, by the way, make for a cool souvenir. Better yet, when you buy them by the paw they run less than ten bucks a piece and you can sell them back home for $100 per claw.) Those tigers that didn’t make it to the amulet market yet, are a natural for Tiger Kingdom but the competition for tigers to profit off is fierce in Thailand. That means the attraction often has to make due with its current horde. And tigers, like sexpats, tend to get grumpy as they age.

Young(er) tigers are safe(r) tigers to unleash on the public with more baht in their pocket than brains in their head. By the time they hit puberty (the tigers, not the touri) they become a bit too aggressive and when they aren’t getting any like to take their frustrations out on the closest moving object. Especially slow moving ones like drunk Aussie tourists. On our first visit to Tiger Kingdom, the attraction was still new, and so were the tigers. A few years later we hit the Kingdom again, with some lesbians in tow, and the tigers were not as happy to see us. The handlers were pretty bored by their jobs by then too and rather than keeping a close eye on their charges opted to take their own frustrations out on the tigers. While insisting your best photo op was to mount a tiger from its back. There’s a good reason tigers are not generally known as the bottoms of the animal world. Even when the staff has slipped a few roofies in their breakfast.

Keeping the rest of your body outside the cage is not a bad idea either.

Keeping the rest of your body outside the cage is not a bad idea either.

Hindsight being what it is, we’d mistakenly scheduled the lesbians’ opportunity to ride an elephant later in the day. And bloodlust being what it is, assume that at least the two who were actual women were not menstruating during our visit either. Noom, being what he is, immediately stuck his face in the face of a tiger as soon as we entered the first enclosure (even though that particular tiger was a lion). No problemo. The lions were a new attraction and were still young ‘uns who’d not yet learned just how dangerous tourists can be. The tigers, not so much. They were a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit hungry looking. And they were moving. The staff had evidently not yet learned you need to adjust their medication as they grow. Or maybe they were just smart enough to not want to get that close to a wild tiger. I noticed even Noom was encouraging others in the group to get up close and personal rather than hogging the spotlight as is his wont.

But pussy is pussy and the lesbians needed little encouragement to stick their face in one. The little gay boy was a bit more circumspect. But then being a bottom himself, maybe it was just his unfamiliarity with being on top. Before I could come up with a good excuse to pass on the experience – I thought ‘I already posed for that photo op’ might do the trick – the tiger showed one of its better talents by using its teeth to destroy a coconut that had been too stupid to stay out of the cage. You’d think tiger teeth would be more popular at the amulet market. With a dead coconut rolling at our feet, we all decided we didn’t want to be late for our elephant ride.

There was a speed boat accident down south this week too; several tourists will never get their chance to stare down a tiger in person. As Thai officialdom likes to do after someone has died thanks to the Thai version of capitalism, they are now passing new legislation regarding speed boat tour safety. No one has made a whisper about new regulations regarding Australians paying to be mauled by a tiger. Maybe if their womenfolk would stop having their hair corn-rolled when on holiday in SE Asia, there’d be more of an outcry over damaged Aussies.

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TIT: You Can Take The Girl Out Of The Bar, But . . .

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Phuket, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Showing her deep understanding of Thai culture, Rihanna makes merit with an offering to herself.

Showing her deep understanding of Thai culture, Rihanna makes merit with an offering to herself.

Where in the hell is Chris Brown when you need him?

Celebrity visits to Thailand always seem to make the news. Amazing Thailand indeed, the unique juxtaposition of historical culture, exotic and breathtaking scenery, and in-your-face sleaze that is everyone’s favorite SE Asian country always manages to bring out the best in visitors, allowing them to leave their indelible stamp on The Land of Smiles. From Lady Gaga making a pit stop at a local Drag Show for Tourists and thinking that had something to do with supporting The Gays, to George Bush The Sequel’s incredibly huge travel entourage whose presence doomed whatever mission of failed diplomacy he was in town to attempt, to PM Yingluck making googoo eyes at President Obama and saving him from having to visit a gogo bar for the Thai woman in heat over the size of your wallet experience, to Jeremy Renner’s death defying visit to the Thai version of a barroom brawl – and that’s not to mention both Davey Wavey’s and the Gay Travel Guru’s singular visits to the Land of Smiles that then qualified them as experts on the country as they dispensed travel advice for the truly clueless – there is something about Thailand that infects the sensibilities of Personalities quicker than Paris Hilton can pass on genital herpes to her latest BFF (and you thought she didn’t know the meaning of ‘forever’).

Pop star and diva wanna-be Rihanna is the latest celebrity to make the news while visiting Thailand. She was in Phuket – the part of the country everyone loves to hate even though it attracts more than 5 million visitors per year – for a long weekend, managing to stir up the locals and her millions of Twitter fans thanks to a never-ending stream of Tweets and Instagram selfies, some of which lead to arrests and crack-downs by the local authorities. Which is no mean feat for a celebrity whose prior claim to fame was being the punching bag for a rapper with a cock the size of Nakhon Ratchasima province.

Since it wouldn’t all fit in on the first photo I posted of it . . .

Since it wouldn’t all fit in on the first photo I posted of it . . .

The Barbadian beauty with major back, taking a quick break from her Diamonds World Tour hit Phuket over the weekend and rather than visiting one of the hi-so resort areas decided to slum it like the masses and headed for Patong Beach instead. You wouldn’t think Soi Bangla would be a hang out for the rich and famous, but RhiRhi couldn’t resist the allure of Patong’s naughty nightlife, nor the allure of documenting every single moment of her adventure. You’d think with MMA stars like Roger Huerta, Georges St.-Pierre, Jose Aldo, and Anderson Silva to name but a few calling Phuket home while during training Rihanna could have at least spent some time with a few equally minor celebrities who know a thing or two about the island instead of spending her time in the more heavily touristed areas. But then on second thought maybe taking the chance at pissing off a guy who really knows how to throw a punch might not be that good of an idea.

Succumbing to the delights that Thailand offers, RhiRhi managed to cause a bit of a brouhaha by tweeting a photo of herself posed with some of the local wildlife. Unfortunately for the Thais who were making a living off of the stupidity of tourists, one of her photos showed her cuddled up with a furry primate called the slow loris. Which just happens to be an endangered species. As is now the career of said locals.

The slow loris, a squirrel-like animal with big eyes, is native to Southeast Asia and is listed as a protected species. Thanks to Rihanna’s Kodak moment local authorities took a break from busting jet ski scam artists and arrested two locals – a 20-year-old man and a 16-year-old boy – who now face charges of possession of protected animals. The charge carries a penalty of up to four years in prison and a 40,000 baht ($1,300) fine. Which in Thai means about 5,000 baht in tea money.

The slow diva poses with a slow loris.

The slow diva poses with a slow loris.

“Phuket authorities were alerted to the picture (of Rihanna), and last night police arrested the two individuals who brought out the loris as a photo opportunity for tourists,” reported Phuket district policed chief, Weera Kerdsirimongkon. Police confiscated two lorises from the pair. Weera said authorities have tried for years to crack down on the problem of vendors exploiting wildlife, particularly in popular tourist areas where people pay to pose for pictures with elephants, orangutans and other animals.

“It’s like a cat-and-mouse game. But this time it’s bigger because a celebrity like Rihanna posted the picture, and there were more than 200,000 ‘likes’ from around the world,” he said. Nice to know Phuket’s law enforcement efforts are based on the popularity of the crime.

The Instagram photo Rihanna shared on Twitter was captioned: “Look who was talkin dirty to me!” Which was typical of not only her one track mind but proves today’s R&B stars should not be allowed anywhere near a computer without the supervision of a publicist. Throw in her captioning of the photo she posted of herself playing with elephants on Patong’s Walking Street: “They all hail Empress when She walk by” and grammar aside instead of being sentenced to community service for bitch slapping RhiRhi, Brown should have been congratulated for the community service he performed. Okay, so that’s not quite in league with The Bieb surrendering his pet monkey to the gestapo, but evidently, while prostituting elephants to tourists on the street is also illegal in Thailand, that photo didn’t rack up as many ‘Likes’ so Phuket’s police ignored the infraction.

Maybe the little gay boy standing next to her might have tipped you off that that wasn’t no lady.

Maybe the little gay boy standing next to her might have tipped you off that that wasn’t no lady.

As they, and the rest of the world, did of her photo which she captioned “‘She was either tryna get married to me, or asking for the rest of my crop over costume!” Not that ladyboys are illegal in Thailand. But you’d think after dating Rob Kardashian Rihanna would recognize a ladyboy when she saw one. Of course you do have to give her a bit of a pass, not only because she’s more interested in getting down and dirty with lesbians than ladyboys (though Kardashian counts in both categories), but thanks to eyeballing what those elephants were packing probably brought Brown back to mind. Which, in turn, like with every other horny tourist in Patong meant Rhi’s next stop was one of Thailand’s famous ping pong shows.

Her Twitter comments on that part of her adventure must have racked up even more ‘Likes’ than did her adorable shot of mugging with an endangered species (uh, the slow loris, not Rob Kardashian) ‘cuz that one caught the attention of Phuket Governor, Maitree Intusoot. Thanks to her spreading the news of Thailand’s sex shows globally, Maitree now claims that the authorities will investigate and anyone found running an illegal sex show will be prosecuted. District Chief Officer Weera, fresh from his success in busting the slow loris scoundrels chimed in noting that his administration often inspects the entertainment complexes in Patong, and that they have prosecuted unlicensed bars and clubs where illegal sex shows were performed in the past. Or at least those behind in their tea money payments.

Even stealing Miley’s tongue action for the shot didn’t impress the elephant. Knowing how well she takes Chris Brown’s trunk-like appendage might have though.

Even stealing Miley’s tongue action for the shot didn’t impress the elephant. Knowing how well she takes Chris Brown’s trunk-like appendage might have though.

Many Thais reportedly feel the singer’s choice of words was disrespectful. Her critics weren’t concerned with her promotion of the country’s sex industry to her 31 million Twitter followers, rather they took issue with her use of the phrase “only in #Thailand” , tweeted after describing her ping-pong show experience. Some netizens pointed out that Rihanna’s choice of words was somewhat ironic considering that she is about as well-known for her music as she is for her sex tape. Not to mention her nude selfies. But that’s the problem with using Google Translate; the incensed Thais missed the point in her tweet. What she said was:

“Either I was ph*ck wasted lastnight, or I saw a Thai woman pull a live bird,2 turtles,razors,shoot darts and ping pong, all out of her p*$$y. The birds feathers were all damp! Lol And THEN she tried to turn water into coke in her $!! Uhh yea, all I’m saying is water went in and soda came out! I’m traumatized!!!”
And what traumatized the 25-year-old Queen of Pop whose own pussy has performed for the likes of Colin Farrell, Ashton Kutcher, Drake, Matt Kemp, Rashard Lewis, Dudley O’ Shaughnessy, Ryan Phillippe, Josh Henderson, Josh Hartnett, Shia LaBeouf, J. Cole, Jay-Z, Meek Mill, JR Smith, Nicki Minaj, Debbie Coda, Melissa Forde, and of course Chris Brown – before, during, and after taking the phrase ‘hiting it’ to new heights – was that the far less experienced Thai gogo girl couldn’t managed to pull a bird out of her pussy without getting the bird’s feathers damp.

Maybe Rihanna should stick to posting photos of what she knows best.

Maybe Rihanna should stick to posting photos of what she knows best.

Phuket has enough problems with its rep among tourists. The authorities might do better by clamping down on visiting celebrities than on sex shows and endangered specie photo ops. Thank the gods Justin has just landed in Bangkok and we can be assured of some sane celebrity news coming out of Thailand now.

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I Hate Phuket

26 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Phuket, Scams, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Phuket Dangerous.

Hey, finally a post the sexpats who spend their lives on the gay Thai message boards will enjoy! Or at least a post title they’ll like. The actual article, not so much.

What is with the all the hate for Phuket? From posts on the boards you’d think it was some crime infested sleazy little beachside town filled with the world’s lowest of lowlifes. But that’s Pattaya. And the boys who love boys love Pattaya. Bring up Phuket though and the rancor ratchets up to levels that surpass the Christian god’s opinion of Sodom and Gomorrah. On the message board, Phuket comes off sounding like Calcutta on steroids. You’d think Syria would be a safer spot to vacation listening to these folk.

I’m not sure why Phuket has become Thailand’s whipping boy. Maybe it was using those typhoon relief funds to build beach volleyball courts on Patong Beach. Whatever it was that Thailand’s best known southern beach resort area did, the gods were not amused. And they’ve taken it out on the rationality of gay Thailand forum posters. I haven’t seen such passion for hatred since LMTU and Beachball courted each other.

According to online reports, gangs of waves frequently terrorize tourists in Phuket.

Posters over at SGT froth at the mouth the most whenever Phuket is mentioned, but Jabba The Butt’s band of merry men sharpen their claws just as quickly. On both forums they trash Phuket but mean Patong Beach. Not that pesky little facts should ever get in the way of a good hissy fit. Anything and everything about Pattaya and Pedo Plaza meanwhile gets excused and defended. Not that a little bias ever hurt a good hissy fit either.

Kjun12 – or Kunt12 as BrisbaneGuy has aptly nicknamed him – seems to be the leader of the pack when it comes to vilifying Phuket. Just try to find any on-line Thailand forum where he hasn’t posted about how dangerous Phuket is. And he backs his claims up with facts too. A German tourist was beaten by a tuk tuk driver when the tourist refused to pay 200 baht for his ride. And a local woman had her purse and cell phone stolen. Yup, that’s a crime wave that screams for someone to fire up the Bat Signal.

Fountainspew chimes in condemning local authorities for failing to post warnings on the beaches about jellyfish, citing Hawaii’s practice of closing beaches when jellyfish appear while ignoring the fact that you don’t see barefoot construction workers using bamboo scaffolding in the Aloha State either. In his warning Fountainspew does however move to the positive and recommends all visitors pack a vial of vinegar when visiting the beach to use on jellyfish stings. Not that Fountainspew would need to exercise that precaution because peeing on a sting is just as effective and with him there surely would be no shortage of volunteers for that job. Even Beachball – forgetting to check his notes that says Phuket is his favorite destination in Thailand – can’t help but jump on the bandwagon with the startling news that even Thais visiting Patong Beach can fall victim to scams. The horror!

Danger Will Robinson!
Ladyboys in Thailand have dicks!

Outside of the gay forum world there are plenty of Chicken Littles posting of Phuket’s dangers too. Virtualtourist.com alone has 180 entries. Which includes warnings about dastardly criminals preying on tourists such as: wild monkeys bite, rip tides are dangerous, the tropical sun can burn you, elephant camps mistreat their animals, and ladyboys are really men. In fact, the majority of warnings about the dangers of Phuket are about beach safety and road safety. And those threads that actually deal with crime, invariably started by Kunt12, all quickly dissolve into a general bitchfest about how dangerous the entire country has become. Because the rest of the world is such a safe place these days. Nevertheless, Phuket is the place that some just love to hate.

Phuket gets called the crime capital of Asia and the most dangerous place in Thailand. When its naysayers bother to provide specifics, they are always incidents that also happen throughout Thailand. And throughout the world. One site I visited that was exceptionally vehement with its warnings about Phuket, like most, relied on broad generalizations rather than specifics and – after throwing in the road and beach safety thingy for good measure – provided a handy list of suggestions to keep you safe when visiting Phuket.

The author first spoke of “crazy Thai men” who drive on the wrong side of the street, how life is cheap in Thailand and the death of a tourist doesn’t mean anything to Thais (adding how common it is to see a photograph in the newspaper of “Thai men pointing at the dead tourist with big smiles or smirks on their faces”) and about how Thais “have developed a hatred for foreigners in general,” just to show how unbiased he was. Then, he posted his #1 warning:

Damage to jet skis in Thailand can be costly. So can damage to bar boys.

“If you are staying in a high rise building, then make sure that you don’t get drunk on the balconies, as the railings on these buildings are not very high and it is easy to fall off them. It is also a good idea to not stay in one of these buildings if you are mentally unstable, as there are far too many people who leap to their deaths whilst on holidays. There are numerous reports of guys who come to Thailand and fall in love with bar girls and then they run out of money on their holiday and the fantastic times come to an end so they jump to their death.

If you are mentally unwell and you are staying in a high rise building and plan on getting drunk, then this could be a recipe for disaster, as the extra depression of knowing that you are leaving Thailand and being drunk could make you do that crazy thing that too many tourists seem to do. There is also rumors of foreigners getting thrown off buildings and there is no way to check to see if this is true or not, as the police often don’t even bother showing up at the scene of the falls anymore in Pattaya.”

Yup, the biggest danger to tourists in Phuket are the flying farang of Pattaya. Those high-rise buildings should all be hauled off to the Bangkok Hilton. Which surely is located somewhere around Phuket.

Yes, when you arrange transpo into Patong Beach from the airport if you are foolish enough to take one of the mini-vans they will stop to ‘shuffle’ passenger loads at their office where you can buy overpriced day tour packages. Or in Bangkok you can hop into a taxi at the airport and pay a fixed fee for your ride into town in what is supposed to be a metered taxi.

Ever wonder why the locals in some areas just aren’t that friendly?

Yes, there’s a good chance if you rent a jet ski in Phuket when you return it you’ll be forced to pay for ‘damages’ that magically appeared during your rental period. Or you can avoid that Phuket scam by instead returning it in Pattaya. Where you’ll be forced to pay for ‘damages’ that magically appeared during your rental period.

Yes, tuk tuk prices are fixed in Patong Beach and fares are grossly inflated. Or you can catch a taxi in Patpong at night, or at any one of Bangkok’s popular touri restaurants, or when it is raining, where the drivers have all fixed the fare to a standard grossly overinflated price.

Yes, the drunk Aussies on Walking Street are an unruly bunch that may scare timid queens. Oh wait, that’s Walking Street in Pattaya.

Yes, if you rent a scooter or bicycle in Phuket and keep your valuable in the basket mounted to the handlebars someone may rip you off. Or you can ride a songtaew in Pattaya where a gang of pickpockets will do that trick for you.

Yes, the tuk tuks are controlled by the mafia in Phuket. As they are in Bangkok. Along with the taxis.

Yes you can get mugged in Phuket wandering around dark streets late at night. And fans of Pattaya all know how safe it is to take a stroll along Beach Road late at night by yourself.

Water safety is a personal responsibility.

Yes, it is true the locals in Patong Beach are less friendly and you’ll seldom run across the famous smiles Thailand is known for when visiting there. But that is also true of Khaosan Road in Bangkok. Nor are the locals around Kuta as friendly as those outside of the heavily touristed areas of Bali. Whodathunk dealing with drunk, obnoxious, cheap-ass tourists all day would have an effect on the attitude of locals?

Yes, Paradise Complex is a shadow of its former self with bars closing so fast and furious it’d make your head spin. If your head was not already doing 360s from all the closures in Pattaya. And Phuket at least manages to scrape together an annual Gay Pride celebration.

Yes, it’s a shame Phuket does not have a Grand Palace to be closed, or touristy photo ops set up at Wat Arun to use to exhort money out of unsuspecting touri, or small gay-run restaurants where it seems every customer gets ill, or tall enough condos to provide a high enough mount for flying farang to leap from, or a beachfront avenue filled with ugly street walkers, or one-day tailors offering four suits for 1,000 baht, or large jewelry stores filled with overpriced shoddy merchandise, or upstairs bars where you’ll be charged 1,000 baht for a drink, or blocks full of Nigerian drug dealers battling for victims with Nigerian whores, or $60 visits to fake hilltribe villages where you can buy crafts made in Vietnam at five times the price they’re offered at back in town, or . . . Yup, Phuket is dangerous and filled with scams.

The biggest danger in visiting Phuket is that you’ll fall in love with its tropical beauty.

The one complaint Phuket haters can stand behind is the high cost of vacationing there. But then if you showed visitors pictures of the beaches around Phuket alongside those you’ll find in Pattaya and ask which would be a more expensive holiday destination, the answers would be unanimous.

Phuket is one of Southeast Asia’s premier vacation spots, with an average of over 3 million visitors each year. Most have an enjoyable, trouble-free vacation. Taking a bit of responsibility for your own personal safety is key. As it is when visiting anywhere on the planet. I hate to break it to you, but Phuket is a safe holiday destination. As long as you are aware of potential scams, don’t get into altercations with locals or drunk farang, know how to enjoy the beach safely, and be as aware of your surroundings as you would be in any other heavily touristed city in the world. Then your biggest danger would be finding that Kunt12 is holidaying in Phuket at the same time as you are.

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25 Uses For A Dead Elephant

30 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Thailand Travel Tips and Tales, Tips

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Phuket, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Oh stop. I really wasn’t gonna go there.
Okay one, but don’t ask for more:
#1. As a menswear mannequin in Pattaya.

A story about Thailand came over my news feed last week, which doesn’t happen often. America’s media doesn’t cover events in small SE Asian countries much. Not unless a high body count is involved. It’s not that we are not interested, don’t care, or are xenophobic, but rather we just got used to that reporting paradigm during the Vietnam War. It’s how we kept score.

But elephants are a different story. Elephants are an endangered species. People there are tons of. When there’s an elephant news story that involves a body count it tugs at everyone’s heart strings. Because elephants are cute. At least that’s what everyone says. I don’t think people who consider elephants cute have ever actually seen one up close and personal. They smell, have bad dental hygiene, and are covered in a sparse pelt of pubic hair. But then I can’t explain Ron Jeremy’s career either, so what do I know.

killer elephant

Stupid Touri Trick #526: Allowing a 7 ton wild animal to ‘hug’ you.

Elephants are not cute and cuddly like puppies are. Nor, like puppies, are elephants all about unconditional love. In fact, according to Time Magazine in partnership with CNN, world-wide it’s estimated that elephants kill over 500 people a year. Great white sharks only score 4. Elephants do not make good household pets. Elephants do however make good beasts of burden. But they move slowly. Which fits well with the Thai work ethic: so thumbs up, good match.

When there were more elephants in the world, they used them as mounts in war in India. Put a calvary riding horses up against one of elephants and you know who is gonna win. But not just any old elephants were chosen for battle. Indians used bull elephants for war, selecting those that were in musth, a state of violent, destructive frenzy occurring during the rutting season in male elephants accompanied by the exudation of an oily substance from glands between the eyes and mouth. (So there’s your word for the day: musth. Feel free to use it next time you are in Pattaya.) The only problem with using enraged and engorged bull elephants for the calvary was that the beasts tended to kill just as many Indians as they did whomever it was the Indians were fighting. But then that’s that body count thingy again. And so was this news story from the Associated Press that popped onto my computer screen:

BANGKOK (AP) — A new taste for eating elephant meat — everything from trunks to sex organs — has emerged in Thailand and could pose a new threat to the survival of the species.

Wildlife officials told The Associated Press that they were alerted to the practice after finding two elephants slaughtered last month in a national park in western Thailand.

“The poachers took away the elephants’ sex organs and trunks … for human consumption,” Damrong Phidet, director-general of Thailand’s wildlife agency, said in a telephone interview. Some meat was to be consumed without cooking, like “elephant sashimi,” he said.

Poachers typically just remove tusks, which are most commonly found on Asian male elephants and fetch thousands of dollars on the black market. A market for elephant meat, however, could lead to killing of the wider elephant population, Damrong said.

25 Uses For A Dead Elephant

I’ve never understood what black guys see in this.

I’ve watched locals in Thailand eat some pretty disgusting things. And they are not in the least bit shy about telling you what that gross stuff they are chewing on is. Elephant for a snack, however, was a new idea for me. And even though the story came from the AP and not Fox News, I had my doubts. Sounded like some gullible reporter getting his leg pulled by a Thai with a sense of humor. Who undoubtedly made a few baht off of the ‘scoop.’

A day later, the Phuket Gazette responded to the article which got picked up world-wide and even made it into Time magazine. Part of the AP report centered the problem in Phuket, a popular beachside resort destination, where according to their source elephant meat was being ordered by restaurants. Phuket Governor Tri Augkaradacha said he had never heard of elephant being eaten on Phuket and that an investigation failed to substantiate the claim.

I was ready to call bullshit on the original AP article, but then since the same official has denied the existence of jet ski scams, the world of Mafia controlled fixed-price tuk tuks, and airport transpo vans that take you to day-trip concessionaires instead of your hotel, it seems there may in fact be some truth to the story.

The AP named a Phuket-based brother and sister as suspects in the elephant meat caper. They run a law consulting firm in Phuket and own a rubber plantation near a national park in the next province. Both were shocked to find they’d been identified as the masterminds behind the elephant meat scandal. Local authorities were as surprised even though they had been investigating the dead elephant problem – that does not exist – and had stopped the brother and searched his car for traces of elephant meat – which does not exist. The suspect, who hasn’t a clue as to how this rumor started, reported the police had found no evidence of nonexistent dead elephants in his Suzuki Vitari during a search of the vehicle on January 7th. One has to wonder how much it cost the alleged poacher to have the police not find anything in his car.

So lesson learned: do not believe everything you read in the newspaper. Or everything you are told by the authorities in Thailand.

elephant roadkill

Roadkill in Africa only lasts as long as it takes to bring a pot of water to boil.

As in the human world, it’s much better being an Asian elephant than an African elephant. In Africa, elephant roadkill means the entire village will be fed. I know. Shocking. Horrifying. A dead elephant being cut up for dinner incites rage in all of you us. A village full of malnourished children with extended bellies, not so much. But then elephants are cute. Starving children don’t bring on the same warm fuzzies. If it helps, don’t think of it as elephants being killed for food, but rather the locals’ dedication to going green.

The idea of chowing down on some Dumbo gumbo however is repulsive to most Thais. The elephant is their nation’s symbol and Thais love elephants. So much so that the Bangkok Post reported last week that 2012 is stacking up to be a banner year for elephants in Thailand. Custom officials report large-scale tusk smuggling has reached a record high already this year, with at least 2,500 dead elephants used for ivory.

Like prostitution in Thailand, poaching elephants is banned, and trafficking or possessing poached animal parts also is illegal. But elephant tusks are sought in the illegal ivory trade and the quest for ivory remains the top reason poachers kill elephants in Thailand. And of course, you will never ever see ivory for sale everywhere you look in Thailand.

fat expat

The absence of a too small swimsuit should tell you it’s an elephant, not an expat walking down the road in front of you.

Soraida Salwala, the founder of Friends of the Asian Elephant foundation, said a full grown pair of tusks could be sold from 1 million to 2 million baht, while the estimated value of an elephant’s penis is more than 30,000 baht. In Pattaya, it’s under-age elephant penis that is the draw and according to rumors can be found in Sunee Plaza for as little as 10,000 baht. Regardless of age, size, or end-use, a dead elephant is worth more than a live elephant in Thailand.

Thailand has fewer than 3,000 wild elephants and about 4,000 domesticated elephants, according to the National Parks Wildlife and Plant Conservation Department. Domesticated elephants are considered to be commercial animals under the Beast of Burden Act 1939. The owner has the right to trade and use the animal at will. Owners of elephants register them and are issued a license, much like a drivers license since the Act was established in the time elephants were still a means of transportation in Thailand. Elephant rights activists claim this outdated form of ownership fails to protect the animals and allows elephants to be sold to those who will abuse and mistreat them.

The Thai Animal Guardians Association (AGA) reports sales of domesticated elephants cause these smart and sentimental animals considerable stress and difficulty in adjusting from one new owner to the next. Many trainers who walk elephant through the streets of Bangkok – which is also illegal so you certainly will never see elephants on every other corner in Patpong – are neither the original or real owners – just keepers. These keepers have no emotional ties to the elephants, tend to mistreat the animals and cannot control them during an emergency. Unfortunately the AGA also claims, in an attempt to further pull heart strings, that many elephants in Thailand are fed beer and amphetamines for the entertainment of tourists. Right. Over stating your point is never a good idea; we all know a Thai is not gonna waste his yaba supply on an elephant.

But it’s the interaction and bonding between the giant pachyderms and humans that is responsible for the world’s love affair with elephants. Elephants share many human traits, are known for their intelligence, societal customs and behavior, and long memories. Like humans, who are typically right or left handed, elephants are usually right or left tusked. And they display varied personality traits like humans too. Elephants, through testing, have been proven to possess self-awareness (one of Beachlover’s goals for 2012).

eyeballin'

Like humans, elephants possess self awareness. Like humans, elephants form communities. They also kill over 500 people each year, much like humans’ inner city youth.

Before they became valuable for jewelry making, household decorations, food, and aphrodisiacs, tradition in Thailand was for a boy to be assigned to a baby elephant at birth to act as its trainer and companion for life; an obvious and close bond developed between the two. It’s not unusual for elephants to have this type of relationship with humans. The following story I found on the internet perfectly exemplifies the elephant/human dynamic:

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It probably wasn’t the same elephant.

[No elephants were harmed in the making of this post. Oh, wait. That one in Zimbabwe didn’t fare too well. Never mind.]

Gay Thailand

18 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Chiang Mai, Gay Bangkok, Phuket

gay thailand

From Chiang Mai in the north to Phuket in the south, there’s a gay Thailand that will appeal to every taste.

Gay Thailand. Those two words conjure up an immediate mental picture in the mind of every gay man who has ever visited the Land of Smiles. It might be your favorite gay gogo bar, pub, area, boy, all – or none – of the above. But your picture of gay Thailand and my picture of gay Thailand may well be different. That’s one of the things that makes Thailand such a great place for gay men to visit. It offers something for everybody. There’s a gay Thailand for every taste, every desire, every interest, and every budget.

Bangkok alone offers dozens of versions of gay Thailand. Some gay visitors only delve into the community by passing evenings at one of the pubs on Soi 4. Some don’t even go that far, their version of gay Thailand is a once in a lifetime visit to a foreign locale where they can be intimate in public with their partner (within reason) with no concern of receiving so much as a scowl. Some visitors cruise the shopping malls for a date. Others cruise the same establishments for a quick anonymous tryst in the restroom. There are aficionados of the numerous saunas and spas, those who only visit massage parlors that offer a happy ending, and others who spend every night in one of the gay gogo bars on Soi Twilight. Gogo bar fans on a tighter budget or who enjoy an extra dose of sleaze with their sleaze head for the anything goes bars that are spaced along the soi where the infamous muscle lover’s bar, Tawan squats. And then there are the suck cinemas and familiar street corners where non-professional professional companions hang out waiting for a date. Not to mention the areas along Sukhumvit where you are guaranteed the lady you pick up won’t be. It’s no wonder ‘gay Thailand’ invokes such different visions amongst gay men. There is something for every gay man in Thailand.

The men of Thailand are as different from each other as the gay experience in Thailand is. From lissome young lads with skin whiter than a winter in Minneapolis, to dark dusky men who, with the right accent, could be easily confused for one of Sukhumvit’s Nigerian flesh peddlers, in Thailand there is a vast smorgasbord of available guys. Even visitors who swear they don’t like rice easily succumb to temptation. Thais, generally, are the least Asian looking Asians on the planet. Unless you are really into Asians, because they’ll qualify there too. Young or old, skinny, fat, or muscle bound, Thai guys come in all shapes and sizes. And rarely will you find a more friendly group of men. Nowhere will you find a group of men so willing to play their expected role in whatever fantasy is coursing through your mind.

gay thailand

Thailand’s natural beauty is its attraction to many gay men.

Within hours of landing in Thailand, you can find the perfect guy. One who will be your date, or your friend, a companion to see the country’s sites with, or a fuck buddy to spend the late night hours with. Regardless of your age, looks, or income level, you can find a guy with whom you can fall in love, or a guy who will rock your world sexually. A partner for a quickie or one to spend your entire holiday with are equally on the menu. For a gay visitor in Thailand, you will find exactly what you seek. And that’s before you even begin to consider where in Thailand you plan on spending your time.

Most international visitors to the kingdom land in Bangkok. Some never leave Thailand’s capital city. Others head almost immediately to where their vision of gay Thailand lays. While it is possible to discover your gay Thailand in the less tourist regions of the country, most gay men holiday either in Bangkok, Pattaya, Phuket, or Chiang Mai. Each is unique, each has something different to offer, and each tends to fit gay travellers’ expectations to a T.

Bangkok is the cosmopolitan center of Thailand and offers the largest variety of accommodations and experiences for gay men. You could easily visit Bangkok a dozen times and walk away with a different vision of gay Thailand on each. There are clubs and discos, both gay and mixed, pubs, bars, coffee shops, and restaurants all geared toward the gay visitor. Bangkok’s saunas run the gamut from those situated for tourists to those on the outskirts of town frequented predominately by locals. Massage shops abound, and gay gogo bars await, clustered together to make a night out prowling the bar world a breeze. But for some, Bangkok sets too hectic of a pace. And for many, the city’s gay establishments, not to mention its men, are just too expensive. You can set your own pace, and you can do Bangkok on a dime. But most gay visitors looking for a more casual atmosphere and a lower cost of living head for one of the other gay areas of Thailand.

gay thailand

From gay owned guest houses to five star hotels, Thailand has the perfect accommodation for every budget.

Pattaya, Thailand’s version of Sin City, is the closest to Bangkok and can be reached by public transportation if you really want to go cheap. While there are some attractions and Buddhist temples in and around Pattaya, it exists for one primary reason: Sex. Pattaya has no five star resorts. Its infrastructure is almost nonexistence. And it’s waters are heavily polluted. Rip-offs and scams are common. No one seems to care. The gay Thailand envisioned by Pattaya aficionados is all about naked flesh. And young naked flesh seems to be the most popular dream.

In Bangkok, your vision of gay Thailand can easily not include the commercial sex scene. In Pattaya, it’s required by law. No one goes to Pattaya for the beautiful views, or the pristine beaches and turquoise blue waters. No one goes to Pattaya because they love Thailand’s wats or to spend their days at museums. Pattaya has none of that. What it does have is hundreds, if not thousands, of available men everywhere you look. And for a price, they are all willing to make your fondest dreams come true. On a budget.

For the sex tourist, Pattaya is pure heaven. You don’t have to go looking for sex in Pattaya, it will find you. And it’ll cost you a fraction of the price an orgasm will run you anywhere else in Thailand. You don’t even need to ever enter a bar. Guys will proposition you on the beach, on the streets, and at your hotel. It’s no wonder that for many visitors, gay Thailand means Pattaya. But Pattaya is not just about sex. It’s also a smaller town with a laid-back feel where you can easily make friends with expats and visitors who share a common interest with you. Which is of course, sex.

gay Thailand

To some gay visitors Thailand is all about the food.

Like Bangkok, there are numerous massage shops that cater to gay men in Pattaya. Saunas, not so much. Pattaya has more pubs and restaurants geared toward the gay visitor than Bangkok does. And though I’ve never tallied them up, there also appears to be more gogo bars in Pattaya too. The bars are spread around town in small groupings, areas that are well known to gay visitors to Thailand and each has its own distinct blend of entertainment. An odd paradox, there is less nudity and sex acts to be found in Pattaya’s bars. Bangkok’s Soi Twilight puts on shows with full, hard, nudity that surpasses even your wildest flights of imagination. Not so in Pattaya. But what you will find is a large numbers of bars that not only allow, but encourage, sampling of the staff on site. And in most cases you need not even leave your bar stool. Sex sells in Pattaya. Sleaze is the icing on the cake. And it’s always heavily discounted and on sale.

As a beach town, unless your idea of a day at the beach means a day spent diddling boys while you bake in the sun, Pattaya does not cut it. Those who yearn for the postcard picture beaches of Thailand instead head south. If your vision of gay Thailand is one of white sandy beaches set off by myriad shades of tropical blue water, then Phuket is where you will head. And for gay visitors that means Patong Beach.

Patong is not a gay destination like Pattaya is. The community in Patong is smaller and primarily centered around the Paradise complex where you’ll find a smattering of gay guest houses, small bars and cafes, and gogo bars. And lots of ladyboys. There are tons of ladyboys in Bangkok and Pattaya too, but nowhere else in Thailand do they congregate as the girls do in Phuket. They are legion in Patong.

gay Thailand

Many gay travellers enjoy Thailand’s gay nightlife.

The live sex acts of the performers in Bangkok and the customers in Pattaya have not made their way down south. Shows at Patong’s gay gogo bars are more of a cabaret act in nature, and always includes more ladyboys than you ever imagined existed. In fact, most shows only use their boys to break up the ladyboy acts. But that seems fitting for Phuket. Few gay men go to Patong just for sex. Instead, they spend their day at the beach and break up their tropical holiday with an occasional boy. You can not compare Phuket’s beaches, and outlying islands, with Pattaya’s seaside offerings. It’s a case of comparing apples to moldy, overripe oranges. That have already been bitten into by a dozen other guys that day. Oooops, I guess that really was more about the differences between the two destinations’ boys.

But when it comes to costs, you can compare the two and, at least for the thrifty, Pattaya comes out the winner. The commercial sex scene in Phuket is not cheap. Nothing in Phuket is. And if you haven’t already paid enough, there are numerous scams you can fall prey to to make sure you have done your part to support the town’s economy. A night of sin in Phuket will cost you just as much as it will in the pricier areas of Bangkok. If not more.

If Bangkok is too hectic, Pattaya too sleazy, and Phuket too expensive and doesn’t offer much to do other than beach related activities, then Chiang Mai might be the perfect gay Thailand for you. Thailand’s second largest city still has a small town feeling while offering a wide variety of activities and attractions for you to while away your days enjoying. It’s almost as if someone took all of the other areas of Thailand’s bad points and turned them into positive points in Chiang Mai. This cool, sleepy little town in the north has it all. Whatever your vision of gay Thailand is, you can find it in Chiang Mai.

gay Thailand

Thailand’s beautiful beaches draw many gay travellers.

Unlike Pattaya, Chiang Mai is not just about sex. Unlike Bangkok, Chiang Mai is not about running crazy trying to squeeze in an overwhelming schedule of places to go and sites to see. And unlike Phuket, Chiang Mai is not hard on your wallet, nor is the opportunity to participate in a scam a daily occurrence. Chiang Mai allows you to fulfill your vision of gay Thailand more than any of the other gay destinations within the country. Its only drawback for the gay tourist is that its commercial sex scene is a bit too spread out. Even those areas where you’ll find a cluster of bars, saunas, and other establishments catering to the gay visitor, are not convenient to the other areas of town. In Chiang Mai, you actually have to go looking to find a place, or a boy, for the night.

Chiang Mai offers a wide variety of accommodations for gay visitors, from swanky five star resorts to small, cozy, and friendly gay owned and operated guest houses. You can eat cheap or splurge, spend hundreds daily on day tours and activities, or drop not a dime touring the hundreds of wats and cultural sites within the city. There are designer boutiques in Chiang Mai with prices to rival those you’ll find at Gucci or Armani, and night markets where, with a bit of bartering, you can spend less than half what you’d pay for the same merchandise in Bangkok (or a third of what it’d cost in Phuket). Chiang Mai fits every budget and meets everyone’s vision of what gay Thailand means.

Thailand is a great destination for any gay man. Regardless of what it is you are coming to Thailand to find. From its big cities to its small towns, Thailand warmly welcomes its gay visitors. Just remember when you mention a trip to Thailand to another gay man, his vision of gay Thailand might be something completely different than yours.

Gay Of The Week: Jeremy Renner

08 Sunday Jan 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay of the Week, It's A Gay World

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Movies & Television, Phuket, That's Gay

The hunky, and no longer gay, Jeremy Renner.

The hunky, and no longer gay, Jeremy Renner.

Having just posted a humongous article about all of the hot closeted celebrities who will be coming out this year, it may be a bit soon to be revisiting the topic. But then I didn’t mention Jeremy Renner in that post. Because he’s already out. Or was. Seems since his star has grown brighter, the closet door swallowed Jeremy once again. But since there is a recent tie-in with Thailand, not to mention his recently released ambiguously gay duo flick with Tom Cruise, it seemed a good time to give you some background on why Google’s predictive results adds ‘gay’ to his name when you type it in the search box.

First though, in case you missed it, Jeremy was visiting Phuket this week and one of his posse was attacked at a local bar with an axe. Last Wednesday morning, Jeremy and his entourage, including the 31 year-old hottie GM of Sri Panwa Resort, Wan Vorasit Issara, were bouncing from bar to bar in Phuket Town when things turned ugly about 4:30 a.m during their visit to the Rachada Pub. According to reports, Vorasit dropped a glass on the floor, which was the cause of a bloody brawl; six bar employees jumped Renner and his posse. Vorasit was stabbed in the stomach with a knife and slashed in the neck with a homemade battleaxe fashioned from a motorcycle brake disc. A patron in the bar maintains that Vorasit was drunk and arguing with the bar staff before being attacked.

Initial reports said that Renner had suffered injuries during the brawl, however Vorasit set that record straight in an interview from his hospital room; “We pushed Jeremy to safety as soon as the fight broke out.”

Jeremy Renner attacked in Phuket

Phuket’s new police chief held a press conference to show off the six bar employees who attacked Renner’s posse and are now being held on attempted murder charges.

The six staff members involved in the attack were arrested and charged with attempted murder while the venue, which was open after official closing time, has been closed for the next sixty days pending further investigations. Rachada Pub owner Sawat Prueksakij, has reportedly apologized personally to Vorasit, vowing to assist police in their investigation. “We have had some conflicts before, and we have a strict policy of ensuring that people entering the pub are of legal age and are not carrying weapons, but we have never had staff harming patrons,” he said during an interview.

Maj Gen Chonasit, Phuket’s new police chief, held a press conference, typically Thai, to offer the world’s media visuals of the arrested pub employees and the weapons used in the attack. During the press conference, one of the suspects began to offer his version of the events that led up to the fight. He was quickly silenced by Chonasit.

Phuket's Sri Panwa Resort

Jeremy can afford to stay at the pricey Sri Panwa Resort in Phuket, but can’t afford a girlfriend.

Renner, the former diehard theater actor who made the transition to the big screen in the late ’90s, had been in the Philippines filming the latest instalment of the Bourne film franchise before flying to Thailand for a brief holiday at the swanky Sri Panwa Resort, perched high atop Cape Panwa, where a one bedroom villa goes for just over $1,000 a night. The resort’s acclaimed amenities include Baba Nest which was voted the third best beach bar in the world by CNNgo in 2011. Perhaps its lack of ladyboys was the reason Renner and his gang headed into Phuket Town for their tour of dive bars.

Ya gotta feel sorry for Jeremy, new to the Kingdom and with those odd, long, weird Thai place names, he mistook the Rachada Pub in Phuket Town for the smattering of gay clubs in the Ratchada area in Bangkok. Jeremy was out for a night of fun with a Thai bar boy and found Phuket’s unique brand of hospitality instead.

“Jeremy who?” was the question on everyone’s lips when he was nominated for an Oscar for The Hurt Locker, quickly followed by, “Oh, the gay guy” when it turned out the former makeup artist had brought his mother to the Academy Awards. The excruciatingly long, um, hug, he gave to ‘maybe not straight’ co-star Anthony Mackie upon hearing their movie named as the winner might have had something to do with that too. Granted, it was not quite the statement that Angelina Jolie made during her Oscar win when she slipped her brother some tongue, but then when you are getting your freak on with Billy Bob Thorton a bit of incest seems tame in comparison. Which is why I’ve paid no attention to rumors that Brad Pitt is gay; only a straight man would go where Billy Bob Thorton’s cock has been before.

Jeremy Renner is not gay

Renner’s acting career got its start with his lead role in the film Dahmer, a fictionalized retelling of the life of the serial killer who also was not gay.

A year later, more media-savvy and at the Academy awards again, up again for Best Supporting Actor, Renner, who once again brought his mom as his date, didn’t win and didn’t get to go gay on one of his co-stars. But did take time out on the red carpet to share a quiet moment and a long embrace with Kevin Spacey. Who everyone knows is also not gay.

The 40 year old never married actor, ignoring the existence of his um, ‘partner’ of five years with whom he lives recently gave an interview to Details magazine stating that prior to hitting the big time he was too broke to date women, and now that he is a box office draw, he’s too busy to date women. That’s the problem with gay guys trying to justify never being seen in the company of fish. They don’t get the straight guy mind-set. Too broke? Too busy? Sorry J, to straight guys it’s all about the pussy.

Back when Jeremy was the only one who thought he might be straight, a former acting coach said in an interview, “I have never had the pleasure of meeting Jeremy’s boyfriend, but the fact that Jeremy is gay has never been a primary concern.”

No Jeremy! That's the fat Chan, wait for the buffed Chan before you tap his ass!

Renner, who is not gay, gets a tad bit excited when Channing Tatum, who is also not gay, replies, “Sure I’ll go back to your room with you Jeremy.”

The rumors about Jeremy’s preference for men started soon after his first appearance at the Academy Awards when an investigative reporter happened upon an article published the year before announcing the sale of a Hollywood home by Renner and Kristoffer Winters, a fellow actor who had a small part in The Hurt Locker. Turned out Winters plays a much bigger role in Renner’s life. And heart. But now that Renner is trying to close the barn door after the horse got out, Winters has moved from ‘boyfriend’ to ‘business partner’ to ‘brother.’ Huh. Maybe Angelina’s love for her brother had more of an impact than originally assumed.

As for those vile rumors that Jeremy and Tom Cruise were busy diddling each other while filming their recently released movie: bullshit. Both are obviously true bottoms and that makes that coupling a Mission Impossible. Sure, Tom bought some motorcycles and took Jeremy out for a romantic bike ride through Prague during the filming of the movie. And no one should read anything into Jeremy’s constant gushing about how charming and handsome Tom is. Instead we should all wish Jeremy the best of luck with his new found heterosexuality and hope that his fondest wishes do come true. The most likely to be the one most recently expressed when during a interview to promote Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol, Renner said, ‘When I grow up, I want to be just like Tom Cruise.’

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Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

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