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…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

~ Ramblings, Rumblings and Travel Tales: Bangkok and Beyond

…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

Tag Archives: Movies & Television

Phuket Dreaming

02 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

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Movies & Television, Phuket

Uh, that'd be a wet dream.

Uh, that’d be a wet dream.

When you hear about fists flying in a Thailand resort town you probably think about incidences like the ladyboy in Pattaya who recently clobbered a Polish tourist with the spiked end of her high-heel shoe for interfering with the katoey’s attempt at soliciting the woman’s husband. But as is usually the case when it’s Pattaya versus Phuket, the one with clean water and tropical beaches scores the knock out punch. There’s a ladyboy in Phuket who would’ve instead taken on the Polish woman’s husband, and won. And these days, at least down south, there’s a good chance that husband would’ve spent his time in Thailand learning how defend himself instead of trolling Walking Street in an alcoholic daze susceptible to landing a dick when he thought he was getting a chick.

Ever since Parinya Charoenphol, aka Nong Toom, aka the Beautiful Boxer, aka the aforementioned ladyboy who would have been victorious, opened her gym in Phuket, the tropical paradise has become a hotbed of martial arts practioners. Strikers, grapplers, and former college wrestlers looking for a bit of payback for the years spent wearing ball-hugging singlets have flocked to an ever growing number of fight camps nestled among the island’s palm trees to brush up on their Muay Thai and MMA skills. Notable world title holders such as GSP, Anderson Silva, Tito Ortiz, and Roger Huerta have all spent time in Phuket, helping to make it one of the most popular Muay Thai training destinations in the world.

Despite MMA events being banned in Thailand since 2012 because the country’s athletic ministry deemed the popular sport “too brutal” (which is Thai for too much competition for Muay Thai), many MMA fighters make the trek to Phuket to train in Muay Thai because the style teaches how to throw elbow and knee strikes with enough force to cut or even knock out their opponent while in a clinch. Which are some of the most brutal strikes thrown in the sport. World renown schools like Tiger Muay-Thai and Phuket Top Team have filled that need, offering camps where you can train outdoors in the jungle in Phuket. While hordes of tourists flock to Patong Beach to practice the ancient sport of Tourists Gone Wild, many men – and a few women – with superb bodies land in Phuket to work up a sweat honing their skills at beating another human-being bloody. And if that doesn’t make for good TV, I don’t know what does.

Speaking of wet dreams, MMA Champ Roger Huerta spends most of his shirtless time in Phuket these days.

Speaking of wet dreams, MMA Champ Roger Huerta spends most of his shirtless time in Phuket these days.

Phuket Dreaming, which just began its second season, is the number one rated MMA WEB-TV series in the world. Delving into the life of fighters and the culture of Thailand, the reality show features two teams from competing gyms in Phuket as they work, train, and not act like desperate housewives. So it’s not the bloodiest of reality TV shows. But the flesh is all top rank, and the show offers a rare glimpse into the world of MMA fighters.

MMA is the fastest growing sport in the world. And according to some, the gayest sport in the world too. Which alone should be enough to give you an excuse to binge watch Season 1 of Phuket Dreaming. But even if you are not a fan of male bodies with zero body fat, the series still is worth your time. In and amongst the fighters training and actually fighting occasionally, its producers are using their show to highlight many of the more typical attractions of Phuket. Or at least those a MMA junkie would find attractive.

While ladyboys probably still outnumber MMA fighters in Phuket, you won’t find any on Phuket Dreaming (yet). But cock-fighting, shooting guns that are illegal in most parts of the world, cliff diving, ping pong shows, and the Phuket Vegetarian Festival have all been featured during the show’s first season. As did a day-tip to Koh Phi Phi. And if you need a sight to work up a bitch-slap at the least, Leonardo DeCaprio’s The Beach got a nod too. All of which makes the web-based series surprisingly watchable. Well, except for that unfortunate homage to Leo.

There's fight weigh-ins, and then there are championship fight weigh-ins.

There’s fight weigh-ins, and then there are championship fight weigh-ins.

Season 2 of Phuket Dreaming just kicked off with a segment featuring Muay Thai legends Lerdsilla and Nonsai Sor Sanyakorn, both of who use the same sinuous moves you’re probably more familiar with from watching bar boys dance on stage. But killer elbows and knees fly too and even if you don’t appreciate the fighting you’ll still be mesmerized by the fighter’s taut, brown bodies. Which for many is what Thailand is all about.

So if you are stuck thousands of miles away and looking for a touch of Thailand to help keep your dreams and memories alive, Phuket Dreaming might just be the answer. It’s almost as good as a YouTube video of the boys at work at Dreamboys. At least until someone catches a ladyboy going menstrual on an unsuspecting tourist in Pattaya.

(Click for the video of Phuket Dreaming Season Two, Episode 1 . . . Google will help you find the show's entire first season.)

(Click for the video of Phuket Dreaming Season Two, Episode 1 . . . Google will help you find the show’s entire first season.)

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Nate Silver Can Blow Me (Or Bangkok Bois’ 100% Accurate 2015 Oscars Predictions)

20 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in It's A Gay World

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Movies & Television

Once again it's that singular time of the year when a little bald man named Oscar stands a chance at scoring Hollywood's hottest hunks.

Once again it’s that singular time of the year when a little bald man named Oscar stands a chance at scoring Hollywood’s hottest hunks.

With all the award shows honoring the achievements in film over the last year, you’d think by the time the Academy Awards rolled around everyone would be done with it. It seems every weekend since the calendar flipped to a new year someone somewhere is handing out trophies to go with movie stars’ multi-million dollar salaries. I mean seriously, how many rehearsals does Julianne Moore need to get her acceptance speech right? And while once is funny, does Hollywood really need to force Reese Witherspoon to sit through night after night of pretending it really is an honor just to be nominated? Although in Reese’s case it is.

Of course each of those ceremonies is a little bit different, all have their own brand of fun, and all tend to nominate the exact same people as each other every year. Tuning in to watch one is about the same as flipping the channel to watch another. So this year I decided to forgo the foreplay of the Golden Globes, the SAGs, the DGAs, the WGAs, the PGAs, and a host of others and wait for the night they hand out the little naked gold men. Or I did until Dave suggested we spend a night at home cuddling in front of the TV. All that was on were the 68th British Academy of Film and Television Arts awards, more commonly known as the BAFTAs, or even more commonly not referred to at all ‘cuz no one in America is really interested in what the Brits think. Three hours of typical British reserve, and Gwyneth ‘I Must Be British ‘Cuz I Married One’ Paltrow’s fascination with having her vagina steam cleaned suddenly made sense.

Not knowing what I was getting into – with all the American stars and celebrities in attendance, presenting, and nominated for a BAFTA – I was amazed they handed so many awards out in the Foreign Language Film category. But as often as the Brits reminded one and all about being British during the ceremony, it turns out the awards themselves have nothing to do with the Merry Ol’e. The only requirement is that a movie was screened at British cinemas during the previous year. Which is kinda like Mexicans who know how to swim claiming they aren’t illegals.

It's amazing what actors will do in an attempt to win a film award these days.

It’s amazing what actors will do in an attempt to win a film award these days.

But as a precursor to who’ll win an Oscar, the BAFTAs sufficed. They were hosted by Stephen Fry, Britain’s answer to Neal Patrick Harris. And other than deciding Steve Carell’s fake nose in Foxcatcher was only worthy of a Best Supporting Actor Award instead of Best Actor, thinking Jake Gyllenhaal’s weight loss for Nightcrawler was as worthy of a nod as Matthew McConaughey’s weight loss for The Dallas Buyer’s Club, and attempting to sneak in their own rip-off version of Ted, Paddington, as a Best Picture nomination, the BAFTAs went with the tried and true, nominating everyone who is also up for an Oscar. But from there the similarities between the two award ceremonies ended.

Not having the genius of Hollywood’s special effects champions, the first award presented at the BAFTAs spotlighted their own interpretation of special effects by wheeling out some paraplegic in his wheelchair. The audience gave him a standing ovation. Just to remind him of yet another thing he can’t do. Those Brits can be so polite even at their snarky best. From there it pretty much went downhill.

They presented a special award to director Mike Leigh (don’t worry if you’ve never heard of him, he’s British) who is known for using lengthy rehearsal and improvisation techniques with actors to build characters and narrative for his films instead of relying on an actual script. Mr. Leigh took his statue and then proceeded to give a ten minute speech, relying entirely on his hand-carried cue cards. But at least he showed up. Every other director who won a BAFTA wasn’t at the ceremony. They were all attending the Director’s Guild Awards in the U.S. instead. And no one in America is any more familiar with the Director’s Guild Awards than they are with the BAFTAs.

Tom Cruise made a surprise appearance at the BAFTAs too.

Tom Cruise made a surprise appearance at the BAFTAs too.

The Brit’s version of the Oscars ended (suspiciously as the Oscars do) with the Best Picture award. Fry made a big to-do about the presenter, who turned out to be Tom Cruise. Granted, Fry was undoubtedly thrilled to be sharing the stage with another gay man, but closeted, has-been, leading men are a dime a dozen in Hollywood and Tom can’t even get booked on Oprah these days much less as a presenter at the Academy Awards. Staying with the theme that worked earlier for them, that award went to The Theory of Everything, just so the cameras could cut to a shot of Stephen Hawking not being able to clap too. Undoubtedly Mr. Hawking is looking forward to the Academy Awards since American’s are a bit more politically correct. Although with Neal Patrick Harris taking on the hosting duties this year, they could have Hawking scheduled to appear in the opening dance number. I just hope no one mistakes him for Liza Minnelli.

So who will win an Oscar Sunday night? Other than not Reese Witherspoon? Or not any black actor or actress? While every year there are a few movies that garner multiple nominations, this year the Academy outdid itself by deciding there were only a handful of films worthy of an Oscar and split up the nominations among them. So rather than list the nominees and who will win by category, this year I’m gonna use the movies that are responsible for those nominations, and then tell you which Oscars it will win.

Michael Keaton is up for an Oscar for playing a has-been actor who once played a super hero. Huh.

Michael Keaton is up for an Oscar for playing a has-been actor who once played a super hero. Huh.

Batman VIII or (The Unexpected Appearance of Michael Keaton in His Underwear)
(AKA Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

At the top of everybody’s list (meaning it got 9 nominations), Batman VIII or (The Unexpected Appearance of Michael Keaton in His Underwear) tells the story of a washed up former super-hero playing actor (played by Michael Keaton’s Tighty-Whiteys) who tries to revive his career by . . . never mind, it doesn’t matter. And putting Keaton in that role was just type casting anyway.

The best part of the movie was the ending. Primarily because it was the end. Keaton uses a real gun instead of a prop to kill himself/his character in the final scene of the flick, but only manages to blow his nose off. Which they then glued onto Steve Carell’s face. The feel-good part of the movie is that after screwing up his first suicide attempt, he jumps out of the window of the hospital and Emma Stone gets her Best Supporting Actress nomination for looking out the window and acting like she cares. I mean seriously, Michael Keaton is no Robin Williams.

While the movie won a whole slew of Golden Globes, it’s real star power comes from the Oscars ‘cuz the producers of the Academy Awards couldn’t come up with anyone better than Director Alejandro González Iñárritu for John Travolta to screw up pronouncing his name. Especially since that means a Travolta snafu for a movie subtitled The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance. Take that Stephen Hawking! That and the movie is considered to be a black comedy, so all those haters who claim the Academy snubbed the African-American acting community can just eat cake. If Oprah left them any that is.

The awards that it is up for that count are Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress. Unable to get the mental picture of Keaton in his Fruit of the Loom’s out of their heads, the only award the Academy will bestow on the film is Best Director, thanks to the expected Travolta snafu.

As he was in the movie Sunshine, Ralph Fiennes is in Hungary once again, but this time unfortunately keeps his clothes on in The Best Exotic Wes Anderson Hotel.

As he was in the movie Sunshine, Ralph Fiennes is in Hungary once again, but this time unfortunately keeps his clothes on in The Best Exotic Wes Anderson Hotel.

The Best Exotic Wes Anderson Hotel
(AKA The Grand Budapest Hotel)

If it wasn’t for the Travolta meme tie-in, The Best Exotic Wes Anderson Hotel would rate right up there with Batman VIII or (The Unexpected Appearance of Michael Keaton in His Underwear) as it too received 9 nominations. Although other than Best Picture and Best Director those nominations are just in categories they use as filler between the commercials. A British-German co-production financed by German film-funding organizations, and filmed in Germany, The Best Exotic Wes Anderson Hotel is a comedy. ‘Cuz we all know how funny Germans can be. Especially when the film’s plot revolves around murder. Stephen Hawking should just be glad there’s not a German Academy Film Awards.

The movie recounts the adventures of a legendary concierge at a famous European hotel and the lobby boy who becomes his most trusted friend. Which sounds like it shoulda been filmed in Sunee Plaza. It too is considered a black comedy, so Oprah can line up for seconds of the We Are Not Racists cake. Loaded with talent, unfortunately it’s also loaded with the same talent Anderson uses in every one of his movies and as much as we all love Bill Murray, he shoulda just stuck with Caddyshack as his theatrical swan song. Between the same old same old faces and Anderson’s penchant for whimsical, ornate, stylized sets, The Best Exotic Wes Anderson Hotel comes off as just another Tim Burton production. But without the laughs.

I really wanted to like this movie, just to prove I’m as capable of refined cinematic tastes as the next queen. But then I remembered something important. I’m not a queen. And unfortunately every time I see Adrien Brody on screen my mind starts debating with itself again whether I’d do him or not. And then just when I’m thinking yes, I would, Ralph Fiennes appears and I remember what a putz he is for trying to convince everybody his name is pronounced to rhyme with safe. But at least he kept his clothes on in this flick. ‘Cuz if there’s gonna be a naked Fiennes on screen, it’d better be his younger and better looking brother Joseph. Who’d look pretty hot going down on Adrien Brody. And that might have won the movie an Oscar or two. Instead Anderson will have to hope he does better at the MTV Movie Awards, ‘cuz of those Oscars anyone cares about he’ll be taking home zip.

And yet again  Benedict Cumberbatch's penis fails to make its appearance.

And yet again Benedict Cumberbatch’s penis fails to make its appearance.

The Crying Game
(AKA The imitation Game)

Remember the first version of The Crying Game? Where the film’s secret surprise twist was Dil dropping trou to prove she was a man? That doesn’t happen in this one. Not only do we not get to see Benedict Cumberbatch’s penis, but they also clipped off Alan Turing’s gay foreskin, treating his homosexuality almost as much of a secret as Dil’s unladyboy-like penis was in the first version. But while the original version got six Academy nominations, this time around it gets eight. One has to assume that’s based on the irony of Oscar not having a penis too.

The Crying Game is supposed to be a historical thriller based on the life of Alan Turing, who cracked the Nazi Enigma code during WWII, although the producers decided to go with all but erasing Turing’s gay identity. They did have him name his code-breaking machine Christopher, after his boyhood schoolmate crush, even though in real life it was called the Bombe. But at least they made an attempt at gaying up the non-gay part of his life since for the rest of the movie there is not a speck of gay sexuality on screen. Turing’s homosexuality does make a guest appearance toward the end of the flick, but that’s more about him undergoing chemical castration in lieu of a jail sentence, with turning him into a replica of the Oscar statue more important than the character’s gay sex life that ultimately led to him being prosecuted for being a boy who loved boys.

That along with nominations for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and a handful of minor statues the flick got a nod for Best Supporting Actress too is the icing on the non-rainbow flavored cake. Keira Knightley does a decent enough job in the role of Turing’s beard, Joan Clarke, but no mention is ever made of Turing’s real-life butt-buddy, Arnold Murray, and that was the role that should have been up for that award. Nonetheless, the Human Rights Campaign has honored the film on behalf of the LGBT community, ‘cuz hiding our dirty little secret away in the closet is what equal rights is all about.

The Crying Game is up for Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director. But there’s not enough gay sex in it to score the Best Picture award, Cumberbatch’s possible win for Best Actor gets cut by the equally but more boyishly cute British vote for Eddie Redmayne, Keira Knightley fails to impress ‘cuz playing the role of a beard isn’t acting it’s just one of the normal duties of a starlet in Hollywood, and since Morten Tyldum didn’t take any tips from Chi Chi LaRue, the Best Director statue won’t be going home with him either.

Ethan Hawke is deserving of an Oscar just for his O face while doing Patricia Arquette. Now that's acting!

Ethan Hawke is deserving of an Oscar just for his O face while doing Patricia Arquette. Now that’s acting!

12 Years A Boy
(AKA Boyhood)

12 Years A Boy is up for six Oscars, and four of those are awards that he world doesn’t head to the kitchen to see what’s good during their presentation. So it’s kind of a shame it’s the only nominated movie I couldn’t force myself to pay to see. In fact, not that anyone has offered, but I couldn’t force myself to be paid to go see it either. The not-really-a-plot of the film is the adolescence of a young boy growing up in Texas with divorced parents. Yawn. I’m gay. And one of the reasons I am is so that I don’t have to suffer through watching some rug rat grow up. So why would I bother wasting a Friday night on that experience?

Yeah, yeah, Director Linklater is a genius for taking twelve years to film his movie so that he could use the actual boy’s growth instead of his make-up department’s efforts, but if you follow that train of thought then we should all be prepared for a five year reality-based television show of Bruce Jenner becoming a woman too. And I think that should put things into perspective. Besides, if Linklater was going for realism, a third of the movie should have been of the kid masturbating ‘cuz that’s what boys of that age bracket spend most of their time doing.

Nonetheless, 12 Years A Boy will score heavily at the Oscars ‘cuz the Academy loves to portray itself as being something other than the money-grubbing industry it is. It will win Best Picture, not because it was but because everyone hopes no one else will pull that twelve-years of filming thingy again. And Patricia Arquette will snag the Best Supporting Actress award. ‘Cuz while the rest of the cast aged 12 years during the filming of the movie, her hips doubled that and she now looks as matronly as Meryl Streep (who is up for the same award but the Academy loves nominating her more than it does actually handing her an Oscar.)

But the Best Supporting Actress contest is a close one this year ‘cuz Laura Dern is up for her role as Reese Witherspoon’s mommy as well, and giving her that Oscar while Reese goes home empty-handed yet again would prove the Brits have got nothing on the Academy’s ability at snarkiness.

Bradley Cooper wears a pair of shorts as only a gay man could in the box office smash Titty Titty Bang Bang.

Bradley Cooper wears a pair of shorts as only a gay man could in the box office smash Titty Titty Bang Bang.

Titty Titty Bang Bang
(AKA American Sniper)

Titty Titty Bang Bang has been setting box office records since its release earlier this year thanks to the controversy over whether it glorifies war and the American Way, or merely glorifies Bradley Cooper’s abs. It is directed by Clint Eastwood and is said to be his best film yet. Which is why it didn’t get a Best Director nomination. But it is up for Best Picture and Best Actor. And in both categories it will, appropriately, be shot down.

Cooper has been desperately attempting to prove he’s a real actor (much like his desperate attempts at proving he’s straight) and even starred on Broadway in a revival of The Elephant Man this year. But in that play too Cooper comes up short. If ya get my drift. No? it’s ‘cuz as an actor of stature Coop is known for his short comings. Got it? Still no? Geesh. Bradley Cooper has a small penis. Y’all just make me wonder if you’re really gay men sometimes.

Anyway, according to the movie Cooper is the deadliest marksman in U.S. military history, with 255 kills, 160 of which were officially confirmed by the Department of Defense. If ya been following the news, what they are still trying to confirm is who upped him by one by shooting his ass. And having someone paint a bull’s eye on your ass is something Cooper is quite familiar with. Which is why Eastwood cast The Coop in the role instead of Eastwood’s much hunkier looking son.

The liberal left hated the movie before it even premiered and called their brethren to arms over its thumbs up portrayal of war and other bad stuff. The religious right responded by flocking to theaters to get their fill of death and mayhem in a homage to the Aurora, Colorado shootings. Neither got the movie right as it was never intended to support either side’s version of what is right, or wrong, with America. But right-wing Academy voters took the battle to the Oscar nominations anyway, even though they shoulda known they’d be out-gunned by left-wing Academy members. So not unlike Reese Witherspoon, Titty Titty Bang Bang will end its Oscar’s run in defeat.

This year the Academy showed 12 Angry Black Men's David Oyelowo what it really thinks about its black performers.

This year the Academy showed 12 Angry Black Men’s David Oyelowo what it really thinks about its black performers.

12 Angry Black Men
(AKA Selma)

Blah, blah, you’re all racists, blah, blah, blah. The buzz around 12 Angry Black Men is that the Academy membership forgot to nominate a token black actor or actress for an Oscar this year. Which ignores the fact that it got a Best Picture nod. And a Best Original Song nomination too. But then the Academy is the first to admit that those darkies sure can sing.

12 Angry Black Men is based on the historical 1965 Selma to Montgomery voting rights marches led by Martin Luther King , etal. Except in the movie version Oprah reprises her The Color Purple role, only this time as fat Oprah. Or I guess that’s fatter Oprah. It’s difficult to tell ‘cuz she’s such an accomplished actress. In any case, there’s much outrage over the movie not garnering more nominations, although its sequel, American Sniper, is rumored to be expected to do much better at next year’s ceremony.

Unfortunately for 12 Angry Black Men, the producers made a few fatal mistakes with the movie. First, they cast a Brit to play Dr. King. And he didn’t even win a BAFTA, so how could they expect him to fare any better with an American film award? Second, the civil rights issue of the day is The Gays, not The Blacks. We’re even in charge of the Academy Awards this year. Just like we were last year when Ellen hosted and the year before when Seth MacFarlane took over hosting duties. But the biggest error the film made was one of timing. With the visuals of Ferguson still fresh in movie goers’ minds, 12 Angry Black Men looked more like a news reel from the ’50s than it did a feature film. Besides, as we all know, that whole civil rights thingy is a bad ink stain on The American Way of Life of the past ‘cuz racism no longer exists in the USA.

12 Angry Black Men will not win Best Picture, but will snag that Best Original Song trophy. ‘Cuz when you give the Grammy for Best Rap Song, Album, and Performance to Macklemore, ya kinda have to follow up Let It Go’s win with an Oscar win for the home boys team.

Eddie Redmayne is not gay. But he sure has gotten his gay on with a lot of hunks of film.

Eddie Redmayne is not gay. But he sure has gotten his gay on with a lot of hunks of film.

The Unbearable Darkness of Being Stephen Hawking
(AKA The Theory of Everything)

Did you know that Best Actor winner Eddie Redmayne and Best Actress winner Julianne Moore have appeared together before? Granted, that time it was as a mom and her son having incestuous sex, but everyone knows how kinky those gingers can be. The Unbearable Darkness of Being Stephen Hawking is up for five Oscars, tied with the latest in the Magic Mike franchise. ‘Cuz when it comes to beefcake or brains, America is gonna go with Channing Tatum every time.

Based on the tell-all memoir of Stephen Hawking’s ex-wife, the movie covers Hawking’s life from when he lost his virginity up until he lost his ability to use any of his other appendages. The story is based on the dysfunctional, allegedly incestuous relationship between . . . or wait, that’s the Redmayne/Moore flick again. The one in which he has lots of gay sex in too. Not to be confused with the other movies he’s been in where he’s had lost of gay sex. Like The Goat, in which he had an incestuous relationship with his dad. But enough about why The Unbearable Darkness of Being Stephen Hawking did so well at the BAFTAs.

I wasn’t sure about gong to see this movie; watching the handicap on screen can be uncomfortable. Which is why I almost passed on watching that Reese Witherspoon flick too. Besides, it’s not like ya can’t see handicap people fighting for their rightful due (a parking space) at Walmart every day of the week anyway. But since Redmayne has played gay so often, and will soon be seen in the transgendered love story based on the novel The Danish Girl, in which he’ll play the first man to undergo gender reassignment surgery, I figured it was either sitting through The Unbearable Darkness of Being Stephen Hawking or slashing my throat for watching Bruce Jenner become a woman on his new reality TV show. And with my luck if I’d gone with the latter, I’d screw it up and end up looking like Stephen Hawking.

And Redmayne has shown off his acting talents before, too.

And Redmayne has shown off his acting talents before, too.

Oh, before I go any further just let me say that there is nothing funny about the handicap and no one should ever make jokes at their expense. Or about the transgendered either. Or the Brits for that matter. Thank you. So hold your comments for a website that cares. Like Yahoo.

Old people, however, are a different matter. Which brings us to the Oscar for Best Actor. Yes, Michael Keaton’s acceptance speech at the Golden Globes was touching. But also unfortunate. That award made him think he actually stood a chance at winning again. So not only did he have to foot the bill to fly to London for the BAFTAs, Stephen Fry made him kiss him too. I told ya those Brits can be devilishly snarky. Now if Cumberbatch had gone gay as often as Redmayne, he might have stood a chance at winning this one. Cooper, on the other hand is gay but doesn’t play one in the movies, so he blew that one. Not to mention half of Hollywood if those rumors are true. And Carell . . . well come on, that nomination was just a double down on the Witherspoon joke. So Redmayne wins Best Actor. And if the producers had spent twelve years filming Hawking’s slow deterioration from his motor neuron disease, it would have won Best Picture too.

Channing Tatum's penis in a wrestling singlet shows that Magic Mike can do a disappearing act too.

Channing Tatum’s penis in a wrestling singlet shows that Magic Mike can do a disappearing act too.

Magic Mike X: Bigger, Longer, More Gallic
(AKA Foxcatcher)

You’d think a movie with Channing Tatum in a bulging wrestler singlet would be a shoe-in for the Best Costume Design Oscar. But the producers blew it, spending their budget on enlarging Steve Carrel’s nasal passages instead of the more costly route of enlarging Chan’s package. Which was a shame ‘cuz otherwise the Dirk Diggler Lifelike Achievement Award would have been a sure thing. But it is up for Best Actor, Best Supporting actor, and Best Director, although it did not get nominated for Best Picture, the first film since 2008 when they extended the maximum number of films for the Best Picture category that a Best Director nomination didn’t score Best Picture too. Which may sound like unnecessary trivia to you, but then Carell’s nose extensions were totally unnecessary in Magic Mike X: Bigger, Longer, More Gallic.

Like five of the eight films that did get nominated for Best Picture, Magic Mike X: Bigger, Longer, More Gallic is based on a true story. In this case it’s about an Olympic gold medalist wrestler who became the apple of multimillionaire John E du Pont’s eye and the subsequent murder by du Pont of the wrestler’s older also-a-wrestler brother, the role for which Mark Ruffalo got a Best Supporting Actor nominations, which his not winning is a shame ‘cuz Ruffalo is one of the biggest straight gay supporters in Hollywood. Plus I’d do him. Even before I’d do Chan. Although as a tag team . . .

When the movie came out the real Mark Schultz (the role played by Chan) threw a conniption fit because of a scene where it is lightly suggested that du Pont had a gay thing for Schultz. Which he claims is not true. Yeah. Right. Because totally straight multimillionaires blow their money so they an hang out with a bunch of hunky male athletes in bulge-revealing outfits. Sounds like they should have cast Bradley Cooper in that role instead.

Obviously, Carell’s nomination for Best Actor was a rift on the Reese Witherspoon Best Actress nomination joke, or they just needed one more name for the nomination list and wanted to avoid having to give the nod to a black actor. Just as obviously, he won’t win. Ditto for Best Picture. Which you’d know by know if you hadn’t scrolled down to that photo of Chan and started reading from there. And unfortunately, Magic Mike X: Bigger, Longer, More Gallic won’t be taking home the Best Supporting Actor statue either. Which brings us to:

If there is one thing J.K. Simmons knows, it's how to torture and abuse his fellow cast members.

If there is one thing J.K. Simmons knows, it’s how to torture and abuse his fellow cast members.

Fifty Shades of Glee
(AKA Whiplash)

I hated Fifty Shades of Glee. Not because it wasn’t a good movie. Surprisingly, it was. I hated it because it reminded me of how hot HBO’s OZ was and I ended up binge watching the entire six seasons of the prison drama that made male nudity a household necessity for American television viewing. And if the producers of Fifty Shades of Glee really wanted me to love their movie they coulda figured out how to include a nude Christopher Meloni shower scene in their flick.

In this update to OZ, J.K. Simmons reprises his role of Vernon Schillinger who, now out of jail, no longer selling insurance, and still looking for some male booty, follows life’s natural progression and segues into the position of a high school musical director. But that’s only because Jerry Sandusky was still the coach at Penn State. So he sets about abusing a 19-year-old Dave Grohl wanna-be ‘cuz he hasn’t heard you can find even younger guys to abuse in Sunee Plaza. But ya know Schillinger would be a cheap bastard when it comes time to tip anyway.

So a long-time later, the movie finally reaches Schillinger’s climax, a hyper-masculine celebration of punishing dedication, success, and lies in a great battle of wills between a man and his boy that left audiences confused over just who the winner was. Some viewers considered Schillinger to be a monster, others a cruel but necessary teacher, while many worried for the boy, not just for his sanity, but for his physical well-being as well as he furiously banged out Schillinger’s perfect tempo, his spirit broken. Schillinger is moved to tears and he smiles at his boy, his boy smiles back, and great art, or at least a great performance by rote, has been achieved, but at the total cost of the teen’s humanity. Which leaves the audience feeling a little queasy for admiring the boy’s victory, no matter how Pyrrhic it might be. So basically, a typical Friday night at Krazy Dragon.

Fifty Shades of Glee is up for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor, not that it stands a chance against 12 Years A Boy. But J.K. Simmons will take home an Oscar ‘cuz as quixotic as Keller and Beecher’s on again off again romance may have been, Schillinger always scored the hottest ass and J.K. did the abuse of a younger man thingy better than did Steve Carell.

Julianne Moore shares her little naked man win with Eddie Redmayne.

Julianne Moore shares her little naked man win with Eddie Redmayne.

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
(AKA Still Alice)

The early on-set of Alzheimer’s disease is the subject of the movie Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, starring Julianne Moore and, uh, um. Uh oh . . .

Well, the important thing is that Moore wins Best Actress. Because Alzheimer’s disease is evidently contagious and no one in the Academy could remember any of the other nominated actresses. Except for Reese. Tee hee hee.
The ladies of Hollywood have been bitching for years about the dearth of substantial leading roles for talented women. Have they ever thought that maybe it’s the lack of actresses with the chops to carry a movie that’s at fault?

I mean I’ve never heard of Marion Cotillard, or her movie Two Days, One Night (but suspect that’s how long it lasted in theaters). And Felcity Jones couldn’t act her way out of a wheel chair. I don’t know who Rosamund Pike is either, but if anyone deserved an Oscar nod for Gone Girl it was Ben Affleck’s penis in its supporting role. Not that Moore isn’t a talented actress, ‘cuz she is. But seriously, if they don’t want the Academy to drop this category, the girls in Hollywood had better start acting like Meryl Streep. Or Bruce Jenner is gonna be walking home with an Oscar in another year or two.

If Reese Witherspoon wanted to a little naked man, she should have stuck with a Ryan 'cuz she ain't ever gonna get an Oscar.

If Reese Witherspoon wanted to a little naked man, she should have stuck with a Ryan ‘cuz she ain’t ever gonna get an Oscar.

Into The Woods
(AKA Wild)

Not to be mistaken with the fairytale film of the same name included in the nominations because ya can’t have Meryl Streep in the cast without nominating her for something, this Into The Woods is the fairy tale film that attempts to make you believe Reese Witherspoon is a serious actress and worthy of a Best Actress award. It’s the based-on-a-true-story tale of a woman’s thousand+ mile hike along the Pacific Crest Trail in an effort to heal herself following a divorce from Ryan Phillippe, the death of Laura Dern, and years of destructive behavior starring in films like Legally Blonde. Uh, I didn’t see this one either. ‘Cuz I’d rather be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Which, with luck, Reese will be and then she’ll forget about that time the Academy nominated her for a Best Actress Oscar as nothing more than a cruel joke.

So there ya have it, the entire list of the 2015 Oscar winners, or at least those anyone really cares about. So now instead of watching the ceremony you too can binge watch the entire six seasons of Oz. You’ll be glad ya did.

Gay Of The Week: Jack Falahee (AKA How To Not Get Away With Being Closeted)

10 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay of the Week

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Movies & Television, That's Gay

Just Jack!

Just Jack!

It’s been ages since I did a Gay of the Week post. Those were mostly tongue-in-cheek posts helping to spread gay rumors about otherwise straight – but damn we wish they weren’t – celebrities. Just for the fun of it. Except for the Jeremy Renner one. When your wife of 10 months divorces you on grounds of fraud, the jig is kinda up. I haven’t been posting Out This Week articles much recently either. It was getting too difficult to keep up with the constant stream of stars, musicians, wanna-be celebrities, and personalities that in reality don’t have one coming out of the closet. Announcing to the world that you’re gay just doesn’t have the impact it once did. And there’s a good chance your timing will be off and someone more famous than you will come out on the same day, kicking your rainbow debut right out of the spotlight.

The world has moved on. The media used to devote a good week to any celebrity coming out story, now they barely last for a 24 hour news cycle. ‘Cuz it’s the world of entertainment, and no one really cares. If a video clip of John Travolta sucking cock got posted to YouTube today, it wouldn’t even go viral. In fact, for all I know there’s already a video of John Travolta sucking cock on YouTube. But I, and the rest of the world, opted to watch the one of a cute kitten licking milk off a Rottweiler’s face instead. That a male star hasn’t really made it in Hollywood until he’s been rumored to be gay is pretty much a given these days. And if your dream is to host the Academy Awards one day, you’d better be an out celebrity or it ain’t gonna happen.

What separates the actor from the role is often a very thin line.

What separates the actor from the role is often a very thin line.

There’s still an age of stars who consider coming out a momentous occasion. Joel Grey just came out at the age of 82. You didn’t see much about that on the internet. Because most people don’t know who Joel Grey is. Nor do they care that he is gay. But some celebrities came of age in a Hollywood where being open about your sexuality meant the death of your career. So you can understand John and Tom’s continuing refusal to admit to what everyone else already knows. That’s no longer true. Today, tomorrow’s leading men come out early in their career. Or at least most of them do. Not so Jack Falahee, who plays the morally ambiguous gay character Conner Walsh on the hit TV show How To Get Away With Murder. Thanks to playing the hottest gay character on TV these days, Falahee is frequently asked about his own sexuality. Which he refuses to discuss. And Jack Falahee is no Kevin Spacey.

Or maybe he is. He’s just sat with Out magazine for an interview and declined to answer the question of whether or not he’s gay claiming “I don’t think answering who I’m sleeping with accomplishes anything other than quenching the thirst of curiosity. ” Even though that wasn’t the question; no one was asking for names, just whether there was usually more than one penis involved or not. And while many straight stars asked about their sexuality these days are honest enough to say no (but I love my gay fans, etc. etc., etc.) Falahee said the question – or maybe the answer – was ‘reductive’, adding, ““We still live in this hetero-normative, patriarchal society that is intent on placing everything within these binaries.”

Yeah, we get it.

Yeah, we get it.

Yes or no would have been a clearer answer. But then using a word like hetero-normative tends to do the same. And while Falahee probably thought that answer looked good on paper, if you are reductive about it his statement comes across as an argument in favor of bisexuality. So ‘both’ works too. At least until you hook up with Dustin Lance Black.

Out’s interview isn’t the first time Falahee’s been asked which team he plays on. “It’s a really bizarre thing in our culture that people want to know that,” he said during an interview with Buzzfeed last year, while nervously tugging at the sleeve of his T-shirt. It appears Falahee is nervous or anxious often for some reason. “You see these people in film and on television and you feel like something is owed to you to know the intimacies of their lives, which is… I dunno.” Falahee added that it could be tough for audiences to see him as another character if they’ve pored over every detail of his personal life. “Like Tom Cruise,” he suggested.

Bad choice of example, Jack. Bad choice.

Sometimes a look is all it takes.

Sometimes a look is all it takes.

In the more recent Out interview, Falahee finished he answer off with the thought that he hopes that in some future time the world will no longer be interested in the question of someone’s sexuality. A nice sentiment, but an ironic one all things considered. That world will never become a reality without the gay men of today owning up to who they are. To not do so says there’s something wrong with being gay. That there is too much to fear about coming out. It’s actors like Neal Patrick Harris – who still manages to land and be accepted in straight roles in big box office productions and hit television shows even though he’s out – who blaze that pathway. As for admitting that you are gay – or straight – being reductive, that’s only true if you fear what doing so may reduce you to. In your own mind.

Many gay men will tell you the most liberating thing about their coming out was being freed from a life of fear. Fear makes you do strange things. Like using the word reductive. And as many gay men will tell you the response they received to their coming out was often of the ‘Thanks, we were just waiting for you to tell us’ variety. Because there are differences between straight and gay men beyond what they do in the bedroom. While gay guys can ‘act’ straight (even actors) they seldom can think straight. And it always shows.

And sometimes a simple nod is sufficient.

And sometimes a simple nod is sufficient.

The choice for most straight guys in preparing for the role of a wannabe lawyer would not be by watching Legally Blonde, as Falahee says he did. And straight guys don’t spend a year telling interviewers that they are currently reading The Feminist Mystic. They may pick up a copy, check for pix of lesbian action, and then carry it around to pick up chicks, but only a gay guy would think about reading it. Even though since its about vagina that’s like an American trying to read War & Peace in Tolstoy’s native tongue. Straight guys don’t generally use ‘biatch’ to caption a photo on their Instagram account, and few answer the question posted on thier Twitter account of whether he would ever consider doing drag with, “I’ve gone drag before.” But then few straight guys get asked about doing drag in the first place.

Falahee says the years he spent in acting school never prepared him for fame, that the public’s thirst for knowing more about those who they’ve elevated into the spotlight is not something he was prepared for. Even though that’s been the paradigm in Hollywood since its conception and Falahee, like all celebrities, has a publicist to accomplish just that goal. It’s that degree of interest, which the Hollywood machine actively stirs, that means the difference between being cast in a blockbuster movie and sitting at home updating your own Wikipedia page. And when you share every bit of minutia of your daily life on Twitter and Instagram, it’s a bit disingenuous to claim questions about which team you play on are beyond the public’s ken.

In an age when you have to be suspicious of motives when you hear Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman – and doing so on a reality television show – and hear not only did Whitney Houston’s daughter do a suicide homage to her late mother but the family is planning on finishing her off on the anniversary of the late diva’s death, pretending that publicity isn’t what fuels the celebrity life-style is, at best, naive. So while it’s noble to claim every gay man has the right to come out at the time of his own choosing, when your choice is a career of fame and fortune dependant on the public’s interest in you, that horse has already left the barn.

Maybe Falahee isn't gay so much as he is a rice queen.

Maybe Falahee isn’t gay so much as he is a rice queen.

Lance Bass – who also has a reality television show to promote – has recently been whining about the mean bloggers who outed him years ago. While failing to mention that’s what put his stardom back on the map and saved him from a career of pushing Bosley hair restoration memberships like his ex-band mate Joey Fatone. And you can assume when you are playing an openly gay man on a hot television series and sit down for an interview for a publication called Out, there’s a good chance the question of your sexuality will come up. Just like your publicist said it would. ‘Cuz he or she authorized that subject in advance.

Falahee’s is the break-out role in an ensemble cast that includes many fine actors and actresses. If it wasn’t for Viola Davis’s powerhouse performance as the professor-mastermind, Annalise Keating, 21 million people would not have tuned in for the premiere. But it’s the arrogant, manipulative, sexually predatory, and totally irresistible Connor character responsible for those fans tuning back in to the show again and again.

Falahee’s Cheshire Cat smirk, demonstrating just how much Connor savors every ounce of duplicity while he unapologetically uses his sexuality to bend men to his will and manipulate everyone blocking his path to career advancement, is what has made that character into the one fans can not stop talking about. It’s a gay archetype not previously seen on American television. Ditto for the hot man on man sex the show has become famous for. Gay or straight, whoever was lucky enough to land that role would have to have known at some point people would want to know just how much of Connor was a part of that actor. And would have prepared for it better than Falahee has.

Being Closeted 7

It’s not just the never seen on broadcast television before openly gay – and extremely hot – sex that has set the show and the Connor character apart. It’s also the rest of the cast’s reaction to his sexuality. Gay characters are usually – still – played for laughs. No one on How To Get Away With Murder is laughing at Connor. If anything, they’re a bit jealous: noting how much sex Connor gets one male character even goes so far as to say, “I’m so mad I wasn’t born gay.” But more so, Connor’s sexuality is a non-event. He’s open about who he is, even proud of it. And no one really cares. Which, despite Falahee’s fears, is about the same as it would be in real life.

Michael Adam Hamilton, an open and unabashedly straight actor, who appeared in the boys will be boys bathroom stall scene with Falahee – where after groping and kissing each other Connor turns his character Julian around and straddles him from behind – says of Falahee, “My favorite thing about working with him in this role is I have no idea if he’s gay or straight in real life and I don’t care.” If only Falahee could exhibit the same degree of honesty he too might discover that while interested, in the end no one really cares.

How To Get Away With Murder. Or Gay Sex.

06 Monday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in It's A Gay World

≈ Comments Off on How To Get Away With Murder. Or Gay Sex.

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Movies & Television, That's Gay

Viola Davis promises to teach you everything your momma didn't want you to know in How To Get Away With Murder.

Viola Davis promises to teach you everything your momma didn’t want you to know in How To Get Away With Murder.

So here’s why Dancing With The Stars is so nefarious. Two weeks ago, being the dutiful son that I am, I stopped by to visit my mom (aka to make sure she hadn’t died over the past month and that her brood of cats hadn’t been feeding on her dead body) only to discover I hadn’t been as dutiful regarding my own welfare. My visit coincided with the new season premiere of that show where celebrities whose careers have tanked go to die at the speed of a two-step. Mom, of course, was thrilled to see me. I could tell by the affection in her voice when she said, “Get out of the way, I can’t see my show.”

The plus with visiting moms during Dancing With The Stars is that the show steers her conversation away from her medication regime. She hasn’t a clue as to who the celebrities appearing on the show are each season. And expects that I do. I’m not sure if most of those celebrities’ agents even know who they are. So I make up fake bios for the majority of them, never quite sure which of the two in a dancing couple is the dancer and which is the star. I’m right about half of the time. Moms on the other hand has an infallible sense of gaydar and identifies which of the celebrities are gay during each season. Like most, she assumes all of the show’s regular male dancers are.

This season she bestowed the ‘That Little Gay Boy’ title on some over-the-hill-was-once-a-teenage-heartthrob whom I didn’t recognize but who was so busy emoting his ass off that moms recognized him as a player for the pink team quicker than his partner could say, “No, you’re supposed to lead.” Huh. Moms is good. A week later I saw on the internet that he is one of those celebrities everyone in Hollywood knows is gay but no one says so. At least in his case he was until one of the judges mentioned during an interview that he was. Ooops.

Uh, oh, someone is about to get fucked.

Uh, oh, someone is about to get fucked.

Being outed on national TV used to be the kiss of death for an actor’s career. But then your career can’t get much deader than signing up for a stint on Dancing With The Stars. Besides, John Travolta just had a new movie come out so that proves American audiences are ready to accept gay men in mainstream movies. But that wasn’t what the nefarious part of the show was. The network’s trumpeting of its new season’s shows during the commercial break was. Granted, most people take a break and head for the ‘fridge during commercials, but when you are forced to watch Dancing With The Stars it’s usually better to schedule your away from the TV time during the actual broadcast. And I had to check up on moms’ cats anyway. Just to make sure they’d been fed. She doesn’t move as quickly as she once did and could easily fall victim to a pack of hungry felines even while still breathing.

So I’m sitting there watching a commercial for some car and trying to figure out just who it was that decided having your car instead of the driver decide when to brake was a good idea – although admittedly that might come in handy when Tony Stewart is behind the wheel – when a promo for How To Get Away With Murder came on. It was short, and told you nothing about the show. Other than Viola Davis must be in it ‘cuz she gives viewers a ‘I’m gonna fuck you until you scream for mercy’ look and then uses the title of the show as her punch line. I don’t know who wrote that commercial but they deserve an Emmy. Watching it, I’m sure that even that over-the-hill-was-once-a-teenage-heartthrob and no longer closeted used to be a celebrity felt a mild tug in his gonads. I know I did.

With the exception of poorly timed visits to moms, the last time I watched network TV was when Will & Grace was on. Okay, there’s the Olympics coverage too, but that doesn’t really count. A few years back thinking I’d missed out on something I shouldn’t have, I rented the first season of 24 on DVD. After sitting through an excruciating three episode stint of extremely bad acting I was reminded again that you should always stick to your first impression. Kinda like with that guy you swiped left on on Grindr and then went back, hooked up, and discovered he really was the dud you originally assumed he would be. Or the bar boy who tucked his cell phone in the front of his shorts who at first you passed on offing and then against your better judgment offed anyway and found out that good things really do not come in small packages.

And someone else is too. But in a nice way.

And someone else is too. But in a nice way.

Nonetheless I couldn’t get Viola Davis promising to teach me things I’d only fantasized about from looking at Tom of Finland drawings out of my mind, and by the time Tommy Chong came on to prove aging ex-felon Latino stoned comedians can be sexier than closeted over-the-hill-was-once-a-teenage-heartthrobs, I’d noted the date and time How To Get Away With Murder would air and began immediately planning on the excuse I’d use to keep my boyfriend away from the house that night so that he wouldn’t catch me watching ABC. Okay, so I didn’t actually watch the premiere. I DVRed it. As did a lot of other gay men who couldn’t face the stigma of being known as a network television viewer. The first episode of How To Get Away With Murder was the mostly highly DVRed show in history. But that’s probably only because they didn’t have DVRs back when Janet Jackson flashed her nipple during halftime during Super Bowl XXXVIII.

But thanks to said boyfriend’s reliance on taking Ambien whenever he sleeps over at my place for some strange reason, I did manage to sneak in a viewing, and caught the show’s second episode too. The good news is that every time Viola Davis looks into the camera my crotch gets all warm and fuzzy again. The bad news is that the show has decided to use a wonky plot device that shows you the end of the season first, and then tries to throw in hints to prove you’re too stupid to get it while they slowly work up to that scene over what may prove to be too long of a viewing season. Which usually means the plot isn’t worth following anyway. But there is Viola Davis promising the unmentionable often (even though I already mentioned it) and the unexpected joy of a whole lot of gayness going on too. Plus a few male stars I’d do and who I’m sure won’t be appearing on Dancing With The Stars for at least another ten years. Overall I’d give the show a big, well-lubed thumbs up.

Now if I could just get the vision of that thumb belonging to Viola Davis out of my head, I’d be a happy camper.

Huh. Looks like Jack Falahee's been taking  'I'm gonna fuck you until you scream for mercy' eyes lessons from Viola.

Huh. Looks like Jack Falahee’s been taking ‘I’m gonna fuck you until you scream for mercy’ eyes lessons from Viola.

Viola plays a scummy defense attorney sans either ethics or morals – which would make you think the show is reality TV, but it’s not – who uses her part-time job as a college professor to lure students into joining her firm as unpaid interns, which is the American version of sweatshop labor. Only cheaper. The students win brownie points by coming up with a defense that will help win Viola’s clients a Get Out Of Jail card, even though everyone one of them is obviously guilty as sin. Fortunately her students commit a few sins of their own in their effort to get Viola’s thumb . . . well, you get the point. And one of the first sins committed in pursuit of Viola’s thumb – because gay guys are more familiar with the joys of anal thumbing – is the character played by Jack Falahee seducing an Asian nerd to help him hack into . . . eh. I forget. The important thing is Jack and the Asian nerd get naked and have gay sex on network TV.

Besides being the show’s title, How To Get Away With Murder is also Viola’s name for the class she teaches, and in a bit of a twist, also where the plot is going ‘cuz ‘someone’ kills Viola’s husband at the end of the season although since we’re relying on that wonky plot device we already know he gets murdered at the beginning of the season. It’s also what the American Family Association thinks about the show’s producers idea of sneaking in gay sex scenes that are not played for laughs on a network television show. You might think a gay sex scene – well, two now ‘cuz the show is batting 2 for 2 – might not be all that, but the Supreme Court was gonna take up the gay marriage issue this judicial season and just decided not to (thereby allowing same-sex marriages to become the law of the land in five states) because Justice Scalia watched How To Get Away With Murder and figured if it’s already on network TV there’s not much he can do other than to judiciously allow The Gays to take over America just like the Tea Party warned everyone they would.

Alfred Enoch doesn't play gay on TV.

Alfred Enoch doesn’t play gay on TV.

And on ABC, The Gays rule the world. Or at least the American version of it. Not just on How To Get Away With Murder, but let’s not forget Dancing With The Stars too. Which must really piss off the Duck Dynasty homophobe clan ‘cuz one of their daughters is on this season’s Dancing With The Stars and ABC not only snuck in a gay no-longer-a-celebrity on that show, but then used it to promo another show filled with gay sex. And that’s what proves America is still great. But let’s get back to the important thing: the gay sex on How To Get Away With Murder.

It was gratifying to see a gay man get some for a change on network TV, even more so that he did while having an ulterior motive ‘cuz usually our ulterior motive is just about getting some dick. It was also gratifying to see a gay nerd get some, especially from a hottie even if that never happens in real life. And it was even more gratifying to see a white gay guy get some Asian dick – although technically it was Asian ass – ‘cuz white/Asian sex is seldom seen on television and now that it has been and was gay we can assume that all future Caucasian and Asian pairings on the networks will be gay ones. Kinda like all the Law & Order and CSI spin-offs. As it should be. It’s also gratifying to hear that the show’s producers intend on continuing this trend and that there will be lots more gay sex on How To Get Away With Murder even though the gay characters act like regular guys instead of like the visibly gay gay characters that Ryan Murphy likes to include in his shows because America has always been more comfortable with queens. Which only proves when Viola Davis gives you that ‘I’m gonna fuck you until you scream for mercy’ look you really can get away with murder. Or even nationally broadcast gay sex.

Unfortunately, neither does Charlie Weber.

Unfortunately, neither does Charlie Weber.

But gay sex alone does not a hit drama make, even though it should, and since the producers decided to scrap the idea of a plot they’ve instead went with a cast of hunky male characters. And not so hunky but still doable ones too. Harry Potter fans will be happy to see Alfred Enoch who didn’t play one of the after-the-fact gay characters in that franchise but then since he was filling the race card you couldn’t expect him to fill the gay card too. And since he’s already had a shirtless scene in How To Get Away With Murder, we’ll give him a pass. Charlie Weber, on the other hand, did recently play a gay character on Warehouse 13, and was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer too. Which is kinda gay. Charlie also started his career as a model for Abercrombie & Fitch. And you can’t get much gayer than being in front of Bruce Weber’s camera.

I wrote Matt McGorry’s character off because there was much better eye candy on parade, but have now discovered that his gay tie-in is that he was on Orange Is The New Black, a tranny prison show on Netflix, and is a former body builder to boot; which of those two is gayer I’m not gonna call. And for DILF fans, Billy Brown plays Viola’s Davis’ sex toy, which may not be gay but requires him to be shirtless a lot and since he was in both Star Trek and Starship Troopers 2 nerds have a reason to rejoice too. As if they needed another since the aforementioned gay Asian nerd gets his thanks to Conrad Ricamora, the out Filipino actor who gets to play with Jack Falahee’s naked body on camera. Which as cool as it is would be even cooler if the show was on HBO. ‘Cuz then we’d get to see Filipino dick too. Which, as you know, was made for the small screen.

And  Matt McGorry only plays a bodybuilder in real life.

And Matt McGorry only plays a bodybuilder in real life.

And there’s the rub. Even if it is on network TV for all to see. When even a supreme court justice recognizes that The Gays are here to stay and gay rights and equality are a foregone conclusion, when even Cheerios – The Breakfast of Champions – is running commercials with gayness in them, when even being outed on Dancing With The Stars fails to make headlines, it’s a shame that finally seeing two gay guys do what gay guys do – without either being a comedic, effeminate, campy queen – on network TV is newsworthy. I don’t know whether How To Get Away With Murder will make it to a second season or not, or if they will develop a plot for Season #2 if they do. But it will go down in history as the show that broke the normal gay guy having sex on screen barrier for network television. And the gods only know what that means for next season of Dancing With The Stars.

Orange is not the new black, rainbows are. At least on ABC.

Orange is not the new black, rainbows are. At least on ABC.

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TIT: Who Ya Gonna Call?

25 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Movies & Television

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the cinema . . .

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the cinema . . .

When your entire country sees dead people, ghosts are not something to be made light of. They are, however, not bad for drawing citizens’ attention away from what otherwise might be some bad publicity, like when your national airline crashes a plane. Ghosts pop up with an alarming frequency in Thailand, and whether they are to blame, rendered assistance, granted a wish or two, or just serve as a reminder that the supernatural too has a hand in fate, seldom does a week go by that the leading newspapers in the country fail to include a ghost story in their coverage. Obviously sex sells in Thailand, but things that go bump in the night do too.

Much like bar boys, ghosts in Thailand can be good or bad. There is an incredibly long roster of types of ghosts that Thais believe in. Most Thais will tell you they have seen a ghost. Some are to be prayed to for favor, others avoided at all costs. You never make fun of ghosts, or the belief in them, or you’ll risk pissing them off. Some are not so much malicious as mean spirited, causing minor problems and annoyances. Others, like phi tai hong, are to be avoided at all costs. Even those known to pass along lucky lottery numbers aren’t really trusted. Thai people are really afraid of ghosts. Considering some of the ladyboys you see around town, not to mention the average sex tourist, that it is ghosts that frighten your average Thai says a lot.

The latest apparition of ghoulish proportions to strike Bangkok was a rumor on Pantip, a popular Thai discussion forum, of hauntings at local movie theaters. That shows you just how scary social media today can be. You’d think that would have been the specter of a discussion about Keanu Reeves’ 47 Ronin which instead of being a blockbuster became the world’s #1 box office flop losing an estimated $149,518,762. Or any flick starring Shia LaBeouf. Or any recent Johnny Depp movie that he didn’t lisp through as a pirate. But instead the horror coming soon to a theater near you was that the SF Cinema chain always blocked off four to six seats in rows C through F in all of their theaters. Christian PFC probably thinks that’s so he can pay for a cheap seat and sneak into a more expensive one. But Whalephant, a forum member on Pantip, claimed it was because of ghosts.

Now that's scary.

Now that’s scary.

“It’s belief of cinema owners. I asked them,” user “Whalephant” claimed. “The unoccupied seats are for the guardian ghosts. They’re not for staff. Staff can watch movies any time. There are many available seats for staff.”

“I really did ask them,” he added because even Thais know if you repeat a lie enough times it will be true. And then much like a reported sighting of a incredibly cute twink at a Soi Twilight beer bar results in a multi-page response on the gay Thailand forums, Whalephant’s thread took off on Pantip with user after user after user after troll chiming in with everything but facts to support the movie chain’s practice of reserving premium seats for its residents ghosts. Like even a ghost would actually sit through a showing of Transformers: Age of Extinction.

SF Cinema promptly responded to the rumor that Thailand’s top theaters routinely reserve the good seats for theater guardian ghosts at every show time. “We would like to clear up any confusion regarding the unoccupied seats that are not on sale,” a SF Cinema customer service rep said. “Those seats are backups in case customers book broken seats or spill water on their seats. For those who suspect that the seats are left for the guardian ghosts, customers can be ensured there are no such thing as ghosts in our theaters.”

You can't get much scarier than Shia LaBeouf naked.

You can’t get much scarier than Shia LaBeouf naked.

Pantip forum posters, of course, ignored the theater chain’s denouncement believing it to be as truthful as Jabba The Butt’s frequent utterings that the under-age moneyboy problem that made Sunee Plaza what it is today is a thing of the past. The locals may believe in ghosts, but aren’t quite so foolish as to believe the word of a major corporation. And if Tammy and Sex Tape didn’t prove just how horrific things can get in a cinema, then nothing does.

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Pictures That Move Me: True Blood Season 7 – Jason’s Penis Gets A Happy Ending

03 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Moving Pictures

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Movies & Television

Season 7 of True Blood has barely begin and is already getting its gay on. Fang you very much!

Season 7 of True Blood has barely begin and is already getting its gay on. Fang you very much!

It’s the final season of True Blood – which probably ain’t a bad thing – and we’re all hoping the series goes out with a gangbang. Or at least with a lot of naked gay couplings between the male leads. Or just a lot of nakedness on Joe Manganiello’s part.Or Alexander Skarsgard’s. Or Ryan Kwanten’s. Episode 1 did a decent job at that and I have to say Ryan Kwanten’s ass is looking mighty fine these days. Better yet, Episode 2 started off with both banging and the aforementioned gay couplings between male leads. In this case a blonde-on-blonde naked smooch-fest starring Ryan Kwanten’s mighty fine ass and that hunk of Nordic manhood Alexander Skarsgard. Sure it turned out to be a dream sequence, ‘cuz a bit of homo sex has got to be fantasy in a show full of werewolves and vampires, but then whose sex life doesn’t involve a lot of fantasy? Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what happened after that ‘cuz I watched it on HBO GO and have just been replaying that wet dream over and over again. I’m sure I’ll check out the rest of the episode at some time, ‘cuz there is still a lot of nakedness on Joe Manganiello’s part to look forward to. Stay tuned. And keep that bottle of lube handy.

Never mind the fish. Oh, right. You already never minded it.

Never mind the fish. Oh, right. You already never minded it.

Now if only killing off Tara actually sticks. After seasons of everyone praying for it, the bitch finally went all gooey . . . all over her mother’s lap. Which was a nice touch. ‘Cuz in Hollywood the only mom used to that sorta thing is Kris Jenner. But I know that eyebrow-less bitch Tara will be making its reappearance all too soon. You’d think you could trust a vampire that dies to stay dead. But I guess if Kim Kardashian can have another wedding, Tara can have another life too. And it could be worse. We could be subjected to another shot of Sheriff Andy’s buttocks like last season. Or any nudity of Bill’s. Which would be enough to turn me bisexual. Just like it did his wife.

Even Ryan's dimples have dimples.

Even Ryan’s dimples have dimples.

But that was in real life where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad thinks there are no such things as fairies, but in the world of television there are and the main one on the show (aka the aforementioned bisexual wife) made the smart move and went for Joe’s lusciousness instead. Finally. Which should cure that itch for fish she came down with. Not that I want to see Joe pick his meat out of that gap between her teeth anymore than you do, but she’s done every other male lead on the set show, so it was his turn. Joe got a haircut for the new season and like Ryan Kwanten’s ass he too is looking mighty fine. I’m not usually into the older hirsute set, but all Joe has to do is growl and it’s chub city for me. So I’ve been practicing how to say woof. Just in case.

Oh, woof fucking me!

Oh, woof fucking me!

Straight boys who wanted to enjoy the show but were put off by its male nudity and gayness in the past – which we all know means gay boys who just haven’t come out to themselves yet – often complained about the program regularly featuring penises doing those things penises tend to do when they meet each other. It looks like this season the producers decided to give them what they really wanted: more penis. And Lafayette finally gets one to call his own. Other than his own. Kinda, sorta. I know, you’ll try to say they gave him a boyfriend once before but y’all really need to learn the difference between a plotline and a boyfriend. Not that I think you will since many of you haven’t learned the difference between a money boy and a boyfriend yet either. And that little taco was never real boyfriend material anyway. He was originally Lafayette’s mother’s male nurse and I can guarantee you a male nurse who’s been washing your mother’s ancient vagina daily for the last three months is gonna take one look at you and immediately picture what you’ll be looking like at the age of 80. Even if you are not frowning. And in few does that evoke a, “Let’s be boyfriends!” response. Although he may offer to wipe off that drool of spittle running down from the corner of your mouth. Oh, sorry, that wasn’t spittle? My bad.

I'm guessing it was Ryan who brought all the candles, but seriously dude:  get on the bottom where you belong. Those damn Aussies always seem to get their geographical positioning wrong.

I’m guessing it was Ryan who brought all the candles, but seriously dude: get on the bottom where you belong. Those damn Aussies always seem to get their geographical positioning wrong.

In any case, the only non-cracker left alive in Bon Temps was supposed to be ravished by Luke Grimes – who played gay in Brothers and Sisters – this season but Luke went, “Ewwwww!” and said he wouldn’t do gay because since he already had once he didn’t want to be type-cast ‘cuz that would ruin his career. Not that he’s had one since the last time he went gay mind you. Nor does that attitude fly in Hollywood any longer . We didn’t establish Tinseltown’s gay mafia so straight boys into the arts could still try to pretend they’re straight. At least not without joining the Scientologist first. And at his age it’s not like he’s gonna get invited to one of Bryan Singer’s parties anyway. Besides, looking at Luke I suspect he’s played gay more than one time before ‘cuz that is an ass that was made for the casting couch. So, buh-bye Luke, hello Nathan. Now let’s see your penis.

Is that a banana in Alexander Skarsgard's pocket, or is he just happy to be doing another sex scene with Ryan Kwanten?

Is that a banana in Alexander Skarsgard’s pocket, or is he just happy to be doing another sex scene with Ryan Kwanten?

The new version of James is played by 26-year-old Nathan Parsons who appeared in the ABC soap opera General Hospital and in 2012’s Bunheads, which I never watched but which for some reason sounds intriguing. More importantly, Nathan was in the fifth installment of the homoerotic horror film Brotherhood franchise, The Brotherhood V: Alumni, so he’s already proven he has the necessary acting chops. And knows how to suck. Unlike most of the other male leads on the show – not counting Lafayette ‘cuz they did go with type-casting on that one – Nathan is an American. But before you start chalking up a win in the cut penis column, he was born in Australia. So that still leaves Joe as the hoodie holdout. And gives him an excuse for coming up short.

Sweet dreams are made of this. So are wet ones.

Sweet dreams are made of this. So are wet ones.

While I’m on the subject of penises to watch for, hunky Will Yun Lee has been cast to play a bad guy this season because a) he’s Asian and in Hollywood that either means a role as the “Asian sidekick” or the “Evil Asian Guy”, b) the bad guy last season had far too much hair on his chest, and, c) even though he’s 43, Bryan Singer – who cast him as the Silver Samurai in X-Men Origins: The Wolverine – gave him a big thumbs up. But then Asian men do tend to look younger than they are. Oh. You already knew that, huh? You may not remember Will from his stint on the TNT supernatural drama series Witchblade and NBC’s Bionic Woman or his small role in the James Bond film Die Another Day or his recurring role in the bromantic gay version of Hawaii Five-0. He was also in Bangkok Love Story, but not the one you are thinking of. ‘Cuz then he’d be playing a Thai character and True Blood already had a Thai character whose only on-screen moment last season was servicing Pam. And Will Grimes is the one worried about type-casting.

A new hunk of man meat for Season 7 is of the Asian persuasion.

A new hunk of man meat for Season 7 is of the Asian persuasion.

You’ll note I did not mention or ask to see Lafayette’s penis. That’s not about race. That’s about all that crocheted crap he wears. Like an almost-tranny living in the deep south is gonna deck herself out in her grandma’s old afghans. Please. This is not Nebraska. Every season they give our girl Lafayette a new look and every season he ends up looking like Tara. Or a less masculine looking Whoopi Goldberg. In case I failed to mention her yet. And that’s not about race either. That’s about a lack of eyebrows. Maybe whichever costume designer it is who is so handy with a crochet hook could make them both – or I guess that’s all three – a set. And while he or she is at it, how about one of those cute little knitted ball sack warmers for Joe Manganiello too? Joe likes to claim he is naturally hairless below the neck, but you don’t have a five o’clock shadow as thick as Whoopi’s snatch unless the rest of you is sprouting short curlies too. And you known that crazy-wolf gleam he gets in his eyes pops up whenever he’s manscaping too so I’m sure his little puppies get awfully cold. He’d no doubt appreciate some woolen-wear for those long cold nights when he doesn’t have a woman sharing his bed. Like all 365 of them. Or, since I’m learning how to say woof, he could just give me a call. Or send a selfie to Bryan Singer ‘cuz I’m sure that bald look would land him an invite.

 I know, Alexander looks a bit like a scared puppy but that's because he thinks that's Anna Paquin trying to top him again.

I know, Alexander looks a bit like a scared puppy but that’s because he thinks that’s Anna Paquin trying to top him again.

In my annual precap, recap, and other crap articles about True Blood, I usually post spoilers. ‘Cuz that’s the kinda guy I am. And y’all just look at the pictures of naked maleness anyway. Usually I have some insight into the season’s plot ‘cuz I shoplift the True Blood books by Charlaine Harris from my local Walmart. Which I wish I hadn’t done with the most recent, and final, book in the series ‘cuz I’d like to take that sucker back for a refund. Even for a fat, white southern woman who votes republican and thinks god made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, usually her fiction is filled with humor if not with black characters (and yes, you finally called it right: that is about race). But she’s been whining for a few years now about how tired she is of writing the books that net her millions of dollars and finally called it quits by producing the most boring piece of crap to come out of Dixie since Mitch McConnell.

Okay, so the appeal of watching two blondes go at it is starting to make sense to me. The appeal of watching two lesbians doing the same still escapes me.

Okay, so the appeal of watching two blondes go at it is starting to make sense to me. The appeal of watching two lesbians doing the same still escapes me.

She obviously wanted to tie up all of the storylines and provide closure for the main characters, but since in her misguided mind that meant Sookie, it’s all Sookie this and Sookie that, and Sookie, Sookie, Sookie until you yell, “Good god, where’s the penis!” Kinda like your last bar boy boyfriend. Except without the accent. So now she can fade into oblivion – although I wish she had just a bit earlier – and live a full life of stuffing bonbons in her mouth while sitting on her couch watching reruns of the television show that made her famous ‘cuz her career is now deader than the un-dead (and we can only hope Tara is even deader). I mean it’s not like she was ever as talented as Paula Dean anyway.

And that folks, is the definition of 'aggressive bottom'.

And that folks, is the definition of ‘aggressive bottom’.

True Blood has been headed downward quicker than Seth Rogen on Zac Efron’s’ crotch for a few season now and only gets its annual renewal because someone at HBO is as fond of Joe Manganiello’s penis as I am. And since these days Joe has immersed himself in the world of gay male strippers having starred in Magic Mike, being in line for reprising his role in Magic Mike II, and having just produced a documentary about gay male strippers – ‘cuz what 37-year-old, never been married but real good friends (wink, wink) with Matt Bomer, straight guy isn’t into gay male strippers – we all know it won’t be long before Little Joe makes a public appearance. Although long may not be the correct word to use in his case. Not that I can’t have a perfectly good orgasm just looking at Joe’s naked chest mind you. But since the word is that Alexander Skarsgard is quite proud of the goods Odin blessed him with and wanders around True Blood’s set naked sans sock, Joe must feel he needs to give proper thanks to Zeus too, even if he got a bit short changed and attempting to win that competition would be more like an ode to Sisyphus.

If that was acting Kwanten deserves an Emmy. Yeah, I know. I was just sayin'.

If that was acting Kwanten deserves an Emmy. Yeah, I know. I was just sayin’.

But that’s all Greek to me. And besides, whatever gods you worship, they don’t give you an ass like Joe’s unless they intend you to put it to good use. And since Eric Bana just retired his naked ass, the wide-screen is desperately in need of some prime male beefcake bottom to showcase. Quickly before James Franco shows off his again. ‘Cuz when that selfie came in over my Twitter feed I wondered when it was that I started following Cher.

Because I like nipples . . .

Because I like nipples . . .

So the boys and occasional fish of Bon Temps are finally meeting the true death, even before HBO realized someone needs to put Julia Louis-Dreyfus – who was annoying playing Elaine on Seinfeld and has been just as annoying playing Elaine in every other failed sitcom they’d thrown her way – out in the sun, or preferably somewhere dank and dark where we’ll never have to see her again – like in Luke Grime’s closet – and fans have but a few brief shows left to ogle the male flesh that made True Blood famous. That leaves little time for the boys to play with each other’s toys too and while the winning gay male True Blood coupling we all want to see would be anyone other than Bill, history tells us it is gonna be Jason yet again because Ryan Kwanten has had a wet dream with every hunky male cast member to date, except for Joe Manganiello and ya know that’s a pairing that will go down in the annals of television history – especially if it’s Alcide doing the going down – even if two bottoms in bed together just doesn’t make any sense. But then none of the last six seasons of True Blood has made a bit of sense either. Let’s just hope they do the right thing and give Kwanten’s penis the happy ending it deserves. ‘Cuz if they go with that Lost they’re-in-purgatory bullshit thingy I’m gonna drive a wooden dildo through Alan Ball’s demented little heart.

A kiss is just a kiss. Until you use tongue.

A kiss is just a kiss. Until you use tongue.

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Sex Break: Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous Now Playing At A Theater Near You

02 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sex Break

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Markets & Shopping, Movies & Television

The surround sound home movie theater experience comes to Bangkok at a mere $30 per showing.

The surround sound home movie theater experience comes to Bangkok at a mere $30 per showing.

I’m picky about the movies I go to see at home. There has to be a compelling reason for me to head to the closest cineplex. In most cases, the 3D experience is more effort than its worth, even the biggest blockbusters are available on DVD within a few months, and the people who tend to arrive at show time at that same time as I do are not the kind of people I usually want to associate with. Throw in $4 boxes of a fifty cent snack and I’m better off waiting and then viewing the flick on my home theater system. Plus then if the movie turns out to be a dud, I can masturbate instead without ever leaving the comfort of my reclining chair.

When I’m in Bangkok it’s a different story. Noom doesn’t go to the movies often either. In his case it’s more about the cost of a ticket versus the 80 baht DVD version, which is often available on Bangkok’s street before the movie is officially released. So he makes up for that when I’m in town. We hit a theater several nights during each of my visits, how many movies we take in depends on how few are animated flicks – which he loves and I now refuse to see. Theaters in Bangkok are cheap, those in the malls are nicely appointed, and the Thai audience realizes there are other people in the theater too, unlike back in the U.S. There is also usually some special promotion at the snack bar where you get a ‘souvenir’ plastic cup, or straw, or magnet, or decal, or whatever. Whatever piece of crap it is puts the smile back on Noom’s face, the one that turned upside down when I refused to buy tickets for Madagascar IX.

For me it’s not the movie so much as it is the movie-going experience that counts. And Brian Hall, who just spent 120 million baht building 5 theaters that sit a maximum of 30 people each, agrees. He’s the brain-trust behind Diplomat Screens at the recently opened Central Embassy, Bangkok’s first ever ultra-luxury lifestyle shopping mall that features the inaugural flagship outlets of Ralph Lauren, Tom Ford, and Yves Saint Laurent among other high-end designer brands. Considering the success of the nearby Gaysorn Plaza mall at hitting that market I’m not sure how successful Central Embassy will be. But its Diplomat Screens has won me over and I’m a fan for life. Besides, where else can you drop $80 on seeing a Michael Bay production? (In my defense it was with Marky Mark and not that skankhead Shia LaBeouf.)

Embassy Diplomat Screen's comfy couches and daybeds that recline into full beds stirs hopes the theaters will one day screen porn.

Embassy Diplomat Screen’s comfy couches and daybeds that recline into full beds stirs hopes the theaters will one day screen porn.

At Diplomat you probably won’t be sharing your movie experience with the cheap bastards who whine about paying $12 to watch a live sex show on Soi Twilight, and at a minimum of 900 baht per ticket you won’t have a bunch of rug rats carrying on either. I guess I have to apologize to whoever that was I just poked fun at on the message boards for saying that sometimes segregation is a good thing. Because when it comes to the haves and have-nots, it is. As long as you are willing to pay for it. But as with most good things in life, it’s not the cost but the value that matters and taking in a flick at Diplomat Screens is packed with values.

Each of the five cinemas are a bit different, with seating designed for the clientele it is intended for. For larger groups there are cozy couches (coupled with a private bar if your group is large enough), for the more sedentary there are reclining daybeds that fold out into actual beds; cocoon-style individual chairs make up the bulk of the seating selection. Regardless of where you decide to plop down, you’re provided with a soft duvet blanket and pillows for comfort. And every seat comes with its own adjustable light, a call button for a butler, a bag hanger, and an electrical outlet for recharging your cellphone battery. ‘Cuz multitasking at the multiplex is what it’s all about. But Wait! There’s More!

Your ticket to a whole new world of movie-going includes your choice of a ‘welcome set’ of an alcoholic drink and almonds, munchies from Dean & DeLuca, or a selection of tempting desserts from The Oriental Shop. And that’s just to get you started. There’s also a fully-stocked mini-bar (additional drinks like cocktails or beer are available from B100 per drink) and an on-call butler. Better yet, the spacious layout guarantees there’ll be no asshat kicking the back of your chair during the movie and no matter how high that matronly Chinese woman’s hair is stacked in front of you, you’ll still have an unimpeded view of the entire screen.

Not happy with your wrap-around private seating? Ask the butler to carry you to an new one.

Not happy with your wrap-around private seating? Ask the butler to carry you to an new one.

Of course when money is no object, the very latest technological advances incorporated into the theater’s sound system and visual displays are a given. And almost an after thought for Brian Hall. He says the Diplomat Screens audio/visual components are not in competition with the other high-tech cineplexes in town, that his brand is not being built on easily met levels of technology but on the experience beyond the movie itself. Touches like its exquisite lounge (with fireplace) and a living room-style decor are meant to extend guests’ stays. “If they come for a two-hour movie, we want them to spend four hours,” says Hall. “They can maybe arrive one hour earlier and our butler can get them anything they want. They can rent one of the VIP rooms afterwards and mingle with friends for another hour.” Hall says that is why every element has been carefully designed to offer the most pleasant feeling possible; he believes the homey component of a residential environment will make people feel more comfortable. That’s assuming your ‘homey’ environment comes draped in gold and furnished with $4,000 couches. Not to mention that butler.

The mall itself is a gorgeous piece of architecture, but I’ll save my review of Central Embassy’s shopping and dining experience for another post. I doubt I will ever be reviewing the attached six-star Park Hyatt Hotel once it is completed though, as the plans are for rooms to run at least $300 a night, making it the priciest property in town. But then that seems to be the concept behind the Central Group’s latest mall: opulent luxury not intended for the masses. They’ve even considered their hi-so clientele’s aversion to eating from street carts on the actual streets by moving up-market versions inside to the basement’s food court.

Embassy Diplomat Screens is not the first VIP movie going experience offered in Bangkok, but is the first cinema to only offer VIP seating. And they do it better than anyone else in town. If you’ve thought about trying one of the exclusive cinema seating options in the past but the price scared you away, there are several special offers available around town right now to lure the unsuspecting to Central Embassy’s theater. Bangkok Bank, for example, is offering half-off admission tickets to its credit card holders. Kinda like drug dealers offer school children their first hit of crack for free.

Diplomat Screens says there is no place like home, even if your home never looked so good.

Diplomat Screens says there is no place like home, even if your home never looked so good.

Knowing the likelihood of my wallet actually making an appearance at one of Central Embassy’s retail outlets, Noom was less than impressed with the mall. But the noises he made when he saw the ticket price at Diplomat Screens were priceless. That changed once we were inside the theater; “Beee-u-tiiii-full,” and “Dis nice!” summed his opinion up nicely. And the all-you-can-drink mini bar (aka “It free!”) worked its magic on his psyche too. You don’t want to know how many times he summonsed a ‘butler’ once he learned what the call-button was for. I don’t know if he was as impressed with Transformers: Age of Extinction, but that his answer to, “What do you want to do tonight?” resulted in our taking in Million Dollar Arm and yes, even Maleficent too pretty much says it all. As well as what a major part of my Bangkok-going experience will entail in the future.

The mall, built on the former grounds of the British Embassy, is easy to reach by BTS. It’s connected to both the Ploenchit BTS station and Chitlom, although the latter is reached through the less ostentatious Central Chidlom store. But then if you are out for a $100 movie night, you really should be arriving by limo. Or at least in a taxi.

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And The Little Gold Naked Man (Who Has A Penis This Year) Goes To . . .

02 Sunday Mar 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in It's A Gay World

≈ Comments Off on And The Little Gold Naked Man (Who Has A Penis This Year) Goes To . . .

Tags

Movies & Television

Did you know Oscar will finally have a penis this year? Betchya John Travolta did.

Did you know Oscar will finally have a penis this year? Betchya John Travolta did.

I guess that with a lesbian hosting the Academy Awards this year, it’s only right that Oscar finally supports some wood. Yup, Tim Robinson, the man responsible for Oscar’s physique has decided it is time for his penis to come out of the closet; this year those little gold men will have a bit more heft than ever before. Personally, I think it’s because the Academy is ramping up to give George Clooney another statue and wants him to be happy next time. And just in case Joe Manganiello ever wins one, there’ll be no problem with him feeling less of a man ‘cuz they went with an Asian-sized penis. Which, I guess, will work well for Jared Leto too.

If you haven’t noticed (you bitch) Nate Silver isn’t the only gay man whose predictions of the major moments of our lives are amazingly accurate. I called the presidential election right, scored 93% on last year’s Oscars, and have always claimed Tom Daley was gay. Even if he thinks he is only bisexual. So, to save you from having to actually tune in to the ceremony, without further ado, here are my predictions on who will walk away with a little dick at this year’s Academy Awards. Besides Bradley Cooper. If he gets lucky.

Ellen DeGeneres will be hosting this year’s Academy Awards.

Ellen DeGeneres will be hosting this year’s Academy Awards.

My first prediction is that despite Ellen DeGeneres hosting the awards, there will be no little gay girls who suddenly decide they are lesbian. Unless Ellen’s wife, Portia de Rossi, gets some air time. Then there will be lots of little gay boys who decide they need to be a lesbian. Perfectly understandable. However, Ellen’s appearance will send sales of Maybelline sky-high . . . can someone explain to me why lesbians haven’t a clue about how to apply their face paint? Less is more should be the guiding rule ladies (and I use that term loosely). It shouldn’t be an attempt to look like Rocky Raccoon. Maybe looking like a muppet is Ellen’s thing, but if she wants to get the gay wearing make-up thing right, she only need look at last year’s host, Seth MacFarlane, for a perfect example.

The Academy Awards often mirrors current events in the rest of the world, so, obviously, this is the Year of the Gay in Hollywood too. Uh, and yes, I know last year’s ceremony was too. And in neither case am I talking about Joan Rivers’ perennial drag queen act on the red carpet. This year will be a rainbow spectacular with Bette Midler performing, Liza (and her lesser known siblings) honoring Judy’s most famous film’s 75th anniversary, and both John Travolta and Will Smith on hand to pass out an Oscar (and pick up a few new phone number of casting couch potentials like Jonah Hill).

Michael Fassbender’s penis is not up for Best Actress in a Supporting Role, even if it does look like it could use a little support.

Michael Fassbender’s penis is not up for Best Actress in a Supporting Role, even if it does look like it could use a little support.

Best Actress (Almost):
I wouldn’t bother with predicting who will win the Best Actress in a Supporting Role award, other than noting that Bradley Cooper shoulda been a contender but got nominated in the wrong category, but even fish deserve a nod so I’ll give it a stab. This one is a difficult choice. Mostly because other than Julia Robert, I haven’t a clue as to who any of these bitches are. Jennifer Lawrence seems to be the favorite for her role in American Hustle, which would make her only the third actresses to have won Oscars back-to-back. Which for some reason sounds a little gay and would therefore fit with this year’s theme. But every time I hear someone say American Hustle, that old disco ditty Do The Hustle starts playing in my head, so I’m going with Lupita Nyong’o from 12 Years a Slave instead.

Besides, it’s been a few years since the Academy gave out a It’s Not Because You Are Talented But Because You Are Black And We Have To Show We Are Not Racists award. And then Paula Dean can refer to her as “that black girl” so we’ll know all is right with the world once again.

This modeling photo from Jared Leto’s high school days shows he knew he was always destined to play a ladyboy.

This modeling photo from Jared Leto’s high school days shows he knew he was always destined to play a ladyboy.

Best Supporting Actor:
The award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role is a tricky pick too. Being it is The Year of the Gay, Bradley Cooper would almost seem like a shoe-in. Michael Fassbender’s penis, on the other hand is obviously award material, though since it didn’t actually make an appearance in 12 Years a Slave it will only get the fondly remembered vote. It’s always a shame when an actor forgets where his true talents lay. But then this is Hollywood where fantasy is what it’s all about so rather than go with the real gay guy (Bradley) the Academy will instead honor the fake gay guy, Jared Leo, for his gender bending role as Mathhew McConaughey’s bottom half in Dallas Buyers Club.

Which is only right. Not since’s Glenn Close’s portrayal of Albert, a 19th-century Irishwoman posing as a man in 2011’s Albert Nobbs, has there been such a stand out performance of a man posing as a woman posing as a tranny. And it’s time Hollywood welcomed the T into our LGB family. Plus, Jared played Colin Farrell’s boy toy in Alexander and never won an award for Outstanding Achievement In Bottoming, so it’s time. (Though to be honest, getting to be Colin’s boy toy is probably honor enough). And with gold selling at $1,325 an ounce these days, maybe he can pawn his statue and finally be able to afford a haircut. And a bath.

No, the Best Actress Oscar will not be going to Bradley Cooper. Cate Blanchett will be walking away with his statue this year.

No, the Best Actress Oscar will not be going to Bradley Cooper. Cate Blanchett will be walking away with his statue this year.

Best Actress:
Oh goodie. Fish again. The Best Actress (in a Leading Role ‘cuz otherwise we’d be talking about Bradley Cooper again) nod will go to Cate Blanchett. Although I haven’t a clue as to why. Though it may be the We Know You Are A Pedophile But Love You Anyway vote for Woody Allen’s direction. But then I haven’t a clue as to why Sandra Bullock was nominated either. Or why some pundits think she will win.

I get that Sandra won an award for The Blind Side, because everyone loves Sandra and she was going through a rough patch back then and needed a little pick me up. Plus, she showed her acting chops in that movie by going blonde. But Sandra is no Meryl Streep. Who is also nominated this year and who would bitch slap Sandra if she won. And rightly so. Sandra played an astronaut in Gravity and managed to set the women’s rights movement back 50 years in doing so while proving she’s no Sally Ride either (so it’s also a good thing she won’t win or Ellen would be bitch slapping her too).

Granted, she matched George Clooney’s acting skills in Gravity, but a woman who has made her way to being an astronaut does not dissolve into a brainless ball of whining hysteria when things start going wrong. Even in 3-D. Her Miss Congeniality Goes To Space take was difficult to watch and I spent 89 minute of that movie hoping someone would bitch slap her into orbit. Ya know there’s a reason why Sandra has won so many Razzies.

Matthew McConaughey’s ass deservs an Olympic Gold medal, but will have to settle for an Oscar this year.

Matthew McConaughey’s ass deservs an Olympic Gold medal, but will have to settle for an Oscar this year.

Best Actor:
Matthew McConaughey will win the Oscar for Best Actor (aka The Tom Hanks Memorial Award For A Straight Actor Playing A Gay Man With Aids Award) ‘cuz the Academy loves its gay men when they really aren’t. Even though McConaughey’s character in Dallas Buyers Club is supposedly straight. Not to mention homophobic. Which doesn’t explain that ladyboy thingy.

But then McConaughey did play opposite Sandra Bullock in A Time to Kill and didn’t bitch slap her, so I guess he deserves an award for that. And Matthew has dropped trou in more of his movies than not. And he played a not-gay gay guy in Magic Mike too. Plus there’s that naked bongo playing thingy. And he’s not Leonardo DiCaprio, whom everyone is getting a bit tired of. Not to mention he’s getting a bit chubby.

But I think McConaughey will really get the Oscar. For having the nicest ass in Hollywood. Or because everyone is getting a bit tired of Leonardo DiCaprio, everyone hates Christian Bale, everyone thought Bruce Dern was dead, and the Academy already decided to give the It’s Not Because You Are Talented But Because You are Black And We Have To Show We Are Not Racists award to Lupita Nyong’o so Chiwetel Ejiofor is out of the running (and no one trusts Jennifer Lawrence to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name correctly anyway and that would be très embarrassing.) It doesn’t hurt that with an Oscar behind him McConaughey will be able to get Magic Mike 2 made either. Huh. Why doe it always come down to Joe Manganiello’s penis?

Obviously, Dustin Lance Black should win Best Director this year for scoring Tom Daley’s booty.

Obviously, Dustin Lance Black should win Best Director this year for scoring Tom Daley’s booty.

Best Director:
It’s probably a good thing Woody Allen didn’t get nominated for Best Directing ‘cuz we all know what Woody is good at directing his attentions toward, and that’s only award worthy in Pattaya. I’d like to see Martin Scorsese win, even if he did make the mistake of casting Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street, but since there is no tie-in for The Year of the Gay theme for any of those nominated, I think the Academy will again be tempted to play the Guilty White People card and go with Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave. Plus, I really liked him in The Great Escape.

But even though a win for McQueen would be a first for a black director, a win for Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity would also be a first for a Latino director. And in the long run Americans care about those who do their gardening more than those they like to imprison. So expect it to be Viva Cuarón (and don’t expect your lawn edging to be done for about a week).

Since it’s The Year of the Gay, some bondage flick about slaves will win Best Picture

Since it’s The Year of the Gay, some bondage flick about slaves will win Best Picture

Best Picture:
Which brings us to the big kahuna: Best Picture. (And yes, that photo of Tom Daley’s naked ass I linked to in yesterday’s post, again, should be the obvious winner.) Everyone says this is the most difficult category to call this year because those movies nominated are all outstanding films. But let’s get real. Captain Phillips only got the nod because the rules say any movie with Tom Hanks in it has to be nominated. Kinda makes you wish he’d never got off that island. No one has ever heard of Her, but that nomination was part of the deal to get Ellen DeGeneres to host. Lesbians, what can I say? You’d think the Hers and Hers towels would be enough. American Hustle and The Wolf of Wall Street, both odes to American greed capitalism, cancel each other out. Not that an award for greed capitalism isn’t always popular in America.

Philomena only got nominated because of Dame Judy Dench. And that it’s no longer enough for the Academy to piss Meryl Streep off by nominating her but not giving her an award, now they have to shove Dame Judy in her face at every opportunity too. Nebraska only won a place on the roster because it was arty and Hollywood likes to pretend it really isn’t just about the money. But then couldn’t really see themselves giving an Oscar to a movie named after one of the fly-over states anyway. And Joe Manganiello’s penis already got its six degrees of separation nod with McConaughey’s win for Best Actor, so Dallas Buyers Club won’t be winning either. Which leaves Gravity and 12 Years a Slave. And that makes it an easy call.

Gravity’s brilliance was in its use of technology and special effects. Which the Academy, like everyone else, forgot there’s already an award category for. Plus there’s the Viva Cuarón thingy. But while a week without your lawn being edged might be acceptable, a double win would mean your housekeeper would be too full of herself to do the dishes too, and, well, what good is hiring illegal aliens if they won’t cater to your every need? And anyway, I think it was a bit suspicious that Cuarón made a space movie without aliens in it just because of his people. It’s not like the Republicans were serious about immigration reform, ya know?

Did I already use my gay bondage film line? Do you care?

Did I already use my gay bondage film line? Do you care?

So the Best Picture Oscar will be going to 12 Years a Slave, even though the movie’s campaign literature used the slogan “It’s time,” which is a blatant rip-off of Bruce Buffer’s signature call when announcing the main card at UFC fights. Now there are those who are against the movie winning because it’s a Brit’s accounting of how the USA treats treated its African Americans, like they never enslaved an entire race of people themselves. But since Piers Morgan just got canned from CNN, I think we’ve already solved our uppity Brit problem for the year. And with having to have begrudgingly given Quentin Tarantino a nod by nominating Django Unchained last year, if they don’t give 12 Years a Slave the award this year that means having to find yet another slave movie for the win in 2015. And that in turn means another year they can’t hire Paula Dean as a presenter . . . and that poor lady really needs her career back. Before she’s forced to take a job working craft services on the Duck Dynasty set.

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Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

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