You can’t say happiness without saying penis, and the world can no longer say Russia without saying gay.

Huh. I feel bad for Putin and his band of merry – but 100% heterosexual – men. The Russian duma passed sweeping legislation to outlaw the propagation of homosexuality and their efforts have managed to turn the 2014 Olympics into what promises to be the gayest event of the decade. Conservative right wing nutters in the U.S. are fond of referring to the Gay Agenda, which has always pissed me off ‘cuz I never go to vote on those agenda items even though I’m a card carrying member and know the secret hand shake (hint: only one person’s hands are actually involved), but maybe they’re right. I mean besides their political leanings. Because it would take a well thought out master plan to bring the issue of gay right to the forefront of the world stage as effectively as Russia has. Who knew our true color was red and not pink?

The Russians have always been a dour lot and now we know why: you can’t say happiness without saying penis and male genitalia scares the crap out of them. But you can make your life just a bit gayer by ensuring when the world thinks about your country they also think about homosexuality. Even Google’s predictive results suggests gay as a follow up when you do a search on Russia these days. And their male figure skaters haven’t even taken to the ice yet. But thanks to Mother Russia’s efforts, any country that wants to cash in on the pink dollar too now has a sterling example of how best to propagandize homosexuality. And here’s how Russia has managed that feat, in ten easy steps:

1. Make Sure All The News Fit To Print Is Rainbow-Colored.
You can’t bring up the Sochi Games without someone mentioning gay rights these days. And that’s just on FOX News. As if the gays were really all Russia has to worry about in hosting the Olympics. It’s not like the gays were gonna overrun the Games anyway. Theirs just not enough exposed male flesh at the winter version of the Olympic to catch their attention. At worst, some strapping and sexually confused young conscript deployed as part of the event’s security force might have got laid in an unapproved manner.

Those Russian Olympic uniforms are not gay. They’re fabulous!

What really should have the Russians worried are the numerous political and ethnic factions unhappy with Russia thinking Sochi is part of their territory in the first place. So you’ve got Islamic extremists, and Circassian freedom fighters both vowing to upset the Games to strike back at the Russian bear Not to mention the Ukrainians, who are just a stone’s throw away and who one can only hope end up throwing nothing more than stones.

The threat of terrorism, an iffy weather forecast, greed and corruption, and an infrastructure so shoddily erected that some buildings have crumbled under their own weight would, at any other Winter Olympics, be the news of the day. Instead, if the story doesn’t have a gay leg to and on it’s being ignored by the press. And Ryan Seacrest hasn’t even landed in Russia yet.

2. Turn Your Rubles Into Pink Dollars.
Everyone on both sides of the Olympic’s political divide like to claim that the Games are first and foremost about sports. What they really are about is money. And the Sochi Games are shaping up to be the most expensive Winter Games to date. And thanks to Russia politicalizing the event through it’s anti-gay legislation, ticket sale too are setting an all-time record. As in having the highest number of un-sold tickets still sitting, waiting for someone to buy them. The way things are going there are gonna be more gay activists in Sochi than spectators.

You call it a space-saving cubical, gays into scat and golden showers call it a little slice of heaven.

Of course, before corporate thinking realized just how disastrous supporting a regime that hates gays can be to their bottom line, the usual global giants like Coke, Procter & Gamble, and McDonalds’s ponied up to be a proud Olympic Sponsor. The backlash they are already experiencing means they are all going into over-drive now trying to convince everyone that they love the gays. So you can expect to see some major adverting campaigns that promote the homosexual life-style coming to a television screen near you in the very near future. Thank you Putin!

3. If Ya Gotta Go, Go Gay.
Not even the City of San Francisco has come up with such a gay-inclusive idea like setting up toilets that provide a secluded place for those who haven’t the time to get a hotel room. You have to wonder since the two-man luge looked too gay for Sochi’s Olympic organizers, how a two-man shitter managed to make the grade. But I guess that unique design does eliminate the problem of the gays getting off using glory holes in the loo. Plus, Sochi’s twin toilets give the gay rights movement a whole new meaning.

4. Don Ye Now Your Gay Apparel.
I get that Russia isn’t up on the gay rights movement, but you’d think even Putin would have realized the rainbow is generally considered a gay symbol these days. You’d think the Russians would ban the use of rainbows at the Games, viewing the symbol as a form of propagandizing homosexuality. Instead they’ve gone with that motif for the uniforms to be worn by the Olympic staff and volunteers. But to be fair, it could have been worse. They too could have hired Ralph Lauren to design their uniforms.

There are no gays in Sochi. Drag Queens, however, are well-represented.

5. Let Your Gay Fantasies Run Wild.
Huh. So the Sochi Organizing Committee decided to do away with the two-man luge because it looked too gay. And then replaced that sport with a new event: team figure skating. ‘Cuz there’ nothing gay about figure skating. Evidently in the Russian mind two men having sex is disgusting, but an orgy of male penis is worthy of a gold medal.

6. Name Your Olympic Stadium After A Gay Fetish.
Okay, so they only went with Fisht instead of Fishting, but still . . . And ya know Ryan Seacrest is gonna giggle every time he says Fisht on air. Which will be often.

7. Show The World Where The Gays Are.
Taking a page from Iran’s playbook – because that’s always a smart move – Sochi’s mayor has claimed there are no gays in his city. It may boast not one but two gay clubs, but one of those are about drag queens, not gays. Both not-gay venues are now known world-wide thanks to the mayor’s inability to recognize a gay when he sees one. Where’s the down-to-earth sensibilities of Mayor Rob Ford when you need them?

8. Spread DILF Propaganda Instead.
Ahhhh, Vlad. Shirtless pix of celebrities are always popular. Shirtless pix of world leaders, not so much. Nonetheless, Putin shows off hi grandpa pecs at every opportunity. No problemo. Beefcake is a gay thing. Except for pre-teen girls who don’t yet know what sex is but do know Justin Bieber’s perky little nipples look a lot like their own, those who drool over shirtless shots are the gay boys of the world. Just ask Congressman Schock. Putin may not be in favor of the gays, but obviously has a soft spot for daddy lovers. And when your country’s leader often looks like he’s posing for a shot to post on Grindr . . . .

9. Be All The Gay You Can Be.
If you are not quite sure that your efforts at gaying up your event have been enough, the obvious answer is to build a monument to cock rings. ‘Cuz nothing will scare the gays away like a giant display of sexual paraphernalia greeting them at the airport.

10. Whistle Do You Believe?
The organizers of The London Games invited the Who’s drummer Keith Moon to take part in their opening ceremonies, even though Keith had been dead for a few decades. So you gotta give credit to the Sochi Organizing Committee for not extending the same invite to Liberace. Sure they coulda gone with Elton John instead, but the Rocket Man is too grumpy for even the Russians. So they asked Cher. Who being the gay icon that she is, said, “Nyet.” No problemo. Time is short but the rumor is that the Sochi Organizing Committee is anxiously awaiting a response from Judy Garland.

You’d think things couldn’t get any gayer in Sochi, but never underestimate the Russians, there’ still a week to get the rainbows flying. So let the Gays begin . . .

[‘The XXII Gays of The Winter Olympics’ are a series of posts about hot Olympians, gay competitors – both present and past – and general articles about the 2014 Sochi Games of interest to gay men. So, yeah, lots of hot male eye candy. Click the The XXII Gays of The Winter Olympics graphic below for additional news, stories, and pictures.]