If you’ve been following this First Timers Guide To Bangkok Gay Gogo Bars series of posts, then by now you’re probably not really a newbie to the world of Bangkok’s gay gogo bars any longer. You’ve already popped your gogo bar cherry and know how to enjoy yourself at a bar without making an ass out of yourself, know what to expect when you get a bar boy back to your room – and how not to be disappointed when you don’t get what you expected – and have learned the low-maintenance life-style of being a butterfly. Hopefully, you’ve also learned how to not be a cheap ass. But learning and putting that knowledge into practice are two entirely different things. When your soul and your wallet are interconnected, not coming across as kee ngok just ain’t gonna happen. But then there are worse things in life. You could instead be considered by the boys to have a big heart.
As often as I have railed against the cheap asses of the bar world, mine is a voice lost in the wilderness. Read the gay Thailand message boards and you’ll quickly realize mine is the dissenting opinion. Sure that’s more about Pattaya where pinching a penny is considered an obligatory touri activity, but nonetheless the fact remains there is a large majority of punters out there whose ideal orgasm greatly depends on how cheaply they can score. Value is based on how much you can get for how little it can cost you. To them it’s not about the bar boys, their lives, goals, and desires. It’s about their wallets and being serviced. And I get that. I’m a big fan of the It’s All About Me generation too.
I’ve ignored punters’ complaints about the dire straits of their home country’s currency and economy, the rising costs of international travel, and the plight of sexpats who retired to Pattaya on an income that leaves them living below the poverty line as a whining of a bunch of losers for whom life is all about complaining. I should have realized that having chosen Thailand as the only place on earth where they could afford to pay for the sex that would otherwise elude them, costs play an important role. And it’s not just about how cheaply they can get an orgasm (LMTU would gladly blow them for free with the expense being nothing more than a visit to the nearest public loo). It’s about getting value for the small handful of baht they fork over to their boy du jour. I know, being known as the considerate, loving, kindhearted person that I am, you wouldn’t expect me to so brazenly ignore the plight of Thailand’s cheap bastards. So I’ll rectify that matter with these tips on how to squeeze the last satang of value out of a bar boy:
1. What Goes Up.
Value isn’t about cost as much as it is about how much you receive for the money you spend. Or how often you receive it. Planned correctly your time with a bar boy does not have to follow that old adage of what goes up must come down. He may base his off on a per-orgasm basis but that doesn’t mean you have to too. If one go-round costs you 600 baht, squeezing in three orgasms during your time together means it’s only costing you 200 baht per spurt.
That’s not as selfish and one-sided ass it sounds. Your boy too can benefit. He spent some of his hard earned baht on a little blue pill so that he could look like he was enjoying your ugly ass. Forcing multiple orgasms out of him means he gets more value out the cost of that pill too, even if it is about keeping him hard and useful for your benefit. Mother Teresa should have been as thoughtful.
2. There’s Value In His Other Head Too.
As tired as you may be from squeezing three orgasms out of a cheap, short-time off, just sending your boy off into the night afterward is like leaving money on the table. There’s still gold in them there hills and to get full value from that generous 600 baht tip you paid him, you’d better be ready to mine for it. Your bar boy is sitting on a wealth of information. It’s time to drain him dry. He can tell you which of his bar mates hasn’t been offed in weeks and will be willing to do you for 300 baht. He knows which of the boys in the bar also solicit customers on Gay Romeo, which means you can get the boy cheaper and avoid an off fee too. He also knows which boys won’t do everything, or anything for that matter, and can save you from spending your money on a dud in the future. Feel free to grill him on his fellow bar boys. If it means he won’t have to deal with you as a customer ever again, he’ll probably be willing to share that knowledge with you.
3. Milking Him For All He’s Worth.
Cheap bastards hate paying for a long-time off; after all, you can get a bottle of gin for what those extra hours with a boy will cost you. Sexpats don’t want to give up the time they’d otherwise spend bitching about bar boys on the gay Thailand message boards either. But visitors can benefit greatly from a long-time off. For just a few hundred baht more you get lots of sex and tons of hidden values too.
Your bar boy’s English may suck, even if he refuses to. But then your command of the Thai language is even worse. Using your boy du jour as a translator can make your time in Thailand much easier. You won’t even have to learn those few simple Thai phrases touri who mistakenly think they need to be polite rely on. Whether it’s ordering a meal or arguing with the hotel staff over being charged a joiner fee, using your bar boy as a translator can pay great dividends. Used wisely as such you can easily recoup the paltry sum you paid to him as a tip.
Even the most hardened sex tourist tends to spend a bit of time seeing the sights when visiting the Kingdom. Your boy du jour can make an excellent tour guide too. Not that he will know of or be interested in the places you want to visit, but he will be able to communicate your desires to your taxi driver. And if you really want to save some baht he’ll know which bus is the cheapest one to take too. If you’re sly about it, you can have your boy purchase admission tickets for both of you too, getting your entrance fee at the lower price offered to Thais.
Tell your boy du jour you need to go shopping and he’ll get hard quicker than that little blue pill ever managed to make him. After you reap that benefit, you can actually hit a mall or market. When shopping, Thais always get better prices than rich farang do. You can use your boy to barter for a discount. Just keep him thinking that the money he saves you will be spent on a new iPhone for him and you’ll be amazed at how quickly those savings add up. Hell, with the money he saves you through haggling you can even afford to pick up an additional boy. And everybody loves a twofer.
There’s also money to be saved by expense avoidance. Bar boys love to go to the airport to see their Farangs off. Most assume the pockets full of baht you haven’t spent will be worthless to you and you’ll hand it over to them instead of it going to waste. That just proves that bar boys are as naive as first time visiting farang. You can use that to your benefit. You won’t have to tip the bell hop at the hotel by using your boy as a porter instead. He’s young and running up and down four flights of stairs to bring all of the suitcases you thought you needed to travel with is good exercise for him. Don’t be afraid to make him carry you down to the lobby either – it’s all part of the service and bar boys love nothing more than the opportunity of taking care of you. And while it won’t result in a direct monetary savings, once at the airport there’s no reason for you to stand in long lines when you can use your boy to save your place in line for you. That’ll give you the opportunity to find something to buy with the remaining baht your bar boy thought would soon be his.
4. You Can’t Squeeze Blood Out Of A Turnip, But . . .
That doesn’t man you shouldn’t drain your bar boy dry. As needy as they are it’s easy to make promises that will keep them attached to you for as long as you want to string them along. And that doesn’t have to end just because your holiday in Thailand did. Holding out the promise of a future together will guarantee an endless supply of email and text messages filled with expressions of the boy’s love for you. It doesn’t take much effort to ensure those messages come with lots of photos of your favorite part of your boy either. You can get years of pleasure out of a single extended off without it ever costing you another dime. Add those self-inflicted times of joy to your total and it can easily mean paying less than 80 baht per orgasm. Now we’re talking!
If you do decide to make further cash deposits between trips, consider that it’s not only the joy of cheap sex that can be yours. You can also finally have an official boyfriend. And you can satisfy other emotional needs too. Sure, some fools get the stroking their egos need by sponsoring a hungry child in Africa for just five cents a day. But for that same outlay of coin you can do better with what is now your boyfriend. You can not only demand that he remain chaste and true to you between your twice a year trips to Thailand, but you can cause him great emotional pain when you bust him by calling at odd hours to check up on where he is and what he’s doing. Your sexpat friends stuck in Pattaya only get that kind of fun by making fun of their fellow destitute retirees. And they’ll all be jealous of you when you parade your boy special around Sunee Plaza, or have him sit quietly while you and your cronies spend countless hours together nursing a beer during your night out on the town together. Best yet, the cost of your boy is but a fraction of what Paris Hilton had to pay for the scrawny mut she adopted as a BFF. And she didn’t get the bonus of sex out of it. I think.
The fact is if you send your boy a small monthly stipend – about what you would otherwise spend to have your car washed monthly – that’s big money in Thailand. And you now own him. Slavery may be dead, but sex slavery is alive and well. And surprisingly affordable too. Remember that ownership has benefits above renting. Just think of the fun you can have next time you’re in Pattaya and can force your boy special to undergo humiliating drug and STD tests (not that you’d waste money on tests done by medical professionals – there are cheap home-tests you can buy. Ask any of your sexpat friends, they know where you can purchase those at the best price).
Not that it’s all about you. You are in a relationship now after all. You can see to your boy’s needs by helping him improve himself too. For example, while you are back in your home country you can force him to take English classes so that he’ll be better able to understand you during your future trips to Thailand. Which will increase his value to you as a companion, translator, tour guide, and negotiator. Win-win. That’s what life is all about.
And finally, if you are savvy, all of that money you spent on your boy will not go to waste when you find a new boy younger and more desperate to take advantage of in his place. Like others before you, once the romance is over there’s still value in your relationship. You can use those naughty pictures you’ve demanded he pose for over the years to pimp him out on-line to unsuspecting first-time visitors to Pattaya too. A paid-for relationship with a Thai bar boy is truly a gift that keeps giving. As long as you are willing to take what is rightfully yours.
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