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…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

~ Ramblings, Rumblings and Travel Tales: Bangkok and Beyond

…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

Category Archives: Dancing With the Devil

Stories, articles, and guides about Thailand’s Gay Gogo Bars

Good-bye Bangkokbois

10 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by Bangkokbois in Dancing With the Devil

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Bangkokbois, Gay Thailand Forums

Bangkokbois1

Friends,

We recently re-stored the Bangkokbois site, “…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…” for Rush in his absence.

Rush died in his home in California on November 23, 2015 where he’d lived with his elderly mother who he cared for.

Rush gave us all a lot of pleasure with his writing, his posts and his exceptional sense of humor.

I know, speaking on behalf of his readers…he has been and will continue to be missed.

17370

Surfcrest

http://sawatdeenetwork.com

http://bangkokbois.sawatdeenetwork.com

Bangkokbois

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I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Eyes Wide Shut

06 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy

≈ 7 Comments

Eyes Wide Shut 1

Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, is one of those people who kiss with their eyes wide open. Not that I blame him. Considering what he does for a living I wouldn’t’ want to take my eyes off a customer either. But then considering who he does for a living, I’d shut my eyes as tightly as possible as soon as I walked into a customer’s hotel room too. When you are a bar boy, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Still, he’s in the minority. According to a recent opinion poll, 4I percent of people keep their eyes closed when they kiss. 20 percent admit to peeking. And 8 percent keep their eyes wide open. There was no statistic on how many people open their eyes in the morning and wish they’d not been kissing what they woke up next to the night before. ‘Cuz that can be a real eye opener.

Bar boy or not, the act of kissing itself too is a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. On the plus side, a quick, romantic kiss burns two to three calories. Use your tongue and that soars to over five. But wait! There’s more! The bodies of those engaged in kissing produce a substance that is 200 times more powerful than morphine in terms of narcotic effect. That’s why those locked in a lip embrace often experience feelings of euphoria and bliss. Not to mention feeling the growing erection of the guy you’re kissing. Which, in Thailand, probably isn’t a good thing when it turns out the girl you thought you were kissing is a guy. Then again, speaking of opening your eyes . . .

Kissing someone you are attracted to elevates your blood pressure and causes your pulse rate to race faster than a bar boy who just snagged 500 baht for taxi money. But keep smooching and as those morphine-like hormones in your blood rise, your life-expectancy diminishes. Science says that for every 90 seconds of tongue action you engage in, you shorten your life by one minute. No problemo. I’d rather spend time locking lips with a hot guy than living longer without any day of the week. Or every day of the week when I’m in Bangkok. Besides, celibacy is not an easy virtue to carry into the nocturnal hours.

Eyes Wide Shut 2

Being a top, I’m always interested in if a potential playmate bottoms. Especially when I’m paying for it. But if he doesn’t, it’s not a deal breaker for me. I’m not one of those people for whom making love ends with a particular act. For others, cock size is all important. For some it’s about body hair. There are those who want to know if a bar boy is gay or straight, as though there is such a thing as a gay or straight penis. And most of us know of at least one punter for whom skin temperature means the difference between a night of bliss or a night of getting the cold shoulder treatment. Generally, I’m not that picky. There’s always something fun you can find to do with a hot stud. But he does have to kiss. Not necessarily well, but if lips and tongue are not involved, my hand can do the job by itself. So it was probably prophetic that the night I met Noom I never got around to asking him if he kissed before we left the bar. Fortunately for me, he did.

When we returned to my hotel room that night it wasn’t long before our lips met. He’d not even removed his clothes yet, which for Noom is an integral part of walking into a room. That night was more years ago than I care to remember, but I can still perfectly recall our embrace, the sly smile that lit both of our faces, and the almost chaste kiss we shared as the door swung shut. It’s also when I first discovered he kisses with his eyes open. Which I shouldn’t have as I don’t. But I’d already succumbed to the depths of his beautifully expressive eyes, so deeply black they make midnight jealous. So I peeked. And saw an eyeball staring back at me. We laughed. And then he finished walking into the room. I quickly forgot about his beautiful eyes. And got busy kissing all those body parts that couldn’t stare back at me. Although I’m pretty sure at least one of them winked at me.

That quickly became habit. Not the part about kissing all those body parts that couldn’t stare back at me (well, okay that too) but rather meeting eye to open eye while our tongues played with each other. I can’t tell you if kissing with your eyes open or closed is better. But that eye contact, at least with Noom, seemed to be the more intimate of the two. It was, and is, as though neither of us wants to lose focus of the other. And the feel of another man’s eyelashes flickering against yours is extremely erotic to boot. So I’d like to tell you that it was prophetic too that the both of us entered into what became a long-lasting relationship with our eyes wide open. But as the evening progressed (which is the polite way of saying we’d stopped kissing and started fucking), as things heated up, and as those things that had heated up got hotter and hotter, my handsome muscle hunk who kissed with open eyes, firmly clamped his eye lids shut. The smile that had been infusing his face was still there. But it was obviously evident that that smile no longer included any acknowledgement of my presence. Bummers.

Eyes Wide Shut 3

Noom, if you are either new to these tales or of an age where memory enjoys playing its tricks, is straight. Or considers himself to be. Even though he’s had tons more dick than pussy in his life. And I’ve never held a bar boy’s sexual identity against him anyway. Because their dicks never seem to care much about how their mind identifies itself. So when a straight bar boy needs to close his eyes to what is going on so that he can run fantasies through his mind about what isn’t, no problemo. I think having sex with a gay bar boy who loves everything about dick but still closes his eyes when he is with you might be even worse.

In any case, I’m confident enough in myself (read oblivious) that if and when a bar boy needs to fantasize about tits and twats instead of the dick I’m shoving in his face, I can still thoroughly enjoy myself. Or as author and Noble Prize winner Saul Bellow put it: A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep. So Noom went from kissing with his eyes open to stroking himself to a climax with his eyes closed with fantasies that could only be more disgusting than I’d ever want to consider playing in his mind and we both managed to enjoy what we had wrought. The next night was the same; possibly with even more kissing, but ending happily once again in the dark for at least one of us.

When your romance – even for just a night – is based on a financial transaction, no matter how passionate the kisses you exchange may be they’re still bought and paid for. They may include a heavy dose of lust, but its about sex, not emotions, and love never raises its little head. Unless viewed through those rose-colored glasses you insist on strapping around your head. And I can, and have, lived with that too. The ability to ignore facts is a handy trait to master. So while Noom had me at first kiss, it wasn’t until years later that he cemented our relationship with a quick peck on the lips.

Eyes Wide Shut 4

It wasn’t during the throes of passion, we were not naked or soon on our way to being in that state. I don’t even remember what it was that lead up to that kiss. But do remember it was unexpected, in public, and the type of kiss you don’t first think about. It was spontaneous. And natural. It was affection, possibly even love, an expression of emotions that had totally zip to do with sex. And it opened my eyes to the fact that our friendship with benefits had turned into a loving relationship. Even though when sex did enter the picture, the pictures playing through his mind still held not even a bit part for yours truly much less a starring role. No problemo. Just because his eyes stay closed doesn’t mean mine have to, and watching him cum always has been, and is, a picture of delight.

I admit I once considered kissing Noom during those final, climatic moments together. Just to see which eye lid position would win that round. But that’s the problem with tinking too much. We’re often locked in an embrace – lips included – during those times. And his eyes stay closed. So I’m not sure who it is he is kissing then. Not that my dick, which is fully in charge of things by then, really cares. Besides, when he comes, as he comes, his eyes pop open anyway. It’s a mixture of surprise, delight, and satisfaction. And regardless of who it was he was fantasizing about, at that moment it’s just about the two of us. At least until our post-coital kiss. Then his eyes close again and he drifts off to sleep. And I’m not concerned about being someone else’s understudy then because I already know where I stand. I’m his substitute for a pillow.

You’d think whoever that it is who is in bed with us while Noom’s eyes are closed would bother me. But then many think I should also be bothered by whoever it is that Noom is in bed with when I’m thousands of miles away. One is a fantasy, the other reality, of the two the latter should probably be more of a concern. Except that Noom considers what he does as a bidness and is always trying to improve his customer service. Which often means he’s learned a new trick of the trade or two between visits. Then I move from pillow stand-in to guinea pig. He’ll try whatever it is he just learned out on me, then back away watching my eyes for a reaction. An arched eyebrow usually results in his reply, “Customah.” Occasionally, instead, I get a giggle and, “You!”

Eyes Wide Shut 5

Nine times out of ten whatever he’s considering adding to his repertoire is a plus. Which is a good thing since five time out of ten his new tick is something he picked up from me. Still, Noom adds his own twist to whatever it is. It’s a good thing there is a fluidity about his sexual identity, more so that his body is limber enough to allow for a fluidity in positions too. And while I’m not sure that variety really is the spice of life, there’s nothing like a few new unexpected moves to spice up your sex life when that act is one you’ve performed for a decade or more. It’s like being a butterfly even though you keep offing the same bar boy again and again.

So I’m seldom surprised – but always delighted – when Noom adds some new and unexpected twist to our bodies being twisted together underneath the bed sheets. And while he’s never learned the trick of keeping his eyes closed while kissing, he has adapted and switched up his kissing moves, techniques, and skills. Some of which I’ll take credit for. But there are tricks and then there are tricks. And sometimes it’s not about being with a trick. As I discovered one night not long ago when I looked deeply into his lids closed, fantasy playing eyes as he neared his happy ending only to realize they weren’t. Never seen before, his eyes were wide open. And looking back into mine. Our lips may have not been locked, but our eyes were throughout. And the smile that played across his face only had room in it for me.

I have to assume, afterwards, when we kissed, that his eyes remained opened as they usually do. Mine didn’t; my mind was too intent on replaying that fantasy that had suddenly became reality. It’s been the same ever since. But that night, as we cuddled together to drift into sleep, he threw his leg over mine, shifting into a closer position and sans giggle offered a content and dreamy sigh, “You.” Because sometimes it takes time for us to see what our eyes should have been open to all along.

Eyes Wide Shut 6

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Learned Behavior

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Learned Behavior

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Four Eyes

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Four Eyes

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy:  Getting Offed and Getting Off

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Getting Offed and Getting Off

10 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bangkok Gay Go Go Bar

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

The gay kinda news website Queerty recently ran an article titled 13 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bar From A Castro Bartender. I almost skipped reading it because picking up someone in the Castro really doesn’t require stepping into a bar. When the street is full of gay guys on the prowl, you get hit on even while trying to scrape off the dog shit you just stepped in from your shoe. And when the odor of Eau De Fido isn’t enough to not get you laid, whatever fails some pretentious bar back wants to warn you about really don’t matter. On the other hand, not having to come up with original content is always a plus in my book, so I thought I’d re-purpose those tips with an eye towards modifying them for use in picking up a bar boy in Thailand. Or offing one as some jaded souls call it.

I thought that task may take some heavy editing. Surprisingly it did not. The world is a small place. And the line between getting laid for free and paying for it is a thin one. When it’s your orgasm at stake, convincing some hottie that your bed is the perfect place for him to throw his heels in the air takes about the same amount of effort regardless if he’ll be earning some taxi money or not. And thankfully, guys being guys, it seldom takes much effort in either case.

Nonetheless, many poor souls in the Castro return to an empty bed nightly, and many punters in Bangkok return to their bed with a bar boy they’d rather they hadn’t. Which guy you off is up to you, but having it be the one you really wanted is up to your skills at landing the perfect bar boy. So here are a few tips:

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you'll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you’ll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

1. The Meat and Greet.
Queerty’s bartender’s first bit of sage advice was to stop using your trusty pickup lines, noting that most fail as conversation starters and instead linger like bad gas. No problemo in picking up a bar boy ‘cuz he probably already thinks you smell a bit off. Pick-up lines, as such, are not necessary in landing the perfect bar boy. Slapping down your wallet bulging with cash on the table top, however, works wonders.

The boys have a traditional pick-up line of their own, however. Their what your name where you stay how long you stay Bangkok greeting gets the job done every time. Using it before they do, if you really feel the need to use a pick-up line, is a great ploy. Those who speak some English will laugh. Those who merely learned that phrase and really have no idea what it means will get a look of pure panic in their eyes. And there’s a good chance which ever of the two responses your potential off displays, it’ll be the same when he accompanies you to your hotel room and you drop your pants.

2. Let Your Demons Rest.
The second bit of advice from Queerty’s bartender is a warning against a liquid diet. By the time you drink enough to get up the nerve to hit on some hottie, you’ll be too drunk to be a success. ‘Cuz no one like a man who looks like he’s ready to hurl in the gutter. As well intended as that advice is, I think he got it wrong. If you are a 10, no matter how drunk you are there are still plenty of guys who will be willing to take you home with them. The warning should be that when you wake up in their bed the next morning you’ll have one mother of a hangover. And you’ll discover you just slept with a 3.

Ditto for the bar boy you pick up when you are too inebriated to remember you hate effeminate twinks. ‘Cuz that’s who you’ll wake up next to the next morning. And it’ll be the one who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps. Plus, when you go to tip him so he’ll leave you’ll discover your wallet is almost empty ‘cuz you ended up buying the bar’s mamasan a bottle. And a new cell phone.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

3. Sex By Proxy Is Never Enjoyable.
Queerty’s bartender says that if you want to hit on a guy, don’t send one of your buddies over to break the ice first. What he doesn’t say is what we all know: that bitch will end up taking your intended conquest home with himself if you do. ‘Cuz a gay wingman is always gonna pretend your plane already got shot out of the air if the guy is hot enough.

Playing Go Ask Him If He Likes Me is an even bigger mistake in a Bangkok gogo bar. First, because if he is hot enough just like in a Castro bar your wingman will off the boy first. Second, if he doesn’t the boy will assume he’s gonna be expected to do you both. And third, since most punters fly solo at gogo bars, your wingman for the night will be the bar’s mamasan and the only available boy will be the one who shares his tips with her. Which will be the twink who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps.

4. Reach Out And Touch Someone.
Our bartender in the know says one of the deadly sins in trying to pick up a trick in a gay bar is to have your eyes glued to your cell phone. Which just shows you how out of touch the dude is. ‘Cuz any gay guy worth is salt has his eyes permanently glued to his cell phone these days ‘cuz otherwise he might miss that hottie Grindr says is just down the block.

Bangkok’s bar boys are addicted to their phones these days too. Even if in their case it’s more about watching straight porn so they can get up for their job’s demands. And they won’t be the least bit put-off if you’re paying attention to your phone rather than to them. In fact, they prefer it. The danger here is not that you’ll fail to connect, but that every boy you show the least bit of interest in will immediately ask for your phone number. Then, whenever they need a few extra hundred baht, they’ll call you to remind you how much they love you.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he'll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he'll use it for a lifetime.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he’ll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he’ll use it for a lifetime.

5. Leave Your Baggage On The Plane.
No one in a bar in the Castro wants to hear about your problems, your failures, your worries, or your entire failed dating history. And bringing up your ex just means the guy you are trying to hit on will never become one. Bar boys don’t want to hear that shit either. No one does. Not even your mother. And the bar boy you want to off certainly doesn’t want to hear about the disastrous off you paid for the night before. Not because that’s gossip. Bar boys love gossip. He doesn’t want to hear your tale of woe ‘cuz he – and every other bar boy on the soi – already heard about it. And you don’t want to remind him of why your performance was so memorable.

6. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re A Cheapskate.
Obviously, our Castro bartended has never been to Pattaya. ‘Cuz his #6 tip is about how hot tipping is. Specifically: “People that visibly tip get more play. It shows they are generous and care enough to pay for service.” Word. You probably think a night with a bar boy is all about sex. To him it’s all about money. So tip generously and tip often. That shows you’re jai dee. And bar boys love customers who have a big heart. ‘Cuz they are the ones good for a few thousand baht later when emailed with the tragic news of the boy’s water buffalo having just died.

7. Gay For Pay Is An Honored Profession In Thailand.
The #7 bartender’s tip is to not ask potential tricks if he is single, and why. Ditto with bar boys in Bangkok. ‘Cuz most have a wife as well as several kids back home. And that’s TMI when your fantasy is about him falling madly in love with you. A similar mistake is asking him if he is gay. He is probably not. But will tell you he is ‘cuz he knows that’s what you want to hear. The problem is that bar boys tend to think gay means bottom. And when your dream was to be ridden hard and put away wet, finding out later you just offed the biggest bottom in Bangkok is never a happy ending.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

8. Love The One You’re With.
Queerty’s bartender thinks you should pay attention to the guy you are trying to take home with you and not instead chat with your friends, the bartender, every hot guy who walk past you, and the homeless man you brought into the bar because you though it’d be funny. Bar boys too appreciate it when their customer only has eyes for them. And starting your off off with a pouting bar boy is never fun. That joy should be saved for when he becomes your boyfriend several days later.

9. But Do It Safely.
Not using how much you despise wearing a condom as a pick up line is another suggestion our friendly bartender has for those trying to get laid. ‘Cuz it’s about getting laid, not getting laid to rest. Bangkok bar boys are not appreciative of customers who refuse to wear protection either. In their minds it’s not about whether or not the farang is diseased, but . . . well, in their minds there is no question, they know he is. But they also know the benefit of insisting a customer slips on a rubber is that many will be too drunk to accomplish that tricky feat. And that means a full night’s tip for zero effort. Which is what a bar boy thinks safe sex means in the first place.

10. Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.
The last bit of advice our knowledgeable bartender has worth discussing (there are three other bits of wisdom, but like most queens he tends to repeat himself) is to not use your hook-up as your official coming out party. Because unlike Islamic jihadists, gay men do not think seventy-some virgins constitute paradise. To a gay man, hearing, “This is my first time,” is almost as bad as hearing, “I don’t swallow.”

It's not that a bar boy won't tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he'll do so in Thai. And that's like a tree falling in a forest.

It’s not that a bar boy won’t tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he’ll do so in Thai. And that’s like a tree falling in a forest.

Bangkok bar boys, however, love virgins. Especially virgins to Bangkok. That not only means you don’t know that 5,000 baht is not a normal short-time tip, but that you’ll come quickly so they can go even more quickly. With the 1,000 baht taxi money that customers traditionally give their bar boy.

Costs aside, however, a gogo bar in Bangkok is the perfect place to lose your gay virginity. Bar boys will not hold your lack of experience against you. ‘Cuz they really aren’t all that interested in your orgasm in the first place. And bar boys are discrete too. They won’t tell all of your friends about the disgusting things you wanted to do with them. They will tell all the other boys on the soi, but then they were all laughing at you already. So no foul. And getting your gay on in Bangkok means no one back home will ever know. ‘Cuz what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok. Which helps explains why there are so many ladyboy bars in the breeder sex tourist nirvana of Nana Plaza.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don’ts For The Newbie: The Hotel Room Edition

Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don’ts For The Newbie: The Hotel Room Edition

A First Timers Visit To Gay Pattaya:   Part 2a -  Dongtan Beach And The Crack Of Don

A First Timers Visit To Gay Pattaya: Part 2a – Dongtan Beach And The Crack Of Don

A Walk On The Wild Side at Bangkok's Tawan Bar

A Walk On The Wild Side at Bangkok’s Tawan Bar

How To Get The Most Out Of The Short-Time You Now Have

05 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Bangkok, Gay GoGo Bars

The Good General has imposed a curfew on the hours you'll have to enjoy the boys of Bangkok. But there are holes in his plan if you know how to spot them.

The Good General has imposed a curfew on the hours you’ll have to enjoy the boys of Bangkok. But there are holes in his plan if you know how to spot them.

If you’ve ever partied in Bangkok, you know it as a city that never sleeps. That’s the good news. The bad news is that in his continuing effort to make Thailand a happy place, The Good General has decided to set Bangkok’s alarm clock to 12am. For the next two weeks (kinda,sorta) at the stroke of midnight Bangkok’s party palaces will be turning into pumpkins. Short-time offs just became that much shorter as the ongoing police vs. military/government squabble for power and tea money claims its latest victim.

According to numerous bar owners and event organizers all nightlife and entertainment venues, parties, and events must adhere to the new midnight entertainment curfew which will last for about two weeks. The word came down from above early Wednesday morning when squads of army and police officials visited a number of nightlife venues to order them closed for the Maka Bucha holiday. Which, since by law all major Buddhist holidays are dry, was expected. That the curfew would extend beyond the actual holiday, not so much.

Trying to make sense out of governmental decreed closing hours have never been easy. That the new curfew has been spread orally with nothing appearing in writing just adds to that confusion. Nevertheless, the new normal appears to be a midnight curfew for most venues, and a 1am closing for those located in an ‘entertainment zone,’ with some splitting the difference and planning to shut their doors at 12:30am. ‘Cuz even the country’s government runs on Thai time.

The hours you have to spend with the hot males of Soi Twilight just got shorter.

The hours you have to spend with the hot males of Soi Twilight just got shorter.

Regardless of just when the party ends, the new curfew means Bangkok’s sex tourists will be left with less time to party down. And fewer hours to decide just who they want to get down with. That’s not a problem for fans of Pattaya. Both because the new curfew appears to not be spreading beyond Bangkok’s borders and because said fans have already perfected the art of limiting their wallet’s exposure to the ruinous expenses of achieving an orgasm. From ordering up a boy through a mamasan without setting foot in the bar (thereby avoiding a $3 drink charge) to waiting until a bar closes to grab a boy desperate for a customer (thereby avoiding the off fee and ensuring the lucky boy will perform for a minimum tip) the cheap bastards who help make Thailand’s Sin City what it is know a thing or five about saving some bucks when out for a fuck.

Obviously, if you spend your time in Bangkok instead you understand the value of a dollar. Which is about getting value for the dollars you spend instead of trying to limit the number of them you expend. ‘Cuz when it comes to your orgasm it should be about quality and not a fear of quantity. But with the new curfew in effect, considering the financial aspect of your night on the town can help ensure yours is not a case of diminishing returns. And doing so while remaining a bar boy half naked kind of guy, will help keep your attitude a positive one. ‘Cuz otherwise you’re gonna start whining about the shortened hours of fun caused by the curfew and that’s the first step down the slippery slope that leads to being just another disgruntled sex tourist in Pattaya. So here are a few tips on keeping your head up while out on the prowl for the perfect guy to share a bit of head with:

Time Is Money.
Sure there is a lot to be said about the joy of spending hours in a gogo bar watching a steady progression of boys getting naked and doing those things naked boys tend to do. But from strictly a financial point of view, those are wasted hours, hours you spend getting wasted that do little to add to your evening’s bottom line. Which should be about lining up the bottom you’ll spend the night with. From an ROI viewpoint, less is more. The less time you spend sitting in a bar, the more time you’ll have sitting on some hot Thai guy’s face. So don’t think of the new curfew as a restriction on the hours you can spend spending your hard-earned cash on drinks for pushy mamasans and boys you won’t be offing, think of it as The Good General helping you to realize the greatest return on the money you’re investing into getting laid.

Learning to cope with the confines imposed by the curfew can mean getting even more value out of a short-time off.

Learning to cope with the confines imposed by the curfew can mean getting even more value out of a short-time off.

The Early Bird Gets The Worm.
Granted, showing up at a gogo bar when it first opens makes you come off as a bit desperate. But then since you’re planning on spending your evening in a gogo bar, you probably are anyway. Still, being pigeon-holed as one of those pathetic punters who timed his Viagra intake poorly or whose system shuts down by 9pm regardless is never a good thing. No problemo. The boys know there is a curfew going on and if you set the fake Rolex you just bought at the night market ahead by an hour or two you can pretend you timed your arrival at a socially acceptable hour.

The plus in arriving early is that there will be many more boys to choose from. Not the bar’s stars mind you. ‘Cuz they don’t make their appearance until later in the evening when the bar isn’t just filled with cheap bastards trying to get the most out of their short-time off. But even with hours still in front of them to land a good customer, the boys who do come to work early will be desperately trying to avoid being offed by one of the usual crop of cheap bastard pathetic punters, and since you’re new to the early crowd scene they won’t have you pegged as belonging to that group. Yet. Score!

And as an added bonus, the boy you off probably showered just before coming to work so you can skip that step back in your hotel room and get even more naked flesh time in than you’d otherwise manage to achieve.

Oh if only that were true.

Oh if only that were true.

Fresh Boys Closed Due To False Advertising.
Bars on Soi Twilight come and go, but few went as quickly as Fresh Boys. Which was a shame. Had they lived up to their promise. ‘Cuz nothing is finer than a bar boy who hasn’t already serviced a half-dozen of your fellow sex tourists before you managed to get to him. Especially if you’ve ever spent an early evening at Dick’s watching the crowd that usually tends to hit the bars as soon as they open.

Personally, while I’m not generally concerned with how much a night in heaven costs, I think bar boys who’ve already made their evening’s tip a few times over should be discounted as the night wears on. Kinda like day old bread. ‘Cuz even with frequent showering, they start smelling a bit stale. But now that The Good General has decreed that you have to cum to the party earlier, boys whose freshness is past their expiration date are no longer a problem. Unless your preferred bar is Classic Boys. You’d think a bar with a ginormous water tank in it would mean a stable of boys constantly recently bathed. Nyet. But the chlorine does add to the bar’s ambiance, and at least you know whatever tropical skin diseases the punter who came before you attempted to pass on have been killed off. But I digress . . .

Short-Time Is The Right Time For Me.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to compute that a short-time off started earlier in the evening means a longer time of getting your rocket blasted off. But it take the wiles of a Pattaya sexpat to put a beneficial twist to the bar boy’s short-time refrain of, “You come, I go.” And there’s a lesson there to be learned.

When you off a boy at your usual hour (around 1am) whether it’s for a short-time or long-time off it’s a one-off too. Assuming you didn’t off two or more guys at once. But when you off that guy at 8pm instead, by 10pm you’ll find that you have time on your hands. When you’d planned on having your hands on something entirely different. Even with The Good General’s curfew in place, that still leaves you a few hours to slip into something more comfortable. Like another boy. Granted, stacking two or more short-time offs into one night won’t do much for the health of your bank account, but viewed as an evening of time well spent, it will put a healthy smile of your face.

So many men, so little time . . .

So many men, so little time . . .

Happy Endings Come In All Sizes.
No one likes to be rushed. Especially when it comes to the blood rushing to your little head. But there is something to be said for appreciating the short-time you have to spend with the man of your dreams. You quickly learn to appreciate the little things. Like the taste of his nipples. Or how his cock makes that cute little bend toward the right as it gets hard. When you have plenty of time on your hands and your hands are spending their time on him, it seems the night will never end, all good things will come to he who waits, and there’s no reason to try to squeeze the most out of your nocturnal hours together. Thanks to The Good General’s curfew that’s no longer a luxury you can afford. Now you have to cram every scintilla of sexual enjoyment into a much tighter space. If you’re lucky.

But even as the hours you have to fulfill your every dream lessen, there’s still more to be had. Living large while the curfew is in effect may force a change of habits, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You’ll be less picky about the boy you choose since you have less time to spend choosing him. That means less time being indecisive while those who don’t suffer from the same infliction off every guy you were considering. And there’s even the chance that the boy you do off, no longer having the hours available to him to make his night’s wages off of multiple offs, will instead try to give you the happy ending you dreamed of in an attempt to get as big of a tip out of you as possible. Or at least some taxi money.

You too will be forced to make the most out of the boy you off; G.O.D. will no longer be an option for finding a suitable playmate when the one you bought earlier didn’t live up to your hopes and dreams. You may just find that the result is being happier with the guy and short-time you have since you no longer have the time to move on to the next one. And that’s all The Good General wants out of life. A happier Thailand, and a happier you.

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I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: The Importance Of Being Earnestly Gay

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy

≈ 2 Comments

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Gay Bangkok, Hotels and Restaurants

Earnestly Gay 1

Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, considers his body a temple. It’s one at which I worship often. Dave, who plays the role of my boyfriend back home, not so much. His is my choice of places to worship at on Sunday mornings, but he views his body more as something to abuse. Which I do the other six days of the week. Having both bodies at the same place at the same time means the best of both worlds. But it can make deciding which religion to practice at any given time difficult. And for that, I can empathize with Catholic priests.

Dave an I have traveled the world together, even if for most of those journeys only one of us was officially gay. With the internet still in its infancy, while it was more of a chore I always took care of the logistics of travel, booking airlines, hotels, transpo, and the like. Dave went with what he knew best and handled finding the hottest bars and seediest dives. It’s one of his main talents. New to any town, he can find the watering holes that will make a trip memorable. Provided you can still remember them the next morning.

When we hit Hong Kong the first time, he excelled at his task. That was largely due to his having grown up there. Not that I didn’t have any input on how and where we’d spend our nights. In a homage to its history, on the top of my to-do list was a visit to an opium den. And he made that happen. Kinda, sorta. He managed to get us eight-sixed out of a trendy nightclub. The bar’s manager, being no more thrilled with his establishment’s hi-so clientele than we were, decided to spend the rest of his night bar hopping with us. Although part of his decision to turn our road act into a trio was because he loved that we were from Hawaii. ‘Cuz he had plans on moving to the islands and opening a bar cum brothel. And assumed two boys from Aloha land who got kicked out of a bar that didn’t offer prostitution were probably in on the know of how to become a pimp running one in their home town that did.

Earnestly Gay 2

Vision of the grandeur of the flesh-trade aside, we explained that a bar fronting as a brothel was illegal in Hawaii. He nodded wisely, agreeing. And then asked again how you’d go about setting one up. We went back and forth trading rounds of can’t / can, never managing to convince him that it wasn’t simply a matter of knowing who to pay off. Tea money is a universal concept within Asia, but its not one that got carried over to the Hawaiian islands. But we all got pleasantly hammered while negotiating the finer points of his new business while hitting a succession of bars, each just a bit more seedy than the last. That opium den never materialized, but thanks to our new friend, the opium did. And we returned back to our hotel room to turn it into the opium den that I hadn’t quite envisioned. I’m not sure what we did the next night. Or maybe it was the night after that one.

It’s not surprising that on our first trip to Thailand, Dave led us to Patpong. Or that on our next visit he’d discovered the wonders of Soi Cowboy. Or that several trips after that he took me to my first gay gogo bar in Bangkok. As long as copious amounts of alcohol were involved, Dave has never cared much about a hang-out’s clientele. Or what in addition to alcohol it serves. Although now that he’s discovered he is gay, our visits to Soi Twilight have quickly become of much higher interest to him. Still, in our earlier visits we’d managed to hit trendy nightspots and less salubrious clubs that didn’t include naked male flesh on the drink menu, and I missed those days. And since I’d also missed visiting that opium den in Hong Kong I’d dreamed of, I thought it was time for a change.

“Where we go?”

As usual Noom wanted to know what my plans for the evening were. Not to voice his opinion, ‘cuz that was always up to me. Not that if my plans weren’t to his liking that it wouldn’t matter either. ‘Cuz pouting – as only a Thai can – was always an option totally up to him.

Earnestly Gay 3

Thanks to what he does for a living, Noom has pretty much heard and seen it all. At least he’d thought he had until the night I took him to Bangkok’s premier SM club, Bar Bar. It was like a person who strayed unknowingly into the showing of a pornographic film and would like to rinse himself of a new and unwanted awareness about human behavior. The few times since that I’ve suggested a bar or club he’s not familiar with he’s grilled me about the place first. And then is quiet on our way there, busy practicing his selection of pout faces just in case the need arises. So I punted.

“We go bar.”

It worked. He assumed I meant his bar. And that meant a night of communing with his friends, free from the duty of chaperoning his charges since the farang would be too preoccupied with the naked male flesh on stage to need watching. Dave wasn’t as pleased. He’d been enjoying the almost nightly parade of cock on Soi Twilight, but that was a new vice for him. His old vice of getting totally smashed demanded, at least, equal time. Soi Twilight has never heard of a mixologist. And premium brands of alcohol mean a top-label bottle refilled with a no-name brand liquor. Getting your rocks off is what Soi Twilight is all about. Getting a decent scotch served on the rocks, not so much.

So Dave decided since Noom wasn’t pouting, he should. Until he caught my look. The one that reminded him I’d told him he looks gay when he pouts. Still new to the homo-lifestyle, Dave hasn’t quite yet figured out that it’s okay to look gay when you are in fact gay. When he finally reaches that conclusion, I’ll have one less trick in my arsenal for manipulating him into doing anything and everything I want.

Earnestly Gay 4

So off we headed into the night on the BTS with Noom practicing a few pout faces just in case and Dave trying out his version of one that didn’t make him look too gay. When we passed Sala Daeng station, Noom upped his efforts realizing he’d been duped once again. Getting off at Surasak, he posed his earlier question again, hoping for a more informative reply. And then settled on the perfect expression of a Thai boy in agony when all he got from me was a curt answer of, “Walking.”

That changed when we arrived at the otherwise nondescript side of the Novotel Bangkok Fenix Silom Hotel to be greeted by the green neon billboard of Maggie Choo’s, slightly tacky looking but promising Thai-Chinese food nonetheless. One of Noom’s favorite pastimes is eating. And the thought of doing so always puts a smile on his face. The dour looking doorman promised something entirely different. So Dave was happy too. Past the joint’s dark wooden doors, you’re not greeted by much. But you notice the ambiance has definitely changed. And with no other choice offered, you quickly make your way down a steep wooden staircase into what looks like an old-school dai pai dong Cantonese noodle bar replete with patrons fishing dumplings into their mouths with chopsticks while perched on antique wooden stools that don’t look quite up to their task.

As restaurants go, Maggie Choo’s is tiny. Jade colored tiles adorn the walls and floor; paper parasols diffuse the light from above. And a caged, bright green iguana, center stage, is no more impressed with the day’s special – red curry roast duck with jasmine rice for 300 baht – than are the few other diners who opted for more traditional noodle dishes instead. Noom’s stomach began to rumble. Dave gave me a questioning look, knowing I generally hold any form of pasta in the same general degree of disdain I normally reserve for drag queens. Tonight he’s in for a big surprise.

Earnestly Gay 5

Ignoring the noises and looks my companions were making, I pushed them through a doorway blocked by curtains into what only can be described as a classic, but classy, oriental opium den decor, circa early 20th century. It’s very hedonistic. And literally underground. Oil paintings of sailing ships and busts of Queen Victoria compete for wall space with heavy steel doored brick bank vaults to fill the lush, cavernous club. At its center, the bar looks like an old-school casino cashier counter with the bartenders pushing drinks through its bars. And a pair of turbaned, shirtless hunks swing above it all. It’s several steps down in naughtiness from the pleasures of Soi Twilight, but the faux-speakeasy’s colonial era decor and button-tufted leather couches promise a degree of the decadence that helped to make Bangkok famous. And when Pangina Heals, Maggie Choo’s resident drag queen, takes the stage Dave forgot all about my dislike of pasta.

The story behind Maggie Choo’s – ‘cuz every good theme restaurant/club needs one – is that the concubines’ haven is run by its head-mistress, a cabaret owner named Maggie Choo who fled her hometown of Shanghai in 1931 following the Japanese invasion. Landing in Bangkok, she bought a tiny restaurant crammed into a basement ten meters below Silom Road that served authentic Thai-Chinese shophouse food. One day she discovered an entrance behind one of its walls that lead to a derelict 19th century East India company bank used for storing porcelain and spices that the British used to carry back to England for Queen V. Going with the life she knew, she converted the old bank into a cabaret, just like she used to run back in Shanghai.

In fact, Maggie Choo’s site was originally an underground East India Company Bank. The vaults that dot the walls are original, though now they serve as private rooms where you can perform those disgusting acts you can no longer get away with in public (that’d be smoking). Six nights of the week the club features fish on its swings and blues or jazz bands on its stage. But on Sundays it’s all about “The Importance of Being Earnest”, shirtless studs draped in red satin trousers and turbans, and a night of gay cabaret with Bangkok’s “wackiest drag queen”. Who at least is Asian.

Earnestly Gay 6

Rebranded from the Love Your Own Kind Night when it debuted last August, Maggie’s is slowly become the Sunday night hot spot for gay expats and tourists, as long as you don’t mind spending your evening with a few local hipsters and the occasional wide-eyed farang visitor who passed on a night in Patpong ‘cuz it sounded too risque. The magical underground cabaret full of mystery, romance, jazz, and reminiscent of Shanghai opium den in the 1930s is the brainchild of Sanya Souvanna Phouma, who used to organize the gay nights at Bed Supperclub. Every Sunday night from 9pm to 2am, mixing steamy exoticism with steaming noodles, the club takes on the air of a live version of Cabaret, except this time around, Liza Minnelli really is a drag queen.

Noom sat through the opening bit of the show patiently. But ladyboy acts are a part of his life. With the limited number of pu’u pu’us available on the club’s menu and his stomach still singing off-key, he suck out his hand for some cash and nodded back toward the curtained doorway where his dinner awaited. Meanwhile Dave split his attention between the drag queen on stage, giving me querulous looks at my choice of the night’s entertainment, and the club’s extensive menu of premium brands of alcohol. At 165 baht for a Singha, Maggie Choo’s isn’t quite as expensive as a drink at Soi Twilight’s bars, but then the acts on stage aren’t quite as male-flesh filled either. And you can’t order Johnnie Walker & Sons Odyssey on Soi Twilight either. (Okay, you can, but that’s not what will be poured into your glass.)

Unfortunately – ‘cuz I’m greedy and one of the guys was a total hunk – the boys at Maggie Choo’s aren’t offable either. The scent of prostitution is for ambiance only. But if you are looking for an alternative gay night out on the town where money boys don’t dominate the crowd, Sundays at Maggie Choo’s might be the answer. When we hit the club there was a smattering of farang touri, an obvious number of gay expats, and enough friendly local eye candy willing to be cruised that you might just manage to score a Thai guy without paying for it for a change. Of course if drag queens are your thing, you’ll probably be as happy as a hog in slop anyway.

Earnestly Gay 7

The club’s Pax Britannica decor mixed with a seedy far Eastern vibe is quickly gaining a loyal following, so reservations are a must; by 9pm it’s a first-come-first-seated basis, and there just ain’t that many seats available. On most nights it’s more of an intimate jazz or blues club, although it’s Facebook page announced a recurring “Freak Show Night” replete with midgets that looked like it could almost be as much fun as watching an Asian drag queen. Noom gave the noodle shop a hearty thumbs up (but then his sole requirement for sustenance is that it’s hot). And Dave enjoyed himself enough that he switched from Macallan’s to one of the club’s signature drinks, an HMS Leviathan (bourbon infused with honeycomb, honey syrup, sweet vermouth, and a twist of lemon). And I was just happy that I’d found a hot spot that could satisfy both of my boys. Even if it did mean sitting through a night of drag queen infused cabaret.

Earnestly Gay 8

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: He Lubs Me, He Lubs Me Not

02 Monday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy

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Loves Me Not 1

Timing, as they say, is everything. But try explaining that to a premature ejaculator. Sometimes, things come gushing out before the time is right. And then when the big moment comes, you’re already spent. Finished. Pau. Kaput. Like today’s tale for example. If I’d been paying better attention to the calendar I woulda figured out how to tie this one in to Groundhog Day. Not an easy task to accomplish. Other than to note there are some things better off left to dwell in the shadows. But then this post isn’t about Sunee Plaza, and instead I’ve got a salute to Valentine’s Day on my hands. And Cupid’s big day is still two weeks away. No problemo. It’s not exactly a Harlequin Romance anyway.

Not that those have ever been big on the Boy Meets Boy brand of story telling. A bodice being ripped off as part of the cover art never looks right when the exposed chest is flat. And hairy. But with two weeks to go, maybe I can convince Dave – who’s been busy learning what it means to be a gay man – that he needs to try drag. Dave as a ripe serving wench ready to be plucked might work. But then with my luck, he’d look good. And then I’d have to start hanging out at the ladyboy bars in Nana instead of on Soi Twilight.

Boy Meets Boy Meets Boy has never been done by Harlequin either. Romance novel wise, it’s uncharted territory. And even in the slightly more traditional Boy Meets Boy love story, by chapter four that Boy Loses Boy is pretty much a given. Throw in a third boy and you can be fairly certain things are not gonna end happily. But that’s a love story, that’s a fictitious tale. In reality, when Boy Meets Boy Meets Boy happens, things don’t start off happily either.

Loves Me Not 2

“I don’t think Noom likes me very much.”

“No, no, I’m sure he likes you. He’s still just getting to know you, that’s all.”

Dave and I have been friends for years. Decades in fact. All of which passed with us being buddies instead of lovers. Now that’s changed. What hasn’t is that even though we’re new to being a couple, we act like an old one. We don’t exactly finish each other’s sentences, but then words are seldom necessary. A familiar look is usually all it takes. And the one he’d just shot in my direction distinctly said: Dude, you are so full of bullshit.

“Okay, so maybe he’s not all that fond of you.”

“You know why?”

Huh. An invitation to list all of your boyfriend’s faults is always fraught with danger. At least it is when you are stupid enough to consider actually voicing those thoughts. My not-so-pregnant as much as six months overdue pause may have clued Dave in on where mine were busy dancing. Another significant look thrown in my direction put a stop to that rumba. And I punted.

“No honey, those pants don’t make your ass look fat at all!”

I didn’t even earn so much as a semblance of a smile for my witty effort. Dave was being serious. Which is not something he does often. When he does, it gets my dick hard. He looks so cute when his face composes itself into one of thoughtful contemplation. I considered reaching over to help get his dick to the same state of arousal as mine. ‘Cuz a look of thoughtful contemplation combined with an erect penis is just that much more cute. But that wasn’t the ending – happy or otherwise – he was going for.

Loves Me Not 3

“I’m the competition.”

Huh.

“And it’s all your fault.”

No matter how cute a guy looks, when he’s assigning a dish of blame to your table setting, erotic thoughts go straight out the window. My dick went back to doing what it does when it’s not hard, or getting hard: thinking about how much fun it would be to be hard. Which still allowed enough blood to flow to my other brain so I could participate in a conversation I didn’t really want to have.

“What did I do now?”

“I fell in love with a bar boy? Really? You know better. And now look where that’s gotten us.”

Having done so myself, that so many men fall in love with a bar boy in Thailand has never surprised me. The circumstances that places men in a position to fall head over heels in love with a complete stranger, one who they often times meet under commercial circumstances, vary greatly. The reason, is almost always the same. A hot, younger, exotic, and seemingly willing man who whispers sweet nothings in their ear that even their mother wouldn’t believe. But this is Bangkok, a world where fantasy reigns supreme. And in that world that the lust of your life could also be the love of your life makes perfect sense.

The problem arises when a farang mistakes Bangkok for an innocent world in which inarticulate people can tell one another adequately of either their pain or the yearnings of their heart. A world where they can momentarily be someone’s knight in shining armor, no longer just tilting at youthful windmills, accepted for all their faults and even, perhaps, loved despite them. They come to Thailand with the same sense of excitement and expectation generated in pigs when they get a downwind sniff of a trough brimming with swill. If they sufficed with the pleasure of a few nights of rutting, life would be good. Instead they convince themselves that theirs is not just some tawdry, temporary affair of the loins but a grand passion. Even a great love.

Loves Me Not 4

The result is the often posted threnody that appears on the gay Thailand message boards with monotonous frequency. A tale of love lost, heart mangled, emotions trod upon until they are a bloody pile of refuse smeared across the floorboards. It’s the sustenance of the disgruntled, the air the disenfranchised sexpat who swears no bar boy should ever be trusted, that every moneyboy’s sole goal is to empty your bank account, breathes. Because that’s what the inculcation of a false romance does to you. It’s a self-induced siren’s song whose jarring notes are seldom heeded until too late. And then those small notes of discord are lovingly gathered and embraced, a symphony of proof of some Thai boy’s lies, untrustworthiness, and greed. ‘Cuz that’s all the farang has left of his relationship. Whether it was weeks, months, or years of happy endings, that relationship often ends unhappily. Because one person’s love alone is never enough to sustain a relationship. Especially when even that love was never anything more than a hymn to a false god.

It’s funny how people never really see each other. They invent each other in their minds. And then see what they’ve invented. It’s an image born of needs, often one-sided and inevitably unrealistic. But their boy, of course, is always different. The farang tells himself: No, no, He does care. And then to keep that fantasy alive the farang start attempting to remake that boy in the image of his own dreams.

The relationship begins its predestined downward spiral. And even though he knows it’s a house of cards built on lies, he keeps the faith anyway so he can stand to live with the way he’s being used. Looking smack dab at the snake-cold indifference the boy shows so openly in his eyes, he thinks: No, he does care, really. I know it. That’s just his way. And instead of facing what that boy has become – a cheat, a traitor, a user, a broken dream – he will instead believe that boy is striving to escape his circumstances, to get away from his upbringing. With him. To be with him in some future time. Some future relationship. Where there will be no more loneliness, no more abuse.

Loves Me Not 5

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that requires no crystal ball. The record is rife with the shattered debris of those relationships. Farang Meets Boy, falls in lust, calls that love, and then begins emptying his bank account in pursuit of his dream. ‘Cuz everyone knows it’s money that buys happiness. Harlequin ignores that standard tale too. Not because it’s a gay storyline. But because even with fiction the plot still has to be believable. And if you haven’t been to Thailand, haven’t meet a sweet Thai guy,his eyes brimming with love and desire, haven’t ignored that the gleam in his eyes was merely a reflection of the needs of your own soul, that story is as believable as a Bush dynasty extending into a third course.

Years ago I started posting these I Fell In Love With a Bar Boy tales on SGT, which in those days was a thriving community of sexpats, sex tourists, and occasional visitors to Thailand’s shores. Regardless of the subject of a thread, sooner or later some, or several, or a bunch of sexpats would chime in with their oft repeated warnings against falling in love with a Thai. They took great delight in heaping ridicule and predictions of doom and gloom on any stupid farang ignorant enough to trust a bar boy. Or ridiculously claiming he was in love. Or that he now had a boyfriend in Thailand.

Newbies to Thailand’s bar world often turn to the internet for useful, knowledgeable, advice. Instead, many find the message boards. Forewarned is good. Hearing only one side of the story, not so much. So a big part of sharing my tales of Noom was in opposition to the preponderance of bad bar boy stories. The ‘I Fell In Love’ part of was meant as tongue-in-cheek. Because I’d been taught better than to be so unmindful of my own well-being. And I had not fallen in love with Noom. I just enjoyed our times together. Immensely. And thought sharing that relationship might show there was a different possibility, an alternate path, another option that didn’t end in misery. That even in Thailand you can in fact have your cake and eat it too.

Now, years later, looking back at those initial times I realize that I did fall in love with Noom. Possibly at first sight. Although to be totally honest I still don’t think it was love. Affection, for sure. Love, not so much. If anything, my initial feelings about him were of admiration. Which hasn’t changed. As for love at first sight, I’m not enough of a romantic to believe in that fairy tale. Or possibly it’s that I am too much of a romantic to fall for that one.

Noom, however, knew better.

Loves Me Not 6

Years younger, with the flush of youth still glowing seductively across his skin, you’d think what I would remember most about those first few days we spent together would be his gorgeous body. And the things I did to it. But instead, it’s his eyes. No, not so much his eyes; the expression in his eyes. The childlike softness in his eyes. The boy sitting behind them and laughing with the world in delight. There was a certain ingenuousness about the way he looked at me. An uncorrupted sincerity, honesty,integrity. It was a look you could rely on. It was a look I wanted to rely on.

But I’d been properly schooled on the message boards and compartmentalized any messy emotions of love deep in some unreachable corner of my soul where they belonged. Locked away to rot in their own miasma of the road not taken. I embarked on a fling instead. One that kept lasting year after year after year. Gradually, that ‘I Fell In Love’ part of the equation became less and less tongue-in-cheek. Not that I wasn’t still on guard. There were tests. Many of them. Spread out across those years.

But evidently I passed each one of those.

That’s the part the Bar Boy Done Me Wrong crowd seldom mentions. There are as many Thai guys who have been burned as there are farang. It’s not one-sided. They are often as guilty of failing to realize that what they see in our eyes is only a reflection of their own needs too. Bar boys don’t have an internet message board to turn to. They don’t need one. Gossip on the soi is much more immediate. And Bad Farang stories abound. When I met Noom he was not a newbie to the soi. He’d heard those stories, had even experienced one himself. So which of us was more wary of the other is still debatable.

Loves Me Not 7

Noom likes to remind me that before I met him I was a butterfly. That now I am no more. And that he knew that was the way it was going to be from the first night we met. He also likes to reminisce about how our meeting was part of a set of circumstances that turned his life around. That made him happy. Note that I don’t get full credit, only a minor acknowledgement based more on presence than on intent, value, or worth. Which I’m completely cool with. I have too many of my own needs to ever be the total answer to someone else’s. It was years before either of us used the ‘L’ word. But by then, it was evident. Both of us had passed the tests the other threw out, together we’d managed to avoid the pitfalls that so often crop up between a Thai and a farang, we’d moved past the roadblocks of cultural differences, financial inequality, differing needs, and distance. Begrudgingly, out of concern and the need for self-preservation, we allowed our relationship to grow.

Between us there was trust. Respect. And yes, even love. Life was good. We were good. Boy Met Boy, Boy Got Boy, and both boys were destined to live happily ever after. Even if thousands of miles apart. Then: Enter Dave.

Dave was not the first boyfriend I hauled along to Thailand. In fact, it was becoming an annual event. Phil was last year’s model. Phil was a good guy. Is a good guy. And he’s hot. Noom liked Phil. Not at first. It took about five minutes. But they quickly became friends. And still are. Both looked at meeting each other with some trepidation, both concerned that jealousy would ensue. Noom looked into Phil’s eyes, proclaimed Phil was gay (as he is wont to do) and then immediately embraced him as part of the family. There was no rivalry in Noom’s opinion, there was no concern that what Phil and I shared would have any impact what Noom and I shared. Sometimes that little bastard’s worldly wisdom just blows me away.

With meeting Dave, not so much.

Loves Me Not 8

The two had met once before. And had slowly warmed up to each other’s existence. But that was before. That was back when Dave was just a good buddy whom I lusted after. Back then, the night they met, Noom too had done his eye stare thingy and proclaimed Dave gay (as he is wont to). It just took several years longer for Dave to reach the same conclusion. With the change in relationship status – and sexuality status – I looked at the two meeting again with some concern. As did they. That night, Noom didn’t even take the time to look into Dave’s eyes to read his entire soul. He just edged his chair closer to mine, got busy attending to my every need, and made it abundantly clear to anyone and everyone who may have cared that the third wheel in our triangle was – clearly – Dave.

Boy Met Other Boy. And wasn’t pleased. Neither was Other Boy. Who seemed to think it was all my fault. Noom, on the other hand wasn’t interested in assigning blame. He was too busy protecting what was his. The two didn’t hit it off so much as they immediately begin attempting to score points off of each other. Which was amusing. Okay, so a better man would not have enjoyed the emotional discomfort of those he loves quite as much as I did. But then the better man moniker has never been one I’ve ever claimed. Besides, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, Dave looks cute when he’s pouting too. And that look too gets my dick hard.

So the days passed, the two eventually called an uneasy but ever-vigilant truce and tried to get along. And Dave eventually found a moment away from Noom to voice his concern. And demand I do something about it. As if. He really should know me better by now. I’m no one’s knight in shining armor. And if you are foolish enough to have me drop to a knee to be knighted, your best bet would be to put that sword to it’s originally intended purpose. I don’t know if honestly is always the best policy, but it is a convenient excuse to stick with your faults.

Loves Me Not 9

Noom on the other hand has never had a problem in identifying my faults. When you live in a world based on fantasy, reality is the only thing that keeps your head above the water. He has dreams too, but they are in black and white. He knows that I love Thailand, but not enough to ever live there. He realizes that while the dream of moving to America is a heady one, he wouldn’t be happy living anywhere other than in his home country. He knows I will always be there to help him, but that he has too much pride in himself for my help to ever be anything more than the occasional leg up. Just like I know that I love him, for everything he is, and everything he’s not, but not enough to sustain that love throughout a full-time relationship. I did fall in love with a bar boy, but the mercurial nature of our relationship is part of what makes it work. Ours is not a grand passion. It’s a warm friendship in which both equally provide for the other’s needs. Out of love. Without any attempt at changing the other into someone he’s not. Because we both love and respect each other for who he is.

And yes, timing is everything. Dave should have waited another day before addressing his concerns. ‘Cuz Noom – my bar boy friend and current love of my life – did it better.

“I tink Dave lub you.”

“I hope so.”

“I tink you lub Dave.”

“Yeah, I tink you’re right.”

“I tink maybe you lub him more.”

“More than he loves me?”

“No. More dan me.”

“Noom, how I feel about Dave,” was as far as I got before his hand pressed against my lips.

“It okay. He good for you.”

“Yeah.”

“I tink now I lub Dave too.”

Off With His . . .

23 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

off with 1

In the world of Thailand’s gay gogo bars, offing a bar boy means that you are taking him away from the bar. What the two for you then do together is not of the bar’s concern, as obvious as what you will be doing may be. That’s how gogo bars avoid the issue of prostitution. It’s really no different than how escort agencies get away with the same trick back in the U.S. It’s about companionship between two adults, not sex. Wink, wink. Since there have been quite a few questions about the process and fees involved recently, and since that tradition still impacts the process today, I thought a brief explanation of the historical basis of offing a bar boy might be in order. But I’m going with a not-so-brief one instead.

Before there where gogo bars in Bangkok for gay clientele, there were gogo bars for the hetro set. Fish for sale has been a staple for visitors to the Kingdom for decades. The modern version got its start during the Vietnam War when Thailand was a popular spot for military service personnel on R & R. In those days, like today, the bars made money off of selling overpriced drinks and for surrounding customers with hot naked flesh. And made even more cash from supplying willing companions to those who wanted a fuller experience.

Working for a Thai employer is a bitch. They don’t pay well. And employees are completely at their mercy. Being the cheap ass most of them are, anytime they can get away with not paying a satang to an employee is a good day in their book. So the bars quickly developed a set of rules that kept employees in line and helped keep their bottom line in the black. The rules, which did and still do change from one bar to the next, are all backed up with monetary fines. Show up late, you get fined. Don’t show up at all, that’s another fine. Some of the straight bars today have even begun fining their stable when a girl gets a short-time off and then does not return to the bar when she’s done. Even outside of the bar world fining employees is a popular pastime among Thai employers. And because it is part of how business is done in Thailand, employees go along with the system that deducts wages from their check as often as possible.

off with 2

It’s always best for a gogo bar to have a large stable of employees on hand whenever a customer walks through the door. Sometimes I wish they cared more about quality over quantity, but there ya go. But when a gogo bar worker lands a customer, that means one less employee to entertain the clientele. So the bars decided that employee should be fined. What we typically call an off fee in the bars that gay men frequent is called a bar-fine in the gogo bars that cater to the straight crowd. They are the same thing. Whatever the amount set by the bar for this fine is, it is owed to the bar by the employee.

Of course gogo bar employees are poor, and customers are rich whether that’s true back in his home country or not. Traditionally, customers have been expected to pay the bar fine on the employee’s behalf. And that’s cool with the bar. They don’t care whose pocket the money comes from. They are still gonna make a profit out of it. Plus most bars pay a very small wage to each employee for showing up to work – but if that employee lands a customer, they don’t get their normal night’s wage. Because it is assumed they will earn even more from the tip they get off their customer. That’s another fine that isn’t even considered a fine. This tradition is slowly changing but is still practiced at many bars. I only mention it here to demonstrate how much bar owners love their cash. In case you never noticed.

So the off fee, or bar fine, is owed for a bar boy who spends time away from his place of work during regular working hours. If he leaves the bar three times in a night, going for short-time offs with three different customers, he owes the bar three bar fines. All of which will be paid by the customers who decided to off him. Which is both about tradition and deep pockets. If a customer decides to off him for more than one night, the bar boy is fined for each night he is away from work. And unless you are a total asshole, as the customer you will pay that fine on his behalf. Not that you have much choice these days ‘cuz that fine is usually added to your check bin.

off with 3

The only time I have ever argued over the amount of a bar fine I was asked to pay was a night after having offed a guy the night before and after having paid for that night’s off fee. The next night we went back to his bar around 9pm so I could pay an additional bar fine because I decided to keep him with me for another night. The bar wanted their usual off fee, plus another 100 baht, which was what their fine was for employees who showed up late for work (he was supposed to be there by 8pm). Both the boy and the bar thought that made perfect sense. And in the world of Bangkok’s gogo bars, it did.

My wallet disagreed. And actually won that one. Which still amazes me today. I paid the bar fine, but not the fine for being tardy. I claimed that he wasn’t late for work that night but rather was early for the next night. Meeting bullshit with bullshit of your own works well when face is involved. Plastering a stupid smile on your face and insistently repeating your same dubious claim of truth over and over again no matter what the other person says is the proper way to debate any issue in Thailand. The loser is he who blinks first.

So if you are confused about when and how much you owe on off fees, thinking of them as bar fines levied against the employee for not being at work should clarify the matter. For every night your boy is not at work – or is late getting there thanks to you, I guess – a bar fine is charged. Which you are supposed to pay. Thinking of them in this manner may also help explain why you should not expect a discount on the bar fines when you off a guy for an extended period of time. It’s like the fine you pay for speeding back home. You don’t get a discount for getting multiple speeding tickets. Fines are seldom treated like frequent flyer miles.

Facing The Realities Of Farang Face

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 10 Comments

Face is a difficult concept for farang to understand. But then they spend their lives living in a fantasy world anyway.

Face is a difficult concept for farang to understand. But then they spend their lives living in a fantasy world anyway.

Face, an important but difficult to define cultural concept, holds great sway in many Asian countries. In Thailand, it is as important as the air you breathe. It’s about your reputation, your image, your honor, and the esteem you are held in by others. But more. It is at work 24/7 whether you realize it or not, and greatly impacts your relationship with a bar boy be that a 15 minute one or one that has been going on for several years. Farang who care about what their boy du jour thinks of them, and those who like to treat their offs with respect, consider the guy’s face in how they conduct themselves. Those that don’t lose face without ever realizing it.

The importance of face to a bar boy, and the cultural oddities that stem from that concept, are a popular subject on the gay Thailand message boards with numerous pundits weighing in on what is important to the working guys and how best to not dis them. But face is important to Thailand’s visitors too. It’s just different than that for locals. A successful relationship is incumbent on the actions of both parties involved, and the face a farang gains or loses greatly impacts the face of the Thai he is with. Yet the idea of farang face seldom gets aired. That may have a lot to do with how little respect many farang are deserving of in the first place; countless punters throw theirs away within the first few minutes of hooking up with a new guy. And then wonder why they get burned, land a dud, or get taken for a ride so often. Face, like respect, is something you earn. Like your reputation, it is something you should protect. And not being Thai, from the bar boys’ viewpoint, you are already starting off at a disadvantage.

Farang face too is much about how others view you. And how your boy du jour treats you. What he expects of you, and how he conducts himself in your company impacts your face greatly. And Thais know the greater face their customer – ooops, I mean boyfriend – has, the greater face they themselves gain. With that in mind I offer the following tips for Thailand’s bar boys on how to best protect your Farang’s face. Because he will be clueless to that need:

Farang accuse bar boys of being two-faced because they don't understand how important both of those faces are.

Farang accuse bar boys of being two-faced because they don’t understand how important both of those faces are.

1. Time Is Relative.
Farang don’t quite get that time – just like most rules in Thailand – is best ignored.. They mistakenly believe 8:00 pm means 8:00 pm and not the 10:00-ish it really denotes. Nothing will frustrate your farang more than you constantly being ‘late’ for an occasion. When everyone knows the party really doesn’t begin until you make your appearance anyway. Your inability to live your life in accordance with the dictates of the fake Rolex he wears on his wrist will cause him to lose great face among his fellow farang who are equally obsessed with the hands on a clock even though they have nothing to do with their time. Of course actually changing your own perception of time would be silly. So instead wait for him to fall asleep and set his watch back by a half hour or so. Problem solved. Face disaster avoided.

2. Impressively Yucky.
Farangs live to impress and think their financial status actually has something to do with face. Why they continue to try to impress bar boys with their spending habits when all they accomplish is to give proof to that old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted is difficult to understand. But then if the fool didn’t part with his money as often as he does, your family would lose its major source of income. So suck it up. Just pray you don’t have to on an empty stomach ‘cuz your farang will love to impress you by taking you to American chain restaurants where the meals costs about the same as what you spend in an entire week on food. Pizza Hut is the worst. The fact farang think of cheese as impressive – or edible – is both bewildering and the burden you must face when dealing with farang.

Farang don’t understand that if it doesn’t have at least five red chilies, it’s not real food. They also don’t get that most Thais are lactose-intolerant and the idea of eating something smothered in what is really nothing more than curdled milk is disgusting. Why farang can’t learn to eat grasshoppers like the rest of the world is a puzzle. But no problem. Smile, make sure whatever pizza he orders has lots of pineapple on it, and then when it comes to the table douse it with heaping spoonfuls of crushed red chilies. And don’t worry about your farang noticing what you had to do to make your meal palatable, he’ll be too busy being pissed off at how late your waiter was in delivering his food to the table.

Fortunately when dining with your farang he'll be so busy stuffing his he'll never notice what his choice in restaurant does to the expression on your face.

Fortunately when dining with your farang he’ll be so busy stuffing his he’ll never notice what his choice in restaurant does to the expression on your face.

3. A Whiter Shade Of Pale.
Your farang will gain great face by showing you off to his fellow sexpats as though you were some great find. Little does he know that you have already spent quality time with everyone he knows or is likely to meet. Been there, done them. Regardless, looking your best is important to him and for some unfathomable reason farang think the darker you are the more handsome you are instead of knowing that dark skin means you are a peasant who spends all of his time in the fields doing manual labor. Unfortunately this means at some point he will realize all of the skin whitening creams and lotions he’s been paying for are counterproductive to his ideal of beauty.

Fortunately farang think Thais are some exotic species and their bodies operate differently than the rest of humanity. This can work to your favor. Tell him sperm on your skin turns it white. If you are lucky his face will mean more to him than his orgasm does and he’ll take to having a wank in the toilet instead of forcing you to witness – and participate in – those disgusting acts he insists on. If the Buddha is looking kindly upon you, you may also get away with blaming eating cheese for this problem and can kill two birds with one stone.

4. The Gift That Keeps Giving.
At some point in your relationship someone will tell your farang that all the bling that he’s been buying you is really just a ready source of cash; that as soon as you can you return it to the closest gold shop for what you really wanted: baht. Farang hate to be taken for a fool. Yours will quickly stop buying you gold bling as proof of your love for him, thinking he is saving face by doing so. Fortunately farang don’t realize you have the same deal with just about every vendor and store in town. Tell him instead how hot your loom is and that you need an air-conditioner – or that you need a refrigerator to keep your cheese in – and that wallet will appear quicker than an underage boy in Sunee Plaza. Sure it’ll cost you a few extra bucks to get a large appliance back to your favorite retailer, but you can always tell your farang you need 500 baht for taxi money, and that’ll cover that expense.

If farang were more concerned with face they'd pay more attention to how they present the rest of their body.

If farang were more concerned with face they’d pay more attention to how they present the rest of their body.

5. You Lie Him, You Really Lie Him.
Savvy farang quickly learn that you are telling him a little white lie when you say you lie him or that he is a hansum man. Assuming ‘little white lie’ is Thai for a fib the size of a sexpat’s prodigiously ballooning stomach. Not that he’ll ever stop you from saying so. Or will tire of hearing you say it either. Because fantasy and face have nothing to do with each other. But telling him those things in front of his fellow sexpats is a different story. They can barely stand to be in his presence themselves and your obvious lies will cause him to lose face. It’s just a shame that face isn’t the one attached to the front of his head. On the other hand farang gain much face for knowing how to speak Thai, so they all learn the same cute phrases. That no self-respecting Thai ever actually uses. Jai Dee is a good example and the perfect compliment to pay to your farang in front of his fellow sexpats. He’ll think you are saying he has a good heart. The other bar boys within earshot will know you are marking him as a fool who will dig out his wallet at the drop of a hat.

6. Hello Mudder – Hello Fadder.
Inviting your farang to meet your family will give him major face among his peers. It shows that you really lie him. If you are lucky, you are an orphan and can rent some old people from your village to play the role of your mama and papa. If you are less fortunate, you’ll actually have to introduce mama and papa to their meal ticket. But this is a form of merit making; they will give you major kudos and tons of sympathy when they actually see how disgusting your ‘boyfriend’ really is. Besides, your parents and your farang are probably around the same age and may find something in common.

Having been brought up well, your farang will want to waste his baht on purchasing small gifts for your mama and papa even though everyone knows nothing says respect like cold hard baht. But he will not have a clue as to what is an appropriate gift when meeting your relatives (uh, hello? Baht!). But he will believe that you papa will enjoy a bottle of Johnnie Walker (which you can then take back to your bar and exchange it for cash) and your mama will love a basket of fruit (even though she no longer has enough teeth to make headway on an apple). After he has purchased his gifts, volunteer to wrap them for him. You can save yourself from what would have been an embarrassing moment by using the baht in his wallet or hotel room safe as gift-wrapping. Then when he hands them over it really will be a Kodak moment. Everyone say cheese!

Unfortunately, this is what most farang think gaining face means.

Unfortunately, this is what most farang think gaining face means.

7. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Solly.
That the countries of the world your farang is likely to come from are its superpowers just goes to show you that there really is evil in the world. Collectively, they may dominate the planet, but individually they are a useless and ignorant lot who don’t understand how the world really works. Their misconceptions about what is and isn’t polite is a good example. Unfortunately that means they will insist on your using the same courtesies they use.

Your farang, for example, will feel he has lost face if you do not thank him for every little thing he buys for you. Yes, you know better; you’ve been taught that thanking someone for a gift lessens the face and merit they would have gained from the act, but then farang are barely worthy of merit anyway. So get used to saying thank you because a well-trained farang will give you many opportunities for expressing your appreciation. And once he is used to your saying thanks a million times a day, even as ignorant as he is he will figure out something is amiss when you fail to extend that courtesy. For example, not saying thank you when it takes him an entire 8 minutes to achieve his orgasm will clue him in that he needs to speed things up. Or ignoring the opportunity for saying thank you when he just bought you a new cellphone will let him know that nothing but the latest model of an iPhone is acceptable in your world. Using thank you wisely can work to your advantage. And then you can go give thanks to the person who really deserves that honor: The Buddha.

8. Farang Don’t Know Maths.
It is a paradox that as much face as Farangs think they get from their financial status and the things they own and buy, when it comes time to actually get their wallet out face is all about how cheaply they can make a purchase for. Obviously your farang – and you – would gain more face by him buying you a new cellphone for $400, but he will think getting it for $350 does more for his rep. This isn’t a problem for you since all your friends know farang overpay for everything anyway and will assume he dropped $500 on your phone. But your farang will want to haggle over the price at your favorite cellphone shop and they all think the best way of bargaining is by yelling. Which costs you the face you would have gained by your farang buying you the most expensive phone in the store in the first place.

So offer to bargain for him. He will think that because you are Thai you will be able to negotiate the best price. Not being able to understand a word of Thai beyond the few cute phrases he’s learned, he won’t be able to follow your conversation and you can use this time to negotiate how big of a cut you will get from the vendor for making the sale. Your farang will gain major face for getting that phone for $50 less, and you’ll get $75 for convincing him he is getting a real deal by spending $150 more than what the phone should have cost. And that’s a lot of face at a very small price.

This is the face of your farang.

This is the face of your farang.

9. Money Well Spent.
Farang hate being treated like a walking ATM. Which is stupid because everyone knows neither farang nor ATMs actually walk. Your farang will have convinced himself that the reason you like spending time with him has nothing to do with money. In fact he will come up with as many reasons as there are baht in his bank account. Lucky you. Even though it should be evident that him spending money on you is what it is all about, nothing makes a farang think he has just gained major face like you spending money on him. Like that would ever really happen.

Nonetheless, that it takes money to make money is true even in Thailand. And spending a bit of his to make a bit more of yours is a good way to allow him to believe you don’t really think of him as an ATM. Fortunately, part of his fantasy is that you have no money. So it doesn’t take much. For example, when the two for you stop at 7/11 to buy water, dig out some baht to pay for the purchase before he can get his wallet out. This simple act will bring tears to his eyes ‘cuz he’ll know it means you really lie him. And he will ignore that the baht you are using came from him in the first place.

Then, while he is trying to get himself under control, suddenly remember all of the things that you need – like a full compliment of skin whitening lotions and salves – and fill the counter with your goodies. Your farang, fresh from experiencing your largesse, will pay for your additional stuff. Of course. Just don’t forget to say thank you. It’ll make him tear up all over again. Just in case there was something you forgot to add to your first round of purchases. And if you are really lucky you’ll stop at a local mom and pop store instead of at 7/11 and you can double down by offering to bargain for your farang.

Sometimes you have to resort to trickery to help your farang maintain his face.

Sometimes you have to resort to trickery to help your farang maintain his face.

10. Um, About Your Face . . .
It’s a shame farang haven’t a clue about face or they would take a few simple steps to protect theirs. Like washing it occasionally. Thais know that being neat, clean, and dressed well – or at least appropriately – is all about face. Farang think that being the superior creatures that they are, they can get away with inflicting their poor grooming habits and weird sense of fashion on others. Unfortunately since your farang insists on hanging on you in public there is no way you can pretend that you do not know him and his lack of hygiene will negatively impact your face among those who count: Thais.

If your farang didn’t spend his every waking minute thinking about all the sex he can buy, he might spend a few minutes a day going one on one with some soap and water. It will do you little good to complain about his lack of showering, he has enjoyed his twice-a-week bath since he was a baby. But he’ll quickly rise to the occasion (meaning about half an hour after he swallows a little blue pill) if you offer to shower with him. He’ll be all hands; you can use yours to lather up those places that are hard to reach for him. Like just about any spot on his body. These are the sacrifices you make for face.

There is not much you can do about the too tight shirts he wears, the pants that needed to meet a washing machine weeks ago, or his fondness for wearing black socks with sandals. But you can avoid being seen in public with him by offering him sex early in the evening. Your farang, like most elderly of his species, will fall asleep as soon as he’s come and then you can spend the evening doing what you really wanted to do (and were doing while he was busy sexing himself) anyway: watching TV.

Farang mistakenly think face is about how they view themselves and not about how others view them.

Farang mistakenly think face is about how they view themselves and not about how others view them.

As for those odd quirks of his, you’ll just have to suck it up and hope no one Thai notices. You may assume he is a drug-addicted psycho just cause he bites his nails, But his mom bites hers too. So it’s a learned habit you will not be able to break. That he cuts his gross toe nails at the beach is equally appalling, but those clippings can be saved and given to your local mor phee when your farang begins balking at replacing yet another cellphone. As for his belching, farting, and the constant scratching he does in public, well if he had face he wouldn’t and since he doesn’t he does. But that may draw attention away from his ugly mug and that’s the face that causes you the most problems anyway.

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Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

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