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10 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bangkok Gay Go Go Bar

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

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Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

The gay kinda news website Queerty recently ran an article titled 13 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bar From A Castro Bartender. I almost skipped reading it because picking up someone in the Castro really doesn’t require stepping into a bar. When the street is full of gay guys on the prowl, you get hit on even while trying to scrape off the dog shit you just stepped in from your shoe. And when the odor of Eau De Fido isn’t enough to not get you laid, whatever fails some pretentious bar back wants to warn you about really don’t matter. On the other hand, not having to come up with original content is always a plus in my book, so I thought I’d re-purpose those tips with an eye towards modifying them for use in picking up a bar boy in Thailand. Or offing one as some jaded souls call it.

I thought that task may take some heavy editing. Surprisingly it did not. The world is a small place. And the line between getting laid for free and paying for it is a thin one. When it’s your orgasm at stake, convincing some hottie that your bed is the perfect place for him to throw his heels in the air takes about the same amount of effort regardless if he’ll be earning some taxi money or not. And thankfully, guys being guys, it seldom takes much effort in either case.

Nonetheless, many poor souls in the Castro return to an empty bed nightly, and many punters in Bangkok return to their bed with a bar boy they’d rather they hadn’t. Which guy you off is up to you, but having it be the one you really wanted is up to your skills at landing the perfect bar boy. So here are a few tips:

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you'll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you’ll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

1. The Meat and Greet.
Queerty’s bartender’s first bit of sage advice was to stop using your trusty pickup lines, noting that most fail as conversation starters and instead linger like bad gas. No problemo in picking up a bar boy ‘cuz he probably already thinks you smell a bit off. Pick-up lines, as such, are not necessary in landing the perfect bar boy. Slapping down your wallet bulging with cash on the table top, however, works wonders.

The boys have a traditional pick-up line of their own, however. Their what your name where you stay how long you stay Bangkok greeting gets the job done every time. Using it before they do, if you really feel the need to use a pick-up line, is a great ploy. Those who speak some English will laugh. Those who merely learned that phrase and really have no idea what it means will get a look of pure panic in their eyes. And there’s a good chance which ever of the two responses your potential off displays, it’ll be the same when he accompanies you to your hotel room and you drop your pants.

2. Let Your Demons Rest.
The second bit of advice from Queerty’s bartender is a warning against a liquid diet. By the time you drink enough to get up the nerve to hit on some hottie, you’ll be too drunk to be a success. ‘Cuz no one like a man who looks like he’s ready to hurl in the gutter. As well intended as that advice is, I think he got it wrong. If you are a 10, no matter how drunk you are there are still plenty of guys who will be willing to take you home with them. The warning should be that when you wake up in their bed the next morning you’ll have one mother of a hangover. And you’ll discover you just slept with a 3.

Ditto for the bar boy you pick up when you are too inebriated to remember you hate effeminate twinks. ‘Cuz that’s who you’ll wake up next to the next morning. And it’ll be the one who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps. Plus, when you go to tip him so he’ll leave you’ll discover your wallet is almost empty ‘cuz you ended up buying the bar’s mamasan a bottle. And a new cell phone.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

3. Sex By Proxy Is Never Enjoyable.
Queerty’s bartender says that if you want to hit on a guy, don’t send one of your buddies over to break the ice first. What he doesn’t say is what we all know: that bitch will end up taking your intended conquest home with himself if you do. ‘Cuz a gay wingman is always gonna pretend your plane already got shot out of the air if the guy is hot enough.

Playing Go Ask Him If He Likes Me is an even bigger mistake in a Bangkok gogo bar. First, because if he is hot enough just like in a Castro bar your wingman will off the boy first. Second, if he doesn’t the boy will assume he’s gonna be expected to do you both. And third, since most punters fly solo at gogo bars, your wingman for the night will be the bar’s mamasan and the only available boy will be the one who shares his tips with her. Which will be the twink who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps.

4. Reach Out And Touch Someone.
Our bartender in the know says one of the deadly sins in trying to pick up a trick in a gay bar is to have your eyes glued to your cell phone. Which just shows you how out of touch the dude is. ‘Cuz any gay guy worth is salt has his eyes permanently glued to his cell phone these days ‘cuz otherwise he might miss that hottie Grindr says is just down the block.

Bangkok’s bar boys are addicted to their phones these days too. Even if in their case it’s more about watching straight porn so they can get up for their job’s demands. And they won’t be the least bit put-off if you’re paying attention to your phone rather than to them. In fact, they prefer it. The danger here is not that you’ll fail to connect, but that every boy you show the least bit of interest in will immediately ask for your phone number. Then, whenever they need a few extra hundred baht, they’ll call you to remind you how much they love you.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he'll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he'll use it for a lifetime.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he’ll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he’ll use it for a lifetime.

5. Leave Your Baggage On The Plane.
No one in a bar in the Castro wants to hear about your problems, your failures, your worries, or your entire failed dating history. And bringing up your ex just means the guy you are trying to hit on will never become one. Bar boys don’t want to hear that shit either. No one does. Not even your mother. And the bar boy you want to off certainly doesn’t want to hear about the disastrous off you paid for the night before. Not because that’s gossip. Bar boys love gossip. He doesn’t want to hear your tale of woe ‘cuz he – and every other bar boy on the soi – already heard about it. And you don’t want to remind him of why your performance was so memorable.

6. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re A Cheapskate.
Obviously, our Castro bartended has never been to Pattaya. ‘Cuz his #6 tip is about how hot tipping is. Specifically: “People that visibly tip get more play. It shows they are generous and care enough to pay for service.” Word. You probably think a night with a bar boy is all about sex. To him it’s all about money. So tip generously and tip often. That shows you’re jai dee. And bar boys love customers who have a big heart. ‘Cuz they are the ones good for a few thousand baht later when emailed with the tragic news of the boy’s water buffalo having just died.

7. Gay For Pay Is An Honored Profession In Thailand.
The #7 bartender’s tip is to not ask potential tricks if he is single, and why. Ditto with bar boys in Bangkok. ‘Cuz most have a wife as well as several kids back home. And that’s TMI when your fantasy is about him falling madly in love with you. A similar mistake is asking him if he is gay. He is probably not. But will tell you he is ‘cuz he knows that’s what you want to hear. The problem is that bar boys tend to think gay means bottom. And when your dream was to be ridden hard and put away wet, finding out later you just offed the biggest bottom in Bangkok is never a happy ending.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

8. Love The One You’re With.
Queerty’s bartender thinks you should pay attention to the guy you are trying to take home with you and not instead chat with your friends, the bartender, every hot guy who walk past you, and the homeless man you brought into the bar because you though it’d be funny. Bar boys too appreciate it when their customer only has eyes for them. And starting your off off with a pouting bar boy is never fun. That joy should be saved for when he becomes your boyfriend several days later.

9. But Do It Safely.
Not using how much you despise wearing a condom as a pick up line is another suggestion our friendly bartender has for those trying to get laid. ‘Cuz it’s about getting laid, not getting laid to rest. Bangkok bar boys are not appreciative of customers who refuse to wear protection either. In their minds it’s not about whether or not the farang is diseased, but . . . well, in their minds there is no question, they know he is. But they also know the benefit of insisting a customer slips on a rubber is that many will be too drunk to accomplish that tricky feat. And that means a full night’s tip for zero effort. Which is what a bar boy thinks safe sex means in the first place.

10. Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.
The last bit of advice our knowledgeable bartender has worth discussing (there are three other bits of wisdom, but like most queens he tends to repeat himself) is to not use your hook-up as your official coming out party. Because unlike Islamic jihadists, gay men do not think seventy-some virgins constitute paradise. To a gay man, hearing, “This is my first time,” is almost as bad as hearing, “I don’t swallow.”

It's not that a bar boy won't tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he'll do so in Thai. And that's like a tree falling in a forest.

It’s not that a bar boy won’t tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he’ll do so in Thai. And that’s like a tree falling in a forest.

Bangkok bar boys, however, love virgins. Especially virgins to Bangkok. That not only means you don’t know that 5,000 baht is not a normal short-time tip, but that you’ll come quickly so they can go even more quickly. With the 1,000 baht taxi money that customers traditionally give their bar boy.

Costs aside, however, a gogo bar in Bangkok is the perfect place to lose your gay virginity. Bar boys will not hold your lack of experience against you. ‘Cuz they really aren’t all that interested in your orgasm in the first place. And bar boys are discrete too. They won’t tell all of your friends about the disgusting things you wanted to do with them. They will tell all the other boys on the soi, but then they were all laughing at you already. So no foul. And getting your gay on in Bangkok means no one back home will ever know. ‘Cuz what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok. Which helps explains why there are so many ladyboy bars in the breeder sex tourist nirvana of Nana Plaza.

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A Walk On The Wild Side at Bangkok's Tawan Bar

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How To Get The Most Out Of The Short-Time You Now Have

05 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

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The Good General has imposed a curfew on the hours you'll have to enjoy the boys of Bangkok. But there are holes in his plan if you know how to spot them.

The Good General has imposed a curfew on the hours you’ll have to enjoy the boys of Bangkok. But there are holes in his plan if you know how to spot them.

If you’ve ever partied in Bangkok, you know it as a city that never sleeps. That’s the good news. The bad news is that in his continuing effort to make Thailand a happy place, The Good General has decided to set Bangkok’s alarm clock to 12am. For the next two weeks (kinda,sorta) at the stroke of midnight Bangkok’s party palaces will be turning into pumpkins. Short-time offs just became that much shorter as the ongoing police vs. military/government squabble for power and tea money claims its latest victim.

According to numerous bar owners and event organizers all nightlife and entertainment venues, parties, and events must adhere to the new midnight entertainment curfew which will last for about two weeks. The word came down from above early Wednesday morning when squads of army and police officials visited a number of nightlife venues to order them closed for the Maka Bucha holiday. Which, since by law all major Buddhist holidays are dry, was expected. That the curfew would extend beyond the actual holiday, not so much.

Trying to make sense out of governmental decreed closing hours have never been easy. That the new curfew has been spread orally with nothing appearing in writing just adds to that confusion. Nevertheless, the new normal appears to be a midnight curfew for most venues, and a 1am closing for those located in an ‘entertainment zone,’ with some splitting the difference and planning to shut their doors at 12:30am. ‘Cuz even the country’s government runs on Thai time.

The hours you have to spend with the hot males of Soi Twilight just got shorter.

The hours you have to spend with the hot males of Soi Twilight just got shorter.

Regardless of just when the party ends, the new curfew means Bangkok’s sex tourists will be left with less time to party down. And fewer hours to decide just who they want to get down with. That’s not a problem for fans of Pattaya. Both because the new curfew appears to not be spreading beyond Bangkok’s borders and because said fans have already perfected the art of limiting their wallet’s exposure to the ruinous expenses of achieving an orgasm. From ordering up a boy through a mamasan without setting foot in the bar (thereby avoiding a $3 drink charge) to waiting until a bar closes to grab a boy desperate for a customer (thereby avoiding the off fee and ensuring the lucky boy will perform for a minimum tip) the cheap bastards who help make Thailand’s Sin City what it is know a thing or five about saving some bucks when out for a fuck.

Obviously, if you spend your time in Bangkok instead you understand the value of a dollar. Which is about getting value for the dollars you spend instead of trying to limit the number of them you expend. ‘Cuz when it comes to your orgasm it should be about quality and not a fear of quantity. But with the new curfew in effect, considering the financial aspect of your night on the town can help ensure yours is not a case of diminishing returns. And doing so while remaining a bar boy half naked kind of guy, will help keep your attitude a positive one. ‘Cuz otherwise you’re gonna start whining about the shortened hours of fun caused by the curfew and that’s the first step down the slippery slope that leads to being just another disgruntled sex tourist in Pattaya. So here are a few tips on keeping your head up while out on the prowl for the perfect guy to share a bit of head with:

Time Is Money.
Sure there is a lot to be said about the joy of spending hours in a gogo bar watching a steady progression of boys getting naked and doing those things naked boys tend to do. But from strictly a financial point of view, those are wasted hours, hours you spend getting wasted that do little to add to your evening’s bottom line. Which should be about lining up the bottom you’ll spend the night with. From an ROI viewpoint, less is more. The less time you spend sitting in a bar, the more time you’ll have sitting on some hot Thai guy’s face. So don’t think of the new curfew as a restriction on the hours you can spend spending your hard-earned cash on drinks for pushy mamasans and boys you won’t be offing, think of it as The Good General helping you to realize the greatest return on the money you’re investing into getting laid.

Learning to cope with the confines imposed by the curfew can mean getting even more value out of a short-time off.

Learning to cope with the confines imposed by the curfew can mean getting even more value out of a short-time off.

The Early Bird Gets The Worm.
Granted, showing up at a gogo bar when it first opens makes you come off as a bit desperate. But then since you’re planning on spending your evening in a gogo bar, you probably are anyway. Still, being pigeon-holed as one of those pathetic punters who timed his Viagra intake poorly or whose system shuts down by 9pm regardless is never a good thing. No problemo. The boys know there is a curfew going on and if you set the fake Rolex you just bought at the night market ahead by an hour or two you can pretend you timed your arrival at a socially acceptable hour.

The plus in arriving early is that there will be many more boys to choose from. Not the bar’s stars mind you. ‘Cuz they don’t make their appearance until later in the evening when the bar isn’t just filled with cheap bastards trying to get the most out of their short-time off. But even with hours still in front of them to land a good customer, the boys who do come to work early will be desperately trying to avoid being offed by one of the usual crop of cheap bastard pathetic punters, and since you’re new to the early crowd scene they won’t have you pegged as belonging to that group. Yet. Score!

And as an added bonus, the boy you off probably showered just before coming to work so you can skip that step back in your hotel room and get even more naked flesh time in than you’d otherwise manage to achieve.

Oh if only that were true.

Oh if only that were true.

Fresh Boys Closed Due To False Advertising.
Bars on Soi Twilight come and go, but few went as quickly as Fresh Boys. Which was a shame. Had they lived up to their promise. ‘Cuz nothing is finer than a bar boy who hasn’t already serviced a half-dozen of your fellow sex tourists before you managed to get to him. Especially if you’ve ever spent an early evening at Dick’s watching the crowd that usually tends to hit the bars as soon as they open.

Personally, while I’m not generally concerned with how much a night in heaven costs, I think bar boys who’ve already made their evening’s tip a few times over should be discounted as the night wears on. Kinda like day old bread. ‘Cuz even with frequent showering, they start smelling a bit stale. But now that The Good General has decreed that you have to cum to the party earlier, boys whose freshness is past their expiration date are no longer a problem. Unless your preferred bar is Classic Boys. You’d think a bar with a ginormous water tank in it would mean a stable of boys constantly recently bathed. Nyet. But the chlorine does add to the bar’s ambiance, and at least you know whatever tropical skin diseases the punter who came before you attempted to pass on have been killed off. But I digress . . .

Short-Time Is The Right Time For Me.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to compute that a short-time off started earlier in the evening means a longer time of getting your rocket blasted off. But it take the wiles of a Pattaya sexpat to put a beneficial twist to the bar boy’s short-time refrain of, “You come, I go.” And there’s a lesson there to be learned.

When you off a boy at your usual hour (around 1am) whether it’s for a short-time or long-time off it’s a one-off too. Assuming you didn’t off two or more guys at once. But when you off that guy at 8pm instead, by 10pm you’ll find that you have time on your hands. When you’d planned on having your hands on something entirely different. Even with The Good General’s curfew in place, that still leaves you a few hours to slip into something more comfortable. Like another boy. Granted, stacking two or more short-time offs into one night won’t do much for the health of your bank account, but viewed as an evening of time well spent, it will put a healthy smile of your face.

So many men, so little time . . .

So many men, so little time . . .

Happy Endings Come In All Sizes.
No one likes to be rushed. Especially when it comes to the blood rushing to your little head. But there is something to be said for appreciating the short-time you have to spend with the man of your dreams. You quickly learn to appreciate the little things. Like the taste of his nipples. Or how his cock makes that cute little bend toward the right as it gets hard. When you have plenty of time on your hands and your hands are spending their time on him, it seems the night will never end, all good things will come to he who waits, and there’s no reason to try to squeeze the most out of your nocturnal hours together. Thanks to The Good General’s curfew that’s no longer a luxury you can afford. Now you have to cram every scintilla of sexual enjoyment into a much tighter space. If you’re lucky.

But even as the hours you have to fulfill your every dream lessen, there’s still more to be had. Living large while the curfew is in effect may force a change of habits, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You’ll be less picky about the boy you choose since you have less time to spend choosing him. That means less time being indecisive while those who don’t suffer from the same infliction off every guy you were considering. And there’s even the chance that the boy you do off, no longer having the hours available to him to make his night’s wages off of multiple offs, will instead try to give you the happy ending you dreamed of in an attempt to get as big of a tip out of you as possible. Or at least some taxi money.

You too will be forced to make the most out of the boy you off; G.O.D. will no longer be an option for finding a suitable playmate when the one you bought earlier didn’t live up to your hopes and dreams. You may just find that the result is being happier with the guy and short-time you have since you no longer have the time to move on to the next one. And that’s all The Good General wants out of life. A happier Thailand, and a happier you.

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Short Time Offs: The Premature Ejaculation Of The Bar World

Short Time Offs: The Premature Ejaculation Of The Bar World

Off With His . . .

23 Friday Jan 2015

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off with 1

In the world of Thailand’s gay gogo bars, offing a bar boy means that you are taking him away from the bar. What the two for you then do together is not of the bar’s concern, as obvious as what you will be doing may be. That’s how gogo bars avoid the issue of prostitution. It’s really no different than how escort agencies get away with the same trick back in the U.S. It’s about companionship between two adults, not sex. Wink, wink. Since there have been quite a few questions about the process and fees involved recently, and since that tradition still impacts the process today, I thought a brief explanation of the historical basis of offing a bar boy might be in order. But I’m going with a not-so-brief one instead.

Before there where gogo bars in Bangkok for gay clientele, there were gogo bars for the hetro set. Fish for sale has been a staple for visitors to the Kingdom for decades. The modern version got its start during the Vietnam War when Thailand was a popular spot for military service personnel on R & R. In those days, like today, the bars made money off of selling overpriced drinks and for surrounding customers with hot naked flesh. And made even more cash from supplying willing companions to those who wanted a fuller experience.

Working for a Thai employer is a bitch. They don’t pay well. And employees are completely at their mercy. Being the cheap ass most of them are, anytime they can get away with not paying a satang to an employee is a good day in their book. So the bars quickly developed a set of rules that kept employees in line and helped keep their bottom line in the black. The rules, which did and still do change from one bar to the next, are all backed up with monetary fines. Show up late, you get fined. Don’t show up at all, that’s another fine. Some of the straight bars today have even begun fining their stable when a girl gets a short-time off and then does not return to the bar when she’s done. Even outside of the bar world fining employees is a popular pastime among Thai employers. And because it is part of how business is done in Thailand, employees go along with the system that deducts wages from their check as often as possible.

off with 2

It’s always best for a gogo bar to have a large stable of employees on hand whenever a customer walks through the door. Sometimes I wish they cared more about quality over quantity, but there ya go. But when a gogo bar worker lands a customer, that means one less employee to entertain the clientele. So the bars decided that employee should be fined. What we typically call an off fee in the bars that gay men frequent is called a bar-fine in the gogo bars that cater to the straight crowd. They are the same thing. Whatever the amount set by the bar for this fine is, it is owed to the bar by the employee.

Of course gogo bar employees are poor, and customers are rich whether that’s true back in his home country or not. Traditionally, customers have been expected to pay the bar fine on the employee’s behalf. And that’s cool with the bar. They don’t care whose pocket the money comes from. They are still gonna make a profit out of it. Plus most bars pay a very small wage to each employee for showing up to work – but if that employee lands a customer, they don’t get their normal night’s wage. Because it is assumed they will earn even more from the tip they get off their customer. That’s another fine that isn’t even considered a fine. This tradition is slowly changing but is still practiced at many bars. I only mention it here to demonstrate how much bar owners love their cash. In case you never noticed.

So the off fee, or bar fine, is owed for a bar boy who spends time away from his place of work during regular working hours. If he leaves the bar three times in a night, going for short-time offs with three different customers, he owes the bar three bar fines. All of which will be paid by the customers who decided to off him. Which is both about tradition and deep pockets. If a customer decides to off him for more than one night, the bar boy is fined for each night he is away from work. And unless you are a total asshole, as the customer you will pay that fine on his behalf. Not that you have much choice these days ‘cuz that fine is usually added to your check bin.

off with 3

The only time I have ever argued over the amount of a bar fine I was asked to pay was a night after having offed a guy the night before and after having paid for that night’s off fee. The next night we went back to his bar around 9pm so I could pay an additional bar fine because I decided to keep him with me for another night. The bar wanted their usual off fee, plus another 100 baht, which was what their fine was for employees who showed up late for work (he was supposed to be there by 8pm). Both the boy and the bar thought that made perfect sense. And in the world of Bangkok’s gogo bars, it did.

My wallet disagreed. And actually won that one. Which still amazes me today. I paid the bar fine, but not the fine for being tardy. I claimed that he wasn’t late for work that night but rather was early for the next night. Meeting bullshit with bullshit of your own works well when face is involved. Plastering a stupid smile on your face and insistently repeating your same dubious claim of truth over and over again no matter what the other person says is the proper way to debate any issue in Thailand. The loser is he who blinks first.

So if you are confused about when and how much you owe on off fees, thinking of them as bar fines levied against the employee for not being at work should clarify the matter. For every night your boy is not at work – or is late getting there thanks to you, I guess – a bar fine is charged. Which you are supposed to pay. Thinking of them in this manner may also help explain why you should not expect a discount on the bar fines when you off a guy for an extended period of time. It’s like the fine you pay for speeding back home. You don’t get a discount for getting multiple speeding tickets. Fines are seldom treated like frequent flyer miles.

Facing The Realities Of Farang Face

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

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Face is a difficult concept for farang to understand. But then they spend their lives living in a fantasy world anyway.

Face is a difficult concept for farang to understand. But then they spend their lives living in a fantasy world anyway.

Face, an important but difficult to define cultural concept, holds great sway in many Asian countries. In Thailand, it is as important as the air you breathe. It’s about your reputation, your image, your honor, and the esteem you are held in by others. But more. It is at work 24/7 whether you realize it or not, and greatly impacts your relationship with a bar boy be that a 15 minute one or one that has been going on for several years. Farang who care about what their boy du jour thinks of them, and those who like to treat their offs with respect, consider the guy’s face in how they conduct themselves. Those that don’t lose face without ever realizing it.

The importance of face to a bar boy, and the cultural oddities that stem from that concept, are a popular subject on the gay Thailand message boards with numerous pundits weighing in on what is important to the working guys and how best to not dis them. But face is important to Thailand’s visitors too. It’s just different than that for locals. A successful relationship is incumbent on the actions of both parties involved, and the face a farang gains or loses greatly impacts the face of the Thai he is with. Yet the idea of farang face seldom gets aired. That may have a lot to do with how little respect many farang are deserving of in the first place; countless punters throw theirs away within the first few minutes of hooking up with a new guy. And then wonder why they get burned, land a dud, or get taken for a ride so often. Face, like respect, is something you earn. Like your reputation, it is something you should protect. And not being Thai, from the bar boys’ viewpoint, you are already starting off at a disadvantage.

Farang face too is much about how others view you. And how your boy du jour treats you. What he expects of you, and how he conducts himself in your company impacts your face greatly. And Thais know the greater face their customer – ooops, I mean boyfriend – has, the greater face they themselves gain. With that in mind I offer the following tips for Thailand’s bar boys on how to best protect your Farang’s face. Because he will be clueless to that need:

Farang accuse bar boys of being two-faced because they don't understand how important both of those faces are.

Farang accuse bar boys of being two-faced because they don’t understand how important both of those faces are.

1. Time Is Relative.
Farang don’t quite get that time – just like most rules in Thailand – is best ignored.. They mistakenly believe 8:00 pm means 8:00 pm and not the 10:00-ish it really denotes. Nothing will frustrate your farang more than you constantly being ‘late’ for an occasion. When everyone knows the party really doesn’t begin until you make your appearance anyway. Your inability to live your life in accordance with the dictates of the fake Rolex he wears on his wrist will cause him to lose great face among his fellow farang who are equally obsessed with the hands on a clock even though they have nothing to do with their time. Of course actually changing your own perception of time would be silly. So instead wait for him to fall asleep and set his watch back by a half hour or so. Problem solved. Face disaster avoided.

2. Impressively Yucky.
Farangs live to impress and think their financial status actually has something to do with face. Why they continue to try to impress bar boys with their spending habits when all they accomplish is to give proof to that old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted is difficult to understand. But then if the fool didn’t part with his money as often as he does, your family would lose its major source of income. So suck it up. Just pray you don’t have to on an empty stomach ‘cuz your farang will love to impress you by taking you to American chain restaurants where the meals costs about the same as what you spend in an entire week on food. Pizza Hut is the worst. The fact farang think of cheese as impressive – or edible – is both bewildering and the burden you must face when dealing with farang.

Farang don’t understand that if it doesn’t have at least five red chilies, it’s not real food. They also don’t get that most Thais are lactose-intolerant and the idea of eating something smothered in what is really nothing more than curdled milk is disgusting. Why farang can’t learn to eat grasshoppers like the rest of the world is a puzzle. But no problem. Smile, make sure whatever pizza he orders has lots of pineapple on it, and then when it comes to the table douse it with heaping spoonfuls of crushed red chilies. And don’t worry about your farang noticing what you had to do to make your meal palatable, he’ll be too busy being pissed off at how late your waiter was in delivering his food to the table.

Fortunately when dining with your farang he'll be so busy stuffing his he'll never notice what his choice in restaurant does to the expression on your face.

Fortunately when dining with your farang he’ll be so busy stuffing his he’ll never notice what his choice in restaurant does to the expression on your face.

3. A Whiter Shade Of Pale.
Your farang will gain great face by showing you off to his fellow sexpats as though you were some great find. Little does he know that you have already spent quality time with everyone he knows or is likely to meet. Been there, done them. Regardless, looking your best is important to him and for some unfathomable reason farang think the darker you are the more handsome you are instead of knowing that dark skin means you are a peasant who spends all of his time in the fields doing manual labor. Unfortunately this means at some point he will realize all of the skin whitening creams and lotions he’s been paying for are counterproductive to his ideal of beauty.

Fortunately farang think Thais are some exotic species and their bodies operate differently than the rest of humanity. This can work to your favor. Tell him sperm on your skin turns it white. If you are lucky his face will mean more to him than his orgasm does and he’ll take to having a wank in the toilet instead of forcing you to witness – and participate in – those disgusting acts he insists on. If the Buddha is looking kindly upon you, you may also get away with blaming eating cheese for this problem and can kill two birds with one stone.

4. The Gift That Keeps Giving.
At some point in your relationship someone will tell your farang that all the bling that he’s been buying you is really just a ready source of cash; that as soon as you can you return it to the closest gold shop for what you really wanted: baht. Farang hate to be taken for a fool. Yours will quickly stop buying you gold bling as proof of your love for him, thinking he is saving face by doing so. Fortunately farang don’t realize you have the same deal with just about every vendor and store in town. Tell him instead how hot your loom is and that you need an air-conditioner – or that you need a refrigerator to keep your cheese in – and that wallet will appear quicker than an underage boy in Sunee Plaza. Sure it’ll cost you a few extra bucks to get a large appliance back to your favorite retailer, but you can always tell your farang you need 500 baht for taxi money, and that’ll cover that expense.

If farang were more concerned with face they'd pay more attention to how they present the rest of their body.

If farang were more concerned with face they’d pay more attention to how they present the rest of their body.

5. You Lie Him, You Really Lie Him.
Savvy farang quickly learn that you are telling him a little white lie when you say you lie him or that he is a hansum man. Assuming ‘little white lie’ is Thai for a fib the size of a sexpat’s prodigiously ballooning stomach. Not that he’ll ever stop you from saying so. Or will tire of hearing you say it either. Because fantasy and face have nothing to do with each other. But telling him those things in front of his fellow sexpats is a different story. They can barely stand to be in his presence themselves and your obvious lies will cause him to lose face. It’s just a shame that face isn’t the one attached to the front of his head. On the other hand farang gain much face for knowing how to speak Thai, so they all learn the same cute phrases. That no self-respecting Thai ever actually uses. Jai Dee is a good example and the perfect compliment to pay to your farang in front of his fellow sexpats. He’ll think you are saying he has a good heart. The other bar boys within earshot will know you are marking him as a fool who will dig out his wallet at the drop of a hat.

6. Hello Mudder – Hello Fadder.
Inviting your farang to meet your family will give him major face among his peers. It shows that you really lie him. If you are lucky, you are an orphan and can rent some old people from your village to play the role of your mama and papa. If you are less fortunate, you’ll actually have to introduce mama and papa to their meal ticket. But this is a form of merit making; they will give you major kudos and tons of sympathy when they actually see how disgusting your ‘boyfriend’ really is. Besides, your parents and your farang are probably around the same age and may find something in common.

Having been brought up well, your farang will want to waste his baht on purchasing small gifts for your mama and papa even though everyone knows nothing says respect like cold hard baht. But he will not have a clue as to what is an appropriate gift when meeting your relatives (uh, hello? Baht!). But he will believe that you papa will enjoy a bottle of Johnnie Walker (which you can then take back to your bar and exchange it for cash) and your mama will love a basket of fruit (even though she no longer has enough teeth to make headway on an apple). After he has purchased his gifts, volunteer to wrap them for him. You can save yourself from what would have been an embarrassing moment by using the baht in his wallet or hotel room safe as gift-wrapping. Then when he hands them over it really will be a Kodak moment. Everyone say cheese!

Unfortunately, this is what most farang think gaining face means.

Unfortunately, this is what most farang think gaining face means.

7. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Solly.
That the countries of the world your farang is likely to come from are its superpowers just goes to show you that there really is evil in the world. Collectively, they may dominate the planet, but individually they are a useless and ignorant lot who don’t understand how the world really works. Their misconceptions about what is and isn’t polite is a good example. Unfortunately that means they will insist on your using the same courtesies they use.

Your farang, for example, will feel he has lost face if you do not thank him for every little thing he buys for you. Yes, you know better; you’ve been taught that thanking someone for a gift lessens the face and merit they would have gained from the act, but then farang are barely worthy of merit anyway. So get used to saying thank you because a well-trained farang will give you many opportunities for expressing your appreciation. And once he is used to your saying thanks a million times a day, even as ignorant as he is he will figure out something is amiss when you fail to extend that courtesy. For example, not saying thank you when it takes him an entire 8 minutes to achieve his orgasm will clue him in that he needs to speed things up. Or ignoring the opportunity for saying thank you when he just bought you a new cellphone will let him know that nothing but the latest model of an iPhone is acceptable in your world. Using thank you wisely can work to your advantage. And then you can go give thanks to the person who really deserves that honor: The Buddha.

8. Farang Don’t Know Maths.
It is a paradox that as much face as Farangs think they get from their financial status and the things they own and buy, when it comes time to actually get their wallet out face is all about how cheaply they can make a purchase for. Obviously your farang – and you – would gain more face by him buying you a new cellphone for $400, but he will think getting it for $350 does more for his rep. This isn’t a problem for you since all your friends know farang overpay for everything anyway and will assume he dropped $500 on your phone. But your farang will want to haggle over the price at your favorite cellphone shop and they all think the best way of bargaining is by yelling. Which costs you the face you would have gained by your farang buying you the most expensive phone in the store in the first place.

So offer to bargain for him. He will think that because you are Thai you will be able to negotiate the best price. Not being able to understand a word of Thai beyond the few cute phrases he’s learned, he won’t be able to follow your conversation and you can use this time to negotiate how big of a cut you will get from the vendor for making the sale. Your farang will gain major face for getting that phone for $50 less, and you’ll get $75 for convincing him he is getting a real deal by spending $150 more than what the phone should have cost. And that’s a lot of face at a very small price.

This is the face of your farang.

This is the face of your farang.

9. Money Well Spent.
Farang hate being treated like a walking ATM. Which is stupid because everyone knows neither farang nor ATMs actually walk. Your farang will have convinced himself that the reason you like spending time with him has nothing to do with money. In fact he will come up with as many reasons as there are baht in his bank account. Lucky you. Even though it should be evident that him spending money on you is what it is all about, nothing makes a farang think he has just gained major face like you spending money on him. Like that would ever really happen.

Nonetheless, that it takes money to make money is true even in Thailand. And spending a bit of his to make a bit more of yours is a good way to allow him to believe you don’t really think of him as an ATM. Fortunately, part of his fantasy is that you have no money. So it doesn’t take much. For example, when the two for you stop at 7/11 to buy water, dig out some baht to pay for the purchase before he can get his wallet out. This simple act will bring tears to his eyes ‘cuz he’ll know it means you really lie him. And he will ignore that the baht you are using came from him in the first place.

Then, while he is trying to get himself under control, suddenly remember all of the things that you need – like a full compliment of skin whitening lotions and salves – and fill the counter with your goodies. Your farang, fresh from experiencing your largesse, will pay for your additional stuff. Of course. Just don’t forget to say thank you. It’ll make him tear up all over again. Just in case there was something you forgot to add to your first round of purchases. And if you are really lucky you’ll stop at a local mom and pop store instead of at 7/11 and you can double down by offering to bargain for your farang.

Sometimes you have to resort to trickery to help your farang maintain his face.

Sometimes you have to resort to trickery to help your farang maintain his face.

10. Um, About Your Face . . .
It’s a shame farang haven’t a clue about face or they would take a few simple steps to protect theirs. Like washing it occasionally. Thais know that being neat, clean, and dressed well – or at least appropriately – is all about face. Farang think that being the superior creatures that they are, they can get away with inflicting their poor grooming habits and weird sense of fashion on others. Unfortunately since your farang insists on hanging on you in public there is no way you can pretend that you do not know him and his lack of hygiene will negatively impact your face among those who count: Thais.

If your farang didn’t spend his every waking minute thinking about all the sex he can buy, he might spend a few minutes a day going one on one with some soap and water. It will do you little good to complain about his lack of showering, he has enjoyed his twice-a-week bath since he was a baby. But he’ll quickly rise to the occasion (meaning about half an hour after he swallows a little blue pill) if you offer to shower with him. He’ll be all hands; you can use yours to lather up those places that are hard to reach for him. Like just about any spot on his body. These are the sacrifices you make for face.

There is not much you can do about the too tight shirts he wears, the pants that needed to meet a washing machine weeks ago, or his fondness for wearing black socks with sandals. But you can avoid being seen in public with him by offering him sex early in the evening. Your farang, like most elderly of his species, will fall asleep as soon as he’s come and then you can spend the evening doing what you really wanted to do (and were doing while he was busy sexing himself) anyway: watching TV.

Farang mistakenly think face is about how they view themselves and not about how others view them.

Farang mistakenly think face is about how they view themselves and not about how others view them.

As for those odd quirks of his, you’ll just have to suck it up and hope no one Thai notices. You may assume he is a drug-addicted psycho just cause he bites his nails, But his mom bites hers too. So it’s a learned habit you will not be able to break. That he cuts his gross toe nails at the beach is equally appalling, but those clippings can be saved and given to your local mor phee when your farang begins balking at replacing yet another cellphone. As for his belching, farting, and the constant scratching he does in public, well if he had face he wouldn’t and since he doesn’t he does. But that may draw attention away from his ugly mug and that’s the face that causes you the most problems anyway.

Gratuitous Gratuities In Gogo Bars

16 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 4 Comments

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Bangkok gay go go bars

Tipping is not customary in Thailand. All the guidebooks, both online and in print, will tell you that this western custom is not the norm in the Kingdom. And, in Thailand, prostitution is illegal too. So of course you’ll never run across prostitutes on your visit. Nor will any Thai ask, or expect, a tip from you. But Thailand’s gay gogo bars are a world of their own. In Bangkok, that world is centered on Soi Twilight. Where you’ll find establishments full of prostitutes. And everyone involved in the business not only expects to be tipped, but will demand a gratuity from you. Hopefully, you’ll at least get an orgasm out of it.

Undoubtedly the most often asked question about tipping and gay gogo bars in Thailand is: how much? That’d be how much to tip the guy you took back to your hotel room. I’m not gonna tell you. Actually it’s not that I won’t, but rather I already have. Go hunt that post down if you must. This post, instead, is about all of the other guys – as well as those who once were guys – who will expect you to tip them. The easy rule of hand is to tip everyone. You’ll be a popular customer and all the boys will talk about what a big heart you have. All of the other customers, most of whom are expats, will talk about what a jerk you are and about how you are ruining their world. Don’t worry about it. Those guys grumble about everything anyway. The trick is to tip enough and to the right people to not be confused with an expat, and to not overtip to the point that all of the boys mark you as a sucker. Regardless of the years you’ve spent gaining that reputation.

So fill your pockets full of baht and get ready, here’s your definitive guide to tipping in Bangkok’s gay gogo bars:

Barkers & Touts: These are the guys who grab various parts of your body as you saunter down the soi trying to decide which bar to enter. Most visitors hate these guys. It’d be different if they grabbed the parts of you that you’re planning on having grabbed, but that you’ll have to wait for until you are inside a bar.

Veteran bar goers scoff at the idea of tipping barkers. Shooting them, yes. Handing over some cash? Not so much. But if you consider that tipping in the gay gogo bar world is more about extortion than gratitude, tipping the soi’s touts is a smart move. After doing so, the next time you stroll down the street they’ll be less aggressive and will greet you with a warm smile instead of pulling your arm off.

Bangkok gay go go bars

Captains: In theory, mamasans and captains are the same. In practice, captains don’t become mamasans until they master the trick of being overly aggressive, pushy, demanding, and greedy. Oh, and extremely annoying. So while most captains are mamasans, for now we’ll pretend they are actually part of the human race and are there to help you. That won’t last long.

The captain will be the first person you meet when you enter the bar. His job is to direct you to a seat. The bars are seldom so crowded you actually need help finding a seat, but the bars have learned that without a captain to direct traffic, newbies only make it as far as the first few steps into a bar. Then they stand there, dropped jaw, mesmerized by the naked and hard studs on stage. This would not be a problem except there is no money in it for the bar, so they’ve learned to help you to a seat where you can order a drink and start emptying your wallet.

It is not unusual at an entertainment venue to tip the person who seats you to score the best seat in the house. But this is Thailand. So fuck that. As the evening progresses you’ll have plenty of opportunities to tip staff members, no reason to jump in quite yet. Besides, it’s time for you to establish who is boss. The captain will lead you to either a chair at stage side, or to a spot on one of the benches, making other customers scoot over while half of the tables are still empty. Ignore him. It’s good practice for when he transforms into a mamasan.

The stage-side seats at first glance appear to be prime viewing. But sitting there means you’ll spend your evening staring up at the naked boys and you’ll spend the next day trying to find a chiropractor to fix the crick in your neck (you’d think with all the massage places in town you’d be able to find relief easily, but all of those places are in business to give you a different kind of relief). Sitting at stage-side also exposes you to various body fluids that tend to fly around once the show starts. The view from a few feet back is not only better, but safer too.

Bangkok gay go go bars

Thais are comfortable with what is familiar to them and since the captain has been sitting customers at the same table all night he’ll direct you to one that is overcrowded and overflowing. You do not want to sit there. Most of those potential tablemates are not really people you want to associate with. Plus, you will want plenty of empty space around you to fill with boys. So head in the opposite direction instead and stake out your claim at an empty table.

Waiters: After sitting down the captain will take your drink order. It will be brought to you by a waiter. In most bars all around the world it is customary to tip your waiter. Usually for each round. Thais have not yet figured this out and there is no reason for you to help them add to their tipping repertoire. Accept your drink and keep your wallet where it belongs.

The exception to this rule is when you’ve checked out all of the boys on stage and decided they all suck. Before you head off to a different bar for a better selection of meat, take a minute and check out your waiter. He may just be exactly what you have in mind. Just because he is not standing naked on stage does not mean he is not available. He is, after all, Thai. You’ll pay the bar a higher fee for offing him than you would for one of the bar boys, but waiters are usually much less jaded and have not learned how to screw you without having to screw you. Yet.

If you don’t off your waiter, at the end of your time in the bar he’ll be the employee who brings you your change. He will make sure your change is lots of worthless coins and almost as worthless small bills. The bars know guys hate coins and most will leave them as a tip regardless of how much they add up to. Don’t be surprised if your change includes coins worth several hundred baht.

A lot of customers are cheap bastards and do not leave anything as a tip, so whatever you tip will be fine. Depending on how long you sat at the bar, how cute the waiter is, and if you have a boy you are offing (who will watch to see how much you tip so he can establish how much extra to ask you for to cover his taxi after your orgasm), an acceptable tip is between 20 and 100 baht. Though if you leave 100 baht on purpose, you’ll be the first person that month to do so.

Bangkok gay go go bars

The tip you leave in the check wallet does not go to your waiter. No matter how cute he is. It goes to the ‘house’ and is supposed to be split among the waitstaff at the end of the evening. Good luck with that. If you want to tip your waiter and not the bar manager and owner, hand the check wallet back to him (with or without coins) and then place your tip directly in his hand. He gets to keep what you fork over in this manner.

It’s considered rude to tip your waiter by shoving a few bills down his pants while you cop a feel. Rude, but not unheard of. You may weigh the chance that others will think you are rude against the opportunity to molest a hot Thai guy and decide it’s worth it. Then go for it. Play dumb (you never know when a bar is looking to hire a new mamasan), you’ll get the same insincere wai that those who thought they should abide by their moral code while in a whorehouse do. Your stiffy is on the house.

Boys on Stage: If Thais were able to obtain visas for travel to other countries they’d be more clued in to tipping customs in the rest of the world. Lucky for you, they are not. While elsewhere it is customary for patrons to stuff bills in gogo boys’ g-strings while they are performing on stage, in Thailand this is not a normal practice. Even if you reach up and fondle a boy, tipping him while on-stage is not required. Fondling him while he is on stage is not required either, and is in fact not appreciated. That’s what the empty spot next to you is for. But if you can not control yourself, well, it’s amazing what a 100 baht will do toward smoothing a Thai’s ruffled feathers.

Boys Sitting With You: Unlike a boy on stage, when you are fondling one sitting with you, a tip is required. Even if you are too shy to play with the merchandise. The bar would rather you buy the boy a drink. The boy would rather you give him cash. Actually, the boy would rather you off him and give him lots of cash, but if instead you decide to throw him back into the pond, you should tip him for his time. 20 baht is plenty for a short, non-fondling chat. 100 baht is generous if you played with him; it’s not like he gave you a blow job. Unless he did give you a blow job. Then you may want to tip a bit more.

Bangkok gay gogo bar

Screeching Queens: You need not, however, tip a boy who approached you on his own. Invariably, these are the fem boys who screech out a ‘Sawaaaatdeeeee kaaaaaaaa’ when they plant their ass next to you. If you lack taste in men and like this kind of boy, then feel free to keep him with you and tip him for his time. If on the other hand he makes you consider going straight, your duty is to convince him to leave you alone, not to tip him.

Getting rid of an unwanted companion at a gay gogo bar in Thailand is not easy. Little screeching queens all want to be fabulous ladyboys when they grow up, but usually become mamasans instead. Ignorance is something they are earnestly striving to master. If you try and send one on his way by saying something like, “No thank you,” it will not work. Do not be polite. His English speaking skills may be minimal, so sign language is your best form of communication. And you have several choices. The most polite is a brushing away gesture with your hand. This works best with an look of extreme disgust on your face. A quicker acting gesture, and one everyone understands, is an emphatically thrown middle finger. Best yet is the ‘two fingers in your mouth, gag reflex in use’ gesture which is also understandable the world over. The plus with using this gesture is he’ll screech in horror as he scurries away. Which is entertaining in its own right.

Boys on Your Lap: Closely related to the screeching queen is the other screeching queen who demands a tip while he is spread across your lap while being fucked by one of his bar mates. If you are too drunk to identify this tipping opportunity, the screeching queen will help you out by yelling, “Tip Meeeeeeee!” in your face. Well, actually at your crotch. This is not a tip, it is extortion. Get over it and tip him quickly so he moves on to the next sucker. Unfortunately, they don’t make 10 baht notes, so you’ll have to waste a green bill to free yourself from this horror.

You may wonder how the fucking act decides which customers get their attention. Which really means you may be wondering how to avoid having a little Thai ladyboy wannabe getting fucked on your lap. Simple. The customers who have tipped the captain for showing them to a seat, tipped the waiter every time he brought a drink, and tipped every screeching queen who planted their ass next to him, are the ones they zero in on. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and guys who tip too much at gay gogo bars.

Bangkok gay go go bars

Boys Massaging You: Whether you called a boy over, bought him drinks and tipped him, or were too big of a pussy to send the little screeching queens fleeing from your presence, if the boys in the bar note you are handing out baht they will flock to you. Throwing a bit of cash around means half of the boys will soon be surrounding you. When the good tip-getting spots are taken and a boy is already sitting on each side of you, others will stand behind you, to your side, or in front of you and massage your neck, your hands, and/or your legs (all three of them).

As with most services in the bar whether you allow this is up to you. But if you do, again, it is customary to tip the boys working on your body parts. 20 baht per boy is fine. Maybe 100 baht to the one kneeling in front of you if he kept his hands behind his back.

Boys in the Toilet: In many of the gay gogo bars you’ll also get a shoulder or neck massage when you are trying to take a piss in the toilet. I’m not sure how this custom started, or who thought a guy would enjoy a neck massage when he is trying to empty his bladder, but there ya go. Much like the screeching queens who get fucked on your lap, consider the toilet massage extortion, hand over a 20 baht note and pray the sucker leaves you alone so you can pee in peace.

The toilet massage guys are not exactly at the top of the pecking order in the bar and some become quite aggressive in their pursuit of a tip. Amazingly, they have not figured out they could get a big tip by dropping to their knees, but instead will just keep mauling your upper body in an effort to get more baht out of you. If the first 20 baht didn’t do the trick and they still won’t leave you alone, do not fall for their additional extortion attempts. You’re already armed, just direct your flow in his direction and he’ll get the idea. Or you’ll find the sole kinky Thai in Bangkok.

Bangkok gay go go bars

The Boy You Take Home: All those 20 baht tips you’ve been handing out for attention, or to be left alone, add up. If you’ve been careful, you may have enough money left to actually off a boy and take him back to your hotel with you. If you do, you probably have sex on the mind. Everyone else has more tips in mind.

The mamasan who tallies up your check bin, with off fee included, will ask for a tip. Not because she did anything to earn it, but because she’s learned that being pushy works with most Westeners. Even though she expended the least amount of effort out of all of the bar employees you tipped during your visit, she will expect 100 baht as a tip. Ignore her.

Giving money to mamasans only encourages them. She is going to demand some of the tip you give to your boy when he returns to the bar anyway. Besides, when she was younger she dreamed of a fabulous future as a ladyboy on stage, Instead she grew old and ugly and could only find employment as a mamasan. So she’s used to being disappointed. It’d be cruel of you to hold out some hope by giving her a tip, allow her to wallow in her misery while she reflects on what it was she did in a previous life to have come back as a mamasan in this one. That can count as the cultural experience for your trip.

When you get back to your hotel, unless you have been careful about where you booked, the hotel too will want a tip. They call theirs a joiner fee. It’s a tip for using your room for sex and is usually a fixed-price, anywhere from 400 to 1,000 baht and more. The hotel acts as a pimp and pimps are the only Thais you’ll run across who refuse to negotiate price. So don’t bother. Pay up. You really don’t want to waste time in the lobby when all the fun will be up in your room anyway.

Bangkok gay go go bars

Lastly, of course, is the boy himself. I already told you I’m not using this post to discuss appropriate tips for your boy d jour. But as big of a concern for newbies as how much is when. This is the part of the night where fantasy takes off and forking over cash ruins that fantasy for may customers. Fortunately, the custom in Thailand is to pay for the goods after delivery. You tip the boy after he is dressed and ready to leave. This also allows you to decide how much to tip, depending on how good of a time you had. Or how badly you hurt him.

Some guys feel most comfortable leaving the tip on the dresser (but if you do you will have to point to it). Most slip the tip to the guy just before he walks out the door. Surprisingly, most boys will take your tip without counting it, wai, smile, and leave. Not surprisingly, others count it carefully, and then, regardless of how much you tipped, ask for more. They usually will ask for money for a taxi as the excuse for more baht. You can avoid feeling like you have to give your boy more cash by making sure the tip you give includes a handful of smaller baht notes. The greedy ones will still ask, but you already got yours so ignore their pleas of poverty.

Outside of Bangkok: As a newbie you may not yet have made it to the sex tourist capital of the world, Pattaya. Tipping in Pattaya is different than tipping in Bangkok, or in any other city or town in Thailand. In Pattaya, you’ll be expected to tip everywhere you go because the entire town is a brothel. At the same time, Pattaya attracts the biggest number of cheap bastards, so being stiffed on a tip is par for the course.

You can quickly go broke tipping in Pattaya, so embrace the cheap bastard within you; no worries, you’ll blend into the crowd. A good trick if you do not want to be constantly hassled for a tip, is to learn a few phrases of Russian. Then no one will expect a tip out of you. Nor will they want to have anything to do with you. Even to a Thai, there are somethings one just doesn’t do for any amount of money.

Sexless In The City: An Outlook For Bangkok Gay Sex Tourists in 2015

02 Friday Jan 2015

Posted by in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 15 Comments

A sign of the times, but it has little to do with changes to what Bangkok's nightlife has always been known for.

A sign of the times, but it has little to do with changes to what Bangkok’s nightlife has always been known for.

Rumor has it that there was a raid on the bars on Soi Twilight last week. Rumor being baseless gossip on the message boards stirred by Pattaya aficionados who know a thing or two about raids but little about the goings-on in Bangkok’s bar world. Other than that they charge too much for a drink. From a much more dependable source, however, that rumor stands corrected. I checked with Noom. His version of the event was: “Not raid. Visit.”

Which may sound like splitting hairs. But then Noom’s godlike body, as with most Thai men, has few hairs on it to split. Nuance, however, is what makes Thailand run. And these days The Good General has a firm hand on how things are run in the country. They say the three things you should not talk about in polite company are sex, politics, and religion. In Thailand, sex and politics go hand in hand. ‘Cuz the most popular religion in the Kingdom is money. So despite the doom and gloom crowd’s never-ending cries of terror whenever change is in the air, there is no puritanical agenda bent on ruining your nights of paid-for orgasms or focused on bringing gay life in the Big Mango as we know it to an end. Enjoying a screeching little fem boy being pounded on your lap while it begs for tips, however, may soon be a thing of the past.

But let’s talk about that ‘visit’ first. Because it’s the crystal ball that foretells your future experience on Soi Twilight. Less than a month back the word came down from high that in-your-face sex and non-stop nudity would no longer be tolerated in the gogo bars. Same same for the bars featuring fish in Patpong, Nana Plaza, and Soi Cowboy. Everyone was told to tone it down. The new normal had nothing to do with a twelve-year-old wandering past a bar and seeing disgusting displays of humanity as Jabba opined. ‘Cuz they have doors in Thailand too. What it had to do with was the permissiveness that allowed the extreme acts of sexual daring-do the bars’ shows had grown into. Which boiled down to how much the local constabulary got paid to turn a blind-eye to what was happening on stage. The more tea money paid, the more overtly sexual those shows became. And so on, and so on, and so on.

Big Cocks are still on display on Soi Twilight. They just spend more of their time undercover.

Big Cocks are still on display on Soi Twilight. They just spend more of their time undercover.

As directed, the bars toned down their shows; the shows never disappeared. Big cocks that never were still appeared nightly. On (and off) stage sex acts, however, got the boot. And the boys in rotation suddenly had pockets to store their cellphones in instead of cramming them in the pouch of their briefs. Not that there was room for a cellphone there was ever a good sign. And everyone partied like it was 1999. Again. Because back in those days there were no screeching little fem boys being pounded on your lap while it begged for tips.

But there are rules and then there is the Thai view of rules. Which is that they are best ignored. Within a week or two more and more flesh began appearing on stage again. It wasn’t that bar owners were disobeying the new rules, but rather that they were invoking the Buddha-given right for Thais to test those rules’ boundaries. Someone’s face may have demanded sexless sex shows, but once that need was given its nod, it was time for business to get back to what it had been.

That ‘visit’ from the authorities last week was also about face. Bars were told in advance that the authorities would be dropping by. ‘Cuz no one really wanted to deal with the results of finding the bars breaking the rules. Regardless, the message the visit was intended to deliver still came through. The Good General is serious about not allowing the bars to run sexually rampant. ‘Cuz a happy Thailand does not include screeching little fem boys being pounded on your lap while it begs for tips.

The boys in the bars are still alive and well, and ready to titillate for the price of a drink.

The boys in the bars are still alive and well, and ready to titillate for the price of a drink.

Which despite Jabba’s Sunee State of Mind – that says there is absolutely nothing wrong with a bar full of naked boys when said naked boys can not be seen from the street (‘cuz that of course is perfectly permissible everywhere else in the world) – still, really, has nothing to do with sex. Or puritanism. It’s about money. And power. As for the boys on the boards’ claim that a crack-down on gays is surely headed our way, Soi Twilight and the tea money it generates is a drop in the bucket compared to straight venues like Nana. The soi got a ‘visit’ one night last week. Ever since the new world order was imposed back in late November, there has been a police/military presence in the Nana Entertainment Complex nightly. ‘Cuz that’s where the real money is. Or was.

The Good General does not care about a screeching little fem boy being pounded on your lap while it begs for tips. What he cares about is the tea money required to allow that type of behavior in a club. What he cares about is corruption. Because the Thai definition for corruption is ‘someone not aligned with me is getting rich’. The police were always part of the former prime minister and current exiled felon Thaksin’s power-base. And the higher ranks go filthy rich off the filthy sex occurring at the gogo bars nightly. So The Good General’s concern is not about toning down the sex in gogo bars, it’s about toning down the amount of money flowing into the opposition’s bank accounts. He’s not even just focused on sex. He went after the taxi mafia first. His intent is to stamp out the influences of the still popular Thaksin wherever it still resides.

So yes Virginia, there really is still a sexy show on Soi Twilight nightly. It’s just a bit tamer these days. No longer are there three and four man anal acts performed while dangling from a trapeze high above your head. And half the audience no longer makes a bee-line for the door when a screeching little fem boy intent on being pounded on your lap while it begs for tips makes its appearance. But the shows go on. And the transparent excuse for prostitution that the bars always wore as a mask continues. Because the tea money doesn’t need to be stopped. It just needs to be throttled to a trickle until it can be diverted into the pockets that really matter. Which are those loyal to The Good General.

4 What hasn't changed and never will is the happy ending your night on the soi is supposed to be about.

4 What hasn’t changed and never will is the happy ending your night on the soi is supposed to be about.

Old-timers bemoan the new state of affairs. Boys in jeans on stage? Why would I pay to see that? Ya know . . . fuck you. It’s not about boys in jeans anymore than it’s about being charged nine bucks for a bottle of water. Drink charges are an excuse for the show, the show – which still includes nudity – is an excuse for prostitution. And cheap bastard sexpats are a sorry excuse for human beings. So nothing has really changed.

For a newbie, the bars on the soi and the occasional flash of hard dick are still an exhilarating experience. ‘Cuz there ain’t nothing like that back home. That you can still order take-out is the happy bonus that makes for a happy ending. The bars are not gonna drop their prices because they are now providing “an inferior product”. You idiots. They are still providing the same product they always were. Which is a night with a hot, gorgeous young stud who will make you feel like a king – even if you are an old queen – for the price of an oil change and lube back home.

What will 2015 bring you during a night on the town in Bangkok? With the right attitude, what it always has brought you: a happy ending. The gogo bars are not going away. The sexy shows will go on. The screeching little fem boy who used to rely on being pounded on your lap while it begged for tips may go home with 20 baht less than before, but little else will change. And if your libido demands a cheap beer and scrawny street urchins performing sex acts on or to your lap in the middle of a bar, Nature Boy is not even a blip on The Good General’s radar. So don’t worry, be happy. ‘Cuz Bangkok still has you covered. Even if the boys in the bars on Soi Twilight are a bit more covered these days.

Welcome To The New Soi Twilight

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

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New Soi Twilight 1

Who says you can’t go home again? Landing in Bangkok always feels like a home coming to me. The friendly greeting I get arriving at my usual digs seems more like I’d just left the day before rather than the six months it really is. And when I step into Soi Twilight, my entire being breathes a sigh of relief that I’ve made it to the happiest place on Earth once again. At least until the first barker grabs my arm. But then that’s part of the fun too. As is giving him a close look to weigh his potential as an off. Some things never change. Life on the soi, however, has. But ya really gotta look for it to find anything that’s different.

The biggest change I noted on this trip was how little of the larger changes evident back in the spring still lingered in and around Patpong. The military presence is no longer present. And the night market seemed to have a bit more life to it too. Amazing what a little free-market bootlegging can do. And how little decrees from above manage to last in the Land of Smiles.

Back when The Good General had just taken over the country and was busy making Thailand a happy place, the crackdown on the Thai version of capitalism meant knock-off watches, bootleg DVD, and fake designer handbags quickly went underground. They’re all back. Even if the customer count is still low and few if any are buying. No doubt hopeful vendors are happier with the current status quo, but I miss those days when instead of just pointing to which Rolex watch you wanted you had to step to the back of the booth and make your choice surreptitiously from a vendor’s hidden stash. That added to the ambiance of the market. A sense of naughtiness ruled the night. It was like the lure of knowing for a few over-priced beers you could watch ‘pussy blow candle’ just steps away versus the reality of how not erotic watching a tired vagina wheezing out a puff of stale air really is.

New Soi Twilight 2

Knock-off vaginas too were once a staple of Patpong; you never were really sure if that gorgeous creature throwing itself at you was a woman or a ladyboy. Until you remembered you were in Thailand. So obviously, it was a ladyboy. And like with buying a fake Rolex, many visitors purchased something different than what they thought they were paying for. And went home with a memory to last their lifetime. I’m not sure why the ladyboy brigade moved to Sukhumvit, but Patpong is less than what it once was because of it.

On Soi Twilight, the Big Cock Show! is back once again. And still seldom features cocks that most would consider to qualify as big. But exposed they are and that’s a nice improvement from six months ago when the full monty was a no-no. The gogo bar shows have yet to degenerate to full-on sex acts on and off stage once again, but high season is fast approaching.

The beer bars that sprung up along the soi in answer to the sorry state of the world’s economy haven’t proven to be the magical elixir that they promised to be. If anything, their empty chairs accentuate how slow bidness is on the soi. But then bidness is slow everywhere you look. Planes landing at Suvarnabhumi are not packed to the gills, the lines at Immigration are non-existent. Taxis are plentiful everywhere in town, reservations are not required anywhere, and even the aisles at MBK offer customer-free passage.

New Soi Twilight 3

Still, the beer bars appear to be one of the few missteps bar owners on Soi Twilight have made. The soi was never viewed by customers as a communal hang-out. That’s what Soi 4 is for. Twilight’s stock in trade has always been its shows. And the naked boys you could take back to your hotel. The Asian clientele that makes up the soi’s customer base these days walk right past the beer bars. And the long-time sex tourists looking for cheaper prices known those are available just down Suriwong and come with exposed dick. Fortunately for newbies the confusion over what is what and where the boys are is alleviated by the barkers who still take them firmly in hand and usher them into their bars. And life is good.

Dream Boy is still the bar of choice to those customers whom the bars’ barkers allow to make a choice. And if you are into nostalgia, their show is the same as it was ten years ago. Hot Male still tries to be the sleaziest bar on the soi, but since there is still some degree of prohibition on naughtiness, their attempt is a watered down version of what once was. X-Size still has the most diverse line-up of bar boys; despite the occasional attempt at being something else, Classic is still home to the soi’s twinks. And Zeus looks the same as it did when it was Ocean Boys, which was just a slightly updated version of Future Boys.

Bar owners are relying on an old stand-by when it comes to pricing schemes too. Bidness is down so prices are up. That gives long-time visitors something to bitch about. Just like it did with the old prices. And the prices before that. But the steady stream of men headed up Dream Boy’s staircase suggests for most visitors whatever the bars decide to charge is well worth the money.

New Soi Twilight 4

The biggest change here is that more and more boys are stating their expected tips up front. Some have even given themselves a raise. Quoting a fee in advance was unheard of when farang were primarily the customer base. The irony is that now that the soi is filled with customers from nearby countries where haggling over prices is the norm, no bartering is allowed.

Across Suriwong, Jupiter looks more like Soi Twilight than it ever has in the past. But its stable of men is still filled with male runway model types, and its chairs still filled with more women than a lot of gay men like to see in an establishment that supposedly caters to their own. Always a leader in wanting the highest tips for the least amount of work – or time – the captains quote fees these days. And their Asian clientele gladly pays the asking price.

That sigh of relief my entire being exhales when I step into Soi Twilight becomes a massive inhalation of testosterone laced air when I step through Tawan’s doors once again. I’m surprised the ladyboys who appear in Tawan’s show far too often don’t hold their breath the entire time they are in the club out of fear of what that heady scent will do to their carefully managed estrogen levels. Tawan should bottle that scent and offer it as air freshener.

New Soi Twilight 5

The faces have changed at Tawan, the bodies have not. Nor has the overt friendliness of the staff. On Twilight the bars make an attempt at professionalism in their shows; at Tawan they take a much more lackadaisical approach. It’s more like a party at a frat house. Where no women showed up and boys being boys do what boys like to do anyway. On Twilight they make a production out of their not-so big cocks on parade; at Tawan those cocks appear at random both during and between shows. And if you hit it on the right day, the night ends with a chuck-wow contest. Just like it always has. Maybe it’s about location, but Tawan still offers what it always offered, regardless of who is running the country.

Welcome to the new Soi Twilight and Patpong circa 2014. It looks a lot like it did in 2013. And 2012 too. To old timers the minor recent changes, both good and bad, are barely noticeable. To first-timers it’s still an eye-opening experience. And it’s still like no other place in the planet.

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Top Ten Tips: How To Not Off A Bar Boy

14 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

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Ignoring the signs staring you in the face means the kiss of death for your night in heaven.

Ignoring the signs staring you in the face means the kiss of death for your night in heaven.

I generally like to provide the counterpoint to all of the bad bar boys stories out there. I also like to think the general consensus that they all are liars, cheats, drug-addicts, and lazy is Pattaya-centric, ‘cuz in my dealings with Bangkok bar boys that simply is not true. Generally, I believe that what you put out there, and how you treat others, is what you’ll receive in return. Which makes all of those lying, cheating, drug addicted, lazy Pattaya bar boys make sense. But even the best of us has occasionally run across a bar boy who is just not up to the task. I have too. And later, after the fact, when I’m wondering just how pathetic it is that I’m about to masturbate alone in Thailand just to have the orgasm I already paid for, invariably I know it’s my own damn fault. I let my gonads do the thinking. Again. Even though I knew better, I offed a bar boy who experience should have taught me was gonna never live up to my expectations.

That doesn’t mean that you can have a perfect track record by being cautious about who you pick to fulfill your fantasies. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things just don’t go as planned. But even then, looking back, I know I coulda done better. I was too rushed, or too lazy, or too horny, or too something when I shouldn’t have been. For example, there was a bar boy at Hot Male I offed who did not exhibit any of the warning signs of a guaranteed dud. Okay, so his limited English was even more limited that normal. But he had the body of a Greek god. So I offed him, got back to my room, and discovered that along with that Greek god’s body he had the dick of a carnival freak. Yup, fang muk are difficult to spot in advance. And difficult to swallow back in your room.

Nonetheless, there are some common signs that the bar boy of your dreams will turn out to be a nightmare instead. And just like with how much you tip, it’s up to you. You can ignore what should have been evident, and then start bitching and moaning about the dud you paid for. Or you can wise-up and pay heed to these words of wisdom of when it is ion your best interest to not off a bar boy:

Guys with something to show will always find a way to show it.

Guys with something to show will always find a way to show it.

1. When What He’s Packing In His Underwear Ain’t His Package.
Sex sells. An iPhone stuffed into the front of your briefs does not. The general consensus is that bar boys keep their valuable stuffed in their tighty whities while on stage out of fear that whatever they hold dear to them may get ripped off if left in the dressing room. Bullshit. That’s a farang construct based on how farang act. There are only two reasons a bar boy stuffs his frontage with a foreign object. And neither is about being robbed, they are both about robbing you of your night’s enjoyment.

First, it’s his cellphone and he just can’t live without being available when his friends and family reach out to touch someone. That doesn’t bode well for you. That probably means he’ll be texting during your orgasm too. Second, he needs something down there to form a bulge and since Buddha saw no good reason to bless him otherwise, he relies on whatever he had in his pants pocket to do the work for him. That too doesn’t bode well for you even if you are not a size queen.

2. When He’s On The Prowl For Fresh Meat.
While you can’t blame a guy for trying, that doesn’t mean you have to be his bitch either. Always be wary of bar boys who approach you. You may think you are god’s gift to bar boys, but you ain’t. He’s not attracted to you, he’s attracted to your wallet. Any bar boy who approaches you has his eye on the prize and that ain’t your satisfaction. Treat him as you would a used car salesman who comes hustling across the lot saying he’s got a deal for you. ‘Cuz in either case you’re gonna end up with a lemon.

This has been one of my golden rules of offing a bar boy that has served me well over the years. Except for Noom. He approached me the first night we met and I thought perhaps I’d blown my chance many times in the past by refusing to off those who sought me out. At least until he corrected me. He says he got tired of me eyeballing his every move that night, that after watching me turn away bar boy after bar boy he finally decided I was just waiting for his appearance by my side. So I’ll add that caveat to this rule. Eye contact and a smile is an invitation. So now you shy guys have a fall back.

Whether it is straight porn or his favorite Thai sit-com, his television viewing habits should not be part of your orgasm.

Whether it is straight porn or his favorite Thai sit-com, his television viewing habits should not be part of your orgasm.

3. When He Thinks The English For Sawatdee Is Buy Me A Drink.
When the first words out of a bar boy’s mouth that you can understand is a request for you to spend money on him, your future has just been told. I like guys who hustle, I’m not a fan of those who try to hustle me. There should be a small window of time to get to know each other, or at least to allow you the opportunity of checking him out up close and personal, before you are obligated to help him and his bar make a profit off of your visit. And bar boy work ain’t that thirsty of a job.

4. When He’s Addicted To Straight Porn.
I only mention this one because it seems to be a common occurrence among fans of Pattaya. Bar boys with their eyes glued to their cellphones watching straight porn is only a phenomenon I’ve witnessed in Sin City. What floors me is how many punters seem to think this is normal. Even later back in their hotel room. If he needs to look at pussy to get hard, he’s in the wrong line of work. And you’ve got the wrong equipment. Besides, do you really want to catch a glimpse of vagina when your intentions were a night in heaven?

5. When The Mamasan Told You So.
Whether you still call them a mamasan, or a captain as is more likely the case in Bangkok, the bar employee who oversees your visit never has your best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean they are all out to fleece you. Some can even be helpful. But money, not your orgasm, is always job #1.

Like with a bar boy whose first words are about his thirst, any mamasan who asks for a drink as a greeting should not be trusted. Ditto when the first words out of her mouth are, “What boy you want?” Even if she doesn’t commit those unpardonable sins, be dubious about any bar boy she picks for you. That selection often depends on which bar boy tips her for your business. And the meat for sale is supposed to be on the stage, not sitting in your chair.

Blockbuster movies come with a trailer, there's no reason your off shouldn't include a sneak preview too.

Blockbuster movies come with a trailer, there’s no reason your off shouldn’t include a sneak preview too.

6. When His Yes Means No.
Unless you are extremely narrow in the range of what you enjoy doing in bed, you are usually better off going with the flow with any bar boy you encounter. And if it was important to you – whatever ‘it’ was – you shoulda made damn sure he would satisfy that need before you offed him. Having said that, there is also the Thai aversion to uttering “No” that needs to be considered. “I do everyting” is Thai for no. So even though you asked if he bottoms, he won’t when you make that attempt ‘cuz ‘everyting’ didn’t include anal.

Personally, I consider kissing an integral part of sex. And I get that some bar boys just ain’t into swapping spit with customers. No problemo. And no bidness from me either. So I always ask. And watch for the non-verbal clues that tell me his yes means no. If there is any question, I follow up with asking him if he is a good kisser. That almost always gets a shy laugh. But the guys who do will immediately prove it. Those who won’t stop at the laugh.

If topping is important to you, there’s not much you can do in the bar to ensure he bottoms other than inviting him to sit on your lap. Which I don’t advise. But a few follow-up questions can help you gauge his reaction for honesty. Be explicit. Asking, “I fuck you?” leaves little room for misunderstanding. And his face will tell you more than his words will. If you are a size queen, a sneak peak or at least a quick feel is not out of the question. That doesn’t mean you have a license to grope, or that you should start checking out the size of every guy in the bar. But no bar boy will refuse if it means sealing the deal. Unless he knows he’s lacking in the first place.

Watch for non-verbal clues, 'cuz when a problem exists there's usually a clue.

Watch for non-verbal clues, ‘cuz when a problem exists there’s usually a clue.

7. When He Comes With A Sticker Price.
I think from now on when I hear from a reader who experienced a night with a dud, who starts off his tale with “He told me he cost 2,000 baht” I’m just gonna mark those comments as spam and ignore them. Because every dud story I hear involves a bar boy who stated his fee up front. That’s not how it works. How much you tip is up to you. When you’ve agreed to a price before you leave the bar, there is no incentive for him to attempt to please you. And nine times out of ten, he won’t.

8. When He’s Just Not Into You.
When a bar boy’s attention is everywhere but on you, it’s never a good sign. No matter how much you are lusting after him, he’s just not into you. And can’t even summons up enough effort to act as though he is. Why would you think it’ll be any different once you get him alone, back in your hotel room? Even when it is just the two of you, he’ll still find the cheap painting on the wall more fascinating than he does you. Granted, you will seldom find a bar boy who with one look decides you rock his entire world. But at least he can fake it.

There was a bar boy at Dream Boy a few years ago that I asked to come sit with me. His face was okay, but he had these massive thighs that I immediately began imagining wrapped around my face. It was lust at first sight. At least for one of us. Dream Boys is a popular bar and can get quite crowded at times, meaning the bar just keeps packing punters in regardless of whether there is room left for them or not. So it was that night. Mr. Thighs To Dream For came off the stage in his underwear at my signal, and plopped his gorgeous flesh down next to mine. And then proceeded to stare at his friends on stage. The mamasan squeezed a fresh piece of meat into our row of seats and my leg brushed up against his. He immediately shifted so we were no longer touching. Huh. Who knew I was that toxic? But maybe he was just giving me room. So I moved my leg against his again, this time on purpose. He managed to find some existing space that didn’t exist to move away again.

Sa-moke and smoke are two different things. If it matters to you, learn the difference.

Sa-moke and smoke are two different things. If it matters to you, learn the difference.

Fortunately for me I can take a hint. I handed him 20 baht and gestured for him to head back to the stage. The incredulous look on his face was priceless. But, really? He expected me to off him when he couldn’t stand my leg touching his flesh? He was almost immediately replaced by a bar boy who’d been sitting with another customer, one who I was pissed at myself for letting get away, one with whom I’d traded several significant glances with over his potential customer’s shoulder. He scooted in next to me, gave my leg a squeeze, planted a quick kiss on my cheek, and the with a sad look on his face said, “I wit customer.”

Yup, he was. And that customer had his eyes on us. The boy suggested I wait for an hour and he’d be back. Unbeknownst to his customer, he’d already planned for a short, short-time off. I can only hope that was his customer’s plan too. Because the fool still offed that boy. He woulda done just as well with offing Mr. Thighs To Dream For. Which reminds me . . .

9. When He’s Already Booked.
Call it punter’s ethics, but you really shouldn’t steal a bar boy away from another customer no matter how badly you want to do him. Unless you are into sharing and that other customer is hot too. You can call it karma, I prefer to think of it as sloppy seconds, which is an orgasm I prefer to not think of at all. There’s always mañana. And if it is your last night in town, there’s always another bar boy of your dreams just a door or two away. It may be that the two of you really were meant to be together, but more likely that he’s available to the highest bidder. And it’s a long walk back to your hotel, with opportunities abounding every step of the way.

Closely related are those who just got back to the bar from a booking. Popular bar boys can get offed several times a night. Good for them. Not so good for you. I call that the law of diminished returns. It’s a sexual Ponzi scheme where as the last up to the plate you get left standing with just your bat in your hands. The guy who goes last never finishes in first place. Make a note, show up early the next night, and get him while he’s still fresh instead.

Drinks and off fees are not cheap, wasting more money on a bad off is never the way to go.

Drinks and off fees are not cheap, wasting more money on a bad off is never the way to go.

10. When His Square Peg Doesn’t Fit Into Your Round Hole.

Quit acting like you have a vagina. He will always be himself, and nothing you can do will change that. Especially for 2,000 baht. The perfect bar boy for you is never the sum of his faults. And there are lots of bar boys to choose from. If you are not into tattoos, don’t off a guy who sports ink. If you hate people that smoke, take a whiff before you off him. Don’t just be a cunt and tell him he can’t smoke later ‘cuz his nicotine addiction means more than your orgasm does and he’ll quickly dispense with the latter so he can enjoy the former. Ditto for yaba, poppers, or any other addiction he may have.

If you are a dedicated bottom and he is too it ain’t gonna work. If you like masculine men and he slips on a blouse to accompany you back to your hotel, your better off apologizing, slipping him his tip, and heading into another bar for the man you wanted. If you had your heart set on waking up with him next to you in the morning and he says he only does short-time, go back to the drawing board. If you want to ravish his body and he says looking only, find a more suitable partner. If you need to top, and he tells you he is a man, there are lots of bottoms in the sea. Go check out Classic Boys.

Fantasize all you want. Pretend he’s your boyfriend, or that he loves, you, or that he thinks you are hansum. But be real in your expectations. And know what those expectations are. In real life you may settle for less than ideal, when you are a paying customer there is no good reason to. Go ahead, be picky. Find every fault that you can. ‘Cuz there is a bar boy perfect for you. But you’ll never find him when you agreed to off a guy you won’t be happy with instead.

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