The year was 1993, and finally, after several trips to Thailand the locals were showing their appreciation for my interest in their country by rewarding me with the knowledge of an inside scoop worth some big bucks. The gods were looking kindly on me and my fellow band of merry travelers that day; we’d managed to be in Bangkok for the Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, and thanks to a friendly and helpful local we’d just been clued into that fact. Shame about the Grand Palace being closed though.

Thanks to karma being what it is, since that trip I’ve been extremely fortunate to have managed to be in Bangkok at the same time an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale has been happening again. On several occasions. I’m just not sure why the Thai government feels it’s necessary to close thee Grand Palace every time they hold one of their special Gem sales. It must have something to do with Buddhism.

Of course while any Thai tuk tuk driver worth his salt is gonna help celebrate your good fortune by delivering you to where you can make a killing buying gems and jewelry to resell back home at astronomical markups, as a Buddhist, your soul is what really matters to him. When the gods bless you with financial riches, it’s only right that you respond by showing them proper reverence. Being a farang, you may not realize this. No problemo. Before your Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver takes you to where you’ll be able to begin living the life of the rich and famous, he will take you to see Buddha. If he really cares about you, he may even take you to where you can have a nice suit made for the price of a meal at McDonalds so that you are appropriately attired for your meeting with Buddha. And in your nice new Custom Made Suit Ready In One Hour, you’ll look so splendid your tuk tuk driver will undoubtedly bless you with one of those warm and jubilant smiles Thailand is known for.

Being the lucky guy that I am, I have a closet filled with a variety of Custom Made Suits Ready In One Hour from my numerous visits to Bangkok, as well as a drawer or two filled with all the goodies I snatched up visiting an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale. I am truly blessed. Or would be. But while a procession of different Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Drivers have seen to my spiritual needs over the years by escorting me to The Golden Buddha, The Lucky Buddha, The Giant Buddha, and The Lucky Giant Golden Buddha, from a recent search on Google I’ve learned that I have been missing out. Not one Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver has ever taken me for an audience with the fabled Black Buddha of Bangkok. And as much as I love Thailand and consider the Thai people to be next to gods for their deeply held religious belief that all visitors to their wonderful country be personally blessed by the local deities – before being equally enriched thanks to an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale – I hate to admit that I’ve come to the conclusion that Thai people are racists.

Golden Buddhas, even the lucky ones, are a dime a dozen in Bangkok. No really. At the amulet market behind Wat Ratchanadda you can buy a dozen small golden Buddhas for a dime. The fabled Black Buddha is a different story. At least it is if you are a visitor from a western country. White folk don’t get taken to see The Black Buddha. That honor is reserved for those visitors whose skin color comes closer to matching the tones of The Black Buddha. Anyone visiting from an Asian, Middle-Eastern, or Latino country is afforded the opportunity of visiting The Temple Of The Black Buddha. Us farang have to make due with a Buddha covered in gold. It’s a shameful blight on the reputation of Thailand. I’m amazed the Thai Government allows this injustice to exist.

Now I’m sure those of you who insist on viewing The Land Of Smiles through rose-colored glasses are objecting right about now. “But dude! I’ve seen a black Buddha in Bangkok!” you’re saying. And I’m sure you have. I have too. But did an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver take you to se that Buddha? I bet not. Because while you may have seen a black Buddha, you probably have not seen The Black Buddha. If you had, you’d know The Black Buddha is not black.

As soon as I heard my soul was not properly being tended to in Bangkok, I turned to the world’s premier source for all things religious, Google. A search on ‘black Buddha Bangkok’ returns 6,810,000 hits, and every single website listed on the first page of Google’s search results is a trip report from a non-white visitor who was blessed with the opportunity of being taken to see The Black Buddha by an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver (except for one guy who tried to pull a fast one by having the last name of Black. Didn’t work. He only got to see The Lucky Giant Golden Buddha.)

Not being native English speakers, these folk have all translated the word ‘visit’ incorrectly, thinking the proper word is ‘scam’ but then we all know how difficult English is to learn. (I have to admit that while I’d like to think this is just a common error in language usage, now that I know how racists Thai are I suspect this may also be a plot by non-Westerners to keep us whities from ever getting to see The Black Buddha.) In any case, reading of their adventures, the same experience is shared by all. After meeting an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver on one of the days the Grand Palace is closed, they are whisked off to see The Black Buddha before being provided the opportunity to participate in an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, only to find upon arrival that The Black Buddha is not black. The Black Buddha is gold. He used to be black. But those damn sneaky Thais, in an attempt to keep The Black Buddha hidden from farang sight, have disguised him by covering The Black Buddha with layers of gold leaf.

You may think I’m being overly suspicious, that the idea of a worldwide plot to keep The Black Buddha away from the farang eyes is just a bit of my natural paranoia shining through. And yes, if you delve far enough into the sites returned by Google you will find the occasional report of The Black Buddha being seen by a farang. But those are always tales told by an European backpacker, a brand of traveller known to bathe infrequently. So you can understand when an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver mistakenly thinks they are not white. But Google Images backs up my theory. Do a search on Black Buddha Temple Bangkok, and the pictures you’ll see are from about a dozen different Thai wats. None of which houses the real Black Buddha. Even Google doesn’t want you to see what the temple of The Black Buddha looks like.

I love Thailand. But racism and bigotry needs to be stamped out wherever you find it. The practice of keeping white folk from seeing The Black Buddha has to stop. I urge you to write your congressman today. With your support I’m sure the American government can convince the leaders of Thailand to rectify this matter. And then on my next visit to Bangkok, before I add to my collection of Custom Made Suits Ready In One Hour and my purchases from an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, I’ll finally be blessed with a visit to see Bangkok’s fabled Black Buddha.

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