Because you can’t spend all of your evenings on Soi 4: The top 9 hotel happy hours in Bangkok
I mentioned last week that Tumblr, since being bought out by Yahoo, has removed NSFW blogs from its tags, making it impossible to search for hot male flesh pix using that system. Now they’ve done the same for searching for #gay. And #sex, #porn, and #lesbian – though who’d be searching for lesbo pix is beyond me. They have not yet banned the actual blogs, just made it more difficult to find them. So I’ll be helping you out and posting a link weekly, starting with I Heart Azn Boys. Happy surfing. (Note: If you haven’t browsed Tumblr before: a) where have you been? and, b) at the bottom of each post/pix, if you click on the ‘reblogged’ note you’ll find yet another Tumblr blog to spend hours perving out over.)
Tom Daley has been voted the Sexist Man Alive In The World. Oh, wait. It was by vote of the readers of the British version of Altitude magazine. Never mind.
Finally a reason to go see one of those tacky crocodile farm shows.
Huh. Strange to you but a standard nightmare among bar boys.
I know I’ve featured models who’ve stripped down for Bangkok based photographer Haruehun Airry before, but don’t remember if I’ve ever provided a link to his blog. Every name Asian male model has posed for him, and he seems to have something against clothes, so if this is a duplicate link . . . who really cares?
And sometimes bragging rights just ain’t enough . . . um, really.
Koreans may not be known for having the largest peni on the planet, but make Bangkok’s penis shrine look down right tiny by comparison.
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I’ve long suspected the reason why the majority of the men in the world use the metric system for expressing the size of their best buddy is because those numbers just look bigger. And where centimeters count, any trick that results in an excuse to overstate your case is fair game. Whether size matters is an on-going debate. Except when it’s your size that’s being discussed.
Men are fascinated by their dicks. Their dick is not only an endless source of amusement and wonder, it is their reason for being. Women don’t get that. They constantly try to decipher the true essence of man, when in most cases it is already staring them in the face. It is always about our dick. Always. Whoever came up with that thought about men thinking with their dicks was probably a woman. And though she came close to discovering the universal truth about men, her observation was just the, um, tip of the ice berg. So to speak. It is not that we think with our dicks, but rather that we think of our dick. 24/7. Because, unfortunately that is the limited number of hours we are given each day to ponder the wondrous gift the gods have blessed us with.
As well acquainted as we are with our own dick, it amazes me how clueless some guys can be about dicks that are not theirs. The confusion amongst straight guys I get. They spend far too much time avoiding other guys’ dicks when in truth they are just as curious about them as gay guys are. We just have the balls to act on our curiosity. Often. But gay guys, even those with a few dozen dicks under their belt, can be just as dense. And I call to your attention the frequently stated phenomenon of bar boys in Bangkok’s gay gogo clubs displaying fake appendages as proof. Like the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, large fake dicks on bar boys sightings are frequent though no one has ever come up with solid proof of their existence.
It is a common enough charge that you have to wonder how the rumor started and why supposedly otherwise intelligent men continue to promote this myth. On the face of it, the idea of bar boys wearing large fake schlongs makes some sense. I guess. At least to size queens. Their thinking is that by showing off a whopper there’s a better chance the bar boy will land a customer. But in the real world, it just doesn’t work that way. Even Thai bar boys can figure out the guy who thought he was buying a foot long and only got an inch or two isn’t gonna tip much. If at all. And just who is it that you think buys these ginormous fake dicks for the guys to wear? Bar owners don’t even spring for the makeup their ladyboy acts wear. They sure in the hell ain’t gonna lay out good baht just so one of their employees can make more money.
Even in the Land of Smiles where there is lots to smile about, ugly dicks exist. Fake ones, not so much. There are those you might wish were not real, but genuine fake ones are hard to come by. I recall one Future boy toward the end of that bar’s run who had the strangest dick I’d ever seen. It jutted out an inch or so, and then made an acute bend downwards. At a 45 degree angle. Even the captain who was busy getting me to buy him drinks had a laugh. That dick ruined my night. I wanted to enjoy the rest of the show, but that odd dick kept popping into my head. How did he even use the thing? It seemed to me to be worthless. Unless you turned it upside down and used it for a coat rack. If fake dicks were available for the guys to use, I’m sure he would have slipped one on. I know I would have paid for him to slip one on.
A friend recently sent me an email about his adventures in Thailand including the story of his visit to a gay sauna. Entering the place’s backroom, he made his way through the dark and stumbled onto a couple already engaged. Who welcomed him with open arms. The gentleman standing took my friend me’s hand and placed it on his well-developed chest. And then let Mother Nature take its course. My friend followed his abs to his treasure trail and then down to the prize. And then encountered a monstrosity that made him scream, “Ew!”
In his email added a few more, “Ews!”
Being a manly man myself, I’m not much for making Ew! sounds. But I’m sure that if unexpectedly I encountered one of those dicks whose owner had filled it with silicone or some other foreign liquid, I’d too resort to a shrill scream of, “Ew!” Kinda like I do anytime Joan Rivers appears on the television.
Some guys do strange things to their dicks. Those that do usually claim it is to provide greater pleasure for their sex partners. But we all know it is because it is their dick. And they just couldn’t control themselves. Often it is because whatever size the gods blessed them with just wasn’t enough. Which is a shame because any penis, regardless of size, looks better in its natural state than it will ever look once modern medical science has had its way with it. Even ugly ones. There are a lot of ugly dicks in the world. But their owners never think so. Every guy, no matter how small or horrid looking his dick is, is secretly proud of his best buddy. And if you have had the displeasure of seeing Anthony Weiner’s latest dick pix you’ll know what I mean. That is not a dick you should be sexting photos of.
Which brings me back on point: fake dicks on bar boys. I don’t think the misconception is about size, but rather about looks. Those that some punters claim are fake aren’t, but look so beastly that your mind wishes that they were. The problem is twofold. First, despite how much you may think a bar boy would enjoy standing around naked on stage for all the world to admire, it is not quite enjoyable enough of an experience to keep them hard. So they use a torn condom like a rubber band around the base of their little friend to keep him up and perky. The result, however, often is a slightly bloated penis that, while semi-turgid, tends to just hang between their legs looking like it’s experiencing its final gasp.
Second, I can only assume whoever taught safe sex practices to the denizens of Soi Twilight decided to avoid any confusion and went with the rule that if your dick is out of your pants it needs to be wearing a hat. There is no good reason for a guy on stage who is naked but not involved in a sex act to be wearing a condom. But they all do. You get to se a lot of hard dick in Bangkok’s gogo bars, but seldom are they presented au naturel. And when a dick is both unnaturally enlarged and sheathed in plastic, it just doesn’t look right. Which to the more myopic, as well as the dreamers among us, then looks fake.
On the plus side, if what is hanging between the legs of the hottie you have your little heart set on reaches his knees, there’s a good chance when you get him back to your room he will in fact measure up to your expectations. And then unless you are a size queen of great renown, you may wish that thing was in fact fake.
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I couldn’t help but laugh, yet again, when reading a recent message board trip report posted by a Pattaya fan about his visit to Bangkok’s Soi Twilight. How long – which is never great – before Pattaya folk writing such posts express their outrage over prices in the Big Mango has become a running joke. In this case it was a short wait to hear how incensed this poster was about being charged 380 baht for water! at a gogo bar. I’m sure he had more to whine about too, but once you’ve proven how either stupid, ignorant, or drama-queenish you are there’s no good reason for me to read further; whatever else you have to say will undoubtedly be just as full of uninformed and ridiculous claims. I’m just glad small sums of money loom so large in these guys’ lives that they always get to that point quickly. If they saved their financial outrage for the end of their post, I’d have wasted my time when I could have been accomplishing something more important. Like cleaning the lint out of my navel.
On the other hand, it was noteworthy to hear Dreamboy has raised their drink prices by 30 baht. And even though that charge covers entertainment and not just your bottle of water, the increase adds to the growing body of evidence that inflation has finally found its way to Thailand. Sure hotels I stayed at twenty years ago are still charging the exact same amount for a room that I paid back then, and the average expected tip for bar boys has remained the same for decades now too. But in some areas of the economy, prices are soaring upward at a pace seldom seen in the Land of Smiles. And a news article coming out of Bangkok I recently read confirmed this trend. It reported hitmen in Thailand are now getting a minimum of 50,000 baht per killing. 50,000 baht! Minimum! That’s outrageous. Back in the ‘80s you could have someone wiped out for a mere 5,000 baht. At these rates the rural lads coming to Bangkok to seek their fame and fortune won’t be turning to gogo bars for employment any more, they’ll be hiring themselves out to settle business disagreements instead.
Not that 50,000 baht is much in the grand scheme of things, anymore than 380 baht for a drink and gay fuck show is. When you think about it, just over $1,500 to have the person bothering you the most removed from the planet is still a good deal. Which is in line with other rising prices in Thailand; little is as cheap as it was twenty years ago, but Thailand is still a great bargain. In Bangkok, you can still get quite a bang for your buck. Even when that bang is accompanied by flying lead.
Quite frankly, it is beyond me why a former and current message board owner are both devoting so much time on-line to making wild accusations about each other and threatening legal action when either could bring their disagreement to a quick end for a measly $1,500. If either does take legal action, their attorney fees alone would run than that. But then both are fans of Pattaya, and I’m sure they would be too outraged over the 50,000 baht fee to take advantage of what everyone else would agree seems to be the perfect answer. Since both seem to have their fair share of detractors, maybe each could take up a collection among their respective board members to cover the costs of the hit. And if they both hired the same guy, maybe they could get a discount for a two-fer.
While many of us might consider that money well spent, 50,000 baht for a single hit is still a ridiculous amount of money. I believe that inflated sum has lots to do with farang influences. The locals know what a hit is worth. But expats tend to overpay for everything, often while bitching about farang pricing schemes at local tourist attractions. And paying for a murder for hire is no different.
Back in 2007, British expat Paul Cryne – who, incidentally still holds the Guinness underwater swimming record – was paid 30,000 baht to kill a fellow expat’s wife. And that was for an imported hitman. Which always costs more than a local one. Once the locals hear how much farang will pay for such a simple job, you really can’t expect them to go back to plying their trade for a fee that is less than a used iPhone would run you. And farang only have themselves to blame. If they had not already established a history for overpaying for ending a life, despondent sexpats wouldn’t have to resort to renting a room with a balcony, they could instead hire any local off the street to do the job for them with half the amount of drama.
Hitmen in Thailand have always been a popular part of the local culture. Used to settle personal scores, business and/or political disputes, petty fights between expats, silence key witnesses before they can make it to court, intimidate people before elections, or get rid of an unwanted spouse, hired guns draw on the time-honored rural tradition of the nak leng – a sort of half Robin Hood, half Al Capone figure villagers once used to defend themselves against abuses by the central authorities. Popular in movies and television, hitmen in Thailand are a known part of the local landscape. Korat has become so famous for supplying hitmen a common joke is that you need to be on alert when you spot a vehicle from that province parked along your street if you live close to some influential figure.
Petchburi and Chonburi are also well known hotspots; hitmen today can find steady work throughout Thailand, especially in the fast-growth provinces near Bangkok and on the central plains. In fact, murder-for-hire has become such an integral part of Thai life that the run up to any election is known in Thai slang as the “killing season” because that’s when hitmen are used to intimidate potential candidates. Or eliminate political rivals. 2011’s election was no exception. The Royal Thai Police offered cash rewards of up to 100,000 baht for information leading to the arrest of 112 known hitmen in an effort to keep balloting peaceful. But then in Thailand, hits have historically been politically inspired. It is only more recently that the person ordering a hit is more likely to be a “respectable” businessman. Or as one Chinese Thai businessman put it, “If you cut corners yourself or do business with people who do, you need to know whose interests you are treading on. People can get killed.”
Illegal activities that requires both enforcers and bodyguards are a growth industry. Drugs, prostitution, protection rackets, and simple strong-arm debt collection all require guns for hire. In Thailand, anyone involved in the least shady of businesses needs to have gunmen around to protect them. One insider reported, “Even if they’ve paid off the police they can’t guarantee they won’t be raided by rivals or that quarrels won’t break out.”
How prevalent that business mode is struck home one night while I was sitting at Dick’s with my friend Noom. The old German guy who either owns or manages Dreamboy was, as usual, sucking down a smoke while glowering at passersby. The two large Thai guys standing on either side of him, were, however, a new addition to the scene. Noom snickered at the sight. And then explained the German had recently pissed somebody off and had to hire bodyguards. But then Noom, as sweet as he is, is quick to anger when he feels he’s been slighted too. And has on more than one occasion mentioned hiring someone to kill whoever pissed him off. Because it Thailand, that’s an acceptable way to right wrongs. And while back home you may not have a clue as to where to go to hire a hitman, In Thailand that is common knowledge.
Maybe that’s not all that surprising. Thailand has one of the highest rates of gun crime in the world. One statistic suggests 20,000 gun-crime murders per annum. That’s an extraordinary amount and much higher than in the US – both by per capita and by number. Some say there are as many as 5,000 – although a more realistic guesstimate is a pool of 2,000 to 3,000 – hired killers on the prowl in Thailand today. And that’s not including samurai sword bearing taxi drivers. It’s an economy driven business, on both sides of the equation. One hitman interviewed by the Bangkok Post in 2009 said, “I will kill anyone for money. I don’t care who it is, whether a woman, man, child, or foreigner. It is my job. It is my business.”
Thailand’s Crime Suppression Division (CSD) has recently separated hitmen into 4 levels based on killing experience, life patterns and bio-information. It’s their answer to solving Thailand’s murder for hire problem. There are 100 suspects on the Division’s ‘most wanted’ list for 2013. They admit a large part of the problem is how lucrative killing someone can be in Thailand. CSD Deputy Superintendent Kittisak Tiengkamol said the cost of a killing varies depending on the situation; a hit involving a love affair draws base prices but an assassination for politics or business will require much higher fees. According to Kittisak, “most reasons for killing involve assets, sex, being insulted, or people just losing their temper.”
Tourists and casual visitors to the Kingdom don’t have to worry about having a hit taken out on them. Too much. Though you may want to reconsider just how well you treat that bar boy you off. Sexpats, on the other hand, can far more easily fall into that world. Straight expats killed on behalf of their Thai wife or girlfriend are not an uncommon story. And while Thais like to stick to their traditions, it shouldn’t take locals long to figure out a dead gay farang can be just as profitable as a dead straight one. Maybe it’s a good thing Pattaya sexpats have a rep for being both cheap and poor. That may be one of the few things keeping many of them alive. At least until among themselves they realize $1,500 can go a long way to making your life a lot less troublesome.
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