Today, as you could not possibly not know if you live in the USA, is Super Bowl Sunday and it’s been a contentious year in the world of American football. The first openly gay player was signed to a major league team (kinda, sorta, twice) and the East Coast Championships were embroiled in controversy over how the Patriots’ played with their balls. Now – other than the expected minor brouhaha that will be caused by those sponsors whose Super Bowl advertising includes gay content – it’s all down to whether the boys of the Seahawks or the boys of the Patriots will win a ring that only a drag queen could love.
I’d whip out my crystal ball as usual to tell you who will win – much as I whip something else out to help me predict who’ll win the diving and men’s gymnastics golds at the Olympics – but it hardly seems worth the effort. I don’t pull my crystal ball out to call the presidential elections either. I just go with which candidate has the bigger dick. So it’s Hillary in 2016 all the way. I just kinda wish Michael Sam was playing for the Patriots so ESPN could televise another victory kiss with that cute little hunky bottom he just married.
I usually use this blog to predict the winners of the annual Academy Awards too. But for that contest, like the presidential elections, I leave my crystal ball safely tucked away and just go with who has the bigger dick. Which may help explain why Jodie Foster has won two Oscars, just in case you were ever wondering. This year, with no nominees representing Black America, that may be a bit tougher of a job. I’d switch to calling the results of the Grammys instead, but don’t think predicting that Justin Bieber won’t win – for now obvious reasons – really counts. Or as they say in Texas, Justin Bieber is no Chris Brown.
This year The Game is being played in Phoenix, which I’m a bit disappointed no one is protesting. And not just because no one should ever be forced to go to Phoenix either. Arizona is one of the hold out states in legalizing same-sex marriage. And if we could refuse to get plastered on Stoli because of the anti-gay sentiments at Sochi, the least we could do is to refuse to have anything to do with the Super Bowl in recognition of Arizona’s homophobia too. Even though most gay guys refuse to have anything to do with the Super Bowl anyway. Maybe it’s that the Supremes just announced that the days of marriage inequality are numbered and they’ll be making that call before summer ends. So by 2016, gay couples attending The Game will be able to legally register at their hotel as Mr. and Mr. or Mrs. and Mrs. Which should make Michael Sam and that cute little hunky bottom he just married happy. Not to mention a few U-Hauls full of lesbians.
Of course, as every gay man in America knows, what’s really important isn’t The Game, but the commercials. That’s why we attend lesbians’ Super Bowl parties. ‘Cuz they’ll tell us when the commercials come on. Meanwhile they’re glued to the broadcast ‘cuz they tend to be football fans. And they keep hoping for a replay of Janet Jackson’s famous nip slip. This year, Go Daddy has already pulled their multi-million dollar ad because people claimed it was in bad taste. They were offended that the little tale about a temporarily lost puppy ends with said puppy being sold on-line. Which, considering what you can buy on-line these days didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I mean it wasn’t even a black puppy. Or otherwise Go Daddy would have just aired their ad on FOX News instead. Last year they went with an ad featuring a bunch of hunky, nearly naked men running down the street, one of who later turned out to be a rather famous gay porn star. But that one made the cut. And you can imagine what he’d been selling on-line.
So despite the predestined Patriots’ win, U.S. citizens will be glued to their television sets today to celebrate the true American sport: selling stuff to people that they don’t need, that they can’t really afford, but that they’ll buy anyway. On credit. And a bunch of guys in uniforms that spotlight their superb, muscular asses will play some football too.