Mastering your skills at picking up a bar boy in Thailand is what it takes. Although a MasterCard with a high credit limit works just as well.

The gay kinda news website Queerty recently ran an article titled 13 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bar From A Castro Bartender. I almost skipped reading it because picking up someone in the Castro really doesn’t require stepping into a bar. When the street is full of gay guys on the prowl, you get hit on even while trying to scrape off the dog shit you just stepped in from your shoe. And when the odor of Eau De Fido isn’t enough to not get you laid, whatever fails some pretentious bar back wants to warn you about really don’t matter. On the other hand, not having to come up with original content is always a plus in my book, so I thought I’d re-purpose those tips with an eye towards modifying them for use in picking up a bar boy in Thailand. Or offing one as some jaded souls call it.

I thought that task may take some heavy editing. Surprisingly it did not. The world is a small place. And the line between getting laid for free and paying for it is a thin one. When it’s your orgasm at stake, convincing some hottie that your bed is the perfect place for him to throw his heels in the air takes about the same amount of effort regardless if he’ll be earning some taxi money or not. And thankfully, guys being guys, it seldom takes much effort in either case.

Nonetheless, many poor souls in the Castro return to an empty bed nightly, and many punters in Bangkok return to their bed with a bar boy they’d rather they hadn’t. Which guy you off is up to you, but having it be the one you really wanted is up to your skills at landing the perfect bar boy. So here are a few tips:

Ignore his deer caught in the headlights look, you’ll know when a bar boy is the perfect one for you.

1. The Meat and Greet.
Queerty’s bartender’s first bit of sage advice was to stop using your trusty pickup lines, noting that most fail as conversation starters and instead linger like bad gas. No problemo in picking up a bar boy ‘cuz he probably already thinks you smell a bit off. Pick-up lines, as such, are not necessary in landing the perfect bar boy. Slapping down your wallet bulging with cash on the table top, however, works wonders.

The boys have a traditional pick-up line of their own, however. Their what your name where you stay how long you stay Bangkok greeting gets the job done every time. Using it before they do, if you really feel the need to use a pick-up line, is a great ploy. Those who speak some English will laugh. Those who merely learned that phrase and really have no idea what it means will get a look of pure panic in their eyes. And there’s a good chance which ever of the two responses your potential off displays, it’ll be the same when he accompanies you to your hotel room and you drop your pants.

2. Let Your Demons Rest.
The second bit of advice from Queerty’s bartender is a warning against a liquid diet. By the time you drink enough to get up the nerve to hit on some hottie, you’ll be too drunk to be a success. ‘Cuz no one like a man who looks like he’s ready to hurl in the gutter. As well intended as that advice is, I think he got it wrong. If you are a 10, no matter how drunk you are there are still plenty of guys who will be willing to take you home with them. The warning should be that when you wake up in their bed the next morning you’ll have one mother of a hangover. And you’ll discover you just slept with a 3.

Ditto for the bar boy you pick up when you are too inebriated to remember you hate effeminate twinks. ‘Cuz that’s who you’ll wake up next to the next morning. And it’ll be the one who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps. Plus, when you go to tip him so he’ll leave you’ll discover your wallet is almost empty ‘cuz you ended up buying the bar’s mamasan a bottle. And a new cell phone.

Stay sober while shopping for a bar boy. That way you can get him drunk enough to agree to go with you.

3. Sex By Proxy Is Never Enjoyable.
Queerty’s bartender says that if you want to hit on a guy, don’t send one of your buddies over to break the ice first. What he doesn’t say is what we all know: that bitch will end up taking your intended conquest home with himself if you do. ‘Cuz a gay wingman is always gonna pretend your plane already got shot out of the air if the guy is hot enough.

Playing Go Ask Him If He Likes Me is an even bigger mistake in a Bangkok gogo bar. First, because if he is hot enough just like in a Castro bar your wingman will off the boy first. Second, if he doesn’t the boy will assume he’s gonna be expected to do you both. And third, since most punters fly solo at gogo bars, your wingman for the night will be the bar’s mamasan and the only available boy will be the one who shares his tips with her. Which will be the twink who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps.

4. Reach Out And Touch Someone.
Our bartender in the know says one of the deadly sins in trying to pick up a trick in a gay bar is to have your eyes glued to your cell phone. Which just shows you how out of touch the dude is. ‘Cuz any gay guy worth is salt has his eyes permanently glued to his cell phone these days ‘cuz otherwise he might miss that hottie Grindr says is just down the block.

Bangkok’s bar boys are addicted to their phones these days too. Even if in their case it’s more about watching straight porn so they can get up for their job’s demands. And they won’t be the least bit put-off if you’re paying attention to your phone rather than to them. In fact, they prefer it. The danger here is not that you’ll fail to connect, but that every boy you show the least bit of interest in will immediately ask for your phone number. Then, whenever they need a few extra hundred baht, they’ll call you to remind you how much they love you.

Give a bar boy a cell phone and he’ll lose it in a day, teach a bar boy your phone number and he’ll use it for a lifetime.

5. Leave Your Baggage On The Plane.
No one in a bar in the Castro wants to hear about your problems, your failures, your worries, or your entire failed dating history. And bringing up your ex just means the guy you are trying to hit on will never become one. Bar boys don’t want to hear that shit either. No one does. Not even your mother. And the bar boy you want to off certainly doesn’t want to hear about the disastrous off you paid for the night before. Not because that’s gossip. Bar boys love gossip. He doesn’t want to hear your tale of woe ‘cuz he – and every other bar boy on the soi – already heard about it. And you don’t want to remind him of why your performance was so memorable.

6. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re A Cheapskate.
Obviously, our Castro bartended has never been to Pattaya. ‘Cuz his #6 tip is about how hot tipping is. Specifically: “People that visibly tip get more play. It shows they are generous and care enough to pay for service.” Word. You probably think a night with a bar boy is all about sex. To him it’s all about money. So tip generously and tip often. That shows you’re jai dee. And bar boys love customers who have a big heart. ‘Cuz they are the ones good for a few thousand baht later when emailed with the tragic news of the boy’s water buffalo having just died.

7. Gay For Pay Is An Honored Profession In Thailand.
The #7 bartender’s tip is to not ask potential tricks if he is single, and why. Ditto with bar boys in Bangkok. ‘Cuz most have a wife as well as several kids back home. And that’s TMI when your fantasy is about him falling madly in love with you. A similar mistake is asking him if he is gay. He is probably not. But will tell you he is ‘cuz he knows that’s what you want to hear. The problem is that bar boys tend to think gay means bottom. And when your dream was to be ridden hard and put away wet, finding out later you just offed the biggest bottom in Bangkok is never a happy ending.

Bar boys love nothing more than the cherished memories they receive from customers.

8. Love The One You’re With.
Queerty’s bartender thinks you should pay attention to the guy you are trying to take home with you and not instead chat with your friends, the bartender, every hot guy who walk past you, and the homeless man you brought into the bar because you though it’d be funny. Bar boys too appreciate it when their customer only has eyes for them. And starting your off off with a pouting bar boy is never fun. That joy should be saved for when he becomes your boyfriend several days later.

9. But Do It Safely.
Not using how much you despise wearing a condom as a pick up line is another suggestion our friendly bartender has for those trying to get laid. ‘Cuz it’s about getting laid, not getting laid to rest. Bangkok bar boys are not appreciative of customers who refuse to wear protection either. In their minds it’s not about whether or not the farang is diseased, but . . . well, in their minds there is no question, they know he is. But they also know the benefit of insisting a customer slips on a rubber is that many will be too drunk to accomplish that tricky feat. And that means a full night’s tip for zero effort. Which is what a bar boy thinks safe sex means in the first place.

10. Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.
The last bit of advice our knowledgeable bartender has worth discussing (there are three other bits of wisdom, but like most queens he tends to repeat himself) is to not use your hook-up as your official coming out party. Because unlike Islamic jihadists, gay men do not think seventy-some virgins constitute paradise. To a gay man, hearing, “This is my first time,” is almost as bad as hearing, “I don’t swallow.”

It’s not that a bar boy won’t tell everyone about the disgusting things you attempted to do with him, but that he’ll do so in Thai. And that’s like a tree falling in a forest.

Bangkok bar boys, however, love virgins. Especially virgins to Bangkok. That not only means you don’t know that 5,000 baht is not a normal short-time tip, but that you’ll come quickly so they can go even more quickly. With the 1,000 baht taxi money that customers traditionally give their bar boy.

Costs aside, however, a gogo bar in Bangkok is the perfect place to lose your gay virginity. Bar boys will not hold your lack of experience against you. ‘Cuz they really aren’t all that interested in your orgasm in the first place. And bar boys are discrete too. They won’t tell all of your friends about the disgusting things you wanted to do with them. They will tell all the other boys on the soi, but then they were all laughing at you already. So no foul. And getting your gay on in Bangkok means no one back home will ever know. ‘Cuz what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok. Which helps explains why there are so many ladyboy bars in the breeder sex tourist nirvana of Nana Plaza.

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In the world of Thailand’s gay gogo bars, offing a bar boy means that you are taking him away from the bar. What the two for you then do together is not of the bar’s concern, as obvious as what you will be doing may be. That’s how gogo bars avoid the issue of prostitution. It’s really no different than how escort agencies get away with the same trick back in the U.S. It’s about companionship between two adults, not sex. Wink, wink. Since there have been quite a few questions about the process and fees involved recently, and since that tradition still impacts the process today, I thought a brief explanation of the historical basis of offing a bar boy might be in order. But I’m going with a not-so-brief one instead.

Before there where gogo bars in Bangkok for gay clientele, there were gogo bars for the hetro set. Fish for sale has been a staple for visitors to the Kingdom for decades. The modern version got its start during the Vietnam War when Thailand was a popular spot for military service personnel on R & R. In those days, like today, the bars made money off of selling overpriced drinks and for surrounding customers with hot naked flesh. And made even more cash from supplying willing companions to those who wanted a fuller experience.

Working for a Thai employer is a bitch. They don’t pay well. And employees are completely at their mercy. Being the cheap ass most of them are, anytime they can get away with not paying a satang to an employee is a good day in their book. So the bars quickly developed a set of rules that kept employees in line and helped keep their bottom line in the black. The rules, which did and still do change from one bar to the next, are all backed up with monetary fines. Show up late, you get fined. Don’t show up at all, that’s another fine. Some of the straight bars today have even begun fining their stable when a girl gets a short-time off and then does not return to the bar when she’s done. Even outside of the bar world fining employees is a popular pastime among Thai employers. And because it is part of how business is done in Thailand, employees go along with the system that deducts wages from their check as often as possible.

It’s always best for a gogo bar to have a large stable of employees on hand whenever a customer walks through the door. Sometimes I wish they cared more about quality over quantity, but there ya go. But when a gogo bar worker lands a customer, that means one less employee to entertain the clientele. So the bars decided that employee should be fined. What we typically call an off fee in the bars that gay men frequent is called a bar-fine in the gogo bars that cater to the straight crowd. They are the same thing. Whatever the amount set by the bar for this fine is, it is owed to the bar by the employee.

Of course gogo bar employees are poor, and customers are rich whether that’s true back in his home country or not. Traditionally, customers have been expected to pay the bar fine on the employee’s behalf. And that’s cool with the bar. They don’t care whose pocket the money comes from. They are still gonna make a profit out of it. Plus most bars pay a very small wage to each employee for showing up to work – but if that employee lands a customer, they don’t get their normal night’s wage. Because it is assumed they will earn even more from the tip they get off their customer. That’s another fine that isn’t even considered a fine. This tradition is slowly changing but is still practiced at many bars. I only mention it here to demonstrate how much bar owners love their cash. In case you never noticed.

So the off fee, or bar fine, is owed for a bar boy who spends time away from his place of work during regular working hours. If he leaves the bar three times in a night, going for short-time offs with three different customers, he owes the bar three bar fines. All of which will be paid by the customers who decided to off him. Which is both about tradition and deep pockets. If a customer decides to off him for more than one night, the bar boy is fined for each night he is away from work. And unless you are a total asshole, as the customer you will pay that fine on his behalf. Not that you have much choice these days ‘cuz that fine is usually added to your check bin.

The only time I have ever argued over the amount of a bar fine I was asked to pay was a night after having offed a guy the night before and after having paid for that night’s off fee. The next night we went back to his bar around 9pm so I could pay an additional bar fine because I decided to keep him with me for another night. The bar wanted their usual off fee, plus another 100 baht, which was what their fine was for employees who showed up late for work (he was supposed to be there by 8pm). Both the boy and the bar thought that made perfect sense. And in the world of Bangkok’s gogo bars, it did.

My wallet disagreed. And actually won that one. Which still amazes me today. I paid the bar fine, but not the fine for being tardy. I claimed that he wasn’t late for work that night but rather was early for the next night. Meeting bullshit with bullshit of your own works well when face is involved. Plastering a stupid smile on your face and insistently repeating your same dubious claim of truth over and over again no matter what the other person says is the proper way to debate any issue in Thailand. The loser is he who blinks first.

So if you are confused about when and how much you owe on off fees, thinking of them as bar fines levied against the employee for not being at work should clarify the matter. For every night your boy is not at work – or is late getting there thanks to you, I guess – a bar fine is charged. Which you are supposed to pay. Thinking of them in this manner may also help explain why you should not expect a discount on the bar fines when you off a guy for an extended period of time. It’s like the fine you pay for speeding back home. You don’t get a discount for getting multiple speeding tickets. Fines are seldom treated like frequent flyer miles.

Yes, money can buy a happy penis, but a little tender loving care can buy an ecstatic one.

The last thing I think about when offing a bar boy in Bangkok is just what it is that resulted in him spending his nights sexually servicing complete strangers, often men he would not otherwise want to have anything to do with. Actually, that’s not the last thing I think of. I don’t consider it at all. Even dwelling on the question would put a dampener on the evening’s fun. If I did, I’d feel guilty about those circumstances and double or triple his tip. Or, if you are not a fan of the plight of the poor theory of working as a bar boy and prefer the thought that they do it because they are too lazy to get a real job, I’d be too busy planning on everything I was gonna make him do to make damn sure I got my money’s worth. Either way, contemplating motivation never mixes well with sex. That’s why the gods put your brain in the head that they did.

Having become friends with several bar boys over the years, I have had the opportunity of learning more about their lives and why they decided to make prostitution their career. Perhaps it’s not surprising that it’s always about the money. Those who I have become friends with turned to bar boy work because their options for employment were otherwise severely limited. Yes, some of them could have landed jobs as a clerk at a 7/11 – although I say ‘some’ because even entry-level jobs like convenience store or fast food counter help often entail education or skill requirements beyond their abilities or experience – but faced with the choice of the minimal take home pay from an eight to ten hour six days a week job compared to the chance of hitting it off with a rich farang because you were willing to get naked with him, I think I’d go with a life of blowing for dollars too.

None of the guys I’ve built a friendship with over the years are of the mercenary bar boy variety, the guys who are strictly in it for scamming every satang out of customers that they can. That’s not to say they don’t exists, just that there’s not much room for friendship in a relationship where your goal is depleting the other man’s bank account. And it’s not that those I have built a friendship with don’t know all those tricks too. They’ve just decided not to employ them. Or to only employ them with customers who, by their own actions, demand it. The prostitute with a heart of gold is undoubtedly as big of a fantasy in Thailand as it is in the Western world. But as in any other type of service industry, there are those who value giving and those who value taking. There are those who believe that providing good service is the surest way to just rewards, and those who believe that it is incumbent upon themselves to grab whatever they can as quickly as they can.

Some bar boys will promise you the moon, others will take you to heaven. This is Thailand. It’s up to you.

Regardless of motivation or mode of operation, money plays the leading role. Because working as a bar boy is a job. And anywhere in the world, with any job someone takes, the basis is always the pay. For many employees the world over, cash is the only consideration. Whether you are selling sex or a Happy Meal, the reason for doing so is the same: the money you walk away with at the end of the day. But anywhere in the world and in every type of employment there are also those who love – or at least enjoy – the work they do and those who struggle to get out of bed and force themselves to show up for another day at work. Often working in the same job, side by side, at the same pay rate. And that goes for the boys in the bars of Bangkok too. The difference is the rewards that are not as tangible as cold hard cash. And while your wallet may not feel that difference, your heart does.

There have been numerous studies done on what motivates employees. Everyone assumes it’s cash – and it is – but surprisingly beyond a pay level that meets an employee’s basic needs, those intangibles mean more. Money really doesn’t buy happiness. It helps. But it is not the only consideration. And you can see the difference between a bar boy whose focus is on his customer’s enjoyment versus those who want to do as little as possible for as much baht as possible. Even when they themselves can’t articulate the difference.

The twist in the bar boy / customer paradigm is that the same can be said of the customer. Those who focus on the amount of cash their orgasm costs them – and what they get for that cash – seldom enjoy themselves as much as those who consider that money secondary. When the state of your penis’ happiness is at play, no one wants to stop and think about what motivates the guy you’re paying to make your best buddy happy. But maybe you should. Because there are orgasms and then there are orgasms. And just a bit of effort can mean the difference between a memorable night in the sack and landing yet another dud.

How happy of an ending you have may depend on how happy you make your boy du jour.

I’d like to tell you I know the secret to making every off you pay for in Thailand a successful one. ‘Cuz then I’d publish this blog on a paid subscription basis and get filthy rich off of your orgasms. But I can’t. Because I’ve had my share of duds too. Although possibly far fewer than you’ve experienced. The small number of bad offs that I have suffered through, after the fact, I’ve chalked up to letting my little head doing the thinking. There were enough warning signals that I shoulda known better. But my successful off batting average is high enough to earn me a spot in the Hall of Fame. And even those that didn’t end as happily as I may have wanted, I’ve often enjoyed just for the companionship of the bar boy I picked. So while I could scam you out of a buck or two for sharing my vast knowledge and experience, the fact is you already know the answer. Because what promises to ensure you get the most out of the interaction you have with a bar boy is no different than what motivates you in your own personal interactions with others.

As anti established religion as I am, most of the major faiths share a common tenet that holds true. In Christianity it reads ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. Uh, that’s about how you treat them, not how good of a blow job you give. Conversely, for the glass half full folks and those who often land a dud, there’s ‘You reap what you sow’. The positive aspects in your interactions with others, those things they do or say that make you feel good, are no different than what a bar boy will find attractive about you. Regardless of how unattractive you are. A bit of respect goes a long way. Flattery even further. Everyone (well, most of us) would prefer spending our time with someone who is fun to be around, with someone with a smile on his face rather than a dour look that broadcasts his widespread resentment in life. And never underrate the importance of status to a Thai. He gets his from yours. And you get yours from the pride you show in yourself. You may scoff at such basic measures, but they mean a lot in Thailand. And those are the things that really get a bar boy off when he’s being offed.

Empathy too matters. Especially for those frequent posters on the gay Thailand message boards who like to claim bar boys are nothing more than prostitutes and should be treated as such. “Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes” is a well-known adage that can be traced back to the Native American Cherokee tribe; Harper Lee rephrased that sentiment in To Kill A Mockingbird when she wrote, “You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” That doesn’t just mean you shouldn’t dismiss a bar boy’s emotional or social needs because of the work that he does, but that you should also consider how your actions impact his both status and his view of you as a customer. Which takes a bit more work. But it is well worth the effort.

Picking which bar boy to spend your time with shouldn’t be your only consideration.

For example, there is currently a thread on one of the gay Thailand message boards about buying a drink at a gogo bar when you already know who you’ll off. In other words, you go to the bar having already picked out the guy you want to take off with the question being are you then obligated to buy a drink – which often serves as a cover charge – or can you just pay the off fee and skedaddle. I cringe whenever sexpats and sex tourists start talking about money on the boards. You’d think saving a buck was their main goal rather than the orgasm they traveled to Thailand in search of. Not surprisingly, everyone who contributed to this thread agreed that under those circumstances you should not have to pony up for the price of a drink; you are not there for the show, you don’t plan on being in the bar any longer than absolutely necessary, and often you may only be there to pay the off fee for a bar boy you already offed – it’s night #2 of your time with him, an unexpected pleasure, and you are only at the bar to pay his off fee again.

At first glance not buying a drink sounds perfectly reasonable. Although I’d question whether being reasonable or saving a few bucks is the motivation behind the act. Nonetheless, I can’t disagree. You are there only to hand over some cash, not to enjoy an evening at the bar. I’ve been in the same situation and arrived at the same conclusion. Primarily because I was thinking of it solely from my point of view. Fortunately the bar boy I was with was also a friend and felt comfortable enough in our relationship to point out what I’d missed.

Bar boys get tons of both status and good-will for bringing a customer back to his bar. The bar manager notices, appreciates the extra income, and will treat that boy accordingly. His barmates also take note of the ‘good’ customer he landed and his status among the group rises. Now you just have to decide which you value more: your $10 or the affect that money has on his self-esteem and the respect he gets from his employer and fellow employees.

Walking a mile in the other guy’s shoes should be a part of your considerations, even when he’s not wearing any.

Using the boards for advice back when I was a newbie, I learned that when you off a bar boy for a week or so it is not unreasonable to barter for a discount on the total of off fees you pay. The logic in that claim was based on two points: the basic idea that when you buy in bulk it should be cheaper, and that since bar boys are not slaves and get one day off per week, you shouldn’t have to pay an off fee for his day off. I dismissed the former. Bartering for off fees or tips based on the idea that you are owed a discount, or that neither the boy or the bar would otherwise get seven days worth of pay, is just plain cheapskate thinking. The little bit of money you save will cost you much more in the long run. But the latter made sense. Why should I pay a bar an off fee to cover a night when the boy would not be working at that bar anyway?

In this case it was a bar owner who provided me with the glimpse into the bar boy’s side of the equation. And again, it had not been a viewpoint I’d considered myself. Despite what we may think, a week in Phuket, for example, is not the jolly holiday for a bar boy that it would appear to be. It’s a stressful seven days of being away from his friends and family, spending 24 hours a day trying to take care of you, his customer. By paying that ‘extra’ day’s off fee, when he gets back to Bangkok he gets a free night off. Otherwise he ‘used’ his regular day off on your trip. And has to go right back to work again. That may matter little to you, but matters greatly to him.

It’s easy to think of the guys who work in the bars as sex objects because it is because of sex that we meet them. But they are human beings too and have the same emotional needs as everyone else. Even those who have become hardened from the years they’ve spent working in the bars. It’s amazing how something as simple as stopping on the way back to your hotel so he can have something to eat – that’d be food he is used to and enjoys – can make or break your night together. That’s the kind of thing that costs you little but can pay off big time. ‘Cuz a happy bar boy invariably leads to a happy ending. And he might even surprise you and not ask you for taxi money at the end of your time together.

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