If you live in an area subject to frequent displays of nature of the disaster variety, such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, flooding, and days if not weeks of arctic-like weather, you’re probably familiar with the importance of having an emergency preparedness kit at hand to help you survive the accompanying power outages and loss of civil services. And if you are like most people, despite recognizing how important it is to be prepared, you do nothing about it until it’s almost too late, and then descend upon your local grocery store to do your part in hoarding necessary supplies like potable drinking water, batteries, and foodstuff that does not require refrigeration. ‘Cuz nothing says natural disaster like empty shelves at your local Piggly Wiggly.
Civil unrest too can disrupt the flow of normal daily life, and now that the This Is Not A Coup in Thailand has become one – like nobody saw that one coming – the lives of sexpats and sex tourists are beginning to be negatively impacted. While the future of the country is at stake, the real disaster caused by the recent political upheaval has been succinctly put into perspective by Jabba The Butt and his band of fairy men: The bars in Sunee Plaza will soon be a pleasure of the past. Oh the horror. The horror . . .
The most damaging aspect to lives of sexpats is the curfew that has been announced, it runs from 10:00 pm to 5:00 am. Everyone must be off the streets during curfew hours, except for those involved in an emergency such as a run to the hospital or airport. Personally, I can not think of any greater emergency than a bar boy on a short-time off trying to flee from his customer’s hotel room, but the sexperts in these matters feel otherwise. They believe the inherent danger in picking up a bar boy or arranging for a money boy through Gay Romeo is that if you fail to cum before 10:00 you’ll be stuck with having an unexpected over-night guest. But I’m of the when you’re handed a bowl of lemons make lemonade school of thought. To me, that’s a short-time off that lasts for a good 8 hours. That he could not leave is beyond your control. That you then have eight hours to molest him non-stop is just the way the cards fall. So enjoy yourself. And when you finally boot his ass out the next morning when the curfew is over, hand him his 800 baht short-time tip. ‘Cuz that’s all you’d agreed to.
Nonetheless, that means you have to be prepared. Your sex life – which for many sexpats is their entire life – depends on it. So here’s what you need to stock in your Thailand Sexpat Emergency Preparedness Kit:
Bottled Water: Everyone knows how important hydration is. Every sexpat knows how equally important maintaining your alcohol intake can be. At your age everyone expects to see a bit of shakiness in your limbs. But the tremors of alcohol withdrawal are never a pretty site. While you may assume the case of gin you keep in your pantry will see you through any emergency – like when your bar boy tells you he no longer lubs you – when your supply starts running dry there’ll be no reason for panic if you have an ample supply of bottled water at hand. ‘Cuz diluted gin tastes the same as the cheap gin you are used to.
Fleshlight: While the breeders in your condo run around patting themselves on the back for owning a working flashlight, you’ll be safely ensconced in your apartment, sitting in front of your computer monitor watching free porn while your Fleshlight does that patting for you. A flashlight may sound like a good idea, but with the bars and liquor stores closed due to the curfew, there is no good reason for you to ever leave your home. And face it, inside your place the darkness is your friend. I’m sure no money boy has ever asked you to turn on a few more lights. So forget the flashlight and stock a fleshlight in your disaster kit instead. This will be even more necessary if you were unable to convince a money boy to break curfew to come and service you. It ain’t bad at hour three when the one you did convince to come over no longer wants to have anything to do with you too.
Batteries: Nothing is worse than being just moments away from the culmination of your favorite battery-operated sex toy’s hard work only to have its batteries fail. No problemo if you planned ahead and have a spare case tucked into your nightstand drawer next to your lube and condoms. But we’re talking a major disaster of biblical proportions if that’s not the case. Sure you could step out into the hallway and ask one of those breeders running around with flashlights for some spares, but your neighbors are already talking about you and you really don’t need to provide them with yet another reason to report you to an NGO.
Obviously a spare battery for your laptop so that during a power outage you can keep up with the news (that’d be the latest gay Asian porn on X-Tube) is a necessity too. As are spare batteries or a solar battery charger for your cellphone so that your boy du jour too has a ready supply of porn to watch while he is supposed to be servicing you.
Matches: Yes, the irony of you being one of those fussy queens who throws a hissy fit when some poor nicotine addict lights up in a gogo bar having to stock matches in your emergency preparedness kit is priceless. And almost reason enough for you to have to do so. But this one is more about consequences and connecting the dots. When a power outage occurs your apartment’s ventilation system stops working. When your apartment’s ventilation system stops working, the exhaust fan in your bathroom no longer functions. When the exhaust fan in your bathroom no longer functions, your boy du jour will discover what you are really made of even if you did remember to flush. When your boy du jour discovers what you are really made of even if you did remember to flush, he will not want to have anything more to do with you. When your boy du jour no longer wants to have anything to do with you, you’ll quickly run out of your stock of batteries for your favorite sex toys and be forced to resort to using a dildo. When you are forced to use a dildo to pleasure yourself, your friends will all laugh at you for being stuck in the ’90s.
Light a match and don’t let this happen to you.
Condoms: Considering all the other things you do that impact your health negatively, your adherence to practicing safe sex is commendable. Even if like many, you don’t. But condoms are popular among the sexpat community, not because they help prevent STDs, but because the thought of sticking your best buddy where one of your fellow sexpats has cum before is enough to turn anyone’s stomach. And your boy du jour probably isn’t too crazy about the idea of any of your flesh actually touching his flesh either. So stock up on condoms before the need arises and you find yourself without. BTW, the condom you’ve been carrying around in your wallet for six months does not count toward your emergency preparedness kit supply. That’s the ID you show to prove you are a sexpat.
Moist Towelettes: Since we’ve already agreed your stock of bottled water will be used to extend the life of your stock of gin, the need of H2O for sanitary purposes needs to addressed. Your boy du jour, conforming to Thai cultural dictates, will refuse to have sex with you if you do not shower first. Which, with the water turned off makes for an impossible feat (kinda like touching your toes). Sure you could drain a bottle of gin over your head using the alcohol to sterilize your unclean flesh, but we all know when it comes down to the question of alcohol or sex, the booze will win every time. Fortunately, reality is not big among the locals, and a quick wipe down with a moist towelette will pay the lip service needed to get your boy du jour to do his job. They work well for cleaning things up when he’s done and you discover he spits instead of swallows too.
Toilet Paper: Yup, your bum gun won’t be working when the water shuts down too. And that last thing you need is to have your boy du jour using up your stock of moist towelettes to clean up messes from the wrong side. Even if they’re yours.
Little Blue Pills: If you check out on-line advice for emergency preparedness kits for the other 98% of humanity, you’ll find that a stock of required medications is always included. For the sexpat, that means an ample supply of little blue pills (a generic term used for whichever EDS medication you can find at the cheapest price). Nothing is as traumatic than finding yourself with an unwilling playmate stuck in your home for eight hours only to discover you can’t rise to the occasion. That can totally ruin your long-time off at a short-time off price experience. But then as a card-carrying sexpat, you probably keep a week’s supply on hand anyway. So never mind.
Baht: Your boy du jour probably prefers his own brand of medications, like yaba, and won’t want to be responsible for you running short by taking one of your little blue pills to keep him in the shape you prefer: hard. No problemo. Thanks to years of genetic factoring, all Thais respond to a wad of baht in the same way your best buddy responds to those little blue pills. But with eight hours or more to occupy your time, you’ll need several wads to do the job. So keep a handful of lower denomination bills as an emergency stash in your disaster preparedness kit.
First Aid Kit: (See Little Blue Pills)
Documentation: Anywhere in the world, during an emergency it is important to have copies of personal documents (e.g., proof of address, deed/lease to home, passport, birth certificates, and insurance policies) close at hand. In Thailand this list of documentation is not as important as having proof of your boy du jour’s age, preferably via an official government ID card that he didn’t borrow from a friend. Normally this would not be much of a concern. But with the curfew keeping your neighbors home at night, they may begin noticing the parade of suspiciously young looking boys who visit your apartment. And that can mean a visit from the Boys In Brown who will want to see the necessary papers (See Baht.)
Manual Can Opener: Man can not live on gin and sex alone. I know. But really, you can’t. Fortunately, throw a few cans of baked beans into that mix and you can survive for decades. Just look at any of Pattaya’s sexpats for proof. But during a state of emergency, you will not be able to visit your favorite 5-star restaurant in Sunee Plaza for that treat and will have to feed yourself on your own. And since you have difficulties in opening easier packaging, like a condom wrapper, getting into your feast fit for a king will be nigh impossible without the assist of a can opener. Which probably also means an assist from your boy du jour in using it. ‘Cuz technology can be a bitch for septuagenarians.
The Boy Scout motto is Be Prepared, and since you’ve probably done many Boy Scouts in your time, following that advice is the least you can do. Undoubtedly, as in the past, the current coup will be a short one and the army will once again install their favorite political party as the rightful leaders in Thailand. Which is a good thing ‘cuz even watered down your stock of gin won’t last forever.
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