Snarky posts for and about Thailand’s gay sexpats and addicts of oher kinds.

The Thailand Sexpat Guide To Emergency Preparedness Kits

22 Thursday May 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts

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The Thai Army has staged a coup and imposed a country-wide curfew leaving the streets of Bangkok deserted and the lives of sexpats in shambles.

If you live in an area subject to frequent displays of nature of the disaster variety, such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, flooding, and days if not weeks of arctic-like weather, you’re probably familiar with the importance of having an emergency preparedness kit at hand to help you survive the accompanying power outages and loss of civil services. And if you are like most people, despite recognizing how important it is to be prepared, you do nothing about it until it’s almost too late, and then descend upon your local grocery store to do your part in hoarding necessary supplies like potable drinking water, batteries, and foodstuff that does not require refrigeration. ‘Cuz nothing says natural disaster like empty shelves at your local Piggly Wiggly.

Civil unrest too can disrupt the flow of normal daily life, and now that the This Is Not A Coup in Thailand has become one – like nobody saw that one coming – the lives of sexpats and sex tourists are beginning to be negatively impacted. While the future of the country is at stake, the real disaster caused by the recent political upheaval has been succinctly put into perspective by Jabba The Butt and his band of fairy men: The bars in Sunee Plaza will soon be a pleasure of the past. Oh the horror. The horror . . .

The most damaging aspect to lives of sexpats is the curfew that has been announced, it runs from 10:00 pm to 5:00 am. Everyone must be off the streets during curfew hours, except for those involved in an emergency such as a run to the hospital or airport. Personally, I can not think of any greater emergency than a bar boy on a short-time off trying to flee from his customer’s hotel room, but the sexperts in these matters feel otherwise. They believe the inherent danger in picking up a bar boy or arranging for a money boy through Gay Romeo is that if you fail to cum before 10:00 you’ll be stuck with having an unexpected over-night guest. But I’m of the when you’re handed a bowl of lemons make lemonade school of thought. To me, that’s a short-time off that lasts for a good 8 hours. That he could not leave is beyond your control. That you then have eight hours to molest him non-stop is just the way the cards fall. So enjoy yourself. And when you finally boot his ass out the next morning when the curfew is over, hand him his 800 baht short-time tip. ‘Cuz that’s all you’d agreed to.

A supply of bottled water should be part of your emergency preparedness kit. Just don’t allow your boy du jour to waste it by hydrating himself.

Nonetheless, that means you have to be prepared. Your sex life – which for many sexpats is their entire life – depends on it. So here’s what you need to stock in your Thailand Sexpat Emergency Preparedness Kit:

Bottled Water: Everyone knows how important hydration is. Every sexpat knows how equally important maintaining your alcohol intake can be. At your age everyone expects to see a bit of shakiness in your limbs. But the tremors of alcohol withdrawal are never a pretty site. While you may assume the case of gin you keep in your pantry will see you through any emergency – like when your bar boy tells you he no longer lubs you – when your supply starts running dry there’ll be no reason for panic if you have an ample supply of bottled water at hand. ‘Cuz diluted gin tastes the same as the cheap gin you are used to.

Fleshlight: While the breeders in your condo run around patting themselves on the back for owning a working flashlight, you’ll be safely ensconced in your apartment, sitting in front of your computer monitor watching free porn while your Fleshlight does that patting for you. A flashlight may sound like a good idea, but with the bars and liquor stores closed due to the curfew, there is no good reason for you to ever leave your home. And face it, inside your place the darkness is your friend. I’m sure no money boy has ever asked you to turn on a few more lights. So forget the flashlight and stock a fleshlight in your disaster kit instead. This will be even more necessary if you were unable to convince a money boy to break curfew to come and service you. It ain’t bad at hour three when the one you did convince to come over no longer wants to have anything to do with you too.

Batteries: Nothing is worse than being just moments away from the culmination of your favorite battery-operated sex toy’s hard work only to have its batteries fail. No problemo if you planned ahead and have a spare case tucked into your nightstand drawer next to your lube and condoms. But we’re talking a major disaster of biblical proportions if that’s not the case. Sure you could step out into the hallway and ask one of those breeders running around with flashlights for some spares, but your neighbors are already talking about you and you really don’t need to provide them with yet another reason to report you to an NGO.

Obviously a spare battery for your laptop so that during a power outage you can keep up with the news (that’d be the latest gay Asian porn on X-Tube) is a necessity too. As are spare batteries or a solar battery charger for your cellphone so that your boy du jour too has a ready supply of porn to watch while he is supposed to be servicing you.

A friend in need is a friend indeed, and nothing says friendship like a Fleshlight.

Matches: Yes, the irony of you being one of those fussy queens who throws a hissy fit when some poor nicotine addict lights up in a gogo bar having to stock matches in your emergency preparedness kit is priceless. And almost reason enough for you to have to do so. But this one is more about consequences and connecting the dots. When a power outage occurs your apartment’s ventilation system stops working. When your apartment’s ventilation system stops working, the exhaust fan in your bathroom no longer functions. When the exhaust fan in your bathroom no longer functions, your boy du jour will discover what you are really made of even if you did remember to flush. When your boy du jour discovers what you are really made of even if you did remember to flush, he will not want to have anything more to do with you. When your boy du jour no longer wants to have anything to do with you, you’ll quickly run out of your stock of batteries for your favorite sex toys and be forced to resort to using a dildo. When you are forced to use a dildo to pleasure yourself, your friends will all laugh at you for being stuck in the ’90s.

Light a match and don’t let this happen to you.

Condoms: Considering all the other things you do that impact your health negatively, your adherence to practicing safe sex is commendable. Even if like many, you don’t. But condoms are popular among the sexpat community, not because they help prevent STDs, but because the thought of sticking your best buddy where one of your fellow sexpats has cum before is enough to turn anyone’s stomach. And your boy du jour probably isn’t too crazy about the idea of any of your flesh actually touching his flesh either. So stock up on condoms before the need arises and you find yourself without. BTW, the condom you’ve been carrying around in your wallet for six months does not count toward your emergency preparedness kit supply. That’s the ID you show to prove you are a sexpat.

Moist Towelettes: Since we’ve already agreed your stock of bottled water will be used to extend the life of your stock of gin, the need of H2O for sanitary purposes needs to addressed. Your boy du jour, conforming to Thai cultural dictates, will refuse to have sex with you if you do not shower first. Which, with the water turned off makes for an impossible feat (kinda like touching your toes). Sure you could drain a bottle of gin over your head using the alcohol to sterilize your unclean flesh, but we all know when it comes down to the question of alcohol or sex, the booze will win every time. Fortunately, reality is not big among the locals, and a quick wipe down with a moist towelette will pay the lip service needed to get your boy du jour to do his job. They work well for cleaning things up when he’s done and you discover he spits instead of swallows too.

Emergency preparedness also means BIB avoidance. Or maybe not.

Toilet Paper: Yup, your bum gun won’t be working when the water shuts down too. And that last thing you need is to have your boy du jour using up your stock of moist towelettes to clean up messes from the wrong side. Even if they’re yours.

Little Blue Pills: If you check out on-line advice for emergency preparedness kits for the other 98% of humanity, you’ll find that a stock of required medications is always included. For the sexpat, that means an ample supply of little blue pills (a generic term used for whichever EDS medication you can find at the cheapest price). Nothing is as traumatic than finding yourself with an unwilling playmate stuck in your home for eight hours only to discover you can’t rise to the occasion. That can totally ruin your long-time off at a short-time off price experience. But then as a card-carrying sexpat, you probably keep a week’s supply on hand anyway. So never mind.

Baht: Your boy du jour probably prefers his own brand of medications, like yaba, and won’t want to be responsible for you running short by taking one of your little blue pills to keep him in the shape you prefer: hard. No problemo. Thanks to years of genetic factoring, all Thais respond to a wad of baht in the same way your best buddy responds to those little blue pills. But with eight hours or more to occupy your time, you’ll need several wads to do the job. So keep a handful of lower denomination bills as an emergency stash in your disaster preparedness kit.

First Aid Kit: (See Little Blue Pills)

Documentation: Anywhere in the world, during an emergency it is important to have copies of personal documents (e.g., proof of address, deed/lease to home, passport, birth certificates, and insurance policies) close at hand. In Thailand this list of documentation is not as important as having proof of your boy du jour’s age, preferably via an official government ID card that he didn’t borrow from a friend. Normally this would not be much of a concern. But with the curfew keeping your neighbors home at night, they may begin noticing the parade of suspiciously young looking boys who visit your apartment. And that can mean a visit from the Boys In Brown who will want to see the necessary papers (See Baht.)

A supply of batteries for your boy’s laptop is a necessity, or else you’ll be needing them to fire up your favorite sex toy instead.

Manual Can Opener: Man can not live on gin and sex alone. I know. But really, you can’t. Fortunately, throw a few cans of baked beans into that mix and you can survive for decades. Just look at any of Pattaya’s sexpats for proof. But during a state of emergency, you will not be able to visit your favorite 5-star restaurant in Sunee Plaza for that treat and will have to feed yourself on your own. And since you have difficulties in opening easier packaging, like a condom wrapper, getting into your feast fit for a king will be nigh impossible without the assist of a can opener. Which probably also means an assist from your boy du jour in using it. ‘Cuz technology can be a bitch for septuagenarians.

The Boy Scout motto is Be Prepared, and since you’ve probably done many Boy Scouts in your time, following that advice is the least you can do. Undoubtedly, as in the past, the current coup will be a short one and the army will once again install their favorite political party as the rightful leaders in Thailand. Which is a good thing ‘cuz even watered down your stock of gin won’t last forever.

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Tinglish For Sex Tourists (AKA Shit Pattaya Sexpats Say To Each Other)

28 Friday Mar 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts

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Gay Thailand

Welcome To Thailand. By which we mean Pattaya. By which we mean Sunee Plaza.

Newbies trying to make heads and tails out of the alphabet soup of local words and place names in Thailand, and the localized lingo used by long-time visitors and expats for their favorite pastime of molesting the tails and heads of locals, have it rough. There’s proper Thai and Thai slang in use, and proper and slang English from a few different native English speaking countries whose language barely resembles each others. Then there’s the slang expats use that means something entirely different in Thailand than anywhere else in the world. And just when they think they’ve caught the gist of a conversation, someone throws in a handful of acronyms that mean nothing outside of Thailand. It makes holding a conversation difficult for newbies, and offers numerous opportunities for communicating something other than what they meant.

That alone would be bad enough, but then along come the gay sex touri and sexpats who have a language all their own. And once you move south into the land of Pattaya, you can’t tell if that’s English they’re speaking, or if it’s just their bottle of gin doing the talking. To help newbies better understand the babble of Pattaya’s fans, here’s a glossary of useful word and phrases and what they really mean:

Thailand: An approximately 8.571 sq mile area just southeast of Bangkok, that everyone else calls Pattaya. At least when they are being nice. Shitsville, Sin City, and The Cesspool By The Sea all work just as well.

Patts: A nickname for Pattaya used by those in-the-know because they are too drunk to pronounce the town’s full name.

Pattaya: The destination in Thailand Boo Hoo is too ashamed to admit to immigration officials that he’s visiting. Also the name used by sexpats for Sunee Plaza, ‘cuz that’s all that really matters.

Bangkok: The city where the airport you use to get to Patts is, of little to no interest to a true sexpats other than for a quick stop-over visit every few years so you can bitch about how expensive the cost of an orgasm on Soi Twilight is.

Phuket: An over-priced tropical Pattaya wannabe down south filled with scam artists and a damn good chance of your being raped and killed. Also known as the beach destination in Thailand those who have a modicum of self-respect visit instead of Patts.

Chiang Mai: A town somewhere up north where a few misguided expats have chosen to live, hardly worth the bus fare as all of the gogo bars and saunas are too spread out and inconvenient to find. Although an occasional photo of a young local lad posted on one of the gay Thailand forums makes sexpats consider a visit may be in order. Until their next shot of gin arrives and reminds them why Patts is all you really need.

Hong Nam: The name of the beach in Pattaya.

Boyfriend: Any Thai lad who’ve you paid to have sex with you more than twice.

Boy Special: Any Thai lad who’ve you paid to have sex with you more than twice, but of whom you are also fond. Because he pretends to be fond of you.

Boy: Any Thai lad who you can pay to have sex with you or who you will be able to pay to have sex with you as soon as he reaches puberty.

Young Boy: Any Thai lad who you can pay to have sex with you while you wait for him to reach puberty.

Money Boy: Any Thai lad who you can pay to have sex with you but who’ll you bitch about later because he took your money to have sex with him.

Customer: (See Boyfriend.)

Walking ATM: The affectionate phrase used by the boys of Pattaya for farang. (See Boyfriend.)

Stunner: A young, malnourished street urchin who on a score of 1 to 10 for looks would rate a -6 but is considered prime beef in Sunee Plaza because he’s of legal age even though he looks to be only 14.

Dud: A moneyboy you’ve paid to have sex with you but who was unable to help you achieve orgasm even though you took a little blue pill.

Scammer: A moneyboy you’ve paid to have sex with you but who didn’t want to bother to help you achieve orgasm because he knew it’d take more than a little blue pill to manage that feat.

Scam: The marketing campaign from the company that makes those little blue pills.

Little Blue Pill: A generic term used for Viagra, an EDS medication that sexpats are too cheap to buy and instead purchase inexpensive knock-off versions from India so they can bitch about what a scam Viagra is.

Yaba: A from of methamphetamine popular in Thailand among money boys that helps them forget what they are expected to do with customers who take little blue pills.

Pattaya Floating Market: The local’s phrase for a sexpat enjoying the beach in Pattaya.

Hansum Man: A phrase used by bar boys to help snare customers that every sexpat knows is a lie. Unless the bar boy is your boyfriend. Then its the truth. Because he’s different. (See Boy Special.)

Jai Dee: A Thai phrase meaning ‘good heart’ which in bar boy speak means ‘sucker’. Unless the bar boy is your boyfriend. Then it’s the truth. Because he’s different. (See Boyfriend.)

Flying Farang: A sexpat who discovered his Boy Special actually wasn’t different

Pedophile: The improper term used by rude people who just don’t understand pederasty.

PLU: An acronym for People Like Us, used by the general gay community to mean other homosexuals, and used in Pattaya to mean fellow sexpats. (See Pedophile.)

Pattaya Street Kids Support Project : One of several Pattaya-based charities that sexpats and sex touri donate to because they are jai dee and care about the plight of Pattaya’s street kids. And they let you ‘sponsor’ your very own child. (See Young Boy.)

Pattaya’s Street Kids: One of the numerous children who hang out around Sunee Plaza until they are old enough to work in Sunee Plaza. (See Money Boy)

Take Care: A Pattaya-based charity promoting safe sex that sexpats and sex touri donate to because they are jai dee and care about the plight of their boyfriend’s penis.

Safe Sex: The free condoms and lube suppled by Take Care.

Love: The Thai word for baht.

Gay Friendly: Usually used in discussions about hotels to mean an establishment that allows you to bring a prostitute back to your room, it is also sometimes used in discussion of areas of SE Asia where local practice allows (or disallows) you to bring a prostitute back to your hotel room.

Guest House: A Gay Friendly establishment where a retired sexpat and his Boy Special offer cheap, down-market accommodations to sex tourists.

Fine Dining: Any restaurant in Pattaya that offers canned pork and beans on its menu.

Brothel: (See Bar.)

Bar: A small, dingy establishment that sells cheap booze as a disguise for its true purpose. (See Brothel.)

Off Fee: Also known as a bar fine, this is the fee charged by bars to take an employee back to your hotel room. (See Scam.)

Bar Owner: The idiot who you expect to warmly greet you by name and immediately respond to your every complaint, and/or bit of business advice, because you drink a 49 baht beer at his establishment at least once a month.

Mamasan: A local that bar owners hire to run interference so they do not have to deal with customers who expect to be warmly greeted by name and be immediately responded to for every complaint, or bit of business advice, they make because they drink a 49 baht beer at the establishment at least once a month.

Ladyboy: A derisive term used by sexpats for their young, effeminate boyfriend who they just dumped because, surprise, he started wearing makeup. (Although usually the farang’s disgruntlement is actually over the cost of the sex-change operation his boyfriend thought he should pay for.)

Sunee Plaza: A dirty, down-market area of Pattaya catering to elderly farang sex touri looking for their next Thai boyfriend. Also known among sex tourists as heaven.

The Beach: A stretch of dirty sand alongside Pattaya’s polluted waters where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open.

Hong Nam: The Thai word for toilet. Also a place where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open.

Royal Garden Shopping Centre: A shopping mall in Pattaya where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open. (See Hong Nam.)

Central Festival: A shopping mall in Pattaya where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys who are not their boyfriend while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open.

Thai Massage: The service offered by any one of numerous massage shops in Pattaya where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open. (See Happy Ending.)

Happy Ending: In Bangkok a happy ending is the orgasm you enjoy at the end of a massage. In Pattaya it is the orgasm you did not manage to achieve at the end of a massage, but are just as happy with because now you can bitch to your fellow sexpats about the crappy experience you had. (See Dud)

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A First Timer’s Visit To Gay Pattaya – Part 1: A Pattaya State Of Mind

11 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

Pattaya is a beautiful tropical paradise, a seaside resort town in exotic Thailand where your deepest wishes and desires can come true.

My story is not that unusual, although at the time it was happening I thought it was. Being a newbie to Thailand, I’d never realized how many falang on holiday meet, and fall in love with, a local lad. That must be why they call it the Land Of Smiles – how could you not walk around smiling all the time when some gorgeous young man you just met professes his love for you? I know, the doubters out there will scoff. The disgruntled will claim it’s not real love, it’s not a genuine relationship. But they are wrong. They don’t know. When Ait looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me, the truth of those emotions shine through. So I thought I’d share my story to show you that you can in fact find love in Thailand. Because it happened to me.

When you are a single gay American far too quickly sliding into your golden years, life can be lonely. I’m successful professionally, enjoy the love of my nuclear family and of my small circle of like-minded friends, and have enough hobbies and interests to occupy my time. But a loving relationship passed me by and I had no one to share my life with. In my younger days, finding sexual partners was never a problem. As I’ve put on the years that has become more difficult. Those I’m attracted to are still those I used to score in my 20s and 30s. Unfortunately, few of them are interested in me now that I’m in my 60s. And those that are, are in to daddies. Which wouldn’t be a problem except it just isn’t very erotic to be reminded how old and out of shape I am right in the middle of an orgasm.

The internet helped expanded my base of possible sex partners, but didn’t do much toward adding more notches to my bed post. And far too often the 30-year-old hottie I’d been corresponding with turned into a 60-year-old man who was just as lonely and desperate as me. A few of those guys – those who realized and accepted that we would never be lovers or even fuck buddies – became internet friends, people I could talk with who shared my likes and dislikes, and with whom I could discuss how badly it sucks to be a single gay man in his 60s. But then I meet Tom, a happy sort of bloke who started telling me about the wonders of Thailand.

The busy road to Pattaya attests to what a popular vacation spot it is.

Tom had been visiting Thailand for over 20 years. He sang the praises of a beautiful beach town where crystal clear waters and sandy white beaches ringed with palm trees provided an exotic tropical setting for a nonstop parade of beautiful brown-skinned young men, all of whom were looking for a companion just like me. Pattaya, he said, was heaven on Earth, and he told me of the gay bars where younger gay locals gathered in hopes of meeting an older Westerner. Tom was a nice guy and while I had no reason to doubt him, his story just sounded too good to be true. But a bit of research on the internet said differently. Paradise in fact was real. And it was calling my name.

Lured by the siren’s song promising everything I was looking for in my life, I paid to expedite getting a passport (having never been out of the country before) and booked a round trip ticket for the next month. That time flew by though I vacillated between thinking my departure date would never arrive and wishing I could put it off just a bit longer to give me more time for picking out my clothes for the trip. Clothing suitable for the tropics and beach wear are not the easiest choices when you are used to using your wardrobe to hide your physical faults rather than exposing them for the world to see. But Tom was of great help. He told me most of the gentlemen of our age wore the skimpiest of bathing suits in Pattaya, secure in their knowledge that the local boys all tend to lust after aged physiques; rolls of fat, sagging pecs, wrinkles and all.

The big date finally arrived and after an excruciatingly long flight squeezed into a seat at the back of the plane that was certainly never intend to accommodate a man of my stature, I landed in Bangkok, tired, worn, and yes, a bit grumpy. The long walk to Immigration was a bit of a challenge, and the clamor of the crowds waiting in the arrivals hall an assault on the senses. Not sure of where to go to arrange transportation, but knowing there was no way I could afford the limousine service offered by the friendly young girls at the baggage area, I stepped outside looking for a quiet place I could rest for a minute while I gathered my wits about me. But the gods were looking over me and no sooner had I walked beyond the terminal’s doors I heard a loud clapping and the sing-song voice of a local women calling to me, “Pattaya transpo!” her lilting voice sang from above. I looked up, caught her eye, smiled, and got in return on of those beautiful Thai smiles filled with warmth and greeting.

The quaint village homes on the outskirts of Pattaya may not be luxurious but do show pride of ownership.

An athletic sort, quicker than I ever imagined possible, she hustled down to my level, grabbed my bags, and led me to the car she had waiting for me. And just my luck I’d managed to find the transpo service offering one of the lowest prices in town, as she explained to me while trying to make heads or tails out of the colorful handful of local currency I had obtained at the ATM I finally pulled out the 2,500 baht fee required. Smiles all around – and you really have to visit Thailand to understand just how much those smiles are filled with love for you, a complete stranger – the nice transpo lady even took the time to explain to me the local custom on tipping. She also helpfully explained that falang, the word she’d been using in discussing my travel arrangements with her driver, was Thai for Honored Guest. In any case, I have to say that 200 baht tip was worth every penny spent considering the quick and efficient manner she and my driver got me out of the airport and onto the road.

Being from California, I’m used to witnessing the driving skills of the Asian people, but must admit I was unprepared for a highway filled with Oriental drivers. I suppose you could put a positive spin on the experience and consider it a free ride in a demolition derby, but I must admit I was a bit unnerved by the constant speed fluctuations and lane changes that are the norm on Thailand roadways. I tried to ask my driver to slow down, but he spoke little English. He did understand enough to recognize my concern though and pointed to the small golden statue of a fat bald-headed Chinese man on his dashboard and said, “No problem! Buddha take care of you!” That was my first introduction to how religious Thais are and how their religion is such an integral part of their daily lives.

Unfortunately Buddha must not be a fan of speeding – I tried to decipher how fast we were travelling, but the car’s speedometer used the metric system so I couldn’t quite compute what 80 meant in real numbers – and we had the great misfortune to be pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle. (As a side note I have to mention as a warning to other first time visitors to a foreign land that you have to be careful to not make faulty assumptions. For example, just before we got pulled over I could have sworn my driver was flagging down the policeman. But that would just be silly. I mean who asks to get a ticket?) Anyway, under Thai law when you are in a taxi, as the passenger you are responsible for paying for traffic violations, and while that could have ruined my entire holiday the Thai government has set up a system for you to pay traffic fines on the spot. So 1,000 baht later we were back on our way – and really, if you think about it, $30 for a speeding ticket is pretty damn cheap!

Pattaya residents detest litterbugs and instead carefully place their trash curbside for pick-up.

We made a quick stop to fill the car up with gasoline (note: when you arrange transpo at the airport, the cost of gas is not included) and by the time I paid the toll my once healthy wad of baht had shrunk to a pittance. Knowing I still needed to give the driver his tip when we arrived at my hotel (the nice lady back at the airport had suggested 500 baht was a fair amount) I was a bit concerned, but my driver knew of a money exchange place where we could stop, and though the rate of exchange was much lower than at the airport, my wallet was filled again and we were good to go.

Coming into town, the first signs of civilization were not the picture postcard paradise that Tom had led me to believe to expect. In fact, back home the small pockets of residential housing we passed would be called slums. But in Thailand they are called villages, and as obviously poor as the inhabitants were, almost every shack proudly sported a satellite tv dish. It would have been a bit depressing, but I reminded myself that Thailand is still a developing country, and while the locals may be poor in some ways, from the gatherings of old men sitting shirtless out in front of a few of the shacks, I had to assume they were rich in their sense of community.

My driver had been so helpful during our trip that I hated to disappoint him when we got into town, he knew of a hotel that offered a much better rate than I’d arranged for, but since my stay was prepaid I couldn’t take him up on his offer. He even got confused at one point and told me the hotel I’d booked was closed, but that was an understandable mistake to make what with there being so many places to stay in town who’d expect anyone to keep them all straight?

My beautifully decorated city-view deluxe premium room at Le Cafe Royal.

The town of Pattaya wasn’t quite what I had expected either. Rather than the palm tree shaded tropical beach resort I had pictured, it was a bit on the dirty side, with lots of concrete, exposed electrical lines, dusty sun bleached signage – much of it surprisingly in Russian – and congested streets teeming with those on holiday and never-ending lines of vehicles crawling along its dilapidated streets instead of the exotic tropical vegetation shaded boulevards I’d envisioned. But then I assumed they saved the good stuff for the beach and before I knew it we’d pulled up in front of my new home away from home, Le Café Royale, a local inn Tom had suggested that catered to a gay clientele and whose website proudly proclaimed a major refurbishment in 2009 with the addition of new rooms, and even hallways and décor!

In the laid back way that Thais are known for, and which I’d soon come to know and love, it took about 15 minutes before the registration desk clerk showed up, but that gave me time to savor the quaint lobby and adjoining eatery that I’d be calling home for the next week. Open to the outside, and comfortable I was sure once the balmy seaside breezes kicked in, the cafe already had a good number of visitors, many sitting with a local friend who often looked young enough to be their grandson.

At first I was a bit taken back. I’d never seen so many grumpy, unhappy faces in one place before. Even the young local boys didn’t seem happy to be there. But then I realized it was already late in the afternoon and I figured those weren’t frowns of displeasure but rather the tired faces of a bunch of men and boys who’d already spent hours exhausting themselves participating in all of the beach activities Pattaya has to offer – I couldn’t wait myself to try my hand at a jet ski. And the boys, each and everyone of them engrossed in their cell phone, were undoubtedly busy making arrangements for their night on the town. I was sure I too would be soon joining them, nestled up to a glass of gin while waiting to get my second wind before retiring back to my room to change into evening wear for a night out at Pattaya’s bars and clubs.

Next up: Jomtien Beach, here I come!

At my age I’d prefer to not walk up any more flights of stairs than necessary, but the desk clerk told me the elevator was finit so I slowly made my way to my beautifully decorated, Thai-design room (Thais are evidently deeply into minimalism) where the bell hop, recognizing my fatigue from all the hours of travel, offered to give me a soothing Thai massage for 1,500 baht, which sounded like a great deal but I was just too puckered out to take advantage of. Instead I unpacked and flopped down on my bed for a nap so I’d be refreshed and could head down to the gay beach for the sunset.

All good stories must come to an end, so obviously this one will go on for quite some time yet. Next up I’ll cover my first visit to gay Jomtien Beach, and my first night out at the bars where I immediately met Ait, my new boyfriend, and quickly fell in love.

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Happy Wisakha Bucha Day!

24 Friday May 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts

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And More!

Today in Thailand is Wisakha Bucha Day, one of the more important Buddhist observances that commemoraties the birth, enlightenment, and passing of the Buddha, all of which occurred on the same date (um, but in different years). The country’s sexpat population celebrates the event as they do with all major Buddhist holidays by bitching about bars being closed and booze not being served. Since I covered the Buddhist take on the holiday last year, I thought I’d honor the day by looking at it from the sexpat point of view this time around by commemorating the life cycle of their love affair with the bottle. I should probably also note, while we are on the subject, that today is World Schizophrenia Day. Just sayin’.

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Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Water Buffalo* (But Were Afraid To Ask)

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Dancing With the Devil, Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts, The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

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That's Gay

Much like sexpats in love, the water buffalo is an integral part of the Thai economy.

If you are a regular visitor to Thailand, even if you have never seen one, you are probably familiar with the ubiquitous water buffalo. You may have well even contributed to buying a few in your time. A staple of the Thai agriculture scene and an integral part of rural village life, the buffalo has been a major part of Thai village life for centuries.

In rural areas of Thailand, buffaloes are considered a companion and friend especially to children who grow up with the family’s buffalo and often spend all day tending to and playing with their buffalo. Since only a small number of buffaloes are raised per village household, farmers take care of each animal individually and they call each of their buffalo by name. And as with farm life all over the world, young Thai men often discover the wonders of buffalo-companionship as they mature from boy to man.

It’s no wonder then that those who decide to seek fame and fortune in larger cities like Pattaya find a different, but alarmingly similar type of cash cow among the farang population. Those who wonder how a straight bar boy can manage to ‘perform’ need only consider how little difference there is between a sexpat’s rear-end and that of the boy’s family’s buffalo. Though it probably isn’t quite as tight.

The affection bar boys have for their farang are undoubtedly an extension of their general good will and feelings toward their buffalo back home. Like the buffalo, many of Pattaya’s sexpats have big feet and walk with slow plodding steps. And the bellowing and snorting noises a buffalo makes is not all that different from the strange sounds made by sexpats too. Both tend to have oversized bellies, enjoy spending the day wallowing in and near water, and both, to a Thai, are seen as being stupid and often stubborn. Throw in the fact that sexpats too can be trained to provide a living for the boy’s entire family and you can easily see why bar boys are so happy to add another daft animal to their extended family.

It is easy for a Thai bar boy to confuse the money he gets from a farang for a new buffalo with a new motorcy as the two are so similar in looks and use.

But as important as the sexpat version of buffalo are to the Thai economy, the bovine version has a much longer historical presence. Since it always pays to know who your competition is, here is everything you never wanted to know about water buffalo in Thailand:

The swamp buffalo is the indigenous buffalo in Thailand. The Department of Animal Science at Kasetsart University introduced river buffalo into Thailand in the late 1950s.

Most of the swamp buffalo in Thailand are completely black in color. Only a few of them are white in color. The white buffalo are not albino; the color is due to genetic defects.

The Thai swamp buffalo can be used to work up to 14 years old without problems.

On average, the buffalo works 5 hours a day, 122 days a year.

With the help of water buffaloes, farmers can plant up to five times more crops than they could by hand.

It usually takes four to six weeks for a full training including threading a rope through the buffalo’s nose to guide the animal, plowing training, ability to make turns.

An adult water buffalo produces 6 tons of manure per year, which is used to fertilize farm land.

Water buffaloes’ nutrient-rich milk is a staple in the rural Thai diet.
Female buffalo can and do have healthy offspring even when older than 20 years.

Male buffalo are often castrated to increase their size and value as draft animals.

In 2012, a buffalo gave birth to a human-like baby in Thailand. Its face was similar to human though its hands and feet were more like a buffalo. It passed away immediately after it was born.

Buffalo contribute more red meat than cattle to the Thai market (About 400,000 buffaloes are slaughtered for meat each year.)

A buffalo carcass will contain 40.8 to 46.4% usable meat based on live weight. (And now you know why steak is so cheap at Sizzler.)

On average, mature male buffalo weigh 450 – 600 kg in weight. The mature females weigh 350 – 450 kg.

Buffalo fought alongside their owners on the battlefields during the Ayudhaya period.

A large male buffalo costs about 25,000 baht in Northern Thailand where they are used in agriculture. The same sized buffalo used for competitive sport can cost as much as 100,000 baht.

HRH King Bhumibol started the Buffalo Bank in the mid-1970s with a donation of 200 animals. Rather than purchase an animal, farmers can rent a buffalo for three years before it has to be given back to the bank to be reissued to another farmer.

Thailand owned the largest buffalo population and was the buffalo champion of South East Asian countries in the 1970s. Since then the population has decreased by 26% and some experts predict that there will be no more buffalo used in Thailand for agriculture purposes within 10 years. There is no predicted expiration date for the custom of buffalo purchased by farang for their Thai boyfriend.

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Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: The Perfect Gift For Pattaya Aficionados

16 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts, Holiday Gift Guide, It's A Gay World, The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ 9 Comments

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You’ve all been there. Or at least you have if you are a fan of Pattaya. You’re sitting in one of your favorite bars in Sunee Plaza, trying to act respectable for a change, when the bar boy you’ve been ogling stops by your table, whips out his dick, and shoves it in your face. That’s a timely reminder that since you are spending your night in Sunee there is no good reason for you to fake being respectable. In fact, doing so could get you thrown out of the bar. Throwing decorum to the wind then, you do what any sex starved octogenarian sextouri or sexpat would do and reach out to touch someone. But wait! Danger Will Robinson! Who knows who else has been fondling that penis? And god knows what exotic sexually transmitted diseases you could catch if that someone turns out to be LMTU.

We all know about the nasty germs you can pick up in public places, microscopic little buggers passed on from those who have come before you. So just imagine the dangers of putting your hands in public pubic places. Especially those where LMTU has cum before you. Just the idea of touching something that LMTU has already fondled is enough to make any grown sexpat cry. Or start eyeballing the nearest high-rise for an available balcony. But then what are you suppose to do? Not diddle the bar boys you paid a whopping $3 for a beer to have the right to molest?

What happens in Pattaya, Stays in Pattaya.
Except for STDs.
Protect yourself and the ones you pay to love you.

A bottle of Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer is the answer and the perfect gift for the Pattaya aficionado who wants to kill off almost everything except his unhygienic ways. And if in fact those genitals have been played with by LMTU, that barely legal bar boy will appreciated your drenching his crotch with half a bottle of this stuff too. That’s even better than the 20 baht you were going to tip him for your pleasure.

Being the cheap bastard that you probably are since Sunee Plaza is your favorite haunt, you may think any hand sanitizer would do the trick. But the Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer has been specifically formulated to kill off even the nastiest bugs, the type that cottaging fans easily pick up from spending their evenings kneeling is skanky public loos. We’re talking about the type of germs that would even make crabs want to delouse themselves. Genital herpes and anal warts viruses don’t stand a chance against the new and improved Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer, available in both its original and new “Smells Like Innocence” fragrances.

Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer also works well as a douche in emergency situations.

This holiday season, pick up a bottle of Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer for every sexpat on your Christmas list. It’s the perfect gift for the man who has everything, but who doesn’t want to catch anything from the man who has had everything.

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Sexting For The Sex Tourist

18 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts

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Sexting, for the sex touri, can open a whole new world of possibilities.

Ah, the wonders of technology. Billions of dollars and billions of brain cells have been devoted to bringing us the modern marvel of cell phones, and man has responded by figuring out the multiple uses of this technological wonder to help get him laid. Yup, sex sells regardless of how you dress it up or try to spin it. Numerous celebrities and politicians have already discovered the publicity generating power of sending pictures of their no longer private parts out into the universe, and the masses barely discovered texting before it evolved into the much more popular form of sexting. Welcome to today’s favorite form of communication.

Sexting can be a great boon for the sex touri of Thailand. Often attempting to engage a non-native English speaker, sexting does not rely on the use of proper English but rather textural symbols and acronymical series of letters are commonly understood by farang and Thai alike. And since being a sex touri and a cheap bastard so often goes hand in hand, communicating your desires via SMS brings you not only the potential of an orgasm but the orgasmic joy of hitting on a hottie for free or at little cost; instead of grasping money, sex touri can use their shaky, arthritic fingers to press the least number of impossibly small buttons on their cell phone’s keyboard.

As adept as gay men are at figuring out how to get laid, sexting is not a natural choice for the majority of sex touri, who generally are senior citizens. Part of that is due to their innate fear of technology, part is due to their failure to remain relevant in today’s world of fast flying communication. That leaves many sex touri wondering two things: “What exactly is this sexting?” and, “Where can I get me some?”

Your cell phone is not just for phoning home anymore.

To start off your salacious SMS career, here is a handy Making Sense of Sexting Guide to help Thailand’s sex touri put the ‘mature adult’ back into ‘mature adults only’:

Understanding Sexting:
Sexting takes three basic forms. There are cute and flirty sayings fully spelled out – think of them as pick up lines for SMS use. While useful when communicating with an established partner whom you are trying to get into the mood, much like traditional pick up lines using the digital version is rarely a successful ploy in landing a hottie.

Yes, there is a certain cache to text messaging: “The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor,” but as provocative as the idea may sound to you, Thais think the only appropriate place for sex is in a bed so you just revealed yourself to not only being a fat, disgusting farang, but a kinky one to boot. And while “Are your feet tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running around in my dreams all night,” certainly sounds like a romantic come-on, your potential hottie will probably send over his grandmother to give you a foot massage rather than show up himself.

Language and cultural differences can be problematic when sexting with a Thai.

You may think “I wish you were a screen door, so I could slam you all day long” is the epitome of high jinx humor, but Thais prefer their humor to be more of the slapstick variety and well-telegraphed in advance; it’s difficult to properly set up a gag line in texting. Pick up line-like sexting by farang also opens the door to your using foreign phrases undecipherable to a Thai – few of them know what a screen door is, so your joke, and success in scoring both just fell flat. Attempting to be witty, sexy, and to build up sexual tension all at the same time is no easy task. That’s why there are so few successful porn screenwriters. Your best bet is to follow the age old adage of KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid.

A picture is worth a thousand words, and will save lots of wear and tear on your thumb while texting. Thanks to the handy little cameras that come with all cell phones these days, sending digital pix has become routine. For gay men this has saved a lot of time and trouble. Now when someone you are just meeting digitally ask the invariable, “How big is it?” rather than rely on your ruler for complicated numbers, you can just click and shoot off a quick snap of your little buddy. I’ve found a bit of photoshopping first – such as pasting in a diminutive shot of the Eiffel Tower in the background – can greatly enhance your response rate. But the poor use of technology can be a dangerous thing.

Undoubtedly you are quite attached to your mini-me and like most guys think it is the absolutely finest looking dick the world has ever seen. Others may disagree. And when you send that shot out over the airwaves, it may be that your intended is sitting with a bunch of his friends who will all begin laughing uproariously. And noting your cell phone number so that when you later try to score them they know not to answer your call.

You’ve probably heard that the camera adds 10 pounds. If you are a man of less stature, that’s wishful thinking. Sure, yours will still look bigger than the average Thai’s, but most Thai guys have some experience with farang, and in their experience it’s not about playing an advanced version of Where’s Waldo. On the other hand if only 35% of your self portrait fits onto the screen, you’ll scare away all but the most devoted bottoms.

Be sure the naked shots you sext don’t make him put his clothes back on.

Full body shots can also be problematic. If Steve Jobs was such a god, he would have figured out a way to block cell phone cameras from recording any body that scores below a 7. Sex touri need to be honest with themselves. No one is ever going to use your ancient flabby body as a model for the ;latest version of David. While it may be nice to warn your intended on just what he is getting himself into, this is what you’re most likely to get sexted back when you send off that nude photo:

“Why you wear bathrobe?”

“I’m not wearing a robe, that’s me naked.”

“Oh, Sorry, Thought all those creases and wrinkles were robe. Dat explain why you robe not have belt.”

The Use Of Emoticons:
The third form of texting is the one you should be using. It is the popular and widespread use of emoticons and acronyms. Using abbreviated forms of words and phrases demonstrates that while you still think rap is ghetto music, you are in fact a youthful and cool dude. The added benefit is that while the local boy you are trying to score may not know much English, there is a good chance he will know what those acronyms stand for. And if he does know good English, using abbreviations will help disguise the fact that even though you are a native English speaker, your proficiency is so lacking that most of your fellow countrymen have to decipher what you are attempting to say.

Of course using the short hand version of sexting means you need to know the more popular acronyms, symbols, and abbreviations in use, and what they mean. Some are used world-wide, some are Thai-centric. For example you won’t run across 55555 back in your home country, but will frequently while in Thailand. Or at least at the same frequency as you send out those fully naked body shots of yours.

Elsewhere used for monkey or orangutan, in Thailand the boys use it among themselves for farang.

Depending on the cell phone you use and how ancient it is, emoticons may appear in either their textual or graphical form. The original and still widely used smiley face is generally understood by all. Winks, hearts, and roses are all popular too but require translation into graphics. They also require translation into the Thai mind. A big heart to you may mean that you love what you see, to a Thai moneyboy it is a lifelong commitment to taking care of him, his family, and a good portion of his village. Just be glad no one has yet come up with an emoticon for a dead buffalo.

Here is a handy list of text-based emoticons you’ll be able to use while in Thailand.

8=======D
(Farang)

8====D
(Thai)

8=D
(Chinese)

( . )( . )
(Ladyboy)

$__$
(Moneyboy)

~:B
(Traditionally this meant Bad Hair, Bad Teeth. You can use it to reference the British.)

*/
.|.
—(Flying Farang)

I lied earlier, there is an emoticon for “my buffalo died”

$:-) : 8==D
(Yes, I am a moneyboy, also used for Yes, I am Thai)

(_|_) !
(Cute ass!)

(__|__)
(Sexpat)

(___T___)
(Pattaya sexpat at the beach)

:-p
(Despite what you may think, this is not an offer to rim you)

:-} o|o
(Lick my balls. Note that this type of request from you will usually generate the following response from a Thai: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$)

8==D ~ ~ 0-: ?
(Do you swallow? Note that being hanged up on is the same as a no.)

8==D (_!_)
(Anal. With a question mark added it’s for asking if you can fuck him. This is a useful tool at the gogo bar when trying to define just exactly what ‘everything’ means.)

Some of Thailand’s hottest men are only a SMS away.

WTF?: Sexting Acronyms:
A slight step up from emoticons is the use of acronyms. If you think LOL is an abbreviated closing salutation meaning Lots Of Love, you may want to try hanging out with a few guys under the age of 60 before trying your hand at sexting. On the other hand, if you immediately know what TMMPFS* means, you are probably sexting someone as you read this.
The biggest problem with acronym sexting in Thailand is that many of the more commonly used abbreviations either don’t translate well or are inapplicable for use in the Land of Smiles. Here is a list of some that you should be careful in using:

143: Traditionally this meant I Love You. In Thailand it is the moneyboy’s version of Sawatdee.

IWSN: I Want Sex Now. A waste of thumb use, you are a farang, of course you want sex now.

LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life. Real life has nothing to do with Thailand, that it is a fantasy world is why you travel there in the first place. Besides a Thai guy is not going to be sexting with you just for the fun of it. Just punch in your hotel room number and be done with it.

TDTM: Talk Dirty To Me. Yeah Baby! If you get this message from a Thai guy, try the following reply on for size: I have already reached my daily ATM withdrawal limit. You can’t get any dirtier than that in Thailand.

GYPO: Get Your Pants Off. Good luck with that. Even the most experienced moneyboy keeps his goods under wraps up to and including getting into bed.

JEOMK: Just Ejaculated On My Keyboard. A nice abbreviation to tell a guy how hot you think he is, there are two possible outcomes when using this one in Thailand. The guy will quit sexting with you assuming you really did cum (which means you got a freebie off him and are no longer of any use for the night) or he will immediately come to your hotel room, assuming he’ll score a tip without any additional work since you’ve already blown your wad.

IWTJOIADFY**
In Thailand, cool it with the kink until you get him to your hotel room.

FWB: Friends With Benefits. Ask any Thai guy if he wants to be FWB with you and the answer will be yes. You may think this means lots of fuck buddy sex; he’ll assume he’s in line for a new cell phone, some gold jewelry, and a new motocy.

DUSL: Do You Scream Loud? No need to inquire, when he sees your naked body that scream will be shrill enough to wake the dead. And I don’t mean your dick.

IF/IB: in the front or in the back. If the Thai guy sexting with you asks, note he is not interested in your preferred position but rather which pocket you keep your wallet in.

N/L/L: This is a useful abbreviation used by bar boys for their real life greeting of “Where you from? Where you stay” How long you stay Thailand?” The traditional reply is, “I lie you.”

As a typical sex touri (i.e., Caucasian, elderly, not in the best of shape) these additional acronyms may be of use:

LOLTIHC: Laughing Out Loud Turning Into Hacking Cough

ROTFBICGBU: Rolling On The Floor Because I Can’t Get Back Up

KT: Kids Today . . .

IHTTMN: I Have To Take My Nitroglycerin

PFTLOCSC911: Please, for the Love of Christ, Somebody Call 911!

(*That Makes My Pants Feels Smaller)
(**I Want To Jack Off Into A Diaper For You)

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In Defense Of Sex Tourism

08 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts

≈ 3 Comments

Sex Tourism puts the world at your fingertips. Or at least at the end of one of your appendages.

Medical tourism gets a big thumbs up from everybody all around the world. Tell your friends you are flying to Bangkok for a major medical procedure in a first class hospital for a quarter of the price it’d cost you back home and they all think you are a god. Hell, tell them you are flying off to a developing country for a stint at a rehab clinic to rid yourself of your latest addiction and you’ll still get satisfactory nods of encouragement. Tell them you are flying to Bangkok for tons of cheap sex with a line-up of incredibly hot guys and their opinion of you drops a bit. Sex tourists get no respect. And that just ain’t right. Too many people focus on the sex part of the equation and get their panties in a wad. Sex tourism is, in fact, just a specialized form of medical tourism. Because all the experts agree: a happy and healthy sex life means a happy and healthy you.

Medical researchers have proven that one of the most important things for a man’s overall health is a healthy sex life. Orgasms are not just a way of life, they are the elixir of life. To better help you explain to your family and friends why you spend so much of your time and money flying off to tiny countries to have sex with the locals, consider these medical facts that not only justify your lifestyle, but encourages it in others too

1. It’s Really About Preventative Health Care: According to research from Queens University in Belfast, men who have sex three or more times a week cut their risk of suffering a heart attack and stroke in half. I’m not that good at math but those findings seem to say having sex a few times a day then, every day of the week, must be the equivalent of triple bypass surgery. And a National Cancer Institute survey of 30,000 middle-aged men found that those who averaged 21 ejaculations a month showed a 33 percent lower risk of prostate cancer than those with 4 to 7 ejaculations a month So two weeks of sex tourism twice a year can cancel the need for seeing your proctologist for at least the next three years.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness had never been to Thailand.

2. It’s What Ponce de Leon Was Looking For: There is little doubt that all of those explorers of old were getting their freak on when they finally landed on previously undiscovered shores. In fact, they were the original sex tourists. The brutalities of the voyage probably did little for their overall health, but recent studies have shown that for you, an active sex life in middle-age can not only turn back the hands of times, but can make you live longer too. Research done earlier this decade showed that having sex several times a week on a regular basis can make people look four to seven years younger. It also helps keep your body in top shape. 30 minutes of sweating out an orgasm burns about 200 calories, all the while firming up your stomach and ass (or other muscles depending on your chosen position). Your friends may head for the gym, but your two week holiday in Pattaya will leave you looking in much better shape.

3. It Puts A Smile On Your Face: No one likes a grumpy old man. And the process of aging alone is enough to depress anyone. But science has shown that sex unleashes a wave of feel-good endorphins that help ward off depressive symptoms. Forget Prozac, a few weeks of screwing your brains out with hot young studs will do far more for your overall mood.

4. It’s Even Better Than An Apple A Day: Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found a 30 percent increase in immunoglobulin A (IgA) proteins in people who had sex once or twice a week, compared to those who didn’t have sex. Those proteins act as antibodies, binding to pathogens when they first enter the body and summoning the immune system to destroy them. Sex Tourists are some of the healthiest people on the planet, scoring multiple orgasms daily that serve to kick their immune systems into high gear. Your friends may busily sanitize their hands to ward off colds and the flu, you can laugh and say, “Well, the two weeks I spent in Bangkok last month took care of that for me.”

A bar boy a day keeps the doctor away.

5. It Not Only Feels Good But Alleviates Pain: Oxycontin my ass; oxytocin is a hormone released into your system when you orgasm that sends out an army of endorphins which alleviate pain like that suffered from arthritis. Pay enough attention to your joint and you’ll never suffer from joint pain again.

6. It’s Even Better Than Money: Sure you may drop a few grand on a week or two of sex tourism, but the National Bureau of Economic Research found that having sex regularly makes people happier than earning more money. They estimated that having frequent sex is the equivalent in happiness to earning an extra $100,000 annually. So not only are your trips a good value, you’ll be banking tens of thousands of dollars worth of happiness at the same time.

Now if we could only get the IRS to recognize sex tourism as a legitimate medical deduction, the bars and massage parlors of Thailand would once again be overflowing with happy customers.

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