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Bangkok Tuk Tuk

Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for the driving practices of Bangkok’s denizens. Everyone talks about how the traffic in Bangkok is horrendous. What they don’t tell you is that they are talking about driving skills, not the amount of cars on the road.

Thinking of renting a car and driving yourself in Bangkok? Don’t. Hell, you shouldn’t really even ride in a car in Bangkok much less drive one. Why? First you have to consider that 99% of the drivers in Bangkok are guilty of DWA (Driving while Asian). Second, 99% of the drivers in Bangkok are Buddhist; their concern isn’t so much with their current life but rather their next life, so shortening this one via being killed on the roadway isn’t a grand concern. This also explains the widely and deeply held concern of Thais that some bad deed done in this life will result in their coming back as a pedestrian in their next life.

A few quick jaunts around town will clue you into the unique set of Bangkok’s road rules:

1. Do not drive you car on the road between two sets of lane markings. Pick a lane marking and drive with your car centered on it.

2. A street with two way traffic just means there are more lanes for you to use in your direction. If no one, or few, are using a lane for traffic going in the other direction, it’s stupid to waste the space, go ahead and make that lane yours.

3. Traffic lights are nothing more than an example of the government using your tax dollars needlessly on electricity. Ignore them. Though keep in mind that a red light may signal an opportunity for you to cut around some of those in front of you who decided for some dumb reason to stop their car.

4. Sounding your horn gives you the supreme right to cut into traffic wherever you want. You were nice enough to give warning, they should be nice enough to surrender the road to you.

5. The traffic cop leaning against his motorcycle on the corner obviously just finished lunch and is taking an afternoon break; he’s not there to impose any of those ridiculous traffic laws so you can safely ignore him, too.

6. Speed is important in deciding right of ways. The faster you drive the more right you have to do what you want. As such, it is better to speed through a red light than creep through it; it is better to fly up the wrong side of the road at 80 MPH than at 30; you should never use a turnoff on the highway to cut off traffic and zoom back onto the highway unless you are doing at least 60MPH.

7. The bigger the vehicle, the more rights they have on the road. The large truck with 50 of your fellow Thais hanging on it’s bed trumps your car so it can cut you off, unless it’s moving slower than 5 MPH in which case the speed factor rules (see Rule #6) and you can cut him off. Obviously your car rates higher than a motorcycle so consider them nothing more than flies to be swatted out of your way (hit ‘em right they’ll knock some of the dirt off the side of your car and you can save on washing it).

8. Pedestrians should not be on the road or anywhere near one so they’re just asking to be hit. Do it.

9. Who was the idiot that dreamed up one way streets? The streets are there for you to use and one only going the wrong way is of no use so rectify this shameless waste by turning it into a two way street (unless it is a one lane road, then just turn it into a one way street going in the direction you’ve decided to drive).

10. It’s your lane and your road so if you want to come to a sudden stop and then reverse down the street for a few blocks those fools behind you can just get out of the way.

11. There is no reason to plan ahead and get into the right lane when you are going to make a right turn. It’ll be a lot more fun to cut across five lanes of traffic at the last minute. And isn’t that what life is all about, having fun? Sanook, baby!

12. Sidewalks are additional traffic lanes for you to use when their are lots of cars on the street. Or if you are a tuk tuk driver, they are designated lanes for your use.

13. If you do get stuck in a traffic jam, lower the back of your seat, stretch out and take a nap. The road will still be there when you wake up and others can just creep around you until you do.

Happy Trails . . .