Posts about Buddhist temples in Thailand

Wat Yai Sawang Arom Is Golden

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

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As popular as they are on the internet, I don’t post cute videos of kittens doing funny things on this blog. Not just because of my general aversion to pussy, but because cats are vile, vindictive, evil creatures who are only in it for themselves. They may have others fooled, but I know what we really need to fear is not the zombie apocalypse but rather the day the cats decide to make their move. Besides, I’ve always thought the pix of naked Asian dudes I post are all the daily dose of cuteness ya really need.

My mom has a cat. I’ve never bothered to learn what its name is. ‘Cuz Lucifer works just as well. When I visit, it runs and hides in some dark little corner of the house. Which, temporarily, is the closest to its home turf – hell – that it can find. Moms thinks it just doesn’t like men. Which alone would be reason enough to despise the creature. But I know what it doesn’t like are my hiking boots. And walls. I never said cats aren’t intelligent. Or at least trainable.

Moms thinks she’s trained her cat too. ‘Cuz she has a two foot square area of her home designated as an open sewer for the cat to shit and piss in when it isn’t busy shitting and pissing in some other part of the house that for some unfathomable reason pissed it off. So just who trained who is debatable. That cats are evil is not. Just consider that when the gods were creating the world and finally got down to felines, the cat said, “Hey, ya know what? When you make our penis, make it barbed.”

That’s what my psyche reminds me of anytime I see a cat. Barbed penis. I’d post a photo for those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, but with the bee penis photo I posted last week still freshly in your minds, that may be too much. It could be the straw that broke the camel’s back. And then in your weakened mental state, you’d end up going out and buying a cat for a pet.

Dogs are an entirely different matter. Okay, not Chihuahuas. Chihuahuas are not really dogs. They’re the failed attempt by The Cat Agenda to breed with another species to fool humans while they populated the world with Satan’s spawn. But real dogs, those whose height comes up to your knee, are a bountiful blessing of pure love. They are the Thai bar boy of the animal world. As long as you take care of them, they will do anything for you. They are always happy to see you, and no matter how long it’s been since the last time they locked eyes with you, when you return again the joy on their faces is like their entire world has just begun again.

So while it is not unusual (nor exciting) to run across a cat at a Wat in Thailand, supposedly as a deterrent to rats – as though that was the real problem – meeting a temple’s dog helps remind you of what The Buddha is all about. Dogs are enlightened animals. They exhibit all the principles that Buddhism teaches. And I’m pretty sure when you’ve lived the best life you can, your final reward is to be reincarnated as a dog.

Which brings us to Wat Yai Sawang Arom, a temple in Thailand I’ve never visited. But now plan to. That’s the nice thing about being a wataholic. There is always yet another temple to discover. And this one not only has a temple dog, but a pack of them. Better yet, Wat Yai Sawang Arom’s wolf-pack is 99% It’s-All-About-Love golden retrievers. Which also brings us to my first ever embedded video. ‘Cuz making you click over to watch the video wouldn’t be in the spirit of a golden retriever. (Whereas with a cat you’d not only have to click but doing so would take you to a site showing lesbian porn.)

(Okay. So WordPress is evidently run by a cat. You can’t embed videos. Or maybe only videos of dogs are not allowed. So you will have to click on this photo after all.

But I promise it is not of lesbians.)

As for the wat itself, there’s a Wat Yai Sawang Arom in/on/by Koh Kret, one down by Phuket, one in Singburi province, and one up by Chiang Mai. So I’m not yet sure which has the golden retrievers. The one in Singburi has a huge collection of Nang Yai (over-sized shadow puppets) and is one of the few places in Thailand you can still watch a performance of this traditional art. So even without the dogs it’d still be a cool place to visit. And I’ve been looking for a better excuse than pottery to hit Koh Kret, so maybe a day playing with dogs might do the trick.

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Backpacker Conquer Thyself at Wat Chana Songkhram

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

≈ 8 Comments

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Wats

There’s something about a wat whose name means Victory At War, or Conquer All Obstacles – depending on whose translation you prefer – that can’t seem to keep backpackers off its property that just doesn’t seem right. You could argue that The Buddha, who renounced all of his worldly goods and took off on his own journey of discovery, was a backpacker in his own right. But then he never went in for dreadlocks. And probably bathed occasionally.

It doesn’t help either that one of those conquer-worthy obstacles is that someone also named another wat in town the same. Not that a Thai would ever get the two confused. Because while both get their name from victorious foreign battles, only the one plagued by backpackers got its name from beating the Burmese bloody. And if there’s one obstacle Thais like to beat the crap out of, it’s the Burmese.

Only one of the two Wat Chana Songkhrams has a sign posted at its entrance reminding visitors to dress appropriately and not enter the temple in shorts, too. But then only one of the two wats has the great misfortune to be situated right next to Khaosan Road. And at that wat the belief is that if you make the proper offering to both the main Buddha image and the statue of Prince Maha Surasinghana (the dude who gets the props for bitch-slapping Burma) it will help you over come all difficulties in your life. There’s just a Buddhist twist.

Not being as anti-Burmese as Thais, the Buddha taught that it is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. So the blessing from Wat Chana Songkhram is assistance in conquering yourself. Then all sufferings and problems are easily overcome. Probably because in that 12-step program, you’d ditch the backpack and become a regular tourist. And learn the meaning of en suite bathroom. Or at least become enlightened enough to quit using a Buddhist temple as a short cut to the river.

The temple’s full name is Wat Chanasongkhram Rajaworamahaviharn. And if you enjoyed that tongue twister, the name of the principle Buddha image is Phra Buddha Norasee Trilokachet Mahetthisak Puchaniyachayantakhodom Boromsasada Anaworayan. And not Fucking Backpackers as you’d assume from the frequent mutterings of Thais worshiping there. But then karma being what karma is, there are a few temple-owned stalls in the courtyard that offer over-priced trinkets for sale to backpackers. So conquer that.

Less unclean visitors can instead purchase offerings for the Buddha and Prince Maha statues and thereby be blessed. Like getting to watch an angry monk chase improperly dressed backpackers off the property. ‘Cuz no one ever said the path to enlightenment couldn’t be enjoyable too. I’m not sure who you have to make an offering to to see what happens when a Burmese visitor enters the wat. But maybe Burmese only visit the other Wat Chana Songkhram. Since that one is only in honor of beating the Vietnamese and Cambodians.

Other than the occasional poorly dressed backpacker scurrying away from an angry ball of saffron, there’s not much to see at Wat Chana Songkhram. It’s of the standard white wall red tile roof temple design. It’s a mid-sized wat. And offers little that other nearby wats don’t do better. But there are several pair of elephant tusks decorating the ubosot’s altar, one of which are the standard ivory while the other is ebony (and if that forces that Michael Jackson song to play in your head, just remind yourself what a Thai is willing to do to get his hands on some elephant tusks these days. Even though Thais love elephants. Backpackers just don’t know how good they’ve got it.)

Built in the eighteenth century, the temple’s former name was Wat Klang Na, or Temple In The Paddy Field. It conquered that rather non-glorious moniker when it was restored and designated a Royal Temple in honor of the aforementioned and equally non-glorious loss by the Burmese in several skirmishes during the mid to late 1700s, one of which was gloriously named The Battle Of Nine Armies. Prior to its name change, when all it had to crow about was the paddy field it sat in, King Rama I appointed a group of Mon monks to care for the wat. And it became known as Wat Tong Pu. Just like another wat in Ayutthaya. So that similarly named wat problem is one the wat has never managed to conquer.

But stick a bunch of Mon monks in a wat and the next thing ya know the entire area will be crawling with Mon people. Which you’d think would be a problem when you are once again going to battle with Burma since that’s where they came from. But instead the local Mon formed a major troop in Prince Maha’s army, helped slaughter their relatives back home, and after returning to their paddy field King Rama I rewarded their endeavors by making the temple the center of the Mon sect of Buddhism. At least in Thailand. And at least until he made it a royal temple. Since conquering princes matter more than conquering Mon. None of which you’ll learn by visiting the wat. ‘Cuz the only sign they’ve posted is the one intended to conquer backpackers.

By the way, that the main Buddha image inside the ubosot is in the Subduing Mara position has nothing to do with the Burmese who were subdued. Or the backpackers one can only hope become subdued. Ditto for those elephants that donated their tusks to the altar display. It’s an homage to the Buddha conquering Mara. And while Thais generally hold the Buddha in great esteem and reverence, the proper offering to that image is three incense sticks, a lotus blossom, and a candle. While the image of Prince Maha gets the lotus blossom, the candle, and five incense sticks. Which should give you a hint about how reverent Thais are about conquering the Burmese. Even if they honor that feat in a wat that shares its name with another temple just a few miles away.

(Wat Chana Songkhram is best reached by boat on your way to a day of slumming it on Khaosan Road. Besides the elephant tusks, the monks’ quarters are the highlight of the wat. And there’s a few chedi out back worth a quick look too. Open from 6am to 6 pm, admission is free. To the wat’s great misfortune. ‘Cuz if they charged an entrance fee, they’d have a lot fewer backpackers to deal with.)

Cleaning Up Your Rep At Wat Rakang Kositaram

17 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

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Bangkok, Wats

Wat Rakang may not look like much from the Chao Phraya River, but that’s because your eyes are usually drawn to its neighbor, Wat Arun, instead.

It’s difficult to not be impressed with Wat Arun with its porcelain shard covered prang facade reaching into the sky as you motor up the Chao Phraya. It’s second only to Phuket for having a name that’s fun to pun around with too. And from Tha Chang Pier, it’s a crap shoot for most visitors whether figuring out how to get across the river for a visit or heading inland for an attempt at finding the Grand Palace not closed will be the easier endeavor. Either site works well if you are into crowds. But if a wat is wat’s up for your day and you want some significance out of your visit you may want to visit Wat Rakang Kositaram instead. Or Wat Rakang Kositaram Woramahawihan if you are pedantically inclined. Or Wat Rakang if you are not into details. It’s easy to find. Just look for Wat Arun and then look down. Locals know it is the temple to head for when your reputation needs some PR work. And considering what you probably did in Patpong last night, your rep undoubtedly needs a good dose of Wat Rakang’s magic too.

Wat Rakang’s claim to fame for helping you clean up yours is just one of its draws. That one is due to its name (The Temple of the Bells) and the belief that worshiping at the wat will result in you becoming popular and having an ever-growing reputation just like the far-reaching sound of ringing bells. Just outside the temple there is even a row of bells lined up. It is believed that ringing all of them in sequence will bring you good luck. But that depends on how you define luck. The temple’s fame comes from a large bell that was unearthed there during renovations in the 1700s when King Rama I reigned supreme. It was a cool bell. So he had it floated across the river and installed at the Temple of the Emerald Buddha in his palace, a swap he made for five smaller bells for the wat. So if you are a fan of quantity over quality, Wat Rakang is for you. Which brings us back to what you were probably up to in Patpong last night and why you really need to visit Wat Rakang today.

Wat Rakang’s version of the Dutch trading $24 worth of beads for Manhattan.

Undoubtedly, your soul is in bad need of making some merit and since locals in Thailand are always in bad need of some baht even before you make it to those bells your wallet can participate in various important Buddhist religious rites. Because just as anywhere in the world those fresh off the boat make for easy marks, at the Wat Rakang Pier you can buy food to throw at the massive school of catfish who greedily await your arrival. (There’s also a massive flock of pigeons greedily waiting to steal the bread you bought for the fish, but pretend they are usurpers from Burma and ignore them.)

Nearby, the aforementioned locals greedily await your arrival too and are willing to sell you a baby turtle or two to release into the Chao Phraya. Both of these activities are considered ways to make merit. I have to assume, being similar, that releasing your boy du jour to return to his gogo bar is a merit making activity too. But then if you took him temple touring with you today, he’s probably just glad you visited Wat Rakang instead of its neighbor, Wat Arun, and he didn’t have to help drag your tired ass up that wat’s prang’s steep, seemingly never-ending, narrow steps.

Because Thais love nothing more than beating a joke to death, King Bhumibol gave Wat Rakang some bells too.

Wat Rakang was built during the Ayutthaya period and was originally known as Wat Bangwayai. Because those five little bells Rama I tried to pawn off for the cool big bell he coveted weren’t quite enough, he also gave the wat a new name. Uh, that’d be Wat Rakang. ‘Cuz rakang is the Thai word for bell. Supposedly the wat got its moniker of The Temple of the Bells in honor of the discovery of that big ‘un, but when you are king you can do whatever you want, including grabbing the best souvenirs, and I suspect Rama I just wanted to throw some shade and give the temple a lasting reminder of what happens when you horse-trade with royalty. It’s kinda become a royal family joke. A pair of blue bells, which you can see in front of the temple’s ubosot, were more recently gifted to the temple by King Bhumibol (aka Rama IX). Those Ramas are such jokesters.

As if the bell thingy wasn’t enough, Rama I also built a rather grand residence just across the river from Wat Rakang (that’d be the Grand Palace) just so his former domicile could always have a reminder of the difference between being a king and a king-to-be staring it in its face. Before his enthronement, #I used to live at Wat Rakang. He ‘donated’ his former digs to the wat, headed off to war, and returned a king with a snazzy new place to call home. His former digs were torn down and then reconstructed by the pond behind the temple’s ubosot, not so coincidently in the spot where that damn bell was found. It’s been since moved again (‘cuz the royals just can’t resist fucking with Wat Rakang) and is now known as the Tripataka Hall, a monastic library, or Ho Trai, where the wat’s ancient Buddhist scriptures are kept (or at least those some Rama hasn’t moved across the river) and its once vividly painted red exterior walls are one of the temple’s most photographic sites.

As a ho trai Wat Rakang’s Tripataka Hall is impressive, as a royal residence, not so much.

But wait! There’s more! #I and his elder sister – who also wanted to get in on the act – had a Khmer-style prang built at Wat Rakang too, which Prince Naris – who is widely recognized as one of Siam’s greatest artists – deemed the most perfect Rattanakosin prang in Thailand. Wat Rakang’s prang is regarded as the prototype of prangs in the present era. Which finally sounds like Wat Rakang got some of the props it deserved. But as perfect as its prang may be, Wat Arun’s is a hell of a lot bigger (and more famous, rightly so) and we all know that with prangs as with most things, size matters. But I guess that does make Wat Rakang’s prang the quintessential Asian prang in Thailand. Or as the Chakri Dynasty clan like to joke when they sail by: “Oh look! It looks just like a prang. Only smaller.”

Now with Wat Arun almost next door, visiting Wat Rakang may start sounding like that time your parents promised you a trip to Disneyland and only took you to Universal Studios instead, but the whole point of rewarding international travel is the cool souvenirs you can take home to remind your friends and family of how much richer and more fulfilled your life is. And when it comes to Mickey Mouse ears in Thailand, nothing beats a powerful Buddhist amulet. Sure, you can find lots at the Mahathat Amulet Market over by the House That Rama I Built, but even Thai royalty won’t mess with Buddha bling and true believers know when it comes to luck, love, protection, and good fortune, Wat Rakang is the place to be. Unless you are a bell. Obviously.

Wat Rakang’s prang proves that good things do come in small packages. No, really.

There are a lot of Buddha amulets in Thailand but there are none so famous and sought after as Pra Somdej Wat Rakang made by Somdej Pra Puttajarn Toh Prommarungsee, or Archarn Toh or Somdej Toh for short. He was a son of King Rama II (before he became the King) and as pre-king royals in Thailand often do took the vows of monkhood at the age of 13. Unlike some, he stuck to it, probably because with 73 siblings his chances of becoming Rama III were pretty slim.

By the age of 21, he obtained senior monk status as well as the affectionate nickname Maha Toh, or King’s monk. And by the reign of Rama IV (aka King Mongkut, aka the titled character in The King And I) Maha Toh received the ultimate title of Somdej Phra Puttajarn Toh, the highest level of monkhood. Having scaled the monkhood peak and having put that whole bell thingy behind him, Somdej Toh found himself with lots of free time on his hands and took up amulet making as a hobby. Due to the old-timey methods he used – which imparted great power to his hand crafted pieces – these amulets became very famous and were called Somdej Wat Rakang, and/or Phra Somedej.

Wat Rakang’s presiding Buddha image is known as Phra Prathan Yim Rap Fa, but its power is overshadowed by the temple’s famous Phra Somdej amulets.

In his life time, Somdej Toh made around 84,000 Phra Somdej amulets. Today they fetch extremely high prices. Like in the millions of baht. Or, as a honored visitor to Wat Rakang, assuming you earned lost of merit feeding catfish and setting turtles or bar boys free, you too can buy a genuine Phra Somdej amulet right where it was made for a mere hundred bucks or so (so being the Thai word for however much you are willing to pay). Sure you can buy them on eBay and Amazon too, but while those may come with a genuine Certificate of Authenticity, just like when buying Mickey Mouse ears, it means so much more when you buy them from the mouse himself.

How powerful are Phra Somdej amulets? Back in 2008, a police officer in Pattaya got busted and charged for robbery and attempted murder when he tried to steal one, then estimated at a value of 8 million baht, from its owner. The Boy in Brown pointed his gun at the amulet owner’s head and pulled the trigger twice. But the gun failed to fire. And while guns that fail to fire in Pattaya are usually blamed on shoddy, knock-off Viagra, in this case it was the protective powers of the Phra Somdej amulet that got the props.

Is it live or is it Memorex?

The making of Phra Somdej amulets continued after his death, using the original five molds Somdej Toh made. Kinda, sorta. As an amulet maker he may have reigned supreme, as a mold maker, not so much. His sucked. So the king’s goldsmith made new ones. And then proceeded to mass produce the one-of-a-kind collectibles. But having learned their lesson with that bell thingy, the powers that be at Wat Rakang did not sit idly by while those bastards across the river hauled in all the loot and began offering new limited-edition amulets directly from where Somdej Toh once lived (limited-edition being Thai for as many as they could sell). That practice continues today and a new amulet is released whenever a significant and/or auspicious event occurs at Wat Rakang.

(Wat Rakang is open daily from 8am to 5pm; admission is free, but fake amulets are not. Take the Chao Phraya River Express Boat to Tha Chang Pier, hop off and then take a ferry to cross the river to the Wat Rakang Pier.It’s about a five minute walk from making merit by feeding the catfish to Wat Rakang.)

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Up A Lazy River To Wat Ratcha Oro

14 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

≈ 2 Comments

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Bangkok, Wats

Wat Ratcha Orasaram Ratchaworawiharn, or Wat Ratcha Oro as it is popularly known, or The Temple Of The Son Of A King, as its name translates, is one of Bangkok’s more unusual Buddhist Temples. Both in architectural style – it features no chofa or hang hong on its wiharn’s and ubosot’s roofs as Thai temples normally do – and in what you’ll find there: usually zero tourists. Because it’s a bit off the beaten path. There’s also ancient herbal formulas for what ails ya inscribed on the outside walls of the corridors of the wiharn (just in case you’re a new-age, aromatherapy, botanical kinda guy). And a large Reclining Buddha (not as large as the one at Wat Pho, but then neither are the lines of touri waiting to view it). Not to mention, tucked away under a shady pikul tree, a stone throne fit for a king (‘cuz it was). And, if you are feeling adventurous, you can arrive by boat along Khlong Dan. Throw in a museum highlighting the old days of the Chom Thing district, and a distinctively Chinese style and it’s no wonder it’s one of the top three wats in Bangkok tourists search for on the internet. Even if few ever make the trek there.

Chom Thong is a very old district of Bangkok that’s located between the estuary of the Chao Phraya and Tha Chin Rivers. The district was named after Wat Chom Thong, which dates back to the Ayutthaya period (and which is now known as .Wat Ratcha Orasaram Ratchaworawiharn, etc., etc., etc., but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). I only mention this now because you have options for getting there. You can take a taxi, or the bus, but as ancient as some of those seem at times you really should arrive by boat for the full historical experience. It’s your cheapest transportation option too.

That’s what Prince Chetsadabodin did back in 1820 when he led his army through Chom Thong en route to Kanchanaburi to counter the Burmese threat in a war that never actually transpired. Not that there weren’t enough other wars between the two kingdoms to make up for that loss. On the first day of his march to his not-a-war his route took him through Chom Thong where he held a sleep-over at Wat Chom Thong. While there, the future King Rama III officiated at a religious ceremony held to bless warriors headed off to war (or one they assumed would be occurring).

During the ceremony the temple’s abbot foretold an auspicious outcome to the prince’s campaign, claiming that the prince would win the war and return back to Bangkok safely. Both of which were a safe fortune to foretell ‘cuz royalty is not generally known to be big on being told they are gonna lose and die. And if you are wrong, it’s not like said royalty is gonna be around to take out his anger on you anyway.

Regardless, the future king praised the abbot’s prophecy – or intelligence in predicting a victory – and promised if he did in fact win when he returned he would renovate the temple. Face, being what it is in Thailand, meant Prince Chetsadabodin chalked up a win for his war that never happened, and seven months later made good on his promise to the old monk. The major renovations and improvements took 14 years to complete.

Because he favored Chinese art, the architectural and artistic work for the temple’s restoration was a combination of Thai and Chinese styles, which became known as Silpa Phra Ratcha Niyom (the king’s preferred art) and which can also be seen at eighteen other temples in the general area that Prince Chetsadabodin had a hand in renovating. One can only be glad that the Hello Kitty brand wasn’t known back in the mid-1800s. But then moon gates are cool regardless of which country they came from, and the Chinese-influenced paintings of peacocks in the wiharn are a nice break from the typical scenes of Buddha being the Buddha that decorate the interior of most wats in Thailand.

Prince Chetsadabodin’s interest in Chinese architectural styles stemmed from his successful trading ventures with China on behalf of the kingdom, the results of which prompted his pops, King Rama II, to affectionately refer to him as ‘Chao Sua’ (rich man). That influence, while not quite up to the acid-trip induced Gaudiesque stylings of Wat Rong Khun outside of Chiang Rai, produced one of the most zen-like Buddhist temples of its day, which Britain’s Ambassador to the Court of King Rama II, John Crawford, once described as the most beautifully built temple in Bangkok. Sitting on the western bank of the Sanamchai Canal, Wat Ratcha Oro’s red, Chinese-style pavilions and formal, stylized gardens invoke a tranquil setting for the temple, and its reflecting pond and unusual entrance perspectives provides it with a unique and serene atmosphere. Which worked out well for Prince Chetsadabodin, since his ashes are housed in the base of the main Buddha in the temple’s ubosot.

Thanks to his burial there, Wat Ratcha Oro’s ubosot also houses what is considered to be one of the finest Buddha images of its period – known as the Phra Buddha Anatakhun Adulyabophit – as well as the seldom-seen nine-tiered parasol which are only erected in temples where the ashes of kings are laid to rest. Outside, it has a Chinese-style roof, but done in the familiar Thai temple colors of orange and green; stucco chrysanthemum motifs surround its windows and doors, although the doors themselves are adorned with mother of pearl dragon patterns and guarded by Chinese guardian sculptures. And at its left-hand corner, the large stone throne used by King Rama III when he was still just the Crown Prince and visited the wat during its restoration work sits in a shady grove.

There are two wiharn at Wat Ratcha Oro, the more popular of the two houses the temple’s large Reclining Buddha, the other a bronze Standing Buddha believed to have been cast during the U-Thong period. The exterior doors and windows of both feature stucco reliefs of Chinese guardian deities done in golden lacquer. If you have not seen the Reclining Buddha at Wat Pho, Wat Ratcha Oro’s is exceptional, however the temple’s phra rabieng, the gallery surrounding the wiharn with its 32 stupas and round entrance gates to the atrium is a much more unique feature of this temple, and a much bigger draw for its visitors.

One of the nine royal temples, Wat Ratcha Oro is open daily from 5am to 8pm, although the ubosot is only open to visitors between 8 and 9 am and again between 4:40 and 6 pm. Admission is free.

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The Top 10 Wats In Chiang Mai

08 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

≈ 12 Comments

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Chiang Mai, Wats

There are many reasons why people visit Thailand, but for most it is to tour as many wats as they can possibly squeeze into their trip.

There are a lot of Top Ten lists floating around the internet for those planning a trip to Bangkok. For those whose journey will take them outside of Thailand’s capital city, not so much. Which for some destinations makes sense. For Phuket visitors the only list needed is the Top Ten Phuket Scams, but then part of the fun in being victimized by locals is not knowing you are participating in a scam until your wallet has been appropriately emptied. Ahhh, good times. And while I’m sure someone has come up with a Top Ten list for Pattaya, there’s only one reason anyone goes to Thailand’s version of Sin City. So that’s a list with nine suggestions that no one is interested in.

Of course, the only reason anyone visits Chiang Mai is to reap the rewards of visiting the plethora of wats the town has to offer. The Rose of the North has some 300 temples within its borders. And that’s a hell of a lot of merit making going on. Sure, first time visitors to Chiang Mai are interested in other activities too, like riding an elephant. Fortunately the most popular elephant camp includes a small shrine on its grounds. Which comes in handy for saying a prayer: Please god don’t let me ever waste my vacation time doing something as stupid and boring as taking a half hour long elephant ride again. In fact, there are a lot of things you can do in Chiang Mai where afterwards you’ll be seeking out the closest temple to beseech the gods to never let you do something as stupid as that again. Like paying to pee your pants on the Flight of the Gibbon ride. Or hitting the zoo for the Night Safari only to discover some of the creatures of the night featured on that tour are ladyboys.

But with so many wats to choose from it’s difficult for a first-time visitor to know which are worth checking out and which even the locals don’t bother with. And it’s not like you can rely on the advice on Trip Advisor ‘cuz those people haven’t a clue and think Tiger Kingdom is some kind of a Buddhist holy hot spot. Not that that’s entirely their fault. Every time a tourist gets mauled people start screaming, “Oh my god!” No problemo. After years of visiting Chiang Mai and spending most of those visits wandering from one temple to the next, I can tell you which wats you need to see, why you should see them, and when the best time is to visit each. So I will:

Doi Suthep, The Wat No One Calls A Temple

1. No, Really, It’s Not Another Wat.

AKA: Wat Phra That Doi Suthep, or Doi Suthep when you are trying to avoid using the W word.

WHY: Because yes, if everyone else jumped off a bridge, you would too.

WHEN: When your travel partner(s) start whining that the are wat-ted out.

TRIVIA: When Wat Phra That Doi Suthep was established, its location was selected by sending a white elephant up the hill loaded with important Buddha relics. The elephant died. Because as everyone knows, overweight animals attempting to scale tall mountains never ends well. You say dead elephant, the Thais said looks like a good spot to build a temple. So they did. Unsuspecting touri come close to accomplishing a similar feat when climbing the 2.8 million stairs to get to the temple. Knowledgeable visitors pay 50 baht to take the elevator.

WAT: Many wats have lots of gold, lots of Buddhas, and a large gong to strike. But most are not built on a hill top overlooking Chiang Mai. So there’s the view. There’s also numerous opportunities to purchase lotus blossoms, candles, and incense to make merit – you are supposed to walk around the main stupa three times carrying them (and probably thinking good thoughts instead of how hot it is walking around the stupa three times). Trailblazer or not, please walk in the same direction as everyone else; Buddha is not known for his sense of humor. For the less athletic, you can also buy a brass bell, write your name on its bodhi leaf-shaped clapper, and hang it wherever in the wat you’d like – institutionalized graffiti is cool with Buddha as long as you shelled out some baht first.

Mad Monks in the underground, how can you go wrong?

2. Spelunking in Chiang Mai.

AKA: Wat U-Mong

WHY: Caves

WHEN: Early, before the caves get stiflingly hot.

TRIVIA: Legend – which is the Thai word for rumor – has it that the tunnels – which is the English word for the Thai word ‘caves’ – were built because there was a mad monk living at Wat U-Mong and they needed a place for him to wander where he would not get lost. In America, the faithful would have given him his own television station.

WAT: This is another good not-a-wat to fool your whining friends with. Tell them you are going on a picnic instead. There is a nice little lake where you can earn merit feeding fish (if you haven’t yet figured it out, earning merit always cost money) and the tunnels are kinda cool. There’s also a unique Buddha statue that looks more like the alien from Alien than Buddha (though come to think of it, it looks a bit like Sigourney Weaver does these days too), and a graveyard for Buddhists images that people broke or no longer wanted. And like at many wats in Thailand there is religious art on display at Wat U-Mong: don’t miss the dogs playing poker poster or you’ll be kicking yourself later.

Bling is always good for your soul.

3. All That Glitters Is Not Gold. Or Silver For That Matter.

AKA: Wat Sri Suphan

WHY: Lots of silver and an under-construction ubosot that women are not allowed in ‘cuz they are unclean.

WHEN: When you wandered too far and found yourself outside of the moat.

TRIVIA: Known among farang as The Silver Wat, this area was once a village that specialized in making silver ornaments and jewelry. The main drag out in front of the wat now specializes in selling silver made elsewhere to dumb touri who don’t know they can buy it cheaper at the Night Bazaar (where they specialize in selling silver plated jewelry in Tiffany boxes because they know the touri there are dumb too).

WAT: Wat Sri Suphan is on the road where the Saturday Night Market is held. I’ll let you guess when that market occurs. They usually have special merit making activities available on market night ‘cuz even monks know farang spend money foolishly. But it’s better to visit during the day when you can watch local craftsmen hammer out the not-silver they are building their silver ubosot out of. There’s lots of baby monks around this wat too. But for fans of Pattaya, please note Buddha does not approve of molesting baby monks. That’s why he made Sunee Plaza.

They always hide the good stuff.

4. The Wat Of 1,000 Names

AKA: Wat Jed Rin (and 999 other monikers).

WHY: Buddha Balls!

WHEN: When you accidentally ended up at Wat Sri Suphan because you wandered too far and found yourself outside of the moat, and now need to make the long walk back into town.

TRIVIA: Also known as Wat Nong Chalin, as well as every possible variation on the spelling of Jed Rin, the coronation ceremony of King Mekut Sutthiwong took place in this temple in the sixteenth century. But since King Mekut was responsible for surrendering the city to the Burmese, its not like he’s one of the more popular historical Chiang Mai rulers among locals. They’re not really fond of the Burmese either.

WAT: There’s not one but three large gongs to strike, large Buddha balls to whack, a small temple to ignore, and the coolest little monk enclave across a rickety bridge spanning a small pond out back. In fact it is the picture postcard rural monk life that makes this wat a must-do. That and that no other touri will be there. Which is a good thing ‘cuz then you’ll not get any disapproving frowns when you whack the Buddha balls (although if a monk sees you he’ll probably laugh ‘cuz whacking balls translates into any language). There’s also a cool Buddha head in the courtyard that looks like those at The Bayon in Cambodia. So if you didn’t make it to Siem Reap you can take a photo here instead and then tell everyone back home you went to Angkor Wat. Which sounds a lot more exciting than, “I visited 10 Buddhist temples in Chiang Mai.”

Even Buddha knows what penis envy is.

5. Wat Size Matters

AKA: Wat Chedi Luang

WHY: ‘Cuz if you don’t everyone else who has been to Chiang Mai will ask you if you visited Wat Chedi Luang and when you say no they’ll look at you with pity.

WHEN: At night. Because you can then ask everyone else whose been to Chiang Mai if they visited Wat Chedi Luang at night and when they say no you can look at them with pity.

TRIVIA: There are several stories about why the wat’s famous large chedi is crumbling, the best being it was destroyed by cannon fire back in the 1500s when Burma beat Thailand 2 to 1. Although the truth is probably that Thais are not real big on preventive maintenance. The famous Emerald Buddha was once enshrined here too, but since it is not made of real emerald let’s not act like we really care.

WAT: Out front there is a large, beautiful wiharn. Out back there’s a beautiful, large chedi. But everyone really comes to Wat Chedi Luang to chat with monks. Fortunately they are young ones who need to practice their English so they are not big on scolding you for your own religious beliefs (uh, so please return that favor). And in case you missed the unclean women ban at the Silver Wat, there’s a small sign at a small building up front that says the same, though if I remember right this one actually mentions bleeding. If you are visiting with fish, make sure you take that sign in before chatting with the monks ‘cuz they’ll be so pissed they can’t talk and you’ll actually be able to get a few words in yourself.

Nighttime is the right time for makin’ merit.

6. The Wat of 1,000 Kilns

AKA: Wat Phan Tao

WHY: Because it is next door to Wat Chedi Luang.

WHEN: Hmmmm, let’s see . . . I just told you to visit Wat Chedi Luang at night, and Wat Phan Tao is right next door, so . . .

TRIVIA: What? The 1,000 kiln thingy isn’t enough?

WAT: I’d tell ya the cool thing about Wat Phan Tao is that it is built entirely out of teak, but I’m not that big of a nerd. And I hope you are not either. But it does have a mass of Buddhist flags, and a long line of large bells to make noise with. And even cool people enjoy doing something that is usually frowned on in houses of worship. Come around just after dinner-time and the wiharn is filled with monks chanting, which makes for a great photo op guaranteed to make all your friends back home green with envy. And isn’t that what international travel is really all about? On the downside, when the monks are chanting no one can hear the ruckus you are making with those bells. (By the way, if you are looking for the 1,000 kilns the wat is named for, there are none. See? The Buddha does have a sense of humor!)

Pass me another Singha.

7. Lions, and Tigers, and . . .

AKA: Wat Phra Singh

WHY: Because after Wat Doi Suthep Wat Phra Singh is considered the most important, most venerated, and holiest temple in Chiang Mai. Kidding: It’s about the baby monks.

WHEN: Monk feeding time.

TRIVIA: Wat Phra Singh is known as the temple of the Lion Buddha, which, depending on your generation may stir thoughts of either Judy Garland or Simba, but the joke is on you ‘cuz there are no lions in Thailand and the Phra Buddha Singh which the temple derives its name from looks nothing like a lion. The joke is also on the Thais ‘cuz as holy as the Buddha image is there are two other temples in Thailand that claim they have the real Phra Buddha Singh. Yes, the Thais will even knock-off designer Buddhas. In any case, the Phra Buddha Singh at Wat Phra Singh may only be a copy anyway ‘cuz rumor has it that someone stole its head back in 1922.

WAT: Yeah, yeah, Royal temple of the first grade, mucho sacred 1,500 year old Buddha statue, blah, blah, blah. Watching the 1.8 million baby monks scarfing down lunch inside the main wiharn is the true draw at Wat Phra Singh. There’s also a cool set of gardens out back with trees bearing little Buddhist thoughts (just in case you were thinking of molesting some little Buddhists and need something else top think about) and while there is no official monk chat program here you’ll often find a few sitting in this area ~~goofing off~~ studying their scriptures in the shade who will readily join you in a conversation. There’s also a small Reclining Buddha statue worth checking out behind the garden and unlike the larger one in Bangkok there’s no admission fee. Take a close-up photo and no one will ever know the difference.

Forget feeding monks, it’s time to stuff your belly in the name of Buddha.

8. Pigging Out Is A Form Of Merit Making Too

AKA: Wat Phan On

WHY: Fried bananas in coconut sauce.

WHEN: About a dozen times during the Sunday Night Market.

TRIVIA: One of the most significant moments in the Buddha’s life was the first time he ate freshly fired bananas in coconut sauce. Okay, I’m not really that familiar with the life of Buddha, but trust me, the fried bananas at Wat Phan On are truly a religious experience that will prove to you there is in fact a god. BTW, did you know the banana tree is not actually a tree but a herb? Okay, did you know when wild banana trees grow in a small condominium project in Hawaii greedy residents steal the bananas while they are still green so that none of their neighbors can have any? Okay, so I have issues . . .

WAT: Located at the front party of the Sunday Night Market, Wat Phan On is a great place to start your night’s grazing. Many of the wats along the street open their courtyards to food vendors, but only this one makes a real go of it. There’s lots of picnic tables to sit at and lots of food to try. And it’s cheap. There’s also a shiny gold chedi in the courtyard, just in case you think you needed to prove your visit was spiritual in nature. But seriously, in case I failed to mention it, this one is all about the fried bananas in coconut sauce.

Lions and tigers and . . . okay how about elephants and naga then.

9. Wat Monkuccino

AKA: Wat Lok Molee

WHY: Because it is not Wat Chiang Man.

WHEN: When everyone else in town is visiting Wat Chiang Man.

TRIVIA: Sure the not far away Wat Chiang Mai is the oldest temple in the city. But the Buddha used the outhouse at Wat Lok Molee. Okay, so I made that up. But considering how many temples claim to have a hunk of the Buddha, it’s not that far-fetched. Plus now that it is on the internet other people will repeat that story and in ten years when I visit the wat again they’ll have a large sign saying ‘The Buddha Shat Here’.

WAT: Just in case you were beginning to think the only reason I visit wats is for the food, I should mention there is a cool little outdoor coffee shop at Wat Lok Molee. But the elephant sculpture made from large pieces of driftwood out back are even cooler. Especially if you check them out while sipping on a mocha frappuccino. If the thought of Wat Phan Tao being built of teak got to you, then you’ll probably be orgasmic over the idea that Wat Lok Molee is aligned along a north-south axis when Buddhist temples are generally oriented more towards the East and the rising sun. The rest of us have no idea what direction north is anyway. But do know what a large chedi is when we see one, and there’s one of impressive size at Wat Lok Molee. The wat also looks like Walt Disney had a hand in designing it; there’s lots of fanciful creatures found throughout its grounds. So smoking a bowl before you visit is a plus. And the coffee shop sells munchies too, Just in case.

I see dead Buddhist people

10. Nothing says enlightenment like dead monks and sinners roasting in hell.

AKA: Wat Tung Yu

WHY: Dead Monks.

WHEN: When your pockets are full of worthless Thai coins and you need to get rid of them before your pants fall down.

TRIVIA: If you think making bad puns using the word ‘wat’ is fun, just think of what you can do with ‘tung yu’. Of course doing so probably means you are going to hell, but since Wat Tung Yu has murals depicting the bloody eternal torment suffered by tortured sinners in hell, you should feel right at home. Even more so if you come to this temple just to see paintings of naked people brandishing sharp pointy things. Uh, huh. Now who’s wat-ted out?

WAT: Not that Sylvester Stallone isn’t needy these days too, but you can pay $15 bucks to visit Madame Tussaud’s in Bangkok, or instead there’s a pavilion at the front of Wat Tung Yu with a bunch of wax Monks figures holding bowls you can make offerings to (aka dumping your worthless change). So we’re talking not only making merit, but coming out of the deal $14 to the good too. But save some of those coins and then slowly count them out like an old woman at your neighborhood grocery store’s express lane check-out counter inside where you can write your name on a wooden shingle that will be used to re-roof neighboring wats. Because unlike at home, graffiti at a Thai temple is considered sacred instead of sacrilege (though the less religious may claim it just shows you what Thais will tolerate for a fistful of baht).

Yes, I did not include the White Wat on this list. Because it is not IN Chiang Mai. And it is already overrun by touri. So please cross that temple off your list so I can enjoy it in peace the next time I visit.

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Wat Chedi Luang @ Night

19 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

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Chiang Mai, Wats

Chiang Mai’s Wat Chedi Luang is one of the more popular temples among visitors because of its accessible location and because in all things size matters. It ginormous chedi makes it a favorite must-see and its well-publicized monk chat program makes the temple a favorite must-do too. For the totally clueless, local tour operators offer a visit on their City Temple Tour programs, and for the braver touri – or at least those not directionally challenged – there are numerous ‘self-guided’ walking tours of the old city that include a stop at the wat on their itineraries. There are other wats within the city that offer monk chat programs too, other wats nearby that are far more spectacular, historically significant, and/or that house Buddha images or relics that rate higher among the faithful. But Wat Chedi Luang reigns supreme in tourist numbers, just behind Doi Suthep, which pulls huge numbers in partially because few mention that it is in fact just another wat, albeit one with an incredible mountain-top view of the city.

As popular as Wat Chedi Luang and a few other temples within the city are, with the exception of Doi Suthep your visit is seldom marred by a horde of your fellow touri descending on the place in mass. Which is a good thing. Even if it is not your religion temples are meant for quiet reflection. Having to elbow your way through a crowd to catch a peak of the Buddha is not the best way to experience any religious site. Except perhaps the Vatican. There are times during the day when the more popular wats are most popular, but those hours are often the same that any self-respecting touri is still in bed. Sure you may miss out on giving alms to the early morning parade of Buddhist monks, but there are temples that hold afternoon alms giving sessions too. And if you really feel your visit to Thailand would not be complete without chatting with a monk, just like other human beings you’ll find them much more talkative, not to mention awake, if you chat them up after lunch rather than when their little brains are still trying to wake up; caffeine is a no-no for baby monks so they have to rely on their body’s own abilities to get the same kick that Starbuck’s provides to you.

There is a lot to do and see in Chiang Mai. Your days can easily become quite crowded trying to fit everything in. To a point where you need a vacation from your vacation. And while many of those activities are strictly daytime events, and although touring temples is geared towards doing so while the sun shines, hitting a wat or two at night can free up more time for riding elephants, being mauled by a tiger that wasn’t as drugged as its handlers thought, or visiting the Disneyland version of a hilltribe village. Huh. Come to think about it spending your daytime hours catching up on your sleep might be a better way of spending your afternoons in Chiang Mai anyway.

The first time I visited Wat Chedi Luang was at night. Although that didn’t really count. We wandered into its forecourt during a visit to the Sunday Night Market, took a quick peak inside the wiharn, and then went back to shopping not having a clue about what the temple had to offer. I stumbled upon the wat again during another trip still not knowing about its humongous chedi out back. But since that visit was during the day and the path toward the rear better lit I did manage to discover the chedi and then – as I’m wont to do – looked the temple up on Google after the fact. It wasn’t until several years and several trips later that I decided to check out the wat at night again. And not on a Sunday night when the entire area is a mass of humanity.

There are no monks to chat with at night, and the wat’s grounds are dark and poorly lit. Except for the chedi bathed in a yellow glow. It’s an even more impressive sight at night. And generally, you have the entire place to yourself. All of the smaller chapels that line the perimeter of the chedi are open at night too and those that house waxen images of (I guess) famous monks take on an even eerier glow after dark. It’d be a great place to take your kids for Halloween, or whenever you needed to scare them into behaving. The reclining Buddha looks much better at night too, you even forget to compare it to the larger one at Wat Pho. And there are no vendors trying to sell you a caged bird to free – so you get both peace and quiet and the bonus karma points of not participating in a merit making activity that the Buddha would rather you didn’t participate in in the first place.

The large wiharn at the front of the temple’s grounds has an entirely different feel to it at night too. The gold used throughout really shimmers in the light and the massive pillars that lead to and flank the main altar seem even more grandiose. I have to assume, as I did, those who make an unplanned visit to the wat at night never realize there’s so much more to be seen further back. A large sign, something like Big Chedi with an arrow, would help ‘cuz the path leading deeper into the grounds is just part of a driveway and doesn’t look like it really goes anywhere special. But then again maybe that would encourage too many nighttime visits and the wat’s ambiance at night would change.

Of course there is the Night Safari at the Chiang Mai Zoo for competition, and they have ladyboys. So nighttime temple hopping may never really catch on. But if you make the effort, quite a few of the more spectacular wats within the city light up their grounds when the sun goes down and provide a completely different experience for visitors. Which is a nice change from hanging out at the Night Bazaar again.

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Chiang Mai’s Wat Phabong Needs A New Location

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

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Chiang Mai, Wats

You won’t run across many visitors or monks at Wat Phabong, but the temple cat is quite attentive.

You can’t say Wat Phabong in Chiang Mai doesn’t try. It seems they’ve tried to copy other, more popular, wat’s unique attractions that tend to draw visitors and the donation they make. But the temple has size working against it, the ground are on the diminutive size. And being located literally in the shade of Wat Phra Sing – one of the city’s mot famous and humongous wats – doesn’t help. They say in real estate what matters is location, location, location. Maybe that too is key for Buddhist temples.

You have to be a bit of a wat-aholic to even bother with Wat Phabong. From the street it doesn’t promise much. And once you step through it’s gates, the temple makes good on that promise. There’s a small gold chedi, dwarfed by the same at Wat Phan On. There’s a cute little sign bearing a message to contemplate, both in Thai and English, but next door in the gardens at Wat Phra Sing there’s a few dozen.

Its wiharn is small, its Buddhas nothing to write home about. And I couldn’t decide if the large elephant tusks flanking the altar were real or fake. And if real, whether or not the Buddha would be pleased. But the wooden doors are beautifully carved. And the temples’s cat is calico.

I tend to stumble upon wats in Thailand, enjoy my visit, and then turn to Google later to find out what it was I just saw. The internet is usually a good choice for learning about the history of a wat too. But Wat Phabong didn’t impress Google much either. There are a few photos, an occasional mention in passing, but little in the way of details. I did, however, learn that the hot springs just outside of town – where you have no choice but to stop and hopefully buy something when on a package tour to the Golden Triangle – shares the name of Phabong. Huh. Now I’ll have to visit the wat again and see if they snuck in a miniature geyser too.

I’m not sure if that little thought for the day sign at Wat Phabong about showing off is meant in its defense, or as a bitch-slap to whoever hung it in the first place. I’d have asked the sole monk I saw at the temple, but he was too busy surfing the internet. No problemo, I got a cool Monk Shot! out of my visit anyway.

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Fun At The Fair At Bangkok’s Wat Saket

15 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Wats of Thailand

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Attractions, Bangkok, Wats

Because nothing says religious spirituality like a neon tube lit ferris wheel . . .

I get that not every visitor to Thailand is the wataholic that I am. I get it but don’t understand it. But then I don’t understand why some people think brussels sprouts are a gourmet treat either. The world is made up of people of every taste. Even when they have none. So okay, yet another gold-leaf incrusted statue of the Buddha doesn’t do it for you. How about a freak show promising a living Medusa, a two-headed baby, and a genuine mermaid instead then?

I know. That’s still a hard sell since you can see the salamander guy wiggling his way down the dirty sidewalks of Sukhumvit any night of the week. And a lot of the ladyboys he slithers past have got their freak on too. But throw in monks, games of chance, and carnival barkers’ cries that sound suspiciously familiar even though they are in Thai and there’s only one place in town you can get that experience: your local wat.

Buddhist holiday celebrations are common at Thailand’s wats. They are always a special occasion and visitors are treated to saffron decked processions and ceremonies they are not likely to experience at other times of the year. Temple fairs are a whole different ball game. Then Buddha takes a backseat to rides, games, fried food, and yes, even cotton candy. Though the fried bug stands are a lot more popular. The travelling carnival replete with side show may be a thing of the past back in the states, but are alive and well in Thailand. And the granddaddy of them all is held early every November at Bangkok’s Wat Saket, better known as the Temple of the Golden Mount.

Each year when Wat Saket’s stupa is wrapped in red you know it’s time for the temple fair.

Not that there are not plenty of religious observations going on during Wat Saket’s temple fair too. There are tons of monks about doing what Buddhist monks do, prayers being said by the basketful, incense sticks being lit by the thousands, and enough gold leaf being applied to every Buddhist related image and statue to rejuvenate the stockpile at Fort Knox. The wat’s humongous stupa is wrapped in an equally humongous red cloth, a more effective billboard than any ever devised by any ad agency, announcing to one and all that the temple fair is on; a barker’s cry answered by tens of thousands of Bangkokians. That sight too is enough to pique the interest of touri who have not become too jaded by a skyscape brimming with gleaming gold steeples reaching toward the heavens. No problemo. Go early, avoid some of the crowds and some of the heat and get your fill of Buddha and Buddhism. The come back at night for the real fun.

The fair runs for eight days – or maybe nine, possibly ten – carefully scheduled in any case I’m sure to provide every single resident of Bangkok an opportunity for visiting. Whichever day you choose to go you’ll swear is the same day everyone else in town picked too. But what could be claustrophobic thanks to the crushing mass of humanity is saved by the jovial mood of the crowd. Thais’ inner child is never more than a hair breadth away and the fun and excitement in the air is infectious. You have no choice but to be part of the herd, but an early evening arrival will help dissipate some of the long line waiting to make its way up the Mount’s 318 steps to the temple grounds. Or you could just practice the Asian technique of queue management and cut in at the front of the line.

Wat Saket’s history is more gruesome than its haunted house, but never mind.

Evangelical Christians back home protest Halloween celebrations every year because they are the work of the devil – ‘cuz that’s what Jesus would do. In Thailand the Buddhists erect a haunted house on their temple grounds. Not to mention a tilt-a-whirl, ferris wheel, and the aforementioned freak show. The haunted house may be a bit too much, but considering the temple’s grounds were once piled high with some 60,000 plague victim bodies waiting to be cremated . . . whose to say some of the ghosts aren’t real? And even salamander guy might consider himself luckier than he’d thought once he gazes upon the spectacle known as The Man With No Body.

Concession stands are everywhere, packed cheek to jowl and illuminated by naked bulbs hanging like fat, buzzing stars on strings, and in the carnival midway spirit offer patrons a game of chance – step right up, plunk down your baht, and find out if you are lucky enough to have won real designer goods or just a knock-off . . . better luck next time! But no one seems to care and whether its the latest Hollywood blockbuster on DVD (with Thai subtitles), cosmetics, shoes, clothing, costume jewelry, costume jewelry being sold as real silver, every tacky souvenir that has ever graced Bangkok’s street markets, or sunglasses you’ll have to wait in line to take your chance. If you are more of a traditionalist, there are lucky number lotteries and bingo to play too.

Isn’t a freak show in Bangkok a bit redundant?

The food for sale may not be familiar to you, but the midway games will bring back memories of your childhood. With a Thai twist of course. There are darts to be thrown, balloons to be popped, guns to be poorly aimed, bamboo arrows to be launched, dunking tank victims hoping your aim sucks, and milk bottles to be knocked over – though in this case they’re 2 liter plastic soda pop bottles filled with a gaudy neon liquid. At around 20 baht a pop you can test your skill against the time honored slight of hand skills that make carnies the world over prosperous, winning just often enough to keep you forking over more baht to trade your winnings up to that oversized turquoise-blue plush dog your boy du jour has his heart and your wallet set on. No problemo. He knows it’s a con, you know it’s a con, but 500 baht later when you finally ‘win’ the damn thing you’ll both think you’re a hero.

Entertainment abounds too and lucky farang that you are you’ll easily be able to see over the rest of the crowds’ heads to catch a glimpse of puppets slaying each other, cultural dance performances, live music acts (and no, that’s singing not someone skinning cats) and even the occasional ladyboy act. You can have your fortune told by man or machine. Or both until you get one you like. And rumor has it there’s a candle lit procession up the hill nightly, though I’m not sure if you wait to see that parade you’ll have much of a chance of making it up the hill in time for the fair yourself.

Familiar looking rigged carnival games of not-a-chance are just as popular in Thailand.

Daytime the focus is more on religion and culture, nighttime – starting at 5 when the wat normally closes – it’s about partying. The surrounding streets come alive with an overflow of merchandise and food vendors intent on grabbing a few baht before fair goers blow their entire wad above at the temple’s grounds. Entertainment acts that didn’t make the cut amuse and serenade the crowd. And a line begins to form that soon reaches down the street, around the corner, and . . . I did tell you to go early, didn’t I?

There’s a lot of fun to be packed in before the fair closes at midnight, a lot of local delicacies to be tried before spewing your stomach’s contents out on the Tilt-A-Whirl. And then going back for more. The faces of local parents and children alike grin widely in anxious excitement as they move from carnival ride, to sideshow exhibit, though a never-ending selection of games, all hoping to get their fill before the neon lights start blinking off. The occasional farang face displays a different type of anxiety, eyeballing the rickety machinery passing for amusement park rides, knowing Thais believe more in the will of the Buddha than they do in safety standards. The temple’s novice monks too join in on the fun, those who have devoted their life to Buddha take a more staid approach and man the temple’s shrines instead, profiting from the size of the crowd as much as the temporary concessionaires.

Buddha Rules! What other god brings and entire carnival to your doorstep?

Far too soon the rides begin to shut down, vendors begin packing their merchandise away, Medusa slips off her wig of snakes, The Man With No Body miraculously finds one, and a happy crowd begins making its way back down to the city streets below, the path even more crowded than hours before when they ascended the hill. With luck they may get the chance to visit again before the fair moves out of town. With careful planning – and good luck with that – they may make it back for the Loy Krathong celebration on the last night of the fair. But we don’t care. With a 40-something-year-old who cops to being a 30-something-year-old and acts like a 20-something-year-old stud’s arms wrapped lovingly around the oversized turquoise-blue plush dog I won for him which he has christened yet again ‘Dawg’ our night has just begun; the freak show of Soi Twilight still awaits.

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