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Sunday Funnies #87

05 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sunday Funnies

≈ 8 Comments

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Sunday Funnies #87

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You Know You’re An Old Fart When . . .

31 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand

≈ 2 Comments

Songkran is coming and who could have a problem with that? Oh, right.

Songkran is coming and who could have a problem with that? Oh, right.

The MRT in Bangkok just announced it is offering free service to passengers 60 years of age and older during this year’s Songkran festivities (April 13-15), as usual, and the BTS will soon undoubtedly announce the same. Some consider this type of promotion an example of the way Asians honor the elderly. I think it’s just a ruse to get the grumpy old farts out where they make for easier targets for dousing. But it is that time of the year, and while the masses get ready for the world’s largest water fight the old farts are preparing their annual list of all the reasons why they hate Songkran.

When your idea of a good party is a wake, the Thai version of a new year’s celebration is probably not for you. So plan accordingly. And that means realizing whether or not you qualify as an old fart. Yet. So here is a list to help you out, AKA: You Know You’re An Old Fart When . . .

Your Thai boyfriend’s nickname for you is Finit.

You refer to the 43-year-old doorman at your hotel as a boy.

Your aversion to eating grasshoppers is not that they’re gross but that their legs get stuck in your dentures.

You think you offed your boy du jour once before only to discover that was his father.

You know you're an old fart when you know the dangers of an upstairs gogo bar are the stairs themselves.

You know you’re an old fart when you know the dangers of an upstairs gogo bar are the stairs themselves.

You realize that’s not your boy du jour touching your ass, it’s the carpet.

You know the plus in Songkran is that no one will notice you are incontinent.

The barkers at Dreamboys automatically help you up the stairs.

You refer to Viagra as your memory pills.

You complain the gogo bars aren’t open at 4pm.

You avoid the hassle of visiting Soi Twilight by picking your boy du jour from those having breakfast with their customer at your hotel.

You know you're an old fart when your travel buddy offs a boy half his age and isn't breaking any laws.

You know you’re an old fart when your travel buddy offs a boy half his age and isn’t breaking any laws.

Your biggest complaint about Thailand is that the Bangkok Post doesn’t print obituaries.

You don’t think of Rama VIII as a bridge but as a person.

You’re glad your Thai boyfriend only wants you for your money.

You get arrested on lese majeste charges for referring to the king as your contemporary.

You don’t think of Dick’s Cafe as a restaurant but rather as a handy place for a short, much needed rest.

You know you're an old fart when you no longer call it chuck wow but rather chuck whew.

You know you’re an old fart when you no longer call it chuck wow but rather chuck whew.

You know where the elevators are located at every BTS station.

The little octogenarian lady selling tom yum soup on the street offers you a senior’s discount.

You know the Thai word for Depends.

You don’t need to know the Thai word for toilet thanks to your Depends.

Your arteries get harder than your dick does.

The abbot at your local wat wais to you.

You know you're an old fart when you remember why the Telephone Pub is called the Telephone Pub.

You know you’re an old fart when you remember why the Telephone Pub is called the Telephone Pub.

You book your airline seat in business class ‘cuz the exit door is too far away from coach.

You don’t feel bad when you hear about the latest flying farang because you realize accidents do happen.

You avoid the Balcony Bar because accidents do happen.

You realize the gogo bar you’re headed to closed down twenty years ago.

Pattaya suddenly starts to make sense.

You define a happy ending as a nap.

You know you're an old fart when you have to put on your reading glasses  to see the Big Cock Show!

You know you’re an old fart when you have to put on your reading glasses to see the Big Cock Show!

The mamasan asks you if you want a drink of water instead of asking if you want a boy.

Tuk tuk drivers just smile at you as you walk by.

The money you used to send to your Thai boyfriend you now send to PBS.

You worry about getting your Motorola Razor wet during Songkran.

Bar boys don’t ask, “How long you stay Bangkok?” ‘cuz they know it may be shorter than you think.

You know you're an old fart when you're staying at Tarntawan and take a taxi to Soi Twilight.

You know you’re an old fart when you’re staying at Tarntawan and take a taxi to Soi Twilight.

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Sunday Funnies #86

29 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sunday Funnies

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'Cuz I do do requests.

‘Cuz I do do requests.

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Justavacations

24 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand Message Boards

≈ 6 Comments

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Gay Thailand Forums

Sexpats and sex tourists often have a myopic view of what makes Thailand Thailand.

Sexpats and sex tourists often have a myopic view of what makes Thailand Thailand.

As cumbersome as typing out the entire phrase is, I try to use ‘sexpats and sex tourists’ in my postings to be all inclusive. But I’m lazy and sometimes use only one of the two designations to stand for both. There is a difference, but not much of one. Sex tourists may only be visiting the kingdom, but dwell full time in a Pattaya state of mind; Sexpats are those who’ve made the move to their idea of paradise but spend the majority of their time in pursuit of boys in the bars and on the beach, just like sex tourists do. Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with either. But the mindset is the same. Looking to get laid, getting laid, and thinking about looking to get laid rules the day for the sexpat and the sex tourist alike.

They also share in common the characteristic for coming up with some wild justifications for the things they do and to explain a culture totally foreign, one never to be assimilated into their daily lives. Whether it’s due to wearing rose-colored glasses or blinders, it’s a common enough trait amongst tourists the world over. Sexpats and sex tourists just seem to take it to a whole new level. There’s an excuse, a rationalization, a defense for everything they do; an explanation, a reason, an interpretation to resolve the unfamiliar, the foreign, the different. They’re justifications, but in honor of the sex tourist I call them justavacations. They’re the asinine excuses for tourist behaving badly, the insensitive expedients for explaining a foreign culture. And there is no place you’ll find better – or more – examples than on the gay Thailand message boards.

Years ago, although undoubtedly still a popular idea today, was the belief professed on the boards that bar boys preferred one star hotel rooms over 5 star accommodations because they were a more familiar environ. Ditto for eating at a noodle stand for dinner rather than a sit-down restaurant that actually had a printed menu. Typical of a justavacation, it actually sounds like it makes sense; the fish out of water syndrome is a believable phenomenon. But in reality, it’s a justavacation used by cheap bastards to excuse their frugality.

But how do you expect to fit all of that in a one-star hotel room?

But how do you expect to fit all of that in a one-star hotel room?

Before I wised up enough to remind myself that advice coming out of Pattaya should be taken for what it’s worth, I fell for that ‘book a cheap room ‘cuz your boy du jour will love it’ line. It was the first time I was taking Noom to a far-flung destination. Okay, so Chiang Mai isn’t really that flung, but for him it was and I wanted to ensure he was comfortable. The look on his face when we checked into the room was enough to tell me I’d just made a grave error. When he discovered there was no TV, he made sure that look alone wouldn’t have to stand on its own to make sure I never went downscale again.

It’s kinda like those who claim a one-star hotel room is all they really need ‘cuz they don’t spend much time in the room anyway. Which flies in the face of what being a sex tourist is all about. And totally disregards the fact that a one-star room comes in a one-star hotel. Which usually means no amenities, bad service, and no respect. Not to mention decor tacky enough to turn a gay man straight. It’s another sex tourist justavacation. That makes no sense. Unless you are a cheap bastard. One of the pluses of Thailand is that you can get a room that would run you $200 back home for under $100 a night. Just because you can find a room for $20 doesn’t mean that you should. No matter how you justavacate it.

But it’s not just about being cheap. Okay, so it is often about being cheap, but justavacations are popular for how and why sexpats and sex tourists treat bar boys the way they do too. Even when they call them boyfriends. Horror stories about bad bar boys abound, bad boyfriend tales are common. And so we hear, yet again, about a young Canadian’s failed relationship with a bar boy he turned into a boyfriend after knowing him a week and then spent the next several years living together in misery all because of the boy’s lack of ambition and drive. Which is, in this case, the justavacation for everything that went wrong with their doomed romance. Because a sexpat will never concede that he too may have been at fault, that he never was the white in shining armor the boy envisioned him to be.

Justavactions from cheap bastards are just a drop in the bucket.

Justavactions from cheap bastards are just a drop in the bucket.

Currently there’s a thread on Jabba The Butt’s board, the most popular in ages, about the most recent raid on Sunee Plaza. It’s a treasure trove of justavacations. King Butt himself starts the thread off with rumored reports a raid is underway, noting that it appears to be focused on drugs but that Jabba doesn’t know if “other matters will also be checked.” Wink, wink. Jabba’s big on reminding everyone that Sunee Plaza’s problem with underage shenanigans is a thing of the past. As in the good old days. Even though ‘the past’ means a major bust for underage sex occurred less than two years ago. Granted, for a Pattaya sexpat that’s like eons, if not a life-span ago. But among Sunee fans, claiming pedos in paradise is a problem of yesteryear is a popular justavacation. Even while a raid is going on.

The thread quickly dissolved into the usual. There was the justavacation that the raid wasn’t about drugs or underage sex, but that the police were targeting gay bars because it makes for good publicity. Which ignores all the other raids over the last few months at the straight bar areas. Because facts never work well with a good justavacation. Jabba concurred. And then reminded one and all how it is “rare for pedophile arrests to occur.” Anymore. Just to keep the thread on subject. But despite his best attempts, forum threads have a mind of their own and this one turned back to the Boys in Brown. Kinda, sorta. A long-time poster offered up the justavacation that the problem with Sunee Plaza’s rep for being a paradise for child molesters is/was not the fault of the boy lovers but rather the root cause is/was the police themselves.

His was an amazing bit of justavacational logic, all centered on how corrupt the police in Thailand are. In short, he professed that if not for the greedy cops demanding tea money there would never have been a problem with underage sex workers in Sunee to begin with. And even if you need to place the blame elsewhere, the fact is the boys are but pawns. That’s the fault of corruption. Not the pedos. And, obviously, “nothing short of total cultural transformation will get at the root” of Sunee’s problem. ‘Cuz when you have an entire culture to blame, there’s no need to justavacate the acts of those who’d be thrown in jail for diddling the country’s youth back home.

I’ve always gotten a kick out of Dodger, who personifies the bar boy as a boyfriend experience. His Pollyanaesque exploits in Sodom By The Sea always make for a good read, despite the trials and tribulations he often goes through during his annual romances with a string of boyfriends and husbands in Thailand. His is a never say die attitude. Even when some of those boyfriends have died. So I probably would have given him a pass on his lengthy comment blaming all of Sunee’s notoriety on the cops, but never knowing when to quit beating a dead horse too, he wasn’t finished offering justavacations for the ways of the world of the sexpat.

After providing a primer on Thailand’s love motels, and professing that the country’s ever popular Second Wife syndrome is about nothing more than prostitution, he went on to explain the Thai concept of mai pen rai has a much broader and deeper meaning in Thai culture than the common interpretation of it meaning no worries, it’s okay, it doesn’t matter, no problem, don’t worry about it, it is what it is, don’t sweat the small stuff, life goes on, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. Dodger says it means don’t see, don’t speak, don’t think too much too. And so when the police are conducting a raid on places like Sunee Plaza, in their cultural view they are standing in the middle of a road filled with love motels and ignore that fact because of the don’t see, don’t speak, don’t think too much mai pen rai aspect of Thailand’s culture. I’m not sure how tea money, corruption, and underage sex works into that justavacation, but now you know.

But wait! There’s more! Dodger likes to consider himself a good Buddhist. And according to Dodger that’s not so much about what you do but how you do it. The problem – and the need for a good justavacation – is that by ‘it’ he means prostitution. No problemo. Or mai pen rai if you prefer. The Buddha still has your back. “As long as you show respect for the boys who are servicing your needs and treat them well then you are identified as having “good thinking”…”good actions”…”good karma”…”jai dee” all of which are key components of Buddhism and considered far more significant than any hand-written laws” according to the gospel written by Dodger.

The owner of Out In Thailand recently offered up a justavacation for not treating all Thai men like moneyboys of his own.

The owner of Out In Thailand recently offered up a justavacation for not treating all Thai men like moneyboys of his own.

I’m not sure the local Buddhist abbot would agree that hiring a male prostitute to suck you off quite qualifies under the good thinking, good action precepts of his religion, but as a justavacation that surely reaches a state of enlightenment. Kinda like how the ‘pro-life’ folk justavacate being pro capital punishment too. Because a good justavacation doesn’t require that you actually be on holiday, a vacation from reality works just as well.

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Sunday Funnies #85

22 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sunday Funnies

≈ 4 Comments

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Gay Thailand Forums

'Cuz there's sports fans in Sunee Plaza too.

‘Cuz there’s sports fans in Sunee Plaza too.

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Sunday Funnies #84

15 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sunday Funnies

≈ 4 Comments

Is it that 'Cottaging' is an antiquated and outdated word, or that those who are fans of anonymous sex in public loos are  antiquated and outdated gay men?

Is it that ‘Cottaging’ is an antiquated and outdated word, or that those who are fans of anonymous sex in public loos are antiquated and outdated gay men?

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08 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Sunday Funnies

≈ 6 Comments

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Looks like it'll be handbags at thirty paces at dawn.

Looks like it’ll be handbags at thirty paces at dawn.

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In Honor Of Makha Bucha Day

04 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand

≈ Comments Off on In Honor Of Makha Bucha Day

Thanks to its sexpat population, Buddhas in Pattaya display a  mudra seldom seen outside of the area.

Thanks to its sexpat population, Buddhas in Pattaya display a mudra seldom seen outside of the area.

Today in Thailand is Makha Bucha Day, a Buddhist holy day that farang celebrate by whining about not be able to buy enough booze to get them through ’til tomorrow. Most Thais, however, ignore the sexpats crawling through the gutters and head for the closest wat to pay their respect to the Buddha. Those whose religious fever over cheap booze and even cheaper boys was instrumental in their deciding to call Thailand home on the other hand, often claim that if you’ve seen one wat you’ve seen them all, a convenient excuse to not spend time away from their favorite boy bar, and an excuse they seldom use to dispense with that same familiarity they have with a bottle of gin.

But as the more enlightened and sober folk know, every wat is unique unto itself. And every Buddha is different. Every Buddha is special, and every Buddha’s hands tell a story. Known as mudras, the position of the Buddha’s hands reference either an important occasion in his life, or one of the principle Buddhist virtues. And since virtues are one of the things lacking among the sexpat population, learning more about some of the better known mudras may help lead to enlightenment. Or at least temporary sobriety. Time spent at a local temple would be the obvious manner to gain this knowledge, but for the sexpat indulging in one of his favorite pastimes – offing a bar boy – can be equally educational as like the Buddha moneyboys often display these meaningful hand gestures too.

Occasionally referred to as throwing Buddhist gang signs, each traditional mudra has a specific meaning. And each imparts a message that, when properly understood, may help cause a sexpat to drop to his knees in reverent worship. Thusly, an explanation of the more common mudras your boy du jour may display seemed like an appropriate post for Makha Bucha Day:

The Dhyana Mudra.

The Dhyana Mudra.

The Dhyana, or Samadhi mudra, is the hand gesture that promotes energy and a cleansing of all impurities, in which the delusion of attachment becomes the wisdom of discernment with the extended finger representing the ‘solitary realizers’. When your boy du jour throws the Dhyana mudra he is reminding you that from past experience he has learned he can earn just as large of a tip by chuck-wowing you as by actually performing those sexual acts you had your heart set on.

The Vitarka Mudra.

The Vitarka Mudra.

The Vitarka mudra is the hand gesture that evokes the energy of intellectual discussion, or argument. Knowing sexpats as he does, your boy du jour realizes in your case that just means arguments. But like all Thais he will avoid confrontation at all costs. Regardless of what that ends up costing you. This mudra comes in handy for him as it allows for a transmission of a particular teaching with no words. Especially if he has just arrived in Pattaya and has not yet learned how to say iPhone. You can interpret it to mean: if you want this, you’ll buy me . . .

The Hridaya Mudra

The Hridaya Mudra

The Hridaya mudra may prove very helpful to release pent-up emotions and unburden your heart. It is symbolic of bringing together two aspects of enlightenment, wisdom and method – meaning your boy du jour is wise to your methods. It’s a promise that he will help you release your pent-up energy flow, provided you unburden his heart by demonstrating you are not a cheap bastard and will tip him what he’ll pretend he is worth.

The Varada Mudra.

The Varada Mudra.

The Varada mudra expresses the energy of compassion, liberation, and an offering of acceptance. This mudra is also called a boon-granting mudra, because it helps bestow a specific quality of energy one might be seeking from another. This mudra expresses further the rarefied and powerful energy emanating from an enlightened being through his or her hands. Or wallet. Initially it appears to be a natural gesture – probably used from prehistoric times as a sign of good intentions – that proposes friendship, or at least peace; since antiquity, it was also a gesture asserting power. As such it is your boy du jour’s reminder to you that it is in his power to make your dreams and wishes come true, provided there is taxi money involved on top of his tip.

The Vajrapradama Mudra.

The Vajrapradama Mudra.

Typically translated as the Mudra of Unshakable Self Confidence, this hand gesture evokes so much more. Or so much less depending on which side of the bedroom you’re standing in. It is the hand gesture that evokes greeting another being with the utmost respect and adoration for the Divine in all bar boys. It is also called warding off the evil and is one of the more popular mudras thrown by bar boys while a potential customer decides whether or not to off him. Easy to interpret in any language, it means you can look, but not touch. Unless you are willing to tip him first.

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Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

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