Sure the star or whatever it is you put on top of your Christmas tree is supposed to be the ornament; it has the place of honor after all. But not unlike with the 1%ers who rely on all those below them for their lofty position, on a Christmas tree the ornaments you hang below your topper can either make or break your decorating efforts. Being a gay man, you might think your tree needs lots of rainbows or should be done in pink. But we are known for being both witty and gay, and with the opportunity of visual puns on Christmas balls . . .

Deck your . . . oh never mind, , you get the picture.

This year two men’s health charities came up with the same idea and are offering Bauballs as their holiday donation drive. Focusing on what all men consider their most important package of any season, Bauballs are shiny Christmas tree decoration in the shape of a dangling pair of balls. You can get your hands on a pair from either Everyman or Orchid, both non-profit organizations that promote testicular cancer awareness.

Orchid’s site – which is temporarily out of their bauballs though they promise a new sackful will soon be ready – also features health advice and a how to guide for checking yourself or a friend. Everyman’s set of Bauballs are available through Etsy and they offer eight different designs including an elf’s, snowman’s, Santa’s, and a reindeer’s impressive pair of low hangers.

If testicular cancer is spotted at an early stage there’s about a 98% chance of cure. Not that y’all need and excuse for playing with yourself, regularly checking your puppies for unusual lumps can save your life. Or at least your sex life. And if you really like your friends, you’ll volunteer to check them too. Hell, since it’s about health, don’t be shy about stopping any hot stranger and offering to check his balls for him too. The Christmas season is all about giving after all.

And while we are on the subject of balls, Mario Lopez’ salute to the holidays was a pretty ballsy move in itself. Mario is still trying to convince someone he isn’t gay, and tweeted out this heart-warming holiday picture of his ass draped in red undies decorating his Christmas tree. Even though Mario is just one of the girls, I don’t know that mooning your daughter is the best idea for a family holiday tradition. But ‘tis the season, so what the hell . . .

It’s a Mario Lopez Booty Dressed In Red Christmas

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Bangkok Bois Holiday Gift Guide: Gifts For The Gay Guy

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part V)

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part VI)

Christmas is coming. While whether the goose is getting fat or not is debatable, if you are a sexpat in Thailand, you degree of obesity is probably a foregone conclusion. No problemo. But while you are adding Xs to your shirt size, the holiday season is a good time to stop and consider the needs of the boys you pay to say they love you. The Christmas holiday season is all about giving, so don’t forget to pick up some goodies for your favorite ho ho hoe.

Of course when it comes to holiday gift giving for the barboys in your life, baht – or anything wrapped in baht – is always the perfect choice. But many sexpats like to play Santa Claus since they have the build for it, and want to add a little something special for their boy special. Here’s a few inexpensive gift suggestion that will put a smile on his face. At least until he remembers what you are hiding behind that red suit.

This handy inflatable walker will make sure your bar boy’s customer for the night’s lack of ambulatory skills will not prevent the pair from making a trip to the closest ATM.

Nothing can ruin a bar boy’s plans for the holidays quicker than an old fart customer who is incapable of walking to the closest ATM and making his daily withdrawal. What’s the good of those magic cash dispensing machines if you can’t get there? This Inflatable Walker is a practical gift your bar boy will greatly appreciate. As will his bank account. Un-inflated it is easily packable in his backpack, right along with his jumbo box of condoms. The bonus is that after being tired out from blowing up the walker, he’ll have a good excuse for refusing to sa-moke the octogenarian whose bank account he’ll soon be cleaning out.

To a bar boy, nothing smells like success like a visit to an American fast food restaurant.

Yup, bar boys love nothing more than dining at America’s fast food restaurants. It’s status and a meal all in one fell swoop, thanks to your willingness to pony up the price of a meal that he’d never pay for out of his own pocket. Of course the status he gains from dining there is only good if his friends, family, and bar mates see him doing so. And since they are all busy fleecing the farang they’ve adopted as an ATM, that’s unlikely. No problemo. Pizza Hut has come to the rescue, offering their own signature scent that smells just like the mystery meat they serve on their pizzas. Now your boy can smell like he just ate at Pizza Hut, even if it’s been weeks since you took him there. Pizza Hut’s eau de pizza is only currently available in Canada, but your boy is surely worth a quick trip to Toronto to stock up before heading off on your holiday in Thailand.

Danger Will Robinson! Farang odors ahead!

And speaking of toxic smells: Bar boys just have to accept the fact that even when freshly showered their farang customers still smell bad. It’s all that dairy and beef in their diet and it’s just part of a bar boy’s life. That doesn’t mean he should have to be further tortured by the smells you leave behind in your hotel’s bathroom. Sure he should know better than to enter the bathroom right after you’ve used it, but his concentration was on the Thai sit-com playing on the television and on figuring out just how much taxi money you’d be good for at the end of the night. Now you can show you have a good heart by providing a warning with the Toxic Gases Toilet Caution Cone – let him know he needs to quickly run the other way before he catches a whiff of what your digestive system really thinks about Thai food.

ow if only Pattaya would add this product to the town’s water supply . . .

With the scent of baht in the air, your bar boy du jour willingly ignored your dour and grumpy disposition back at his bar. Back at your hotel he’ll have to face up to the reality of his situation: another night spent with a disgruntled old fart who hates everything about the world. Farang sexpats have little to do with sanook even when that’s what they are out on the town looking for. Now you can refrain from joining the ranks of the grumpy gusses your boy has had to deal with in the past with a supply of Dr. Benjamin Passmore’s Cure for Grumpiness, Grouchiness, Irritability and Short Temper. Each box contains four herbal bath bags that infuse the water with lavender and other soothing herbs to promote feelings of euphoric happiness and neighborly love. And while you are soaking your grumpiness away, it will give him the time he needs to go through your wallet and help himself to a tip. Then even if the Cure for Grumpiness has no impact on your personality, he’ll still have a big smile on his face.

Even Pattaya’s most degenerate sexpats leave bar boys alone while they are praying.

Thai bar boys are a religious lot and frequently turn to Buddha when they need help in their lives. Like the first time they see you naked. But what is a poor bar boy to do when the closest wat is half a block away and your 300 lbs. of blubber is between him and the door? Thanks to this handy Inflatable Buddha he can still find a bit of enlightenment, or at least be able to pray his little heart out that what is about to come won’t be as disgusting as it was the last time. Shame the gods never seem to listen to the pleas of humans, huh?

How much sweeter can you get?

But let’s get serious. Christmas is a farang holiday. So it really should be all about you. Which won’t surprise your bar boy du jour in the least ‘cuz that’s the attitude of all sexpats in Pattaya. That makes this Candy Posing Pouch the perfect gift to make your latest off tasty while you remain true to yourself: tasteless. Even better, the three hundred and thirty fruit-flavored sweets that make up this bedroom treat are fat-free so you can enjoy a new boy nightly without concern that you’ll have to be moving up to XXXXXL sized T-shirts for the new year.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

BangkokBois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

The Third Gay of Christmas

Bangkok Bois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part II)

I ran across a new term the other day, visibly gay. It was used by a guy, quite proudly I might add, who would have been called obviously gay in the past, or maybe even ‘not straight acting.’ I only mention this because of my recent time spent on Google searching Christmas Gifts For Gay Guys. All the suggestions for holiday presents were presented by either a visibly gay guy – and played on all of the stereotypical gay traits – or by a clueless straight person – which also played on all of the stereotypical gay traits. According to both, if it is pink, has rainbows on it, or in any manner the word ‘fashion’ can be attached, it’s the perfect gift for any gay man. Kinda makes you wish you were Jewish.

Whether visibly gay or not, I never realized we were so problematic in buying holiday gifts for. The question of what to buy for a gay guy is a popular one on Google. It’s like we are some foreign species who share nothing in common with breeders. And all recommended gifts focus on the gay instead of the guy. Maybe the question should really be what to buy a visibly gay guy for Christmas. Because when you start your answer with “Never buy a gay guy a power tool,” there’s something wrong. I like power tools. I consider a hardware store to be a toy store for adults. All of my lesbian friends do too. And the visibly gay guys I know who shudder at the sight of a hammer would be perfectly fine with a gift of a power tool if it was the 25th anniversary edition of Jeff Stryker’s most popular DVD.

I’m sure the ‘what do I buy for my gay friend for Christmas’ question is well-meant. I’d like to think so. But really it comes off not unlike when you try to show how you are not a racist by mentioning your black friend. Christmas for black gay guys must really suck. As does being the gay guy whose boyfriend turns to the internet asking, “What should I buy for my gay boyfriend for Christmas?” That one is easy to answer. Get him a new boyfriend. ‘Cuz it is obvious that he needs one.

Years ago a friend of mine who is visibly lesbian (she wears a lot of flannel) got a little black and white cow set of salt and pepper shakers as a gift for some holiday or celebration. This is the danger in making friends of people who think re-gifting is a good idea. Anyway, on the next gift-giving occasion that rolled around she got two more black and white cow gifts. Too polite to store said cows where they belonged (what day is trash day again?) her house was soon filled with black and white cow paraphernalia. I’m sure all of those cows came from either straight friends or lesbians because no gay man would ever consider such kitsch as something you’d actually spend money on. Or inflict on someone you know and like. The point is, she was never fond of black and white cows. In fact she grew to hate them. So guess what happens when a well-meaning straight friend gives you something with rainbows on it?

I’m sure there are visibly gay guys out there who would love a rainbow flag, rainbow T-shirt, or a set of rainbow salt and pepper shakers. Ditto for a gift basket of condoms and lube or anything and everything with a dick on it. For the rest of us, cash is best. Not a giftcard for GayMart mind you, but the green stuff. Don’t worry that cash is not personal enough of a gift, because when you decide to go the personal route, you scare us. If nothing else we can use it to pay for the therapy sessions we’ve need thanks to gifts you’ve given us in the past. For those of you who can not resist buying something that you can wrap – though seriously, y’all have absolutely no taste when it comes to wrapping presents so do you really want to hand your amateurish attempt to a professional? – here’s a list of what not to buy a gay guy for Christmas.

Rainbows. Did I really need to repeat that yet again? Obviously yes because there is far too much rainbow merchandise on the market. And you straight people just can’t stop yourselves from buying it. Rainbows symbolize gay pride. Cool. I’m as proud about being gay as I am about all of the other facets of my life. That doesn’t mean I want to wear a T-shirt with a picture of a nine inch ruler on it either. If you just can’t shake the urge to get me a rainbow for Christmas, a round trip ticket to Hawaii is the perfect gift.

Dick. Thanks, but I already have one. And know where to get more when I need it. Pictures, cards, statues, posters, and whatevers of hot naked men are not something I need as a gift. That’s what the internet is for. And if you give me a statue of a naked man and I don’t re-gift it back to you next year, my house will soon be filled with replicas of naked men, just like my lesbian friend’s house is filled with little black and white cows. Now if you want to buy me an actual hot naked man, that’s a different story. I’ll take a Mapplethorpe original too, but know that that puppy is going up for auction come December 26th.

Couture. Not being visibly gay, I had to look the spelling up for that word. High fashion to me means going with button fly Levi’s instead of jeans with a zipper. Yes, some gay guys would love anything with an Armani label on it. The rest of us will be wearing that shirt the next time we change the oil in our car. We are not all fashion divas. Some of us don’t qualify as any sort of diva. But even us non-divas know that a tie with rainbows on it does not qualify as high fashion.

Personal Grooming Items. Sorry, but the straight guys I know spend way more time and money on personal grooming items than I do. Even if it is mistakenly spent on Axe products. Yes, most gay guys look good. But that’s natural for us. Not because we’ve devoted our medicine cabinets to every cosmeticry know to man. As for cologne, if you know the brand I use but several times a year, no problemo. Otherwise you may be picking out the favorite brand of my old boyfriend, the scent of which will instantly remind me of that tragic night when he failed to douche . . . and we really don’t want to go there again. Ever.

Drag. Believe it or not the majority of gay men have never had the urge to slip on women’s garments. And those that do already have closets full of the stuff. If you can not resist going the drag route, Google Lesbian Drag. I have no problem slipping on a Pendleton shirt when it’s cold outside.

Gay Sex Toys. First, you really have no idea what most of those things are or what you are supposed to do with them. So let’s not, okay? Yes, gay men are interested in sex. Just like straight men are. That doesn’t mean we are all waiting in breathless anticipation for Santa to bring us a new dildo. You need to quit focusing on the ‘gay’ part of me because unless I’ve done you, you really haven’t a clue what the sex part of being gay entails when it comes to me. Unless you want me to focus on the straight part of you: since the majority of pedophiles are straight I guess that means you’ll be getting a year’s membership to 5 Year Old Vixens. com from me this year.

Gay. So you haven’t discovered what a rainbow stands for yet, huh? Look, we already established I’m gay. I don’t need something with the word ‘gay’ on it to remind me, or you, of that fact. I’m not going to wear a T-shirt that says GAY on it – if it was important to me to let everyone I meet know that I am gay I’d be visibly gay to start with. I’m gay but my car isn’t so the gay license plate holder is a non-starter too. I drink Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, so a gay coffee mug is a no-go (ya know how touchy those Jamaicans are about the gay thingy). And anyone who sees my boxer shorts up close and personal will already know I’m gay so there’s no need for the small print there either.

Gay CDs / DVDs: Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m gong to appreciate a CD of a bunch of 50-year-old queens from Vermont singing Silent Night. Stevie Nicks already cut the definitive version of that song. And I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber either, nor am I positive which of the two actually has a dick. Personally, I’m a blues fan, and I don’t know of any out blues guitarists. And even if B.B. King did come out, that’s not a visual I need to have floating in my head. As for the movies, every gay man has already seen Brokeback Mountain; few of us need or want the Glee DVD boxed set; and if you go the porn route you’ll probably pick out some movie filled with twinks which will be as exciting for me to watch as it would be for you.

Fruitcake. Really? Just couldn’t bring yourself to actually buy that bottle of anal lube, huh? Well, go for it. At least you won’t have to worry about having that fruitcake re-gifted to you next year because I won’t know you by next year. Which starts in just a few days.

So what should you buy for the gay man on your Christmas list? Well thought out items he is most likely to appreciate because of his personality, tastes, hobbies or career is the way to go. Unless you are buying a gift for a very, very close friend you know that it’s neither appropriate nor necessary to take somebody’s sexual preferences into account, as it has very little relevance to what gift would be suitable. You wouldn’t normally buy sex toys, erotic films and books, or what you think is sexy underwear for your straight friends, and neither should you for your gay friends (though we’ll swap that shit between ourselves well into the New Year). Your doing so may be perceived as patronizing or labelling. Because it is. It’s better to go for gifts that don’t make specific reference to your gay friend’s sexuality in the same way as it’s better to go for gifts that don’t make a specific point of somebody’s nationality, race, or color. If you like me enough to buy me a gift, like me enough to respect who I am. Whether I’m visibly gay or not.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

The Seventh Gay of Christmas

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part I)

The Fourth Gay of Christmas