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~ Ramblings, Rumblings and Travel Tales: Bangkok and Beyond

…dancing with the devil in the city of angels…

Category Archives: Holiday Gift Guide

Gift ideas to make the gay guys’ holidays in your life bright

BangkokBois’ 2014 Holiday Gift Guide: When You Can’t Be There To Deliver It Yourself

22 Monday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Holiday Gift Guide

≈ 7 Comments

gift guide 14

Oh Shit! With just a few days left before the big day, if you are like me there are still far too many people on your Christmas list who deserve to be dumped on. If you are a traditionalist, you can always fall back on that old standard of a lump of coal in their stocking. But the advent of on-line shopping has expanded your boundaries and offers even greater riches for gifts for people you really didn’t want to give a gift to in the first place. Better yet, if you got suckered in to turning some of your hard earned cash into Bitcoins, there’s finally a place to dump those puppies too. And ya know how satisfying two dumps in one can be.

Just imagine the faces of all the people who annoy you the most when the postal service delivers your gift to their door. Happy. Expectant. Full of the greedy joy of the holiday season. Now turn those happy smiles upside down. ‘Cuz there’s nothing that will put a look of disgust on your not-loved ones faces quicker than opening a box filled with shit. And don’t worry that you are starting an annual holiday shit war either. Like that fruitcake you keep mailing back and forth with your aunt. ‘Cuz your gift gets sent totally anonymously and they’ll never be able to track down your scent.

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

ShitExpress, the internet’s only sustainable shit delivery service, promises privacy, anonymity, reliability, and speed. Not to mention that all important smell. The company will send horse manure (more types will be added in the future, as should be expected from a respected poop delivery service) anywhere in the world for you, including packaging (you can choose to send it in a plain box or disguised as a fancy, expensive gift), shipping, a personalized letter and a message telling the recipient to be a better human being.

Of course, anyone can just take a dump in a box and send it off to the lucky recipient. But ShitExpress packages theirs in an earth-friendly container that doesn’t give the surprise away until it’s opened. And that bastard you send it to is undoubtedly greedy and will pop the lid before bothering to see who it is from or what the enclosed gift card has to say. So you can be assured he’ll be having a very smelly Christmas!

BangkokBois’ 2014 Holiday Gift Guide: Tips For Selecting The Perfect Gift For Your Bar Boy Boyfriend

12 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in Holiday Gift Guide

≈ 14 Comments

gift guide 14

‘Tis the season and far too many sexpats and sex tourists are beginning to consider just what the perfect gift would be for their boyfriends and boy du hour in Thailand to ensure their season is merry. Ideas for gifts have always been a popular subject on the message boards, and while intentions are well meant, suggestions are seldom that bright. Besides, once you hear about cheap plastic Eiffel Tower key rings it’s hard to think of anything else. So to help you during your pre-trip holiday shopping, here are a few tips to keep in mind while trying to come up with the perfect gift for your favorite Thai money boy:

1. A Rose By Any Other Name Smells Just As Bad.
The boys on the boards always suggest that personal fragrances are the perfect gift for any Thai bar boy. Even though the only personal fragrance most bar boys are concerned with is yours. So you may consider taking a shower as your gift to him this year. As for colognes or perfumes, the status-bearing brands are pricey and most of y’all are cheap bastards so instead you’ll be buying some crappy brand that will make him end up smelling like a whore, and you wouldn’t want . . . Oh. Never mind.

2. Reach Out And Touch Someone. Else.
A newbie on SGT recently asked if the iPhone 6+ was a suitable gift for every Thai money boy he plans on meeting during his first trip to Thailand. And we lost a few more board members thanks to the ensuing heart attacks. But he was on the right track. Bar boys love getting a new cellphone. As long as it is the latest model on the market. Your boyfriend probably just got one last week. ‘Cuz there are a lot of punters who like to play Santa year round. In any case, the $600 phone you bought him will be treasured. All the way to the pawn shop where he’ll snag $100 for it. If you’re lucky. If luck doesn’t favor you, he’ll keep it and use it to solicit Xmas gifts from all of his other overseas boyfriends.

What? You only got me an iPhone 6?

What? You only got me an iPhone 6?

3. Don We Now Our Gay Apparel.
Another perennial gift suggestion among the boys on the boards is jeans, preferably the latest designer style not available in Thailand. Huh. So why when you spend so much of your time and money trying to get him out of his pants, are you thinking of putting another obstacle in your way? Your better bet is to buy him a pair of jeans that no self-respecting bar boy would be caught dead wearing. Because the gayest apparel is not wearing any. And he’ll probably look wonderful in it too.

4. Forget About Frankincense and Myrrh, But Gold Is Fit For Any King. Or Queen.
There is not gift a bar boy enjoys receiving more than gold. Because it is easily convertible into the gift he really enjoys receiving: baht. In Thailand they even use the same word for money as they do for the weight of gold. Because subtlety is not a trait Thais are known for. It also helps to remind the occasional money boy who thinks wearing some bling might be nice what a gift of gold is really all about. If you really feel the need to buy him some gold, take him to the local wat and spring for a few small sheets of gold leaf. He can use them to make merit while praying to The Buddha for a more generous farang.

5. The Gift That Keeps Giving All Year Long.
If you really love your bar boyfriend – or are even fond of your fellow sexpats – what you should really be thinking of this holiday season is the gift that keeps giving. Go get tested. For everything. And then take him to be tested too. ‘Cuz there are some souvenirs besides those wood croaking frogs that you really don’t want to be taking back home with you.

When you're not sure of his size, it's better to not guess. Just go with what you know will be a perfect fit.

When you’re not sure of his size, it’s better to not guess. Just go with what you know will be a perfect fit.

6. When In Doubt Gift Cards Are The Way To Go.
The right size, right color, right style . . . it’s just too much. Sure it’s nice to give your true love a personal gift that shows you know what he likes, but face it, you probably don’t really have a clue. It’s much easier to let him pick out something he’d like. So consider giving him a gift card. The problem is gift cards for stores back in your home country won’t cut it because they don’t have those retail establishments in Thailand. Problem solved. He already knows you carry a few gift cards with you for some of his favorite stores. Like Visa and MasterCard. And since they already have your name on them, how much more personalized can you get?

7. Made In America. Or The U.K. Or Wherever The Hell You Call Home.
Many punters think a gift from their home country will be appreciated by their Thai bar boy. And their right. He’ll love being reminded of where you’ll soon be flying back to. Consider it his carrot to your stick. Something that says France, Germany, England, or the U.S.A is always an appreciated gift. And as crazy for the royals as Thais are, he’ll really appreciate a few photos of some of your country’s past leaders. So the best remembrance from home is a nice wad of your local currency. Unless it’s British pounds. Their exchange rate sucks these days.

The problem with gifts of cash is they just ain’t that festive. So make sure you wrap yours to impart that holiday spirit. Don’t worry about having to rush out to buy gift wrap either. Just use more baht. Then you don’t even need a gift card ‘cuz he’ll know it’s from you. ‘Cuz that’s how he thinks of you anyway.

And remember that sometimes good things really do come with small packages.

And remember that sometimes good things really do come with small packages.

8. You Can’t Buy Love.
But fortunately you can buy sex. Which is why you call him your boyfriend in the first place. And why he calls you a customah. I wouldn’t want to dissuade you from giving him a token of your affection during the holiday season, but you’re already giving him what he truly wants: business. Santa undoubtedly enjoys getting his freak on with Rudolph, but ya never heard of him paying to get that deer’s nose fixed, now have you? So keep the true basis of your relation in mind during the holidays, even if you like to ignore the truth during the rest of the year. When it comes to gifts, go small and inexpensive. He’ll still appreciate that you thought of him. And then you can still be the cheap bastard that you usually are over the rest of the year.

Bangkokbois’ 2014 Holiday Gift Guide: What To Give Your Bar Boy’s Boyfriend

19 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by Bangkokbois in Holiday Gift Guide

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And More!

2013 holiday gift guide

Boyfriend, Boy Special, the male prostitute I’m in lust with . . . whatever you call him, when a significant portion of your annual income is spent tending to the financial needs of a Thai lad someone really needs to ensure that your holidays are bright too. And it ain’t gonna be said boyfriend, boy special, or the male prostitute you fell in lust with. Sexpats and sex tourists alike need to take care of their own during the holidays. Even if that means a gentleman you’ve never met but whose boyfriend you’ve been diddling on a regular basis.

Trust, they say, is the most important thing in any relationship. And the one thing you can trust in is that as soon as your plane takes off from The Land of Smiles, that smile you fell in love with will be beaming at the next farang that walks into its bar. Not that those in love would ever believe that. But then at some point, just like that you have to tell your nephews that Santa isn’t real, you should tell the lovelorn that a faithful bar boy is just as much a figment of the imagination. And now, praise the saints, there’s an app for that.

How do you keep a leash on your boy special when you’re thousands of miles away?

How do you keep a leash on your boy special when you’re thousands of miles away?

Ho, Ho, Ho, you can now help your fellow farang easily spy on his favorite ho thanks to ThaiSpy, a revolutionary new digital product that monitors what his boy special’s thumbs are doing when he’s not in town. Bar boys today use their mobile phones for everything; it’s the one device that’s always with them. They make calls, text message, email, take and share photos, and check Facebook a million times a day. Wherever they are, their phones are; whatever they’re doing, their phone is with them. Mobile phones act as both a lifestyle and communication device, this makes it singularly perfect for monitoring their behavior, thoughts, and relationships. Yes, his boyfriend’s every waking minute can now be his too. Without the boy ever knowing it. And if that doesn’t say love, I don’t know what does.

ThaiSpy isn’t just any ordinary intrusive spyware. It’s so much more. Not only does the easy to stealthily install app track every use of his cell phone, thanks to its integration with Google Maps, it tracks his location too. Of course knowing he is at the local Hyatt doesn’t necessarily mean he’s up to no good. No problemo, ThaiSpy’s got you covered. With just one click you can switch on his phone’s microphone so you can listen remotely. You’ll hear everything that’s going – or coming – on around him. And once you’ve dialed in, you’re connected silently to every move he makes. You can even turn on his phone’s camera, so you can have a live eye into his sordid little world, anytime – anywhere!

Now just because you spend big bucks to fly around the world to engage in prostitution on a regular basis doesn’t mean you are completely lacking in morals. So you may think spying on your boyfriend is wrong. But as the makers of ThaiSpy explain it, it’s not about trust and honesty. At least not yours. It’s about culture. In Asian culture men have been trading love and sex for security and resources since the Garden of Eden. And if you’re providing your boy money and material gifts, then you surely expect him to uphold his end of the deal, willingly and honestly. What’s more, by spying on his every waking breath, you are doing your duty as a sugar daddy. Because a Thai bar boy needs to know he is being honored and appreciated. Even if he doesn’t know you have him bugged.

ThaiSpy turns your boy special’s cell phone into the ultimate bugging device.

ThaiSpy turns your boy special’s cell phone into the ultimate bugging device.

Of course like most farang who’ve committed to a long, loving relationship with a Thai bar boy, he probably speaks little English and there’s no good reason for you to learn to speak Thai. So even though ThaiSpy will capture all his SMS, Facebook, Email, Skype, Viber, WeChat, LINE and WhatsApp messages, it’ll all be Greek to you. So how will you know what’s really going on? ThaiSpy’s unique Integrated Human Thai to English Translation service is the answer. Any messages in Thai will automatically display a translate option that you can use to send to their dedicated translation team. Then, at a cost of just $2 per message, within 24 hours you’ll receive a translated version of whatever nefarious deeds he was up to. And that’s a lot of peace of mind for a very low cost!

But Wait! There’s More!

ThaiSpy understands that at your age you’ve probably only been able to master the important features of modern day cell phone technology. Like how to download porn. Having to gain possession of your true love’s existing target phone for the few minutes it takes to install their software is probably beyond your abilities, and actually downloading the app is a task your thumbs are incapable of. No problemo. The company also sells phones with their app pre-installed. And what bar boy would ever turn down the gift of a new cell phone? Especially when it comes gift wrapped. It’s like taking candy from a baby. Which, if you are a fan of Sune Plaza is probably an apt turn of a phrase.

ThaiSpy is not about deceit, it’s about improving your relationship. When you know what he is really thinking, you can prevent problems before they happen. Different cultures, the language barrier, or that he spends much of the year alone in Thailand . . . it’s easy to see how he may form other relationships that sometimes gets intimate. If not sexually then perhaps emotionally. Even worse, he may simply be resigning himself to a loveless fate and simply tolerating you while you still have value. ThaiSpy allows you to find out early and make changes for the better – before his thoughts become an unforgivable reality. Because reality is what every farang who has fallen in lust with a bar boy is all about.

With ThaiSpy you can not only see everything your boyfriend does, you can get a copy of those naughty selfies he’s been sending to everyone else too.

With ThaiSpy you can not only see everything your boyfriend does, you can get a copy of those naughty selfies he’s been sending to everyone else too.

(ThaiSpy is available for purchase at their website: http://www.thaispybangkok.com/thaispy.html at a beginning cost of just $29.95. Bulk purchases for farang who have more than one Thai boyfriend are available.)

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

BangkokBois’ 2013 Holiday Gift Guide: Who Loves Ya Baby?

BangkokBois’ 2013 Holiday Gift Guide: Who Loves Ya Baby?

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide The Best Gift For Message Board Members

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide The Best Gift For Message Board Members

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: The Best Gift For Message Board Members

22 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Blogs & Message Boards, Gay Thailand Message Boards, Holiday Gift Guide, It's A Gay World

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Gay Thailand Forums, That's Gay

gay thailand forums

Are you frustrated at having to decide which of the dozen of gay Thailand message board now in existence to post on?

Is having to cruise every board every day to find a thread to post to driving you crazy?

Does the fear that the post you made ripping into a board owner or its entire membership was accidently posted on the board you were bitching about keeping you awake at night?

Well, fret no longer! Stress-free gay Thailand message board participation is now here. The I Can Post In My Sleep message board service is a revolutionary new product that will take the hassle, worry, and frustration out of your posting life. Now you too can enjoy posting to your favorite boards without ever having to visit them. With just a click of your mouse you’ll get instantaneous uploading of your latest missive, delivered to just the board(s) you want it to go to. Now you’ll never have to worry about missing your opportunity to bitch about something again!

The I Can Post In My Sleep message board service is so easy to use even an inebriated octogenarian will find using this amazing new service a breeze. Our patented Degree Of Irritability Index technology will sift through all of your old posts and select just the right board(s) for your new posts to appear on. Never worry about which domineering board owner you might piss off again! I Can Post In My Sleep is fast and effective and comes with a 100% satisfaction guaranteed or we’ll pay attention to your bitching and moaning at no additional cost.

I Can Post In My Sleep takes the little thought you used to exert out of Gay Thailand forum posting and spreads your disgruntlement to every corner of the internet where the disenfranchised fans of Thailand gather.

I Can Post In My Sleep takes the little thought you use to exert out of Gay Thailand forum posting and spreads your disgruntlement to every corner of the internet where the disenfranchised fans of Thailand gather.

Every I Can Post In My Sleep message board service membership includes the posting of your messages on the top 12 Gay Thailand Forums (Baht-Stop Not Included). PLUS the next time some fussy old queen throws a hissy fit and stomps off to open yet another forum, we’ll include posting privileges for you there too!

You might think a valuable service like this would cost hundreds of dollars. But our special introductory offer for I Can Post In My Sleep is only $29.99 (plus bitching and grumbling). That’s less than you tipped your last bar boy!

ACT NOW!

Don’t delay! Send for your I Can Post In My Sleep message board service membership kit today and we’ll include a second I Can Post In My Sleep message board service membership for FREE! (Just pay an additional bitching and grumbling charge.) Now you can register your original on-line identity plus one of your hydra names at no additional cost! That’s twice the fun for a fraction of the cost!

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
For a limited time, when you order your I Can Post In My Sleep message board service membership we’ll include our popular I Can’t Spell And Don’t Know How To Use Spell-Checker (Not!) interface. This dynamic and valuable program reads through your post and translates correctly spelled words into the gibberish your fellow posters can understand. Just listen to what our satisfied customers say:

pong

PLUS!
For a limited time – and just in time for the holidays – with your paid I Can Post In My Sleep message board service membership we’ll post this special holiday greeting on your behalf on every forum that even the most dense board members will understand:

Don't just bitch about Christmas Songs! Show your disgust with the entire holiday!

Don’t just bitch about Christmas Songs! Show your disgust with the entire holiday!

Don’t wait! Order your very own I Can Post In My Sleep message board service membership today and you’ll sleep easy tonight knowing that none of those bastards will ever be able to keep up with the speed of your message posting again.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: The Perfect Gift For Pattaya Aficionados

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: The Perfect Gift For Pattaya Aficionados

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part VI)

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part VI)

BangkokBois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

BangkokBois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: The Perfect Gift For Pattaya Aficionados

16 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Gay Thailand, Gay Thailand Sexpats & Addicts, Holiday Gift Guide, It's A Gay World, The 12 Gays of Xmas

≈ 9 Comments

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That's Gay

BangkokBois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide

You’ve all been there. Or at least you have if you are a fan of Pattaya. You’re sitting in one of your favorite bars in Sunee Plaza, trying to act respectable for a change, when the bar boy you’ve been ogling stops by your table, whips out his dick, and shoves it in your face. That’s a timely reminder that since you are spending your night in Sunee there is no good reason for you to fake being respectable. In fact, doing so could get you thrown out of the bar. Throwing decorum to the wind then, you do what any sex starved octogenarian sextouri or sexpat would do and reach out to touch someone. But wait! Danger Will Robinson! Who knows who else has been fondling that penis? And god knows what exotic sexually transmitted diseases you could catch if that someone turns out to be LMTU.

We all know about the nasty germs you can pick up in public places, microscopic little buggers passed on from those who have come before you. So just imagine the dangers of putting your hands in public pubic places. Especially those where LMTU has cum before you. Just the idea of touching something that LMTU has already fondled is enough to make any grown sexpat cry. Or start eyeballing the nearest high-rise for an available balcony. But then what are you suppose to do? Not diddle the bar boys you paid a whopping $3 for a beer to have the right to molest?

hand santizer.

What happens in Pattaya, Stays in Pattaya.
Except for STDs.
Protect yourself and the ones you pay to love you.

A bottle of Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer is the answer and the perfect gift for the Pattaya aficionado who wants to kill off almost everything except his unhygienic ways. And if in fact those genitals have been played with by LMTU, that barely legal bar boy will appreciated your drenching his crotch with half a bottle of this stuff too. That’s even better than the 20 baht you were going to tip him for your pleasure.

Being the cheap bastard that you probably are since Sunee Plaza is your favorite haunt, you may think any hand sanitizer would do the trick. But the Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer has been specifically formulated to kill off even the nastiest bugs, the type that cottaging fans easily pick up from spending their evenings kneeling is skanky public loos. We’re talking about the type of germs that would even make crabs want to delouse themselves. Genital herpes and anal warts viruses don’t stand a chance against the new and improved Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer, available in both its original and new “Smells Like Innocence” fragrances.

gay christmas

Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer also works well as a douche in emergency situations.

This holiday season, pick up a bottle of Maybe LMTU Touched These Genitals Hand Sanitizer for every sexpat on your Christmas list. It’s the perfect gift for the man who has everything, but who doesn’t want to catch anything from the man who has had everything.

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Forget Organic, Go Orgasmic

Forget Organic, Go Orgasmic

You Can Keep Your Hat On

You Can Keep Your Hat On

Bangkok Bois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: Xmas Balls

15 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Holiday Gift Guide, It's A Gay World

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That's Gay

BangkokBois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide

Sure the star or whatever it is you put on top of your Christmas tree is supposed to be the ornament; it has the place of honor after all. But not unlike with the 1%ers who rely on all those below them for their lofty position, on a Christmas tree the ornaments you hang below your topper can either make or break your decorating efforts. Being a gay man, you might think your tree needs lots of rainbows or should be done in pink. But we are known for being both witty and gay, and with the opportunity of visual puns on Christmas balls . . .

Deck your . . . oh never mind, , you get the picture.

Deck your . . . oh never mind, , you get the picture.

This year two men’s health charities came up with the same idea and are offering Bauballs as their holiday donation drive. Focusing on what all men consider their most important package of any season, Bauballs are shiny Christmas tree decoration in the shape of a dangling pair of balls. You can get your hands on a pair from either Everyman or Orchid, both non-profit organizations that promote testicular cancer awareness.

bauballs

Orchid’s site – which is temporarily out of their bauballs though they promise a new sackful will soon be ready – also features health advice and a how to guide for checking yourself or a friend. Everyman’s set of Bauballs are available through Etsy and they offer eight different designs including an elf’s, snowman’s, Santa’s, and a reindeer’s impressive pair of low hangers.

boxed bauballs

If testicular cancer is spotted at an early stage there’s about a 98% chance of cure. Not that y’all need and excuse for playing with yourself, regularly checking your puppies for unusual lumps can save your life. Or at least your sex life. And if you really like your friends, you’ll volunteer to check them too. Hell, since it’s about health, don’t be shy about stopping any hot stranger and offering to check his balls for him too. The Christmas season is all about giving after all.

holiday bauballs

And while we are on the subject of balls, Mario Lopez’ salute to the holidays was a pretty ballsy move in itself. Mario is still trying to convince someone he isn’t gay, and tweeted out this heart-warming holiday picture of his ass draped in red undies decorating his Christmas tree. Even though Mario is just one of the girls, I don’t know that mooning your daughter is the best idea for a family holiday tradition. But ‘tis the season, so what the hell . . .

It’s a Mario Lopez Booty Dressed In Red Christmas

It’s a Mario Lopez Booty Dressed In Red Christmas

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Bangkok Bois Holiday Gift Guide: Gifts For The Gay Guy

Bangkok Bois Holiday Gift Guide: Gifts For The Gay Guy

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part V)

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part V)

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part VI)

BangkokBois’ 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part VI)

BangkokBois’ 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: Stocking Stuffers For Bar Boys

10 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Holiday Gift Guide, It's A Gay World

≈ 4 Comments

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That's Gay

BangkokBois 2012 Holiday Gift Guide

Christmas is coming. While whether the goose is getting fat or not is debatable, if you are a sexpat in Thailand, you degree of obesity is probably a foregone conclusion. No problemo. But while you are adding Xs to your shirt size, the holiday season is a good time to stop and consider the needs of the boys you pay to say they love you. The Christmas holiday season is all about giving, so don’t forget to pick up some goodies for your favorite ho ho hoe.

Of course when it comes to holiday gift giving for the barboys in your life, baht – or anything wrapped in baht – is always the perfect choice. But many sexpats like to play Santa Claus since they have the build for it, and want to add a little something special for their boy special. Here’s a few inexpensive gift suggestion that will put a smile on his face. At least until he remembers what you are hiding behind that red suit.

This handy inflatable walker will make sure your bar boy’s customer for the night’s lack of ambulatory skills will not prevent the pair from making a trip to the closest ATM.

This handy inflatable walker will make sure your bar boy’s customer for the night’s lack of ambulatory skills will not prevent the pair from making a trip to the closest ATM.

Nothing can ruin a bar boy’s plans for the holidays quicker than an old fart customer who is incapable of walking to the closest ATM and making his daily withdrawal. What’s the good of those magic cash dispensing machines if you can’t get there? This Inflatable Walker is a practical gift your bar boy will greatly appreciate. As will his bank account. Un-inflated it is easily packable in his backpack, right along with his jumbo box of condoms. The bonus is that after being tired out from blowing up the walker, he’ll have a good excuse for refusing to sa-moke the octogenarian whose bank account he’ll soon be cleaning out.

To a bar boy, nothing smells like success like a visit to an American fast food restaurant.

To a bar boy, nothing smells like success like a visit to an American fast food restaurant.

Yup, bar boys love nothing more than dining at America’s fast food restaurants. It’s status and a meal all in one fell swoop, thanks to your willingness to pony up the price of a meal that he’d never pay for out of his own pocket. Of course the status he gains from dining there is only good if his friends, family, and bar mates see him doing so. And since they are all busy fleecing the farang they’ve adopted as an ATM, that’s unlikely. No problemo. Pizza Hut has come to the rescue, offering their own signature scent that smells just like the mystery meat they serve on their pizzas. Now your boy can smell like he just ate at Pizza Hut, even if it’s been weeks since you took him there. Pizza Hut’s eau de pizza is only currently available in Canada, but your boy is surely worth a quick trip to Toronto to stock up before heading off on your holiday in Thailand.

Danger Will Robinson! Farang odors ahead!

Danger Will Robinson! Farang odors ahead!

And speaking of toxic smells: Bar boys just have to accept the fact that even when freshly showered their farang customers still smell bad. It’s all that dairy and beef in their diet and it’s just part of a bar boy’s life. That doesn’t mean he should have to be further tortured by the smells you leave behind in your hotel’s bathroom. Sure he should know better than to enter the bathroom right after you’ve used it, but his concentration was on the Thai sit-com playing on the television and on figuring out just how much taxi money you’d be good for at the end of the night. Now you can show you have a good heart by providing a warning with the Toxic Gases Toilet Caution Cone – let him know he needs to quickly run the other way before he catches a whiff of what your digestive system really thinks about Thai food.

Now if only Pattaya would add this product to the town’s water supply . . .

ow if only Pattaya would add this product to the town’s water supply . . .

With the scent of baht in the air, your bar boy du jour willingly ignored your dour and grumpy disposition back at his bar. Back at your hotel he’ll have to face up to the reality of his situation: another night spent with a disgruntled old fart who hates everything about the world. Farang sexpats have little to do with sanook even when that’s what they are out on the town looking for. Now you can refrain from joining the ranks of the grumpy gusses your boy has had to deal with in the past with a supply of Dr. Benjamin Passmore’s Cure for Grumpiness, Grouchiness, Irritability and Short Temper. Each box contains four herbal bath bags that infuse the water with lavender and other soothing herbs to promote feelings of euphoric happiness and neighborly love. And while you are soaking your grumpiness away, it will give him the time he needs to go through your wallet and help himself to a tip. Then even if the Cure for Grumpiness has no impact on your personality, he’ll still have a big smile on his face.

Even Pattaya’s most degenerate sexpats leave bar boys alone while they are praying.

Even Pattaya’s most degenerate sexpats leave bar boys alone while they are praying.

Thai bar boys are a religious lot and frequently turn to Buddha when they need help in their lives. Like the first time they see you naked. But what is a poor bar boy to do when the closest wat is half a block away and your 300 lbs. of blubber is between him and the door? Thanks to this handy Inflatable Buddha he can still find a bit of enlightenment, or at least be able to pray his little heart out that what is about to come won’t be as disgusting as it was the last time. Shame the gods never seem to listen to the pleas of humans, huh?

How much sweeter can you get?

How much sweeter can you get?

But let’s get serious. Christmas is a farang holiday. So it really should be all about you. Which won’t surprise your bar boy du jour in the least ‘cuz that’s the attitude of all sexpats in Pattaya. That makes this Candy Posing Pouch the perfect gift to make your latest off tasty while you remain true to yourself: tasteless. Even better, the three hundred and thirty fruit-flavored sweets that make up this bedroom treat are fat-free so you can enjoy a new boy nightly without concern that you’ll have to be moving up to XXXXXL sized T-shirts for the new year.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

BangkokBois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

BangkokBois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part IV)

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Bangkok Bois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part II)

Bangkok Bois 2011 Holiday Gift Guide (Part II)

BangkokBois’ 2012 Holiday Gift Guide: What Not To Buy A Gay Guy For Christmas

06 Thursday Dec 2012

Posted by Bangkokbois in Holiday Gift Guide, It's A Gay World

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That's Gay

BangkokBois’ 2012 Holiday Gift Guide

I ran across a new term the other day, visibly gay. It was used by a guy, quite proudly I might add, who would have been called obviously gay in the past, or maybe even ‘not straight acting.’ I only mention this because of my recent time spent on Google searching Christmas Gifts For Gay Guys. All the suggestions for holiday presents were presented by either a visibly gay guy – and played on all of the stereotypical gay traits – or by a clueless straight person – which also played on all of the stereotypical gay traits. According to both, if it is pink, has rainbows on it, or in any manner the word ‘fashion’ can be attached, it’s the perfect gift for any gay man. Kinda makes you wish you were Jewish.

Whether visibly gay or not, I never realized we were so problematic in buying holiday gifts for. The question of what to buy for a gay guy is a popular one on Google. It’s like we are some foreign species who share nothing in common with breeders. And all recommended gifts focus on the gay instead of the guy. Maybe the question should really be what to buy a visibly gay guy for Christmas. Because when you start your answer with “Never buy a gay guy a power tool,” there’s something wrong. I like power tools. I consider a hardware store to be a toy store for adults. All of my lesbian friends do too. And the visibly gay guys I know who shudder at the sight of a hammer would be perfectly fine with a gift of a power tool if it was the 25th anniversary edition of Jeff Stryker’s most popular DVD.

I’m sure the ‘what do I buy for my gay friend for Christmas’ question is well-meant. I’d like to think so. But really it comes off not unlike when you try to show how you are not a racist by mentioning your black friend. Christmas for black gay guys must really suck. As does being the gay guy whose boyfriend turns to the internet asking, “What should I buy for my gay boyfriend for Christmas?” That one is easy to answer. Get him a new boyfriend. ‘Cuz it is obvious that he needs one.

gay christmas gift 1

Years ago a friend of mine who is visibly lesbian (she wears a lot of flannel) got a little black and white cow set of salt and pepper shakers as a gift for some holiday or celebration. This is the danger in making friends of people who think re-gifting is a good idea. Anyway, on the next gift-giving occasion that rolled around she got two more black and white cow gifts. Too polite to store said cows where they belonged (what day is trash day again?) her house was soon filled with black and white cow paraphernalia. I’m sure all of those cows came from either straight friends or lesbians because no gay man would ever consider such kitsch as something you’d actually spend money on. Or inflict on someone you know and like. The point is, she was never fond of black and white cows. In fact she grew to hate them. So guess what happens when a well-meaning straight friend gives you something with rainbows on it?

I’m sure there are visibly gay guys out there who would love a rainbow flag, rainbow T-shirt, or a set of rainbow salt and pepper shakers. Ditto for a gift basket of condoms and lube or anything and everything with a dick on it. For the rest of us, cash is best. Not a giftcard for GayMart mind you, but the green stuff. Don’t worry that cash is not personal enough of a gift, because when you decide to go the personal route, you scare us. If nothing else we can use it to pay for the therapy sessions we’ve need thanks to gifts you’ve given us in the past. For those of you who can not resist buying something that you can wrap – though seriously, y’all have absolutely no taste when it comes to wrapping presents so do you really want to hand your amateurish attempt to a professional? – here’s a list of what not to buy a gay guy for Christmas.

Rainbows. Did I really need to repeat that yet again? Obviously yes because there is far too much rainbow merchandise on the market. And you straight people just can’t stop yourselves from buying it. Rainbows symbolize gay pride. Cool. I’m as proud about being gay as I am about all of the other facets of my life. That doesn’t mean I want to wear a T-shirt with a picture of a nine inch ruler on it either. If you just can’t shake the urge to get me a rainbow for Christmas, a round trip ticket to Hawaii is the perfect gift.

gay christmas gift 2

Dick. Thanks, but I already have one. And know where to get more when I need it. Pictures, cards, statues, posters, and whatevers of hot naked men are not something I need as a gift. That’s what the internet is for. And if you give me a statue of a naked man and I don’t re-gift it back to you next year, my house will soon be filled with replicas of naked men, just like my lesbian friend’s house is filled with little black and white cows. Now if you want to buy me an actual hot naked man, that’s a different story. I’ll take a Mapplethorpe original too, but know that that puppy is going up for auction come December 26th.

Couture. Not being visibly gay, I had to look the spelling up for that word. High fashion to me means going with button fly Levi’s instead of jeans with a zipper. Yes, some gay guys would love anything with an Armani label on it. The rest of us will be wearing that shirt the next time we change the oil in our car. We are not all fashion divas. Some of us don’t qualify as any sort of diva. But even us non-divas know that a tie with rainbows on it does not qualify as high fashion.

Personal Grooming Items. Sorry, but the straight guys I know spend way more time and money on personal grooming items than I do. Even if it is mistakenly spent on Axe products. Yes, most gay guys look good. But that’s natural for us. Not because we’ve devoted our medicine cabinets to every cosmeticry know to man. As for cologne, if you know the brand I use but several times a year, no problemo. Otherwise you may be picking out the favorite brand of my old boyfriend, the scent of which will instantly remind me of that tragic night when he failed to douche . . . and we really don’t want to go there again. Ever.

gay christmas gift 3

Drag. Believe it or not the majority of gay men have never had the urge to slip on women’s garments. And those that do already have closets full of the stuff. If you can not resist going the drag route, Google Lesbian Drag. I have no problem slipping on a Pendleton shirt when it’s cold outside.

Gay Sex Toys. First, you really have no idea what most of those things are or what you are supposed to do with them. So let’s not, okay? Yes, gay men are interested in sex. Just like straight men are. That doesn’t mean we are all waiting in breathless anticipation for Santa to bring us a new dildo. You need to quit focusing on the ‘gay’ part of me because unless I’ve done you, you really haven’t a clue what the sex part of being gay entails when it comes to me. Unless you want me to focus on the straight part of you: since the majority of pedophiles are straight I guess that means you’ll be getting a year’s membership to 5 Year Old Vixens. com from me this year.

Gay. So you haven’t discovered what a rainbow stands for yet, huh? Look, we already established I’m gay. I don’t need something with the word ‘gay’ on it to remind me, or you, of that fact. I’m not going to wear a T-shirt that says GAY on it – if it was important to me to let everyone I meet know that I am gay I’d be visibly gay to start with. I’m gay but my car isn’t so the gay license plate holder is a non-starter too. I drink Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, so a gay coffee mug is a no-go (ya know how touchy those Jamaicans are about the gay thingy). And anyone who sees my boxer shorts up close and personal will already know I’m gay so there’s no need for the small print there either.

gay christmas gift 4

Gay CDs / DVDs: Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m gong to appreciate a CD of a bunch of 50-year-old queens from Vermont singing Silent Night. Stevie Nicks already cut the definitive version of that song. And I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber either, nor am I positive which of the two actually has a dick. Personally, I’m a blues fan, and I don’t know of any out blues guitarists. And even if B.B. King did come out, that’s not a visual I need to have floating in my head. As for the movies, every gay man has already seen Brokeback Mountain; few of us need or want the Glee DVD boxed set; and if you go the porn route you’ll probably pick out some movie filled with twinks which will be as exciting for me to watch as it would be for you.

Fruitcake. Really? Just couldn’t bring yourself to actually buy that bottle of anal lube, huh? Well, go for it. At least you won’t have to worry about having that fruitcake re-gifted to you next year because I won’t know you by next year. Which starts in just a few days.

So what should you buy for the gay man on your Christmas list? Well thought out items he is most likely to appreciate because of his personality, tastes, hobbies or career is the way to go. Unless you are buying a gift for a very, very close friend you know that it’s neither appropriate nor necessary to take somebody’s sexual preferences into account, as it has very little relevance to what gift would be suitable. You wouldn’t normally buy sex toys, erotic films and books, or what you think is sexy underwear for your straight friends, and neither should you for your gay friends (though we’ll swap that shit between ourselves well into the New Year). Your doing so may be perceived as patronizing or labelling. Because it is. It’s better to go for gifts that don’t make specific reference to your gay friend’s sexuality in the same way as it’s better to go for gifts that don’t make a specific point of somebody’s nationality, race, or color. If you like me enough to buy me a gift, like me enough to respect who I am. Whether I’m visibly gay or not.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

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Sawatdee and welcome to the new and improved Bangkokbois Gay Thailand Blog! Okay, so it’s not necessarily improved, just hosted on a new site. And it’s not just about Thailand, though that still is the main focus. And it’s not all gay either, unless you’re not and then you’ll think it’s pretty damn gay I’m sure. All of the penis might tip you off. Which means if you are not of the required legal age to be looking at penis other than your own, you should leave. And go tell your parental units they suck at their job.

But it is a blog and one out of three ain’t bad. Besides, Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand Blog For People Of Legal Age is just too wordy. But so is Dancing With The Devil In The City Of Angels, which is really the title of this blog.

As cool of a title as that is, Google just ain’t sharp enough to figure out that means this blog is mostly about Thailand. And pretty damn gay to boot. The penis part even Google figured out. Which is a good thing. ‘Cuz Bangkokbois Pretty Gay Mostly About Thailand With Lots Of Penis Blog For People Of Legal Age, I think, was taken by someone else.

Move along, there’s nothing to see here folks; pay no attention to that man behind the curtain:

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