You'd think with a bar called Dream Boy alone your chances of meeting the man of your dreams in Bangkok would be great. But then this is Thailand.

You’d think with a bar called Dream Boy alone your chances of meeting the man of your dreams in Bangkok would be great. But then this is Thailand.

Whether it is your first time offing a bar boy in Bangkok or your 100th, you are always in for a surprise. The more experienced punters usually have a long check-list of criteria they use in selecting their boy du jour, the first-timer often goes with the first bar boy who smiles at him. Both are equally at risk of landing a dud. ‘Cuz it is not until you get back to your hotel room and unwrap the package that you really know what you are getting. And the chances of you having a happy ending are about 50/50. Or 50/40 ‘cuz there’s always a 10% chance he’ll turn out to be a ladyboy too.

If only you really did get what you paid for, the life of a sex tourist would be grand. Some punters are lucky and meet the bar boy of their dreams. Many only meet the bar boy of their dreams if you consider nightmares to be dreams too. Most adopt the philosophy of if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. What you will find along that path to sexual enlightenment is that as special as every bar boy may be, they all tend to fit into categories, rankings of bar boys that share traits that are difficult to miss. Unfortunately, in most cases the customer doesn’t catch those little hints until after the act. And that means that you, like all those who have cum before you, will eventually meet these 10 types of bar boys you’ll off in Bangkok:

The Gay Boy bar boy should be easy to spot because he looks like he isn't.

The Gay Boy bar boy should be easy to spot because he looks like he isn’t.

1. The Gay Boy:
Being gay themselves, many punters claim they only off gay bar boys. That’s usually due to a mistaken belief that the twenty-year-old gay boy they do off will be more ‘into’ having sex with another man than would a straight one. They are partially correct in that assumption. The gay bar boy would in fact enjoy having sex with another man. As in any man other than you. Gay bar boys are no more attracted to fat, bald, myopic, elderly farang that are their straight counterparts. And any bar boy, gay or straight, will find you attractive enough if your wallet outweighs all of your other faults.

The biggest problem with offing The Gay Boy is in translation. Thais have never quite adopted the gay/straight designations used in the western world. To Thais there are men and then there are gays. The gays are all effeminate and as close to being a ladyboy as possible without stuffing your bra, an act which may be only a week or so away. That’s still not a problem if you prefer your men to be woman-like, but can be problematic when your purchase for the evening shows back up after changing into his street clothes.

There’s not much to be done when you’ve already agreed to the off and settled up your check bin before your boy du jour flounces back to your table reeking of Chanel knock-off and wearing the same outfit your 12-year-old niece showed up in at your family’s last 4th of July barbeque. Why the boys who want to be girls in Thailand all adopt the make-up stylings of Tammy Faye Bakker is one of life’s greatest mysteries. If you are not smart enough to excuse yourself to use the restroom, and then flee for the safety of the streets, that means you’ll get to parade down the major arteries of Patpong trailed by a strange little creature wearing leopard print leggings.

Of course if that idea bothers you, you only have yourself to blame. Unfortunately, there is also The Gay Boy subspecies known as The Closeted Gay Boy. That doesn’t mean he is not out. Everyone in Bangkok knows he’s gay. But on stage, in his underwear he looked like any other masculine man. But then when he shows up back at your table ready to go he’s decked out in all of his fabulousness. If that meant he is definitely a bottom, it’s possible you’d be willing to overlook his choice of dress. But just like ladyboys are often tops, the Gay Boy bar boy is often not into taking the bottom position either. But ya never know, and self-discovery can be a wonderful thing.

The Straight Boy bar boy looks like the perfect date until you get him back to your hotel room only to discover he doesn't have sex with men.

The Straight Boy bar boy looks like the perfect date until you get him back to your hotel room only to discover he doesn’t have sex with men.

2. The Straight Boy:
If every bar boy in Bangkok didn’t tell you he lies you as part of his introductory greeting, it’d be easier to separate the gay from the gay-for-pay. Not that how he self-identifies has anything to do with your orgasm. Unless he starts repeatedly telling you he is a man. That’s Thai for straight. And by straight I mean 100%. Why a straight boy would take a job that basically requires he have sex with other men would make little sense if it were anywhere else in the world other than Thailand. But in the kingdom The Straight Boy bar boy can make a good living by never having gay sex.

The Straight Boy bar boy will not kiss. He will not engage in anal, in either or any position. He may allow you to hug him, usually only while the two of you are still clothed. What he may agree to, if you caught him on a good night, is to get naked and masturbate while watching straight porn on his iPhone. As long as you stay at least ten feet away from him at all times.

The strangest thing about offing The Straight Boy bar boy is that after your extremely short-time together is over, after he may or may not have cum, and after who cares if you did or not, he will give you his cellphone number and ask for yours in return. As though you’d seriously want to relive that not-an-experience again. You’d think that would be the icing on the just-doesn’t-get-it cake, but 30% of his customers will re-book him for a second go round. And 15% of those will begin to refer to him as their boyfriend.

Faster than a speeding bullet, The Short-Timer bar boy manages to make a career out of being a premature ejaculator.

Faster than a speeding bullet, The Short-Timer bar boy manages to make a career out of being a premature ejaculator.

3. The Short-Timer:
Many punters are into quantity over quality and prefer offing a bar boy for short-time, which is generally considered to be for an hour or so max. The dedicated Short-Timer bar boy can fit a half a dozen offs into that hour. Their battle cry is You Cum, I Go and if you don’t quickly enough he will and will be out the door faster than you can say taxi money. The Short-Timer bar boy isn’t into showering first – that’s a waste of his valuable time. Ditto for completely undressing. And you can forget about safe-sex because by the time you could get a condom unwrapped he’ll have already cum and will be at the door ready to accept his tip.

While most bar boys dedicate their working hours to landing a customer, The Short-Timer’s efforts are all about escape. Once the two of you are out of the bar he will immediately tell you he can not stay later than (add 15 minutes to whatever time your watch says it currently is). And in case you prove to be a difficult customer, he will already have one of his barmates lined up to call him with a ready-made excuse for why he has to leave. Like a sick or dying relative. Or a demanding mamasan who insists he return to his bar.

For the true butterfly, the cool thing about booking The Short-Timer bar boy is that as soon as the both of you arrive back on the soi, you can book him again. He won’t remember that you are the customer he just finished with and the perplexed look on his face from the vaguely familiar surroundings when you arrive back at your hotel again minutes later can be priceless. And on your second go round you may even be able to sneak an orgasm in.

Same-Sex marriage is not legal in Thailand but that doesn't mean you won't be wed for life as far as The Long-Timer bar boy is concerned.

Same-Sex marriage is not legal in Thailand but that doesn’t mean you won’t be wed for life as far as The Long-Timer bar boy is concerned.

4. The Long-Timer:
The Long-Timer bar boy (AKA The Boyfriend) is a butterfly’s worst nightmare. By long-time you mean over night and possibly through breakfast the next morning. By long-time he means for the rest of your life. Or at least as long as you stay in Bangkok. The Long-Timer bar boy doesn’t just show his ID card to your hotel’s reception desk, he registers himself into your room. And checks for any future bookings you may have made so that he can be registered into your room for those dates too.

Many bar boys hope to find a generous farang who will ‘sponsor’ them. The Long-Timer bar boy dispenses with that hunt and just assumes any farang who books him just committed to a life-long relationship. And ridding yourself of him is an impossible feat. The Long-Timer bar boy is like a boomerang. You toss him out of your hotel room and he just comes flying right back at you. If you kick him out after breakfast, when you return hours later he’ll be waiting patiently for you in your hotel’s lobby. And will be ready to talk about your future life together and which china pattern will make the biggest splash at your wedding.

The biggest danger with Long-Timer bar boys is that there are so many of them. If you do manage to successfully rid yourself of one (which usually requires changing hotels at the very least) you can not ever show up at his bar again. Even a decade later. If you do, he’ll magically appear at your side before your first Singha does, ready to resurrect your romance as though that plastic surgery you underwent to disguise your identity really made a difference. Unfortunately there are only so many bars on Soi Twilight, so after racking up about a dozen Long-Timer bar boy offs you can never show your face on that soi again.

The Capitalist bar boy has his sights set on a long and loving relationship. With your bank account.

The Capitalist bar boy has his sights set on a long and loving relationship. With your bank account.

5. The Capitalist:
As much as punters like to think the boys working in the bars do so because they just love servicing the elderly, the fact is that for most of them it is just a job. To some, however, you are their career. And The Capitalist bar boy is all about you being his life-long employment opportunity. But don’t confuse The Capitalist bar boy with The Long-Timer bar boy, he’s not about a relationship with you. The only relationship he is interested in is one with your wallet.

The Capitalist bar boy differs from his barmates in that along with the popular bar boy greeting sequence of what your name, where you stay, how long you stay Bangkok, he will immediately ask you to buy him a drink. Because nothing turns The Capitalist bar boy on like seeing your hand reach for your back pocket. Not that it’s all about your money and how much of it you may be willing to spend on him. He cares about others too. So he’ll also ask you to buy a few of his barmates a drink, will ask you to tip a few of his barmates, and will remind you to tip a mamasan or two too. Because that shows you are jai dee. And a jai dee farang is a farang willing to finance the lifestyle of everyone he knows.

The Capitalist bar boy is not a fan of short-time offs, unless you tip well and are willing to book a short-time with him every night of your vacation. And will consider that enough to qualify as boyfriend material so that you will send him cash throughout the year too. No, The Capitalist bar boy prefers to spend lots of quality time with you instead. So there is time to go shopping (so you can buy him stuff), time to reflect on how wonderful the two of you get along (so you can buy him gifts), time to stop at 7/11 (so you can but him a fresh stock of his everyday necessities), time to meet his family (so you can but them gifts), time to meet his friends (so you can but them gifts while buying him stuff), and time to become familiar enough with your internet banking passwords so that you don’t have to remember to buy him stuff when the two of you are apart.

The Fresh Off the Farm bar boy is a blank canvas waiting to be painted upon. I hope you are a fan of Jackson Pollock.

The Fresh Off the Farm bar boy is a blank canvas waiting to be painted upon. I hope you are a fan of Jackson Pollock.

6. The FOF:
The Fresh Off the Farm (FOF) bar boy is the Thai bar boy version of the FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) guy; he’s never been outside of his village before, never saw a farang before, and only has had sexual experiences with his family’s livestock. There are pros and cons to offing a FOF bar boy. That his skills at giving a hand job suspiciously resemble his moves in milking a cow back home can go either way.

The FOF bar boy does not speak English. He also does not speak gay. So even if you pantomime ‘suck me’ he still won’t have a clue about what you’re saying. Nor will he have a clue about what the toilet in your hotel’s bathroom is for, why you’d think you should see him naked, or what your ass pointed in the air is suppose to mean. Unless your ass reminds him of his favorite water buffalo back home.

There are some punters who enjoy offing FOF bar boys, just like there are some punters who enjoy spending time with a virgin. And with FOF bar boys that’s usually one and the same thing. No matter how many times they’ve been offed before. Which should tell you something. Usually your time with a FOF bar boy will be as fulfilling as discovering that both you and the hottie you picked up back at the disco are both bottoms. But you will have cute stories to tell your friends about the footprints you found on your toilet seat.

The Buddha's Gift bar boy has the looks of a top male model, but what you see is all that you will get.

The Buddha’s Gift bar boy has the looks of a top male model, but what you see is all that you will get.

7. The Buddha’s Gift:
The Buddha’s Gift bar boy can be found on Soi Twilight although if he is your taste you’ll do better shopping at Jupiter, or even Tawan. These are the bar boys who would score a 10 in almost anyone’s book. And know it. They believe they are the gods’ gift to gays. And while The Buddha’s Gift bar boy may be straight or gay, much like with The Straight bar boy, your job is to admire and not touch. That you get to spend some personal one-on-one time with a The Buddha’s Gift bar boy should be enough to satisfy you. ‘Cuz actually satisfying you is not part of his plan.

The Buddha’s Gift bar boy usually only books short-time offs, being firm believers in that too much of a good thing is bad for you. They tend to believe an orgasm is bad for you too, though they usually will allow you to have one if it is self-induced and you are quick about it. For a The Buddha’s Gift bar boy, a long-time off is anything that lasts over 45 minutes (and never longer than an hour). He’ll also expect at least 1,000 baht more than the going rate, along with 500 baht for taxi money even though his bar is just across the soi from the short-time hotel that was the only place he would agree to go to with you.

Fortunately, The Buddha’s Gif bar boys are quite narcissistic and might even get hard if you pull out your camera. Not that that will do anything towards you having an orgasm, but your friends back home won’t know that and when you show off your photos of him they’ll all be jealous. Which is almost as good as an orgasm anyway.

Yaba-Daba don't.

Yaba-Daba don’t.

8. The Addict:
Yaba is a popular drug among Thai bar boys, which some assume is due to the soul-crushing work they do. But the fact is yaba is popular among all Thai men between the ages of 18 and 25. It’d be as popular among those a bit older too but yaba addicts rarely live past their 25th year. The Addict bar boy could also be anyone one of the other nine types of bar boys you’ll off in Bangkok, and probably was at one time. But once yaba becomes his sole reason for living, all other considerations drop by the wayside. So you can imagine just how much your happy ending rates with The Addict bar boy.

There are obvious signs that the bar boy your are thinking about offing is a yaba addict, but I won’t bother listing them because all you’ll be looking at is his crotch anyway. A good tip that you just offed an Addict bar boy, however, is when he has to make a quick stop down a dark alley on your way back to your hotel. That is only two blocks from his bar. There is also the anxiousness he’ll display once in your room, which has nothing to do with being nervous about being in an unfamiliar hotel with an unfamiliar man. Nor does his repeated visits to your room’s bathroom have anything to do with him having a small bladder.

On the plus side, assuming he doesn’t steal your iPhone, camera, and laptop, The Addict bar boy is an excellent choice if you are into short-time offs. And he will see that you get the orgasm you paid for too. ‘Cuz the sooner you come, the sooner he’ll get the money he needs for his next hit.

Being built like a Greek god is not necessarily a good thing.

Being built like a Greek god is not necessarily a good thing.

9. The Surprise Package:
One of the pluses in offing a guy from a gogo bar is that at the very least you’ll get to check out his package when he is on stage wearing nothing but his underwear. And as a gay man, calculating bulge into meat is usually not much of a challenge. But bar boys are quite skilled at packaging their packages to insure the most bookings, so there’s a good chance you’ll be in for a surprise when you finally get him back to your hotel room. Unfortunately, surprises are not any more popular in undressing your boy du jour than those that come in a box of Craker Jacks are. Although if you were lucky enough to score one of those little magnifying glasses in your Craker Jacks, it may come in handy.

The Surprise Package bar boy comes in two flavors, both of which are guaranteed to disappoint. The first is about size. Not that Asians are exactly known for being well-hung in the first place, but then you wouldn’t expect the owner of a micro-penis to be making a living out of having sex with strangers either. Although come to think about it, guys with a micro-penis probably only get to have sex with strangers. Other than hoping he is a bottom, there’s not much you can do when you discover The Surprise Package bar boy you just offed is a bit lacking. You can always throw him back in the pond and hope he grows into himself, but that does little for the happy ending you just paid for. And while it sounds reasonable, paying by the inch is not generally considered the proper way of going about tipping a bar boy. On the plus side, your best buddy will suddenly appear to be gigantic. And that’s never a bad thing.

The second flavor The Surprise Package bar boy comes in is about shape. Specifically about those shapes that the gods never intended to appear on a human penis. Unfortunately there is no way to tell in advance that the bar boy you are considering booking has a fang muk. Or a dozen of them. If you have not been unlucky enough to run into the phenomenon before, fang muck are small beads Asian men insert under the skin of their penis, supposedly because they give sex partners a thrill. Although why anyone would think most people’s reaction of throwing up when they encounter a fang muk would ever be considered thrilling is beyond me. While it would be rude to make fun of The Surprise Package bar boy who is a bit short in life, since he was born that way, you should have no qualms about laughing at The Surprise Package bar boy who only has himself to blame for the horrible misshapen sight his penis is. Granted, he will probably not want to stay when you are laughing at his penis, but then you didn’t really want to touch that thing anyway. And maybe next time you’ll get lucky and only have a micro-penis to deal with.

Sorry, I've already maxed out my daily limit on twink photos today.

Sorry, I’ve already maxed out my daily limit on twink photos today.

10. The Barely Legal:
A perennial favorite among the Sunee Plaza set, the Barely Legal bar boy can be found in Bangkok too, primarily in the cheaper, off-Twilight sleaze bars. These are the bar boys that are legally old enough to work in the bars but look like puberty is still far off in their future. The problem (besides the sickness responsible for those who seek this type of bar boy out) is that they also lack maturity. Of any sort. Even if they speak English, you can not hold a conversation with them because their entire world is that of a 14-year-old and the two of you share no commonalities. Not that that would matter much if you are just there for the sex, but regardless of how many customers have cum before you, the Barely Legal bar boy’s sexual expertise is as non-existent as your happy ending will be. You can chalk that up to bad luck. I’d call it karma at work.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
Gay Gogo Bar First Timers Guide Part IX

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Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don'ts For The Newbie

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Dear Ann

Dear Ann