Where You Stay?

03 Friday Apr 2015

Tags

Hotels and Restaurants, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Sometimes it’s about where you stay, others about who you stay with.

In case you missed it, there’s a young(ish) Canadian sexpat offering his master bedroom to travelers visiting Khon Kaen. Snagging a booking may be a bit difficult as he has a perfect record of setting up rendezvous with fellow travelers and then failing to show. But the room comes with amenities, including overflowing ashtrays, dog hair, and an incredible assortment of creepy-crawlies. And there is no joiner fee as he has a strict policy against joiners. On the plus side, for a limited time only visitors can help him learn how to use Grindr, ‘cuz his career writing computer code hasn’t prepared him to master the simple task of working a phone app on his own.

While travelers visiting Khon Kaen may have few places of accommodations to choose from, Bangkok and Pattaya offer a smorgasbord of hotels, motels, love rooms, and hostels for every budget and every taste. But some visitors want more. They want to not only book a room, but book a friend for life too. And there is no better way of doing that than staying in some stranger’s house. ‘Cuz if you can land a boyfriend in Thailand by opening your wallet, just think of the friends you can make by paying them to host your visit to their country.

Thanks to Mister BNB you too can now pass on those antiseptic lodgings offered by greedy corporations like Marriott, Hyatt, and Starwood, and instead book your room with a friendly gay Donald Trump wannabe. Sure, their website is a bit difficult to navigate and appears to be developed by a computer-coding Canadian sexpat who can’t figure out how to use Grindr, but that’s just part of the experience. So while it may take you a few dozen clicks to sort through the mess, once you do you’ll not only find photos of the places people want to rent in their homes in Thailand, but profile photos of who you’ll be staying with too. So who needs Grindr?

Here are a few of the wonderful gay hosts just waiting to book you in Bangkok and Pattaya:

Where Sleeping Dogs Lie
Why make that long trek to Khon Kaen when you can lie down with the dogs in Bangkok? Brian, who from his profile photo looks like he’s found more than one way to make a few spare bucks, has a simple room in a row house just a 15 minute walk through a Thai/Chinese neighborhood to the closest BTS station for a mere $50 per night. And you’ll probably want to spend those 15 minutes walking the house’s dog to avoid any unpleasantness when walking through your accommodations barefoot.

A Night With Angry Lesbians
Nam is a 43-year-old single English speaking Bangkokian who offers room in his 2 Bedroom apartment for just $82 per night. He doesn’t offer much in the way of details about his rental, but does provide lots of photos, all of which highlight his choice of angry lesbian decor. If you’ve ever wondered about those travelers who claim where you stay isn’t that important ‘cuz you spend so little time there anyway, a night at Nam’s should clarify that sentiment. Or just scare the bejesus out of you.

When Dead Animals Make you Blue
Mickael too has opted to go with the Horror Tourism route, offering his aptly named ‘Blue Room’ on Sukhumvit Soi 26 at a terrifying rate of $190 per night. The room comes with its own bathroom, and a private balcony which you may find a new use for after spending a night trying to not walk on the dead animal pelts used as carpeting. Mickael too has a bit of a sinister look about him, which becomes even a bit more worrisome when he describes that balcony’s location as “a single throw from transport.” But if you haven’t worked up the balls for a visit to Bar Bar, Bangkok’s #1 SM club, I get the felling Mickael will only be too happy to show you the sights.

Boot Camp For Your Booty
Angkrit is a 35-year-old Thai world traveler who has decorated his abode with buys he made at flea markets in Europe and the UK, which must feature lots of military surplus. Located in the Silom area, within walking distance to the night market and Silom Soi 2 and 4, he, an expat, and a pink traveler offer comfy bunk beds for $11 per night in his “homely gay friendly house.” He says he “enjoys hosting people, enjoys food and making them, bakery and baking them, people and meeting them.” So he may be a friend of Mickael’s. But at $11 a night, who cares?

Nothing Says Home Or Harem Like Mosquito Netting
“A true Budweiser, an original Bohemian and a confirmed Bunburyist!” who “loves Stephen Fry, adores Edina & Patsy, and no one makes me laugh like Miranda does!” Farouk is a 36-year-old “Czech Egyption Expat” who has a private and spacious master bedroom for rent at $33 per night in a duplex that belongs to his business partner. Located in the heart of Bangkok´s Central Business District, the room comes with its own bathroom, a 60″ TV, DVD, WiFi, Air-con, Storage space, Maid service, a balcony, 24 hours security service, and fire and heat sensors in all rooms and common areas. Plus mosquito netting. More importantly, Farouk wants you to know hes has a “body thankful and active” which must work well with being an “easygoing creature with a passion for discovery.” Swipe left.

Decorative Soaps All In A Row
Mister BNB lists rooms in both gay and gay-friendly houses, but when one of the room photos features decorative soaps all in a row, ya know the place belongs to a friendly gay. And that’d be John,a 29-year-old who offers a cozy room in his nice apartment for a nightly fee of $36. John doesn’t offer much way in the way of descriptions of his rental, but ain’t no slouch in the marketing department as he’s listed his place twice, each with a different profile pic. And at that price John looks like a keeper.

The Blue Man Group Sex
Noppadol, who is a 49-year-old gay couple, know what visitors to Pattaya really want. Wink, wink. And while a room rate of $39 a night might be more than Pattaya aficionados like to pay, The Noppadol defuses that nasty bit of detail by letting you know Nude OK! right off the bat. It/They also want you to know “we do not simply offer “only” guest rooms, (wink, wink) but does offer “always nice other guests (wink, wink). And in case you missed it, at The Noppadol’s “everything you are looking for you can find here” (wink, wink).

It’s All Greek To Me
Stettcos (whether that’s a person or a thing is up for debate) on the other hand doesn’t seem to quite grasp the allure of Pattaya. Or its fans’ spending habits. The former he/it calls “the Beverly Hills on the eastern seaboard” and for the latter his/its rates run $325 per night. But it’s a villa, not just a room, which unfortunately is “too difficult to describe.” But then the “extra-ordinary and tastefully decorated” abode’s photos speak for themselves.

Thanks, I Will Name It
Paween is a 27-year-old with a 1 Bedroom apartment for two in Silom at $60 per night. He ensures a “home-like experience” and after listing a smattering of amenities finishes his description off with “you name it”. Cool. ‘Cuz I don’t need to see the room, I’m just naming it Paween. And I can’t wait to check in.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
Bangkok’s Best Hotels For The Gay Guy: Keeping The Red Light On (Part 1 The Majors)	Thailand’s Gay Friendly Hotels	Bangkok Gay Gogo Bar Dos And Don’ts For The Newbie: The Hotel Room Edition

Photo Of The Week #20

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Photo Of The Week

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

I’d always wondered where the word ‘cornholed’ came from.

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The Chinese Are Coming! The Chinese Are Coming!

25 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 2 Comments

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

Mainland Chinese tourists are descending on Thailand in droves, and the people of the Land of Smiles have a special greeting for them.

Farang have been the dominate touri demographic in Thailand for decades. And thanks to the internet, first-time English speaking visitors have a wealth of information at their fingertips. But in addition to ideas of what to do and see while in the kingdom, there’s also a plentiful supply of warnings of things not to do. Like falling for the Grand Palace is Closed scam. Which they do anyway. But at least most visitors pay attention to warnings about cultural no-nos to avoid causing offense, or committing a criminal offense. The Ugly American abroad may not be just a stereotype, but for the most part we’ve learned how to behave ourselves while misbehaving in Thailand.

The Russians had their heyday too. Although it was more of a morning than full day. Loud, obnoxious, and culturally insensitive, not long ago it seemed you couldn’t turn around in Thailand without bumping into an over-weight and in dire need of a shower Russian. Then the ruble went back to being the worthless currency it has historically always been. Do svidaniya Russkies.

The new touri paradigm in the Land of Smiles is mainland Chinese visitors. Thailand is one of China’s largest outbound tourism destinations. According to the Tourism Authority of Thailand, around 4.6 million Chinese tourists arrived in Thailand in 2014, a minor decrease from the previous year due to political instability. You’d think with the historical influx of Chinese immigrants to Thailand those arriving on tourist visas would be easily assimilated into Thai culture. Instead, like those nationalities who’ve come before them, touri behaving badly is the name of the game.

The new face of tourism in Thailand.

Farang visitors have been well schooled in the cultural no-nos we’re supposed to avoid. Even if some of those rules make no sense. Never touch a Thai on the head, we’ve been told. But if you’ve ever spent a night enjoying the companionship of a bar boy, it’s difficult to not touch his head when those Siamese ears are just crying out to be used as handles. And while we know it’s rude to point your feet at another person, short of being a talented contortionist that is something difficult to do at times. Chinese tourists have it a bit easier. All they have to learn are a few simple rules. Like not peeing or taking a dump on city streets. For observing cultural sensitivities it may be a case of same same but different, but the Chinese have taken those differences to new heights. And Thailand is not amused.

The most recent incident of Chinese tourists behaving badly happened earlier this week in Chiang Mai. Authorities are looking for a tourist to publicly shame after he single-footedly enraged the nation by kicking a temple bell at the famous temple on top Doi Suthep. Video surfaced online Saturday of the man who is believed to be a visitor from mainland China delivering a deliberate kick to one of the temple’s bells.

Chuan Patwan, an administrator at Doi Suthep Temple, said he could not comment on whether the tourist was Chinese, as he did not witness the incident firsthand. However, he said that many Chinese tourists visited the temple over the weekend. “It will take some time to say whether the tourist is actually Chinese,” Chuan said. “But judging from his style, he was kicking his feet with so much agility, it was like kung fu.”

For Whom The Bell Tolls?

Blaming the Chinese may sound like a bit of xenophobic racism, but Chiang Mai has been plagued by rude and obnoxious visitors from mainland China thanks to the movie Lost in Thailand, a 2012 slapstick comedy that is China’s highest-grossing homegrown movie in history. Part of the film was shot at Chiang Mai University and the bucolic, once laid-back campus of one of Thailand’s top universities is now under a security clampdown. Not against a terrorist threat, but against Chinese tourists.

Thousands of tourists have clambered aboard student buses at the university, made a mess in cafeterias, and sneaked into classes to attend lectures. Someone even pitched a tent by the campus’ picturesque lake. Now visitors are restricted to entering through a single gate manned by Mandarin-speaking volunteers who direct Chinese tourists to a line of vehicles for guided tours. Individual visitors are banned, and a sign in prominent Chinese characters requesting that passports be produced is posted by the gate.

And their egregious behavior has spilled over into the surrounding area too. Chiang Mai residents have complained about Chinese visitors defecating in the city’s moat, causing accidents by driving recklessly – which considering the skills of your average Thai behind the wheel is really saying something – and defacing several tourist attractions, including Chiang Rai’s famous White Wat which banned Chinese visitors last year following complaints of “inappropriate toilet usage”. Evidently, like dogs, Chinese tourists feel the need to mark their spot wherever they go.

The sight of Chinese tourists urinating in public has become so widespread the Chinese government produced an animated PSA commercial using the beloved panda to educate its citizen to be aware of their actions when traveling overseas.

And like a tour bus load of mainland Chinese visitors, the complaints from locals continue to flow. Just this month alone reports surfaced about Chinese visitors breaking off a decades-old wooden stair pole at the Black House Museum in Chiang Rai, and a video that went viral of a Chinese woman drying her underwear on the back of a chair in Chiang Mai airport caused locals to cry enough is enough.

The Good General’s people have responded by printing etiquette manuals in Mandarin to instruct mainland Chinese visitors on proper museum behavior, requesting that paintings are not touched, warning against using public property as lavatory facilities, and encouraging proper driving behavior, according to the Tourist Authority of Thailand office in Chiang Mai.

Those manuals should make good reading material on the planes that drop thousands of mainland Chinese into Thailand daily. But that’s assuming they have the time to read the Thai government’s publication since they already have to wade through their own government’s 64-page “Guidebook for Civilized Tourism” which includes a long list of do nots, including nose-picking in public, stealing life jackets from airplanes, and slurping down noodles.

The Ugly American has been redefined by the mainland Chinese tourist.

That publication came about last year after Chinese Vice Premier Wang Yang said Chinese tourists’ negative conduct had “damaged the image of the Chinese people.” It urges travelers abroad to “abide by the norms of civilized tourist behavior.” Which, you have to assume was a bit too long to read on the Thai Air Asia flight that had to return to Bangkok after a Chinese couple became verbally abusive and poured hot water on a flight attendant. Ditto for the group of Chinese tourists who pushed over protective barricades at the Grand Palace to take a few selfies a few days later.

So it’s no wonder that in Thailand the Chinese have become the new Ugly American. Even when the blame, at times, seems to be placed on the wrong shoulders. Among the love ’em / hate ’em initiatives recently undertaken by the Thai government is a crack down on Chinese tourists who buy illegal ivory products during their stay in the Kingdom. According to Natural Resources and Environment Minister Dapong Ratanasuwan, this violation of Thai and international law has become far too common. “Buying these products is illegal. If Chinese tourists try to take them out of the country, they will face legal action,” he says warning that could include a free stay in a Thai jail. What he didn’t say was what the government proposed to do about those locals who sell ivory to tourists. Because when it comes to making some baht, the Thais want their cake and be able to eat it too.

With their economy surging, mainland Chinese have become the world’s most common world traveler, with more than 100 million expected to go abroad this year alone. In 2012, they overtook Americans and Germans as the top international spenders according to the United Nations World Tourism Organization. And the Chinese are the biggest visitors to Thailand, accounting for 20 percent of total arrivals. Spending by mainland Chinese tourists jumped 80 percent to $6 billion in 2013 from 2012, and tourism accounts for around a tenth of the Thai economy. So while on one hand the Thai government is bitch slapping mainland Chinese visitors for inappropriate behavior, it’s other hand is reaching out for more of their cash.

The influx of mainland Chinese tourists to Thailand often looks more like an invasion.

Thanks to the civil unrest that resulted in the Good General’s rise to power last year, Thailand’s tourism industry took a solid kick to the nuts. And if anyone knows what happens when the military takes over, it’s mainland Chinese; visitors from China numbers slumped more than any other nationalities after the Good General’s military coup last May. In order to boost its sagging economic growth last August the ruling junta announced a three month visa fee exemption to stimulate Chinese tourism, and Thai authorities have attended road shows in major Chinese cities to advertise tour routes and travel products. ‘Cuz winning back Chinese visitors is what the Good General believes will make Thailand a happy place. But from the numerous complaints about their behavior, it would appear he forgot to explain to the Chinese just what happy means. And a place to empty your full bladder was probably not what The Good General had in mind.

To Wai Or Not To Wai

21 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by Bangkokbois in Tips

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

To wai or not to wai? That’s an easy question. Not.

Lets all put our hands together – and upside the head of the stupid farang who cruise the streets of Bangkok giving a wai to every Thai they meet. Kids, sex workers, touts, street vendors, service personnel, it doesn’t matter. They are in Thailand. And in Thailand you wai.

No. You don’t.

You idiot.

I cringe each time I see a farang wai in Thailand. And usually roll my eyes and shake my head. Unless I’m in a really good mood. Then I point and laugh. I suppose I should be more generous and just chalk it up to an ignorant touri attempting to echo Thai etiquette. But while the locals will pretty much ignore the effort, it’s a lot like a non-native trying to speak French in France: you’ll do it poorly, the locals really won’t appreciate it, and you’ll come off looking like a fool.

It’s easy to understand the first time visitor to the Kingdom picking up this nasty habit. On Day #1 they’ll be waied to a good hundred times. And the gesture is infectious. Especially when it is accompanied by one of those glorious Thai smiles. How can you not wai back? If they bothered to find out just an ounce of Thai culture before making their trip, however, they’d realize the result of their wai attempt is more like a bitch slap than the gracious gesture they intended it to be. Yes, your mama was right. It never hurts to be polite. But if that is your excuse for improperly using the wai in the kingdom, the polite thing would have been to spend five minutes out of your busy day to learn just a smidgen of local culture before landing in Thailand.

Farang who wai improperly look like the clowns that they are.

Thai’s are big on saving face and being non-confrontational. So when a touri wais, they will not correct him, scold him, or ridicule him. Besides, that’s what I am here for. Their opinion of said touri, however, will drop quicker than Lindsay Lohan’s panties at a lesbian coke party. And seriously, there is nothing more ridiculous than the fat, dread-headed backpacker bobbing down Khaosan Road giving a wai to every tout, tuk tuk driver, street vendor, bell hop, and whore he passes.

But OK, ignorance amongst the uninitiated can be excused with a laugh. The repeat visitor who has tried to go native, and should know better, is a different story. My problem with these guys is their air of superiority, their desperate desire to demonstrate they are ‘in the know’ when the exact opposite is true. And yeah, I’m talking about the fat old sex tourist who gives a wai to every bar boi he meets. The only time you should ever wai to a bar boi is when his cock is between your palms and you are about to deep throat him.

If you are not Thai it is doubtful you will ever master the intricacies of the wai. What looks like the same gesture to the Western eye, is in reality countless variations on the theme. The level the hands are at, the rigidity of the fingers, the degree of accompanying bow, it all has significance to a Thai. And honestly, you will never get it right.

Beggars often wai in supplication because of their need. As needy as they too may be, sex tourists should not follow suit.

The only time a touri should ever attempt a wai is to a senior monk (both in status and age), a member of the royal family (like you’d ever meet one), a high level member of parliament (see royal family), an elderly person of at least your social status (and since you know nothing about how Thais view social status, mark this one off your list too), possibly your Thai friend’s parents if they are older than you (which is doubtful in the first place, but ask him first anyway and get instructions, too), and to one of those wai giving Ronald McDonald statues (‘cuz it will crack up your Thai friends).

If your mama raised you to be polite, a smile and a nod of the head is an appropriate response when a Thai wais to you. The wrong wai back negates their polite gesture and is akin to a sweet smile while saying, “fuck you”. Because Thais use the wai to pass on that little message too. Just watch the next time a cheap-skate, obnoxious bore staggers out of a gogo bar. Half the staff will wai him. That’s not about Thai graciousness. While their entire hands may be part of that gesture, it’s only their middle fingers that count.

Which you should keep in mind in the event you are confronted with the singular time most visitors ever experience when a wai is not only proper but mandatory. Because while the locals may excuse your other child-like attempts at giving a wai, when The Buddha is the recipient, you better get it right. And 99% of the time your best rule of thumb is the same as it is in giving a wai anywhere else in Thailand: don’t. So let’s cover that first.

All wais are not created equally; knowing what a specific wai means could mean the difference between a happy ending and a not-so happy event.

Showing proper reverence when visiting a temple in Thailand is a must. That doesn’t mean you have to drop to your knees the minute you enter a wat. It does mean that you show the same amount of respect and decorum you would in a house of worship back home (unless your brand of faith involves handling snakes and such). Be quiet, be respectful, don’t interfere with those whose visit is for religious purposes, and don’t be rude. Walking up to the main Buddha statue, having a quick gander, and then turning your back on him and walking away, by the way, is considered rude. Just like striking a crucified pose in front of the altar at a Christian church for a quick selfie would be.

As a visitor, you are welcome to enter pretty much every wat in the country. Unless you are a Buddhist, your role is that of an observer, not a participant. There is no reason for you to kneel. Because you shouldn’t be standing in the middle of a group of locals praying to begin with. There is no reason for you to pray. Because The Buddha is not your god. And if you are one of those who claim to be more spiritual than religious and you feel the need to ‘honor’ the ideal of The Buddha, find a quiet corner away from the locals and give it your best. That will help keep them from interrupting their prayers to ask The Buddha what in the hell that silly farang is up to.

You may however have the good luck and grand misfortune to be visiting a wat with a Thai who actually thinks well of you. And then you really do owe The Buddha a thanks. Said local may very well care about your spiritual well-being and he may also want you to reap the benefits of offering a blessing to Buddha. Or he may just want to reap the benefits of your wallet paying for both of your accruements associated with offering a blessing. Either way, you’ll soon find yourself holding a candle, some incense sticks, and a flower – usually but not always a lotus blossom, or three. If you are truly blessed you’ll also have a piece or two of gold leaf in your hands. Just to help confuse you further.

Guess who is not Thai.

As nice as it would be for said local to explain what you are supposed to do with all that stuff, he won’t. Anymore than he would tell you how to breathe. You’re supposed to know this crap. And knowing that you know nothing is the first step toward enlightenment. Unlike learning how to wai by watching the gogo bar’s staff’s treatment of obnoxious customers, watching your friend make his offering first is a good rule of thumb. ‘Cuz the intro is seldom the same.

There are a lot of Buddha statues in Thailand, but they are not created equal. Some are more significant than others. Some are in shrines, others in wats. Some wats rank higher in religious significance, as do then their main Buddha statue. And at some temples it’s not only the Buddha that needs proper respect paid. So how you approach will differ from one spot to the next. At most, walking up to the image will suffice. At many, dropping to your knees in front of the image is expected. At some you should be on your knees before making you way toward the image. Which is a bit tricky if you haven’t been born to it. Especially when all the alcohol you consumed the night before has not yet dissipated from your system.

Fortunately the knee-crawl approach requirement is few and far between. When it is, since you are farang, you can walk up, then kneel, and then make one move forward. That still counts. And any demerits you get are probably minor compared to what you did to your karma the night before. In most cases you won’t have to knee-crawl at all. And in many you’ll never have to drop to your knees either. What you will have to do is figure out what to do with all that crap nestled in your hands. And that – thank the Buddha – is almost always the same.

First comes the candle. If it isn’t already lit, use the flame from one already left as an offering to do so. There will be a vessel with lots of burning candles in it already at the altar, and yours goes in the same place. If there is only a candelabra or candle holders and it/they are already filled, just gently knock one out of its spot to make room for yours. ‘Cuz farang candles always rank higher.

Next, it’s flower time. There is often a bucket of water next to the statue to place your flowers in. Sometime not. Regardless, this is not the time to show off your skills as a florist. Place you flowers where everyone else has. Occasionally, usually at a shrine instead of a wat, your only offering will be flowers. If so, move immediately to step #3. If instead you still have the incense and possibly gold leaf to deal with, um, also move immediately to step #3.

Use the flames from the candles you didn’t knock over to light your incense. Hold them between your palms in the wai gesture. Don’t worry about the height you are holding them at – the locals will already be amazed you got this far without screwing it up. Now it is time to pray. Just like right before you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. You can ask for good health. Or world peace. Or to never have to make an offering to The Buddha again. Or if you want to emulate the Thais praying next to you, you can ask for the winning numbers for the next lottery. Like a Catholic priest during confession, The Buddha has heard it all before. And unlike dealing with a Catholic priest, you’ll probably escape without being molested. Which is probably similar to what your boy du jour who accompanied you on your visit to the wat has been praying for.

After praying, while still holding your incense sticks reverently aloft, wai three times. You do so with a slight bow. Then stick your incense in the bucket where everyone else has planted theirs. You can wai/bow one more time after doing so. It’s up to you. If you moved to this step because you only had a flower offering to give, you normally place your flowers and then do the three wai thingy. In either case, now back away from the altar, taking at least one step (two or three is better) before turning your back on the Buddha. And say a quick prayer of thanks for having not screwed up making your offering to Buddha.

But wait! There’s more!

You may still have some gold leaf in your hands if it came with your Buddha offering kit and if you managed to not drop it while trying to accomplish steps #1 through #3. If so, the statue it goes on it will be evident. It’s not Buddhist graffiti, so this is not the time to blaze new trails. Generally, if you have more than one piece of gold leaf, that means there is more than one statue on which you are supposed to affix some. And yes, it really is gold. And no, do not attempt to scrape off a handful to cash in later. The Buddha will not be amused.

TIT: I Hate Thailand, But Not As Much As Kim Kardashian’s Ass Does

20 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

A not-so-real scene in the video I Hate Thailand of a tourist’s encounter with a Boy In Brown would have been a much different conversation in real life.

I never expect much out of the Tourist Authority of Thailand’s (TAT) attempts to lure more tourists to the Kingdom. It’s a doomed affair from the get-go; while there is much about Thailand to love, and while few other places in the world can boast of the exotic mixed with the familiar as can The Land of Smiles, TAT’s campaigns always come from an uniquely Thai point of view. Which seldom has anything to do with how the tourists they are trying to attract think. A few years back, TAT went after the pink tourist dollar in their Go Thai Be Free campaign. Which included a LGBT microsite billed as “Your best source of information when planning your travel experience to Thailand.” The web site had lots of rainbows on it. Info of interest to gay tourists, not so much.

DJ Station got a mention, but the site didn’t know if the popular dance club was a gay friendly establishment or not. And they only managed to find four massage places in Bangkok that catered to gay men. It was commendable that TAT wanted to attract more gay tourists to Thailand, a shame they forgot to include the gays in their attempt to do so. Unless you count ladyboys – the third gender were prominently featured on TAT’s site .’Cuz everyone knows local drag queens are the real draw when it comes to gay tourists.

Thanks to natural disasters, well-publicized scams against tourists, the occasional dead visitor, and civil unrest, TAT hasn’t had an easy job as of late. It’s hard to be pro-active when you’re busy putting out fires. And it’s difficult to put a good face on your country’s leader’s attempt to pull his nation kicking and screaming into his version of a democratic future when the rest of the world is busy saying military dictatorship. When movie-goers flashing the three-finger salute from The Hunger Games get arrested during the franchise’s Bangkok premiere of its latest installment, coming up with an acceptable spin is a Herculean task. Even more so when you are still trying to draw the world’s attention away from a pair of bloody tourist bodies washed up on the beach of Koh Tao. Not that TAT hasn’t tried. But attempting to re-establish your country’s face when the subject at hand is the bashed in faces of what once was a young, attractive couple from the UK is a job even Bill Cosby’s publicist would turn down.

And we all know what this conversation would really have been too, you hansum man.

Being duplicitous, even if it is a time-honored tradition in Thailand, is probably not your best move when you’re dealing with the rest of the world. When your theater of operation is within the confines of the Kingdom, however, it can’t be beat. And in the recent efforts of two different branches of Thailand’s public-relations machine, only The Good General’s scored a knock-out. But then scoring a win against Kim Kardashian’s ass ain’t much of a victory.

TAT’s latest attempt to counter reality with fiction is an anonymously posted YouTube video called I Hate Thailand that appeared on Tuesday and quickly went viral. It’s a five minute long uplifting and completely fake tale about a tourist, ‘James’, who misplaces his bag filled with all of his worldly possessions, meets a cute Thai girl who is not a ladyboy who, displaying the friendliness and generosity of the Thai people, befriends the unlucky traveler and eventually helps organize a twenty-person search party to find the unlucky’s visitors belongings. The surprise ending is that James’ wayward bag was the fault of a band of local monkeys, and not the illegal Burmese immigrants you would have expected.
It’s a popular video in Thailand with Thais’ comments fully basking in the glow of how wonderful their countrymen are as proved by this video. Non-Thais had a different take. Most outside of Thailand were immediately suspicious and questioned James’ reality as well as his story. The truth, as they say, is in the details, and the details just didn’t add up. Two days later, James admitted he’s really Oliver and was paid to appear in the scripted video by a Thai production company that was funded by TAT. Oooops. My bad.

Look! A Burmese monkey!

Oliver says, “I believe the purpose of making it was to portray Thailand in a good light. This is another angle on Thailand, an upbeat angle that shows the friendly, accommodating Thailand that a lot of expats and travelers alike can relate to.” Although perhaps not David Miller or Hannah Witheridge.

Of course TAT’s attempt at fooling all the people all of the time wasn’t a total failure. Those who’ve decided they love Thailand no matter what claim the video shows what the real Thailand is all about. The boys on Thai Visa debated the merits of the video before it was revealed that it was an advertisement by TAT, and while most pointed out the enormous number of breaches from reality contained within the clip, a few others defended its realism. Because rose-colored glasses have always been a popular item of fashion in Thailand. In the end, the question isn’t about whether the Thai people are all helpful, generous, friendly folk, or all out to scam every baht from tourists they can. It’s about Thailand’s tourism board resorting to a lie in trying to convince travelers their country is where they should be spending their holiday dollars.

Meanwhile, speaking of unbelievable bits of reality and human trash washing up on Thailand’s beaches, in case you missed it Kim Kardashian’s booty cracked its own version of a smile during a visit to The Land Of back in April thanks to E’s travel budget and the media’s insistence that we see more of what we’re all tired of seeing. Just because Rihanna did it first. During the Kardashian’s production crew’s visit, Kim’s ass fell in love with a 13-year-old orphaned Phang Na teen, and decided she wanted to adopt the girl. Just because Angelina did it first. And even though Mama Kardashian told her, “You can’t just shop for a child,” Kim had her heart set on starting a new collection, or as she put it, “I literally cannot stop thinking about her.” Because in reality television, ‘reality’ is not meant literally. But someone forgot to tell Kim’s ass that. Um, literally.

Kim Kardashian’s ass does Thailand.

But even in reality, who wouldn’t want to be part of the Kardashian clan and have a valid claim to their millions? I mean other than Bruce Jenner. Well, according to the Good General’s state run news agency, Pink, the aforementioned orphan, that’s who. Yesterday, taking a page from Nancy Reagan’s playbook, the 13-year-old just said no. Which was a lot nicer than saying, “I’d rather live in an orphanage than be adopted by Kim Kardashian.”

Back when Kim was literally thinking about how adoption would be easier on her figure than pregnancy would be, after visiting Pink’s orphanage on camera, she mused, “You can’t help but think like how you could change their life.” Evidently Pink could. And it wasn’t a rosy picture. Or at least that’s what The Good General’s PR machine would like you to believe. According to that source, “The level-headed 13-year-old called Pink said she shook with excitement when she heard the multi-millionaire wanted to adopt her, but insisted she wanted to study in Thailand instead then help her impoverished homeland and the orphans she has grown up with.” Which is the same answer level-headed 18-year-old bar girls usually give when a rich farang offers to take them back to his home country.

Supposedly after thinking over Kim’s adoption plans for her, Pink said, “‘Everyone wants to have a different or a better life, I suppose. But when I thought about it I realized it wouldn’t be good for me, because I would have to leave so much behind. I wasn’t ready for that.” Or maybe she Googled the Kardashians, saw a photo of Bruce Jenner, and decided she didn’t need to leave Thailand to see a ladyboy. Although if she saw her future mother’s sex tape, she probably didn’t think that was necessarily the world for her either. Regardless, this story too has some conveniently missing details. Like that Pink isn’t an orphan. Her mom Rose – whom Kim literally didn’t notice – was present during each of Kim’s visits with the girl back in April.

“And when you are a Kardashian your ass will grow this big!”

Whether Pink’s tale is as based in reality as James’ was or not, or if it is just another attempt by The Good General to show how much the Thai people love their country, things probably worked out for the best. Requests for comments about the story from Kim were answered by her spokesperson who replied, “Kim is working and unavailable.” Which undoubtedly would have been the same story Pink would have lived with had Kim’s ass been playing the role of her mommy.

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TIT: The Dangers Of Wild Pussy In Thailand

24 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Phuket, Stupid Tourist Tricks

I know the thought that just flittered through your mind. And you are one sick puppy.

As if Thailand’s southern tropical destinations weren’t already suffering in the world’s press enough, this week Phuket haters got something new to cheer about: an Australian tourist was mauled by one of the exhibits at the local version of Tiger Kingdom. The man, who was bitten on the legs and stomach, says he was riding an elephant earlier in the day and thinks the lingering scents may have contributed to the tiger’s actions, not unlike what may happen if you off a bar boy early in the evening and then a ladyboy later that night. Because Aussies are known as good sports – okay, Aussies are known as drunks, but most drunks are good sports – the victim was concerned the tiger would be put down now that it’s known as a man-eater. Officials at Tiger Kingdom scoffed at the idea of lost profits from killing off the attraction of their attraction and assured the man the tiger would instead be ‘retired’. Which is Thai for ‘given a new name.’ Responding to the incident, the police report they have identified the tiger in question and want the world to know it is a tiger from Myanmar, and not one from Thailand.

It seems whenever visitor counts are low one of the kingdom’s tiger attractions makes the news with a story about the latest tourist playing the role of cat food. Not surprisingly, it’s always an Aussie. Okay, so once it was a woman from New Zealand, but Thai tigers like the rest of the world assume those are both the same country. You’d think that an attraction that allows humans to molest wild animals one-on-one would be perfectly safe, but considering all the bar boy who done me wrong stories out there, obviously tourists are quickly headed towards becoming an endangered species. But then the only tourists in danger are those stupid enough to believe that if they’ve paid 500 baht, playing with a tiger that its handlers insist is not drugged is perfectly safe. And that ladies and gentlemen is Darwinism at work.

I encountered my first tiger to be petted in Thailand several decades ago at a crocodile farm just outside of Bangkok. You’ll note that as popular as the opportunity of getting close to an animal that you shouldn’t is, that photo op of you sticking your head in a croc’s mouth just doesn’t exist. But there was a tiger on downers for you to take what may become your final selfie with, and being the brave soul that I am I immediately suggested my buddy Dave smile for the camera. And he did. On reflection, my recent decision to upgrade Dave to boyfriend status over Phil may have benefited from a few more trips down memory lane first. But then since Dave and I will soon be in Thailand again and he’s not yet had the chance of visiting Chiang Mai’s Tiger Kingdom, so Phil may still have a shot at the title.

Looks like show time in Sunee Plaza.

Noom and I visited that attraction just after it opened several years ago. There were lots of signs posted warning against all the things you should not do when playing with a tiger. Playing with a tiger should have been one of them, but then there’s no money in that. Not cautious enough to stay outside of the cage, I was nonetheless cautious in my approach, and ready at all times to show just how quickly an aging farang can scale a chain link fence at the first sign of trouble. Noom, on the other hand, immediately set to violating every rule posted. And the tigers loved him. Polite enough to not mention that the only creature in that cage that day acting like a pussy was yours truly, later Noom summed up why he seemed so unconcerned about what could have happened with one of his favorite standard explanations: “Because I Thai.” I think when we visit Tiger Kingdom with Dave I’m gonna take Noom to ride an elephant first.

One of the problems Tiger Kingdom faces is that tigers are in fact an endangered species. If you don’t believe that, take a trip to Bangkok’s amulet market by the Grand Palace on any weekend and check out all of the tiger parts available for sale. (Tiger claws, by the way, make for a cool souvenir. Better yet, when you buy them by the paw they run less than ten bucks a piece and you can sell them back home for $100 per claw.) Those tigers that didn’t make it to the amulet market yet, are a natural for Tiger Kingdom but the competition for tigers to profit off is fierce in Thailand. That means the attraction often has to make due with its current horde. And tigers, like sexpats, tend to get grumpy as they age.

Young(er) tigers are safe(r) tigers to unleash on the public with more baht in their pocket than brains in their head. By the time they hit puberty (the tigers, not the touri) they become a bit too aggressive and when they aren’t getting any like to take their frustrations out on the closest moving object. Especially slow moving ones like drunk Aussie tourists. On our first visit to Tiger Kingdom, the attraction was still new, and so were the tigers. A few years later we hit the Kingdom again, with some lesbians in tow, and the tigers were not as happy to see us. The handlers were pretty bored by their jobs by then too and rather than keeping a close eye on their charges opted to take their own frustrations out on the tigers. While insisting your best photo op was to mount a tiger from its back. There’s a good reason tigers are not generally known as the bottoms of the animal world. Even when the staff has slipped a few roofies in their breakfast.

Keeping the rest of your body outside the cage is not a bad idea either.

Hindsight being what it is, we’d mistakenly scheduled the lesbians’ opportunity to ride an elephant later in the day. And bloodlust being what it is, assume that at least the two who were actual women were not menstruating during our visit either. Noom, being what he is, immediately stuck his face in the face of a tiger as soon as we entered the first enclosure (even though that particular tiger was a lion). No problemo. The lions were a new attraction and were still young ‘uns who’d not yet learned just how dangerous tourists can be. The tigers, not so much. They were a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit hungry looking. And they were moving. The staff had evidently not yet learned you need to adjust their medication as they grow. Or maybe they were just smart enough to not want to get that close to a wild tiger. I noticed even Noom was encouraging others in the group to get up close and personal rather than hogging the spotlight as is his wont.

But pussy is pussy and the lesbians needed little encouragement to stick their face in one. The little gay boy was a bit more circumspect. But then being a bottom himself, maybe it was just his unfamiliarity with being on top. Before I could come up with a good excuse to pass on the experience – I thought ‘I already posed for that photo op’ might do the trick – the tiger showed one of its better talents by using its teeth to destroy a coconut that had been too stupid to stay out of the cage. You’d think tiger teeth would be more popular at the amulet market. With a dead coconut rolling at our feet, we all decided we didn’t want to be late for our elephant ride.

There was a speed boat accident down south this week too; several tourists will never get their chance to stare down a tiger in person. As Thai officialdom likes to do after someone has died thanks to the Thai version of capitalism, they are now passing new legislation regarding speed boat tour safety. No one has made a whisper about new regulations regarding Australians paying to be mauled by a tiger. Maybe if their womenfolk would stop having their hair corn-rolled when on holiday in SE Asia, there’d be more of an outcry over damaged Aussies.

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Top Ten Tips: How To Not Off A Bar Boy

14 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in The World of Thailand's Gay Gogo Bars

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Gay Bangkok, Gay GoGo Bars, Offs, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Ignoring the signs staring you in the face means the kiss of death for your night in heaven.

I generally like to provide the counterpoint to all of the bad bar boys stories out there. I also like to think the general consensus that they all are liars, cheats, drug-addicts, and lazy is Pattaya-centric, ‘cuz in my dealings with Bangkok bar boys that simply is not true. Generally, I believe that what you put out there, and how you treat others, is what you’ll receive in return. Which makes all of those lying, cheating, drug addicted, lazy Pattaya bar boys make sense. But even the best of us has occasionally run across a bar boy who is just not up to the task. I have too. And later, after the fact, when I’m wondering just how pathetic it is that I’m about to masturbate alone in Thailand just to have the orgasm I already paid for, invariably I know it’s my own damn fault. I let my gonads do the thinking. Again. Even though I knew better, I offed a bar boy who experience should have taught me was gonna never live up to my expectations.

That doesn’t mean that you can have a perfect track record by being cautious about who you pick to fulfill your fantasies. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things just don’t go as planned. But even then, looking back, I know I coulda done better. I was too rushed, or too lazy, or too horny, or too something when I shouldn’t have been. For example, there was a bar boy at Hot Male I offed who did not exhibit any of the warning signs of a guaranteed dud. Okay, so his limited English was even more limited that normal. But he had the body of a Greek god. So I offed him, got back to my room, and discovered that along with that Greek god’s body he had the dick of a carnival freak. Yup, fang muk are difficult to spot in advance. And difficult to swallow back in your room.

Nonetheless, there are some common signs that the bar boy of your dreams will turn out to be a nightmare instead. And just like with how much you tip, it’s up to you. You can ignore what should have been evident, and then start bitching and moaning about the dud you paid for. Or you can wise-up and pay heed to these words of wisdom of when it is ion your best interest to not off a bar boy:

Guys with something to show will always find a way to show it.

1. When What He’s Packing In His Underwear Ain’t His Package.
Sex sells. An iPhone stuffed into the front of your briefs does not. The general consensus is that bar boys keep their valuable stuffed in their tighty whities while on stage out of fear that whatever they hold dear to them may get ripped off if left in the dressing room. Bullshit. That’s a farang construct based on how farang act. There are only two reasons a bar boy stuffs his frontage with a foreign object. And neither is about being robbed, they are both about robbing you of your night’s enjoyment.

First, it’s his cellphone and he just can’t live without being available when his friends and family reach out to touch someone. That doesn’t bode well for you. That probably means he’ll be texting during your orgasm too. Second, he needs something down there to form a bulge and since Buddha saw no good reason to bless him otherwise, he relies on whatever he had in his pants pocket to do the work for him. That too doesn’t bode well for you even if you are not a size queen.

2. When He’s On The Prowl For Fresh Meat.
While you can’t blame a guy for trying, that doesn’t mean you have to be his bitch either. Always be wary of bar boys who approach you. You may think you are god’s gift to bar boys, but you ain’t. He’s not attracted to you, he’s attracted to your wallet. Any bar boy who approaches you has his eye on the prize and that ain’t your satisfaction. Treat him as you would a used car salesman who comes hustling across the lot saying he’s got a deal for you. ‘Cuz in either case you’re gonna end up with a lemon.

This has been one of my golden rules of offing a bar boy that has served me well over the years. Except for Noom. He approached me the first night we met and I thought perhaps I’d blown my chance many times in the past by refusing to off those who sought me out. At least until he corrected me. He says he got tired of me eyeballing his every move that night, that after watching me turn away bar boy after bar boy he finally decided I was just waiting for his appearance by my side. So I’ll add that caveat to this rule. Eye contact and a smile is an invitation. So now you shy guys have a fall back.

Whether it is straight porn or his favorite Thai sit-com, his television viewing habits should not be part of your orgasm.

3. When He Thinks The English For Sawatdee Is Buy Me A Drink.
When the first words out of a bar boy’s mouth that you can understand is a request for you to spend money on him, your future has just been told. I like guys who hustle, I’m not a fan of those who try to hustle me. There should be a small window of time to get to know each other, or at least to allow you the opportunity of checking him out up close and personal, before you are obligated to help him and his bar make a profit off of your visit. And bar boy work ain’t that thirsty of a job.

4. When He’s Addicted To Straight Porn.
I only mention this one because it seems to be a common occurrence among fans of Pattaya. Bar boys with their eyes glued to their cellphones watching straight porn is only a phenomenon I’ve witnessed in Sin City. What floors me is how many punters seem to think this is normal. Even later back in their hotel room. If he needs to look at pussy to get hard, he’s in the wrong line of work. And you’ve got the wrong equipment. Besides, do you really want to catch a glimpse of vagina when your intentions were a night in heaven?

5. When The Mamasan Told You So.
Whether you still call them a mamasan, or a captain as is more likely the case in Bangkok, the bar employee who oversees your visit never has your best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean they are all out to fleece you. Some can even be helpful. But money, not your orgasm, is always job #1.

Like with a bar boy whose first words are about his thirst, any mamasan who asks for a drink as a greeting should not be trusted. Ditto when the first words out of her mouth are, “What boy you want?” Even if she doesn’t commit those unpardonable sins, be dubious about any bar boy she picks for you. That selection often depends on which bar boy tips her for your business. And the meat for sale is supposed to be on the stage, not sitting in your chair.

Blockbuster movies come with a trailer, there’s no reason your off shouldn’t include a sneak preview too.

6. When His Yes Means No.
Unless you are extremely narrow in the range of what you enjoy doing in bed, you are usually better off going with the flow with any bar boy you encounter. And if it was important to you – whatever ‘it’ was – you shoulda made damn sure he would satisfy that need before you offed him. Having said that, there is also the Thai aversion to uttering “No” that needs to be considered. “I do everyting” is Thai for no. So even though you asked if he bottoms, he won’t when you make that attempt ‘cuz ‘everyting’ didn’t include anal.

Personally, I consider kissing an integral part of sex. And I get that some bar boys just ain’t into swapping spit with customers. No problemo. And no bidness from me either. So I always ask. And watch for the non-verbal clues that tell me his yes means no. If there is any question, I follow up with asking him if he is a good kisser. That almost always gets a shy laugh. But the guys who do will immediately prove it. Those who won’t stop at the laugh.

If topping is important to you, there’s not much you can do in the bar to ensure he bottoms other than inviting him to sit on your lap. Which I don’t advise. But a few follow-up questions can help you gauge his reaction for honesty. Be explicit. Asking, “I fuck you?” leaves little room for misunderstanding. And his face will tell you more than his words will. If you are a size queen, a sneak peak or at least a quick feel is not out of the question. That doesn’t mean you have a license to grope, or that you should start checking out the size of every guy in the bar. But no bar boy will refuse if it means sealing the deal. Unless he knows he’s lacking in the first place.

Watch for non-verbal clues, ‘cuz when a problem exists there’s usually a clue.

7. When He Comes With A Sticker Price.
I think from now on when I hear from a reader who experienced a night with a dud, who starts off his tale with “He told me he cost 2,000 baht” I’m just gonna mark those comments as spam and ignore them. Because every dud story I hear involves a bar boy who stated his fee up front. That’s not how it works. How much you tip is up to you. When you’ve agreed to a price before you leave the bar, there is no incentive for him to attempt to please you. And nine times out of ten, he won’t.

8. When He’s Just Not Into You.
When a bar boy’s attention is everywhere but on you, it’s never a good sign. No matter how much you are lusting after him, he’s just not into you. And can’t even summons up enough effort to act as though he is. Why would you think it’ll be any different once you get him alone, back in your hotel room? Even when it is just the two of you, he’ll still find the cheap painting on the wall more fascinating than he does you. Granted, you will seldom find a bar boy who with one look decides you rock his entire world. But at least he can fake it.

There was a bar boy at Dream Boy a few years ago that I asked to come sit with me. His face was okay, but he had these massive thighs that I immediately began imagining wrapped around my face. It was lust at first sight. At least for one of us. Dream Boys is a popular bar and can get quite crowded at times, meaning the bar just keeps packing punters in regardless of whether there is room left for them or not. So it was that night. Mr. Thighs To Dream For came off the stage in his underwear at my signal, and plopped his gorgeous flesh down next to mine. And then proceeded to stare at his friends on stage. The mamasan squeezed a fresh piece of meat into our row of seats and my leg brushed up against his. He immediately shifted so we were no longer touching. Huh. Who knew I was that toxic? But maybe he was just giving me room. So I moved my leg against his again, this time on purpose. He managed to find some existing space that didn’t exist to move away again.

Sa-moke and smoke are two different things. If it matters to you, learn the difference.

Fortunately for me I can take a hint. I handed him 20 baht and gestured for him to head back to the stage. The incredulous look on his face was priceless. But, really? He expected me to off him when he couldn’t stand my leg touching his flesh? He was almost immediately replaced by a bar boy who’d been sitting with another customer, one who I was pissed at myself for letting get away, one with whom I’d traded several significant glances with over his potential customer’s shoulder. He scooted in next to me, gave my leg a squeeze, planted a quick kiss on my cheek, and the with a sad look on his face said, “I wit customer.”

Yup, he was. And that customer had his eyes on us. The boy suggested I wait for an hour and he’d be back. Unbeknownst to his customer, he’d already planned for a short, short-time off. I can only hope that was his customer’s plan too. Because the fool still offed that boy. He woulda done just as well with offing Mr. Thighs To Dream For. Which reminds me . . .

9. When He’s Already Booked.
Call it punter’s ethics, but you really shouldn’t steal a bar boy away from another customer no matter how badly you want to do him. Unless you are into sharing and that other customer is hot too. You can call it karma, I prefer to think of it as sloppy seconds, which is an orgasm I prefer to not think of at all. There’s always mañana. And if it is your last night in town, there’s always another bar boy of your dreams just a door or two away. It may be that the two of you really were meant to be together, but more likely that he’s available to the highest bidder. And it’s a long walk back to your hotel, with opportunities abounding every step of the way.

Closely related are those who just got back to the bar from a booking. Popular bar boys can get offed several times a night. Good for them. Not so good for you. I call that the law of diminished returns. It’s a sexual Ponzi scheme where as the last up to the plate you get left standing with just your bat in your hands. The guy who goes last never finishes in first place. Make a note, show up early the next night, and get him while he’s still fresh instead.

Drinks and off fees are not cheap, wasting more money on a bad off is never the way to go.

10. When His Square Peg Doesn’t Fit Into Your Round Hole.

Quit acting like you have a vagina. He will always be himself, and nothing you can do will change that. Especially for 2,000 baht. The perfect bar boy for you is never the sum of his faults. And there are lots of bar boys to choose from. If you are not into tattoos, don’t off a guy who sports ink. If you hate people that smoke, take a whiff before you off him. Don’t just be a cunt and tell him he can’t smoke later ‘cuz his nicotine addiction means more than your orgasm does and he’ll quickly dispense with the latter so he can enjoy the former. Ditto for yaba, poppers, or any other addiction he may have.

If you are a dedicated bottom and he is too it ain’t gonna work. If you like masculine men and he slips on a blouse to accompany you back to your hotel, your better off apologizing, slipping him his tip, and heading into another bar for the man you wanted. If you had your heart set on waking up with him next to you in the morning and he says he only does short-time, go back to the drawing board. If you want to ravish his body and he says looking only, find a more suitable partner. If you need to top, and he tells you he is a man, there are lots of bottoms in the sea. Go check out Classic Boys.

Fantasize all you want. Pretend he’s your boyfriend, or that he loves, you, or that he thinks you are hansum. But be real in your expectations. And know what those expectations are. In real life you may settle for less than ideal, when you are a paying customer there is no good reason to. Go ahead, be picky. Find every fault that you can. ‘Cuz there is a bar boy perfect for you. But you’ll never find him when you agreed to off a guy you won’t be happy with instead.

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This Is Thailand: Touri Gone Wild

25 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by Bangkokbois in This Is Thailand . . .

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

Almost Prime Minister Prayuth just announced a new tourism policy that few bothered to notice.

Thailand’s soon to be ex-junta leader/soon to be Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-Ocha announced last Friday that the previously announced crackdown on back-to-back visa running farang will also be a soon to be ex-policy because disallowing those folks re-entry to the country is hurting education and tourism within the kingdom. Evidently, according to Almost PM Prayuth the crackdown on in/out visa scammers is putting a hefty dent in the number of foreign language teachers and tour guides. Even though the old new policy was only a matter of a few weeks old. And even though those on tourist visas are not allowed to teach. And even though non-Thais are not allowed to work as tour guides. Which would make little sense if Almost PM Prayuth was the almost leader/military coup honcho of pretty much any other nation on the planet. But this, thank the gods, is Thailand. Where what you don’t say matters more than what you do.

For those who don’t think learning choice words and phrases of the local lingo – like that the Thai word for toilet is hong nam – is the route to better understanding the world of Thailand, reading between the lines immediately tells you what Almost PM Prayuth really meant. First, his announcement was about face. And second it was about tourism and how Thailand is viewed by the rest of the world. Which currently is as a country-wide brothel. And that’s a rep Almost PM Prayuth is tired of. Because he doesn’t want to be referred to as Mamasan Prayuth when meeting other leaders on the world stage. But let’s talk about that face thingy first.

The initial crackdown that sent many illegal sexpats’ balls racing for safe harbor was announced by soon to be ex-national commander of Thai Immigration, Lt. Gen. Pharnu Kerdlarpphon two months ago as part of the junta’s overall crackdown on everything that wasn’t making Thailand a happy place. As devastating as that bit of news was to those who have no legal right to be living in Thailand, most assumed it was just another thrust in the multi-prong attack against general villainy that included a crackdown on illegal immigrants flowing over the border from Burma (which really was about protecting them in the workplace) and a crackdown on the notorious Taxi Mafia (which was really about sending a bitch slap to permanent ex-Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra and his band of merry red shirt wearing men). Thai immigration officials, never big fans of anyone who is not Thai, rushed to implement the new – and now soon to be ex – interpretation of the law.

Huh. I’m guessing that’s a shot of Thailand’s infamous full moon party?

Unfortunately for soon to be ex-national commander of Thai Immigration, Lt. Gen. Pharnu Kerdlarpphon’s career, he failed to notice that his announcement was causing a bit of rain to fall on soon to be Almost Prime Minister Prayuth’s parade All of the junta’s crackdowns making the news were supposed to be coming from the good general. So that everyone would know that by junta we meant General Prayuth. Oooops. Soon to be ex-national commander of Thai Immigration Lt. Gen. Pharnu Kerdlarpphon’s bad. And now he is ex-national commander of Thai Immigration Lt. Gen. Pharnu Kerdlarpphon. And Almost PM Prayuth now has to clean up his mess.

So, during his weekly TV briefing to the nation, the general said he had ordered the Immigration Police to be “more flexible” in its application of the law. Which is Thai for ‘go back to what you were doing for the last twenty years’. And since it would look un-leader like to explain the new policy to not enforce the law as was done under the old policy is all due to an uppity Lt. Gen. who didn’t know his place, Almost Prime Minister Prayuth resolved the issue by saying, “This is an ongoing problem that needs to be resolved, as it can lead to a shortage of English teachers and guides.”

Which may appear to look like Almost Prime Minister Prayuth doesn’t even know what the laws of his own country are. Until you remember this is Thailand and laws are generally considered to be something best ignored. And if ignoring those laws becomes too much of a hassle, you can just enact a new constitution anyway. But taken in context of the numerous steps Almost Prime Minister Prayuth has taken over the last few months to make his country a happy place and clean-up its reputation around the world, the good general’s announcement last weeks speaks to a much broader soon to be official but we can’t actually make it official policy, directed toward the country’s tourism industry. And that policy should warm the cockles (minus a few letters) of Pattaya’s sexpat population’s hearts.

Ubiquitous Plastic Stool Shot! Oooops, my bad. That’s an Ubiquitous Drunk Tourist Shot!

While Thailand battles with its most recent attempt at being a democracy (wink, wink), it’s obvious Almost Prime Minister Prayuth, as he picks which battles are to be fought, takes his cues from the long hours he spends on Facebook. Social media has become the driving force behind the good general’s efforts to happy-atize his country. When the on-line world was all atwitter over Thailand’s win as one of the world’s worst violators of human trafficking thanks to its successful seafood industry, Almost Prime Minister Prayuth stepped right up to the seafood dinner plate and announced a crackdown on the dastardly illegal immigrants who were feeding themselves into the country’s slavery trade. When Kim Kardashian tweeted that she’d like to take a Thai baby home as a souvenir of her trip to the kingdom, Almost Prime Minister Prayuth’s junta immediately responded with a crackdown on the country’s previously profitable surrogacy industry by arresting nine newborn infants who’d been conspiring to sell themselves to foreign parents in Australia and Germany.

As soon as Almost Prime Minister Prayuth notices problems within his country on-line, he immediately responds. For example, in reaction to the horror of Facebook fans over the illegal ivory trade that has always been business as usual in the kingdom, the good general recently announced a crackdown on elephant poaching too. (Although I don’t remember just what steps were announced to solve that problem. But I’m sure they included a death sentence for any elephants caught involving themselves in the trade.)

As with these on-line hot button issues, the good general’s general state of unhappiness with Thailand’s rep for being the world’s brothel has also resulted in a crackdown on Bangkok’s red light districts. No longer, for the overpriced cost of a drink, can you see naked locals copulating on stage. Now you have to pony up 500 baht and take one (or more) of them back to your hotel to experience that pleasure. Not that the country’s lax enforcement of its prostitution laws are to blame. Of course. That fault lies with its tourists; touri gone wild is a major problem in Thailand. And there’s the rub. (Which, btw, in Bangkok will run you about 2,000 baht for a happy ending.)

What does Spain have that Thailand doesn’t? Cute naked Italian touri.

So it is not mere coincidence that the good general and soon to be prime minister mentioned what were recently considered to be ‘bad’ tourists in his radio address last week just days after touri gone wild made the social media news in Barcelona. Evidently, the residents of that Spanish town are fed up with tourists behaving badly. The straw that broke the camel’s back was three nude Italian tourists who frolicked around Spain’s La Barceloneta neighborhood for three hours last Friday, which resulted in 100 Barcelona residents taking to the streets demanding local officials do more to combat their city’s drunken tourism problem. “We’re tired of low-cost, drunken tourism,” said La Barceloneta neighborhood association leader, Oriol Casabella. “It’s killing our neighborhood and dissuading other types of tourists. It’s Magaluf all over again.”

(Note: Magaluf is a major holiday resort and a notorious holiday spot on the Spanish island of Majorca, primarily catering to the British, Russian, Irish, and Scandinavian package holiday market, with a well-deserved reputation for being naughty, naked, and downright dirty. Uh, the town, not the touri. Well, okay, both.)

(Note to self: You need to make a trip to Magaluf.)

The naked tourists were the latest incident in an ongoing conversation Barcelona has been having in recent years about the number and the type of tourists visiting the city. The number of tourists visiting has jumped drastically in recent year to more than 7.4 million annually. As residents attempt to go about their lives in a city where tourists often far outnumber the 1.6 million residents, the number of complaints about noise, nudity, public drunkenness, and littering has rocketed. Which may sound like Pattaya to you. Well, it did to Almost Prime Minister Prayuth too.

Although Phuket does get the occasional naked Canadian tourist, eh?

And much like with now ex-national commander of Thai Immigration Lt. Gen. Pharnu Kerdlarpphon, Almost Prime Minister Prayuth doesn’t like other countries honing in on what is Thailand’s rightful domain. So with a masterful one-two punch the good general addressed both issues last Friday by declaring the previously announced crackdown on in/out visa runs null and void, and declaring Thailand’s borders open season for the type of touri no other country wants. It’s not the illegal ESL teachers or illegal tour guides the good general wants to protect, but the drunk-ass sex tourists who flock to Pattaya, many of whom eventually decide to call the kingdom’s version of Sin City home. and since no one in Thailand actually considers Pattaya to be part of the country, by funneling the drunks and sex tourists there the good general can still have his cake and eat it too.

What Almost Prime Minister Prayuth meant by “This is an ongoing problem that needs to be resolved, as it can lead to a shortage of English teachers and guides,” is “We built Pattaya for the drunk sex tourists of the world and if we don’t allow them free access across our borders it will lead to a shortage of those ideals Thais hold most dearly: baht, baht, and more baht.” Which was all that the crackdown on in/out visa runs was going to accomplish anyway. Now with Almost Prime Minister Prayuth’s un-tightening of the country’s recently tightened immigration policies, those who choose to live out their golden years as illegal immigrants immersed in a constant state of drunken haze and commercial sex can once again breathe freely. And if that doesn’t make Pattaya’s bar owners, visa run service operators, flesh peddlers, and prostitutes happy, I, and the good general, don’t know what will.

So if you were concerned that the next time you stepped foot out of the country it would be your last time, rest easy. The crack down on in-out visa scammers is now officially an ex-crackdown in illegal immigration. And if an immigration official starts giving you a hard time about the multiple entry stamps cluttering up the pages of your passport, just tell him you are headed for Pattaya. Then all will be fine. Because unlike clueless farang, Thais know what Almost Prime Minister Prayuth meant when he promised to bring happiness back to Thai people.

The biggest problem Thailand faces with drunk touri is that overly-inebriated visitors can’t tell the difference between an elephant and a ladyboy.

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