I get why the fans of Pattaya hate Phuket so much. It’s the beach resort version of penis envy. Phuket has picture postcard perfect tropical shorelines, Pattaya has a landfill trying to pass itself off as a beach. Phuket has 5-star hotels and luxurious exclusive resorts, Pattaya offers guest houses for under thirty-five bucks a night. Phuket draws celebrities and jet-set visitors from around the world, Pattaya’s allure attracts sex tourists who consider price before quality. Even Phuket’s jet ski scam puts Pattaya’s to shame. It’s a rivalry, but a one-sided rivalry at best. Mention Pattaya to fans of Phuket and all you’ll get is a sneering chuckle. As if.

But Pattaya isn’t alone in its grass is always greener syndrome funk. Phuket may not consider Pattaya competition, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t compare itself to other popular tourist destinations, or that when it does it doesn’t find itself coming up short too. Perhaps not as a beach resort, but in over-all numbers Phuket has something to be jealous about. And it’s doing something about it. Although Phuket may do better by following Pattaya fans’ lead and just haul out the hate instead.

A mere 283 nautical miles, or a 8 1/2 hour drive, or just over an hour in the air away from Phuket, Penang, Malaysia is a popular SE Asian tourist destination. It too has beaches, although Phuket’s are much more stunning. But it has a bustling downtown area filled with colonial era buildings painted every color of the tropical rainbow. A World Heritage Site, Penang is known for its architecture, its fascinating fusion of the East and West, its rich Chinese heritage, its awesome temples, its harmonious multiracial populace and old-world charm, its clan jetties, its botanical gardens and national forest, and its scrumptious hawker food. The ‘Pearl of the Orient’ is truly a tropical paradise that offers something for everyone, from historical buffs and nature park enthusiasts to those just wanting to relax on a sun-drenched beach. Almost all attractions difficult for Phuket to compete with. But what really sets Penang apart in Phuket’s eyes is the one tourist demographic Penang excels at: old people.

With an economy heavily dependent on tourism, Phuket has studied the issue and reached a conclusion: It needs old people, and a lot of them. Maybe even more than Pattaya attracts. Local officials, tour agents, and business folk from various parts of the island recently met to hash out ideas for what best would entice the geriatric set to Phuket. ‘Cuz the one thing they all agree on is beaches filled with discarded Depends is surely the path to prosperity.

Associate Professor Saranya Bunnag of the Social Sciences Faculty at Prince of Songkhla University (PSU) says “I believe we should attract more elderly tourists to come in Phuket. In Penang in Malaysia they get lots of these people. It would be good if we in Phuket can do the same.”

She said that the PSU research team has already begun collecting information about the behavior of old people on holiday. “They like comfortable accommodation and food that is easy to digest. They like visiting natural places such as the hot springs in Ranong, and places of history,” she says. What she didn’t say is why in the world Phuket thinks attracting elderly tourists, who are know for being cheap, is the path to riches for Phuket.

Sure, the nightly scene on Walking Street is getting out of hand, but bussing in the elderly will kill that golden goose. When the oldies start showing up, the youth of the world quickly find a greener pasture. Just look at FaceBook these days. And granted, Kim Kardashian and Rihanna might not be the typical tourist you want to attract – for obvious reasons – but Phuket is a well-known tropical destination for globe-trotting celebrities. At least until it becomes a popular hang-out for the nursing home set. And as loath as I am to have to see Kim Kardashian’s naked ass yet again, that’s still preferable to Steven Tyler’s septuagenarian set of man boobs.

You have to wonder if they banned the use of umbrellas on Phuket’s beaches just to make room for the large number of walkers they are soon expecting. Or maybe it’s just about self-preservation. If another tsunami hits, with a beach full of octogenarians, the path to higher ground and safety is gonna be fairly clear for anyone under fifty. I’m just not sure Phuket has really thought their new tourism scheme through. Sure it’ll be a boon for the fixed, high price tuk tuk industry; the elderly will need transpo just to make it down the block. But are ladyboys who can put off their retirement by decades and still hear how much they look like some tourist’s granddaughter really what the world needs?

How many 70-year-olds are gonna sign up for an afternoon of fun on a jet ski? And will the jet ski operators be able to pull off demanding thousands of baht for damage caused by incontinence alone? It already takes van transpos hours to get from the airport to Patong Beach thanks to their obligatory stop at headquarters to sell passengers over-priced tour packages. Has anyone considered how long that trip will take when the van has to pull over for a potty break every fifteen minutes?

Phuket cleared away a lot of the commercial mess from its beach areas so that tourists could once again delight in the views its known for. When the senior citizens take over they are gonna have to rebuild those spots just to accommodate all the Sizzler’s the old folk will demand. And the colorful shops selling beach towels, hats, and sarongs will give way to druggists trying to keep up with the old folks’ daily pharmaceutical needs. Street vendors will have to learn that even after haggling their ass off to make a few baht of profit, they’ll still have to give a senior citizen’s discount or suffer the consequences. While balloon chasers are strictly a Pattaya phenomenon today, they’ll be part of Phuket’s landscape in the near future.

Nevertheless, Bunnag and her crew at PSU are pushing the plan to turn Phuket into a rest home forward. They’ll be presenting their final report to the Federation of Thai Industries within the next two weeks. “We aim to help create a new target market [the elderly] and create new tour routes for them in Phuket,” she says. And Pattaya will finally have something it already does better than Phuket.