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Warning: Objects in mirror may appear smaller than they are. That includes machetes.

Warning: Objects in mirror may appear smaller than they are. That includes machetes.

Both first time visitors to Thailand and idiots are prone to being on the receiving end of a scam when spending time in the Big Mango. Actually, that should read first time visitor who are idiots. Anyone with half a functioning brain does at least some degree of pre-trip planning when visiting a foreign land for the first time, and you can’t delve too deeply into the subject when it’s Bangkok without becoming aware of the numerous, traditional scams designed to separate unsuspecting touri from their wallets. God may protect drunks, fools, and children, but in Bangkok the Buddha is in charge and according to him, it’s every man for himself.

Unfortunately, despite having a functioning brain, even pre-warned and savvy visitors still are prone to being scammed because it is nigh impossible to not use a taxi in town. And as soon as you step into one, there’s a 50/50 chance you are about to be taken for a ride.

I recently ran across a story about a taxi driver who killed a 51-year-old American man in Bangkok with a machete after the man had stiffed him on a 51 baht fare. Yellow journalism at its best, the article I read used the fare amount in it’s headline. Googling for more info I found Fox News played up the weapon of choice, a machete; the Daily Mail decided size matters and bestowed 12” on said machete; and the New York Post, because accuracy in reporting doesn’t hold a candle to a grizzly, exotic death, decided a Samurai sword sounded better than a machete of any size. So I didn’t bother looking for more details since the available sources had managed to make up a few of their own in the headlines alone.

But the article I did read managed to throw in an easy to miss line adding as an afterthought that in addition to refusing to pay the fare the now dead American threw his coffee in the taxi driver’s face. I can’t say in all of the advice I’ve read for visitors to Thailand that I’ve ever noted that specific warning before, but for the record your #1 rule when visiting Thailand has nothing to do with dissing the King. Never Throw Coffee In The Face Of A Thai should be every touri’s mantra.

And now why you are not allowed to be armed in a Bangkok taxi makes sense.

And now why you are not allowed to be armed in a Bangkok taxi makes sense.

For some time now there have been warnings about taxis in Bangkok with fixed meters. It is an easy scam, especially when used on touri who haven’t a clue what the cab fare from one point to the next should be anyway. It’s a good scam too – taxi fares in Bangkok are cheap. Adding a buck or two to the total by fixing the meter makes for a small profit, one that most won’t notice. But the now dead 51-year-old American did. The last ride of his life stalled in traffic on Sukhumvit early on during his journey and he noticed the meter already read a whopping 51 baht. Pissed at being scammed, the passenger got out of the cab. But couldn’t stop himself from giving the driver a good scolding. Enter coffee. And machete.

Size queens have focused on the length of the weapon, most others the stupidity of being killed or killing someone over what amounts to about $1.70. I doubt either of the gentlemen involved considered that amount to be the overarching concern in their disagreement. To the dead American it was probably a matter of principles. Not just at being cheated but also the implied insult that he was too stupid not to notice. To the taxi driver it wasn’t about not making his less than $2 score, it was about being called a thief. And then to add insult to injury, having a Starbucks’ product thrown in his face. To the despondent sexpat looking to end it all, the lesson here is that in Bangkok, death by taxi is a more fool proof choice than the flying farang act will ever be. For the casual visitor who’d like to live to see another day, the bigger question is just how are you supposed to handle being scammed by a taxi driver in Bangkok?

Obviously, first and foremost is to keep your liquids to yourself. Keeping whatever witty little bit of snark you just came up with to yourself ain’t bad advice either. Thais are big on face. Even when they are busy dissing yours. You may be in the right, he is obviously in the wrong, but confrontations are not a Thai way of life. And the popularity of machetes is one of the reasons why. If fight or flee are your options you’ll be better off taking the coward’s way out. No problemo. You can take out your frustrations on the next unarmed Thai you run across.

As tragic as senseless deaths are in Thailand, you have to admit the ubiquitous official police crime reenactments are kinda cool.

As tragic as senseless deaths are in Thailand, you have to admit the ubiquitous official police crime reenactments are kinda cool.

But even in the act of fleeing there is an art. Getting out of a taxi when the driver is scamming you is popular advice. One of the problems with this tack is no one has told the taxi drivers that this is an acceptable way of dealing with the problem. You may find yourself being chased down the street. You may also find yourself stranded, standing on some unknown soi without a clue as to where you are. Or worse. I read of one potential scamee who decided enough was enough and hopped out at a toll plaza. Guess how successful you’ll be there in flagging down a new ride. There was also the recent story of a passenger who hopped out of his ride, then leaned back in to give the driver his two cents worth. The driver returned the favor with a two cent ride, dragging the still-a-passenger down the street. As crazy and unskilled at the task as Bangkok drivers are, you may find staying inside the cab is a safer bet.

When you get to your destination – which you’ve been smart enough to insure isn’t your final one – before you begin arguing about the fare, consider how much it is you are arguing about. Two bucks? You might be better off laughing about what a Thai will do for two dollars and then just get on with your holiday. If you can’t let the little things go, and can’t control your sense of indignation, at least control your anger. Yelling never works in Thailand. Nor does rasing your voice. Calling a Thai a thief isn’t a safe proposition either, even if he is one. And as satisfying as you may think telling him off will be, it won’t. But turnabout is fair play and even a Thai scamming you over a fare will get that.

Plaster a concerned look filled with pity on your face while pointing at the meter and wailing, “Ohhhh, broke!” Throw in a few tsks and shakes of your had, a gentle commensurate pat on his shoulder ain’t a bad touch either. Using a lot of English is a lesson in futility, your driver will understand little of it. He will however understand how badly you feel for him to be driving a taxi with a faulty meter, and the shame you feel on his behalf for having such crappy karma. Ham it up. There is no such thing as over-acting in Thailand. Pass over what the correct fare should be, keep up your pity party persona, tell him to have a good day, smile a lot, and get out of there before he realizes he’s just been had. He’ll be dazed and confused and you’ll be long gone before a mental picture of that machete in his trunk starts forming in his mind.

And if you believe that I’ve got a taxi meter I’d like to sell you.

And if you believe that I’ve got a taxi meter I’d like to sell you.

What you shouldn’t do is follow the advice you can find on the internet (which may or may not include the wisdom imparted on this blog). I’ll give you two examples of why. First, because every touri visiting Bangkok has the option of being scammed as soon as they land, consider this well-intended bit of travel advice covering grabbing a cab at Suvarnabhumi:

“The average amount an Airport Taxi charge from the airport to Bangkok is from THB 1,200 to THB 1,500. To avoid this ridiculous amount and save money, go to the 4th floor of the airport which is the Departure area and hail a taxi. The taxi drivers always negotiate with a fixed rate around THB 500 but you always have the option to get a metered taxi which is the cheapest. Just tell them you want a metered taxi.”

Either this guy has been to Bangkok as many times as Beachball has, or he’s practicing for a job at Fox News. At the toll amount quoted, the metered rate for getting to his hotel would be between 250 and 300 baht, not the 1,200 to 1,500 he’s stated. And the 500 fixed fee he managed to get by using Departures instead of the official taxi queue is the same rate those drivers who are trying to scam you would quote. With a bit of luck and some knowledge about what fares should run, you can grab a metered taxi at the Departures level and avoid the 50 baht airport surcharge, but that’s a lot of work to save less than $2.

As for the, “500 baht, okay?” fixed fare scam drivers from the official queue will try, just smile, point at the meter and assume he’d just not noticed his taxi had one until you pointed it out. You’ll get your metered ride and as long as you don’t get abusive about it, you’ll probably arrive at your hotel without taking a few detours to run the fare up to a respectable amount.

But then if you really want to end it all, a motorcycle taxi is a much better bet.

But then if you really want to end it all, a motorcycle taxi is a much better bet.

The second bit of advice to ignore also deals with taxis at the airport. Since I’m not you, I don’t really care if you try to sneak a cheaper ride by grabbing a taxi that has just dropped off a fare at the Departures level instead of using the official taxi queue. Others think doing so is a vile act of betrayal. They’ll try to convince you to use the approved service because then if the driver tries to scam you, you are issued a receipt that you can use to report him to the authorities. Technically, they are right. And technically, all those Buddhas and other pseudo-religious tchotkes the driver has populated his dashboard with will being him good luck and prosperity.

There are several problems with the idea that you can extract your revenge by snitching to the teacher. Besides it being a juvenile act. First, no one cares. Even if you manage to get all the necessary details right and report the dude, nothing will happen. This is Thailand. The process for registering complaints about taxis is there because having a process to register complaints about taxi drivers is needed. It’s not in place to actually take action against that driver. Second, for a first time visitor trying to figure out what info you need to register a complaint is beyond impossible. You probably need the taxi’s number – not counting the license plate there are two, and sometimes three numbers to choose from, all different, and all clearly marked in Thai as to what those numbers are.

Knowing who you driver was is good too. There is a placard on the dash – hidden behind the Buddhas and other pseudo-religious tchotkes the driver has populated his dashboard with (see, lucky already!) – with yet another number, even more incomprehensible Thai – in a much smaller font – and a photo of your driver. Well, a photo of the driver who is supposed to be driving your taxi. It seldom pictures your actual driver. So good luck with that. You have a better chance of deciphering all the ‘Not Allowed’ graphic decals plastered across the backseat windows than you will at making sense out of your official airport taxi complaint form.

A lot of time and effort was made to insure this is a completely useless official government form.

A lot of time and effort was made to insure this is a completely useless official government form.

Good advice for any possible confrontation in Thailand is that old stand-by, don’t get mad. More satisfying is the follow up thought: get even. There’s a chance your driver actually cares about all those things those little graphic decals on his window says you are not supposed to do. Pick out your favorite three and do them. In my book that’s a win/win. Where else in the world can you have public sex in a taxi for only a buck and a half?

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