Tonight is one of the high holidays in the gay constellation of bright Hollywood lights: The Academy Awards. Since Django Unchained, which is up for Best Picture, made it cool to use the N word again (like I’m stupid enough to actually do that) I’m hoping the presenters will get a clue and finally quit using that wishy-washy ‘and the Oscar goes to’ phrase and go back to the more praiseworthy “and the winner is’. Seriously, if you don’t get the little gold guy you’re a loser no matter how many time you say it’s an honor just to be nominated. I doubt the studio that forked out the big bucks to snag your nomination for you thinks you losing is an honor. Besides, everyone involved in tonight’s production is gay anyway so they’re already all winners in my book.
It seems only fitting that the Oscars go gay in a big way this year since even President Obama jumped on the rainbow bandwagon in his State of the Union Address. Who knew we’d ever become so in? This year is the first time an openly gay man will host the Academy Awards. Unless you count James Franco’s phoned-in attempt two years ago. And he’s not really gay anyway. He’s just a straight man who likes to bottom. Seth MacFarlane – a major fan of show tunes – gets to finally step out from behind the camera and out of his closet to let his adoring fans gaze upon those heavily plucked eyebrows of his. Up until now he’s only outted himself as the voice of the gay character Stewie in Family Guy. And on the casting couch when lining up some of Hollywood’s hottest hunks to appear in his movies. No doubt he is already set to make his move to console Leonardo Dicaprio for failing to get nominated, but then Seth is one of the few gays in Hollywood willing to accept Quentin Tarantino’s sloppy seconds so landing Leonardo isn’t actually a win.
Of course for the gays it’s not about who is and who won’t admit it, but rather who is wearing whom at the Academy Awards, with a slight nod toward who actually wins. Since I spoiled the presidential election for you by announcing that winner in advance, I thought it only right I do the same for something y’all actually care about. So here’s who will be taking home an Oscar tonight (for the categories anyone will remember by tomorrow morning):
Best Supporting Actor:
Not every person who wins an Oscar this year can be family, and even though Philip Seymour Hoffman counts, no one really cares about the supporting categories so this one is gonna go to Tommy Lee Jones in a nod to the grumpy face he made at the Golden Globes. If they ever make a movie about the gay gogo bars in Bangkok, Tommy is a shoe-in for reaction shots of the dour old coots sitting in the audience.
Best Supporting Actress:
Seriously. Fish. And fish without enough talent to land a leading role to boot. Along with the rest of the world I’d like to see Sally Field win this one. It’s been 20 years since she ruined her career with her last Oscar acceptance speech and we’re all waiting in breathless anticipation to watch her do it again. Many feel that Justin Bieber will win this one for her role in Le Miz, but just so that the lesbians don’t feel totally left out, Helen Hunt will walk away with the Oscar for her convincing portrayal of a prostitute servicing a gross farang, a role Thai bar boys are equally skilled at playing.
Best Actress:
Personally I think Leonardo got snubbed by the Academy in not being nominated in this category, but the winning actress is an easy pick: Meryl Streep.
Best Actor:
With the talent represented in this category, choosing the winner is a difficult task. Daniel Day-Lewis emoted his ass off as usual and the Academy loves emoting. Hugh Jackman is a serious contender for his skill at coming off gay in everything he does, while Bradley Cooper is equally talented in trying to come off as straight in everything he does . Joaquin Phoenix can’t be ignored ‘cuz the Academy has always been fond of bestowing posthumous awards. Denzel, unfortunately doesn’t stand a chance and only got the nomination to convince everyone that Hollywood doesn’t really approve of the N word despite all the accolades it’s been throwing at Quentin. And the winner is: Daniel Day-Lewis. Not for killing the character of Lincoln, but rather for his ground-breaking role as a young British thug involved in an interracial gay relationship in 1985’s My Beautiful Laundrette. Though getting to make out naked with that little Indian hottie should have been reward enough.
Best Director:
Steven Spielberg is not gay, but he is Jewish and certainly could have afforded to buy this Oscar if he really needed another one. David O. Russell deserves major props for keeping both Bradley Cooper and Chris Tucker from lisping in Silver Linings Playbook. And he gets bonus the-Oscar-goes-to-the gay-guy points for groping his transgendered niece last year. It doesn’t matter if Michael Haneke is gay or not since he’s not American, and even though my gaydar was pinging its ass off when I saw Benh Zeitlin on The Colbert Report, no one has ever hard of him before. Nor will they ever again. This statue goes to Ang Lee for Life of Pi, as well as for his three previous gay movies Brokeback Mountain, The Wedding Banquet, and Taking Woodstock. If Spielberg ever wants to win another Oscar he really needs to get his gay on. He can start by casting Channing Tatum in Robopocalypse.
Best Picture:
Throw in the lesbian for Zero Dark Thirty and you have a gay tie-in for almost every movie nominated for Best Picture. Ya got the aforementioned Bradley Cooper and Chris Tucker in Silver Linings Playbook, the aforementioned gay director no one has ever heard of for Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi’s Ang Lee strong gay past – he should get another nod just for getting Jake Glyndhall to play a bottom on film like he does in real life – and recently out actor Victor Garber (Bradley Cooper’s old boyfriend) and not yet out gay director Ben Affleck for Argo. Then there are both Jamie Foxx and Leonardo Dicaprio for a one-two gay punch in Django Unchained, and DD-L’s gay-for-pay career starter representing the pink team for Lincoln. The uber gay Les Misérables is up for the award too with the should-be-gay Hugh Jackman belting out show tunes. BTW, who knew Jodi Foster could sing? Or was that Justin Bieber? Better yet, why didn’t Russell Crowe (who played gay in The Sum Of Us) know that he couldn’t sing? The only hold out is Amour, a depressing French film made by a Nazi (as opposed to Les Misérables, a depressing film set in France made by a Brit who shot part of his last Oscar winning film on a gay porn set and thanked his “triangle of man love” during his acceptance speech).
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Les Misérables won at the Golden Globes, but then the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has always had a wicked sense of humor (They also gave Ben Affleck a nod for Best Director, but that was just to put Matt Damon in his place). The Oscar for Best Picture will go to Argo, partially to make up for snubbing Ben in the Best Director category, more so because despite how hot Hugh Jackman is it’s difficult to beat the combined hotness of Ben Affleck, George Clooney, and Chris Messina.
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