If there is one thing I’ve learned in life it is that nothing drives traffic to a blog like Channing Tatum’s penis. Channing’s penis recently married his long-time girlfriend, which should put an end to all those mean, vile ‘he’s gay’ rumors that nasty bloggers have been spreading, all of whom should be seriously ashamed of themselves. Oh, wait. That’s me . . .
In case you haven’t heard – and let me be the first to welcome you from under that rock – Chan’s penis has a new movie opening this Friday night. Yes, I know: it seems Chan’s penis has a new movie opening every Friday night, but this is his long awaited stripper biopic, Magic Mike, featuring some of Hollywood’s tastiest pieces of man flesh. And Matthew McConaughey is in it too.
The movie is loosely based on Chan’s penis’ early days as a male stripper in some Florida dive bar. Two of Chan’s ex-fellow bar boys recently sued, claiming Chan and his penis ripped off their life stories. As though getting naked for a room full of trailer trash bitches in heat constitutes a life. Or a story. Showing that he has a future in politics, Chan denied. What he should have done was tuck a hundred dollar bill in their respective g-strings and have been done with it. Though that probably would have led to a night of male-bonding of the most intimate kind. Oh, wait. That’s right, he’s straight and married now.
Boomer! We got a job for you!
The movie version of the boys have all been out stumping the PR trail trying to work up interest in their little film, which really is a waste of everyone’s time ‘cuz all you have to do is say: Joe Manganiello as Big Dick Ritchie and you are guaranteed blockbuster box-office draw. Especially since the producers of True Blood have kept Joe’s ass undercover so far this season forcing drooling fans to pay to see it on the big screen instead. I’m not sure why the movie’s producers thought it would be a good idea to have Jonah Hill appearing shirtless on the talk show circuit to hype their movie, but . . . what? Oh, my bad. That’s Matthew McConaughey who has been doing the shirtless hype thingy. Well, it could be worse, at least Russell Brand isn’t in the movie.
Anyway, since internet searches for Chan, Chan’s gayness, and his penis in over 508 different languages have funneled the masses to my little blog, I thought I should do my part to hype his latest’s movie’s opening and could think of no more better way of doing so than to post a few shots of Chan and his penis in their younger days. (Yes, pix of Joe Manganiello and his penis would be an even bigger bump but so far Joe has been reticent about showing off little Joe so these will have to suffice.) Yes there are actual photos of Chan stripping his clothes off at the tender age of 19 during his first career as a bar boy, though considering his acting skills he is still making his livelihood by taking cash for taking his clothes off in his second career as a film star as well. Ah the circle of life.
For the record Channing’s penis does not make a guest appearance in the movie, nor do any of his co-star playmates, not even the gay penis. Which shows you the movie is not very true to life. But there is butt. Of several different sizes, races, and persuasions. And if that doesn’t beat the latest Tyler Perry in drag movie, Madea’s Witness Protection Program, at the box office, then there’s something not right with the world.
(By the way, though it will not be opening until next month, can someone tell me why Hannibal Lecter is staring in the new Batman Movie, The Dark Knight Rises?)
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