It’s the final season of True Blood – which probably ain’t a bad thing – and we’re all hoping the series goes out with a gangbang. Or at least with a lot of naked gay couplings between the male leads. Or just a lot of nakedness on Joe Manganiello’s part.Or Alexander Skarsgard’s. Or Ryan Kwanten’s. Episode 1 did a decent job at that and I have to say Ryan Kwanten’s ass is looking mighty fine these days. Better yet, Episode 2 started off with both banging and the aforementioned gay couplings between male leads. In this case a blonde-on-blonde naked smooch-fest starring Ryan Kwanten’s mighty fine ass and that hunk of Nordic manhood Alexander Skarsgard. Sure it turned out to be a dream sequence, ‘cuz a bit of homo sex has got to be fantasy in a show full of werewolves and vampires, but then whose sex life doesn’t involve a lot of fantasy? Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what happened after that ‘cuz I watched it on HBO GO and have just been replaying that wet dream over and over again. I’m sure I’ll check out the rest of the episode at some time, ‘cuz there is still a lot of nakedness on Joe Manganiello’s part to look forward to. Stay tuned. And keep that bottle of lube handy.

Now if only killing off Tara actually sticks. After seasons of everyone praying for it, the bitch finally went all gooey . . . all over her mother’s lap. Which was a nice touch. ‘Cuz in Hollywood the only mom used to that sorta thing is Kris Jenner. But I know that eyebrow-less bitch Tara will be making its reappearance all too soon. You’d think you could trust a vampire that dies to stay dead. But I guess if Kim Kardashian can have another wedding, Tara can have another life too. And it could be worse. We could be subjected to another shot of Sheriff Andy’s buttocks like last season. Or any nudity of Bill’s. Which would be enough to turn me bisexual. Just like it did his wife.

But that was in real life where Mahmoud Ahmadinejad thinks there are no such things as fairies, but in the world of television there are and the main one on the show (aka the aforementioned bisexual wife) made the smart move and went for Joe’s lusciousness instead. Finally. Which should cure that itch for fish she came down with. Not that I want to see Joe pick his meat out of that gap between her teeth anymore than you do, but she’s done every other male lead on the set show, so it was his turn. Joe got a haircut for the new season and like Ryan Kwanten’s ass he too is looking mighty fine. I’m not usually into the older hirsute set, but all Joe has to do is growl and it’s chub city for me. So I’ve been practicing how to say woof. Just in case.

Straight boys who wanted to enjoy the show but were put off by its male nudity and gayness in the past – which we all know means gay boys who just haven’t come out to themselves yet – often complained about the program regularly featuring penises doing those things penises tend to do when they meet each other. It looks like this season the producers decided to give them what they really wanted: more penis. And Lafayette finally gets one to call his own. Other than his own. Kinda, sorta. I know, you’ll try to say they gave him a boyfriend once before but y’all really need to learn the difference between a plotline and a boyfriend. Not that I think you will since many of you haven’t learned the difference between a money boy and a boyfriend yet either. And that little taco was never real boyfriend material anyway. He was originally Lafayette’s mother’s male nurse and I can guarantee you a male nurse who’s been washing your mother’s ancient vagina daily for the last three months is gonna take one look at you and immediately picture what you’ll be looking like at the age of 80. Even if you are not frowning. And in few does that evoke a, “Let’s be boyfriends!” response. Although he may offer to wipe off that drool of spittle running down from the corner of your mouth. Oh, sorry, that wasn’t spittle? My bad.

In any case, the only non-cracker left alive in Bon Temps was supposed to be ravished by Luke Grimes – who played gay in Brothers and Sisters – this season but Luke went, “Ewwwww!” and said he wouldn’t do gay because since he already had once he didn’t want to be type-cast ‘cuz that would ruin his career. Not that he’s had one since the last time he went gay mind you. Nor does that attitude fly in Hollywood any longer . We didn’t establish Tinseltown’s gay mafia so straight boys into the arts could still try to pretend they’re straight. At least not without joining the Scientologist first. And at his age it’s not like he’s gonna get invited to one of Bryan Singer’s parties anyway. Besides, looking at Luke I suspect he’s played gay more than one time before ‘cuz that is an ass that was made for the casting couch. So, buh-bye Luke, hello Nathan. Now let’s see your penis.

The new version of James is played by 26-year-old Nathan Parsons who appeared in the ABC soap opera General Hospital and in 2012’s Bunheads, which I never watched but which for some reason sounds intriguing. More importantly, Nathan was in the fifth installment of the homoerotic horror film Brotherhood franchise, The Brotherhood V: Alumni, so he’s already proven he has the necessary acting chops. And knows how to suck. Unlike most of the other male leads on the show – not counting Lafayette ‘cuz they did go with type-casting on that one – Nathan is an American. But before you start chalking up a win in the cut penis column, he was born in Australia. So that still leaves Joe as the hoodie holdout. And gives him an excuse for coming up short.

While I’m on the subject of penises to watch for, hunky Will Yun Lee has been cast to play a bad guy this season because a) he’s Asian and in Hollywood that either means a role as the “Asian sidekick” or the “Evil Asian Guy”, b) the bad guy last season had far too much hair on his chest, and, c) even though he’s 43, Bryan Singer – who cast him as the Silver Samurai in X-Men Origins: The Wolverine – gave him a big thumbs up. But then Asian men do tend to look younger than they are. Oh. You already knew that, huh? You may not remember Will from his stint on the TNT supernatural drama series Witchblade and NBC’s Bionic Woman or his small role in the James Bond film Die Another Day or his recurring role in the bromantic gay version of Hawaii Five-0. He was also in Bangkok Love Story, but not the one you are thinking of. ‘Cuz then he’d be playing a Thai character and True Blood already had a Thai character whose only on-screen moment last season was servicing Pam. And Will Grimes is the one worried about type-casting.

You’ll note I did not mention or ask to see Lafayette’s penis. That’s not about race. That’s about all that crocheted crap he wears. Like an almost-tranny living in the deep south is gonna deck herself out in her grandma’s old afghans. Please. This is not Nebraska. Every season they give our girl Lafayette a new look and every season he ends up looking like Tara. Or a less masculine looking Whoopi Goldberg. In case I failed to mention her yet. And that’s not about race either. That’s about a lack of eyebrows. Maybe whichever costume designer it is who is so handy with a crochet hook could make them both – or I guess that’s all three – a set. And while he or she is at it, how about one of those cute little knitted ball sack warmers for Joe Manganiello too? Joe likes to claim he is naturally hairless below the neck, but you don’t have a five o’clock shadow as thick as Whoopi’s snatch unless the rest of you is sprouting short curlies too. And you known that crazy-wolf gleam he gets in his eyes pops up whenever he’s manscaping too so I’m sure his little puppies get awfully cold. He’d no doubt appreciate some woolen-wear for those long cold nights when he doesn’t have a woman sharing his bed. Like all 365 of them. Or, since I’m learning how to say woof, he could just give me a call. Or send a selfie to Bryan Singer ‘cuz I’m sure that bald look would land him an invite.

In my annual precap, recap, and other crap articles about True Blood, I usually post spoilers. ‘Cuz that’s the kinda guy I am. And y’all just look at the pictures of naked maleness anyway. Usually I have some insight into the season’s plot ‘cuz I shoplift the True Blood books by Charlaine Harris from my local Walmart. Which I wish I hadn’t done with the most recent, and final, book in the series ‘cuz I’d like to take that sucker back for a refund. Even for a fat, white southern woman who votes republican and thinks god made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, usually her fiction is filled with humor if not with black characters (and yes, you finally called it right: that is about race). But she’s been whining for a few years now about how tired she is of writing the books that net her millions of dollars and finally called it quits by producing the most boring piece of crap to come out of Dixie since Mitch McConnell.

She obviously wanted to tie up all of the storylines and provide closure for the main characters, but since in her misguided mind that meant Sookie, it’s all Sookie this and Sookie that, and Sookie, Sookie, Sookie until you yell, “Good god, where’s the penis!” Kinda like your last bar boy boyfriend. Except without the accent. So now she can fade into oblivion – although I wish she had just a bit earlier – and live a full life of stuffing bonbons in her mouth while sitting on her couch watching reruns of the television show that made her famous ‘cuz her career is now deader than the un-dead (and we can only hope Tara is even deader). I mean it’s not like she was ever as talented as Paula Dean anyway.

True Blood has been headed downward quicker than Seth Rogen on Zac Efron’s’ crotch for a few season now and only gets its annual renewal because someone at HBO is as fond of Joe Manganiello’s penis as I am. And since these days Joe has immersed himself in the world of gay male strippers having starred in Magic Mike, being in line for reprising his role in Magic Mike II, and having just produced a documentary about gay male strippers – ‘cuz what 37-year-old, never been married but real good friends (wink, wink) with Matt Bomer, straight guy isn’t into gay male strippers – we all know it won’t be long before Little Joe makes a public appearance. Although long may not be the correct word to use in his case. Not that I can’t have a perfectly good orgasm just looking at Joe’s naked chest mind you. But since the word is that Alexander Skarsgard is quite proud of the goods Odin blessed him with and wanders around True Blood’s set naked sans sock, Joe must feel he needs to give proper thanks to Zeus too, even if he got a bit short changed and attempting to win that competition would be more like an ode to Sisyphus.

But that’s all Greek to me. And besides, whatever gods you worship, they don’t give you an ass like Joe’s unless they intend you to put it to good use. And since Eric Bana just retired his naked ass, the wide-screen is desperately in need of some prime male beefcake bottom to showcase. Quickly before James Franco shows off his again. ‘Cuz when that selfie came in over my Twitter feed I wondered when it was that I started following Cher.

So the boys and occasional fish of Bon Temps are finally meeting the true death, even before HBO realized someone needs to put Julia Louis-Dreyfus – who was annoying playing Elaine on Seinfeld and has been just as annoying playing Elaine in every other failed sitcom they’d thrown her way – out in the sun, or preferably somewhere dank and dark where we’ll never have to see her again – like in Luke Grime’s closet – and fans have but a few brief shows left to ogle the male flesh that made True Blood famous. That leaves little time for the boys to play with each other’s toys too and while the winning gay male True Blood coupling we all want to see would be anyone other than Bill, history tells us it is gonna be Jason yet again because Ryan Kwanten has had a wet dream with every hunky male cast member to date, except for Joe Manganiello and ya know that’s a pairing that will go down in the annals of television history – especially if it’s Alcide doing the going down – even if two bottoms in bed together just doesn’t make any sense. But then none of the last six seasons of True Blood has made a bit of sense either. Let’s just hope they do the right thing and give Kwanten’s penis the happy ending it deserves. ‘Cuz if they go with that Lost they’re-in-purgatory bullshit thingy I’m gonna drive a wooden dildo through Alan Ball’s demented little heart.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:
This Just Not In: Joe Manganiello’s Penis Is Really Really Small	Pictures That Move Me: What Dreams May Cum	True Blood Season 6: It Ain’t Over Til The Fat Ladyboy Sings