I guess that with a lesbian hosting the Academy Awards this year, it’s only right that Oscar finally supports some wood. Yup, Tim Robinson, the man responsible for Oscar’s physique has decided it is time for his penis to come out of the closet; this year those little gold men will have a bit more heft than ever before. Personally, I think it’s because the Academy is ramping up to give George Clooney another statue and wants him to be happy next time. And just in case Joe Manganiello ever wins one, there’ll be no problem with him feeling less of a man ‘cuz they went with an Asian-sized penis. Which, I guess, will work well for Jared Leto too.

If you haven’t noticed (you bitch) Nate Silver isn’t the only gay man whose predictions of the major moments of our lives are amazingly accurate. I called the presidential election right, scored 93% on last year’s Oscars, and have always claimed Tom Daley was gay. Even if he thinks he is only bisexual. So, to save you from having to actually tune in to the ceremony, without further ado, here are my predictions on who will walk away with a little dick at this year’s Academy Awards. Besides Bradley Cooper. If he gets lucky.

My first prediction is that despite Ellen DeGeneres hosting the awards, there will be no little gay girls who suddenly decide they are lesbian. Unless Ellen’s wife, Portia de Rossi, gets some air time. Then there will be lots of little gay boys who decide they need to be a lesbian. Perfectly understandable. However, Ellen’s appearance will send sales of Maybelline sky-high . . . can someone explain to me why lesbians haven’t a clue about how to apply their face paint? Less is more should be the guiding rule ladies (and I use that term loosely). It shouldn’t be an attempt to look like Rocky Raccoon. Maybe looking like a muppet is Ellen’s thing, but if she wants to get the gay wearing make-up thing right, she only need look at last year’s host, Seth MacFarlane, for a perfect example.

The Academy Awards often mirrors current events in the rest of the world, so, obviously, this is the Year of the Gay in Hollywood too. Uh, and yes, I know last year’s ceremony was too. And in neither case am I talking about Joan Rivers’ perennial drag queen act on the red carpet. This year will be a rainbow spectacular with Bette Midler performing, Liza (and her lesser known siblings) honoring Judy’s most famous film’s 75th anniversary, and both John Travolta and Will Smith on hand to pass out an Oscar (and pick up a few new phone number of casting couch potentials like Jonah Hill).

Best Actress (Almost):
I wouldn’t bother with predicting who will win the Best Actress in a Supporting Role award, other than noting that Bradley Cooper shoulda been a contender but got nominated in the wrong category, but even fish deserve a nod so I’ll give it a stab. This one is a difficult choice. Mostly because other than Julia Robert, I haven’t a clue as to who any of these bitches are. Jennifer Lawrence seems to be the favorite for her role in American Hustle, which would make her only the third actresses to have won Oscars back-to-back. Which for some reason sounds a little gay and would therefore fit with this year’s theme. But every time I hear someone say American Hustle, that old disco ditty Do The Hustle starts playing in my head, so I’m going with Lupita Nyong’o from 12 Years a Slave instead.

Besides, it’s been a few years since the Academy gave out a It’s Not Because You Are Talented But Because You Are Black And We Have To Show We Are Not Racists award. And then Paula Dean can refer to her as “that black girl” so we’ll know all is right with the world once again.

Best Supporting Actor:
The award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role is a tricky pick too. Being it is The Year of the Gay, Bradley Cooper would almost seem like a shoe-in. Michael Fassbender’s penis, on the other hand is obviously award material, though since it didn’t actually make an appearance in 12 Years a Slave it will only get the fondly remembered vote. It’s always a shame when an actor forgets where his true talents lay. But then this is Hollywood where fantasy is what it’s all about so rather than go with the real gay guy (Bradley) the Academy will instead honor the fake gay guy, Jared Leo, for his gender bending role as Mathhew McConaughey’s bottom half in Dallas Buyers Club.

Which is only right. Not since’s Glenn Close’s portrayal of Albert, a 19th-century Irishwoman posing as a man in 2011’s Albert Nobbs, has there been such a stand out performance of a man posing as a woman posing as a tranny. And it’s time Hollywood welcomed the T into our LGB family. Plus, Jared played Colin Farrell’s boy toy in Alexander and never won an award for Outstanding Achievement In Bottoming, so it’s time. (Though to be honest, getting to be Colin’s boy toy is probably honor enough). And with gold selling at $1,325 an ounce these days, maybe he can pawn his statue and finally be able to afford a haircut. And a bath.

Best Actress:
Oh goodie. Fish again. The Best Actress (in a Leading Role ‘cuz otherwise we’d be talking about Bradley Cooper again) nod will go to Cate Blanchett. Although I haven’t a clue as to why. Though it may be the We Know You Are A Pedophile But Love You Anyway vote for Woody Allen’s direction. But then I haven’t a clue as to why Sandra Bullock was nominated either. Or why some pundits think she will win.

I get that Sandra won an award for The Blind Side, because everyone loves Sandra and she was going through a rough patch back then and needed a little pick me up. Plus, she showed her acting chops in that movie by going blonde. But Sandra is no Meryl Streep. Who is also nominated this year and who would bitch slap Sandra if she won. And rightly so. Sandra played an astronaut in Gravity and managed to set the women’s rights movement back 50 years in doing so while proving she’s no Sally Ride either (so it’s also a good thing she won’t win or Ellen would be bitch slapping her too).

Granted, she matched George Clooney’s acting skills in Gravity, but a woman who has made her way to being an astronaut does not dissolve into a brainless ball of whining hysteria when things start going wrong. Even in 3-D. Her Miss Congeniality Goes To Space take was difficult to watch and I spent 89 minute of that movie hoping someone would bitch slap her into orbit. Ya know there’s a reason why Sandra has won so many Razzies.

Best Actor:
Matthew McConaughey will win the Oscar for Best Actor (aka The Tom Hanks Memorial Award For A Straight Actor Playing A Gay Man With Aids Award) ‘cuz the Academy loves its gay men when they really aren’t. Even though McConaughey’s character in Dallas Buyers Club is supposedly straight. Not to mention homophobic. Which doesn’t explain that ladyboy thingy.

But then McConaughey did play opposite Sandra Bullock in A Time to Kill and didn’t bitch slap her, so I guess he deserves an award for that. And Matthew has dropped trou in more of his movies than not. And he played a not-gay gay guy in Magic Mike too. Plus there’s that naked bongo playing thingy. And he’s not Leonardo DiCaprio, whom everyone is getting a bit tired of. Not to mention he’s getting a bit chubby.

But I think McConaughey will really get the Oscar. For having the nicest ass in Hollywood. Or because everyone is getting a bit tired of Leonardo DiCaprio, everyone hates Christian Bale, everyone thought Bruce Dern was dead, and the Academy already decided to give the It’s Not Because You Are Talented But Because You are Black And We Have To Show We Are Not Racists award to Lupita Nyong’o so Chiwetel Ejiofor is out of the running (and no one trusts Jennifer Lawrence to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name correctly anyway and that would be très embarrassing.) It doesn’t hurt that with an Oscar behind him McConaughey will be able to get Magic Mike 2 made either. Huh. Why doe it always come down to Joe Manganiello’s penis?

Best Director:
It’s probably a good thing Woody Allen didn’t get nominated for Best Directing ‘cuz we all know what Woody is good at directing his attentions toward, and that’s only award worthy in Pattaya. I’d like to see Martin Scorsese win, even if he did make the mistake of casting Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street, but since there is no tie-in for The Year of the Gay theme for any of those nominated, I think the Academy will again be tempted to play the Guilty White People card and go with Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave. Plus, I really liked him in The Great Escape.

But even though a win for McQueen would be a first for a black director, a win for Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity would also be a first for a Latino director. And in the long run Americans care about those who do their gardening more than those they like to imprison. So expect it to be Viva Cuarón (and don’t expect your lawn edging to be done for about a week).

Best Picture:
Which brings us to the big kahuna: Best Picture. (And yes, that photo of Tom Daley’s naked ass I linked to in yesterday’s post, again, should be the obvious winner.) Everyone says this is the most difficult category to call this year because those movies nominated are all outstanding films. But let’s get real. Captain Phillips only got the nod because the rules say any movie with Tom Hanks in it has to be nominated. Kinda makes you wish he’d never got off that island. No one has ever heard of Her, but that nomination was part of the deal to get Ellen DeGeneres to host. Lesbians, what can I say? You’d think the Hers and Hers towels would be enough. American Hustle and The Wolf of Wall Street, both odes to American greed capitalism, cancel each other out. Not that an award for greed capitalism isn’t always popular in America.

Philomena only got nominated because of Dame Judy Dench. And that it’s no longer enough for the Academy to piss Meryl Streep off by nominating her but not giving her an award, now they have to shove Dame Judy in her face at every opportunity too. Nebraska only won a place on the roster because it was arty and Hollywood likes to pretend it really isn’t just about the money. But then couldn’t really see themselves giving an Oscar to a movie named after one of the fly-over states anyway. And Joe Manganiello’s penis already got its six degrees of separation nod with McConaughey’s win for Best Actor, so Dallas Buyers Club won’t be winning either. Which leaves Gravity and 12 Years a Slave. And that makes it an easy call.

Gravity’s brilliance was in its use of technology and special effects. Which the Academy, like everyone else, forgot there’s already an award category for. Plus there’s the Viva Cuarón thingy. But while a week without your lawn being edged might be acceptable, a double win would mean your housekeeper would be too full of herself to do the dishes too, and, well, what good is hiring illegal aliens if they won’t cater to your every need? And anyway, I think it was a bit suspicious that Cuarón made a space movie without aliens in it just because of his people. It’s not like the Republicans were serious about immigration reform, ya know?

So the Best Picture Oscar will be going to 12 Years a Slave, even though the movie’s campaign literature used the slogan “It’s time,” which is a blatant rip-off of Bruce Buffer’s signature call when announcing the main card at UFC fights. Now there are those who are against the movie winning because it’s a Brit’s accounting of how the USA treats treated its African Americans, like they never enslaved an entire race of people themselves. But since Piers Morgan just got canned from CNN, I think we’ve already solved our uppity Brit problem for the year. And with having to have begrudgingly given Quentin Tarantino a nod by nominating Django Unchained last year, if they don’t give 12 Years a Slave the award this year that means having to find yet another slave movie for the win in 2015. And that in turn means another year they can’t hire Paula Dean as a presenter . . . and that poor lady really needs her career back. Before she’s forced to take a job working craft services on the Duck Dynasty set.

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