Time again for a post under the Criticism, Critiques, and Claps category. While I was leaning toward a Turtle Ass Award – everyone always loves them so – I did not intend to look toward one of the gay Thailand boards for inspiration this time around. But then I ran across the ‘All About LMTU’ thread on Jabba The Butt’s blog bored board and figured such a thread so prominently placed and so well read and posted to could only be an on-line eulogy to the great man and felt it only right – even though I’d always thought LMTU would be the Susan Lucci of the Turtle Ass Awards – I add my own tribute by presenting a special award in his memory.

Like most, I was saddened to learn of Let Me Tell U’s demise. A testament to LMTU’s popularity within the community, the tribute thread was seventeen pages long and had over 3,500 views, a new record for Jabba’s forum, the next closest being the infamous ‘stinky poo’ thread, one I never bothered to read but believe was a challenge to find a new and more appropriate title for Jabba’s board. Jabba is a difficult man to forget, but well worth the effort. There is no beginning to the man’s talents, but you have to give him credit for braving yet another attempt at a successful website if for no other reason than his efforts lend credence to the old adage ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’. And again, and again, and again, and again. Jabba started his board at the bottom and it’s been a downhill battle ever since. As owner, moderator, and top poster, he ruins his board single handedly, doing the work of three men: Curly, Larry, and Moe.

Since days – and sometimes weeks – go by with LMTU being the only member to start a new thread on Jabba’s forum, you can understand how deeply Jabba misses him. And he feels personally responsible for LMTU’s passing as preliminary reports are that LMTU died of boredom while reading one of Jabba’s posts. Authorities in Pattaya believe the same causation may be behind the rash of flying expat deaths that city has experienced over the last year.

Jabba started the thread off with a moving account detailing the countless minutes he and LMTU had spent together in person. But the depth of their bromance found its home on-line where the two, equally unarmed, often engaged in a battle of wits. Jabba usually won, relying on his authority to close or lock the thread using his famous iron fist, the strength of which he has built over the years in a failed attempt at becoming the master of his domain. Yes, Jabba often proved he was the bitter man, but LMTU gave as good as he got, the boys he’d spent a lifetime buying wishing he’d done the same with them.

And speaking about premature ejaculators, Jabba turned the LMTU tribute thread into a sticky post, a term that could well apply to many threads on his board. He suspended his normal draconian set of board rules, that in itself a testament to the high regard in which he held LMTU. But Jabba’s actions have never spoken as clearly, or as plodding or as pontificating in manner as his words, nor do the two streams of consciousness often meet. So let’s turn to Jabba’s own words to pay “The great LMTU” respect.

Jabba, likening LMTU to Field Marshal Montgomery:, and admitting “throughout all the years of his posting, he’s never wrong,” offered a sorrowful lament: “Why, oh why can’t I be more like Let me tell u? Let me tell u is certainly my role model. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all be more like him . . . ?” Jabba added that that had long been one of his goals and apologized that “my board is about Thailand. It isn’t about you and your interesting life.”

Continuing with praise for his BFF, Jabba added: “I don’t think anyone, including me, can deny he does generate interest. There are plenty of real characters around here, but LMTU holds a place of his own. There is only one LMTU.” And then he thanked God for LMTU’s brief time amongst us.

LMTU, who touched so many lives while bringing enjoyment to so few, started his posting career on SGT where he quickly became a board favorite known for his eloquent writing style and for posts brimming with useful information. On SGT, he quickly demonstrated that his mine was so fine that no idea could penetrate it. And though other posters often took great exception to LMTU’s utterances, he did not allow their negativity and flaming to slow him down, showing that he didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’. But then, he didn’t know the meaning of most words.

It wasn’t long before the rest of the cyber world took notice and fans began copying and pasting LMTU’s posts, often week, months, and sometimes years before LMTU actually posted his. Realizing that his posts put other member’s attempts to shame, he abandoned SGT as he did board after board after board until finding his home and the perfect site for his talents at Jabba’s corner of the internet where everyone is entitled to be ignorant and most abuse the privilege.

LMTU’s legion of friends and fans chimed in to his eulogy thread adding their own testimony to the man’s superior intellect. Wallace the Wallet made a brief statement, saving his breath as he needed it to blow up his date for the night, comparing LMTU to the beloved Walter Mitty character. And Smiles, a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about, referred to him as “The Legend LMTU”. Smiles’ most recent posts are a homage to LMTU’s fascinating writing style, becoming more and more LMTU-esque with each posting.

Trongpai, the kind of person who can say absolutely nothing – and mean it, was so taken with LMTU’s persona, he rued the fact that he had passed on before someone told him how to start his own blog, stating that ‘it would be an win-win” for LMTU and his fans. Trongpai also felt the on-line eulogy wasn’t enough of an honor suggesting a foam party be held in Bangkok in LMTU’s honor complete with an open bar and some finger food as a fitting tribute since LMTU so often received a one finger salute from his many fans. (Jabba, btw, plagiarized Trongpai’s blog idea, then used a classic LMTU move stating that he and TP had the same idea at the same time, proving that yes, great minds do stink alike.)

Geezer, to whom someone once passed on the bad advice that he should always be himself, showed his love for the man by paying tribute to LMTU’s unchallenged veracity, recounting many of his favorite posts, noting LMTU’s tale of his adventures with a comely army boy he met in Saranrom Park was “a riveting series of posts.” And Rocket, choked with emotion and unable to post a coherent thought added “what an inspiration LMTU” has been to him.

Jaafar, temporarily abandoning the board everyone else abandoned years ago, took a more direct approach to immoralizing LMTU saying of his posts that they were “. . . a perfect example of what people . . . want to read on this message board.”

Thaiworthy, who evidently recently got laid which greatly improved his normally dour demeanor, compared LMTU to William Shakespeare, and in one of the more eloquent statements said, “I don’t think anyone can deny LMTU’s posts don’t include farce, slapstick and mistaken identities, puns and bad word play. They are the elements that make him unique. He is a colorful character and pulling on the reins will not change him. Whoever else he is, he is still LMTU. Let the man dance and play and restrict him here as you see fit, but don’t scratch your heads wondering why he is so popular. If the reason isn’t obvious, it never will be.”

And Oxfordman, who knows little and suspects less, added, “. . . LMTU, . . . intriguing to say the least, . . . appears . . .respectable and liked by the gay community . . . he is the greatest.”

Jabba closed out the tribute thread by donating a special spot on his board for all future posts about LMTU, a permanent place for his fans and friends to continue their love-fest. Meanwhile, over at SGT, a similar LMTU thread received nowhere near the amount of attention it should have as the forum’s pecksniffian posters were busy trying to dictate how that board will conduct itself under its new ownership. The new owner, Da Boss, has made himself known and the overwhelming response and best wishes from the membership there have surely sent him off to read the fine print on Elephantspike’s refund and return policy.

And so, knowing tradition dictates special awards be named after a well-known and universally disrespected personality I give you the Jabba The Butt Lifetime Aggrievement Turtle Ass Award, and it’s first recipient LMTU. Fortunately LMTU’s posting career occurred in a Buddhist country where the belief in reincarnation is strong. I’m sure we will see LMTU, or one of his numerous personalities, posting again soon, offering walking, talking, stumbling, and posting proof that you don’t have to be sentient to survive.