With the Turtle Ass Awards counting for less than 8% of the posts on this blog, but responsible for driving 83% of the traffic to these pages over the last few weeks, it appears to be a popular category. Mmmm, gay guys appreciating bitchy comments. Who’da thunk.
It’s way past time for a naming a new Turtle Ass Award recipient, but I’ve been busy goading the lunatics in the hall over at Baht Stop into posting numerous links to my blog, making me feel like a successful version of the 456. But without the projectile vomiting.
We Want. Your. Visitors.
Showing their willingness to sacrifice their young, the BS parade of bumblers successfully followed a trail of bread crumbs the size of elephant dung that Ray Charles could have navigated with his arms tied behind his back, hit the intended mark, and then immediately veered off like a glob of lougey ricocheting off the rubber walls of their room back into the safe arms of lala land, getting lost once again in the shady world of hydra posters. It was kinda like watching a group of epileptics breakdance:
And now the Baht Stop Dance Troupe will perform Shake Your Groove Thang!
Guys, and I use that term loosely, your efforts drove a groundswell of new visitors to my pages greatly improving my blog’s Google rankings. Thank you. Please keep up the good work. I do owe a bit of an apology to the gene pool over at BS, though. I was surprised to find some rational posters amongst the crazies. My condolences. To both of you.
So, time to present the Inaugural Turtle Ass Award for Individual Achievement In Forum Posting, and winnowing the potential award winner list has been a difficult chore. Of course I immediately thought of Let Me Tell You for so breathlessly mangling the English language. But to be fair, his enthusiasm at times is contagious. And at times I’m sure other parts of his body are too. Reading a LMTU post is like navigating a hedge maze blindfolded while wading through an ocean of quicksand. But other than the occasional headache from trying to decipher his dibble, LMTU is really quite harmless. Annoying, filled with delusions of adequacy, but ultimately harmless. And certainly isn’t worthy of an award that could easily prompt a “You like me! You really Like me!” moment. So no dice.
I considered that clunky bag of boners know as Smiles as a Turtle Ass Award recipient. But he’s kind of a harmless doddering old cunt. And it’s rude to speak ill of the dead. Besides, his He-Was-Not-A-Bar-Boy boyfriend, Suphot, has a nice ass. An incredibly nice ass. In any case, we all know that some day soon Smiles will be loading live ammo into that gun on his avatar and finally giving us all something to Smiles about. So Smiles is out of the running. For now.
I thought maybe that prissy little ball of blubbering rancor, Thaiworthy, would make a good candidate. Not that little has ever been used as an adjective for TW before. But TwoTonWorthy is easy to offend and I know if I sugar coated my comments for him, he’d probably try to eat those too. TwoTon: quit cramming food into your mouth when you type, you know you can’t chew and concentrate at the same time. Bitch slap worthy, but no award.
I finally decided the award should go to someone who proves that while cliches by definition are over used, they still hold some validity. In this case: Children Should be Seen and Not Heard. The first Turtle Ass Award for Outstanding Achievement For An Individual Poster Of Absolutely No Note* goes to Beachlover. And that’s not being mean. Beachy just sprouted major wood seeing his name appear on his computer screen.
Bitchlover brought my blog to the attention of the readers over at SGT. But after an hour of getting a big zero in response to his original post, he took the contrary view and responded to himself. The boy does like to hear himself type. It’s okay that you changed your mind Bitchy, just wondering what you did with the diaper. I keep expecting to run across a three page thread with Bitchy being the sole poster throughout.
Bitchlover jumped into the foray of fools posturing that they knew who I was without bothering to look first, stating he was 70% sure of his guess. Which only goes to show you that 30% of his brain is responsible for 100% of his intellect. Sad to see in someone so young. There are some major drool-down-the-chin moments in store for you in your golden years Bitchy.
BTW, Bitchy? You actually did a search on your name on a blog less than a month old to see if you’d been mentioned yet? I bet you routinely Google your real name for proof of your existence too.
In fear of being the Jeopardy answer without a question, Bitchy posts with a regularity that would make the folks at Ex-Lax jealous. Unfortunately most of his drivel could put No-Doz to sleep. Thanks to holding the record for the most posts on every forum that’s ever crossed his computer screen, presenting this award to anyone else just doesn’t seem right.
But Bitchy’s avenue for posturing is quickly dwindling. Having been already kicked off two boards, an amazing accomplishment in itself, the I Am Feeble Hear Me Roar gang over at Baht Stop is currently running a poll on his removal from their ward. Not a new act for the Baht Stop tribe, they relish voting their friends, family, and cellmates off their island.
Fuck, BS, now you went and made me make you the Kanye West to Beachlover’s Taylor Swift, stealing all the thunder on his night of glory. Sorry Bitchy.
Beachlover: You suck. I know, not inspired, but there’s your name in bright lights once again. So the most recent Turtle Ass Award goes to you. I’m sure you’ve already tweeted your acceptance speech. And did so again in the time it took me to type that. Now that you’ve reached the pinnacle of your forum posting career, do us all a favor and retire.
Oh, and, Boo Boo? Nah . . . kidding! Psyche!
* I know, long award title, but if I left any bandwidth, Bitchy would fill it up with more senseless posts.