It’s not how the red suit goes on but how the red suit comes off.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me . . .
Well, of course Ebola is on everyone’s Xmas list this year, but if you too want to avoid ever having to spend the holidays with your dysfunctional family again, let’s not forget all the other holiday traditions that could mean it’s your last. According to those who concern themselves with such things, or just take a less than stellar view of what makes their holidays merry, more than 80,000 people get the unwanted present of a trip to hospital during the 12 days of Christmas. And that includes 6,000 on Christmas Day itself. Probably not the ho, ho ,ho they were hoping for. So here’s a few things in addition to fruitcake that you should watch out for to insure your silent night isn’t a permanent one.
Holly.
Huh. I always thought it was “deck the halls with balls of holly”. Guess even as a child learning Xmas carols my future was preordained. And if you want any future at all, keep holly away in the manger this holiday season. Its leaves, bark, seeds, and especially its berries contain the deadly poison theobromine. Sure it is one of the many symbols of Christmas and comes in pretty (if prickly) green and red colors too, but according to biomedical sciences consultant Anne Marie Helmenstine, Ph.D., eating as few as 20 of its berries can kill you. On the other hand, if someone you detest invites you to their Xmas party your homemade holly fruitcake recipe might just be what the doctor ordered.
Mistletoe.
If you can’t find any holly for your hated ones holiday dinner table, mistletoe will do the trick too. It just acts slower. Which, I guess, could be a good thing if you prefer the painful death of others to be drawn out. Serves the bastard right for dumping you, huh? So while kissing under the mistletoe is good, kissing the plant itself ain’t. Ingested, it can cause blurred vision, nausea, stomach pains, vomiting, sudden weakness, and last but hardly least, death.
Pssst. Want some mistletoe little boy?
Mistletoe II.
Speaking of the kiss of death, there’s a danger associated with trading saliva under the mistletoe too. And not just that you may be forced to kiss someone you’d rather not. Like your 80-year-old aunt who slips you tongue every year. Thanks to all of that letting it snow, baby it’s cold outside during the holidays. And that means cold, flu, and other nasty little bugs being passed from one loved one to another. Treat mistletoe as you do sex. Safety first and if your intended refuses to wear protection, find someone else to smooch.
Air Travel.
I’d quote you the odds of reaching your final destination from flying, but the real danger is not the plane but all those strangers you are flying with, many of whom are sick and more than willing to share whatever they got. There are no regulations about disinfecting seat-back trays between flights on planes. Or restrooms. Which means both are some of the most germ-laden places above the earth. So if you need a good excuse for why you can’t fly home to be with your biological family this holiday . . .
Santa Claus.
The reason Santa’s belly jiggles like a bowlful of jelly is that he’s about to throw up. A survey of members of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (AORBS) – an organization you probably didn’t know existed but which proves there are some things worse than death – has found that Santa is sneezed or coughed on up to 10 times a day. So little Johnny gets to sit on Santa’s lap, but as well as his present he gets H1N1 influenza. Which, since we’re talking about ill and dying children ain’t no big thing. But when Santa gets infected he passes those germs on to everyone else in his NAMBLA chapter, and sooner or latter one of those sickos is gonna show up at your favorite gay bar ‘cuz they like to hide there. Obviously, the answer here is to avoid Santa. Or nuke the hell out of Sunee Plaza.
Thinking of giving a necktie as a gift this Christmas? Think again. According to Tae-sub Chung, M.D., of South Korea’s Gangnam Severance Hospital, if you wear a necktie, “you’ll have less blood flow in the jugular vein, as well as in the carotid artery.” This can lead to glaucoma and eventual blindness, and increased odds of contracting arteriosclerosis. “In severe cases, you could have a stroke,” he warns. Huh. Maybe a tie is the perfect Christmas gift after all.
Eating.
Did you know most people gain an average of 6 pounds in the nine days between Christmas Eve and New Year’s? Not that it matters. ‘Cuz most also eat their daily recommended calorie intake by 2pm on Christmas Day. And many consume 7,000 calories by the end of the day. Who knew McDonalds was open on Xmas? Pigging out for the holidays can increase your blood pressure, and the added stress can combine to make the perfect storm for a heart attack; the number of heart-related deaths increases by 5 percent over the holidays. And that’s not even counting those who get surprised when the trick they met on Grindr shows up looking nothing like his photo.
Heart Attacks II.
Many hospitals report December 26th as the busiest day of the year. That’s because so many people don’t want to ruin the festivities on Xmas by asking someone to dial 911 and rush them to Emergency. So when they first start feeling unwell, they wait a day to see a doctor. Only to discover Santa brought them a heart attack for Christmas. And the results of delaying treatment when you’ve had a heart attack is enough to give you a heart attack.
Eating II.
It takes a lot of concentration to pack away 7,000 calories in one day, but death can become you even quicker if someone cracks a joke while you are doing so. As funny as it is when your joke makes wine run out of a dining companion’s nose, laughing while ingesting food is a choking hazard. So keep the levity away from your Christmas dinner table. But don’t get too serious. ‘Cuz crying while eating has the same effect.
While you are having a nice time playing naughty this holiday season, remember to play safe. That means agreeing on a safe word first, knowing where the handcuff keys are kept, and insisting all toys are properly disinfected between uses. ‘Cuz no one wants the gift of one of your STDs for Christmas you ‘ho, ‘ho, ‘ho.
And just when you thought it was safe to go into the water again, these are the most often recorded reasons people show up at the hospital instead of at Grandma’s house during the holidays:
Parents stabbing themselves with scissors they have grabbed instead of screwdrivers to assemble toys;
People cutting themselves with knives which they are using to open presents too quickly;
Children falling off rocking horses or smashing new bikes into walls;
Tripping over toys and trailing cables in the rush to try out new computers and other appliances;
Gravy exploding in microwave ovens, hot fat spilled on the cook as they try to grapple with a big turkey and nasty cuts when chopping piles of vegetables;
Tipsy party guests toppling down stairs or crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table.
“… And many consume 7,000 calories by the end of the day.”
But if everyone read Bangkokbois Blog they might not suffer such fate! Ever since Issue #1, this e-publication has offered literally thousands of hot meals, on a daily basis, to the readers, that have zero or very few calories, that can satisfy one’s pallet, and probably taste delicious. “Thailand’s Test Kitchen,” as it is! And we can be sure that these are meals that will never be offered by the likes of Martha Stewart, Rachael Ray or Emeril Lagasse!
Thanks Robert!
Now I can add a chef’s hat to my collection.
I’ll see what Dave and I can cook up with that one and get back to ya.
🙂