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Guess what Santa has in his sack for you.

Guess what Santa has in his sack for you.

Remember back on the first gay of Christmas when I told ya there are worse things than a fruitcake to grace your holiday table? No? Well, remember that hot naked Asian guy’s photo I posted on the first gay of Christmas? Yeah, well, there was some text on the page too, some of which sounded that warning. Now you’d think since I already covered just how stupid and disgusting the traditional tie-in of nuts at the holidays is, I’d have already addressed this subject. But at least with nuts there’s still a few good holiday puns to be made. Months old fermented birds, not so much. But that’s what the folks in Greenland’s version of kim chee is. And it’s their way of saying Merry Christmas.

Ya don’t wanna know what they do to wish you a Happy New Year.

Like durian, kiviak is usually eaten outside to prevent smelling up the home for weeks. And like crawfish many sing the praises of biting off the birds’ heads and then sucking out the juices inside. And like you, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Which one has to assume is much like what kiviak tastes like. ‘Cuz it’s not just ripe, raw, fermented birds. It’s uncooked seal carcass juices too. Which I believe is also one of the ingredients used in making fruitcake. So the ho, ho, ho is on you.

While kiviak has not yet shown up in a basket on Chopped, the recipe for the traditional dish is pretty cut and dried. You start with about 500 auks ( a small local bird) and sew them inside of the hollowed-out body cavity of a seal – beaks, feathers, feet and all. Then seal the carcass with seal grease to prevent spoilage (wink, wink). And finally cover the dead bag of raw meat with a large rock for anywhere from 3 to 18 months (7 being the lucky number). Note that one of those two ingredients is auk and not eider, which some novice cooks attempted to use back in 2013 instead; the eider didn’t ferment as well and several people died from botulism poisoning. Although they probably were luckier than those who got served seconds.

I couldn't find the right naked Santa photo for this post but thought Psy done up for the holidays might just be repulsive enough to do the trick.

I couldn’t find the right naked Santa photo for this post but thought Psy done up for the holidays might just be repulsive enough to do the trick.

While the kiviak stews buried under rocks, the seal’s fat acts as a tenderizer and preservative, which eventually allows the birds to be eaten raw, including the bones. In fact, everything but the feathers are consumed. Although pungent, not to mention repulsive, reportedly kiviak tastes like Stilton cheese. And smells like someone cut the cheese. While a traditional Christmas treat, kiviak isn’t just for the holidays. It’s also served to celebrate weddings and birthdays too. ‘Cuz you can never get enough fermented bird in seal juices. And now ya know what to take to that holiday potluck dinner at your favorite lesbians’ house this year.