There are a lot of Christmas tales, stories, and traditions out there. But really not enough when you are into your fourth year of sharing twelve holiday tales each holiday season. I think next year I’ll be covering Hanukkah. ‘Cuz some of those Jewish boys are hot too. Which, as a segue into today’s tale isn’t all that great ‘cuz there’s nothing kosher about the Christmas pickle. And while it doesn’t quite have the draw that Spain’s pooping log does, the origin of the pickle’s tie-in to the time of that jolly old elf is nonetheless just as cloudy and unknown as are why sugar plums ever got associated with the holidays. That most try to blame the Germans is just icing on the cake.

The tradition of the Christmas pickle is easy enough. And equally as stupid. Late on Xmas night some unlucky member of the household hangs an ornament shaped liked a pickle on the tree, preferably in a well-hidden spot. Hidden works best both because otherwise people will know you hang a pickle ornament on your tree and because otherwise it clashes with and is easily mistaken for your gay uncle’s dildo ornament.

Early Christmas morning the family plays find the pickle (your gay uncle played a similar game the night before). The child who finds the pickle (the one on the tree, not the one your gay uncle keeps whispering to him about) gets a special gift from Santa. And the adult who does the same gets a year of good fortune. Even if he or she would rather have a present from Santa. I told ya it wasn’t as cool as the pooping log.

The Germans got blamed because Germany used to produce hand blown glass ornaments, some in the shape of veggies. And as every good lesbian knows, pickles come from cucumbers which makes them a veggie too. Supposedly, this tradition was introduced to America when Woolworth’s began importing those ornaments in the 1890s. But the dates don’t add up and those in the know have let the Germans off the hook on this one. It’s not like we don’t already have enough to blame on the Germans anyway. Not that they are completely off the hook. ‘Cuz no one has ever held them accountable for sauerkraut. It was a Bavarian born dude who evidently was really the source for this tradition anyway. And like all good Xmas tales, it’s about hunger and death.

For this Christmas tale we harken back to 1864 and the American Civil War, aka The War Between The States, aka The War Of Northern Aggression. Or as FOX News calls it, The Good Old Days. Private John C. Lower, aka Hans Lauer, enlisted in Pennsylvania’s 103rd Infantry, which, as an infantry kinda sucked. Unless you were big on losing. And being captured by the Rebels. Which our German-born hero – who we will from here on in call HansPFC – was, and summarily sent to a prison camp in Andersonville, Georgia in April of that year.

HansPFC suffered through his time as a prisoner of war ‘cuz you know how dreadful summers in the south can be. But winters are no better, and come Christmastime HansPFC was finished, over, done, kaput. Knowing that he was in a real pickle and that his days were numbered to the single digits, on Christmas Eve he begged a prison guard to give him a pickle. At least that’s how the story goes. Not that asking for a pickled cucumber as your last meal makes a lot of sense. Personally, I think what happened was the guard told HansPFC that if he let him play hide the pickle he’d give him some food. But then as Christmas traditions go that probably wouldn’t be too popular of one. Except among shopping mall Santas.

So HansPFC got his pickle in one form or another, and it saved his life. I know. But a lot of people believe in the Christmas tale of immaculate conception too. When HansPFC was eventually freed and returned to the bosom of his family, he started the tradition of hiding a pickle on the family’s tree every year in honor of that guard and the good times they had together.

I don’t actually know anyone whose family follows this tradition. And the Germans deny they had anything to do with it. Like they do with most things they are blamed for. But the country does still export a lot of glass pickle ornaments. Wink. Wink. And if I can find some green dildos in time, I’m giving them to my lesbians friends for the holidays so that they can start a new holiday tradition of their own.