The MRT in Bangkok just announced it is offering free service to passengers 60 years of age and older during this year’s Songkran festivities (April 13-15), as usual, and the BTS will soon undoubtedly announce the same. Some consider this type of promotion an example of the way Asians honor the elderly. I think it’s just a ruse to get the grumpy old farts out where they make for easier targets for dousing. But it is that time of the year, and while the masses get ready for the world’s largest water fight the old farts are preparing their annual list of all the reasons why they hate Songkran.
When your idea of a good party is a wake, the Thai version of a new year’s celebration is probably not for you. So plan accordingly. And that means realizing whether or not you qualify as an old fart. Yet. So here is a list to help you out, AKA: You Know You’re An Old Fart When . . .
Your Thai boyfriend’s nickname for you is Finit.
You refer to the 43-year-old doorman at your hotel as a boy.
Your aversion to eating grasshoppers is not that they’re gross but that their legs get stuck in your dentures.
You think you offed your boy du jour once before only to discover that was his father.
You realize that’s not your boy du jour touching your ass, it’s the carpet.
You know the plus in Songkran is that no one will notice you are incontinent.
The barkers at Dreamboys automatically help you up the stairs.
You refer to Viagra as your memory pills.
You complain the gogo bars aren’t open at 4pm.
You avoid the hassle of visiting Soi Twilight by picking your boy du jour from those having breakfast with their customer at your hotel.
Your biggest complaint about Thailand is that the Bangkok Post doesn’t print obituaries.
You don’t think of Rama VIII as a bridge but as a person.
You’re glad your Thai boyfriend only wants you for your money.
You get arrested on lese majeste charges for referring to the king as your contemporary.
You don’t think of Dick’s Cafe as a restaurant but rather as a handy place for a short, much needed rest.
You know where the elevators are located at every BTS station.
The little octogenarian lady selling tom yum soup on the street offers you a senior’s discount.
You know the Thai word for Depends.
You don’t need to know the Thai word for toilet thanks to your Depends.
Your arteries get harder than your dick does.
The abbot at your local wat wais to you.
You book your airline seat in business class ‘cuz the exit door is too far away from coach.
You don’t feel bad when you hear about the latest flying farang because you realize accidents do happen.
You avoid the Balcony Bar because accidents do happen.
You realize the gogo bar you’re headed to closed down twenty years ago.
Pattaya suddenly starts to make sense.
You define a happy ending as a nap.
The mamasan asks you if you want a drink of water instead of asking if you want a boy.
Tuk tuk drivers just smile at you as you walk by.
The money you used to send to your Thai boyfriend you now send to PBS.
You worry about getting your Motorola Razor wet during Songkran.
Bar boys don’t ask, “How long you stay Bangkok?” ‘cuz they know it may be shorter than you think.
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