Christian recently posted another one of his informative trip reports on the boards, this time about the Ancient City outside of Bangkok. Which elicited a “How do you find these places?!” out of Jabba as though one of the country’s well-known tourist attractions was a hidden gem few knew about. But then I guess when your life revolves around the boy bars of Sunee Plaza, and the boy hustlers on Pattaya’s beaches, even the Grand Palace is off you radar. It’s enough to make you shake your head in wonder, but to pay Jabba proper homage you’d have to stick a bone in your mouth and make sure your jowls flapped in the breeze while drooling down the front of your XXXXL cheap polyester shirt. The one with the missing buttons. But I digress . . .

I enjoy Christian’s trip reports. He often hits some place that has been on my to-do list for years, and his photos help me make up my mind on whether I really want to visit the place or not. That type of trip report is one of the primary reasons I started visiting the forums in the first place. They used to be a regular feature on SGT; there was always someone who took the time to cover the places they’d been and the things they’d seen. Other than the latest barely legal looking boy at one of the interchangeable bars of Pattaya.

I still immediately click over to read the post when I see Trip Report in a thread’s headline. You’d think I would have learned by now. If Christian didn’t post it, it is only going to be a round-up of someone’s nights in pursuit of an orgasm. I’m surprised we have not yet had a member post about the nights he stayed in his hotel and masturbated. If nothing else that would be interesting to see how the poster manages to find someone else to blame for his less than happy ending.

It’s not just trip reports that disappoint. One of the regulars on Gay Thailand – one whom I get a feeling when he uses the word ‘boys’ he really means boys – resurrected one of his own old threads recently: 10 Lessons Learned by a Traveler to Gay Thailand. Sounded like it could be an informative topic, and with three pages of replies possibly chock full of valuable observations too. Even the post from Fountainhall. I’ll save you the trouble of heading over to Gay Thailand to read the post. Here’s what he had to say:

“I had a guy over tonight and his dick had to be at least 10 full inches. It was quite lovely. Not at all what I expected. The guys that have nice cocks must hear they can make money and come to Pattaya! Thank goodness!”

It wasn’t worth going back and discovering what the other nine things he learned were. Though I’d hope at least one of his discoveries was the Grand Palace. If not, maybe Jabba will discover it first and let him know.

Even though I have zero interest in Pattaya’s boy bars, reports that cover visits to them where the poster talks about the size of the staff (in numbers not in appendage size), drink and off costs, and even changes in staffing I can understand. Any news to those who have visited before and have happy memories of the place is welcomed. It provides that little touch of Thailand so many of us crave when we are not there. Whether the bar is in Pattaya, Bangkok, or elsewhere, when the report is well-written and describes the place, the type of bar boys you’ll find there, and the show if they have one it provides good info for those planning their first trip to the LOS. “Stopped by Happy Place and offed an absolute stunner last night who rode me ‘til the buffaloes came home,” on the other hand doesn’t even make for a memorable accounting of your night out for the original poster.

But how much I drank, and how good/bad/big/small/worthless the guy was that I offed is what trip reports are all about these days. It would be easier for all concerned if each board just picked one post and then when members felt the need to report on their trip they could just pull that thread back up and note: ditto. The boy you did last night is probably the same one the original poster did anyway. Instead those that write them devote much effort to listing all of the bars they visited, which nights they made their visit, which they offed a guy from and which they did not, and then whether the guy they offed was good, bad, or indifferent. If their efforts were the example, history would never have been a required subject in school.

Knowing how much time these punters devote to both their pursuit of an acceptable orgasm and the reporting thereof, I thought I would help out and provide a standardized Trip Report that could be easily modified for each visitor’s personal experience. No need to try to remember all the little details, just fill in the blanks of the following and you are good to post:

My Trip Report

Just got back from [Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Phuket, Pattaya (circle all applicable destinations)] and boy are my balls tired.

On my first night in town I dropped in to [Name of Bar] and [found/did not find (circle one)] a boy that I liked. There were [too many/not enough (circle one)] [fem guys/ straight guys/ ladyboys (circle one)].

(IF YOU OFFED A BOY, PLEASE COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING. IF YOU DID NOT OFF A BOY, NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN READING YOUR REPORT.)

We went back to my hotel, [Name of hotel] and enjoyed a [short-time/long-time (circle one)] which was [good/bad/boring/a disaster (circle one)]. He had a [big dick/small dick/no dick (circle one)], and I tipped him [500 baht/800 baht/1,000 baht/1,500 baht/2,000 baht (circle one)]. I [will/will not (circle one)] off him again because [he sucked/he wouldn’t suck/he played with his cell phone the entire time/ I have fallen in love (circle one)]. And then I [passed out/fell asleep/stayed up all night cruising Gay Romeo (circle one)]. It was [the best night ever/the way I spend every night in Thailand/a complete waste of my time (circle one)]. And the music at the bar was too loud, some cretin was smoking, the drink prices were a rip-off, the mamasan was pushy, and [_________________ (fill in the blank with any non-standard bitch you had about the place)].

PLEASE COPY AND PASTE THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH FOR EACH NIGHT OF YOUR TRIP.

Scottish-Guy, NIrish Guy, and Joe 552 will now each post a witty remark that no one else finds in the least bit humorous; A447 will go on the attack if Latintopxxx, Sooty, or any other poster he has a problem with dares to post a reply; Pong will chime in with possibly helpful but completely indecipherable information; and then the thread will dissolve into a bitchfest over the cost of drinks, cost of boys, and greedy bar owners who dare to think they have a right to make a profit.

Thanks for posting your trip report.

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