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13 Friday Mar 2015
Posted Aloha Friday
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12 Thursday Mar 2015
Posted Bangkok
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Knowing how much y’all been missing Boo Hoo’s far-too-frequent floral posts, in which he’d usually provide the incorrect scientific name for the flower he was writing about, I thought I’d offer you a horticulture-related one of my own today. Okay, so I’m short on time today and this one was an easy out. But at least I didn’t try to slide by with posting a close-up of a flower with a vaguely penis-looking stamen like Georgia O’Keeffe woulda done with vagina for the lesbian crowd.
For those of you to whom nature means changing your Summer Breezes Glade plug-in room freshener, these are snail shells planted with ferns or orchids. The orchids make more sense ‘cuz they tend to be epiphytes, with modified aerial roots, whereas the ferns’ root balls will soon out-grow the size of their shells. Unless ya wanna play hermit crab with your fern. Regardless, the vendor who came up with these puppies is a genius.
Free is a magical word to Thais. No matter what that costs them. And when free translates into cold, hard, baht, ya know the Buddha loves you. In this case this Weekend Market vendor grew a few seedlings or cuttings in shells from dead snails at zero cost, and a month or two later peddled them for 300 baht a pop. Sweet, huh? And I kinda like the karma of a snail spending its life devouring vegetation being used to grow new plants once it had died.
Now I could rest on my florals and consider this post done, but emulating Boo Hoo is not exactly the path to success. So lesbian loving artists aside, I’ll leave you with the Orchis italica, also known as the Fairy Trap Orchid (but not for the reason you’re thinking). ‘Cuz while few of you will now be scouring the flower section of Chatuchak for plants growing in snail shells, the majority of you just clicked over to Google to find out where you could pick up a few little naked lavender men.
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12 Thursday Mar 2015
Posted Photo Of The Week
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12 Thursday Mar 2015
Posted Take It Off Thursday
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11 Wednesday Mar 2015
Posted Smells Like Science
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Old hands and sexpats love nothing more than bitching about the high drinks cost at gogo bars on Soi Twilight. Okay, old hands and sexpats love to bitch period. But a perennial favorite is whining about how much that first drink at a Bangkok gogo bar costs. It’s around ten bucks these days. Which does sound pricey. Until you remember you are not just paying for a drink, you are paying for the treat of watching a bunch of naked dudes cavorting around the stage. Which the old hands and sexpats never seem capable of remembering. Or they wouldn’t whine so much. ‘Cuz getting to watch a bunch of naked guys do those things naked guys tend to do is priceless.
While none of those whiners actually knows what it cost to run a bar that offers hot and cold running boys in Bangkok, they will gladly tell you the exorbitant prices charged for drinks are because bar owners are greedy and care more about profits than they do about their customers. And predicting the downfall of those bars because of that greed is almost as enjoyable as bitching about how much they’re charging. Dreamboys – who tends to lead the price increase in each round – is often cited as an example of owner greed. Yet that bar has been going strong for years, with no sign its popularity is waning. Huh. So are gogo bar owners greedy bastards who deserve the bankruptcy surely headed their way? Or are they just astute businessmen who know what their product is worth?
Yup. Smells like science to me.
It turns out portraying gogo bar owners are uncaring capitalistic pigs is a disservice to the industry. ‘Cuz science says, just like the boys in their stables, bar owners’ real concern is about taking care of you. And considering what they have to work with, that ain’t no easy job. Finding boys to willingly strut their stuff on stage isn’t difficult. Enticing sex tourists into their establishment to drool over those boys isn’t much of a task either. But convincing the boys to spend a night going one-on-one with an ancient, gelatinously obese, smelly, myopic, bald, farang whose cynicism, anger and disillusionment are palpable can be a Herculean task. Unless you get them drunk first. And I don’t mean the boys.
No problemo. Researchers at the University of Bristol have just discovered what Bangkok’s gogo bar owners already knew to be true. Your attractiveness increases greatly after you’ve had a shot of your favorite liquor. In the study, published in the journal Alcohol and Alcoholism – which wouldn’t be a bad new catch phrase for Pattaya – 40 participants were photographed three times — sober, after one glass of wine, and after two glasses of wine. Then their photos were shown to a new group of people who were asked to rate their attractiveness in side-by-side comparisons. They were either shown a participant’s sober photo nest to his one-drink shot, or his sober photo against the two-drink shot.
Invariably, participants selected the photos of those who had downed a drink as being the most attractive the majority of the time. The researchers are not sure why, but suggest it could be due to pupil dilation – which is a positive trait to viewers – or muscle relation, or rosier cheeks. In any case the results are the same. “It suggests that people are rated as more attractive once they’ve consumed a small amount of alcohol,” said the study’s senior researcher, Marcus Munafò, a professor of biological psychology. “What it means is that alcohol is sort of hijacking that mechanism, or promoting the aspects of facial features that we regard as attractive for other reasons,” he says.
The conclusion of the study was that in addition to perceiving others as more attractive, a mildly intoxicated alcohol consumer may also be perceived as more attractive by others. Which in turn may play a role in the relationship between alcohol consumption and risky sexual behavior. “You consume a drink, so you see other people as more attractive,” Munafò said. “But you also become more attractive yourself because you’ve consumed a drink.” And that’s a win-win in anyone’s book.
That’s the good news. The bad news is that there is a limit to how attractive booze can make you. A quick glance in the mirror should clue you into that fact. ‘Cuz while study participants found a single shot upped the attractiveness level of drinkers, drink #2 made that rating head south. After two drinks, participants found their sober photos more attractive than the high-alcohol head shots. And that’s a sobering bit of news.
The researchers did not test the attractiveness of subjects who had drank more than two shots. ‘Cuz even scientists wouldn’t attempt to float the hypothesis that anyone finds a falling-down drunk attractive. Even one with a fat wallet. Or at last call.
So despite all those nasty things you’ve been saying about Bangkok’s gogo bar owners, the truth is they know their business, they know their boys, and they care about you. Demanding that you buy a drink – which is considered a cover charge everywhere else in the world – is ‘cuz they know it will help you appear just a bit more attractive to the boys. And by pricing their drinks high, they discourage you from drinking the amount that will allow the boys to remember just how disgusting you really are. That those prices add to their bottom line is just a happy coincidence. Because what they really care about is your happy ending.
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11 Wednesday Mar 2015
Posted Hump Day Is Bump Day
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10 Tuesday Mar 2015
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The gay kinda news website Queerty recently ran an article titled 13 Guaranteed Ways To Fail At Picking Up Someone Up At A Bar From A Castro Bartender. I almost skipped reading it because picking up someone in the Castro really doesn’t require stepping into a bar. When the street is full of gay guys on the prowl, you get hit on even while trying to scrape off the dog shit you just stepped in from your shoe. And when the odor of Eau De Fido isn’t enough to not get you laid, whatever fails some pretentious bar back wants to warn you about really don’t matter. On the other hand, not having to come up with original content is always a plus in my book, so I thought I’d re-purpose those tips with an eye towards modifying them for use in picking up a bar boy in Thailand. Or offing one as some jaded souls call it.
I thought that task may take some heavy editing. Surprisingly it did not. The world is a small place. And the line between getting laid for free and paying for it is a thin one. When it’s your orgasm at stake, convincing some hottie that your bed is the perfect place for him to throw his heels in the air takes about the same amount of effort regardless if he’ll be earning some taxi money or not. And thankfully, guys being guys, it seldom takes much effort in either case.
Nonetheless, many poor souls in the Castro return to an empty bed nightly, and many punters in Bangkok return to their bed with a bar boy they’d rather they hadn’t. Which guy you off is up to you, but having it be the one you really wanted is up to your skills at landing the perfect bar boy. So here are a few tips:
1. The Meat and Greet.
Queerty’s bartender’s first bit of sage advice was to stop using your trusty pickup lines, noting that most fail as conversation starters and instead linger like bad gas. No problemo in picking up a bar boy ‘cuz he probably already thinks you smell a bit off. Pick-up lines, as such, are not necessary in landing the perfect bar boy. Slapping down your wallet bulging with cash on the table top, however, works wonders.
The boys have a traditional pick-up line of their own, however. Their what your name where you stay how long you stay Bangkok greeting gets the job done every time. Using it before they do, if you really feel the need to use a pick-up line, is a great ploy. Those who speak some English will laugh. Those who merely learned that phrase and really have no idea what it means will get a look of pure panic in their eyes. And there’s a good chance which ever of the two responses your potential off displays, it’ll be the same when he accompanies you to your hotel room and you drop your pants.
2. Let Your Demons Rest.
The second bit of advice from Queerty’s bartender is a warning against a liquid diet. By the time you drink enough to get up the nerve to hit on some hottie, you’ll be too drunk to be a success. ‘Cuz no one like a man who looks like he’s ready to hurl in the gutter. As well intended as that advice is, I think he got it wrong. If you are a 10, no matter how drunk you are there are still plenty of guys who will be willing to take you home with them. The warning should be that when you wake up in their bed the next morning you’ll have one mother of a hangover. And you’ll discover you just slept with a 3.
Ditto for the bar boy you pick up when you are too inebriated to remember you hate effeminate twinks. ‘Cuz that’s who you’ll wake up next to the next morning. And it’ll be the one who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps. Plus, when you go to tip him so he’ll leave you’ll discover your wallet is almost empty ‘cuz you ended up buying the bar’s mamasan a bottle. And a new cell phone.
3. Sex By Proxy Is Never Enjoyable.
Queerty’s bartender says that if you want to hit on a guy, don’t send one of your buddies over to break the ice first. What he doesn’t say is what we all know: that bitch will end up taking your intended conquest home with himself if you do. ‘Cuz a gay wingman is always gonna pretend your plane already got shot out of the air if the guy is hot enough.
Playing Go Ask Him If He Likes Me is an even bigger mistake in a Bangkok gogo bar. First, because if he is hot enough just like in a Castro bar your wingman will off the boy first. Second, if he doesn’t the boy will assume he’s gonna be expected to do you both. And third, since most punters fly solo at gogo bars, your wingman for the night will be the bar’s mamasan and the only available boy will be the one who shares his tips with her. Which will be the twink who spent his evening earning tips from being plowed on customers’ laps.
4. Reach Out And Touch Someone.
Our bartender in the know says one of the deadly sins in trying to pick up a trick in a gay bar is to have your eyes glued to your cell phone. Which just shows you how out of touch the dude is. ‘Cuz any gay guy worth is salt has his eyes permanently glued to his cell phone these days ‘cuz otherwise he might miss that hottie Grindr says is just down the block.
Bangkok’s bar boys are addicted to their phones these days too. Even if in their case it’s more about watching straight porn so they can get up for their job’s demands. And they won’t be the least bit put-off if you’re paying attention to your phone rather than to them. In fact, they prefer it. The danger here is not that you’ll fail to connect, but that every boy you show the least bit of interest in will immediately ask for your phone number. Then, whenever they need a few extra hundred baht, they’ll call you to remind you how much they love you.
5. Leave Your Baggage On The Plane.
No one in a bar in the Castro wants to hear about your problems, your failures, your worries, or your entire failed dating history. And bringing up your ex just means the guy you are trying to hit on will never become one. Bar boys don’t want to hear that shit either. No one does. Not even your mother. And the bar boy you want to off certainly doesn’t want to hear about the disastrous off you paid for the night before. Not because that’s gossip. Bar boys love gossip. He doesn’t want to hear your tale of woe ‘cuz he – and every other bar boy on the soi – already heard about it. And you don’t want to remind him of why your performance was so memorable.
6. Love Means Never Having To Say You’re A Cheapskate.
Obviously, our Castro bartended has never been to Pattaya. ‘Cuz his #6 tip is about how hot tipping is. Specifically: “People that visibly tip get more play. It shows they are generous and care enough to pay for service.” Word. You probably think a night with a bar boy is all about sex. To him it’s all about money. So tip generously and tip often. That shows you’re jai dee. And bar boys love customers who have a big heart. ‘Cuz they are the ones good for a few thousand baht later when emailed with the tragic news of the boy’s water buffalo having just died.
7. Gay For Pay Is An Honored Profession In Thailand.
The #7 bartender’s tip is to not ask potential tricks if he is single, and why. Ditto with bar boys in Bangkok. ‘Cuz most have a wife as well as several kids back home. And that’s TMI when your fantasy is about him falling madly in love with you. A similar mistake is asking him if he is gay. He is probably not. But will tell you he is ‘cuz he knows that’s what you want to hear. The problem is that bar boys tend to think gay means bottom. And when your dream was to be ridden hard and put away wet, finding out later you just offed the biggest bottom in Bangkok is never a happy ending.
8. Love The One You’re With.
Queerty’s bartender thinks you should pay attention to the guy you are trying to take home with you and not instead chat with your friends, the bartender, every hot guy who walk past you, and the homeless man you brought into the bar because you though it’d be funny. Bar boys too appreciate it when their customer only has eyes for them. And starting your off off with a pouting bar boy is never fun. That joy should be saved for when he becomes your boyfriend several days later.
9. But Do It Safely.
Not using how much you despise wearing a condom as a pick up line is another suggestion our friendly bartender has for those trying to get laid. ‘Cuz it’s about getting laid, not getting laid to rest. Bangkok bar boys are not appreciative of customers who refuse to wear protection either. In their minds it’s not about whether or not the farang is diseased, but . . . well, in their minds there is no question, they know he is. But they also know the benefit of insisting a customer slips on a rubber is that many will be too drunk to accomplish that tricky feat. And that means a full night’s tip for zero effort. Which is what a bar boy thinks safe sex means in the first place.
10. Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.
The last bit of advice our knowledgeable bartender has worth discussing (there are three other bits of wisdom, but like most queens he tends to repeat himself) is to not use your hook-up as your official coming out party. Because unlike Islamic jihadists, gay men do not think seventy-some virgins constitute paradise. To a gay man, hearing, “This is my first time,” is almost as bad as hearing, “I don’t swallow.”
Bangkok bar boys, however, love virgins. Especially virgins to Bangkok. That not only means you don’t know that 5,000 baht is not a normal short-time tip, but that you’ll come quickly so they can go even more quickly. With the 1,000 baht taxi money that customers traditionally give their bar boy.
Costs aside, however, a gogo bar in Bangkok is the perfect place to lose your gay virginity. Bar boys will not hold your lack of experience against you. ‘Cuz they really aren’t all that interested in your orgasm in the first place. And bar boys are discrete too. They won’t tell all of your friends about the disgusting things you wanted to do with them. They will tell all the other boys on the soi, but then they were all laughing at you already. So no foul. And getting your gay on in Bangkok means no one back home will ever know. ‘Cuz what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok. Which helps explains why there are so many ladyboy bars in the breeder sex tourist nirvana of Nana Plaza.
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10 Tuesday Mar 2015
Posted Twinky Tuesday
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