The most difficult holiday gift to come up with is the one for that person in your life who you really wish wasn’t. You know, the person who somehow managed to creep his way into your daily consciousness uninvited; a constant source of irritation, a pest whose presence is not unlike a bad rash – or anal warts – always there, always chaffing, totally annoying; a human hemorrhoid that bleeds out your very soul.

It’s difficult for me to give gift advice for your specific pain in the ass, but I do have suggestions for the one that so many of us share. For awhile it looked like the gods were with us and life was good. But then I logged onto SGT and damn if it ain’t flooding again – and the reason the anal wart reference popped into my mind – Beachball finally got off restriction and is posting yet again. And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again . . .

Coming up with suitable holiday gift ideas for Beachflooder is not a hard chore. The boy is so needy the difficult task is winnowing the list down to a manageable number. I thought I’d limit it to the traditional ten, but then realized even if everybody only chipped in a few baht, considering how many people’s lives he’s infected, ten would not be nearly enough. So here are:

The Top Twenty Holiday Gifts For Beachlover

1. A personality make-over;

2. A personality so he can have it made over;

3. An opinion of his own;

4. A level of maturity greater than that of a petulant child;

5. An existence beyond the internet;

6. Someone to laugh with [give it a minute, it’ll come to you];

7. Relevancy;

8. The ability to empathize with others (which will go a long way in helping him to quit wetting his bed);

9. An acknowledgment for being the only person on Facebook whose friend count is expressed in negative numbers;

10. A sense of irony [Sorry, I know. You think he’s in more need of a sense of humor. But when he posts about someone else not being self-aware, lacking class, not having integrity, making up stories about his time in Thailand, etc., etc., etc, I laugh so hard I pee myself. So give me this one, okay?]

11. A world map so he can discover where Thailand is;

12. Some bandwidth to replace all of that he has wasted;

13. A pair of shoe lifts so acquaintances stop referring to him as ‘that little shit;’

14. A black hole named in his honor;

15. A Congratulation card for finally making crew leader of the midnight shift at his local McDonald’s;

16. An engraved plaque honoring his record of being the person who has spent the most time on Google;

17. A bottle of lube to lend credence to his claim of being a self-made man;

18. A DNA paternity test to prove that at least one of his parents was human;

19. A life;

20. Your pity.

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