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Old doesn't necessarily mean ancient although a night spent at one of Chiang Mai's khan toke dinner shows will make your body feel that way.

Old doesn’t necessarily mean ancient although a night spent at one of Chiang Mai’s khan toke dinner shows will make your body feel that way.

On our first visit to Chiang Mai, (Noom’s first ever) to really enjoy the experience Noom decided he needed to go local. With a passion. Or at least what he envisioned the rural people of the north considered local. It was early in our relationship and the first time I got to see how he pursues an idea with a singular intense of purpose. We spent an entire evening at the Sunday Night Market roaming from stall to stall as he assembled his ‘northern Thailand’ wardrobe. Despite money being no object – meaning I didn’t object to the money he was spending out of my wallet – at each stall he’d haggle his little ass off, and then more often than not would walk away knowing he could get a better price somewhere just up the road. Hours later, with the market closing, on our way back through the market he ended up stopping at some of those same stalls to make his purchases. No problemo. By the end of our outing he had his outfit for our stay.

I’m not sure if those who live in and around Chiang Mai would consider a white cotton pair of fisherman pants to be part of their traditional wardrobe. Or the matching white shirt with a high Chinese collar. The sandals he may have gotten right. Even if I noticed most locals just went with rubber flip-flops. But the important thing was that Noom was happy. And much like a child with a new toy couldn’t resist wearing his new outfit to bed that night. Which didn’t make me any too happy. I tried using a bit of logic instead of just whining about his lack of nudity, telling him that if he slept in his new Northern Thailand clothes they’d be wrinkled for tomorrow’s wearing. He agreed. And then told me that would make them look more authentic. I made a mental note to only buy him sexy underwear in the future.

But part of the fun of that trip was that I’d told him he could decide everything we would do.; And then got busy filling in all the hours he couldn’t come up with an activity for. I shoulda figured after the fisherman pant outfit his knowledge of the northern part of his country was limited at best. But he didn’t completely crap out. He had one idea, one which he saved as a surprise. And he spent a few days surreptitiously gathering info, then telling me how much money he needed to arrange what he would only refer to as ‘you surprise’. And when the big night arrived, surprised I was.

Have I ever mentioned before how much I don’t like surprises?

The Thai food is elevated by a khantoke, in height if not in palatability.

The Thai food is elevated by a khantoke, in height if not in palatability.

Finding ourselves in Chiang Mai once again, this time with my recently acquired boyfriend, Noom decided that Dave too needed to experience the authentic Northern Thailand. Having become much more familiar with Noom’s mode of operations, when he told me I knew there would be no denying his plan. Except for the surprise part. Out for the day, when Noom made one of his frequent pit stops to water a fire hydrant, I pulled Dave aside and gave him the 411.

“Tonight we’re going to a Khan Toke dinner show. It’s kinda like one of those luaus they put on for tourists back in Hawaii. Bad food, bad native dancing, and you’ll suffer through a bad back tomorrow ‘cuz you have to sit on the floor throughout your meal. But Noom has his heart set on showing off his native land to you so we have no choice.”

“You’ve been to one of these things before?

“Sad to say, yes.”

“And it really sucks?”

“Worse than what I’ve already told you.”

“And you didn’t tell him it sucked?”

“That would have hurt his feelings.”

“So now I have to suffer through it too, just because you didn’t have the balls to tell him how much you hated it your first time?”

“Yeah, but we can stop at McDonalds afterwards so we’re not starving all night. Shhhh, here he comes. You have to act surprised.”

“No what I have to act is like I have a slight case of dysentery and can’t leave the hotel tonight.”

“Um, I think the one we’re going to has elephant rides too.”

“Liar.”

On the plus side, there is no such thing as a good or bad table at a Khan Toke dinner show. 'Cuz there are no tables.

On the plus side, there is no such thing as a good or bad table at a Khan Toke dinner show. ‘Cuz there are no tables.

The khan toke dinner is a tradition among Lanna people dating way back in history. To the mid 1950s. The khantoke itself – a pedestal tray used as a small dining table – is a bit older. It was used for special meals and celebrations when eating off the floor was just too common. You’ve probably seen towers of different sized khantokes in handicraft shops at stalls around Thailand and possibly thought one would make a good cake pedestal. After spending an evening at a khan toke dinner and cultural show, you’ll probably think khantokes should only be used as cake pedestals. But hey, almost anything beats having your dinner served on the floor.

Because being original has never been a Thai trait, there are several places around Chiang Mai that put on khan toke dinners for the masses. Aficionados claim the best is at the Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center, located at the edge of the city about a 5 minute ride from the center of Chiang Mai. You can book your excursion almost everywhere in Chiang Mai, and most come with a free bus ride to and from the event. Personally I suggest arriving in your own private tuk tuk. It will help prepare your body for the torture to come.

Once at the Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center your evening begins with instructions to remove your shoes before being led to your not-a-table (also known as the floor), not because of any religious reasons as with visiting a wat but because it’d be rude to be tracking in dirt on the carpeting where your fellow diners will be grazing. Once you figure out how to lower yourself to the floor without looking like you’re falling off a bar stool, there are stacked, triangular shaped ‘pillows’ to rest against. Fortunately, before your food is served you’re given the opportunity to try those pillows out. And once you realize they tend to slip across the carpeting when you put your weight on them, you’ll find a new position that allows you to remain in one spot.

The show's eye candy is far too over-dressed. But Wait! Are those fisherman pants?

The show’s eye candy is far too over-dressed. But Wait! Are those fisherman pants?

As soon as the serving staff sees that you are not slipping into some other waitperson’s section, your food will arrive. You’ll note I didn’t mention menus. That’s because it’s a fixed meal. And while some refer to it as a buffet, it ain’t. Your not-a-table gets the same food as everyone else’s. If you arrived early (so that means you were not accompanied by a Thai) you may get seconds. If you are lucky. Or not. If you are even luckier.

The food comes in small bowls and fills your group’s khantoke. There is fried chicken, Burmese pork curry, fried pork skins, fried bananas, rice, not-fried vegetables, and some chili paste so that what you choose to eat has at least a bit of flavor. The best part of the meal is that if you go traditional, you get to eat it with your fingers. And the five second rule is extended by three seconds since any food you drop takes less time to hit the floor. Now aren’t you glad they made everyone take off their shoes?

Oh. And you get a fruit platter at the end of your meal too. Plus all the booze you can drink. As long as you are willing to pay for it. As you go. Because the price of your ticket doesn’t include alcohol even though getting wasted is a tradition among tourists that dates back even further than the traditional khan toke dinner does

Now I know where that Soi Twilight candle numbers came from.

Now I know where that Soi Twilight candle numbers came from.

About an hour into your meal, the entertainment starts. It’s traditional Thai dancing at its finest. Thais, other than those making their living as coyote dancers at the bars in Patpong, are not known for either their rhythm or dancing skills, but their attempts does help take your mind away from the horrendous music accompanying the dancers. And like traditional Hawaiian luaus filled with Samoan fire dancers and Tahitian bump and grind, in Thailand they’ve added a good dollop of non-traditional Thai dances to the show – like Samoan fire dancers – too. And like at traditional Hawaiian luaus, at the end of the performance the dancers grab a few unsuspecting tourists, pull them on stage, and make them attempt to dance Thai-style so that everyone else can have a good laugh and forget how uncomfortable sitting on the floor can be.

But Wait! There’s more! After your meal and after watching the cultural performance you can move to a nearby barn to watch even more traditional Thai dancing. More of the local tribal version than that of the royal court, it’s a fascinating look at how hill tribe ladies learned that blocking move they exhibit at the night bazaar, the one that manages to keep them directly in your path until you buy something from them. Which a few of the dancers practice in trying to get a tip out of you before you leave.

The best part of the evening is that if you took a tuk-tuk, there’s a McDonalds a mere two minutes from the venue. And just a few minutes further into town you can experience a total different type of traditional Thai dancing at any one of a number of gogo bars.

I feel sorry for the dancers if a Samoan tourist ever decides to drop by the  Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center's Khan Toke Dinner and Cultural Show.

I feel sorry for the dancers if a Samoan tourist ever decides to drop by the Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center’s Khan Toke Dinner and Cultural Show.

If you enjoy visiting Jim Thompson’s House Of Silk For Sale, a traditional khan toke dinner show is probably right for you. And there are worse ways of spending your time in Chiang Mai. Like visiting an ‘authentic’ Hill Tribe village. But there are plenty of restaurants serving much better Thai food, and you can always get some take-out and eat it sitting on the floor of your hotel room.

The Old Chiang Mai Cultural Center’s Khan Toke Dinner and Cultural Show is held nightly starting at 7pm. The dancing begins around 8 and the after show dance performance lasts about 30 minutes. Depending on where you buy your tickets, dinner, with one free non-alcoholic drink will run you 500 to 600 baht per person. But attending the dinner show and keeping your bar boy happy, as MasterCard likes to say, is priceless. As for boyfriends, promise he might get to ride an elephant the next day and you may still get lucky after your meal.

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