‘Tis the season and far too many sexpats and sex tourists are beginning to consider just what the perfect gift would be for their boyfriends and boy du hour in Thailand to ensure their season is merry. Ideas for gifts have always been a popular subject on the message boards, and while intentions are well meant, suggestions are seldom that bright. Besides, once you hear about cheap plastic Eiffel Tower key rings it’s hard to think of anything else. So to help you during your pre-trip holiday shopping, here are a few tips to keep in mind while trying to come up with the perfect gift for your favorite Thai money boy:

1. A Rose By Any Other Name Smells Just As Bad.
The boys on the boards always suggest that personal fragrances are the perfect gift for any Thai bar boy. Even though the only personal fragrance most bar boys are concerned with is yours. So you may consider taking a shower as your gift to him this year. As for colognes or perfumes, the status-bearing brands are pricey and most of y’all are cheap bastards so instead you’ll be buying some crappy brand that will make him end up smelling like a whore, and you wouldn’t want . . . Oh. Never mind.

2. Reach Out And Touch Someone. Else.
A newbie on SGT recently asked if the iPhone 6+ was a suitable gift for every Thai money boy he plans on meeting during his first trip to Thailand. And we lost a few more board members thanks to the ensuing heart attacks. But he was on the right track. Bar boys love getting a new cellphone. As long as it is the latest model on the market. Your boyfriend probably just got one last week. ‘Cuz there are a lot of punters who like to play Santa year round. In any case, the $600 phone you bought him will be treasured. All the way to the pawn shop where he’ll snag $100 for it. If you’re lucky. If luck doesn’t favor you, he’ll keep it and use it to solicit Xmas gifts from all of his other overseas boyfriends.

3. Don We Now Our Gay Apparel.
Another perennial gift suggestion among the boys on the boards is jeans, preferably the latest designer style not available in Thailand. Huh. So why when you spend so much of your time and money trying to get him out of his pants, are you thinking of putting another obstacle in your way? Your better bet is to buy him a pair of jeans that no self-respecting bar boy would be caught dead wearing. Because the gayest apparel is not wearing any. And he’ll probably look wonderful in it too.

4. Forget About Frankincense and Myrrh, But Gold Is Fit For Any King. Or Queen.
There is not gift a bar boy enjoys receiving more than gold. Because it is easily convertible into the gift he really enjoys receiving: baht. In Thailand they even use the same word for money as they do for the weight of gold. Because subtlety is not a trait Thais are known for. It also helps to remind the occasional money boy who thinks wearing some bling might be nice what a gift of gold is really all about. If you really feel the need to buy him some gold, take him to the local wat and spring for a few small sheets of gold leaf. He can use them to make merit while praying to The Buddha for a more generous farang.

5. The Gift That Keeps Giving All Year Long.
If you really love your bar boyfriend – or are even fond of your fellow sexpats – what you should really be thinking of this holiday season is the gift that keeps giving. Go get tested. For everything. And then take him to be tested too. ‘Cuz there are some souvenirs besides those wood croaking frogs that you really don’t want to be taking back home with you.

6. When In Doubt Gift Cards Are The Way To Go.
The right size, right color, right style . . . it’s just too much. Sure it’s nice to give your true love a personal gift that shows you know what he likes, but face it, you probably don’t really have a clue. It’s much easier to let him pick out something he’d like. So consider giving him a gift card. The problem is gift cards for stores back in your home country won’t cut it because they don’t have those retail establishments in Thailand. Problem solved. He already knows you carry a few gift cards with you for some of his favorite stores. Like Visa and MasterCard. And since they already have your name on them, how much more personalized can you get?

7. Made In America. Or The U.K. Or Wherever The Hell You Call Home.
Many punters think a gift from their home country will be appreciated by their Thai bar boy. And their right. He’ll love being reminded of where you’ll soon be flying back to. Consider it his carrot to your stick. Something that says France, Germany, England, or the U.S.A is always an appreciated gift. And as crazy for the royals as Thais are, he’ll really appreciate a few photos of some of your country’s past leaders. So the best remembrance from home is a nice wad of your local currency. Unless it’s British pounds. Their exchange rate sucks these days.

The problem with gifts of cash is they just ain’t that festive. So make sure you wrap yours to impart that holiday spirit. Don’t worry about having to rush out to buy gift wrap either. Just use more baht. Then you don’t even need a gift card ‘cuz he’ll know it’s from you. ‘Cuz that’s how he thinks of you anyway.

8. You Can’t Buy Love.
But fortunately you can buy sex. Which is why you call him your boyfriend in the first place. And why he calls you a customah. I wouldn’t want to dissuade you from giving him a token of your affection during the holiday season, but you’re already giving him what he truly wants: business. Santa undoubtedly enjoys getting his freak on with Rudolph, but ya never heard of him paying to get that deer’s nose fixed, now have you? So keep the true basis of your relation in mind during the holidays, even if you like to ignore the truth during the rest of the year. When it comes to gifts, go small and inexpensive. He’ll still appreciate that you thought of him. And then you can still be the cheap bastard that you usually are over the rest of the year.