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Welcome To Thailand. By which we mean Pattaya. By which we mean Sunee Plaza.

Welcome To Thailand. By which we mean Pattaya. By which we mean Sunee Plaza.

Newbies trying to make heads and tails out of the alphabet soup of local words and place names in Thailand, and the localized lingo used by long-time visitors and expats for their favorite pastime of molesting the tails and heads of locals, have it rough. There’s proper Thai and Thai slang in use, and proper and slang English from a few different native English speaking countries whose language barely resembles each others. Then there’s the slang expats use that means something entirely different in Thailand than anywhere else in the world. And just when they think they’ve caught the gist of a conversation, someone throws in a handful of acronyms that mean nothing outside of Thailand. It makes holding a conversation difficult for newbies, and offers numerous opportunities for communicating something other than what they meant.

That alone would be bad enough, but then along come the gay sex touri and sexpats who have a language all their own. And once you move south into the land of Pattaya, you can’t tell if that’s English they’re speaking, or if it’s just their bottle of gin doing the talking. To help newbies better understand the babble of Pattaya’s fans, here’s a glossary of useful word and phrases and what they really mean:

Thailand: An approximately 8.571 sq mile area just southeast of Bangkok, that everyone else calls Pattaya. At least when they are being nice. Shitsville, Sin City, and The Cesspool By The Sea all work just as well.

Patts: A nickname for Pattaya used by those in-the-know because they are too drunk to pronounce the town’s full name.

Pattaya: The destination in Thailand Boo Hoo is too ashamed to admit to immigration officials that he’s visiting. Also the name used by sexpats for Sunee Plaza, ‘cuz that’s all that really matters.

Bangkok: The city where the airport you use to get to Patts is, of little to no interest to a true sexpats other than for a quick stop-over visit every few years so you can bitch about how expensive the cost of an orgasm on Soi Twilight is.

Phuket: An over-priced tropical Pattaya wannabe down south filled with scam artists and a damn good chance of your being raped and killed. Also known as the beach destination in Thailand those who have a modicum of self-respect visit instead of Patts.

Chiang Mai: A town somewhere up north where a few misguided expats have chosen to live, hardly worth the bus fare as all of the gogo bars and saunas are too spread out and inconvenient to find. Although an occasional photo of a young local lad posted on one of the gay Thailand forums makes sexpats consider a visit may be in order. Until their next shot of gin arrives and reminds them why Patts is all you really need.

Hong Nam: The name of the beach in Pattaya.

Hong Nam: The name of the beach in Pattaya.

Boyfriend: Any Thai lad who’ve you paid to have sex with you more than twice.

Boy Special: Any Thai lad who’ve you paid to have sex with you more than twice, but of whom you are also fond. Because he pretends to be fond of you.

Boy: Any Thai lad who you can pay to have sex with you or who you will be able to pay to have sex with you as soon as he reaches puberty.

Young Boy: Any Thai lad who you can pay to have sex with you while you wait for him to reach puberty.

Money Boy: Any Thai lad who you can pay to have sex with you but who’ll you bitch about later because he took your money to have sex with him.

Customer: (See Boyfriend.)

Walking ATM: The affectionate phrase used by the boys of Pattaya for farang. (See Boyfriend.)

Stunner: A young, malnourished street urchin who on a score of 1 to 10 for looks would rate a -6 but is considered prime beef in Sunee Plaza because he’s of legal age even though he looks to be only 14.

Dud: A moneyboy you’ve paid to have sex with you but who was unable to help you achieve orgasm even though you took a little blue pill.

Scammer: A moneyboy you’ve paid to have sex with you but who didn’t want to bother to help you achieve orgasm because he knew it’d take more than a little blue pill to manage that feat.

Scam: The marketing campaign from the company that makes those little blue pills.

Little Blue Pill: A generic term used for Viagra, an EDS medication that sexpats are too cheap to buy and instead purchase inexpensive knock-off versions from India so they can bitch about what a scam Viagra is.

Yaba: A from of methamphetamine popular in Thailand among money boys that helps them forget what they are expected to do with customers who take little blue pills.

Pattaya Floating Market: The local’s phrase for a sexpat enjoying the beach in Pattaya.

Pattaya Floating Market: The local’s phrase for a sexpat enjoying the beach in Pattaya.

Hansum Man: A phrase used by bar boys to help snare customers that every sexpat knows is a lie. Unless the bar boy is your boyfriend. Then its the truth. Because he’s different. (See Boy Special.)

Jai Dee: A Thai phrase meaning ‘good heart’ which in bar boy speak means ‘sucker’. Unless the bar boy is your boyfriend. Then it’s the truth. Because he’s different. (See Boyfriend.)

Flying Farang: A sexpat who discovered his Boy Special actually wasn’t different

Pedophile: The improper term used by rude people who just don’t understand pederasty.

PLU: An acronym for People Like Us, used by the general gay community to mean other homosexuals, and used in Pattaya to mean fellow sexpats. (See Pedophile.)

Pattaya Street Kids Support Project : One of several Pattaya-based charities that sexpats and sex touri donate to because they are jai dee and care about the plight of Pattaya’s street kids. And they let you ‘sponsor’ your very own child. (See Young Boy.)

Pattaya’s Street Kids: One of the numerous children who hang out around Sunee Plaza until they are old enough to work in Sunee Plaza. (See Money Boy)

Take Care: A Pattaya-based charity promoting safe sex that sexpats and sex touri donate to because they are jai dee and care about the plight of their boyfriend’s penis.

Safe Sex: The free condoms and lube suppled by Take Care.

Love: The Thai word for baht.

Love: The Thai word for baht.

Gay Friendly: Usually used in discussions about hotels to mean an establishment that allows you to bring a prostitute back to your room, it is also sometimes used in discussion of areas of SE Asia where local practice allows (or disallows) you to bring a prostitute back to your hotel room.

Guest House: A Gay Friendly establishment where a retired sexpat and his Boy Special offer cheap, down-market accommodations to sex tourists.

Fine Dining: Any restaurant in Pattaya that offers canned pork and beans on its menu.

Brothel: (See Bar.)

Bar: A small, dingy establishment that sells cheap booze as a disguise for its true purpose. (See Brothel.)

Off Fee: Also known as a bar fine, this is the fee charged by bars to take an employee back to your hotel room. (See Scam.)

Bar Owner: The idiot who you expect to warmly greet you by name and immediately respond to your every complaint, and/or bit of business advice, because you drink a 49 baht beer at his establishment at least once a month.

Mamasan: A local that bar owners hire to run interference so they do not have to deal with customers who expect to be warmly greeted by name and be immediately responded to for every complaint, or bit of business advice, they make because they drink a 49 baht beer at the establishment at least once a month.

Ladyboy: A derisive term used by sexpats for their young, effeminate boyfriend who they just dumped because, surprise, he started wearing makeup. (Although usually the farang’s disgruntlement  is actually over the cost of the sex-change operation his boyfriend thought he should pay for.)

Ladyboy: A derisive term used by sexpats for their young, effeminate boyfriend who they just dumped because, surprise, he started wearing makeup. (Although usually the farang’s disgruntlement is actually over the cost of the sex-change operation his boyfriend thought he should pay for.)

Sunee Plaza: A dirty, down-market area of Pattaya catering to elderly farang sex touri looking for their next Thai boyfriend. Also known among sex tourists as heaven.

The Beach: A stretch of dirty sand alongside Pattaya’s polluted waters where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open.

Hong Nam: The Thai word for toilet. Also a place where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open.

Royal Garden Shopping Centre: A shopping mall in Pattaya where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open. (See Hong Nam.)

Central Festival: A shopping mall in Pattaya where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys who are not their boyfriend while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open.

Thai Massage: The service offered by any one of numerous massage shops in Pattaya where sexpats hang out and procure the services of moneyboys while waiting for the bars in Sunee Plaza to open. (See Happy Ending.)

Happy Ending: In Bangkok a happy ending is the orgasm you enjoy at the end of a massage. In Pattaya it is the orgasm you did not manage to achieve at the end of a massage, but are just as happy with because now you can bitch to your fellow sexpats about the crappy experience you had. (See Dud)

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