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Aloha Friday #52
20 Friday Feb 2015
Posted Aloha Friday
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20 Friday Feb 2015
Posted Aloha Friday
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19 Thursday Feb 2015
Posted It's A Gay World
inNothing sums up why I love Thailand as well as that the country holds three new year celebrations annually. Okay, so maybe the gogo bars on Soi Twilight have a bit more to do with my love affair with the kingdom, but partying your ass of for New Year’s every few months ain’t bad either. Today begins the festivities for the Lunar New Year (aka the Chinese New Year, or the Spring Festival as they call it in China) and that means parades, dragons, and the all important little red envelope. Since as a farang you’re probably more familiar with the Western version of New Year’s – participation in which only requires champagne and a hangover – here are some of the observances and superstitions surrounding the Chinese version in Bangkok, and more importantly what your boy du jour will be expecting from you.
But first things first: Is it the year of the sheep, the year of the goat, or the year of the ram? That may sound like splitting hairs to you, but if you are a goat, it matters. And evidently if you are Chinese, it doesn’t ‘cuz it all tastes the same in the stew pot anyway. The problem is ancient China went with pictograms instead of just saying what they meant. And the character yang can be translated to mean any one of the three. But the symbol for yang has little horns on it so I’m going with goat. Which is not something I normally do unless dining at a Jamaican restaurant.
Your boy du jour may shy away from using ‘goat’ too as that’s probably his affectionate nickname for you. And he wouldn’t want you to get the idea that 2015 has anything to do with you. ‘Cuz like every other year it’s all about him. And technically, 2015 is the year of the Wood Goat. But don’t think he’ll be any more interested in you achieving that status either.
Burn Baby, Burn.
You may think burning money is you boy du jour’s normal pastime, especially when he’s shopping with your wallet as a companion. But come the Lunar New Year, he’s gonna go at it with gusto. Literally. It’s a tradition to buy fake money – called joss paper or ghost money – to burn for the new year. It’s done to honor the dead, and according to Chinese beliefs the properties of the presents that are set on fire will transfer to the afterworld where it can be used by the spirits. So don’t think just ‘cuz your boy du jour’s mama is dead, you’re off the hook.
In China, burning joss paper for the Spring Festival is not as much of a tradition as it is for other holidays where dead relatives play a more integral role. But in Thailand it’s a major part of the Lunar New Year celebration. So much so that the government tries to dissuade its citizens from doing so every year in an attempt to avoid the related Lunar New Year celebration of burning down peoples’ houses. But as every good Buddhist knows, a house catching on fire is fate, not your fault, and setting things on fire is sanook.
In keeping up with the times, the tradition of burning Chinese paper money has evolved into the burning of just about any items that can be useful to the spirits, including credit cards, ATM cards, and paper replicas of everyday items like clothing, TV’s, computers, cars, or whatever the most popular “must-have” item happens to be at the time, like mobile phones and iPads. So don’t be surprised if your boy du jour sets his iPhone 4 a blaze sometime over the next few days. He’s just honoring his mama. And your part of the observance is replacing his freshly toasted iPhone 4 with a new iPhone 6.
Is That Sulphur I Smell?
Fireworks, especially firecrackers are an important part of the Lunar New Year festivities. Tradition says setting off fireworks scares away evil spirits, which in turn helps ensure a year of good luck. Lighting off fireworks also comes in handy if your burning joss paper failed to catch the neighborhood on fire. The history of doing so can be traced back to ancient China when an extremely fierce man-eating predatory beast called Nian would rise from the depths every Chinese New Year eve to devour livestock and humanstock alike. So villagers would celebrate the new year by hiding in caves deep within near-by mountains. One year, a gray haired man appeared and asked permission to stay for the night, assuring everyone that he would chase away the beast. No one believed him. But since he was an old man, and basically useless, the villagers allowed him to stay while they ran off to hide.
Lo and behold, come New Year’s Eve, Nian showed up for his annual meal. But the wily old man set off firecrackers; the noise and flashes of light scared the beast off and when the villagers returned the next day instead of the bloody corpse of the old man they expected to find, instead discovered their village was safe and intact. Other than a few domiciles that had caught fire and burned down, of course. Every year since then the Chinese have lit firecrackers to keep themselves safe and the grand traditional celebration of doing so is called the “Passing of Nian”.
I know. You’re now expecting me to draw some snarky parallel between either that old man or Nian and sexpats. Please note that it was your mind and not mine that went there. Instead, this one is a give-me for sexpats. It’s a Lunar New Year freebie, a Get Out Of Jail Card that you too will quickly adopt as a Chinese New Year tradition. When you finally get your boy du jour tucked safely under the covers of your bed on New Year’s eve, let one rip. Then while he’s gasping for a breath of fresh air, tell him that’s your home country’s version of the Passing of Nian. He’ll remember you for the entire rest of the year.
Out With The Old.
The only problem with using the Passing of Nian gag is that another tradition of the Lunar New Year is that on the stroke of midnight every door and window in the house – or in your case, hotel room – have to be opened to allow the old year and bad luck to go out. So not only will this tradition put a dampener on your fun, but next year your boy du jour will probably make sure you booked a room on a high floor, one with a balcony. And then your Passing of Nian tradition could segue into his celebration of The Flying Farang of New Year’s Eve tradition.
Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.
No, even in Thailand ladyboys have nothing to do with the Lunar New Year festivities. Unless that’s your thing. But there is a tradition that involves crying. And pouting, sulking, and generally acting like a little spoiled brat. Unfortunately for you, your boy du jour knows this. And will use it to his advantage. According to Chinese New Year superstition, if you cry on New Year’s day, you will cry all through the year. Therefore, children are tolerated and are not spanked, even though they deserve a good bitch slap. So expect your boy du jour to throw a tantrum when you suggest an iPhone 6 is sufficient and that he really doesn’t need an iPhone 6+. Oh, and if a bit of SM is your thing, don’t forget he has a Lunar New year tradition to fall back on for saying no to that one too.
Neither A Lender Or A Borrower Be.
An important part of the Lunar New Year observances is starting the year off debt free. So expect your Boy Special to ask for your help in bringing his loom rent up to date. Ditto for the baht he’s borrowed from friends and family. Which may sound to you like nothing more than his usual tradition of seeing you anytime during the year, but the twist for the Lunar New Year is that you are not supposed to borrow money either. So for once, he’ll not have to pretend the cash he gets from you is a loan.
Not Getting To The Point.
Nancy Reagan has nothing to do with the Lunar New Year either, but the holiday provides ample opportunities for your boy du jour to just say no. For example, the use of knives, scissors, or any sharp object is a harbinger of bad luck; sharp pointed objects are believed to cut off good fortune. So don’t expect him to be thrilled when you show him what that little blue pill helped you to work up. On the other hand, if you didn’t buy him that iPhone6+ he’d been crying about, you probably can sleep safely for at least one night.
Not Getting To Point B Either.
If you are a fan of long-time offs, the Lunar New Year is not the celebration for you. The Chinese believe the first person one meets and the first words heard are significant as to what your fortunes will be for the entire year. While you’d think that a customer being the first person your boy du jour sees on New Year’s day would be good luck, take a look in the mirror and you’ll see why he might not think so.
And Now A Word About Those Little Red Envelopes.
The good thing about being an ignorant farang is no Thai will really expect you to know anything about the important aspects of celebrating the Lunar New Year. The bad thing about being an ignorant farang is that all Thais assume you are rich. And the two together mean a) you are rich; and b) you’re not smart enough to know the intricacies involved with handing out red envelopes stuffed with cash for the Lunar New Year. So, for example, that the tradition is only unmarried people get those monetary gifts, in your case you’re gonna have to cough up with cash for one and all. And I do mean all. Besides, your boy du jour probably told you he was gay and single even though he has a wife and six kids back home.
Traditionally, the cash you hand out for the Lunar New Year is supposed to be presented in a red envelope, preferably with gold accents. You boy du jour will appreciate if those gold accents are real gold and there’s lots of them. But your Thai acquaintances know you are on holiday and may not have ready access to the proper gist wrapping, soi they will forgive you the faux pas of just handing them unwrapped cash. As long as there is lots of it.
Who gets red packets of money? That’s an easy one. Everyone. Except you. The general rule of thumb is that it’s given from a senior to a junior. For example, a resident to a doorman, a boss to his employee, parents to children, etc., etc. etc. Sunni Plaza fans, obviously, owe a cash filled envelope to every bar boy on the street since youth is what the plaza is all about. And technically, as the ’employer’ you’ll also owe one to your off for the night, on top of his tip. Then there is the taxi driver who quoted you a fixed fare, the waiter or waitress who ignored that you finished eating 45 minutes ago and still hasn’t brought your check, the mamasan who already poured herself a few drinks on your tab, the street vendor who sold you a 99 baht genuine fake Rolex watch for 3,000 baht . . . you get the picture. And don’t worry if you don’t. Every Thai you come into contact will wish you, “Happy New Year,’ as a reminder that you are supposed to hand them a Lunar New Year gift of cash.
So not who? but How Much? is the better question. Most recipients of your largesse will be happy with 100 baht. That’d be doormen, waiters, taxi drivers, and the other folk who bumped into you on the street and wished you a Happy New Year! Your boy du jour is gonna expect a bit more. And two customs associated with those little red envelopes will come into play. First, it is tradition for the money given to be in a single note. So a fresh, new 1,000 baht note is about the least you can get away with. Second, the Chinese word for ‘four’ sounds like their word for ‘death’. Which, obviously is bad luck. Even if it is yours. ‘Cuz that means no more little red envelopes stuffed with cash for New Years. If you really lub your Boy Special, 1,000 baht ain’t gonna cut it, so (to avoid both the stigma of four and the faux pas of giving multiple notes) you’re looking at a $100 bill at the very least.
But as much as you may think $100 is plenty, especially since you just paid off all of his debts, don’t forget that Lunar New Year tradition that allows him to sulk, pout and cry if he’s unhappy. ‘Cuz he won’t. So forget the red envelope and wrap that $100 bill in a new iPhone 6+ and your boy du jour will have the happiest new year ever. At least until Songkran.
19 Thursday Feb 2015
Posted Take It Off Thursday
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18 Wednesday Feb 2015
Posted Sex Break
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Having grown up watching Gilligan’s Island, the idea of a three hour tour always leaves me a bit anxious. But when Noom shows an interest in something beyond shopping, I tend to set my worries aside and just be happy my wallet gets to take a break. Such was the case after a quasi-business trip to Khaosan Road, the subsequent hassle in finding an open taxi, and Noom’s sudden realization that it was close enough to feeding time to stop off at his favorite pad thai restaurant. No problemo. It’s not exactly a short hike from the backpacker ghetto to the far side of Wat Ratchanadda where our early lunch awaited, but it is a shady walk down Ratcha Damnoen Klang Road. At least it was until Noom came to an abrupt stop and uttered that fateful cry, “Oh!”
We’d driven and walked past the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall many times in the past without incident. This time, maybe it was the lack of store windows to shop and a stomach that wasn’t quite growling yet that combined to entice him with the thought of spending our afternoon in a museum. Then again Noom is Thai. And he loves anything and everything about his culture. Even when it’s more about propaganda than tradition. But at a mere 100 baht, who was I to argue with his choice of historical record?
The Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall isn’t just a museum, it’s an interactive museum. But also being a museum run by the Thai government, your interaction is strictly controlled. Mindless wandering from exhibit to exhibit is not allowed. Because in Thailand we take guided tours. Which is where my anxiety about taking the three hour version came into play. But it coulda been worse. There’s a six hour version too. And with scheduling, the word is taking both could make you feel just like Gilligan (or Lovey Howell for you queens) stuck on an uncharted island with no apparent means of escape.
Officially the tour takes two hours. Or four. There are two ‘routes’ and you can choose to take one or both (for the same admission fee). But being a Thai museum run by the Thai government and billed as a Thai cultural experience, Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall runs on Thai time. So it all depends on how the tour schedule works out with your arrival time. First, there’s an introductory video that starts every fifteen minutes. Then your first two hour tour, which begin every 20 minutes. And then if you opt for the full experience, there’s the additional delay waiting for Part II to start. So not counting time spent at the coffee shop, checking out the views from the Observation Deck, or your boy du jour’s obligatory stop at the gift shop, plan on six hours for the full set of tours, or three hours for the single tour. But just remember that too was all that Gilligan thought he’d signed up for.
Now between almost a full day of sightseeing in one building and the fact that despite billing itself as an interactive learning center the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall is still a museum, you might be thinking: pass. And I don’t blame you. But somewhere between my bitching about being forced to take a guided tour, the length of the tour(s), the 1,000 baht deposit for the English language audio guide, the sometimes juvenile displays, and having how wonderful the royals of Thailand are for the country shoved down my throat, I actually began to enjoy myself. And Noom loved it from the get-go. Even with all the bitching I was doing.
From strictly a time best spent view, I’d almost want to tell you to go with your first instincts and give it a pass if you are only in town for a few days. But the info and displays on the Grand Palace alone would make your subsequent visit to that attraction much more rewarding. And while some of the interactive technology displays appear to have been constructed by The Professor from what he could find on the island, others are pretty damn cool. One, while you are sitting down watching a 4D-multimedia video (replete with scent and sensory effects), is actually an elevator that raises you to the next floor. Whodathunk a museum could actually be fun?
The museum is divided into nine ‘halls’ each focusing on a different aspect of Thai history/culture. The Grandeur Rattanakosin Room is mostly Chakri dynasty hype, but that segues into the Prestige of the Kingdom Room with interactive displays and scale models of the Grand Palace. You get to see the Emerald Buddha in not one but three different costumes (and all three are of a better view than you’ll get actually visiting the green guy), and the explanation of the meanings behind all the architectural details of the place is fascinating. It also provides glimpses into parts of the palace not usually accessible to the public.
In the Remarkable Entertainments Hall, a panoramic view of the olden days of Siam with traditional Thai entertainment spectacles involves you in the country’s performing arts, such as the masked Khon dance, lakhon plays, the Thai silk industry, fruit carving, and puppet shows – and yeah, you get to play with the puppets. Then it’s back to how cool it is to be royalty in the Renowned Ceremonies Room, a cinema-like hall with comfortable couch seating where you get to watch a king’s coronation ceremony. The Royal Barge Procession and the Royal Ploughing Ceremony are covered here too. Less all about the Chakri clan, the Impressive Communities Hall brings the different trade streets to life, from the monk’s bowl village of Baan Bat to the foodie lanes than run alongside the city’s canals.
I was hoping the Colorful Thai Way of Living Hall might include some interactive experience with Soi Twilight, but no such luck. Which may have had something to do with it being Noom’s favorite room. Not quite The Pirates of the Caribbean, after a brief look into to life at riverside you take a trip down the river (animated on a 3D multimedia screen) in your own boat (okay, it’s more of a cart, but go with the flow) whose movements stimulate a wild ride on the river. Then, before you get wet, the screen changes into a view of the old city and your boat becomes a tram while you ride down the first paved road in Thailand.
This was the most interactive room. You got to bop your heart out on a dance floor from the ’60s, try out some vintage costumes, and even have your photo superimposed on the cover of a magazine. It ends with a ride on the BTS, which is a good segue into the Sight – Seeing Highlights exhibit which features all the stuff you could have done in town instead of having visited the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.
That too was a popular exhibit for Noom. It’s mostly done in cartoons. And they take photos of you when you enter the room so that during the presentation your face shows up in parts of the display. Thankfully, unlike in many museums photography is allowed. So Noom has lots of shots of himself enjoying his day at the Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.
(The Rattanakosin Exhibition Hall.is open Tuesday through Friday from 11am to 8pm, and on Saturday and Sunday from 10am to 8pm. The last tour begins at 6pm, but consider going later in the day ‘cuz the views of the surrounding area – including the Loha Prasat, Wat Ratchanadda, and the Golden Mount are even more spectacular when lit at night.)
18 Wednesday Feb 2015
Posted Photo Of The Week
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Tomorrow starts off the Lunar New Year festivities, or the Chinese New Year for the politically incorrect, and since getting all your cleaning chores out of the way before the new year hits is an important part of the celebration, this seemed like an appropriate picture for today’s Photo of the Week post.
Um, did that excuse work?
18 Wednesday Feb 2015
Posted Hump Day Is Bump Day
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17 Tuesday Feb 2015
Posted Out This Week
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Forget mass beheadings by ISIS, Copenhagen turning into little America, and proof that global warming is a hoax ‘cuz everywhere but California is buried under a ton of snow, the real news of the week is that Justin Bieber’s best buddy has finally made an appearance. Unlike Punxsutawney Phil, it didn’t cast a shadow. But is responsible for a lot of shade being thrown. And despite the alleged evidence, the question still seems to be whether Justin has a big dick or just that he is a big dick.
If you are in the Is A Big Dick camp and haven’t been following the strange saga of Justin’s lack of stature, it all started back at the beginning of the year when Bieber and his penis appeared in a new Calvin Klein ad. Almost immediately the internet began claiming it ain’t all that. And BreatheHeavy.com weighed in on the weight of Bieber’s package with what it claimed were unretouched photos from the photo shoot showing a decidedly less muscular and less endowed Justin. Some claimed the unretouched photos were photoshopped, while the masses continued to claim Bieber’s mass was the photoshopped version. Regardless, threatened by legal action, the website took those photos down.
Meanwhile other internet sites and media outlets began their own investigations into Bieber’s crotch shots, pointing out other questionable parts such as a happy trail not visible in video footage from the shoot while in the print ads it looked like he’d grown some hair. Ditto for his well-defined six-pack in the print ads that look more like a two-pack in the video clips. The controversy wouldn’t die down, causing even further shrinkage to Bieber’s pride in his manhood.
And so the 20-year-old singer’s PR machine got busy proudly standing up for that which appeared unable to do the same for itself. One unnamed source close to the Canadian pop star’s penis claimed the Calvin Klein ads were retouched, but not to add the missing elements; he claimed Bieber’s bulge was retouched because it was too big for the underwear he was given to wear for the shoot. “Justin was too big for his underwear. They are too tight and needed to be photo shopped to make the pictures look less distracting,” he told anyone who would looked to be a Belieber.
Patrick Nilsson, Justin’s personal trainer, added his two inches worth too, telling Access Hollywood, “I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.” And then realizing what he’d just said added, “Okay, I sound weird saying that, but yes.” Nilsson declined to elaborate further on exactly how he knows that to be true.
So Bieber decided to take the controversy into his own hands by publishing a photo on his Instagram account showing what he felt was proof in the pudding. The photo, captioned “photoshopped lol” shows the Biebs wearing nothing but a towel which may or may not include a vague outline of Justin’s penis. Which for those in the Is A Big Dick camp only served to prove the boyish crooner doesn’t know dick about dick. While Bieber’s self-published photo did little to end the debate, it did raise the question of which member of his entourage took that photo, and just what was going on that was responsible for raising that point.
Not being able to allow sleeping dogs – or puppies – to lie, the latest in the possibly not so sagging saga is this weekend’s leaked text mBeiber’s Teeny Weeny 4essage between Bieber and his ex, Selena Gomez, in which Justin included several dick pix. Yup, tired of the is he or isn’t he controversy, actual shots of the Biebs’ little Bieb have been published to prove he really does measure up. Which too is a bit suspicious.
The flurry of text messages were originally published back in 2004 after Selena’s iPhone was reportedly hacked. The dick pix were originally blurred out. That proof of Justin’s manhood has now magically appeared has some wondering just how big of a dick Bieber really is. While it has others wondering if Justin knows the difference between a big dick and what’s not really hanging between his legs.
While the text part of the message proves Bieber is in fact a big dick, the accompanying photos just don’t add up to much. It is a dick. That it is Justin’s is still debatable. And ‘big’ is relative. One shows a fistful of dick, but for all we know he just choked up on his bat. The other attempts to give Bieber’s best buddy a thumbs up, and it almost appears to be a full-length feature film. But even if Justin has little hands (which is never a good sign) at best he’s looking at under six inches. Which ain’t much to brag about. Or as Selena tagged it, “U need to grow the fuck up.”
Obviously, if Bieber wants to prove his point he needs to do a full frontal, full body shot so his fans can see if he measures up to the hype. Or we could start a new controversy off of Selena’s comment, “All my friends were right. You’re such an asshole,” and check out his flip side instead. ‘Cuz while Bieber being a big dick may be debatable, that he’s a complete ass seems to be a given.
17 Tuesday Feb 2015
Posted Twinky Tuesday
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