Nothing sums up why I love Thailand as well as that the country holds three new year celebrations annually. Okay, so maybe the gogo bars on Soi Twilight have a bit more to do with my love affair with the kingdom, but partying your ass of for New Year’s every few months ain’t bad either. Today begins the festivities for the Lunar New Year (aka the Chinese New Year, or the Spring Festival as they call it in China) and that means parades, dragons, and the all important little red envelope. Since as a farang you’re probably more familiar with the Western version of New Year’s – participation in which only requires champagne and a hangover – here are some of the observances and superstitions surrounding the Chinese version in Bangkok, and more importantly what your boy du jour will be expecting from you.

But first things first: Is it the year of the sheep, the year of the goat, or the year of the ram? That may sound like splitting hairs to you, but if you are a goat, it matters. And evidently if you are Chinese, it doesn’t ‘cuz it all tastes the same in the stew pot anyway. The problem is ancient China went with pictograms instead of just saying what they meant. And the character yang can be translated to mean any one of the three. But the symbol for yang has little horns on it so I’m going with goat. Which is not something I normally do unless dining at a Jamaican restaurant.

Your boy du jour may shy away from using ‘goat’ too as that’s probably his affectionate nickname for you. And he wouldn’t want you to get the idea that 2015 has anything to do with you. ‘Cuz like every other year it’s all about him. And technically, 2015 is the year of the Wood Goat. But don’t think he’ll be any more interested in you achieving that status either.

Burn Baby, Burn.
You may think burning money is you boy du jour’s normal pastime, especially when he’s shopping with your wallet as a companion. But come the Lunar New Year, he’s gonna go at it with gusto. Literally. It’s a tradition to buy fake money – called joss paper or ghost money – to burn for the new year. It’s done to honor the dead, and according to Chinese beliefs the properties of the presents that are set on fire will transfer to the afterworld where it can be used by the spirits. So don’t think just ‘cuz your boy du jour’s mama is dead, you’re off the hook.

In China, burning joss paper for the Spring Festival is not as much of a tradition as it is for other holidays where dead relatives play a more integral role. But in Thailand it’s a major part of the Lunar New Year celebration. So much so that the government tries to dissuade its citizens from doing so every year in an attempt to avoid the related Lunar New Year celebration of burning down peoples’ houses. But as every good Buddhist knows, a house catching on fire is fate, not your fault, and setting things on fire is sanook.

In keeping up with the times, the tradition of burning Chinese paper money has evolved into the burning of just about any items that can be useful to the spirits, including credit cards, ATM cards, and paper replicas of everyday items like clothing, TV’s, computers, cars, or whatever the most popular “must-have” item happens to be at the time, like mobile phones and iPads. So don’t be surprised if your boy du jour sets his iPhone 4 a blaze sometime over the next few days. He’s just honoring his mama. And your part of the observance is replacing his freshly toasted iPhone 4 with a new iPhone 6.

Is That Sulphur I Smell?
Fireworks, especially firecrackers are an important part of the Lunar New Year festivities. Tradition says setting off fireworks scares away evil spirits, which in turn helps ensure a year of good luck. Lighting off fireworks also comes in handy if your burning joss paper failed to catch the neighborhood on fire. The history of doing so can be traced back to ancient China when an extremely fierce man-eating predatory beast called Nian would rise from the depths every Chinese New Year eve to devour livestock and humanstock alike. So villagers would celebrate the new year by hiding in caves deep within near-by mountains. One year, a gray haired man appeared and asked permission to stay for the night, assuring everyone that he would chase away the beast. No one believed him. But since he was an old man, and basically useless, the villagers allowed him to stay while they ran off to hide.

Lo and behold, come New Year’s Eve, Nian showed up for his annual meal. But the wily old man set off firecrackers; the noise and flashes of light scared the beast off and when the villagers returned the next day instead of the bloody corpse of the old man they expected to find, instead discovered their village was safe and intact. Other than a few domiciles that had caught fire and burned down, of course. Every year since then the Chinese have lit firecrackers to keep themselves safe and the grand traditional celebration of doing so is called the “Passing of Nian”.

I know. You’re now expecting me to draw some snarky parallel between either that old man or Nian and sexpats. Please note that it was your mind and not mine that went there. Instead, this one is a give-me for sexpats. It’s a Lunar New Year freebie, a Get Out Of Jail Card that you too will quickly adopt as a Chinese New Year tradition. When you finally get your boy du jour tucked safely under the covers of your bed on New Year’s eve, let one rip. Then while he’s gasping for a breath of fresh air, tell him that’s your home country’s version of the Passing of Nian. He’ll remember you for the entire rest of the year.

Out With The Old.
The only problem with using the Passing of Nian gag is that another tradition of the Lunar New Year is that on the stroke of midnight every door and window in the house – or in your case, hotel room – have to be opened to allow the old year and bad luck to go out. So not only will this tradition put a dampener on your fun, but next year your boy du jour will probably make sure you booked a room on a high floor, one with a balcony. And then your Passing of Nian tradition could segue into his celebration of The Flying Farang of New Year’s Eve tradition.

Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.
No, even in Thailand ladyboys have nothing to do with the Lunar New Year festivities. Unless that’s your thing. But there is a tradition that involves crying. And pouting, sulking, and generally acting like a little spoiled brat. Unfortunately for you, your boy du jour knows this. And will use it to his advantage. According to Chinese New Year superstition, if you cry on New Year’s day, you will cry all through the year. Therefore, children are tolerated and are not spanked, even though they deserve a good bitch slap. So expect your boy du jour to throw a tantrum when you suggest an iPhone 6 is sufficient and that he really doesn’t need an iPhone 6+. Oh, and if a bit of SM is your thing, don’t forget he has a Lunar New year tradition to fall back on for saying no to that one too.

Neither A Lender Or A Borrower Be.
An important part of the Lunar New Year observances is starting the year off debt free. So expect your Boy Special to ask for your help in bringing his loom rent up to date. Ditto for the baht he’s borrowed from friends and family. Which may sound to you like nothing more than his usual tradition of seeing you anytime during the year, but the twist for the Lunar New Year is that you are not supposed to borrow money either. So for once, he’ll not have to pretend the cash he gets from you is a loan.

Not Getting To The Point.
Nancy Reagan has nothing to do with the Lunar New Year either, but the holiday provides ample opportunities for your boy du jour to just say no. For example, the use of knives, scissors, or any sharp object is a harbinger of bad luck; sharp pointed objects are believed to cut off good fortune. So don’t expect him to be thrilled when you show him what that little blue pill helped you to work up. On the other hand, if you didn’t buy him that iPhone6+ he’d been crying about, you probably can sleep safely for at least one night.

Not Getting To Point B Either.
If you are a fan of long-time offs, the Lunar New Year is not the celebration for you. The Chinese believe the first person one meets and the first words heard are significant as to what your fortunes will be for the entire year. While you’d think that a customer being the first person your boy du jour sees on New Year’s day would be good luck, take a look in the mirror and you’ll see why he might not think so.

And Now A Word About Those Little Red Envelopes.
The good thing about being an ignorant farang is no Thai will really expect you to know anything about the important aspects of celebrating the Lunar New Year. The bad thing about being an ignorant farang is that all Thais assume you are rich. And the two together mean a) you are rich; and b) you’re not smart enough to know the intricacies involved with handing out red envelopes stuffed with cash for the Lunar New Year. So, for example, that the tradition is only unmarried people get those monetary gifts, in your case you’re gonna have to cough up with cash for one and all. And I do mean all. Besides, your boy du jour probably told you he was gay and single even though he has a wife and six kids back home.

Traditionally, the cash you hand out for the Lunar New Year is supposed to be presented in a red envelope, preferably with gold accents. You boy du jour will appreciate if those gold accents are real gold and there’s lots of them. But your Thai acquaintances know you are on holiday and may not have ready access to the proper gist wrapping, soi they will forgive you the faux pas of just handing them unwrapped cash. As long as there is lots of it.

Who gets red packets of money? That’s an easy one. Everyone. Except you. The general rule of thumb is that it’s given from a senior to a junior. For example, a resident to a doorman, a boss to his employee, parents to children, etc., etc. etc. Sunni Plaza fans, obviously, owe a cash filled envelope to every bar boy on the street since youth is what the plaza is all about. And technically, as the ’employer’ you’ll also owe one to your off for the night, on top of his tip. Then there is the taxi driver who quoted you a fixed fare, the waiter or waitress who ignored that you finished eating 45 minutes ago and still hasn’t brought your check, the mamasan who already poured herself a few drinks on your tab, the street vendor who sold you a 99 baht genuine fake Rolex watch for 3,000 baht . . . you get the picture. And don’t worry if you don’t. Every Thai you come into contact will wish you, “Happy New Year,’ as a reminder that you are supposed to hand them a Lunar New Year gift of cash.

So not who? but How Much? is the better question. Most recipients of your largesse will be happy with 100 baht. That’d be doormen, waiters, taxi drivers, and the other folk who bumped into you on the street and wished you a Happy New Year! Your boy du jour is gonna expect a bit more. And two customs associated with those little red envelopes will come into play. First, it is tradition for the money given to be in a single note. So a fresh, new 1,000 baht note is about the least you can get away with. Second, the Chinese word for ‘four’ sounds like their word for ‘death’. Which, obviously is bad luck. Even if it is yours. ‘Cuz that means no more little red envelopes stuffed with cash for New Years. If you really lub your Boy Special, 1,000 baht ain’t gonna cut it, so (to avoid both the stigma of four and the faux pas of giving multiple notes) you’re looking at a $100 bill at the very least.

But as much as you may think $100 is plenty, especially since you just paid off all of his debts, don’t forget that Lunar New Year tradition that allows him to sulk, pout and cry if he’s unhappy. ‘Cuz he won’t. So forget the red envelope and wrap that $100 bill in a new iPhone 6+ and your boy du jour will have the happiest new year ever. At least until Songkran.