Ahhh, relationships. Can’t live with them, can’t live with them. Despite the male of the specie’s primary job function being to spread his seed – and no matter how hard we endeavor to meet that expectation – we’re trained to believe that the ultimate brass ring in life is a loving, committed relationship. From the subversive fairy tales spun into our sweet little ears as children that were supposed to teach us how to live good, upstanding lives deeply submerged in the bosom of our true love, to – having just mastered the art of peeing without getting it all over ourselves – Hollywood stepping in with its radical tales of Boy Meets Girl, we’re raised to believe that a loving relationship is where it’s at. And even as little gay boys when we learn to substitute the fish in those stories with the loving image of another little boy, we still fall for the fantasy of love, marriage, and a house with a white picket fence.

And so we begin to build our muscles – or pluck our eyebrows, as the case may be – to be all that we can be in our never ending pursuit to find the love of our life. And quickly learn that most candidates for that role suck. And not in a good way. With broken hearts on the mend, again and again, we throw ourselves back into the dating pool, only to find its difficult to tread water when every potential husband we meet has his eye on the hot lifeguard while professing his love for yours truly. It’s enough to turn a young gay boy straight. Well, okay, that may be an exaggeration. But you know what I mean.

Hyperbole aside, invariably we begin looking at ourselves, seeking to find just on whose shoulders the blame for our failed relationships falls. Is it that we are too clingy? Or not clingy enough? That we don’t know all the words to the latest show tunes? Or that we know too many show tunes in the first place? That we just don’t have what it takes to sexually satisfy those damn cheaters? Or that man was born to be unfaithful? Or is it that since we all know that size matters – and to gay men may be all that matters – that we were just not lucky enough to have been blessed by the gods where it counts.

Yup. Smells like science to me.

Listing to the idle chit-chat pf gay men, you’d think each and everyone of us is a size queen. Even those who profess that size doesn’t matter – which usually says more about them than the object of their affections – secretly believe that bigger really is better. The world’s fascination with the size of a man transcends borders, nationalities, and races. Well, okay, maybe not for the Chinese. But even in Beijing the biggest losers stand proudly. So you’d think, relationship-wise, that despite your lack of other attributes, being a man of stature would be enough to satisfy your partner to keep your romance alive, and to keep him from straying. But a recent study published in the journal PLOS One says that ain’t so. According to their research, scientists have found that men with humongous dongs are more likely to be cheated on by their partners.

In a joint project between researchers from the U.S. and Kenya – because when you are studying the effects of men’s size your best bet is heading to the mother lode – the extra-marital affairs of fishermen living along Lake Victoria formed the basis of a study initially looking at the effects of domestic violence on relationships. But among the surprising results the researchers found was the not-so-good-news for manly men that partners are more likely to cheat on their beloved when the love of their life has a big penis. And that size where it counts correlates to the risk of being cheated on.

“Domestic violence, denial of a preferred sex positions, longer erect penis, younger age, and increased sexual satisfaction were the main predictors of a partner’s involvement in extra-marital partnerships,” the researchers report. “Surprisingly, having a partner with a longer fully erect penis was associated with increased likelihood of an affair too.” The results of their study showed that for every one inch longer penis size increased, the likelihood of the partner being involved in extra-marital affair increased by almost one-and-half times.”

And the men of North Korea rejoice.

Despite the negative consequences of extra-marital affairs, cheating is a tradition in many cultures across the world; it is estimated that between 30–60% of men report having an extra-marital affair in their lifetime. And another 20% keep mum. The researchers, who interviewed 545 couples, say they included the penis size variable because of the interest and controversies that surround men’s pursuant of penile enlargement ostensibly to sexually satisfy their partners. That the researchers from the U.S., suddenly confronted with so many men of prodigious size were feeling a bit lacking, of course, had nothing to do with the group’s decision to attempt to dis those with a big bawana.

The study also concluded that domestic violence – that’d be domestic violence that was not attributed to be attacked by a super schlong – and denial of a preferred sex position also played a role in those looking for a greener, or at least smaller, pasture. But the #1 reason for looking for a bit of satisfaction elsewhere was being faced with too much of a good thing. The researchers found that large penises are associated with pain and discomfort during sex which precludes the enjoyment and sexual satisfaction that catchers are supposed to feel.

On this issue one participant said, “Some penis may be large yet I’m small, when he tries to insert it inside, it hurts so much that I will have to look for another man who has a smaller one and can do it in a way I can enjoy”

On a brighter note, the study also found that the age of partners mattered too. Those who were 24-years-old and older reported increased sexual satisfaction regardless of their partner’s size. Which just goes to show you that experience counts.

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