According to a study published last week in the Journal of the British Association of Urological Surgeons, some nonsurgical methods for increasing the length of the male sex organ do in fact work, while others are likely to result only in soreness and disappointment. The study notes, however, surgical procedures – actually going under the knife – can be dangerous and have an ‘unacceptably high rate of complications.’

Among the non-invasive methods tested on 109 subjects, penile extenders that stretch the phallus through traction were shown to be most effective. One study reported an average increase of 0.7 inches, while another measured an extra 0.9 inches in the flaccid state, and 0.67 inches when erect.

But the regimen for achieving these gains was arduous: six hours of daily traction over four months in the first case, and four hours every day over six months in the second. I understand the peni impaired will do just about anything to measure up, but traction? Desperation at its finest. And totally unnecessary. Everyone will tell you that size really doesn’t matter. Easy to say when you have a big dick. And a nice sentiment when trying to alleviate the concerns of the less well endowed.

Another device, known as a “penis pump,” uses a manual or motorized pump to create a vacuum inside a hard cylinder sheath, stretching the phallus. Pumps only offer temporary results. The study showed that after six months of treatment, use of a pump was not found to be effective for penile elongation. Although it provided some sort of psychological satisfaction for some men. The infamous Fleshlight, a different contraption to insert your best feature into, does nothing for size, but offers a much more rewarding psychological satisfaction.

The researchers noted that advertisements claiming that another popular technique, penile lengthening exercises, can add inches to one’s manhood are unfounded. But may be fun to add to your daily exercise regime anyway. In regard to all of the options offering some relief, they noted that even the methods that did show some increase in length did not result in a gain in thickness. So you may be able to grow your little buddy a bit longer, but then instead of being called shorty you’ll be called pencil dick instead.

Since the blue pill has solved the problem of a lack of wood, an increasing number of patients seek urological advice for tiny dick syndrome. The researchers reported that this is true despite the fact that penile length is normal in most of these men who tend to overestimate normal phallic dimension. A male member – measured on the dorsal, or upper side – can be considered normal in length if it is at least 1.6 inches when limp, and three inches when hard, noted several of the studies evaluated. Obviously no one involved in conducting the study was a gay man: accepting a three inch dick as normal is an idea that is never gonna fly in the gay world. Tiny is as tiny does. You’d better be a bottom if that’s the best you can sprout.

Sure, we can’t all be giants. And my heart goes out to the rest of you. But having a baby boner doesn’t mean your life can’t be fulfilling. Your sex partners, however, may feel that can’t get no satisfaction. And that’s a beat you can beat off to with two fingers thanks to Mick Jagger, who the gods evidently decided to endow with large lips instead of a large cock.

According to band mate Kieth Richards, Mick is all balls and no cock. Making his claim in his book, Life – yeah, I know – Richards reports Jagger has a ‘tiny todger’ that never satisfied his ex, Marianne Faithfull. Richards added that Mick has ‘got an enormous pair of balls – but it doesn’t quite fill the gap’. Jagger’s former lover Janice Dickinson concurs saying, “He’s little Sir Mick with a little dick.”

And like other men of short stature, Jagger too has gone to great lengths to obtain a bigger bulge. According to Film director Julien Temple who witnessed the event when filming a documentary about Mick in Peru, Jagger tried to enlarge his penis by letting bees sting it.

About Jagger trying out the traditional Amazonian ritual honoring the gods of size, Julien said, “It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo.”

Maybe no sympathy for the devil, but you gotta have some for Mick’s bee stung member. The idea of putting your little buddy in traction suddenly seems like a great idea.

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