I recently read an article by one of the editors at Out Sports that said how surprised they were at the number of visitors that Google sent to their site off of searches about specifically named Olympians and their sexuality. I’d have thought with a web site covering the Olympics named Out Sports you might have some small inkling that would happen, but there ya go. I’d also have not been surprised that there was such an enormous interest in who might be gay from the Games because it’s pretty much a fact of life that any male celebrity under the age of 40 who is at least mildly attractive will at some point in his career have rumors circulating about the possibility that he plays on the pink team.

And yes, Out Sports also reported that there was a significant interest about which Olympians were lesbians, but then the entire world likes the idea of lesbians. Except for gay men. Unless they are throwing a big event and need a few good bouncers.

So the world wanted to know if [insert diver’s name here] is gay and turned to the internet for its proof. Add in the handful of dykes and the massive number of other male Olympians whose names came up for being out and you have a whole new roster of celebrities facing the unenviable task of dealing with their new found fame and squelching gay rumors at the same time. Whether they are or are not. Whether they are or are not is each individual’s own business. If they are, when they decide to officially come out is their choice as is if they decide to never do so. Regardless of that choice, the majority – or their publicists – do decide to confront the gay rumors; how they do so is also their choice.

Many celebrities have gone before them, denying that you are gay is a tradition that goes back to Oscar Wilde, if not earlier. Come to think of it, Edward II took his turn at the bat back in 1327, and unfortunately set a precedent for not doing so in an effective manner. Not that all famous men whose sexuality has been called into question have screwed up their denial, but you’d think with as many that have today’s celebrities would take heed. But apparently not.

Since the publicists of the world seem so inadequate at the task, I thought I’d provide a few pointers to both the current crop of suspect Olympians as well as the Hollywood stars who find themselves having to publicly deny what the public assumes. So here then are the top 10 ways to not deny that you are gay:

1: Have Your Girlfriend Announce Your Denial For You.
Despite what you may think this not an effective way to get people to believe that you are straight as no real man would force his woman to take the hit on his behalf. The poor bitch is already worried to death that since the entire world assumes you are gay that she might just be missing something. And upgrading her status from girlfriend to fiancee just before handing her her script is just plain cruel (though kudos for using the carrot instead of the stick because while being perceived as gay isn’t the biggy it once was, being known as a wife beater doesn’t do much for your rep these days).

Rock Hudson were married. And despite his denials were also gay. Not to mention a bit of a cock hound. So using a potential mate as your proof of heterosexuality is already a precarious position vis a vis the celebrity angle. Throw in the countless number of non-celebrity men who marry even though they are gay and your claim does nothing more than reaffirm that you are closeted.

Oh, and just in case you are thinking of doubling down and playing the future kids card, here’s a tailor made quote to use: “I want a lot of kids, but my future wife will decide how many.” Just make sure you give proper credit to Ricky Martin when you use it.

2: Mention God As Often As Possible ‘Cuz Everyone Knows Good Christians Are Never Gay.
The non-denial denial is always a hard one to pull off, but playing the Born Again Christian card just doesn’t work any longer. And hasn’t for quite some time. Can you say Ted Haggard? How about Jim Bakker? (Though granted in Jim’s case it was more like prison sex gay . . . not when he was actually in prison but rather that cock had to look pretty damn good after waking up next to Tammy Faye).

Liberace, whose sexuality should have never been questioned since it was so obvious, too tried the god/girlfriend makes the denial one-two combo punch having his beard Joanne Rio announce, “If it’s God’s will that Liberace and I get married, then we will. I’m leaving everything in God’s hands.” Unfortunately for Ms. Rio the problem wasn’t with God’s hands but where Liberace had been putting his.

3: Have Your Picture Taken With Your Partner Showing Major Wood While He Grabs Your Ass.
Ooops! Sorry. That’s kinda the type of thing that got you into this predicament in the first place. My bad. Scratch that one.

3.1: Announce How Much You Are In Love On A Lesbian’s Talk Show While Jumping Around On The Couch Like A 12-Year-Old Girl Because You Really Have No Idea How A 44-Year-Old Heterosexual Man Would Act Under Similar Circumstances.
Another non-denial that has been tired and failed to convince anyone of its user’s heterosexuality. Though it did convince a few who were on the fence that those persistent rumors might just be true. Also note if you’ve used the ‘But I’m married’ denial, when that arranged marriage ends as it surely will all of those rumors you thought you’d dispensed with will come floating up once again.

4. Refuse To Answer Questions About Your Personal Life. While Regularly Speaking In Great Detail About Every Other Facet Of Your Personal Life.
Another non-denial denial that attempts to take the highroad and builds on its morally superior positioning. Unfortunately it has been used before and while initially effective, now, thanks to Anderson Cooper using this tired attempt, means you will not pass go but will go directly to jail. Where everyone knows you’ll be enjoying lots of gay prison sex.

5. Throw A Temper Tantrum On Camera, Yelling And Cussing About Your Right To Have A Private Life. While Bringing Up The Man You Live With, Your Relationship With Whom Gives Everyone The Basis For Why They Think You Are Gay.
There are several problems with this denial approach, all of which a good publicist could help you avoid. First, uncontrollable rage is never a pretty sight and now you’ll have to make an equally ill-advised statement later to explain that rage, which being the amateur you are will probably be something stupid like you usually cop Xanax from your friends but the last time you did so someone slipped you Viagra instead and you ended up on a fourteen hour flight with major wood. Second, it’s just a variation on the “my business is my business’ denial (See #4).

6. State That Despite Being In Your Mid-Thirties You Are Too Focused On Your Career To Date Or Have A Girlfriend.
Seriously? You do realize using this line means you just came out, right?

Oh, and if you are thinking of going the asexual route, Boy George already tried that one by stating that he was not gay and was “not really all that keen on sex”. Not that that makes him gay. Because Ton Cruise’s first wife also said Tom wasn’t too keen on sex.

7. Use Your Ethnicity As A Basis For Proof That You Are Straight And Then Categorically State That You “Have Never Been Attracted By Sex With A Man.”

Yeah, I know. But Ricky Martin’s denials are a long list of oldies but goodies.

8. Join A Well-Known And Widely Respected Church.
A slight twist on the ‘I’m a Christian so I can’t be gay’ ploy, several celebrities have found joining a church whose transparency closely mimics being in the closet is not an effective way to squelch rumors that you are gay. Rather than make people think you are straight, this convinces them that the first chance you get you’ll be headed straight to the nearest available man.

9. Appear On A Gay Pride Float, State How Happy You Are To Be Among Your People, And Then Deny That You Just Came Out.
You can be a friend of the gay community without being a Friend of Dorothy, but the sequence of events matters. Pre-event denial puts the rumors on the defense. Post-event denials just makes people wonder if with you too it will be a short period of time between your denial and your sex change operation like Chastity Bono’s.

10. Despite Persistent Rumors Over The Last 30 Years, Sue Anyone You’ve Molested Who Brings Up Your Homosexuality In Public.
You might want to consider the legal fees you’d save by instead confirming what everyone already knows. That’s a lot of cash you could instead spend on male masseurs. As for the effectiveness of the lawsuit ploy, Liberace already pulled that one, won, and never managed to convince anyone of his heterosexuality so why do you think you’d do any better?

Bonus Round: Things You Should Not Do If You Plan On Denying That You Are Gay:

Marry J-Lo

Date Renée Zellweger

Marry Renée Zellweger

Marry A Kardashian

Marry Michele Bachmann

Join A Boy Band

Appear On American Idol

Bring Up Your Movie Gay Sex Scene In Every Interview You Do Even Though The Movie Was From A Decade Ago

Get Arrested By The Police With A Drag Queen In Your Car

Get Arrested By The Police For Lewd Behavior In A Public Restroom

Divorce Your Wife Over Differences On Interior Design

Admit To Being Into SM, But State It’s The Leather Not The Men That Gets You Off

Deny Being Gay And Then Add “But, Ya Never Know”

Take Your Boyfriend On Exotic Vacations While Your Wife Bitches That You Are Flaunting Your Affair In Her Face

With No Wife Or Girlfriend In The Picture, Show Up With Babies All Of A Sudden

Tweet About How Obsessed You Are With Your Sister’s Husband’s Body (And Then Fondle His Junk On Camera)

Hire A Male Prostitute To Carry Your Bags On Vacation

Marry A Lesbian (Note that his is not a good idea for either a closeted man or woman)

Have Your Publicist Allow Journalists To Refer To You As The Next Tom Cruise

Say That You Want To Be The Next Tom Cruise

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