I’d always thought the true love’s third day of Christmas gifts were three Frenchmen, but I’ve been recently corrected. My bad, but the decision of whether to give hens or men seems to be an obvious choice in my book. Besides, there are too many fish involved with holiday traditions already. And that includes Santa’s reindeer.

Thanks to science, it turns out all eight of Santa’s team have to be women. And while it’s grand that someone finally came up with a use for women, that even Rudolph lacks balls is a bit disappointing. But there ya go. It’s not however the lack of testicles scientists point to (‘cuz that would be rude) but the existence of antlers. Male reindeer shed their antlers at the end of the mating season in early December. Pictures of Santa’s furry little buddies always show them with antlers. Otherwise they’d just look like large Chihuahuas.

The bitches continue to sport their thin antlers throughout the winter. And like most females, they also pack on the poundage during winter months. Good if you have to spend the holidays pulling a sleigh, not so good if you wanted to attract the eye of that handsome buck crying over his beer cuz he’s antler-less. But then he already shot his wad and mating season is over so what’s a girl to do but dive into a box of chocolates?

Physiologist Perry Barboza of the Institute of Arctic Biology, University of Alaska at Fairbanks, who studies reindeer, reports that male reindeer, having lost most of their body fat thanks to their efforts during mating season, weigh in at a low 5 percent body fat by the time sleigh-pulling season rolls around. The ladies, on the other hand, whop out at almost 50 percent body fat. Which is good for helping to keep them warm in their subzero habitat, but not so good when you are trying to live up to your name of Vixen.

Not unlike some of the touri women you see on Thailand’s beaches, in winter months female reindeer develop a few inches of thick fat on their ass alone. So baby got back, but no balls. And with nothing but fatties to hit on ya know some of the male reindeer have got to be turning to their gym-toned buddies to keep warm during the cold winter months.

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